diamondpearl876
Well-Known Member
YO. FINALLY GETTING TO YOUR FIC.
Saying “his dad” like that is correctly, though the “dad” after the semi-colon should be capitalized since it’s being referred to as his name. Though in third person, it seems odd to just call him “Dad,” so you could add “his” in there too. You do this a few times throughout the prologue, so I thought I’d point it out at least once.
At the end, there. Just because Tommy’s not currently saying it now, doesn’t mean that quotation marks should be used. I would fix that, and also, there doesn’t need to be a period at the end—the exclamation point is your ending punctuation instead.
Quite amusing. I’d like to see this date scene.
I also look forward to seeing how Tommy’s impulsive and criticizing self effects Sammy throughout the fic.
Should be:
(my Caterpie, Sammy thought)
No need for apostrophes, and it isn’t the beginning of a brand new sentence, so the beginning doesn’t need to be capitalized. If you’re trying to emphasize thought, I would recommend italics instead.
LOL. I had to try not to laugh out loud for real in class here. I quite like the realisticness of this—a baby pokémon (I assume the Caterpie is young since he’d be evolved already if he wasn’t) not knowing even the simplest of things? Nice. String shot makes sense since that’s a survival tactic, but tackle doesn’t.
Anyway, I quite liked the prologue. The family interaction particularly interests me. I always like seeing how male/male relationships turn out (and I mean platonically or otherwise) simply because so many people try to provide a mix of character genders. It reminds me of Supernatural (especially since one of the brother’s name is Sammy).
The childish imagery and description you provided was also nice. You do a good job of portraying Sammy’s young self without appearing way too young and naïve, as some authors do. Calling pokémon “friends” is a nice touch that specifically helped this childish tone.
The only thing I might have added is description of Tommy and Sammy, especially since they’re main characters and since Sammy daydreams so much. He daydreams so much but yet I can’t imagine what he’s thinking, which isn’t good.
CHAPTER 1
I find it odd that Sammy would want to go back to sleep after having nightmares. As someone who has nightmares almost nightly, I find myself avoiding sleep at all costs, no matter how tired I am. Of course, everyone’s different, but I’d still like to know his reasons. This doesn’t seem important, but lack of sleep can affect his character greatly, so yeah.
Sometimes, you have wordy sentences like this. As a writer, I feel that you should always try to make your message as clear and concise as possible (unless, of course, you’re trying to be mysterious—but that doesn’t seem to be the case here). I think this would sound better as: It was eight o’clock when his hotel phone rang, and Sam hadn’t gotten anymore sleep. Or something along those lines. Try experimenting with different sentence structures and with using less words and you’ll be okay. I’d also suggest reading your work out loud to be able to point out when things get wordy/confusing.
Should be “Customs were” since customs is plural.
Like Sidewinder, I like the obvious differences between regions that you add in here. It makes traveling feel more realistic. Description is still fine here, also—you give plenty of little details that bring the story to life (like the Rhydon mascot mention). I also like the kind of sort of cliffhanger at the end—why does Sammy had Vlam? Where’s Tommy and his dad? I have a feeling nothing good is going to happen since doctors were mentioned, but we’ll see. Hmm.
CHAPTER 2
“quarterfinal”
If I’m being honest, I found it kind of jarring that you went from flashback, to present, to flashback. It may have made more sense to have the prologue, then chapter 2, then chapter 1, so that we could see the characters grow rather regress. I hope that makes sense. It was just an odd transition.
The dad’s death also made me feel more sorry for Sammy and Tommy than the dad himself. Other people said that you could have introduced the dad, but I think that it should have been done in the other flashback. You mentioned some things, though now that he died so quickly, more could have been added. Introducing him and trying to interpret him only to see him die a few paragraphs later would have also been jarring. That said, it wasn’t what I was expecting, but it was emotional, suspenseful, and overall nicely written—just a bit fast paced.
CHAPTER 3
I particularly like this section. Often we forget that pokémon do very, uh, pokémon/animal-like things and that they aren’t very similar to humans (I do this a lot in my fic, blah), but you portray their animalistic traits pretty well.
The part “from what I understand” sounded odd to me. That implies that Professor Rowan never really worked with Sammy’s father, but instead just heard about him. I don’t know, it just doesn’t sound like something you’d say about a friend.
