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Bump! (PG; onshot)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by はるひ, Sep 15, 2012.

  1. Rating: PG for cursing
    Fandom: Pokemon
    Genre: general
    Characters/Parings: Jupiter, Team Rocket grunt
    Author: Gothitelle K
    Status: completed
    Comments: Ahh this fic was almost 9 pages but it's only that because of the Teachy TV menu lol. Anyway even though this story is weird and stupid, I had fun writing it. This is based on the HG/SS games where you bump into a hiker and he gives you an HM. Obviously, I replaced the payer character and the hiker. Oh and as a note; the grunt is 23 while Jupiter is 21 in this fic.

    “Hah! Last one to Chargestone Cave is a rotten egg!”

    It was a bright and sunny day in the Unova region. The skies were a clear baby blue and the warm wind was blowing softly through the tops of the tall trees. Two young men were running through the grassy plains of Route six as they were racing each other two Chargestone Cave. Both young men were dressed all in back, both wearing uniforms with a big red R in the middle of their shirts. The guy in front had messy dark purple hair and a brown cowboy hat to block out the sun. The guy that was five feet behind him had shoulder length messy brown hair with a block cap on top.

    ‘Shoot!’ the young man thought as he realized that his buddy was nowhere in sight. Panic started to set in as all he could see in front of him were tall blades of grass. The grass was so dense that he couldn’t even see the main road from any angle. The guy kept on running as he looked around frantically for a way out. At this point, all he wanted to do was get out of the grass patch. “Get me out of here!’ the man thought as he pushed the grass out of his face. The blades were hitting him in the face, getting in his hair and even in his mouth.

    However, for a brief five minutes, he didn’t feel any grass hit or scratch him in the face or arms. ‘Yesss!’ he thought as he realized that he was finally on a solid road with no grass. The man still ran, with his eyes closed as he was celebrating inside. His eyes were closed really tight as a big smirk grew on his face. However, before the man could open his eyes to see where he was going…


    The impact felt as if he had run into a brick wall as he stumbled back a few inches. The young man rubbed his forehead as he finally opened his eyes. When he did, what he found was truly shocking. A girl, who looked to be around her early twenties, was laying on the floor, moaning softly in pain. Alongside her was her Pokemon, a purple and white skunk which slowly came beside her and tried to intimidate the young man. Realizing that he just ran into a girl and knocked her down, he panicked as he apologized to the traveler.

    “Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” he said as he had a worried look on his face. “Did I hurt you?”

    “Uhhh….” the young woman started to answer.

    However, before she could even say a word to him, he hesitantly reached into his bag for an item. He kept apologizing to her as he was trying to find something to make it up to the mysterious traveler. The female sat up on the floor and just fixed her dark pink hair as she stared at the panicked young man with a smile.

    “Ohh.. don’t cry… d-don’t cry,” he said hesitantly while sifting through his bag. “Here! This will make it better.”

    While she looked at him strangely, the young man pulled out a CD from his bag and handed it to the young woman. While she smiled at him when she took it with gratitude, she looked at the disk with a weird expression. It was just a regular silver disk, with nothing special on it. She looked at the man as though she wasn't sure what he had just given her.

    “That’s a hidden machine. It contains a cool new move that you can teach to your Pokemon,” he explained. “It’s called ‘strength’. You can teach it you any of your Pokemon that can learn the move and they could push big boulders out of your way. My friend helped me teach it to my machop the other day.”

    “Wait!” the young pink haired woman piped up. “You are saying that if I taught this to my skuntank, then she would be able to move rocks that are like, five times her size?”

    “Pretty much yeah! Anything is possible!” the young man exclaimed. “In fact, I will show you what I mean.”

    The young man took a Poke ball from his bag and proceeded to throw it up in the air. With the flash of light coming from the Poke-ball, the form of a human shaped Pokemon was reviled. The gray human-like Pokemon wagged its short tail as it assumed the fighting stance. Its head ridges glinted in the sun as the young man winked at the female traveler.

