Breaking Reality

[NoDayBut2Day]

Rated Pg


I felt cold, out of place, and misunderstood. What was happening to me? Am I dying? Going crazy? Why am I thinking these questions? The noises, all the noises, have I been playing too long? I think I’m going insane…I need help…like right away! They won’t stop! Repeating over and over in my mind. The sounds of creatures growling, cheesy music, and worst of all, beeping filled my head. I think I have finally lost my mind! Damn game!



Breaking Reality


By: Dan



Prologue – I hear noises that I shouldn’t be hearing…


“Finally I got to Misty’s gym, about damn time!” I said with relief as I played Pokemon yellow with my friend Kathy. We started to play again after years of new games and losing interest.


“Ha! Dan I am at Sabrina’s gym now! What now?” She spat back at me acting all superior and better than me cause she had been playing a hell of a lot more than myself. I started a few days ago while she’s been playing for a week or two now with her Pokemon red game.


I decided to have Bulbasaur have a go at Staryu first. It was still at a low level of fifteen but I figured I could at least take out Staryu. With two vine whips I easily won and it grew to level sixteen, it’d be evolving after the match and be stronger. Making a smart move I recalled Bulbasaur and sent out Pikachu to finish the match. At level twenty-three I knew I’d have no problem and the match was won.


“What now! I won!” I laughed at Kathy shoving my gameboy in her face like a child.


“Um…I just beat Sabrina, what not boy!? I am farther than you and have a Charizard that would so wreck your team! I can’t wait till you finally finish so I can prove to you my Charizard could wipe out your whole team!” She acted slick and showed up her level sixty Charizard. Who cares, I was still beginning and would have a Charizard of my own soon enough.


