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Bravery and Intelligence (PG-14)

Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
Chapter 1-

A tall brown haired boy, sat outside his house staring hopefully at the forest. He wished his mother would let him go on a journey already, but she was constantly worried about him coming across one of the two evil organizations of the region.

All of a sudden he heard a shout for help, coming from the forest. He ran towards where the call came from, and noticed a brown haired man with a goatee running away from a small black wolf.

"Wow, a Poochyena!" he said.

The man looked at the boy, and smiled. "You're Zach, I recognize you from Littleroot Town. Could you help me out by using one of the Pokemon in the bag?"

Zach nodded, and ran towards the bag. He opened it, and picked out a red and white ball. He pressed the button, hoping it was something good.

A small blue Pokemon with a large fin on its head, and orange gills on its side popped out in a beam of red light.

"Mudkip!" said the Pokemon, and looked at Zach waiting for a command.

"Mudkip, tackle!" said Zach.

Mudkip ran at Poochyena, taken by surprise it fell down. Mudkip then shot out a small blast of water at the Poochyena's face. Poochyena yelped, then went unconscious.

"Thank you!" said the man, starting to run towards Zach. "My name's Birch, Professor Birch."

"I know, I've tried to go to your lab so many times." said Zach, picking up Mudkip. "Can I keep him?"

"Sure," said Birch. "But come to my lab, i'll need to get you some supplies."

They walked out of the forest, towards a tall building with a large backyard behind it.

"This is my lab." said Birch, once they were inside.

Zach noticed lots of machinery, a few desks, and a couple scientists in lab coats. Birch walked towards a desk, and opened a small door on it. He got out several poke balls, and a small red gadget.

"Take these poke balls, and this poke dex. It'll help you find out about Pokemon you haven't seen before." said Birch.

"Thanks, Professor." said Zach. "Could you tell my Mom, i'm going on a journey and that Mudkip will protect me?"

"Of course!" said Birch.

Zach smiled, and ran out of the lab. He rammed into someone by accident, and fell backwards. Mudkip flew out of his arms, and smacked into the ground.

"I'm sorry," said Zach, getting up. "Are you okay?"

He looked at the person he knocked down, and his heart leaped. It was a very beautiful girl with brown hair, wearing a red bandanna.

"Yeah, i'm okay." she said, standing up. "My name's May, what's yours?"

"It's Zach." he said, picking up Mudkip.

"You just started your journey, too?" asked May.

"Yep, i'm on my way to Oldale Town." said Zach.

"Maybe we'll see each other there." said May, starting to blush.

"Hopefully." said Zach, feeling his face turn red.

"I'm going to get a few things," said May. "See you." She ran off towards a house a short distance away.

Zach sighed, she's beautiful. He ran off into the woods, hoping to be far away before Birch told his Mom he left.

"Pooch!" howled a Poochyena, jumping in front of him.

"Mudkip, water gun." said Zach.

Mudkip jumped out of his arms, and shot a blast of water at the Poochyena's face. Poochyena growled, and tackled Mudkip. Mudkip shot another blast of water at the Poochyena. The Poochyena fell down unconscious.

"Go, poke ball." said Zach, throwing a poke ball at the Poochyena.

Poochyena was absorbed inside, and the ball started to shake back and forth. The ball then dinged, announcing the capture.

"Yes!" said Zach, smiling. "We did it, Mudkip."

Mudkip smiled, and jumped up onto his shoulder.
 

Quackjack29

King of the bastards
Needs work.
ALOT of work.
WAY to similar to R/S, and no backstory.
Grammers OK, but give the charecter depth dude.
Oh and you progress WAY to fast.
 
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Absol6028

What did you say...?
Needs work.
ALOT of work.
WAY to similar to R/S, and no backstory.
Grammers OK, but give the charecter depth dude.
Oh and you progress WAY to fast.

Basically what he said. You should also go into detail a bit more. Grammar/spelling was also alright. Could also use a tad bit of work
 

Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
Chapter 2-

"Mudkip!" said Mudkip, running towards a small stretch of water.