    “Alright Machop, use strength on that rock!” the young man commanded as he pointed to the rock that was right beside the cave entrance.

    The superpower Pokemon hunched as he went over the big while bolder that was near the cave. With his bare hands, the machop pushed the bolder with all his might. The bolder was moving rather smoothly as the girl and her Pokemon were stunned. The brown haired young man looked at the stunned traveler and just winked at her as she looked over at her Pokrmon and back. After the human shaped Pokemon was done moving the bolder, the man got out his Pokeball.

    “Good job! Return!” he shouted as his Pokemon was engulfed in a red light and returned to his Pokeball.

    The young man and woman then turned to face each other. While he stared at her, he felt that there was something different about her, that she wasn’t an ordinary girl. Her skintight, one-pieced uniform and the yellow G emblem on the corner suggested that she was part of an organization. Her bag also had that same emblem as well. He smiled a hard kind of smile as his eyes scanned up and down her person. She was very much indeed gorgeous.

    “Here, let me give you a hand,” he said as he stuck out his hand as a motion for her to grab it.

    The girl smiled as she happily took his hand and got herself off the ground. Once she was off the ground, she dusted the sand off of her clothes and bag. While she did that, the young man noticed that her one piece suit was different than the ones he’s seen other girls wear. It was missing a pant leg as her left leg was covered but her right one was exposed and had a garter-like belt. Judging by her fancy clothing, she was defiantly out of his league.

    After the girl had dusted off her clothes, she also noticed that the guy who was helping her had on a distinctive uniform. His black short sleeved shirt had a big red R in the middle and it was coupled with pants that were of the same color and a gray belt. As she was looking at the mysterious male, the young girl blushed while she looked away and moved her hand up and down her arm as a gesture of nervousness.

    “So… um…” the guy said as he was trying to figure out what to say next. “I’m Steve! What’s your name?”

    Steve stuck out his hand as a motion for the young woman to shake it. She shook his hand slowly as she looked around for what seemed to be a definite answer to his simple question.

    “Oh! M-my name?” the girl said as she glanced over at her skuntank. “My name’s Jupiter…”

    “Hm… Jupiter eh?” the young man asked. “Like the planet? The big red? That’s a pretty name, by the way.”

    ‘She seems really nervous. I wonder if I am scaring her’ he thought as the girl just looked at him with an unreadable expression. She gave a slight shrug as a way to say that she wasn’t sure. Steve knew that she was nervous judging by her demeanor. Plus he was new to her so she might have not known the right things to say or do. Whatever the case, Steve did not want to make Jupiter even more uncomfortable than she seemed to be. So he decided to change the subject of the conversation.

    “So Jupiter, are you going to try out the hidden machine?” he asked with a smile. “You won’t need it for Chargestone Cave but you will need it for other places should you decide to take in more sights.”

    “Well, I thank you for the gift, however,” Jupiter started to say as she was flipping the disk. “I was hoping that you’d also teach me how to install it. Will you?”

    As soon as she asked that question, her skuntank started to slam her head against the floor repeatedly. While Steve didn’t notice, Jupiter looked down and kicked her Pokemon on the side as a motion for her to stop.

    “I’d love to Jupiter, but the truth is… well my friend installed the HM for me so I really don’t know how to do it either,” Steve replied. “But, I think there was a lesson about TMs and HMs on the Teachy TV. I don’t have one yet but if you have one, we could look at it and help each other out.”

    “Teachy TV? Yes I have one!” Jupiter exclaimed as she dropped her bag on the floor.

    After she had done that, the pink haired woman bent down beside her bag and started to sift through it. As she did that, she grinned as she pulled out a shiny black item from her bag. It looked like an electronic drawing pad for it was flat and had a touchscreen; however it had handles on the side which also doubled as speakers. As she took the item, Jupiter proceeded to get up off the ground and walked towards Steve. As she gave him the item, his eyes widened as he looked at it front and back.