Too bad, I’m calling you Sammy, Sammy.
Anyway, I liked this chapter for its reflection upon life after his dad’s death, and also since the main plot has apparently been introduced. I’m quite interested to see what he wants with the three lake pokémon. I think they’re quite fascinating and have a lot of potential, so I look forward to what you do with them.
CHAPTER 4
Once again, the flashback switching seems kind of out of place to me. Also, you haven’t delved into Tommy and Sammy’s character enough for me to see the changes between then and now. You write well, but the past is odd for me still.
This chapter was most notable for its dialogue, I think. It was adorable; I’ll always be looking forward to Tommy and Sammy’s interactions.
By the way, Barnabus is an awesome name.
Description was fine, and grammar seemed nearly faultless in this chapter—it means you’re improving!
This review is kind of short since class is about to end and I already covered everything I wanted to cover in other chapters, but I’ll be looking forward to more. Add to PM list for real now, please? 8)
Sammy’s freckled cheeks blushed, his dad wouldn’t have approved of that, either; dad always called them “friends”.
Saying “his dad” like that is correctly, though the “dad” after the semi-colon should be capitalized since it’s being referred to as his name. Though in third person, it seems odd to just call him “Dad,” so you could add “his” in there too. You do this a few times throughout the prologue, so I thought I’d point it out at least once.
On the weekends when they were at home playing video games while dad was at work, Sammy would ask why he didn’t just go out on a date with one of those girls instead, but Tommy’s answer was always just to laugh and say the same thing. ‘Sammy, you’d burn the house down if I wasn’t here!’.
At the end, there. Just because Tommy’s not currently saying it now, doesn’t mean that quotation marks should be used. I would fix that, and also, there doesn’t need to be a period at the end—the exclamation point is your ending punctuation instead.
“A battle?” Sammy cried, having realized where Tommy was going. “But I just caught it! I don’t know anything about it yet!”
“Well how do you think you get to know it? Take it out on a date?”
Quite amusing. I’d like to see this date scene.
I also look forward to seeing how Tommy’s impulsive and criticizing self effects Sammy throughout the fic.
The energy converted into a Caterpie (‘My Caterpie’, Sammy thought) as fluidly as the reverse had happened just minutes before.
Should be:
(my Caterpie, Sammy thought)
No need for apostrophes, and it isn’t the beginning of a brand new sentence, so the beginning doesn’t need to be capitalized. If you’re trying to emphasize thought, I would recommend italics instead.
“Sammy, it’s not that it’s not listening to you. It just...,” Tommy stopped and chewed his lower lip, “I don’t think it knows how to tackle.”
Sammy snapped his attention back to Caterpie so quickly, he felt a nerve pinch in his neck, but shook it off. “No, that’s not...come on! What the heck? You just...run at it and throw your body at it, bug! It’s simplest attack in the world!” The Caterpie just continued staring back at him. “Run! You’ve got, like, a dozen little legs!” The creature went back to its leaf, seemingly bored with what the boy was telling it.
LOL. I had to try not to laugh out loud for real in class here. I quite like the realisticness of this—a baby pokémon (I assume the Caterpie is young since he’d be evolved already if he wasn’t) not knowing even the simplest of things? Nice. String shot makes sense since that’s a survival tactic, but tackle doesn’t.
Anyway, I quite liked the prologue. The family interaction particularly interests me. I always like seeing how male/male relationships turn out (and I mean platonically or otherwise) simply because so many people try to provide a mix of character genders. It reminds me of Supernatural (especially since one of the brother’s name is Sammy).
The childish imagery and description you provided was also nice. You do a good job of portraying Sammy’s young self without appearing way too young and naïve, as some authors do. Calling pokémon “friends” is a nice touch that specifically helped this childish tone.
The only thing I might have added is description of Tommy and Sammy, especially since they’re main characters and since Sammy daydreams so much. He daydreams so much but yet I can’t imagine what he’s thinking, which isn’t good.
CHAPTER 1
Sam pounded his fist into the too-hard mattress; he was used to having the nightmare by now, but he knew he’d never get used to how it felt waking from it. He briefly considered lying back down, but it was all-too-common that he never fell back to sleep after this nightmare. The disappointment of not being able to do so yet again was too much to bear.