"Mudkip, come back!" said Zach, running after Mudkip. I hope it isn't like this every day. He picked up Mudkip, and looked into its eyes. "Mudkip, we're so close to Oldale town. Could you please stay calm until we get there?"

Mudkip nodded, and squirted Zach's face. Zach smiled, and ran past the stream. The farther they went, the more the trees seemed to widen away from each other.

Eventually, a small town appeared in the distant. Zach started to run towards a big building with a giant poke ball on top of it.

Mudkip's fin twitched, and suddenly jumped out of Zach's arms, and ran towards the right. Zach sighed, and ran after him. He followed Mudkip through a short crowd, and then noticed what Mudkip had run to.

It was the same girl from the other day. Zach reddened slightly, he hope Mudkip didn't make her think he was a bad trainer.

"Hi, May!" he said, smiling.

"Hi, Zach." said May, smiling. She was holding a small bird with yellow feathers and an orange body.

Zach got out his Poke Dex, wondering what it was. "Torchic, the fire bird Pokemon. They are loyal to their trainers and well stick with them, no matter what." it said.

Zach looked at the Torchic in awe. "Want to have a battle?" he asked.

"Sure!" said May. "But let's go towards the other end of town first. There isn't anybody there."

Zach nodded, and followed May towards the other end of town.

"This looks like a good spot." said May. "You have first move."

"Mudkip, tackle!" said Zach.

Mudkip charged at Torchic, making fly into the air a few feet. Torchic landed with a thud, then quickly got up. It started to peck at Mudkip. Mudkip shot a blast of water at Torchic's face. Torchic ran away from the blast, and Mudkip ran after Torchic.

Zach looked at Mudkip. "This is awkward."

May sighed, and pressed Torchic's poke ball's button. As Torchic was absorbed into the ball, she looked at Zach.

"I'll make sure Torchic gets braver, so we can win." she said.

"You might have a chance." said Zach, and then jumped in surprise as something green jumped in front of him. It was a small green reptile with a bushy tail.

"Treecko!" it said, and stuck out its tongue at Zach.

Zach glared. "You little *****!"

Treecko slapped Mudkip with its tail, and made it fall unconscious.

"Mudkip, return." said Zach, calling Mudkip back. "Poochyena, go." Poochyena popped out, and growled.

Zach got out his Poke Dex, and looked at Poochyena's moves. "Poochyena, use roar!" said Zach. Sounds like a good move.

Poochyena howled, making Treecko jump and ran off.

"No! Come back!" said Zach, calling Poochyena into his ball. He ran off after Treecko, hoping to catch it.
 
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Quackjack29

King of the bastards
...........
This needs help
TAKE
MY
ADVICE!
One hit and Torchic's out!?
SERIOUSLY?!
 

Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
...........
This needs help
TAKE
MY
ADVICE!
One hit and Torchic's out!?
SERIOUSLY?!

I tried to make it look like Torchic was weak, but I edited it.
I'm trying not to progress fast, but it'll be slower paced soon.
 

leafstormfire

~Freezing Winds~
Detail. A lot of it is dialogue. I do agree with Quackjack, but as the story progresses I'm sure it'll get better. :)
 

Lucarimew2

We are not amused!
There is a lot of improvement needed in this fanfic. Grammar and spelling is ok but THERE IS TOO MUCH DIALOGUE AND NOT ENOUGH DETAIL. You need to add more details and gets some tips from my effective description thread where there is some good tips on making descriptions. i had problems with description, so that should help you. The imagery needs work because the only way you could imagine the scenery is by playing the 3rd gen pokemon games. I good start but more is needed to make it more enjoyable.
 
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Psychic

Really and truly
Needs work.
ALOT of work.
WAY to similar to R/S, and no backstory.
Grammers OK, but give the charecter depth dude.
Oh and you progress WAY to fast.
Please do not respond to a fic like this again, or you will be infracted. If you are going to review a story and tell the writer what is wrong with it, you need to be nicer, be more specific, and give actual advice on how it can be improved. This was just rude and not all that helpful.

