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Brothers' Bond (PG-13)

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
To be honest, I had forgotten they were in Goldenrod until you mentioned that Tommy had been promoted at the department store. As you described the interviews, WPL, CareerLink, I found myself wanting to know more about Goldenrod. What do the buildings look like, is it crowded, what's the weather like? I know that Goldenrod is just a byproduct of the story, but for me it would help to get a little bit of a clearer picture of what's happening if I could picture the setting better. I know at this point in the story you're just telling what happens to Tommy and there's not really alot of room for description, but that's just one thing that stuck out for me.

I had mentioned in passing in Chapter 1 that Sam was struck by the similarities between Goldenrod and Jubilife, but yeah...beyond describing Jubilife, I haven't touched on Goldenrod much. Good call. I feel like I've mentioned Goldenrod several times throughout the story, though (it was the city university where the brothers' dad worked; it was Sam and Tommy's high school), but if I haven't made those comments memorable enough, that's bad on me.

Nicely done on the ending, I knew there was a reason I liked Rowan, lol. Plot is starting to shape up, and I can say I'm eager to see where you take it. I was never a big fan of Sinnoh, but after reading this chapter I went to Bulbapedia and read up on those three legendaries to refresh my knowledge on them. I think you did a good job fitting them into the story with regards to Sam's approach to think of a way to help his brother

I was one of those odd people that LOVED Gen4, but I know what you mean. I have a whole browser window open at home with tabs dedicated to Rowan, Uxie, Azelf, Mesprit, Sinnoh, and some other things. And I'm glad you liked my Rowan.

I see what you're saying here, but I don't think that you should feel that way completely. Obviously, Pokemon are an integral part of Pokemon Fanfiction, but going for stretches where they are only mentioned is not a bad thing. Pokefiction usually involves humans as well as Pokemon, and taking stretches where they dont play such an important role is never really a bad thing. Obviously you know the direction your story is going, and I DO look forward to seeing more Pokemon, but having the focus on humans and their struggles, etc, is really helpful as well. I'm sure you know that, but I felt like mentioning it.

I'm worried about striking a balance between this story not having enough pokemon or pokemon battles and not feeling like I'm shoe-horning that stuff in. I don't want to do anything the story doesn't call for, but I also realize I just went two chapters where no pokemon was ever actually involved. And, to be honest, I have absolutely adored writing Vlam and Bree so far, so I do look forward to doing more of that. But having never written a pokefiction story before, my natural inclination is for it to be based around the humans. So I'm going to keep trying to walk that line between underusing them and forcing them in where they aren't needed.

Thanks for the thoughts!
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Damn. I get it when every grammar mistake is pointed out. And there weren't much so I commend you on that. Anyway, much like sidewinder, I saw your post in the review exchange and thought we might be able to, well, exchange. The story is very interesting and the way it is organized is something I haven't seen done, let alone this well. The plot appears to be moving at a reasonable pace. It's not too slow and you're not rushing it. I know that I sometimes tend to struggle in that area.

I'm not too sure how I feel about your characters because, well they have no faults. The brothers are excellent battlers and both top of their class. They seem very Gary Stuish in that respect. Also, why don't they go on a journey through a region collecting badges, ribbons, symbols, or whatever else there is? Does this story take place in a time where badge collecting and the like are outlawed? Surely they would be much stronger if they went on a journey since they would encounter many different types of trainers and challenges.

I do like the story, but as with every fic, there is room for improvement. I'll definitely be checking back for the next chapter. Until next time.
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
Damn. I get it when every grammar mistake is pointed out. And there weren't much so I commend you on that.

Honestly, I'm not super concerned with that, anyway. I have a degree in English Writing. My grammar is fine, it's just my typing that is lazy and poor. :) So I don't really need grammar lessons as much as I just need someone to occasionally point out what I mistyped. :) Which, admittedly, happens more than it should, heh.

Anyway, much like sidewinder, I saw your post in the review exchange and thought we might be able to, well, exchange.

I can try that. Sidewinder's story was already 9 chapters in when I got it, so I've been reviewing it one chapter per day on my lunchbreaks. Yours is even further in, but I may forego doing chapter-by-chapter breakdown and just do a summary until the new chapters come out (not unlike what you just did for me). It still might take me a few days to get through it, but I promise I will.

I'm not too sure how I feel about your characters because, well they have no faults. The brothers are excellent battlers and both top of their class. They seem very Gary Stuish in that respect.

I can see that correlation with Tommy, sure, but my only defense here is that battling hasn't mattered much in the story. It's basically a character story that also has pokemon. And to show how much Sam looks up to Tommy, it makes sense that Tommy should be good. But I don't see either of them being great battlers. In a world where I envision that pokemon battling is akin to the NFL (or soccer or the NBA or what have you), they've just been described as being good locally. They were good at their school; they were good in local competition. There are a lot of basketball players who were great in high school and maybe in a minor league, but they weren't superstars or building a career out of it. Not that I'm dismissing your claim: Tommy has really been a flawless character as we've seen him through the eyes of his brother who idolizes him, and even through that lens, I've thought the same thing: that he's too pristine. I'm going to have to do more with that in the flashbacks if I can. But Sam has been demanding, impetuous, and self-important. He's grown up from his youth, but I wouldn't call him faultless.

Also, why don't they go on a journey through a region collecting badges, ribbons, symbols, or whatever else there is? Does this story take place in a time where badge collecting and the like are outlawed? Surely they would be much stronger if they went on a journey since they would encounter many different types of trainers and challenges.

Basically a reiteration of what I said in my last paragraph, I always saw a pokemon-based world as being more like the NFL. With high school, collegiate, minor-league, and professional levels. I think it would quickly organize into something more money-based and entertainment-driven. But that's just my vision here. The point of the story isn't really "go around, collect the badges, become a champ", so having gyms or having a league isn't a big deal. Yet. Who knows which way the story will end up taking me, though? :)
 

Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
I would normally go through and respond to individual quotes, but I'm on my iPod right now. An English degree? Good job I say. There were very minor mistypes such as "an" being in the wrong place. Other than that I couldn't spot anything. It's an interesting take on it and like I said I will be back for more. Good luck with the story.
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
Chapter 6: Present Day

The newly caught Shinx bounced happily at its trainer’s left side. Occasionally Bree would float down to it and let out a sharp chirp, and the Shinx would reply by rearing up on its stubby hindlegs and swatting up at the Butterfree. Bree was too quick, however, and would always flap herself just out of reach. The Shinx would let out a few yips to let it know it wanted the butterfly pokemon to come lower so they could play together. On Sam’s right side, Vlam kept up with her trainer’s gait and ignored the other two more childish pokemon.