We saved our games and headed out of school for the day. It was early but we had no other classes and thought it’d be best we left now before we got yelled at for being there with nothing to do but play Pokemon. We said out goodbyes and parted ways in different directions of the school to leave.

~~~~~~​

I walked outside and the wind blew my gray sweat pants and loose fitted white shirt. I only had one class that day and just felt like being a complete bum. My black and white hat held down my black hair because I didn’t feel like gelling it all up to look good. Finally reaching my black Honda Civic I quick got in and drove myself home.


As I was driving, I started to music play, the same music when my game starts up. When I reached a stoplight I went over to my book bag and took my gameboy to find out it was turned off. But I still heard it. I put it back and again I started to hear the growls pokemon make when you send them out and beeping noises. I shrugged it off and continued to drive home. Once again I checked but nothing. I turned on the radio to get my mind off the game.


My house was dirty from the winter and so depressing when you drove into the driveway. I knew we should have had our house be a darker color but nobody listened. But I left my car and ran and unlocked the door and went inside my warm house. My house was silent almost to the point you could hear a pin drop but the noises came back. This time I swore I heard an attack being used and the damaged being done on a pokemon followed by a pokemon fainting. What the hell was going on?


I shook my head and continued to my room. I fell onto my soft black bed and fell asleep before I knew I was even tired. My mind slowly shut down as I began to dream. At first everything was just calm and I was driving but soon I started to go deeper. I went from a sunny afternoon drive in the country to walking in a forest in jeans and blue t-shirt. I could smell morning dew on the olive colored leaves as I heard birds chirping above me in the treetops.


“Hello?” I called out hoping for an answer. But all I got was the noise of birds and animals darting around the noisy grass.


I started to walk around but it led my nowhere. I still hadn’t seen one creature, so strange, like they were all afraid to show themselves. Didn’t even catch a glimpse of one darting across to hide or to attack. I just wanted to go back to that nice calm, peaceful, deserted road I always dreamt about. But instead I’m in a forest, where I wouldn’t want to be alone, and something just felt strange.


Finally after only minutes that felt like hours of walking, I finally saw a sleek brown tail hiding behind a pricker bush. I don’t know why it’d hide under that of all bushes, but I crept quietly to see what it was. In a way, it looked like a Zigzagoon in a way, but no way it could be…or could it?


I moved in a little more but it ran away but I did get to see a full body shot. It was a Zigzagoon. I must be going crazy, I couldn’t believe my eyes…but everything suddenly ended why my dream faded away to black and my eyes slowly opened my mother shaking me. I rubbed them softly as she stopped and moved her hands to her hips.


“Why are you home and not in school?” she blurted out in a ****** off tone.


“I had one class, so I came home. Something wrong with that?” I responded back to her in a cocky attitude. She just woke me up, how else would I react?


“Oh…well don’t give my attitude, you still live in my house!” she rolled her eyes and left my room.


After she left, the noises started to come back in my head. Now I heard pokemon talking, saying their names over and over. I kept hearing, Pika, Pikachu! Chi, Chikorita! and other pokemon. No way it could have been my game since it was still in my car with my books. I must be losing my mind! I have to be! No way I could tell anyone, not my friends, family, anyone! They’d think I’m crazy, but maybe I am…maybe I should go to the loony bin…I don’t know!


I shook my head in disbelief and walked to the bathroom. I splashed some cold water into my face hoping it’d help but it was still there. It was like a bug that wouldn’t go away or a baby that won’t stop crying. It just stayed with me like a disease. I need to find someone to talk too, but whom? Who could possibly understand this…this…these annoying sounds in my mind? So many questions I ask but none can give me an answer or even a clue of where to begin.


I went back to my bed to lay my head down. But the noises continued, I couldn’t take it! I began to roll around holding my ears hoping it’d end soon and finally it just stopped. I opened my eyes and my gameboy was next to me. Was I dreaming? How did my gameboy get there? It was off and even weirder no batteries were in it. What the hell is going on? Is someone playing a trick? And again, I ask questions I can’t get answers too. Just to be helping my curiosity I pinched myself and it hurt and I turned the switch on and off on my gameboy and nothing happened.


I went to my light wooden desk and pulled out two double “A” batteries and put them in. I turned my game on and started playing. I was walking up to the area to fight Gary when I had this strange urge to check my pokemon. I went to the scroll bar and clicked on pokemon to see I had a Zigzagoon. That can’t be right, can it? I rubbed my eyes and it was gone. I must be really tired or someone slipped me something at school because this wasn’t cool at all.


I played for a while and easily defeated Gary and won the nugget. I claimed my Charmander and went back to town to sell the nugget and heal up my pokemon. I almost had a full team now consisting of Mankey, Pikachu, Ivysaur, and Charmander. I was doing pretty well for myself as I saved my game and shut it off. My head ached even though I turned the sound off from my game.


It had been about an hour of no noise and I was enjoying every minute of it. I finally closed my eyes again and fell asleep.


I was back in the forest again.


Is this a sign?


Am I crazy?


I am back in this forest.

 

[Saya]

Wow. Now that is something I've definately never seen before. *claps* I commend you for that. Originality is very hard to come by these days, especially one like this. A Pokemon story in the real world just grabs my attention because there are virtually none of those around, that are good at least. There was one a few years ago, but since then I haven't seen any more of that type. Very good. I can tell though, that this boy is not going to stay in the real world for much longer.

My black and white hat held down my black hair because I didn’t feel like gelling it all up to look good. Finally reaching my black Honda Civic I quick got in and drove myself home.

