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Brothers' Bond (PG-13)

diamondpearl876

Well-Known Member
YO. FINALLY GETTING TO YOUR FIC.

Sammy’s freckled cheeks blushed, his dad wouldn’t have approved of that, either; dad always called them “friends”.

Saying “his dad” like that is correctly, though the “dad” after the semi-colon should be capitalized since it’s being referred to as his name. Though in third person, it seems odd to just call him “Dad,” so you could add “his” in there too. You do this a few times throughout the prologue, so I thought I’d point it out at least once.

On the weekends when they were at home playing video games while dad was at work, Sammy would ask why he didn’t just go out on a date with one of those girls instead, but Tommy’s answer was always just to laugh and say the same thing. ‘Sammy, you’d burn the house down if I wasn’t here!’.

At the end, there. Just because Tommy’s not currently saying it now, doesn’t mean that quotation marks should be used. I would fix that, and also, there doesn’t need to be a period at the end—the exclamation point is your ending punctuation instead.

“A battle?” Sammy cried, having realized where Tommy was going. “But I just caught it! I don’t know anything about it yet!”

“Well how do you think you get to know it? Take it out on a date?”

Quite amusing. I’d like to see this date scene.

I also look forward to seeing how Tommy’s impulsive and criticizing self effects Sammy throughout the fic.

The energy converted into a Caterpie (‘My Caterpie’, Sammy thought) as fluidly as the reverse had happened just minutes before.

Should be:

(my Caterpie, Sammy thought)

No need for apostrophes, and it isn’t the beginning of a brand new sentence, so the beginning doesn’t need to be capitalized. If you’re trying to emphasize thought, I would recommend italics instead.

“Sammy, it’s not that it’s not listening to you. It just...,” Tommy stopped and chewed his lower lip, “I don’t think it knows how to tackle.”

Sammy snapped his attention back to Caterpie so quickly, he felt a nerve pinch in his neck, but shook it off. “No, that’s not...come on! What the heck? You just...run at it and throw your body at it, bug! It’s simplest attack in the world!” The Caterpie just continued staring back at him. “Run! You’ve got, like, a dozen little legs!” The creature went back to its leaf, seemingly bored with what the boy was telling it.

LOL. I had to try not to laugh out loud for real in class here. I quite like the realisticness of this—a baby pokémon (I assume the Caterpie is young since he’d be evolved already if he wasn’t) not knowing even the simplest of things? Nice. String shot makes sense since that’s a survival tactic, but tackle doesn’t.

Anyway, I quite liked the prologue. The family interaction particularly interests me. I always like seeing how male/male relationships turn out (and I mean platonically or otherwise) simply because so many people try to provide a mix of character genders. It reminds me of Supernatural (especially since one of the brother’s name is Sammy).

The childish imagery and description you provided was also nice. You do a good job of portraying Sammy’s young self without appearing way too young and naïve, as some authors do. Calling pokémon “friends” is a nice touch that specifically helped this childish tone.

The only thing I might have added is description of Tommy and Sammy, especially since they’re main characters and since Sammy daydreams so much. He daydreams so much but yet I can’t imagine what he’s thinking, which isn’t good.

CHAPTER 1

Sam pounded his fist into the too-hard mattress; he was used to having the nightmare by now, but he knew he’d never get used to how it felt waking from it. He briefly considered lying back down, but it was all-too-common that he never fell back to sleep after this nightmare. The disappointment of not being able to do so yet again was too much to bear.

I find it odd that Sammy would want to go back to sleep after having nightmares. As someone who has nightmares almost nightly, I find myself avoiding sleep at all costs, no matter how tired I am. Of course, everyone’s different, but I’d still like to know his reasons. This doesn’t seem important, but lack of sleep can affect his character greatly, so yeah.

As of eight o’clock, Sam had never managed to get any more sleep when his hotel phone rang.

Sometimes, you have wordy sentences like this. As a writer, I feel that you should always try to make your message as clear and concise as possible (unless, of course, you’re trying to be mysterious—but that doesn’t seem to be the case here). I think this would sound better as: It was eight o’clock when his hotel phone rang, and Sam hadn’t gotten anymore sleep. Or something along those lines. Try experimenting with different sentence structures and with using less words and you’ll be okay. I’d also suggest reading your work out loud to be able to point out when things get wordy/confusing.

Customs was clear on the other end of the city--near the condominiums--but traffic was nearly impassable.

Should be “Customs were” since customs is plural.

Like Sidewinder, I like the obvious differences between regions that you add in here. It makes traveling feel more realistic. Description is still fine here, also—you give plenty of little details that bring the story to life (like the Rhydon mascot mention). I also like the kind of sort of cliffhanger at the end—why does Sammy had Vlam? Where’s Tommy and his dad? I have a feeling nothing good is going to happen since doctors were mentioned, but we’ll see. Hmm.

