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Brad's Jorney: Prolauge

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pik achoo

Guest
Brad, who was fourteen, gazed upon the great, blue sea. In the distance, he saw the great Whirl Islands,(which of course were whirling). A local of Olivine City Brad had grown up around water pokemon, though he'd always preferd electric type. Brad walked along the beach, ignoring the sand sticking to his feet. I must become a pokemon trainer, he thought, it's what my father wants and besides, chicks dig pokemon trainers. "Chicks dig," is a term which means "if you do or become something, you will get a girlfriend" Right now, Brad really wanted a girl. Oh, and he likes pokemon too. Although, Brad was handsome all the while, he had had some girl trouble. Brad had blue eyes and purple hair that grew straight out as grass does. He was 5 feet 9 inches tall and 152 pounds(he was anorexic). As he headed home, he had no idea of the suprise that awaited him there.***

Please submit your feedback and stay tuned for Chapter 1.
 

Dragonfree

Just me
This is way, way too short. You need to read the rules; a chapter must be at least a page in length.

Aside from that, you spelled "prologue" wrong, and please don't switch between past and present tense.

Oh, and paragraph. Those are pretty much the basics you need to know... =/
 
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pik achoo

Guest
Dragonfree said:
This is way, way too short. You need to read the rules; a chapter must be at least a page in length.

Aside from that, you spelled "prologue" wrong, and please don't switch between past and present tense.

Oh, and paragraph. Those are pretty much the basics you need to know... =/
I'm sorry. I will pay attention to the rules next time
 

DKzM0mA

Bring it.
Pika44 said:
I'm sorry. I will pay attention to the rules next time

I warned you to read the rules back when you posted this in the RPG section.
Reading the rules should always be first priority when doing anything. First time or not, you were warned once, but did not care to listen to me.
 
Hey. As the others said, a chapter should really be a lot longer than this (although I think the prologue is allowed to be short). But more than that, I suggest you work on your paragraphing and spelling. People are really turned off if they see just a chunk of text. It's a pain and hard to read (plus, a lot of readers can't be bothered to review even quality stories. If they don't like a fic, you have even less chance of getting readership, let alone reviews.) So next time, separate the speech from the rest of the text.

"Like this," the reviewer said. "You'll soon get the hang of it!"

Spelling is the same. Poor spelling, punctuation and grammar make a piece of writing look very unprofessional. Even if you're a newbie, try to make your work look as experienced as possible. People don't judge on join date, but by what you can do. So show them you can do great things!

Another point. If you're going to use huge issues like anorexia in your fic, at least do justice to them. If you only meant to say that your character was thin, do so. But if you meant to say that you character really was anorexic, I'd flesh out the problems he faces due to that. Some people who are or know people who are anorexic might be rather offended at such a whimsical reference to it (it was in brackets! In my opinion, nothing that serious should be in brackets unless you're doing it for comedic affect).

I'm very sorry if this sounded harsh. I certainly don't mean this to sound flame-like - I'm only saying these things because if you improve on them, you could be a great writer. Keep writing!

Piney.
;204;;324;
 
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pik achoo

Guest
Pinecone Tortoise said:
Hey. As the others said, a chapter should really be a lot longer than this (although I think the prologue is allowed to be short). But more than that, I suggest you work on your paragraphing and spelling. People are really turned off if they see just a chunk of text. It's a pain and hard to read (plus, a lot of readers can't be bothered to review even quality stories. If they don't like a fic, you have even less chance of getting readership, let alone reviews.) So next time, separate the speech from the rest of the text.

"Like this," the reviewer said. "You'll soon get the hang of it!"

Spelling is the same. Poor spelling, punctuation and grammar make a piece of writing look very unprofessional. Even if you're a newbie, try to make your work look as experienced as possible. People don't judge on join date, but by what you can do. So show them you can do great things!

Another point. If you're going to use huge issues like anorexia in your fic, at least do justice to them. If you only meant to say that your character was thin, do so. But if you meant to say that you character really was anorexic, I'd flesh out the problems he faces due to that. Some people who are or know people who are anorexic might be rather offended at such a whimsical reference to it (it was in brackets! In my opinion, nothing that serious should be in brackets unless you're doing it for comedic affect).

I'm very sorry if this sounded harsh. I certainly don't mean this to sound flame-like - I'm only saying these things because if you improve on them, you could be a great writer. Keep writing!

Piney.
;204;;324;
Thank you very much for the advice. I'm sorry I didn't first read the rules. I promise to apply these things you have said in Chapter 2.
 

Dilasc

Boip!
You should redo chapter one,
even if it isn't fun

You CAN'T leave your first chapter looking like crap. Even if you make a masterpiece of the next chapter, you can't leave the first one looking like garbage, which it is. You're going to have to fix it, or it will be closed. You also spelled Journey incorrectly.
 
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No, they have till the NEXT chapter to get it right, we tell them about the rule breaks on the system for the first and judge by the second, closure or deletion prior is their choice, even we have to be nice sometimes.

Sandra
 
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pik achoo

Guest
Here's what I'm gonna do to make you all happy. I will redo the prolauge. So look out I guess for Brad's Jorney:prolauge, REVISED EDITION: Longer and grammaticly improved.
 

The Big Al

I just keeping Octo
Pika44 said:
He was 5 feet 9 inches tall and 152 pounds(he was anorexic).
The 5'10" 143 lbs Big Al says hi. That's not anorexic. If anything, he's on the chubby side unless he's well built.

Short and uneeded. It seemed to be bits of a chapter hacked out and smashed together. Not to mention you spelled "Journey" and "Prologue" wrong in the title. Read the rules and the advice thread and try again.
 
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