Okay, this part kind of bugged me. You used black just too much to describe things. The 'black and white hat' part was fine, but using the same word in the same sentance twice sounds awkward. Instead may I suggest 'dark hair' instead of 'black hair'? And it just seemed as if everything he had was black, but that's just me.

“Why are you home and not in school?” she blurted out in a ****** off tone.

Because of stuff like that you might consider raising the rating for language.
I also felt he was being a jerk to his mom. His mom also seemed kind of uptight.

There was also a paragraph in there somewhere that used 'way' a few too many times for my liking but I just can't seem to find it right now. Meh, I'll find it some day.

Your description was fine and so was grammar and spelling and all that. The plot is pretty interesting too. Congrats on capturing my attention!

Keep up the great writing!

~Saya~

 

[Shadows Follower]

Wow. Now that is something I've definately never seen before.

I Agree. Very original and interesting. It was well written and I enjoyed the description you gave. It kept me on the edge of my seat to see what happened to him next. Keep it up.

 

[The Great Butler]

Great work. You told a solid, original story and gave the description to back it with. I particularly liked the beginning, with Dan and Cathy playing the old Game Boy games.

 

[Mika_Coyote]

Very, very, well done! Kinda reminds me of my old days of writing Digimon fics based on my own reality... It certainly is a very interesting fanfic. ^^ I like the part where Dan starts hearing all of the weird sounds. Like I said, it's surely well done!

Keep going!

 

[NoDayBut2Day]

Saya - Thanks! I really like to try and be original in what I do. I think you'll also like what will happen with him when things get more strange. I hate the whole start a fic and get a starter pokemon. I am definitally changing everything around. Also I see what you mean about black, I could have been more descriptave at that part instead of using black. Thanks again!

Shadows Follower - Glad I kept you on the edge of your seat hehe! Thanks for the feedback, hope you continue to read and enjoy!

The Great Butler - Yeah, strangly I just got back into pokemon and I am using some real experiances with this cause my name is Dan and I started playing the games again like Yellow and Crystal and I just love the older games for some reason. Thanks again!

Mika_Coyote - Thats cool you can relate things to my fics and your old writing. Thanks for the comments!


Thanks for the feedback! Good to see people are enjoying this. Any other feedback is very welcome! I love to hear what people think. Also thanks for the ratings, hope your idea of this fic stays positive the whole time. Next chapter out in a day or so, its about 1/4 done. Thanks again everyone!


-Danny

 

[Silentvibrava]

I really enjoyed this chapter because it's really original and something I haven't seen in a long while. It was a really good length, if not a little short.

Anyway, you have me hooked for a while and I rarely find stories that catch my interest. I only suggest you use a little bit of a more advanced vocabulary and that's it. Keep up the good work.

 

[Act]

You got praise ;; That scares me. *thwacks SPPf users over head with smart stick*

Anyway. My comments aside... uh...onward?

---

NO NOT A 'Randar-person-gets-magically-transported-to-pokemon-world-fic.' *whimpers* Please, at least have a good grasp on the English language so my harping your plot won't be that bad.

Alright, first (or second) of all, I'd really, really advise against first-person, especially for a first-time ficcer. There are so many technicalities involved in first-person writing, and it usually doesn't sound as polished or finished as third-person does.

NO NOT A SELF-INSERT!

Never, ever, use yourself in a fic. It's like insta-sue. Or stu, in your case. Gah, you're killing me over here!

She spat back at me acting all superior and better than me cause she had been playing a hell of a lot more than myself.

Where do I start... first of all, this is incredibly informal, which is another reason first person is a bad way to start out. It's generally not a good idea to write the way you talk, but it's something you can get away with. If this is supposed to be a serious fic, you need to be much more formal than this.

And secondly, write out BECAUSE. It's two more letters, it won't kill you.

with her Pokemon red

Before I forget, the titles of the games should be capatalized. (Pokemon Yellow, not pokemon yellow or Pokemon yellow or even pokemon Yellow.)

I decided to have Bulbasaur have a go at Staryu first.

You use the word 'have' twice in this sentence. Word repeition = no-no.

Making a smart move I recalled Bulbasaur and sent out Pikachu to finish the match.

*deep breath* Alrighty. *blank look* I'll be blatant: Don't tell us how great your character is. Don't say, 'Louie is a genious,' or, 'Rena is beautiful.' Just don't. That's the first step to avoiding sues (or stus). Leave us with a character's actions, and we, the readers (who do have fully functioning minds) will decide for ourselves whether or not this was a smart move.

what not boy!?

Something tells me this was supposed to be '...what now...?!' not 'what not' which means something completely different.

Alright, after this first part... your grammar was technically fine, though I'm really afraid your character is a stu. But the main thing is... what in the world was the point of that scene? You could just as easily have started with the exciting part of the fic and given us a four-sentence recap of the day without wasting our time. ;;

I walked outside and the wind blew my gray sweat pants and loose fitted white shirt. I only had one class that day and just felt like being a complete bum. My black and white hat held down my black hair because I didn’t feel like gelling it all up to look good. Finally reaching my black Honda Civic I quick got in and drove myself home.

First of all, I don't particularly care what your character looks like. I find it trivial and annoying information. It disrupts the flow of the fic (which, admittedly, doesn't really exist anyway), and it just... un-needed.

Secondly, how old is this kid? He was acting like a little child, so I assumed he was the usual starter age-- 10. But he's 17? What?

As I was driving, I started to music play, the same music when my game starts up.

Holy crap. It IS a self-insert-get-sucked-into-game-fic. You have to be kidding me (I thought they were just myths).