CHAPTER 2

Tommy was down to just Vlam in this four-on-four quaterfinal.

“quarterfinal”

If I’m being honest, I found it kind of jarring that you went from flashback, to present, to flashback. It may have made more sense to have the prologue, then chapter 2, then chapter 1, so that we could see the characters grow rather regress. I hope that makes sense. It was just an odd transition.

The dad’s death also made me feel more sorry for Sammy and Tommy than the dad himself. Other people said that you could have introduced the dad, but I think that it should have been done in the other flashback. You mentioned some things, though now that he died so quickly, more could have been added. Introducing him and trying to interpret him only to see him die a few paragraphs later would have also been jarring. That said, it wasn’t what I was expecting, but it was emotional, suspenseful, and overall nicely written—just a bit fast paced.

CHAPTER 3

Bree was oblivious to all of this, as she had fluttered her way into a corner of the room and was pecking around an overgrown houseplant whose vines were snaking between Rowan’s window blinds. Time and again, she’d dig her head into the heart of the plant only to snap it back out in alarm when its leaves tickled her wings. “There’s no honey in there, Bree,” Sam would say to her as she stared down the plant, her wings stretched wide to make herself appear large. After several seconds, Bree would forget the advice and again dig into it.

I particularly like this section. Often we forget that pokémon do very, uh, pokémon/animal-like things and that they aren’t very similar to humans (I do this a lot in my fic, blah), but you portray their animalistic traits pretty well.

“High regard then from a man who deserved to be held equally high from what I understand.” Rowan removed his red sucker and smoothed his beard with his free hand.

The part “from what I understand” sounded odd to me. That implies that Professor Rowan never really worked with Sammy’s father, but instead just heard about him. I don’t know, it just doesn’t sound like something you’d say about a friend.

I haven’t gone by Sammy in years.

Too bad, I’m calling you Sammy, Sammy.


Anyway, I liked this chapter for its reflection upon life after his dad’s death, and also since the main plot has apparently been introduced. I’m quite interested to see what he wants with the three lake pokémon. I think they’re quite fascinating and have a lot of potential, so I look forward to what you do with them.

CHAPTER 4

Once again, the flashback switching seems kind of out of place to me. Also, you haven’t delved into Tommy and Sammy’s character enough for me to see the changes between then and now. You write well, but the past is odd for me still.

This chapter was most notable for its dialogue, I think. It was adorable; I’ll always be looking forward to Tommy and Sammy’s interactions.

By the way, Barnabus is an awesome name.

Description was fine, and grammar seemed nearly faultless in this chapter—it means you’re improving!

This review is kind of short since class is about to end and I already covered everything I wanted to cover in other chapters, but I’ll be looking forward to more. Add to PM list for real now, please? 8)
 
his brother stuffing mail in their
Should be there.

There’s just no way he could have failed out!
Embedded in a paragraph that is talking about Tommy's academic ability in the past tense, you might want to change this so it fits in better.

Tommy had given his brother a normal life despite their parents both being dead. Sam, in return, gave him a rock.
I get what you're trying to say here, but imo it could be better phrased. It just feels a tad awkward to me.

How old is Sammy in this chapter? The impression I got was that he's about 10-11, but obviously I can be wrong. Thought it was a good chapter though, giving us an impression of how the brothers' bond (pun not entirely intended) has developed since their father died. I also liked the fact that you described how Tommy has changed and how their circumstances changed without info-dumping. Keep up the good writing!
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
Should be there.

Well that one's just embarrassing. :)

How old is Sammy in this chapter? The impression I got was that he's about 10-11, but obviously I can be wrong. Thought it was a good chapter though, giving us an impression of how the brothers' bond (pun not entirely intended) has developed since their father died. I also liked the fact that you described how Tommy has changed and how their circumstances changed without info-dumping. Keep up the good writing!

Sam is 15 here (the same age Tommy was in the Prologue). The math is there, but it's kind of obscure, I guess. Sammy was 10 and Tommy, 15 in the Prologue which was 15 years ago. The last chapter was ten years ago.

And thanks! I will. :)



I also look forward to seeing how Tommy’s impulsive and criticizing self effects Sammy throughout the fic.

THAT actually frightens me that you gleaned that because Sammy is the MUCH more impulsive one. Hmmm.

No need for apostrophes, and it isn’t the beginning of a brand new sentence, so the beginning doesn’t need to be capitalized. If you’re trying to emphasize thought, I would recommend italics instead.

I actually went back-and-forth on how I would indicate Sammy's direct inner monologue. I ended up deciding I would not indicate it directly at (via half-quotations or italics), but I guess I missed that one there. Nuts. :(

Saying “his dad” like that is correctly, though the “dad” after the semi-colon should be capitalized since it’s being referred to as his name. Though in third person, it seems odd to just call him “Dad,” so you could add “his” in there too. You do this a few times throughout the prologue, so I thought I’d point it out at least once.