Sam couldn’t rationalize in his head why he felt compelled to capture the Shinx. He had already left most of his friends behind, in the comfort of neighbors and friends who pitied Sam and were happy to do what they could while he did what he had to do. Secretly, he suspected they all thought he was losing his mind, so perhaps they felt they were doing right by the pokemon to keep them out of their trainer’s mad hands. Whatever the reason, he left many of them behind and had decided only on bringing the two. Waiting two weeks for customs to clear just Vlam and Bree could have turned into an indeterminable wait if he had brought even more of his friends, and besides that, it felt right to just bring the Ninetales and Butterfree. But if that was the case, he wondered, why stop in the woods to catch the black and blue creature? Sam looked over to his left at Bree, then in the other direction to gaze at Vlam. When Sam had encountered the Shinx, it was in a forest where everything else that crossed his path fled at the sight of him. Starly and Bidoof zipped off into the high branches of their trees when alerted to Sam’s presence. But when he saw this underfed Shinx, it barely registered Sam’s existence. It had its head buried in a berry bush, live electric sparks snapping off of its tail as it crunched away. It had a small torso yearning to be filled with food, and it was not giving up its treasure no matter who was there...just like another friend he caught one day, Sam realized as Bree buzzed about his head. Was that all there was to it? He stood back and watched the Shinx trying to match Vlam’s pace on its much scrawnier and stubbier four legs. It was disinterested in Bree now, and yelped in the deepest voice Sam imagined it could muster at Tommy’s Ninetales. The elder pokemon refused to turn its head back in acknowledgment, but Sam saw her lightly flick her tail around to keep the Shinx interested. It felt good to be standing still while he watched them; he had taken a rental car to the end of the main roads, but since then he’d been walking for hours through these woods. The tall trees kept the sun off of him, and he realized, now that he was relaxing, just how sweaty he’d become. The Shinx was now swatting Vlam’s paws and barking back-and-forth, from Vlam to Bree; sparks were radiating from its tail just as it had been when he came across it. It dawned on Sam that the Shinx thought that Vlam was not aware of the Butterfree’s presence and was now trying to alert her. The name Chispa came to his mind; it seemed to suit the little girl.

When Sam had woken up that morning in Professor Rowan’s guest bedroom, the professor told him that the assistant who would be helping Sam was already at Lake Verity. Apparently the assistant lived near to the lake and received word from Rowan to go there over night. Rowan had also been kind enough to set Sam up with a rental car. Sam asked what he owed for it, but Rowan waved him off. Sam indulged in an omelette and sausage and a warm shower after seeing the car; for the first time since arriving in Sinnoh, Sam did not feel rushed. He hadn’t realized how many meals he’d ignored lately not because he didn’t have the time, but because his mind was too burdened to think of regular sustenance. Everything seemed so imminent all of the sudden. Sam would soon find out the car was packed with tents and food and other necessities. He was taken aback by the professor’s generosity, and asked if Rowan had any final advice for him.

“Life is full of changes of plans.”

Those were the words Rowan had left him with late in the morning. The drive down Route 201 wasn’t terrible; it took Sam only two hours, and the weather just off of the Sandgem beach was impeccable. But where the road ended, the Verity Forest began. Sam had expected to meet the assistant there, but there was no sign of anyone. A quick call to Rowan confirmed that the assistant had already made it to the lakefront, but not to worry because the lake was a straight shot through the woods. Ninety minutes later, Sam was wondering just how much of a shot Rowan was talking about. The path was clear enough, and Sam did not doubt he was making his way there, but an endless expanse of trees gave no hint that a lake was before him. Starly who saw him called out in song to the rest of the forest, warning them to flee from possible predators. It was the only sign of life in the forest aside from when he’d encountered Chispa. The Shinx was nice, sure, but she wasn’t the Mesprit he’d come here to catch.

Mesprit, the Being of Emotion, as it was called in legend, was rumored to be a unique psychic type pokemon that had resided at Lake Verity for centuries. The stories were that when it and its brothers were hatched from a single egg, their mere existences gave human beings abilities that they had previously lacked. Mesprit found that it could fly above the world using its vast mental powers, and when it did so, it awakened base emotions in humanity. For the first time, parents loved their children and rivals hated each other and people mourned the loss of family and friends. Sam thought of Tommy’s eyes that were no longer capable of even recognizing his own brother. Changes of plans, Sam thought, were simply not on the menu. Sam would find Mesprit and he would restore his brother. That was all there was to it.

“Halt! These are my woods, and if you want to pass, you’ll have to battle me!”

Sam had been so entranced in the thought of having Mesprit’s gifts bring Tommy back, he had allowed himself to be come upon from behind. He turned to see a teenage boy--not quite yet an adult--with wild blonde hair curling upwards on either side of his head. Fiery orange eyes stared into Sam’s, and the young man flung the arms of his scarf back dramatically. The weather certainly was not calling for a scarf, so Sam thought the boy must have been wearing it ironically. Shinx clawed at Sam‘s leg, clearly startled at the boy‘s booming voice, and even Vlam‘s tails had stiffened at the sound of it.

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t play dumb. You heard me. Battle me for the rights to walk in my woods!”

It was the silliest thing Sam had ever heard. The woods were apparently endless, and this kid just haphazardly decided he owned them?

“Look, I’m just looking for something. I really don’t--”

“You can use those three jokes for pokemon if you want, buddy.”

It would take more than that to insult Sam or get his ire up. “Get lost. Seriously.”

“Like you already are?”

“I know where I’m going. I’m following a path.”

“You know where you’re going. Right. That’s why you missed the turn about 15 minutes ago that would have put you right out on the lake.”

Sam was confused. At first that he had somehow missed an apparently obvious turn, but then at the fact that this boy knew he was trying to find the lake. “Wait...how did--”

“How did I know you were looking for the lake? Yeah, like I’d be such a good assistant to Professor Rowan if I wasn’t out here waiting for some dumb foreigner to miss his turn.”

“Assistant?”

“Yeah. You’re late, by the way. I’ve been here all day. Just for that, I’m fining you a million bucks!”

No way, Sam thought. There’s no way Rowan was working with some overeager brat like this. Was there?

“Yeah, I’m the assistant, knucklehead,” the boy replied as if reading Sam’s mind. “Name’s Barry, and I hear you’re the fool who thinks he can catch one of our legends.”

Sam made a mental note to talk to Rowan about the professionalism of his staff. He then made another one to talk to him about child labor laws. “How old are you, kid?”

“Old enough to beat your sorry butt in a battle!”

Sam groaned. Just talking to this kid felt like running a marathon. He wished he was back to being alone and lost. “Okay, I’m sorry I called you ‘kid’. How old are you, Barry?”

Barry straightened his posture, and tightened his scarf. “I’m sixteen.”

“Is that old enough to have some kind of internship with an established professor?”

“If you’re concerned that I’m not up to your standards, don’t. I’ve worked with Professor Rowan for years. He gave me my first pokemon! And I’ve helped him out of some jams.”

“What kind--”

“Anyway, the turn you missed is back here a ways. I uprooted some bushes and used them to cover it up. I thought it’d be funny to watch you wander on past it.”

Sam wanted to have Vlam set this kid on fire. It was suddenly the only thing he’d ever wanted in his life.

“Come on,” Barry continued, “I got a camp set up at the lakefront and everything. We can catch up on how much more awesome than you I am there.”