I'm really tempted to stop right now and just tell you that your character is, in fact, a mary-sue (gary-stu), and that your plot is cliche and way overused, but... I dunno. I feel like I need to further justify myself. Or maybe I just find sue-fcs fun to concrit.

As I was driving, I started to music play,

I think if you read this over, you'll see the problem.

the same music when my

There should be an 'as' between 'music' and 'when.'

I shrugged it off and continued to drive home.

But... wasn't he just on his way to school?

Once again I checked but nothing.

Comma after 'checked.'

depressing when you drove into the driveway.

Never use the word 'you' in a fic. Never. Ever. The end. Find a way around it.

My house was dirty from the winter and so depressing when you drove into the driveway. I knew we should have had our house be a darker color but nobody listened. But I left my car and ran and unlocked the door and went inside my warm house. My house was silent almost to the point you could hear a pin drop but the noises came back.

How many times did you use the word 'house' in these sentences? Like six? Not good. Word repitition = evil.

I was driving but soon I

Comma between driving and but.

I called out hoping for an

Comma between out and hoping.

but it led my nowhere.

If you don't see the problem here, you don't deserve to have me point it out

one creature, so strange, like they were

I'll just go ahead and rewrite this for you:

"...one creature, which was strange; it was like they were..."

Didn’t even catch a glimpse of one darting across to hide or to attack.

Sentence fragment (consider revising).

dreamt

Dreampt, my dear.

Finally after only minutes that felt like hours of walking, I finally saw a sleek brown tail hiding behind a pricker bush. I don’t know why it’d hide under that of all bushes, but I crept quietly to see what it was. In a way, it looked like a Zigzagoon in a way, but no way it could be…or could it?

Why is he so upset that he's seeing no animals? And further, why is this so surreal? He's dreaming. You dream weird stuff all the time. And 'it'd' is a made-up contraction, I'm fairly sure. Please, write it out. It won't kill you.

little more but it ran

Comma between more and but. Seriously, what do you have against commas? They don't bite. They're very friendly, actually.

“Why are you home and not in school?” she blurted out in a ****** off tone.

I'm really not a fan of cursing within narration. All it does is make you sound stupid, like you can't come up with anything better to say.

She just woke me up, how else would I react?

Ouch. You just broke the fourth wall, and I think the shattered pieces cut me.

Never reference or ask questions to the reader.

give my attitude

Me, not my.

I kept hearing, Pika, Pikachu! Chi, Chikorita! and other pokemon. No way it could have been my game since it was still in my car with my books. I must be losing my mind! I have to be! No way I could tell anyone, not my friends, family, anyone! They’d think I’m crazy, but maybe I am…maybe I should go to the loony bin…I don’t know!

Am I supposed to be laughing here? Didn't think so. Seriously, this is a pretty weird train of thought. First of all, for all he knows, he could still be dreaming, or even in a semi-concious state. Secondly, ever hear of getting a song stuck in your head? Names and phrases can work the same way. It doesn't make you crazy. And in any case, if something was wrong, I'd think the first thing he'd want to do would be to tell his mother and have her call a doctor.

It just stayed with me like a disease.

Dude, it's been like ten minutes. Calm down.

talk too, but whom?

Who, not whom. Attempt at grammartical prowess = failure.

So many questions I ask but none can give me an answer or even a clue of where to begin.

Don't change tenses.

Geez, this guy is such a drama queen. Or king. Whatever.

PLEASE, stop with the rhetorical questions. It's annoying.

Just to be helping my curiosity I pinched myself and it hurt

I have a real question. Is English your second language? This sounds like the kind of grammatical mistake a translator or someone who hasn't been taught he language since they were five. Scrap this sentence, it has problems.

a full team now consisting of Mankey, Pikachu, Ivysaur, and Charmander.

Um, no, it very blatantly consists of zigzagoon and charmander. This guy is really stupid. He hasn't figure out that something's wrong *yet*? I figured out what was going to happen as soon as I started reading the first scene.

I was back in the forest again.


Is this a sign?


Am I crazy?


I am back in this forest.

Why the hell would that make him crazy? It's called a recurring dream. Many people have them.

--

Alright. Wow. Where do I start.

First off all, these kind of plots are the most overdone, next to OTs, which they could be considered in the end. And, unlike, OTs, I'm not particularly fond of them.

So, that means, regardless of what anyone here says, this is an idea that is done over and over.

Secondly, your character is not only incredibly annoying and overly-dramatic, he's a sue. And if he isn't, he's about a millimeter away from being one. Self-inserts can't work because you're too tampted to make everything perfect, make the 'you' character seem cool, and smart, and have everything great happen to them. There's nothing wrong with having a character be a little like you, but that's different than a self-insert.

Thirdly, USE COMMAS. The end.

Fourthly, start the fic where it's interesting. This was so boring at the beginning, and a little pointless. You could have easily started the fic with the last scene.

As for your prose, it was pretty juvenile. It read like someone on the street was just randomly telling me the fic, which isn't really a good thing. Generally, even informal writing is expected to have a more refined tone than speaking. You had word repition issues, and apparently a pretty limited vocabularly.

All that aside, you had no tone and the way you told the story--- without powerful words and any enthusiasm-- was really boring and almost difficult to read.

*looks up at other reviews* That undying praise scares me, but I'm not sure what I expect. Maybe even scarier than that is the fact that you're older than me. *shrug*

Your prose is probably the difference here, when push comes to shove. Even a bad plot and cliches all around can be compensated for m good writing, which this blatantly isn't. My only advice to you on how to improve your prose is to read. A lot. Good fanfic authors, good real authors. Anything and everything. It works, believe me.