The narration shifts from a pure third-person attached to occasionally giving us a glimpse of Sammy's direct thought process, hence why there are the bits where it just says "Dad". I had wrestled with whether to capitalize that, and came down on the side of not doing so. But an argument could be made either way.

Anyway, I quite liked the prologue. The family interaction particularly interests me. I always like seeing how male/male relationships turn out (and I mean platonically or otherwise) simply because so many people try to provide a mix of character genders. It reminds me of Supernatural (especially since one of the brother’s name is Sammy).

The main character being named Sam/Sammy is a DIRECT homage to Supernatural. Good pick up. :) And one thing that runs AMAZINGLY consistently in my stories is a male/male partnership. Not shippy relationship stuff, but I love the dynamic. It's so much fun.

Should be “Customs were” since customs is plural.

Yes, but it's actually shorthand for "customs office", so that's actually correct. Sort of like how you would say "Lego come in many colors" instead of "comes" because Lego is shorthand for "Lego blocks". :)

If I’m being honest, I found it kind of jarring that you went from flashback, to present, to flashback. It may have made more sense to have the prologue, then chapter 2, then chapter 1, so that we could see the characters grow rather regress. I hope that makes sense. It was just an odd transition.

Eep. Well, it's going to be going on this way for at least the next several chapters. I like the dynamic of slowly building the Sam/Tommy relationship rather than just gutting it all out right away. I don't know what else to tell ya on this one. ;) Hope you can bear with it!

I particularly like this section. Often we forget that pokémon do very, uh, pokémon/animal-like things and that they aren’t very similar to humans (I do this a lot in my fic, blah), but you portray their animalistic traits pretty well.

I was actually comparing that in my head. In my story, pokemon are very much like really powerful pets. But in your story, there are quite cognizant people. I just think my ways makes them cute. :) And it allows the focus to be on Sam and Tommy and less on the pokemon (Having never done a pokemon story before, I'm more at ease with humans being the lead, obviously).

Thanks to both of you, and I hope you enjoy what is to come!
 
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diamondpearl876

Well-Known Member
I can see Sammy being impulsive. He did run up to Tommy in the middle of a battle and apparently went to Sinnoh out of nowhere, of course. Though Tommy's words are more impulsive. He suggests things like battling RIGHT NOW, and I'm sure failing out of college had a lot to do with impulse with doing something besides attending school.
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
I see that, yes. I was more trying to characterize him as a typical 15-year old, giving his brother a hard time, so I do get that he seemed more impulsive there. Good call on that.



BY THE WAY! For anyone following and/or enjoying this story, stay tuned to Chapter 5 in which we WILL find out why Sam has Vlam and where Tommy is (or isn't...) in the present day.
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Why couldn’t he just pass right through the door like a ghost?

I liked that part quite a bit. It's pretty realistic as I can see myself feeling like that, especially when I'm in a hurry

He had briefly considered getting his cell phone out of his locker between classes, but it wasn’t worth having his whole PokeGear taken away again.

That part stuck out to me as well. I've noticed that you're really adept at describing things that happen in schools. Wether it be electronics taken away, or people being bullied because of their choices, etc. You have a really good handle on the things that would actually go on in a school setting. I like it

“Vlam.” It was the only word that Sam’s brain would release.

That was touching. I like the thought of him trying to please Tommy. He looks up to him, and probably wants to give it to him because of all the responsibility he's taken on since their father's death. It was a really nice sentiment :)

Sam started digging through the pile of coupon periodicals and credit card offers

Nicely done as well. I swear, I get credit card offers daily, and they go straight to the trash

All in all, I really liked the chapter. Tommy's sacrifice for Sammy and their house was really great, and I'm not ashamed to say that this chapter got me slightly emotional. Very well written, and you expressed Tommy's love in a very subtle, yet satisfying way. I really felt like you did a complete turnaround from your earlier chapters, and it really shows. The flashbacks are a nice touch too, although they seem somewhat intentional (which obviously they are since you're writing them), however, spacing them out a bit more might make them feel a little more fluid. One thing that may help as you're writing these flashbacks, is have a certain memory, or item, or action throw Sammy into it, which may make it feel more natural and not so bouncy.

Chapter length got better in this chapter, but it's still leaving me kinda unfufilled. I want more, which is good, but I felt like the chapter ended before it should have. As I read on, I imagined that Sammy would confront Tommy when he got back, or would refuse dinner when Tommy made it, so he could show how commited he was to his schoolwork. Or really anything to continue on the chapter in a way that built on the really great scene that was happening. I'm really liking what I'm seeing so far, I just need more when it comes to each chapter lol

All in all, I enjoyed what you did here. I can tell you're improving. And other than a word or two I would have used differently, I couldn't really find anything I didn't like, besides the things I mentioned. I'm looking forward to reading more. Good Job!
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
I really felt like you did a complete turnaround from your earlier chapters, and it really shows.