Vlam, use flamethrower. Those words tasted better in Sam’s mouth than any cake he’d ever eaten. But he swallowed them and followed the teen. Barry had fallen wordless on the way back to the missed path; he simply hummed to himself. Sam also remained quiet, but it was simply out of fear that if he opened his mouth it could only be to make his team attack the young assistant. When Barry revealed the missing ‘path’, Sam understood how he missed it: there was no way to possibly discern it! Barry must have torn up a dozen shrubs and planted them back right on the cleared walkway. What the heck was wrong with this kid? Just as gleefully as he must have placed the plants there, the youth knocked them all back out of the way.

“It’s just about half a mile this way,” Barry announced after revealing the path.

As they followed the path, Sam found himself oddly impressed by the young assistant’s stride. It was very upright and very swift. Even though Sam was older and taller (not that much older, Sam thought before reassuring himself that he was in his physical prime as a man in his mid-twenties), he was having a hard time keeping up with it. There was a cockiness to the way Barry moved, as if nothing could be as important as what he’d set his mind to. Sam wondered if Barry would even have noticed something as mundane as a Shinx too caught up in its meal to acknowledge that it should be afraid of him. Noticing Chispa’s failing attempt to keep up with him keeping up with his new partner, Sam withdrew his friends into their portable homes. They didn’t need any more insults from this kid, anyway.

The lake was far bigger than Sam had imagined. He could see the other side, but it was quite a distance away and nothing distinguishable could be made out, and the length was enormous, as well. The eastern side actually disappeared into the woods, so Sam had no idea how much further that way went. Sam was not sure what he imagined would be here; perhaps a giant cave? Or a totem? Or just Mesprit itself floating above the water? But there was no sign of anything. There was a brief shoreline covered in branches and leaves, a calm lake, and then a far off opposite shore. Sam’s heart sunk in his chest; where did he go from here? The lake was unaffected by Sam’s heartbreak; calm water licked the shoreline as it was brushed in gently by the breeze between the trees. Sam could see minnows dancing in the shallowness by the shore. He glanced away from the water itself; maybe it was a red herring, he thought, so he looked all around at the trees and the shoreline. There had to be some kind of clue; some way to draw Mesprit out.

“All right, what’s the plan, man?”

The words bounced off the interior of Sam’s skull. Initially, he planned to stay at the lake as long as it took to find Mesprit. But now with this impatient child with him, would that still even be an option?

“Well, we just got here. First things first, we’ll need to get my things out of my car and ready for the night. After that, obviously I need to explore the circumference of the lake. From there I’ll need to examine the surrounding area. I need to get some kind of idea as to what draws it out and how. We’ll move forward with catching it from there.” Sam hoped the confidence he was trying to project with his voice was there. Barry agreed--whether because of the confidence of because he was just agreeable--and they began to unpack for the evening. Night arrived faster than Sam had expected after getting all of his supplies out and integrated with Barry’s, and he still had no solution to the riddle of Lake Verity other than this idea of simply looking around. He thought that a fresh day might give him renewed perspective on how to progress from here, and Barry agreed.


Tommy sat in his hospital bed with his sunken face leaning down, chin resting on his sternum. Sam tried to speak to him, but his voice was gone. The hospital room was black except for the light over Tommy’s bed, and Sam could hear none of the telltale signs of being in a hospital. There were no machines humming, no nurses ordering medications, no other patients talking to each other. It was just Sam and Tommy and this dark room. The silence suffocated Sam, but no matter how much he tried to call out to his brother, his vocal cords refused to obey him. When Sam tried reached out to take his brother’s hand, Tommy’s bed glided away from him. He slammed his fist down on the end of the railing near Tommy’s feet in anger at his own impotence, and his older brother’s head jumped. Sam leapt back with a start; had Tommy moved on his own, or had the force of the slam jarred it? He reached again for his brother, and this time the bed stayed in place, allowing Sam to stroke Tommy’s chin.

Tommy’s hand shot up and grabbed Sam’s arm. Sam yelped twice: once in surprise at Tommy’s reaction, and again when his older brother twisted the arm away from his chin. “Tommy, please!” Sam shouted, his throat finally back in control. “It’s me, Sam!”

Tommy’s face lifted to meet Sam’s; his eyes were solid black and his mouth was wretched into a scowl. As their eyes met, Tommy pulled himself out of the hospital bed. This caused Sam to fall backwards onto his rear and try to crawl away from his approaching brother. “You,” Tommy said. “Sam. You.” Sam’s arms pushed him back as rapidly as they could, but his previously crippled brother was gaining on him. “You did this.” Even worse than the accusations of his brother was the sudden beeping sound of Tommy’s hospital bed; a beeping that was growing in volume...

Sam’s eyes opened to find the beeping permeated his reality, as well. No, he thought, the beeping was real to begin with, and it had crawled into his nightmare. The next thought he had was that Barry was not only wide awake, but he was standing upright, staring across the water. As Sam regained more of his bearings in the awakened world, his ears let him know the sound seemed to be coming from the direction Barry was looking.

“What is that sound?”

Barry shook his head, but never removed his gaze from past the lake. “I don’t know.”
 
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Shadow Lucario

Lone Vanguard
Whoa. Now that's a chapter. I very much enjoyed it, especially your portrayal of Barry. It was spot on and refreshing to see someone other than the main character used as the assistant. Your description improved a great deal in such a short period of time. I love when you describe the lake. It has to be my favorite part. The only mistakes were cases of typing too fast. When wondering where Mespirit is you put gave instead of cave. Other than the few minor errors it was a great chapter. Until next time.
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
Whoa. Now that's a chapter. I very much enjoyed it, especially your portrayal of Barry. It was spot on and refreshing to see someone other than the main character used as the assistant. Your description improved a great deal in such a short period of time. I love when you describe the lake. It has to be my favorite part. The only mistakes were cases of typing too fast. When wondering where Mespirit is you put gave instead of cave. Other than the few minor errors it was a great chapter. Until next time.

You really liked the lake description? Not that I'm going to tell you not to be, but I wasn't entirely happy with that scene. It felt like I ran out of things to say about water even more quickly than I thought I would. :D And I am glad using Barry isn't too stereotypical; having never taken any part in pokefiction into find this forum, I had no idea whether it would be or not. Either way, shortly after realizing I wanted this story to be in Sinnoh, I knew I had to use Barry. He seems like a lot of fun, so hopefully I do him justice. And thanks for the heads-up on "gave". Got that fixed. Damn inattentive blindness!
 

Bulba the Great!

We Do Not Sow
I'm new to this fic and I've only read the first chapter, but it's absolutely fantastic. Seriously. The chapter length, character description, everything is perfect. I really like the way you described Caterpie, and I already have a pretty good sense of who Sammy is from the get-go. Nice use of familial expectations. I look forward to catching up so I can actually try to give critical feedback!
 

diamondpearl876

Well-Known Member
It felt good to be standing still while he watched them; he had taken a rental car to the end of the main roads, but since then he’d been walking for hours through these woods. The tall trees kept the sun off of him, and he realized now that he was relaxing just how sweaty he’d become.

I think at the end there, you meant to only put JUST "relaxing" OR "how sweaty he'd become", not both. Also, the paragraph that this section in is unbelievably huge. Readers could be turned off by large blocks of text like this, so I would separate it into shorter paragraphs if possible.