Good luck. IMO, you might need it.

 

[HB5squared]

The affects of playing to many pokemon games...

That poor person what will happen at the end of this fic, perhaps he wakes up from a dream or maybe we learn that he bumped his head and went into a coma. Or perhaps mew will magically come down to him and send him back to his worldand everyone will have no recolection of what had happened.

Try and differ from the above endings. But so far very original and creative. The main character must be the biggest nerd ever he is like in college and plays pokemon and wears sweat pants! *giggles* I liked it though.

Overall- fun to read and funny in a way...Good!

 

[NoDayBut2Day]

Act I read your reply and I'm not ogint to reply to every little thing but I think you kinda misunderstood and didn't expect this big of a review on a prologue lol.

First off, I wrote this in like an hour or so with no intention of me getting on reply. It was something random and just came to my head. Also this fic isn't suppose to be that serious, and that explians language. I read a book recently where the language was so terribable it was great, its called "Feed" Its not as bad as feed but yes I know the language this far is crap.

Another thing is, he has my name and basically thats about it. I don't hear things and never have a Iread a book about someone getting sucked into the game. Guess they all happened when I was gone but meh. And the mary sure, not quite. It might be the now I find out, typical sucked in a game senario but this isn't going to be a free ride. I like to make things complicated, hard, non of the getting a starter from a guy who's name is also of a tree blah blah crap and winning everything. I want Dan to fail, to get some ok pokemon but were not talking A - Class im going win types. I try to use pokemon that are under used. Also Ill say now this is takig place in Johto cause I haven't really seen many Johto fics around so figure it'd be a nice little change. Also with the questions and him seeming like a drama king, thats kinda what I was going for. More will be told on why he is like that and why he is just so paranoid with hearing a sound. I want him to be the most wierdest person ever and make him so he can learn from mistakes.

The getting annoyed of the language thing I can see why but it isn't going to be all that. I am taking this next chapter more serious because if I wasn't it'd be out by now along with two others. I like to take my time usually and write one in a few days. It may not always turn out the best but at least I feel I took some time. Plus im a Senior and have a job and obviously I focus on my work quality which could be a slap in the face to people who work a lot harder on their fics which I know a lot of people do, but I know I'm not some amazingly great author whos gona sell books.

Sad thing is that no my first language is english, so slap in the face to me. Second I've mentioned I used to write fics so this isn't a first one. I'm not mad at your response I love it, but I think you misinterpreted a little bit. I like my fics to be fun and humorous and I guess to some this was boring.

All that aside, you had no tone and the way you told the story--- without powerful words and any enthusiasm-- was really boring and almost difficult to read.

You say this but I'm not sure how old you are cause "Feed" is full of swearing and even to me was shocking in the language and what was said. When I first started to read it, I thought it was a crock and wanted to throw the book away but it ended up becoming one of my favorite books. I'm not saying this is going to be like it, just a tad bit in some areas without all the swearing. I really hope you'll take a second look and if you don't like well can't please anyone. Haven't been to the boards in forever and my fan fic writing isn't the greatest. But thats my say on it and what this fic will be about. Even this reply is pretty jumpy cause im just throwing out everything as it comes. But I appreciate your comment. Thanks!

 

[Xiang]

Rewind for a second and ignore the whole thing about "Feed." Always do you best, even if it delays the chapter. If you typed this up in an hour, than surely Act can point out its flaws.

Also, if there happens to be swearing in the chapter, or even a little bit, give a tiny warning or up the rating, some people can't handle it. It's not your fault, but you'll have to take responsibility. I know that you greatly appreciated Act's review, but your back-up isn't the best.

Making a character all weird and using way under-used Pokemon can get very cliche, but if you put it in an interesting spotlight and poke at it in a new way, you could pull it off.

Sure you can't please anyone. Eer, everyone. But you can try!

Sorry if I misunderstood you too. I hope I didn't.

Everything I meant to say for a review has been mentioned- my advice- keep going! You have great potential!

 

[NoDayBut2Day]

Ratiasu no, its fine. I respect what everyone tells me, I just wanted to get what my idea for the fic was. And yeah your right it could get cliche with under used pokemon and I'm def going to try and not make that happen. One pokemon is pretty common but won't recive it till later. I like that pokemon I'm going to choose alot and make it different, get what im saying? I love giving pokemon personalitys that are fun so hopefully you will agree.

 

[Act]

I'm in a terrible mood right now, so excuse me if I sound harshes than I might have otherwise:

I read a book recently where the language was so terribable it was great, its called "Feed"

There's a difference between bad language in dialogue versus in narration. The latter makes you sound imbecile. I don't care who wrote a book with it; I don't agree with that person either, then.

First off, I wrote this in like an hour or so with no intention of me getting on reply. It was something random and just came to my head. Also this fic isn't suppose to be that serious, and that explains the language

I dunno, you're making excuses for yourself here. I once wrote a fic-- Sincerely, Feebas, it was called-- in ten minutes that wasn't meant to be serious, but it didn't have cursing. I'm not sure I follow the logic.

I like to make things complicated, hard, non of the getting a starter from a guy who's name is also of a tree blah blah crap and winning everything.

Which goes hand-in-hand with this 'not being a serious fic,' right? Don't contradict yourself, it doesn't do much for your argument.

I want him to be the most wierdest person ever and make him so he can learn from mistakes.