I was struck by this line, and I felt compelled to ask what you thought had changed. Not saying I disagree, but I wasn't consciously aware of having changed anything, so I was curious as to what you noticed different so I could keep doing it since you liked it. :)

Wether it be electronics taken away, or people being bullied because of their choices, etc. You have a really good handle on the things that would actually go on in a school setting. I like it

I also especially appreciate your comment about my being in touch with a teenager's life, because one of my two primary stories is a story about kids in high school, and I CONSTANTLY feel like, as an elderly 31 year old man, I'm insanely out-of-touch with actual high school kids. So I certainly like anyone telling me that I'm not. :) Makes me feel good.

The flashbacks are a nice touch too, although they seem somewhat intentional (which obviously they are since you're writing them), however, spacing them out a bit more might make them feel a little more fluid. One thing that may help as you're writing these flashbacks, is have a certain memory, or item, or action throw Sammy into it, which may make it feel more natural and not so bouncy.

I actually completely agree with everything you said there. I've thought about having the linking moment/item between the current flashback and the current present moment, but it just hasn't panned out as well as I want. The Prologue had Caterpie and Vulpix, then chapter 1 showed that Sam now had both. But aside from that, I've not been linking nearly as well as I want. And I think the flashbacks MAY get spaced out a bit more from here out; I just wanted to get those three flashbacks in particular done since they were all so vivid to me. But I will endeavor to do better with them from here-out.

Also, I don't want to leave you feeling out-to-dry. I totally intend to get into Requiem as soon as I can. I am just also trying to catch up to diamondpearl876's story which was several chapters in when I started, too. If I get a lunchbreak today, hopefully I'll be able to read the most recent two chapters of his story, and that puts yours next in queue.
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
I was struck by this line, and I felt compelled to ask what you thought had changed. Not saying I disagree, but I wasn't consciously aware of having changed anything, so I was curious as to what you noticed different so I could keep doing it since you liked it.

To be honest, I really can't explain it. The chapter just felt better organized, more fluid, if that makes sense. If you didn't do anything different, then nvm lol, but I liked it

I also especially appreciate your comment about my being in touch with a teenager's life, because one of my two primary stories is a story about kids in high school, and I CONSTANTLY feel like, as an elderly 31 year old man, I'm insanely out-of-touch with actual high school kids. So I certainly like anyone telling me that I'm not. Makes me feel good.

You're insight is very good and realistic. So for being out of high school for that long and still having an understanding, kudos to you
 

elyvorg

somewhat backwards.
I actually quite like the way the flashbacks work; in fact, to me, they seem less like flashbacks and more like you've just deliberately chosen to tell the story out of chronological order. It gives me the feeling of slowly piecing together everything that happened to the brothers, which I assume is what you were going for, and it does make things more interesting than they'd likely have been if you'd just given us everything chronologically.

I can kind of see where the other reviewers are coming from on them seeming a bit... disconnected, though. It might help if you had more of Sam actively recalling them, perhaps - maybe put a past scene and a present-day scene in the same chapter with some kind of transition between the two. It would be nice to get more of a feeling that all these things that happened to young Sammy have affected and influenced who Sam is today, rather than feeling almost like they're kind of two separate characters - especially as Sam's relationship with his brother, which we've so far only seen in the past scenes, is clearly going to be the driving force for whatever he'll be doing in the present.

I like the way you portrayed Vlam and Bree in the lab's waiting room. Even though Pokémon in this fic are seemingly further towards the animalistic end of the spectrum than in a lot of fics, you still gave them each a distinct personality and I for one found them rather endearing. It's nice how Sam thinks of them as "sisters"; makes sense, seeing as their respective owners are brothers. I was going to point out an issue in the earlier chapters I'd had with the narration calling them "it" despite that Sammy clearly knew their gender and wouldn't be the type to ignore it, but that's been fixed in the more recent chapters.

I also enjoyed the brief snippet of Vlam's battle back in chapter 2. Her strategy with maximising Confuse Ray's effect was clever and more interesting to read than just attacks blasting back and forth, and it did a good job of establishing Tommy as the skilled trainer he's meant to be. While it seems this fic might not have that many battles, as you've said it focuses mostly on the human characters, hopefully any future battles there are will be similarly well-thought-out, especially as Sammy's apparently just as skilled as his brother.