    “Damn! These are better than the junk we used to get in Kanto!” the man exclaimed as he grabbed the pad by its handles. “This Teachy TV is a touchscreen and I love touchscreens! The ones I used to get were just portable TVs that were like five pounds.”

    “Really?” Jupiter giggled as her cheeks started to turn rosy. “I wouldn’t know since I’ve never used or seen these before. Trainers weren’t given one in the Sinnoh region. So when my boss gave me this, I was confused.”

    “Hm, well this here Jupiter is your best friend,” Steve explained. “Especially in this region since there are so many items, poke balls and potions out there that I’ve never seen before. So needless to say, I cannot wait to get one when Team Rocket brings them from the warehouse these are made in. You might know more since you seem like a very smart girl but these are good to have.”

    As Steve pressed the red button on the bottom of the TV, a gray fuzzy static appeared on the screen. While loading, many options appeared behind a transparent black screen and all in medium letters and red coloring. The options read:

    >User guide
    -Getting to know your Teachy TV
    -Language guide
    -How to download lessons
    -How to register your trainer class or rank
    >Teach me how to battle!
    >Teach me about battle types!
    -Single battles
    -Double battles
    -Triple battles
    -Rotation battles
    >Teach me about TMs/HMs!
    -Teach me how to install a TM/HM!
    -How to delete an HM
    >Teach me about moves!
    -Physical attacks
    -Special attacks
    -Status moves
    -Type matchups
    -Type chart
    >I want to catch Pokemon!
    >Teach me about Poke balls!
    -How do I know which Poke ball is the right one?
    -Apricorns galore!
    -Sealy seals!
    - Great balls
    (you can download other Poke ball lessons as you level up in rank or obtain apricorns)
    >Teach me about items!
    -Battle items
    -Regular items
    >Teach me about medicines!
    (lessons on other healing items can be downloaded as you level up in rank)
    >What are status problems?
    >(other lessons can be downloaded based on rank)

    “Wowzers, so many lessons! This is impressive!” Steve exclaimed as he sifted through the options until he found the one he was looking for. “Are you ready Jupiter? You’ll be amazed.”

    “Mmmhm,” Jupiter said softly as she puts both of her hands on his shoulder and then leans on his upper arm.

    Steve didn’t seems to notice what she was doing as he was busy pressing the list options. He pressed the one titled ‘teach me how to install an HM/TM!’ and when he had done so, the show began to start.

    The show started off in what seemed to be Route nine, judging by Department Store 9 in the background and the entrance to Tubeline Bridge in the corner. A buffed man appeared, wearing a white tank top and gray pants. His short black haired flowed with the wind as he looked into the camera.

    “Hey all you trainers!” the buffed man exclaimed.

    “Come on! Let me hear you, hello trainers! It’s me, the Poke Dude here to show you how to install technical or hidden machines on your Pokemon. So say a stranger gives you a TM or HM or you just happen to find one on the ground. You REEAALLLY want to use it but you have no idea how to even tack it on! Well, for this segment, I will show you how to make that happen! Keep your eyes glued to the Poke Dude show!”

    The Poke Dude then gets out his bag and pulls out a black CD case with a red Poke ball design on it. When he opens his case, he takes out an item that resembles a Pokedex; however it was bigger and had a CD slot on the side. It also had a small screen on the front in buttons on the bottom.

    “Okay, let’s say that you want to teach your Pokemon the move flash,” the black haired man started to explain while taking a Poke ball from his bag. “First thing you do is take out the TM for flash which is TM70 from your TM case. Then you take the Attackdex and you insert the CD of your choice into the CD drive which is on the left side of the Attackdex. Every TM case comes with an Attackdex.”

    The Poke Dude then inserts the CD inside the Attackdex. Once he did that, the screen started to light up as a dim light started to flash on the back of the dex. He held his Pokeball up to the light as he pressed a few buttons and the light began to blink.