First of all, 'most weirdest' is so grammatically wrong that I giggle. Secondly, whatever. Never mind. Not worth arguing.

I am taking this next chapter more serious because if I wasn't it'd be out by now along with two others.

*sings* Make up your mind...

misinterpreted a little bit. I like my fics to be fun and humorous and I guess to some this was boring. [/quoe]

There's a difference between a fun, humorous fic and a badly written one, my dear.

You say this but I'm not sure how old you are cause "Feed" is full of swearing and even to me was shocking in the language and what was said.

Why does that have anything to do with my age? **** you. There, I said it. I'm not afraid of cursing, I simply think it detracts from narration and degrades an author's abilities.

Also, I'm not sure why you keep throwing 'Feed' at me. I don't care what that guy does, I still don't agree with it in your fic.

Do what you please, in any case. You asked for my opinion and I gave it, no more, no less.

Good luck.

 

[icemew]

I read a book recently where the language was so terribable it was great, its called "Feed" Its not as bad as feed but yes I know the language this far is crap.

If that's the same book I'm thinking of, you totally missed the point. You know it was SATIRE, right?

...scratch that, I think you proved its point...

 

[NoDayBut2Day]

Act, I'm just staying silent because I respect you for your review and that's that and I thank you. I don't want to start anything because I have a tendancy and sorry if I offended you.

Icemew, maybe it is the same book your thinking just we never discussed in class if it was a satire, my knowledge of the book was to show how a feed could disrupt the mind and dumb people down. But how the wrote it I kind of liked cause it was fun to read. So maybe we are. Thanks for your comment on it thought.

Next chapter out soon. Just started a new book for school so I wanted to get reading done for that.

Anymore input?

-Danny

 

[icemew]

...but...the way it was written was supposed to be bad. The swearing and the style were because it's first person, and the whole of the book was supposed to be showing how he the firstperson narrator had been destroyed by the feed, like everybody else, which was why he could only say it like that. The author wasn't just saying the feed was bad, he was showing what the feed did and saying it THAT bad not the feed itself. So then mimicking that style is like...founding your new government on reading 1984 or something.

...and what's really creepy is you don't seem to get that feed=internet and you're showing that it's true people don't bother even/because they could look up anything...It wasn't just some random scifi thingy.

 

[NoDayBut2Day]

I know the feed is the internet and I know its not some random sci fi book. From what I got out of the book was that the Feed just made everyone dumb because they ddin't learn about everything, they just learned what they needed to know and it ruined them and made them that way. That's why Violet wasn't as bad as the rest of the characters because of reciving her's at such a later age while everyone got the young. I just think you can inturpret this book many ways because we had a huge debate in class about it and there were several views of the book.

I thought I'd try and do something different with my writing but guess I'm not that good at it which I learned from this bit. So the rest won't be like the prologue. But its cool, just thought it'd be different which it was just not in a good way lol. But I didn't think I had that bad of swearing in the prolouge, just like hell and the other word that is censored isn't really bad so I don't know why it was censored. BUt I'm done with trying to do something different and just going to write regularly. I'm going threw chapter 1 and fixing it up a bit. Thanks again.

-Danny

 

[NoDayBut2Day]

After a relentless night of walking in a forest with barely any contact, I finally awoke grumpy and frustrated. The noises were gone, hopefully for good but all my questions remained unanswered. I knew I was hearing things and it wasn’t just my mind playing tricks on me. But what could it possibly be?

Breaking Reality​

By: Dan


I – Press Start

I did my daily routines of showering, getting ready, and going to school. All day my mind was a flat line. But all I could think about was the noises and why they happened. I barely paid any attention in any of my classes and couldn’t even talk to my friends correctly. My mind was a mess.

“Dan what’s wrong?” Kathy asked me. I looked down at the ground and didn’t really want to say anything but another part of me wanted to scream my problems out. But I remained silent. “Come on, tell me already!” she pleaded with curiosity.

“Nothing…just no sleep last night, that’s all,” I sighed. I felt like a coward not being able to tell my friend my problems but she’d think I’m weird and just losing my mind. Even though she already thinks that, but it’d just confirm it.

“Ok…reason one, now what’s the other? You really think I’m stupid don’t you?” she gave me the dirtiest look.

Finally I just had to say it, “I am hearing things…like the noises from my pokemon game…like seriously every now and then I hear it and its getting worse. I’m not even by my game and it’s not even on and I hear it! Seriously…I don’t know what to do…”

“So you hear it too? Wow I thought I was the only one…” she replied back in shock.

“Really?” I was even more surprised now. Maybe we heard the same things, maybe I wasn’t going crazy after all.

“Ha! No! Are you smoking something? You are definitely going crazy! Let me guess, you are seeing pokemon and hearing all these noises and you think something big is going to happen for a huge reason unknown, am I right or am I right?” she laughed as she held her stomach and tears fell down her dark mocha skin.

I felt stupid, humiliated, what was I thinking? Well obviously wanting to tell someone cause she asked what’s wrong, but that’s not the way you react when someone tells you their problems, or is it? Is it so farfetched that I really am hearing things or is she right, I am crazy? Maybe I should just send myself to the loony bin without any more embarrassment for one day even though she is just one person who knows. “Yeah…I guess I am crazy!” I spit out with my head towards the ground shuffling my feet around like a disappointed child.

“Yeah you are, just go home early and get some rest, and you look dreadful. See ya bud!” Kathy hugged me getting her fruit smelling mud brown hair in my mouth. Smelled good, tasted bad. But I loved her honesty. I did look like a car wreck, barely any sleep, and that crazy dream.