I tend to really love close platonic relationships in fiction, as well as characters who'd do anything for the sake of someone they care about, so I get the impression that I'm going to start enjoying this even more once we get into the real meat of the story. I look forward to learning the answers to those little questions such as when and how Vlam evolved and where Tommy is in the present day, too.
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
By the way...that makes me sound kind of skeevy or something, that I'm writing about high school kids! :D For clarification's sake, these are characters I created when I was 19, and have been perpetually re-working (and re-re-working and re-re-re-working) for the last decade+. They are my babies.
 
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Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
I actually quite like the way the flashbacks work; in fact, to me, they seem less like flashbacks and more like you've just deliberately chosen to tell the story out of chronological order. It gives me the feeling of slowly piecing together everything that happened to the brothers, which I assume is what you were going for, and it does make things more interesting than they'd likely have been if you'd just given us everything chronologically.

That is actually it exactly. You just managed to phrase it more eloquently than I have at this point. :)

I can kind of see where the other reviewers are coming from on them seeming a bit... disconnected, though. It might help if you had more of Sam actively recalling them, perhaps - maybe put a past scene and a present-day scene in the same chapter with some kind of transition between the two. It would be nice to get more of a feeling that all these things that happened to young Sammy have affected and influenced who Sam is today, rather than feeling almost like they're kind of two separate characters - especially as Sam's relationship with his brother, which we've so far only seen in the past scenes, is clearly going to be the driving force for whatever he'll be doing in the present.

This is 100% true, too. I wish I'd been doing a better job with that, as I'd mentioned earlier. I am going to work harder at it going forward, of course. :)

I tend to really love close platonic relationships in fiction, as well as characters who'd do anything for the sake of someone they care about, so I get the impression that I'm going to start enjoying this even more once we get into the real meat of the story. I look forward to learning the answers to those little questions such as when and how Vlam evolved and where Tommy is in the present day, too.

I'm certainly glad you enjoyed what you read, and I look forward to hearing more from you in the future! Sorry for the short replies to what you said, but I'm still at work sneaking some replying in while waiting to hear on my afternoon meetings. Shhh. :)
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
Chapter 5: Present Day

Sam felt less secure in Rowan’s laboratory than he previously had in the lobby. The lab had no windows, only lifeless fluorescent bulbs above him. One, which was not quite in the center of the ceiling but a few feet to the right, flickered continuously since Sam and the professor entered. Amidst all the other lights that glowed flawlessly, this one shouldn’t have bothered anyone; it barely registered in the room that something was off in the lighting, but it still reminded Sam that the light was not natural. The laboratory seemed to be cut off from all signs of life and nature whatsoever, actually. There was no weaving plant here to integrate itself into blinds; to that point, there were no windows to blind there at all. The sterile white walls held no portraits or paintings. The floor was a hard vinyl surface that helped reflect the chill from the air conditioning upwards. Sam yearned for the natural light, hardwood walls, and vegetation of the waiting room as he pondered how a professor who assists in raising young pokemon can operate in such a dead room.

“I’m sorry I asked you to put your pokemon away--what were their names again?”

“Vlam and Bree,” Sam answered, his voice as lifeless as the room. He made no attempt to differentiate which was the Ninetales or the Butterfree. His brain was busy being shuffled back through countless rooms like this one, where he received disheartening word after disheartening word for more than 12 months now. The image of Vlam curling around Rowan’s feet and the hopefulness that her analysis of his character provided felt like they had happened to someone else he might have read about in a story. All he could think of was his rage at useless so-called medical experts. And his brother’s black, emotionless eyes.

“Yes, Vlam and Bree. I’m sorry I asked you to put Vlam and Bree away before coming here. This is where I work on any sick pokemon that come my way. You’ll understand that I need to maintain as germ-free an environment as possible, right?”

Sam nodded, but all he could ponder was how anyone--human or pokemon--could possibly feel better while in this room.

“You seem discomforted here. I apologize, Sam. I merely hoped we could speak in private. Speaking of going after our continent’s legendary pokemon...that is obviously a sensitive matter. I wouldn’t want just anyone to hear you talking like that.”

“I don’t care who hears me, professor,” Sam barked. Rowan’s words had stirred something inside him, and now his spine felt prickly. “I am going to catch them.”

“Now now, son. I can’t imagine how you even think this possible. First of all, no one has seen or documented any proof of the legends in decades,” Rowan stopped there and appeared to be playing with numbers in his head, “possibly centuries! Secondly, you’re hardly the first headstrong young man to come to Sinnoh with designs on capturing them. It’s a countless number of trainers that have failed; how could you think you’ll succeed? And also--”

Sam was tired of his words. Where previously the professor had spoken to him respectfully, possibly even affectionately, his words were now sharpened with the points of lecture. Sam knew he was being scolded, an insolent child who thought himself too big for his britches. “I’m not like the others.”

Rowan’s mouth froze in mid-thought. “How do you feel so?” His words had an air of being rhetorical. He was merely humoring Sam with this question.