Sam indulged in an omelette and sausage and a warm shower after seeing the car; for the first time since arriving in Sinnoh, Sam did not feel rushed. He hadn’t realized how many meals he’d ignored lately not because he didn’t have the time, but because his mind was too burdened to think of regular sustenance. Everything seemed so imminent all of the sudden.

I like sections like this where readers can subtly infer that Sam may indeed be going a little crazy, or at least a little obsessive about his newfound mission. It also adds a lot to his character, since seeing how someone handles tough situations can really define them. Good job, I like it.

Changes of plans, Sam thought, were simply not on the menu. Sam would find Mesprit and he would restore his brother. That was all there was to it.

“Halt! These are my woods, and if you want to pass, you’ll have to battle me!”

This seemed a little abrupt. There was poor transitioning here. At first Sam is thinking about Rowan, and then all of a sudden someone is in his way? You say shortly after that Sam was lost in his thoughts, but the tone of the piece doesn't really show any element of surprise or anything. A simple mention of "suddenly Sam heard footsteps or heard a voice" before the actual dialogue might have made it flow a little bit smoother.

I also liked the Shinx's capture. It seems random, but I think it shows how lonely Sam is becoming. His only companions are Vlam and Bree, both of whom probably remind him of his lost family. Someone new and fresh in his life seems important... and I look forward to seeing what you have planned for the Shinx.

My biggest complaint about this chapter is that it almost readers like a summary. You really only tell what happens to Sam on the beginning of his journey here. I would have liked to see each scene fleshed out in more detail... It seemed as if you were breezing over supposedly non-important parts only to get to the important scenes (aka the ones involving the three lake pokemon). The scene with Barry was good but the rest made me want more. This can be really dangerous since you're going to lack any subplots and such, and therefore you'll be missing a lot of opportunities to flesh out your characters.

I'll look forward to what you have planned next. Seems there's some potential important characters coming up, and the nightmare about Tommy and the cliffhanger was used effectively. :)
 

Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Finally here, sorry it took so long.

The first thing I noticd was the huge block of text in the beginning of this chapter. it's not incorrect that it's there because it's all about the newly captured Shinx (who's one of my favorite Sinnoh Pokemon BTW), but I found myself losing my place several times. Obviously you're going to have paragraph's that are longer than others, but this one just seemed a little bit excessive. You can split that paragraph in two, and make it alot easier to read. It makes it easier for your regular readers to get through, and new readers as well.

I agree with diamondpearl that meet Barry was a little quick for my taste. An easier lead up like suspecting that someone was nearby, or seeing footprints, etc, would have been a little bit easier. To be completely honest, Barry kind of annoys me. His attitude is somewhat childish, which doesnt really match up with him being such a young assistant. Obviously he got to that point by being brilliant and good at his job, and from what you've made me think of Rowan, his age wouldnt really matter. But Rowan really does seem like he has a low tolerance for behavoir like this. It goes both ways though, as even though I don't like Barry, I quite liked the interractions he had with Sam.

“Yeah. You’re late, by the way. I’ve been here all day. Just for that, I’m fining you a million bucks!”

That's an example of what I'm talking about. I like the in your face personality, but I dislike the thing he's saying. Either way, I look forward to more dialogue between Sam and Barry.

I liked the length of this chapter better as well. I didn't put it in a word processor to measure it up against previous chapters, but it read really well. I'm still wanting more though when it comes to length. I want to have so much in the chapter that I have to stop and take notes as I'm reading instead of being able to remember my points as I read. If that makes sense.

The cliffhanger at the end was a really nice touch. I actually have no theory as to what it might be, besides Mespirit of course. Maybe Barry and Sam are in the territory of some water Pokemon by chance? Either way, I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Keep up the good work ;)
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
I'm new to this fic and I've only read the first chapter, but it's absolutely fantastic. Seriously. The chapter length, character description, everything is perfect. I really like the way you described Caterpie, and I already have a pretty good sense of who Sammy is from the get-go. Nice use of familial expectations. I look forward to catching up so I can actually try to give critical feedback!

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I hope you continue to do so!

I think at the end there, you meant to only put JUST "relaxing" OR "how sweaty he'd become", not both. Also, the paragraph that this section in is unbelievably huge. Readers could be turned off by large blocks of text like this, so I would separate it into shorter paragraphs if possible.

Actually, the "now that he was relaxing" should either have been put off by commas or put at the beginning of the sentence. It's a tad unwieldy the way it is, and I'm going to edit that part to the beginning.

As for the length of that paragraph, Sidewinder said the same thing, and I have to admit, I'm not seeing that. Actually, I purposely wrote a larger paragraph because I so often write short paragraphs that I feel like I could always embellish on. When I'm constantly writing short paragraphs, I feel like I have A.D.D. or something. :) Like "Why can't I find more to say here?" I feel like it's better writing if I can flesh out paragraphs, but if you don't want to read it, I'll see what I can do going forward.


This seemed a little abrupt. There was poor transitioning here. At first Sam is thinking about Rowan, and then all of a sudden someone is in his way? You say shortly after that Sam was lost in his thoughts, but the tone of the piece doesn't really show any element of surprise or anything. A simple mention of "suddenly Sam heard footsteps or heard a voice" before the actual dialogue might have made it flow a little bit smoother.

More defending myself here (because, honestly dammit, I really liked this chapter), I don't see a problem here at all, and once again both you and Sidewinder said the same thing. The narration was attached to Sam, and Sam did not see or hear anything, so...suddenly someone was there. If the narrator mentioned that there was someone coming up behind Sam, that would take me out of the consistent narrator who is limited to just Sam. The only mistake I might have made, and I can tell I did by what you just said, is that Barry was BEHIND Sam, not in front of him. Sam passed the path, and Barry followed him from that point before finally surprising him. Perhaps I should have been more direct there. I mean, it follows: in real life, sometimes people sneak up on you, and you don't know they are there. And actually, surprise dialogue (I just made that term up) is something I have always done a lot of in my writing. Someone is unaware or lost in thought, and then--BAM!--someone's there.


My biggest complaint about this chapter is that it almost readers like a summary. You really only tell what happens to Sam on the beginning of his journey here. I would have liked to see each scene fleshed out in more detail... It seemed as if you were breezing over supposedly non-important parts only to get to the important scenes (aka the ones involving the three lake pokemon). The scene with Barry was good but the rest made me want more. This can be really dangerous since you're going to lack any subplots and such, and therefore you'll be missing a lot of opportunities to flesh out your characters.

I think, in my defense, this was a case of "Sam eating his omelette" wasn't going to further the plot in any meaningful way, so it was better just to say that it happened. I could have had a whole extra chapter of Sam waking up and eating breakfast, but at this point, I've established Sam and his relationship with Rowan, so where else could I go there other than shoe-horning something in that isn't needed there? I also feel like I meandered on enough just getting to THIS point (there were already two chapters of Sam sitting around talking to Rowan; a third felt extraneous). But still, it's honestly a duly noted point, and I will keep it in mind going forward.

Finally here, sorry it took so long.

The first thing I noticd was the huge block of text in the beginning of this chapter. it's not incorrect that it's there because it's all about the newly captured Shinx (who's one of my favorite Sinnoh Pokemon BTW), but I found myself losing my place several times. Obviously you're going to have paragraph's that are longer than others, but this one just seemed a little bit excessive. You can split that paragraph in two, and make it alot easier to read. It makes it easier for your regular readers to get through, and new readers as well.