~~~~~~~​

I was driving back home and it began to rain pretty heavily. The clouds were rolling around the sky with no sight of blue skies anywhere. As I drove I peered into the sky again as I saw a beautiful blue bird fly by. The bird looked down at me and I knew I recognized it to be a Taillow. But it couldn’t, it was probably just a blue jay or something of the sorts. I continued and looked up again and next to the bird was now a larger bird that looked like a Swellow. I rubbed my hands around my eyes and looked again and they were gone.

“Get yourself together you wacko!” I shouted to myself. As I said it the noises begun again in my head. I heard the drum sound as a battle started up and a trainer sending out his or her first pokemon. Then the squawking sound of a pokemon roared loudly. As battle was starting around me but the noises started to become less game like and more like the show. I could almost hear the pokemon’s real name. What the hell?

~~~~~~~​

At home I lay in my head, hands over my ears but the noises wouldn’t stop. The realism became more and more as I swore I heard a million Zubat’s scattering about in my brain. The three Advil I swallowed twenty-minutes ago weren’t helping the pressure that was building up inside of me. I just wanted to explode with rage but I had to keep cool and not let anyone know or even suspect I was going crazy or what not.

I closed my eyes and all I could see was the forest. But this time the sun faded away into the black and the light of the moon help guide my way around. I heard hoots and scattering around the tree branches and forest floor. Every step I took the ground crackles and I heard more noises around me, I must have been scaring the animals.

I tried to open my eyes but it was no use. What was going on? Why won’t they open? Did I fall asleep? I stood in the forest and shouted, “Somebody help!” But that was no use. What’s the use fighting anymore?

Slowly things started to fade and black out to nothing. My eyes wiggled around and I finally opened them. “Weird,” I said out loud as I woke up in a pool of sweat. I wiped my forehead and just looked around being thankful to be in my room again, not in a forest, not dreaming, not anywhere but here.

Looking down I saw my gameboy with my pokemon crystal game inside. What was it doing here? I picked it up and turned it on to see where I last was. The game started as usual and I continued my way and the screen showed where I was, the Ilex forest. Could this be where I was in my dreams? I turned the game off and threw it on the floor hoping to escape it but I went and picked it back up. I tossed it in a wooden drawer next to my bed and just sat there.

The noises wouldn’t go away.

Why me?

Someone answer me!

I started to cover my ears and roll on my bed again. This aggravation was driving me up the wall. I just wanted to throw my head against the wall or cut of my ears and mail them to Kathy so she could take notice of the crap I was hearing. It wasn’t right; something had to be wrong with me to be getting this. I opened my eyes for one quick second and I swore I saw a leaf sticking up on the side of my bed. I opened my eyes again and it was gone. I stopped moving around and went over to look. Nothing. Nothing was there.

I put my hands over my face and fell back into my bed. Something wasn’t right; I didn’t feel padding under me. I slowly moved my hands down from my face and saw the sun’s luminous light shine into my dark eyes. Moving my head from side to side, all I could see was a long road with dark green grass flowing on each side of it. Trees were scattered around vastly but it was more just like an open field.

I stood up and looked down to see I was in dark navy blue jeans and a blood colored shirt. My midnight colored hair was slicked back and my contacts were in. How did I get changed so fast? Wait…what the hell am I doing here? I’ve never seen this place before. So strange. So weird. This is definitely not right. I don’t know how many times I have to say or think it, but it’s true, something is not right here.
I started to walk along the rusty looking solid dirt path. I was lost and confused with no idea where I was. The beat down on me and sweat began to roll down my frightened skin. I couldn’t help but to worry. This couldn’t be a dream, or maybe perhaps it is. The wind blew the sweat off my face and felt great.

Finally about a half a mile or so in front of me was walking a dark figure. As I neared the figure slowly morphed into a girl who looked my age. She had the brightest baby blue shirt on that brought out her light brown highlights in her blonde hair. Her smile was present and I figured I could ask her for some help because if anything, she knew where I had to be.

“Excuse me, miss, can you help me?” I asked as polite as I could get.

“Hey, what can I do for ya?” she said with the most beautiful accent I have ever heard in my life. It was so soft, so sweet, like a song almost.

“Can you please tell me where I am?” I hoped she knew where she was. If not, then it had to be a dream, just had to be. My palms were sweating and my mind was rushing with extremely dreadful thoughts.

“Your on your way to town which is about a mile away from here,” she replied and then added, “You ever been to Violet City? Because that’s where you’re heading.”

My jaw dropped in disbelief, this can’t be right. I should be in Ohio, not Johto. I just need to play cool, stay cool, stay calm, and not freak out. Just breathe. “I see…ok…bye,” I started walking towards town.

“Wait, I didn’t catch your name,” she blushed towards me. Her cheeks turned a rose color as she waited for my answer.

“I’m Dan, and you are?” I asked as I turned back around to face her.

“I’m Susie,” she smiled happily as she played with her fingers and her eyes were glued on me like a magnet.

This was just too good to be true, “See ya!” I turned back around and started walking towards this supposed “Violet City” which I knew couldn’t be right.

“Wait, want to have a battle before you go?” she smiled as I turned my head, how could I say no. Her innocence just lured me in as I began to smile back at her. I walked back towards her like a puppy dog. Even with all the confusion and frustration, I had to turn around.

I had one problem, “I don’t have any pokemon.” I felt stupid and she’d probably laugh at me but I had no idea where I was for real and what was happening to me. For all I know this could be a dream and ill end up in my underwear on stage somewhere.