Sam shook his head and turned away from the professor. This laboratory was bad enough, but Rowan’s attitude was the same as everyone else’s. The same as dozens of doctors who had no answers for Sam and looked at him like he just grew a second mouth every time he challenged their certainty. He turned away from the professor. “When they came here, why did they do it?”

“Do what?”

Are you following this conversation at all, old man, Sam thought but did not verbalize. “Come for the legends.” Sam turned back and Rowan was stroking his beard.

“To become more powerful, I suppose. Either as trainers or as human beings looking for the secrets of infinite willpower or knowledge.”

“So they came here for themselves?”

“It would make the most sense.”

Sam closed his eyes and thought of a still-charming man confined to a hospital bed, having not spoken a word or moved a muscle in a year’s time. Sam thought of eyes that used to invite you into conversation, and that now were as empty as the vacuum of space. Sam thought of Tommy.

“Well I don’t want the legends, Professor Rowan. I don’t want to train them, I don’t want to battle with them, and I don’t want their secrets. I need them to save my brother’s life. Or give him one back,” his voice began failing with uncertainty. “I don’t know...I don’t know what I need them to do, but I...I need it...”

“Your brother...Tommy.” Rowan’s eyes rolled to the top of his head as if he could see the lightbulb going on there. “I am sorry, I had forgotten you had one. It’s been so long…” He pushed his hands into the pockets of his vest; it reminded Sam of a chided young boy who felt guilty about something. “But I don’t understand. How could the legends help him?”

Sam had steeled himself for having to do this, and so he began his explanation of something that had happened just over a year ago, but had roots much deeper in his past than that. He told the story of Tommy Stark, an amazing young man who thought nothing of raising his younger brother after their father died. Tommy, who sacrificed everything just to make sure that Sam would never want for anything.

A year ago, Tommy's sacrificing for Sam should already have been over. Sam had been a year out of college; he should have been finding a job. But the job market was hard for everyone, so Sam was still living at home. He often wondered if he would move out even if he had his own job. At twenty-four years old, his brother was all he’d ever known. Tommy worked two jobs at that point; he had long-since been promoted to manager position of the Goldenrod Department Store, but he was working part-time at the Pokemon Center, too. Tommy never said it aloud, but Sam knew he missed battling, and working at the Center gave him the chance to be around pokemon and trainers all day. Was Tommy jealous of Sam? Sam was in the World Pokemon League just like Tommy had so briefly been. Was he jealous to see Sam living the life that should have been his? He always seemed so happy, so proud. Sam hated wondering if he himself could ever be so selfless with his life because he feared he’d not like the truth of the answer.

Sam had already had a busy day that evening when he finally arrived home. Leaving Tommy at home to tend to the headache his older brother woke up with, he had spent the morning at the CareerLink working on his resume and finding job listings. He managed to drag himself out to a few places that were looking for entry-level workers. He’d finally given up looking for work that would put his degree in Pokemon Psychology to use, so at that point, anything would have worked. Tommy told him that eventually they’d need counselors at the Pokemon Center, but there were just no openings currently, so Sam wanted something to merely get him through until that day. He barely got out of his last meeting in time to get to his WPL match in the afternoon. Coach William Overton, a lanky older man with too much product in his fiery hair, chewed Sam out for almost missing his check-in time, but all was forgiven when Sam swept his rookie opponent away. After a few customary interviews and the post-match handshake, it had been safe to say the only thing on Sam’s mind was when he would start getting matches on prime-time television.

Tommy had cheered Sam away from such distraction by preparing stuffed porkchops, one of Sam’s favorites, for dinner that evening. Sam remembered their discussion that day about the match and the job-hunting, and how a few times, he saw Tommy shaking his right hand as if he was trying to clear it of invisible spiders. Sam didn’t think much of it at the time, just that his brother must have burned himself on the casserole dish and was flinching in pain. They sat at the table, and Tommy began telling Sam that he thought there was going to be an opening at the Pokemon Center soon. One of the resident pokemon therapists was apparently interviewing in Azaela for a head counselor position, so Sam would have a possible foot in the door in the coming weeks.

After dinner they settled in to watch some other WPL Johto matches--Tommy was always very insistent that Sam study as much of his opponents as possible—and it was then that Sam noticed something: Tommy was trying to describe the methods of one of the trainers they were watching, but his words weren’t coming out right. It was like there was a fog hanging in front of his mouth catching the words as he made them.

“A few seconds after that, he collapsed. He’d suffered a massive stroke,” Sam’s voice felt tiny as he finished relaying the memory to the pokemon professor. “He’s been catatonic ever since.”