I find it odd that Sammy would want to go back to sleep after having nightmares. As someone who has nightmares almost nightly, I find myself avoiding sleep at all costs, no matter how tired I am. Of course, everyone’s different, but I’d still like to know his reasons. This doesn’t seem important, but lack of sleep can affect his character greatly, so yeah.
As of eight o’clock, Sam had never managed to get any more sleep when his hotel phone rang.
Sometimes, you have wordy sentences like this. As a writer, I feel that you should always try to make your message as clear and concise as possible (unless, of course, you’re trying to be mysterious—but that doesn’t seem to be the case here). I think this would sound better as: It was eight o’clock when his hotel phone rang, and Sam hadn’t gotten anymore sleep. Or something along those lines. Try experimenting with different sentence structures and with using less words and you’ll be okay. I’d also suggest reading your work out loud to be able to point out when things get wordy/confusing.
Customs was clear on the other end of the city--near the condominiums--but traffic was nearly impassable.
Should be “Customs were” since customs is plural.
Like Sidewinder, I like the obvious differences between regions that you add in here. It makes traveling feel more realistic. Description is still fine here, also—you give plenty of little details that bring the story to life (like the Rhydon mascot mention). I also like the kind of sort of cliffhanger at the end—why does Sammy had Vlam? Where’s Tommy and his dad? I have a feeling nothing good is going to happen since doctors were mentioned, but we’ll see. Hmm.
CHAPTER 2
Tommy was down to just Vlam in this four-on-four quaterfinal.
“quarterfinal”
If I’m being honest, I found it kind of jarring that you went from flashback, to present, to flashback. It may have made more sense to have the prologue, then chapter 2, then chapter 1, so that we could see the characters grow rather regress. I hope that makes sense. It was just an odd transition.
The dad’s death also made me feel more sorry for Sammy and Tommy than the dad himself. Other people said that you could have introduced the dad, but I think that it should have been done in the other flashback. You mentioned some things, though now that he died so quickly, more could have been added. Introducing him and trying to interpret him only to see him die a few paragraphs later would have also been jarring. That said, it wasn’t what I was expecting, but it was emotional, suspenseful, and overall nicely written—just a bit fast paced.
CHAPTER 3
Bree was oblivious to all of this, as she had fluttered her way into a corner of the room and was pecking around an overgrown houseplant whose vines were snaking between Rowan’s window blinds. Time and again, she’d dig her head into the heart of the plant only to snap it back out in alarm when its leaves tickled her wings. “There’s no honey in there, Bree,” Sam would say to her as she stared down the plant, her wings stretched wide to make herself appear large. After several seconds, Bree would forget the advice and again dig into it.
I particularly like this section. Often we forget that pokémon do very, uh, pokémon/animal-like things and that they aren’t very similar to humans (I do this a lot in my fic, blah), but you portray their animalistic traits pretty well.
“High regard then from a man who deserved to be held equally high from what I understand.” Rowan removed his red sucker and smoothed his beard with his free hand.
The part “from what I understand” sounded odd to me. That implies that Professor Rowan never really worked with Sammy’s father, but instead just heard about him. I don’t know, it just doesn’t sound like something you’d say about a friend.
I haven’t gone by Sammy in years.
Too bad, I’m calling you Sammy, Sammy.
Anyway, I liked this chapter for its reflection upon life after his dad’s death, and also since the main plot has apparently been introduced. I’m quite interested to see what he wants with the three lake pokémon. I think they’re quite fascinating and have a lot of potential, so I look forward to what you do with them.
CHAPTER 4
Once again, the flashback switching seems kind of out of place to me. Also, you haven’t delved into Tommy and Sammy’s character enough for me to see the changes between then and now. You write well, but the past is odd for me still.
This chapter was most notable for its dialogue, I think. It was adorable; I’ll always be looking forward to Tommy and Sammy’s interactions.
By the way, Barnabus is an awesome name.
Description was fine, and grammar seemed nearly faultless in this chapter—it means you’re improving!
This review is kind of short since class is about to end and I already covered everything I wanted to cover in other chapters, but I’ll be looking forward to more. Add to PM list for real now, please? 8)