Chibi Pika
Stay positive
Hello there, I have finally returned, and this time I am all caught up!
I'm actually quite liking how the story is told out of chronological order, because it makes the progression of events feel more interesting than just knowing everything right away.
And I've got to say, I was actually quite surprised to see that his brother's plight was so very...down-to-earth and realistic. It somehow strikes the reader differently than the typical larger-than-life events of the Pokemon fandom. But then also has a very logical connection to the Legendaries, which will likely cause some larger-than-life events as a result, so we've got a very interesting balance of story elements.
Olol, I love Chispa, and I think it's neat to give Sam another Pokemon.
And dang, that last chapter certainly ended on an intense note. You've got me hooked, I can say that much! Looking forward to more!
~Chibi~;249;;448;
Oosh. Now there's a powerful line.Tommy had given his brother a normal life despite their parents both being dead. Sam, in return, gave him a rock. He buried the letter back in the trash where he found it and headed to his room to study Geometry.
I'm actually quite liking how the story is told out of chronological order, because it makes the progression of events feel more interesting than just knowing everything right away.
This is a wonderfully well done passage that sums up a lot of things at once, from the main character's emotions, to hints at what happened in the past, to setting a strong mood.The image of Vlam curling around Rowan’s feet and the hopefulness that her analysis of his character provided felt like they had happened to someone else he might have read about in a story. All he could think of was his rage at useless so-called medical experts. And his brother’s black, emotionless eyes.
And I've got to say, I was actually quite surprised to see that his brother's plight was so very...down-to-earth and realistic. It somehow strikes the reader differently than the typical larger-than-life events of the Pokemon fandom. But then also has a very logical connection to the Legendaries, which will likely cause some larger-than-life events as a result, so we've got a very interesting balance of story elements.
This is a great way to use flavor for describing someone's style of speech, and several of them at that.Where previously the professor had spoken to him respectfully, possibly even affectionately, his words were now sharpened with the points of lecture. Sam knew he was being scolded, an insolent child who thought himself too big for his britches.
I always like it when a character is forced to question whether or not they would be selfish in something, because it really is a serious, uncomfortable question.Sam hated wondering if he himself could ever be so selfless with his life because he feared he’d not like the truth of the answer.
I really like how this response of his was written. It has a very genuine feel, and also manages to slip the reader more information about Rowan. That's one thing I really like: your prose very frequently multitasks, and it does it well.“I would never make so little of your pain as to say that I know what you’re going through, Sam. My parents both lived full lives, and my sisters are both with me today and have given me beautiful nieces and nephews. What you’ve gone through is awful. But it doesn’t answer the question of why you think the legends can help you.”
Olol, I love Chispa, and I think it's neat to give Sam another Pokemon.
Oh lolz, it's Barry! Yessssss. I loved Barry in DPPt, he was a wonderful change of pace after the (imo) borring supporting characters in Gen 3, and he is likewise already amazing here.“How did I know you were looking for the lake? Yeah, like I’d be such a good assistant to Professor Rowan if I wasn’t out here waiting for some dumb foreigner to miss his turn.”
“Assistant?”
“Yeah. You’re late, by the way. I’ve been here all day. Just for that, I’m fining you a million bucks!”
FFFFFFFF, Barry. Barry is amazing. And I just love the wording of "It was suddenly the only thing he’d ever wanted in his life." Lines like that are always great. x3“Anyway, the turn you missed is back here a ways. I uprooted some bushes and used them to cover it up. I thought it’d be funny to watch you wander on past it.”
Sam wanted to have Vlam set this kid on fire. It was suddenly the only thing he’d ever wanted in his life.
I can attest that this frequently happens to me, but while it is usually an alarm clock, here it was actually the next bit of plot. Interesting.Sam’s eyes opened to find the beeping permeated his reality, as well. No, he thought, the beeping was real to begin with, and it had crawled into his nightmare. The next thought he had was that Barry was not only wide awake, but he was standing upright, staring across the water. As Sam regained more of his bearings in the awakened world, his ears let him know the sound seemed to be coming from the direction Barry was looking.
Ffffff...Sam's narration just gets more and more golden with each chapter.Sam tried to imagine whatever creature was making the mechanical beeping noise being intimidated by his flannel sweatpants and white tank top, but it seemed all-too-unlikely.
Pfffft, this is hilariously similar to a line from Spencer waaay in the future of LC. (I'm sure this comes as no surprise.)Sideburns scowled in response and let out another roar that did not sound like the friendly invitation to drink coffee and sort this all out that Sam had hoped for.
I loved Sam's reaction here. xD And Tommy's trollish intent behind the line to begin with.Sam sputtered a few words, but nothing pointed was coming to him as he tried to imagine his brother meeting women. It was a disturbing thought, broken up by Tommy’s laughter. “Oh man, you need to see your own face, Sammy. I think I just broke your brain.”
Stop murdering me with Barry's dialogue! xDBarry finally settled back down. “This plan is failsafe. We’re totally going to find out what the Phoenix Shipping Corporation is up to. You know, as long as they don’t do anything dastardly like bounce around.”
Anything else. xD Damn, these two play off each other wonderfully. Really, adding another character to banter with Sam added tons of flavor to the story.“Nope. Just gonna play this by ear.”
“Okay, yes. Tell me, what is your ear playing right now?”
Barry scratched his chin with his index finger. “Hm. Walk in. Find the receptionist or accountant or CEO or whoever’s at the front desk. Say ‘why were those guys performing illegal construction at Lake Verity?’ in a very menacing voice. Get answers.”
“Yep, that’s pretty good. But how about instead of that, we do anything else?”
The way that middle part is worded doesn't feel like a dialogue tag so I don't believe it should be followed by a comma.“It’s a cargo ship.” Suddenly, it was Barry who sounded exasperated at Sam, “And the cargo being loaded was labeled ‘Acuity Project’.”
The repetition here kind of throws off the flow. I'd ditch the "had been" as the sentence's meaning is still apparent without it.A total of five more crates, labeled just as the ones Barry had seen had been, were loaded onto the deck.
Wrong article there (probably a typo). Also this technically should have a semi colon to avoid being run-on. While I do advocate the use of strategic run-ons to influence the flow of narration, that doesn't appear to be the intent here.Some of the crates were as small as compact cars, others were as large as an storage unit.
Typo here. I'm surprised spellcheck didn't catch it.Before the Corphish could right itself, Prinplup blasted it with a concetrated burst of water from it beak for good measure.
And dang, that last chapter certainly ended on an intense note. You've got me hooked, I can say that much! Looking forward to more!
~Chibi~;249;;448;