Both men were silent for some time after that, and Sam actually appreciated it. As much as it pained him to do so, Sam had relayed this story several times since it happened, and so many times the other person’s reaction has been to saccharine their voices and pull Sam into a hug and tell him what a “poor thing” he is. In contrast to that, he admired what he viewed as reverent silence from Rowan. All good things, as they say, do come to ends, and Rowan broke the space between them.

“I would never make so little of your pain as to say that I know what you’re going through, Sam. My parents both lived full lives, and my sisters are both with me today and have given me beautiful nieces and nephews. What you’ve gone through is awful. But it doesn’t answer the question of why you think the legends can help you.”

“My brother is stuck in a bed, unable to will himself move. He’s forgotten everything about his previous life. And he can’t remember his relationships. Not with Vlam and not with me. Do you see what he’s missing? Willpower, knowledge, and emotion.”

Rowan’s eyes widened. “Son, you’re talking about mythical abilities attributed to legendary pokemon. Not only are we not sure they still exist, but we have no way of knowing if they are truly responsible for such matters.”

“Well what else am I going to do?” Sam’s voice grew large again. “Go see a specialist? Or a homeopathic doctor? Oh wait, I already have! More than I can count. I haven’t found a single human being alive that has an answer for the severity of stroke that Tommy suffered. And if I can’t find a human…”

“It’s…not unheard of. There’s certainly healing abilities in the pokemon kingdom that have proven useful on human conditions. But what you are asking for…what you are expecting…”

“Professor, I’m going to do this. I’m going to at least look for them. I don’t know what else to do. It’s the only shot I have left.”

Again, Rowan was silent. Sam knew he was carefully considering his response. He probably didn’t believe in what Sam needed to do, but perhaps he would at least empathize with it. Finally he replied, “I can’t leave my lab or my offices. I simply have too many people that depend on me. But if this is something you truly want to do, I can send an assistant to guide you around Sinnoh. I will be honest, Sam, I think you’d have a better chance chasing the end of a rainbow; I honestly do. But as a favor to your family, I’ll help you as much as I can within reason.”

It was all Sam could have asked.



I promise in chapter 6, this story is totally going to start actually HAVING pokemon in it instead of just passively talking about pokemon or pokemon-related things.
 
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New chapter = YAY.

Sam yearned for the natural light, hardwood walls, and vegetation of the waiting room as he pondered how a professor who assists in raising young pokemon can operate in such a dead room.

"Can" should be "could". That aside, I really like the comparison you've put in this sentence.

His brain was busy being shuffled back through countless rooms like this one, where he received disheartening word after disheartening word for more than 12 months now.

I thought you built up the suspense until near the end where Sam relates what happened to Tommy very well. It wasn't too informative but very intriguing, particularly when they were discussing the fact that other Trainers only want the Lake Trio for themselves.

A year ago, that should long have been over.

This confuzzled me slightly. Is this implying that the events of the year (aka Tommy being in a coma) have stretched the year out metaphorically so it is longer?

“A few seconds after that, he collapsed. He’d suffered a massive stroke,” Sam’s voice felt tiny as he finished relaying the memory to the pokemon professor. “He’s been catatonic ever since.”

I'm sorry, this was an "Awwww" moment. Although...
Tommy was probably up to something shady, wasn't he? This may be off, but as Sam was so young, if Tommy had to resort to unscrupulous means to keep them afloat 1) he wouldn't have known 2) I wouldn't be surprised.

I'm wondering whether Vlam's evolution was his choice or Sammy's, though. That'll be interesting to find out (assuming you characterise the Pokémon that way - I know not everyone does.)
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
This confuzzled me slightly. Is this implying that the events of the year (aka Tommy being in a coma) have stretched the year out metaphorically so it is longer?

That's one of the things I agree on 100%, but I couldn't figure out how to fix it. I proofread this section twice and BOTH times, I hit that line and even I had to think "Wait, what?" It really is awful. It's SUPPOSED to say that a year ago, Tommy should have been done having to "parent" his younger brother, but you're right...it can read as almost anything else. I need to fix it eventually.

Thanks for the rest of the comments and the speculation (which is always fun). :)
 
That is a really oddly phrased part, I agree. I had a brainstorm just now, and I couldn't find a way around it...did you try rephrasing the paragraphs around it?
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
I just changed it to "A year ago, Tommy's sacrificing for Sam should already have been over.". How's that look?
 
Much better. This is just a suggestion, and sorry if I'm being too picky, but I thought of this:

A year ago, Tommy's sacrificing himself for Sam

What do you think?
 
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diamondpearl876

Well-Known Member
I haven’t read any of your other reviews so sorry if I point things out that were already mentioned.

I quite liked the description at the beginning of the chapter. You did a good job at showing how the room was lifeless rather than just saying “the room was lifeless” and leaving it at that. It was also kind of creepy and very fitting for the setting, I think. The dialogue between Sam and Rowan was also good. Rowan's reactions to Sam's actons were perfectly reasonable and they made sense for his character (or how I imagine his character to be).