Also, please don't criticize someone else until you know how to spell "grammar." :/


Anyhow, as others have said, your chapters need work because your story is made up of almost nothing but dialogue. It's boring to just read dialogue. Remember that you need to set up the story so readers can imagine what's going on. You have to spend a little time describing:
  1. Setting. What is the weather like? Is the forest bustling with Pokemon? Is this a busy city full of people? What noises do we hear? What smells might there be? Also let us know where Zack is at the beginning of the story until the random guy in the woods mentions Littleroot Town.
  2. Characters. How old do they look? Are they short or tall? Are they pale or tanned? What kind of outfit are they wearing? Do they look confident, nervous, excited, shy? Remember that Pokemon are characters, too - let them say and do things.
  3. Actions. What do people look or act like as they're doing things? What are the affects of an action? How do characters react to people or things they see? If Zack smashes into someone, do they yell out in pain? Do they act embarrassed or nervous?
  4. Emotions. How do characters feel? Does an event make their heart race? Are they afraid of their Pokemon getting hurt? Is being alone in a new city a little scary? Are they excited to begin a journey but nervous to tell their family? Do they feel more than one thing at once?
  5. Battles. Does a Pokemon look excited to battle, does it look determined, afraid, intimidated? Does it shout a battle yell? Does it have trouble using attacks? When it gets hit by an attack, does it cry out in pain? Does it look hurt?

As others have mentioned, you need to slow down the story a little, and one way to do that is by describing these things. Lucarimew2 also linked you to a thread with some great advice, so take it. A story that's just people saying things is boring, and it just looks boring when every paragraph is one line.


Your grammar was mostly fine, although you need to capitalize "I." You also have a little problem with punctuation when people are talking. So here's what you need to know.
The Comma: Generally in dialogue, there should be a "," at the end inside the quotation marks. This is the case in most situations, especially when it's followed by a "he said" or "she yelled" kind of tag. Here are some examples:
"That store sells candy," she said with a grin.
"I really hate computers," Jake muttered.
"Pokémon training looks like fun," the old man commented.
Notice also how the first word after the dialogue isn't capitalized. That's because, ignoring the quotation marks, each line is essentially one sentence. It doesn't really make sense if you just say "I really hate school." and "Jake muttered." as two difference sentences, because they don't really make a lot of sense if they're alone. They only make sense when they’re connected, because they rely on one another for clarity, so we use a period.


The Period: If you want to start a new sentence after the dialogue, you can put a period inside the quotation marks, capitalizing the next word outside of them. This means that each phrase can stand alone as a complete sentence and would still make sense without the other. Example:
"You’re pretty." She smiled up at the supermodel.
"I hate you." The little girl crossed her arms and walked away.
"I wish I could become a Pokémon trainer." His mind filled with possibilities at the very thought of it.
"Yes, I would like a piece of cake, please." Without even waiting his turn, little Johnny plunged his hand into the birthday cake and grabbed some for himself.
The difference is that each part of each line can stand on its own. "She smiled up at the supermodel" is a complete sentence, but "she said" is not.


The Question Mark and Exclamation Mark: These can act as either a period or a comma, depending on what goes after the dialogue. They still pose a question or make a command/shout, but the issue is whether or not the part after the question or command can stand on its own.
"Is it going to rain today?" the boy asked.
"Are you a pretty kitty?" The cat stared at the crazy old man as me made cooing sounds in its face.
"Get me a napkin!" you screamed, ketchup splattered on your face.
"I hate school!" He threw his textbook on the floor.
Whether or not the first word after the quotation marks is capitalized once again depends on if the sentence can stand alone or not. Again, "the boy asked" doesn't make sense unless we know what he asked, but "He threw his textbook on the floor" makes perfect sense and stands fine on its own.

Please start working on fixing these things. For more information, you can get plenty of help in the Authors' Cafe, or just look around at other fics and see what they do. Good luck!

~Psychic

PS: "Smartness" does not mean "intelligence." It's more like being elegant or stylish. If you want a word for being smart, you'd probably want "intelligence" for your title. I would be happy to fix this for you if you'd like. :)
 
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Zoruagible

Lover of underrated characters
Okay, the new chapter will be ready in about a week. I'll start fixing the first two.
Also this is now PG-14
 
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