    “This can be done with your Pokemon in or out of its Poke ball. In this case, I’m doing it with a Poke ball. After you insert the CD, a light will come on in the back. Shine that light on your Pokemon and press the select button on the bottom. Once it asks you if you want to delete a move for the move you are about to teach it, press select. Shine the light for five seconds and POOF! The move is taught to your Pokemon! And there you have it! As a quick note, HMs can’t be deleted using the Attackdex. But that’s for another mini lesson on the topic. Also TMs can be used over and over again.

    Well, that’s all for now! Remember, trainers, a good deed a day brings happiness to stay!” The Poke Dude said as he took a bow and he walked off screen.

    After that happened, the screen went back to its gray static color with the menu on top of a transparent black screen.

    “Did you enjoy that, Jupiter?” Steve asked. “These things give same very good info; even the crappy ones in Kanto do as well. Well, I certainly learned a thing or two from that program. I liked how they put it in words that we average trainers would understand but at the same time, not treat us all like we are four years old. So, how about you?”

    “I enjoyed that a lot, Steve,” Jupiter said with a smile. “Thank you for showing me the ropes. You have patience and I love that. Well, I want to test this out!”

    Jupiter knelt down to her bag and starts sifting through it. She then pulls out that same black case, as seen on TV, and starts to unzip it. Once done, she takes out her Attackdex which was located on the side of the TM case. As she got off the ground, she took the CD she had in her hand and inserts it into the CD drive. Once the screen popped up, she gave a big smile as she looked at her skuntank.

    “Okay Skuntank, this might hurt your eyes a bit,” the pink haired woman warned as the light from her Attackdex started to blink.

    The skuntank flinched and closed her eyes tightly as the bright light shone in her face. Once Jupiter had done that, she pressed select when it asked her if she wanted her Pokemon to learn strength. Once she did, it prompted her to delete an already existing move for this one. Jupiter looked at the list of moves that her Pokemon currently knew and pondered on which one to delete.

    -Iron tail
    -Scary face

    While she pondered, Steve glanced over at the screen and chuckled. Jupiter glanced over at him with a smirk as she figured out which move she was going to delete. She clicked on scary face and pressed select. In a few seconds, the screen says that the move has been taught. So with that, the pink haired girl puts away her dex and TM case and proceeded to face Steve with a grin.

    “… and just what are you laughing at?” Jupiter asked as she giggled.

    “Oh nothing…” the Team Rocket member chuckled. “The thought of a skunk roaring perhaps?”

    “Eh, roar is only used to keep certain red headed commanders and their weak Pokemon away from me,” the woman gruffly replied. “So, now that I have installed the move, let me test it out. Skuntank, use strength on that rock!”

    Jupiter pointed at that same rock Steve’s machop just pushed earlier as a demonstration. The purple and white skunk then went over to the rock and with her face she started pushing it about three feet from its original location, moving it even further away from the cave. Jupiter was simply amazed as she eyes started to light up. The bolder itself was about two times bigger than her Pokemon and for her to move it like it’s nothing was truly remarkable to her trainer.

    “This is so cool!” Jupiter exclaimed while as her Pokemon came back to her, she knelt down and petted her head. “Now I can move those pesky rocks around the forest area. Thank you! Now… how should I repay you?”

    “Ah, no need to repay me,” the man started to say. “I’m just happy to help! Well actually you helped me as well since I also didn’t know how to install these machines. Than-“

    Before Steve was about to finish his sentence, Jupiter came up to him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek while putting something in his hand. His face started to get beat red as his eyes widened. He just got kissed and by a beautiful, smart and confident girl to boot. But as he was trying to properly thank her, she took her bag and Pokemon and proceeded to leave into the cave. She left, but she sure was something else. The young man just smiled as he took the folded paper Jupiter put in his hand and opened it. In it, it had her name and number and times where he could call.