As I noted up there to diamondpearl, I'm actually surprised this is a point of contention. But I said everything I needed to say up there, so I'll keep the comments from both of you in mind and move on.

I agree with diamondpearl that meet Barry was a little quick for my taste. An easier lead up like suspecting that someone was nearby, or seeing footprints, etc, would have been a little bit easier. To be completely honest, Barry kind of annoys me. His attitude is somewhat childish, which doesnt really match up with him being such a young assistant. Obviously he got to that point by being brilliant and good at his job, and from what you've made me think of Rowan, his age wouldnt really matter. But Rowan really does seem like he has a low tolerance for behavoir like this. It goes both ways though, as even though I don't like Barry, I quite liked the interractions he had with Sam.

I covered this in my reply to diamondpearl, too. My premise is, you know, this is Sam Stark. Not Batman. :) I've never personally really noticed footprints when I've been out walking in the woods.

As for Barry, yeah, he's kind of an impulsive jerk, but he is also, yes, very good at what he does. He's basically Barry from the D/P/Pl games, but a few years older and better at what he does. And the line you didn't like, that's basically my homage to what he actually says in the game. :) But not everyone's going to like every character, do I'll accept that. I think you'll like him more as the story goes on. But he IS a teenager.


I liked the length of this chapter better as well. I didn't put it in a word processor to measure it up against previous chapters, but it read really well. I'm still wanting more though when it comes to length. I want to have so much in the chapter that I have to stop and take notes as I'm reading instead of being able to remember my points as I read. If that makes sense.

This was longer, yes, and while I agree that previous chapters that were just a bit over 2 pages were probably two short, I tend to look at huge chapters in the same manner that you and diamondpearl noted that you looked at my single long paragraph here. I have always had a tendency towards shorter, quick-hitting chapters, and, like I mentioned with stretching out that one paragraph to give myself exercise in doing so, I could probably stand to lengthen my chapters a tad. I just feel like chapters that are more than 5 or 6 pages are a bit tedious to read. Though, granted, short chapters read better when the whole story is put together and read worse when being posted chapter-by-chapter. Something else to keep in mind as I go on.
 
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diamondpearl876

Well-Known Member
Actually, the "now that he was relaxing" should either have been put off by commas or put at the beginning of the sentence. It's a tad unwieldy the way it is, and I'm going to edit that part to the beginning.

Fair enough.

As for the length of that paragraph, Sidewinder said the same thing, and I have to admit, I'm not seeing that. Actually, I purposely wrote a larger paragraph because I so often write short paragraphs that I feel like I could always embellish on. When I'm constantly writing short paragraphs, I feel like I have A.D.D. or something. :) Like "Why can't I find more to say here?" I feel like it's better writing if I can flesh out paragraphs, but if you don't want to read it, I'll see what I can do going forward.

It really isn't about the length of the paragraphs so much as it is the content of them. As long as you say what you need to say, then you can move on.

Also, I'm sure you know that you should start a new paragraph every time a new idea is presented, and I believe that paragraph I pointed out focused on way too much at once. You could have separated some of the parts and still have gotten the job done.

More defending myself here (because, honestly dammit, I really liked this chapter), I don't see a problem here at all, and once again both you and Sidewinder said the same thing. The narration was attached to Sam, and Sam did not see or hear anything, so...suddenly someone was there. If the narrator mentioned that there was someone coming up behind Sam, that would take me out of the consistent narrator who is limited to just Sam. The only mistake I might have made, and I can tell I did by what you just said, is that Barry was BEHIND Sam, not in front of him. Sam passed the path, and Barry followed him from that point before finally surprising him. Perhaps I should have been more direct there. I mean, it follows: in real life, sometimes people sneak up on you, and you don't know they are there. And actually, surprise dialogue (I just made that term up) is something I have always done a lot of in my writing. Someone is unaware or lost in thought, and then--BAM!--someone's there.

Don't get me wrong, I liked this chapter too, since Barry's scenes were incredibly well written and realistic. I just pointed out things that seemed iffy to me to try to help you.

And fair enough then if the narration is third person limited. I was under the impression that it was third person omniscient (in which case you could have added something about Barry sneaking up on Sam) since I believe we've been told about Tommy's thoughts before, and/or things Sam might not have known at the time of the narration. Perhaps I remembered wrong.

I think, in my defense, this was a case of "Sam eating his omelette" wasn't going to further the plot in any meaningful way, so it was better just to say that it happened. I could have had a whole extra chapter of Sam waking up and eating breakfast, but at this point, I've established Sam and his relationship with Rowan, so where else could I go there other than shoe-horning something in that isn't needed there? I also feel like I meandered on enough just getting to THIS point (there were already two chapters of Sam sitting around talking to Rowan; a third felt extraneous). But still, it's honestly a duly noted point, and I will keep it in mind going forward.

I agree about the Sam eating his omelette part, lol, and about the Rowan part. Focusing too much on Rowan wouldn't have been very good either. For this chapter, I was mostly talking about the Shinx capture. Why include it if it's not important? If it's important, why not expand on it?

It just seemed like last chapter, Sam had just announced his plans, and now, with very little time passing, he's at the lake already. What planning did he do? What were his initial travels during his journey like after he left Rowan's lab? You could have added other scenes beside the Rowan one to help expand other characters or Sam. Even with your chapters being out of chronological order, it seems a tiny bit rushed.

This was longer, yes, and while I agree that previous chapters that were just a bit over 2 pages were probably two short, I tend to look at huge chapters in the same manner that you and diamondpearl noted that you looked at my single long paragraph here. I have always had a tendency towards shorter, quick-hitting chapters, and, like I mentioned with stretching out that one paragraph to give myself exercise in doing so, I could probably stand to lengthen my chapters a tad. I just feel like chapters that are more than 5 or 6 pages are a bit tedious to read. Though, granted, short chapters read better when the whole story is put together and read worse when being posted chapter-by-chapter. Something else to keep in mind as I go on.

There's nothing wrong with this. Some people just prefer longer chapters, some prefer shorter. I've seen plenty of books with 1-2 page chapters... The difference here is that we have to wait a week or more to see the next chapter, whereas in regular books, you can keep on reading immediately. Do with that what you will.
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
I hope you (or Sidewinder) don't think I was dismissing your opinions; I wasn't. I wouldn't have been using smileys throughout my reply if I was actually defensive or upset. I just thought I needed to defend a few points. I absolutely value what you guys said, 100%, and am serious when I say I'll consider them going forward.

A few new points:

-You're probably right about the lack of showing the capture of the Shinx. My only excuse is when I was visualizing the scene, I greatly enjoyed the image of Shinx bobbing along next to Sam and playing with Bree. I just wanted to open with that since I liked the visual.