“Your funny, there right on your belt,” she giggled and she was right. I looked down to see two pokeballs attacked to my belt. This was just too weird. But I don’t know what it was about her that just made me feel so safe, just couldn’t put my finger on it.

“Oh, guess I do. So a battle then?” she smiled again revealing her pearly whites that glistened, she must be a big health freak. Her body seemed pretty toned and looked like she took care of her face pretty well. The softest looking skin, she was just so mesmerizing.

“Ok let’s go, two on two match! I choose you Butterfree!” she shouted as she tossed a bright pink pokeball into the air. The ball exploded with light and a large butterfly shot out fluttering threw the air. It screeched its name as it flew happily around her.

“Um…go pokemon!” I shouted as I tossed one of the balls. The red and white ball spun around and released energy. I watched as a small form began to form on the ground. It was about knee high but was standing on its tail. The light faded to reveal Sentret. Its fur looked so soft and I looked at the pokemon in a whole new way. It looked pretty strong. I never though of using one but now was the time.

“Butterfree, use confusion!” she announced as her pokemon obeyed her.

“Sentret use…tackle,” I quick shot out.

Butterfree started to glow a bright blue as the wind started to blow around it. Sentret started to leap at the flying bug but a large blue force shot from Butterfree and slammed my pokemon into the ground. Sentret could barely move; this was one powerful bug.

“Now tackle!” she shouted without giving me time to think of another attack.

Sentret was hit hard as Butterfree slammed its body into it and Sentret fell back once more and looked fainted. Barely moving I decided to recall and send out my next pokemon with better luck.

“Go other pokeball!” I announced as the ball spun and light jolted out. This time the figure was about the same size but looked like a small elephant. Right away I knew it had to be a Phanpy, which wasn’t good. “Use growl!” I shouted.

“Butterfree tackle!” Susie called out.

Butterfree listened as it dove down full speed at my ground type. Its wings glistened in the sunlight as it neared. Phanpy started to screech its name loudly causing Butterfree to slow down. “Tackle!” I shouted quickly. Phanpy obeyed and leaped up and tackled the bug type that was close to the ground. Butterfree landed on the ground with Phanpy on top.

“Confusion!” she shouted quickly.

Butterfree started t glow blue again and energy shot out from its body making Phanpy fall backwards and tumble on the ground in a ball. Phanpy got back up quickly and tackled the butterfly pokemon again without waiting for my next order. It started to pounce on the butterfly up and down shouting its name like an ape. I was a little embarrassed and told Phanpy to stop. Phanpy got off Butterfree as Susie recalled it back to its pokeball.

“Well that was just strange, go Poliwag!” she shouted as she tossed what looked to be a lure ball. I could tell from the ocean blue coloring and bubble looking outline.

The tadpole pokemon came bouncing out and blew bubbles all around. Susie looked embarrassed now as well but it was cute. “Use water gun!” she shouted.

“Tackle!” I countered.

A large jet of water shot out from Poliwag’s spirally stomach. The water crashed into my pokemon before it even had a chance to attack back. Phanpy was sent backwards again and hit the ground hard. I could see the pain in its eyes so I recalled him before anymore damage was done.

“Not to bad for pokemon that would normally have no chance against me, but you have a lot of work buddy,” she giggled as she recalled her water type.

“Thanks…for a dream, this was pretty realistic,” I laughed back putting the pokeballs back at my side. I felt the wind blow and a cool breeze made me shiver; I could tell it was close to night.

“What? A dream? You ok?” she questioned me. She looked puzzled and that worried me, could a dream play tricks on me? If it wasn’t, then she thinks I’m a freak. If this isn’t a dream, then maybe I am somewhere else.

“Never mind, thinking out loud…I guess,” I replied scratching my dark hair and then fixing it back in place. I then started to bite my nails worrying that this was real. I thought quickly and I bite my finger, it hurt. It was real. I’ve never felt pain in a dream. This was getting way to weird for my liking.

“Well I guess I’ll see you around, see ya!” she smiled as she walked into the field.

“Wait, maybe we could hang together?” I asked hoping she could help me out.

“Sorry, my boyfriend is waiting, he wouldn’t like that too much. Bye,” she said as she walked off into the fields.

“One embarrassment after the next,” I said quietly as I started to walk in the direction she told me town was in. The sun started to set and I started to get colder. If this was a dream, I didn’t like it now. Girls hit on me and have boyfriends, its cold, I have no jacket, and I am terrible at battling.

I crossed my arms and continued walking down the path. A town was in sight and I couldn’t wait to reach it. With my memory still working, pokemon centers allowed people to stay there and that was exactly where I was heading too. There I could rest, think, and figure out what I should do. I just had to keep my cool so if it is real, people don’t think I’m insane here too. What else could possibly happen?



_____________________


End of the first chapter, now what are peoples thoughts?

Thanks and C ya!

-Danny

 

[ShadowCloud62]

“Wait, I didn’t catch your name,” she blushed towards me. Her cheeks turned a rose color as she waited for my answer.

Er, I think 'blushed towards me' should be 'rushed towards me'

“Your funny, there right on your belt,” she giggled and she was right. I looked down to see two pokeballs attacked to my belt.

1. You used the wrong your, it should be you're. 'Your' is stating something, belonging to. 'You're' is 'you are'. You're is what you should use.
2. 'Attacked to my belt'? Shouldn't it be 'attached to my belt'?
3. A comma between there and right.


Overall, not bad, although I'm not a fan of person-heading-to-Pokemon-World fics. I'll keep reading if you update soon.

 

[NoDayBut2Day]

Thanks for your reply. Aftre reading that one sentance it is blushed but I should have worded it differenty. Cause after I talk about her cheeks turning a rose red. Not everyone can be a fan but who knows, maybe I could change it, if not its cool. Thanks for your input.

Anyone else have any opinions? reviews? comments?


-Danny