    “You’re very welcome, Jupiter,” he said softly. “You are indeed very welcome. And… thank you for helping me.”

    The young man then proceeded into the cave to continue his hike.
  2. Chibi_Muffin

    Chibi_Muffin Smart Cookie

    Here on request. (This is the one you want me to review, right?)

    There's a couple of spelling/grammar mistakes here. Saying 'she was very much indeed gorgeous' sounds a bit awkward; you might want to get rid of the 'much indeed' or the 'very much' from that. You also said 'defiantly' when you should have said 'definitely'. When Machop is sent out, you also said 'reviled' instead of 'revealed'.

    Also, I think you could have written Jupiter here to be more confident, as she is a Team Galactic leader. She stammers at the beginning and seems very nervous and even cries, and this doesn't seem very in character. She would probably be angry at him instead. She does seem to get back in character at the end though, when she pokes fun at Mars. I think it was a bit early to kiss Steve though, since she only just met him and she doesn't seem like the overly friendly type. I'm also wondering why a Commander wouldn't really know about TMs, as they seem kinda basic in training. Is this more of a flashback type of thing? That's one of the ways I can think of to make this work out - this is way before she became a Commander and so she's grown from a grunt since then.

    I love your descriptions though. They are very vivid, and show plenty of personality too, especially when it comes to the Pokemon. Description is certainly a strong point of your writing. I like the Teachy TV segment as well, though I think it would be nice if you explained why Pokemon have to forget moves in that bit as well. Though Jupiter was a bit iffy, Steve seemed like a well written character (he's a grunt, so he's probably not going to be as harsh as the admins).

    So, yeah, just a few typos, and making sure that you get the character's personality just right. But you're getting better, I can see that you're trying, and the writing itself is generally quite good. Just keep trying!
  3. I'm actually replaying Platinum so I could see what your saying about Jupiter being more confident. I am aware she makes snide remarks so that's why I had her make one about Mars (besides the fact that she and Mars don't like each other in this universe). She usually makes remarks about people she doesn't like. The reason why she's stammering because well... she met a cute guy lol who payed attention to her and was patient with her. But no she doesn't cry, he only thought she cried even though she didn't. Jupiter hardly ever cries and if she does, it's serious.

    Oh and Jupiter didn;t really use TMs/HMs that much so I thought she like the grunt had an exeuse not to know these things.

    But thanks for the review <333

    (side note; Jups does alooot of giggling. That giggle pie!)
  4. Ememew

    Ememew Emerald Mew

    I’m afraid I might just be reiterating many of the good points Chibi_Muffin already brought up, but here it goes.
    Um… calling your own story “stupid” doesn’t really give the reader a good impression going into it. Lowering readers’ expectations is usually not a good idea.
    I mentioned before when you were asking for advice about this story that stuff like “the last one there is a rotten egg” is a little childish of a taunt for what I would expect of an organization like Team Rocket, and that betting chores on the outcome “Last one there does the winner’s chores” seems a little more likely. I know you said the “rotten egg” comment was made by a 12-year-old grunt in your VM (likely referring to this point I’d previously made), but you refer to the pair as “young men” here (including the 12-year-old). Try to maintain consistency in description and clarify points within the story itself rather than only to those who ask about it.

    I don’t see why two Team Rocket members in uniform (meaning they’re likely on a mission or at least not acting like civilians) are running around a grassy field. They’re just there without any real reason for it.

    I know you were aiming for a scene of characters running to have a reason for him to literally bump into Jupiter, but they need a reason to be running in the first place for that to make sense, too. What are Team Rocket members doing on Route Six?

    The Six half of Route six should probably be capitalized as well, as it’s part of the route’s proper name.

    Two means the number 2. You want “to” here.

    Guy is a little too informal for description in the narrative.
    I’m not sure about “panic setting in” either, considering they’re running about playfully on a bright, sunny day. The scene is very peaceful and upbeat, so the panic at getting lost in the grass appears unwarranted. Maybe add in thoughts concerned about wild pokémon waiting in the grass to attack or something?