-I may have screwed up and shown another character's thought process before, but I might hate myself if I have. I can't stand inconsistent narration. I know I'vedone a few "Tommy seemed to think..." or "Rowan appeared to be..." so I could allude to their inner processes, but it's all done through Sam's perception. But that doesn't mean mistakes weren't made. I'd just be really unhappy. :)

-I wanted to display here that Sam DIDN'T do any planning. I thought I did a good job of that, but perhaps not. I wanted to show that he is getting frantic and desperate, and even when things are going well, he still hasn't thought it all out. So that's why I didn't show him coming up with a plan: he didn't have one. He thinks he can just wing it. If I didn't display that well enough...shame on me.
 

Bulba the Great!

We Do Not Sow
Chapter One, here we go! *cracks knuckles*

He was thankful that Sinnoh had outlets that accommodated devices brought from other continents as he plugged his trimmers into the wall adjoining the bathroom sink.

This is a delightful little detail that makes your world so accessible. Love it.

As of eight o’clock, Sam had never managed to get any more sleep when his hotel phone rang.

That should probably be "Sam had not managed". Otherwise there's some weeird tense stuff going on.

I like the paragraph describing his frustration at waiting. The bit about the minute hand being faster than the bus? Gold.

helping him take in the brand new environment

Are you referring to the Butterfree? Because you just stated it was female...

An Ninetails

Not to be the grammar nazi, but it would just be 'a Ninetales'.

What a nifty way to hook me for the next chapter! Bravo.

I swear I'll read faster and catch up once the week is out.
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
Are you referring to the Butterfree? Because you just stated it was female...

....yes, that's....yep. I can't believe no one else caught that one. In my defense, I wrote the line about Bree's wings a few times and couldn't decide if it was a he or a she. I guess after I decided on "she", I forgot to change that line.

And yeah...I need to go back and edit almost all my uses of "Ninetails". I can't believe I never noticed that was how it was spelled. I, unfortunately, need to edit a few of the typos that have been caught so far. Just haven't had time. :(

Thanks for the continued support, though. :)
 

diamondpearl876

Well-Known Member
I hope you (or Sidewinder) don't think I was dismissing your opinions; I wasn't. I wouldn't have been using smileys throughout my reply if I was actually defensive or upset. I just thought I needed to defend a few points. I absolutely value what you guys said, 100%, and am serious when I say I'll consider them going forward.

No worries, and I believed you. :eek: And it's okay to defend yourself but I'll still give my opinion haha. Also, we're not always right anyway. You know your story better than we ever will!

But that doesn't mean mistakes weren't made. I'd just be really unhappy. :)

Fair enough, "seemed" and "appeared" are good words to use. But they can be misleading still if the reader isn't focusing on your story enough or whatever.

-I wanted to display here that Sam DIDN'T do any planning. I thought I did a good job of that, but perhaps not. I wanted to show that he is getting frantic and desperate, and even when things are going well, he still hasn't thought it all out. So that's why I didn't show him coming up with a plan: he didn't have one. He thinks he can just wing it. If I didn't display that well enough...shame on me.

You did do a good job showing he was frantic and desperate, no doubt. It just seems unrealistic that he didn't do ANY planning for something so important, you know? Maybe he could have done some planning, but not very good planning.
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
Chapter 7: Present Day

Sam had thought Barry was moving fast when they were just on their way to the lake yesterday, but he realized he hadn’t seen fast until the young man, abandoning camp and all of their belongings, raced along the edge of the lake in an attempt to get to the northern side. His feet came down so hard and so quickly, he almost trampled a family of Bidoof who weren‘t aware of his presence until nearly too late.

“Barry!” Sam called out from behind him as he did his best to stay caught up. “Barry, what’s going on? You’re leaving all of our supplies behind!”

“You can stay with them if you want, but I’d rather you came with me. So either keep up or don’t!” Barry’s gait hardly changed as he yelled the order back to Sam.

Sam had no time at all to be indecisive, and he knew it. If he paused to consider his actions for even a moment, Barry would be out of sight. With that realization, Sam increased his speed in an effort to stay just behind Barry’s trail of dust. He still had no idea why Barry was running so fervently, but it was obvious that the sound from the other side of the lake had awoken something dire within the young man. It was a side of Barry that Sam had seen no sign of yesterday.

After a few minutes of a dead sprint around the periphery of Lake Verity, Barry finally slowed down, placing his right arm over his chest as he did so. Sam knew Barry must have been feeling the same vice squeezing his lungs that he did. Their pace reduced itself to a quickened walk, and Sam finally had enough time to realize wherever they were rushing off to, they were doing it in their pajamas. Sam tried to imagine whatever creature was making the mechanical beeping noise being intimidated by his flannel sweatpants and white tank top, but it seemed all-too-unlikely. Somewhere in his haste, he had lost one of his knitted slippers, and he tried to calculate if having one was any more ridiculous than either having both or just being barefoot. He settled on kicking the other one off to match his bare feet; he could recover the socks when they came back around the lake.

“Did you bring your pokemon?”

Sam was almost shocked that Barry had spoken; he hadn’t said anything since demanding Sam’s decision. Sam’s hand went to the exterior of his pockets and he felt the three lumps within. “I did, yeah. Why--”

“Good. You sleep with them? Smart.” Barry was still not even turning his head to Sam when he spoke, choosing instead to keep his eyes locked on the shoreline. He really must not have wanted to lose even a step’s worth of his speed, even while recuperating from the sprint.

“I guess. I just--”

“Do you know anything about the beeps?”

“The beeps? You mean the noise? No, how would I? I just got here--”

“It has nothing to do with you?”

Sam desperately wanted to finish a thought without another interruption, but this question wrecked into his brain like a runaway car. “What? With me? No, no it’s not.”

Barry nodded and picked up his pace to a light jog. His vice must have loosened somewhat. Sam wished his chest would tell him the same. Nevertheless, he increased his own speed to match.

The beeping that had saved Sam from his nightmare grew louder as they rounded Verity. Sometimes it would disappear for minutes at a time, only to re-emerge later. As they got closer, other sounds began mixing in. First, a heavy, rapid sound of two hard materials colliding. After that, the sound of hydraulics. What they were approaching was definitely man-made. Not only that, but it had to be some kind of heavy machinery. He was considering the implications of that thought when he saw that Barry had come to a stop and was crouching. The motion he made with his hand signaled Sam to do the same.

Maybe a hundred yards of trees and shrubs separated Sam and Barry from a small construction force in a clearing of the woods. There was a large, orange backhoe that emitted a cautionary beep--the sound that he had been chasing--when it needed to back up. Not far from the backhoe sat an idling bulldozer and a matching orange breaker. All three pieces of machinery had the same picture of a fiery bird blazoned on their doors. There was obviously a man in the backhoe steering it backwards off a mound of dirt the equipment must have dug up, but the other vehicles seemed empty, and half a dozen men milled about outside them, all clad in matching construction hats and red jumpsuits. There were too far away for Sam to discern anything they could be saying.

“What do you think is going on here?” As Sam turned to Barry to get an answer to his question, he found the young man snapping pictures with his cell phone. Sam stared on as Barry then began inputting information into the touchscreen. “What are you doing?”

“Sending these pics to the professor. You seriously don’t know these guys?”

“What? No. I told you--”

“Awesome. Good. Okay, I have to call him. Hold on.”