“Vlam and Bree,” Sam answered, his voice as lifeless as the room. He made no attempt to differentiate which was the Ninetails or the Butterfree.

Should be “Ninetales”. I’d get in the habit of trying to remember that spelling. I know it can be tricky, but Vlam seems important to the story, so yeah.

His brain was busy being shuffled back through countless rooms like this one, where he received disheartening word after disheartening word for more than 12 months now.

12 should be “twelve”. It’s pretty much an unspoken rule that you should always spell out numbers under one hundred.

I was also going to say that if you read this, having the word “disheartening” appear twice so close in a row kind of ruins the flow, but now that I think about it, I like it, since Sam’s thoughts keep trying to be interrupted. The flow being interrupted represents this in a way.

One of the resident pokemon therapists was apparently interviewing in Azaela for a head counselor position, so Sam would have a possible foot in the door in the coming weeks.

“Azalea”

Anyway… This family just doesn’t have any luck, huh? This chapter certainly resonated with me, especially the part about Tommy having a stroke. When I was 8 my mother had a sudden stroke when I was alone with her, and she was catatonic for an entire year afterward. No one knew what to do, no matter where my father put her. Not the same exact situation, but close enough for me to relate to your story on a very personal level, which is a good way to get to reader’s emotions and have them become attached to your story. I’m sure others can relate with stroke-related incidents as well. Your story also makes me think more about how far we will go to help the ones we love. Even if Sam's actions seem completely irrational or crazy, the intentions are pure, and perhaps that’s what counts the most.

I look forward to more.
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
1) Thanks. I, personally, actually had a lot of fun writing about the room, and I hoped it didn't come across as just meandering around a point. I'm glad you appreciated it.

2) It's so weird that I've been playing Pokemon since 1999 and NEVER noticed that is how it's spelled. I can't believe that. :)

3) It's also odd that I missed that 12 because I've made such a concentrated effort to change every other numeral I accidentally typed out. I wonder how that one slipped by me. Ah well.
3A) I'll have to re-read that and correct it. I hadn't caught that in my readthroughs, which is silly; those thinhs usually REALLY stick out to me.

4) Another word I didn't know how to spell. :p

I'm glad you were able to associate with this chapter, and thanks for the advice. I've actually NOT had any strokes in my family, but I can imagine how awful they must be. I'm truly sorry to hear about your mom. I hope you enjoy the story going forward!
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Took me awhile, but I'm here.

I felt like you did a good job describing Rowan's lab. It made me think that Sam is more accustomed to sleeping outdoors than indoors for some reason. The whole description really stood out for me mainly because you made his discomfort in the room seem very real and believeable. In the last chapter he spoke with so much confidence about finding the three pokemon, but now when you described the room he's in, it's almost like he's unsure of himself. It's funny how something as simple as a room can put someone on edge. Its happened to me a few times before. The room where they have CAT scan machines >.>

To be honest, I had forgotten they were in Goldenrod until you mentioned that Tommy had been promoted at the department store. As you described the interviews, WPL, CareerLink, I found myself wanting to know more about Goldenrod. What do the buildings look like, is it crowded, what's the weather like? I know that Goldenrod is just a byproduct of the story, but for me it would help to get a little bit of a clearer picture of what's happening if I could picture the setting better. I know at this point in the story you're just telling what happens to Tommy and there's not really alot of room for description, but that's just one thing that stuck out for me.

have burned himself on the casserole dish and was flinching in pain.

I felt like that sentence would have been better if you had put 'dealing' with the pain instead of 'flinching'. To me, flinching implies a sudden, full or partial body spastic movement. I see what you were trying to say about Tommy's hand shaking, but it just read kinda odd to me.

Nicely done on the ending, I knew there was a reason I liked Rowan, lol. Plot is starting to shape up, and I can say I'm eager to see where you take it. I was never a big fan of Sinnoh, but after reading this chapter I went to Bulbapedia and read up on those three legendaries to refresh my knowledge on them. I think you did a good job fitting them into the story with regards to Sam's approach to think of a way to help his brother.

I promise in chapter 6, this story is totally going to start actually HAVING pokemon in it instead of just passively talking about pokemon or pokemon-related things.

I see what you're saying here, but I don't think that you should feel that way completely. Obviously, Pokemon are an integral part of Pokemon Fanfiction, but going for stretches where they are only mentioned is not a bad thing. Pokefiction usually involves humans as well as Pokemon, and taking stretches where they dont play such an important role is never really a bad thing. Obviously you know the direction your story is going, and I DO look forward to seeing more Pokemon, but having the focus on humans and their struggles, etc, is really helpful as well. I'm sure you know that, but I felt like mentioning it.

Good job!
 
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