Another statement interrupted by Barry, but Sam was much less concerned about this one. Barry pulled the phone to his ear, and Sam went back to studying the crew. The last man working exited the backhoe and joined his partners on the ground, studying the hole that Sam figured the breaker and backhoe joined forces to bore.

“Professor Rowan, hey it’s me. Did you get the pictures I sent you?...Good...Yeah, they’re just here at the north side of the lake...So did you recognize the emblem on...Phoenix Shipping Corporation?...No, I never heard of it...” Sam’s eyes shot back-and-forth between Barry and the workers by their equipment. It seemed impossible that they could hear Barry at this distance, but what if they could? Were they allowed to be here while this crew was working? Barry’s conversation continued, “Well that doesn’t sound so bad...No, he’s right here with me, he doesn’t seem to know these guys...Yeah, I believe him. I am not particularly suspicious of guys who whimper in their sleep...Do we have permission to?...Awesome...Oh, you know I can, but what about--CHRIST!”

When the ground shook, it dislodged the phone from Barry’s hand, sending it into a bush several feet away. Both Sam and Barry toppled to the ground as the floor of the forest revolted beneath their feet. Sam felt a sticky rain trickle down on him, but only for a moment--it stopped as suddenly as the earthquake underneath him had. He reached to the back of his head to feel the wetness of the rain, but it was more than wet. It was also thick, and when he brought his hand back around, he could see it was white and brown. He lifted his gaze to the trees, and that’s when it hit him: whatever had so suddenly startled himself and Barry seemed to also scare the birds and the pokemon in the trees above them. “Son of a--”

“Hey, are you okay? What was that?”

Sam’s attention was called back to the more pressing matter. “I don’t know...” Suddenly a thought hit him. “Well those guys dug a hole, right? Maybe they set off some kind of explosive when the hole got deeper than their machines could go?”

“Those idiots. Look, Sam, I know you’re here to see Mesprit or whatever, but I might need your help, and you’d be doing Professor Rowan a favor, too. You want to come help me stop some unlicensed construction?”

Barry was right enough that this was not why Sam had come to this lake. Whatever this was, it really wasn’t his business, and what authority did he or Barry have to tell these guys what they could or could not do? But when Sam thought past that, he concluded that he might never see Mesprit with these people here destroying the forest. “Sure. Whatever. I mean, I guess. But what do we--”

Barry pulled two of his pokeballs out of his pocket. They were plain red-and-white pokeballs, the cheap kind that were generally so undependable that they were used almost exclusively to catch fresh, defenseless hatchlings. “Follow my lead.”

Barry shot out of their cover and into the clearing where the men worked. “Excuse me, gentlemen!” he called out, “I’ve come to check your paperwork and licensing for your project here today!”

The men began exchanging words with each other, but Sam could not understand them; not because he was too far away now, but because they were speaking in a language he did not know. Now that Sam was closer, he could see the skin tone of these men was slightly different from his own, as if they had a permanent suntan, and that’s when it hit him: they were no more native to Sinnoh than he was. They must have come from one of the equatorial regions. One of them, a man with full, bushy sideburns, stepped forward from the rest. He was not as thickly built as Sam imagined construction workers to be, but maybe with so many machines and explosives doing the work, he did not need to be. “Hey, kids. This is not a playground, there are dangerous stuff at work here. I am sorry if we did startle you, but you are going to have to get go from here.” The man’s imperfect speech and accent seemed to confirm what Sam already suspected.

“Happy to,” Barry smiled at the worker, “just as soon as we check to see if all your paperwork is in order. Verity Forest is protected land, after all.”

Sideburns turned back to his group and shouted something in what was probably his native tongue. His coworkers replied in kind, and he turned back to Barry. “Child, I am to be serious. You have to leave. It is,” he put his hand on a Great Ball that hung from his belt by a keychain, “not safe here for you.”

That was apparently all Barry needed. Both of his arms pressed forward, red energy flashing forth from his two pokeballs. In the space between himself and Sideburns materialized two pokemon: one, a child-sized monkey with red and blue warpaint on its face and flames dancing on the end of its tail; the other a tortoise creature that was easily the size of a large SUV. Sam recognized them from the tour guides he had read about Sinnoh as a Monferno and a Torterra, respectively. The Torterra was especially impressive, having a fully grown small tree sprouting from its shell and protective, rocky plates growing out from the sides of its head. Upon its emergence, it sat perfectly still except for its head, which moved to study its environment. The Monferno shuffled swiftly from side-to-side and stretched its knuckles to crack them.

Sideburns yelled something back to his crew while he unhooked his Great Ball. Sam braced for them to rush forward to help him, but they instead turned towards the heavy equipment and raced for them. Energy was just emerging from Sideburns’ ball when Barry yelled to Sam.

“You deal with whatever he’s got! I’m going to stop those guys! Torterra, fissure away those vehicles!”

The massive tortoise slammed its oak-like left front leg about a foot deep into the forest floor. A crack in the earth broke under the breaker, and the machine teetered sideways into it. Sam tried to watch to see if anything was happening to the other devices, but his view was suddenly obscured by a large, rotund pokemon. Sam was familiar with it as a Hariyama on only a rudimentary level from the studying he did when he was still active in the World Pokemon League. He never had the displeasure of actually seeing one in person until now. It’s huge, three-fingered palms swayed in the air in front of him, and its thick eyebrows formed a menacing V-pattern on its forehead.

Sam fumbled for his pocket. He had never been in a purely confrontational fight before; all of his previous battles, many though they had been, were either friendly spars or WPL matches. He found the Nest Ball in his left pocket and squeezed it one time, bringing Bree forward in a flush of energy. While the boy he was with was destroying Sideburns’ machines, it seemed a bad time for Sam to ask what the rules might be for this fight. Sideburns yelled something to Hariyama in the language Sam couldn’t understand, and the massive fighting-type brought its flattened hand down in a chop onto Bree. She reeled backwards from the impact, but managed to stay airborne.

“Hey! I can’t understand that! That’s...really unfair.” Sam found that he was pointing an accusing finger at the foreigner. Sideburns shouted another mystery order, but this time, Sam had his bearings more together. “Bree, fly up! Just...stay away from it!”

Hariyama’s right leg whipped around to kick Bree, but she had managed to narrowly avoid the impact by flying several feet into the air. “Yeah, you can yell all the gibberish you want now, but your fatty ninja pokemon can’t fly, so why don’t you calm down? We just asked to see your license and paperwork!” Sideburns scowled in response and let out another roar that did not sound like the friendly invitation to drink coffee and sort this all out that Sam had hoped for.

Hariyama bent forward and slammed both of its hands into the ground in front of him. After a second of straining, it pulled a clump of dirt and stone the size of an oven from the earth and pitched it at Bree in one fluid movement. The Butterfree was struck by the rock, but still managed to use her ability to fly to roll with the impact and stay aloft. Sideburns opened his mouth to call another attack.

“Oh, I’m done with this. Butterfree, psychic the heck out of tubby and end this!”

Bree zipped down and landed directly on top of Hariyama’s head. She dug her blue feet and paws into the fighting-type’s scalp and splayed her wings wide. Visibly, nothing else seemed to happen until Hariyama screamed in agony. It fell onto its belly, defeated.

“Do you yield?” Sam had no idea why he barked those words, but he had to admit to himself: it sounded really good. Sideburns recalled his Hariyama and took three hesitating steps backwards. When it seemed that Sam and Bree were not pursuing him, he turned and rushed off into the woods. Sam noticed the rest of his group must have already fled there; it was now just Sam, Barry, their pokemon, and some wrecked machinery.

“Really? ‘Do you yield’? That’s the direction you decided to go there?”

Sam shrugged. “It felt right.”

“I thought you were threatening to cut his head off.”

“I think he thought so, too. Did you see him book it out of here?”

Barry rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you’re a lion among men, what with your bird poop hair and your night whimpering”

“Oh, you caught both of those, huh?" The adrenaline from the fight was beginning to fade, and Sam’s thoughts went back to the lake. Had those guys frightened away Mesprit? Would he still have a chance to catch it after all the ruckus they had made? He was removed from his thoughts by a sudden sensation on his back; Barry’s Monferno jumped up onto his shoulders and bounced in place. He panted heavily into Sam’s ear.

“Hey, stranger danger! We talked about this.” Monferno waved Barry’s words off and continued to happily bounce around on Sam’s back. “Eh,” Barry continued, “I guess he knows you’re with me. He likes everyone, though. Don’t be too proud of it.”

Sam scratched Monferno’s large, oval ears. “What do we do now?”

“Well you’re here to play Lake Warrior or whatever, but I’ve got to get back to Professor Rowan. These guys work for some shipping company that just opened in Canalave City. No idea what they’d be doing here. If you want to come along, I wouldn’t say no.”

Sam knew he had a decision to make. This wasn’t why he’d come here, and he had no idea what it even was. He did know that it was none of his business, and it certainly wasn’t going to help Tommy. But seeing Mesprit seemed less likely than ever now. Maybe, he thought, if he went back to Sandgem Town with Barry, he could take the time to study what he now knew of Lake Verity and find its secrets.
 
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Sidewinder

Ours is the Fury
Sam had thought Barry was moving fast when they were just on their way to the lake yesterday, but he realized he hadn’t seen fast until the young man, abandoning camp and all of their belongings, raced along the edge of the lake in an attempt to get to the northern side. Rowan’s assistant might as well have been sightseeing earlier compared to the purposeful pace he took to track down the beeping noise that had awoken them. His feet came down so hard and so quickly, he almost trampled a family of Bidoof who weren‘t aware of his presence until nearly too late.

That seemed a bit forced to me. I would have stopped after the second sentence when describing Barry's speed. It's almost like you're trying too hard to describe how fast he was. Fast is fast, and unless the speed is happening with different actions (like slicing, running, jumping, etc), it can feel like you are trying too hard to convince us of what's happening. Make sense?

“It has nothing to do with you?”

I liked Barry's suspicion of Sammy there

As they got closer, other sounds began mixing it.

Mixing it? should it be mixing in?

He lifted his gaze to the trees, and that’s when it hit him: whatever had so suddenly startled himself and Barry seemed to also scare the birds and the pokemon in the trees above them.

I liked that. Nice small touch of comedy in the middle of the situation.

The man’s imperfect speech and accent seemed to confirm what Sam already suspected.

I really liked the addition of the bad speech from 'sideburns'. That's actually a really realistic touch and can be all too common IRL. Accents are hard for me to write, and especially sound out when I'm intentionally using bad grammar. I think you nailed it, and it added to the foreign nature of this weird group. Good job!

“Hey! I can’t understand that! That’s...really unfair.” Sam found that he was pointing an accusing finger at the foreigner. Sideburns shouted another mystery order, but this time, Sam had his bearings more together. “Bree, fly up! Just...stay away from it!”

You did a good job showing Sammy's inexperience with violent situations. His experience so far has come from controlled enviroments, and giving him the opposite of that did alot to show a weakness for him and confirm that he still has alot to learn. I do like his simplistic approach to keeping Bree out of danger, as it was somewhat effective. He seems to advance into these situations with know forethought, so I'm hoping a situation like this will teach him to think more before just rushing headlong into unfamiliar territory.

She dug her blue feet and paws into the fighting-type’s scalp and splayed her wings wide. Visibly, nothing else seemed to happen until Hariyama screamed in agony. It fell onto its belly, defeated.

That part felt odd to me. I know that psychic is super effective against fighting and all, but that seemed too easy. I was hoping for more of a display of her power, and I did feel like the battle was ended before it really began. Psychic is a mental attack so I liked the take on an invisible force tearing itself through Hariyama's mind. A little more description on what the Pokemon were feeling while it was taking place would have done alot to help out the scene I formed in my head. Nice job on adding a Hariyama BTW, as its always been one of my favorite Pokemon ^^

All in all, I liked the chapter. The action and pacing were well done, and it felt nice getting thrust into an unfamiliar situation and see more Pokemon doing what they do. You mentioned a few chapters ago something about adding more Pokemon, and I still hold true to what I said back then, but at the same time it is very nice to see more Pokemon being introduced. Keep up the good work
 

Sid87

I love shiny pokemon
That seemed a bit forced to me. I would have stopped after the second sentence when describing Barry's speed. It's almost like you're trying too hard to describe how fast he was. Fast is fast, and unless the speed is happening with different actions (like slicing, running, jumping, etc), it can feel like you are trying too hard to convince us of what's happening. Make sense?

It does, and I eliminated the second sentence entirely. I didn't catch it until you said that, but you're right. Thanks!

Mixing it? should it be mixing in?

Yes. And now it is. :)

I really liked the addition of the bad speech from 'sideburns'. That's actually a really realistic touch and can be all too common IRL. Accents are hard for me to write, and especially sound out when I'm intentionally using bad grammar. I think you nailed it, and it added to the foreign nature of this weird group. Good job!

Thanks. I felt like I was stradding a TOUGH line of not making him a caricature, but still having just enough incorrect grammar that it reflects on his foreign nature. I'm glad you appreciated it.

That part felt odd to me. I know that psychic is super effective against fighting and all, but that seemed too easy.

Yeah, I can see that. All three "battles" I've written here have been short because I have never written pokemon battles before this story. So I'm keeping them brief while I get my practice in and not letting myself drone on in the meantime. But yeah, it was pretty easy, I can agree. I apologize if I besmirched your boy Hariyama. ;)
 
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Bulba the Great!

We Do Not Sow
He thought about this past year in eighth grade when he told Evelyn Simmons that he was going to steal her new gaming system so he’d have something to do over the summer. Did she take him seriously? Was he going to go to jail or something?

I like the honesty this brings to Sammy. Only a youth would possibly think of this explanation for an official's presence.

heck, their dad worked there, and it had long-since gotten to the point where Sammy forgot most people don’t usually want to go to hospitals.

This adds tremendously to the visit; the sensation of false security when entering the hospital just adds this layer that I really like.

The realism of the boys not even making it to their father's side is tragic. I only hope we get to meet him in future chapters, through flashback or something.

It seems pointless reviewing these earlier chapters, but I wouldn't want to just skip over my thoughts and reactions. Maybe it's a neat little blast to the past for you.

See you @Ch. 3!
 
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