    I’ll let you guess what my suggestion here is, considering Jupiter is stated to be 21.
    Show, don’t tell. How is it trying to intimidate him? Is it growling? Baring it’s fangs? Turing to threaten a spray of skunk fumes?
    Not to be “controlling” or anything, but . . .
    “he said as he had a worried look on his face” seems kind of wordy. Maybe “he said, face full of concern” would sound cleaner?

    Why does he think she’s crying when she’s smiling at him? For that matter, why is she smiling after being knocked onto the ground and injured?

    You often use the term “weird expression” in your work, but you don’t quite explain what a weird expression is. Is it a look on her face the man who bumped into her cannot read, and thus he thinks it’s weird? Is it her expressing that she thinks the gift she was given is weird? What is “weird” about the expression?
    This sort of hints that Jupiter has some rocks in mind that she’d like to move. This would be good foreshadowing if you plan to follow up on it.

    You’d think they might have asked for each others’ names by this point, so you wouldn’t have to keep using alternative terms to describe them. Especially since the Rocket is the point of view character. He would know his own name, so you can use it before he says it aloud.

    Anyway, you need to be consistent in your use of terms. You write Poke ball and Poke-ball (once with and once without a hyphen). As mentioned in other stories, the “é” is especially important if you’re writing anything poké-related as separate words, because otherwise it just looks like the word poke (as in prodding something with a finger) instead of being the first part of terms like poké mart or poké ball.

    You mean “the form of a human shaped Pokémon was revealed” not reviled. Reviled refers to something repulsive or despised. That said, this is passive voice and likely better in active voice “The flash of light from the Poké ball faded, revealing a human shaped Pokémon” might be an alternative.

    It would be better to say “a” fighting stance rather than “the” fighting stance, because there is more than one stance one may take to prepare for a fight.
    I know you’re really resistant to me bringing up the use of this word, but you did state that Jupiter was 21.
    Pokrmon is very obviously misspelled. Always remember to proofread your work to catch things like this.

    Yet another variant of poké ball, written as one word this time. Be more consistent, as you have presented it three different ways within the story so far.
    What is “a hard kind of smile” anyway?

    Eyes scanning up and down her body is fairly objectifying. Perhaps there’s a less creepy way to put this?
    Chibi_Muffin already brought up good points about this phrasing, so I suggest you read them.

    Wait, she’s just been sitting on the ground she was knocked to this entire time? I would think helping her up would be a higher priority than showing her what the move can do.
    Another misspelling already pointed out by Chibi_Muffin. You use defiantly (meaning resistant or rebelliously) when you mean definitely (certainly).
    The sudden shift to Jupiter’s point of view is a little jarring. Had you been switching between them before this may have worked, but going from exclusively the Rocket’s viewpoint until now to being in Jupiter’s head too needs a better transition to pull off effectively.

    Also, “young girl” is an especially inaccurate choice for a 21-year-old, as it makes me think of someone twelve or younger. “Guy” shouldn’t be used in the narrative, either, as it’s a more casual phrasing that should be kept to conversation rather than description. I’ve bolded the other uses of “guy” to point them out to you so you can make the appropriate changes.

    I don’t get where the trouble answering with her name came from, especially since you also reinforce how “simple” the question should be. Her hesitancy makes little sense. Even if he is “cute” as your explanation to Chibi_Muffin says, Jupiter’s established character does not seem the type to become tongue-tied just because she finds the person she’s speaking to attractive.
    The big red . . . spot? You seem to have forgotten the word spot there.
    How is her expression both nervous and unreadable at once?

    I’m not really sure about what the stuntank slamming her head into the floor is about. Is she “facepalming” (without palms) over Jupiter asking about how to use an HM?

    Adding in extra titles to make something seem more “real” is sometimes a good idea. Showing the entire menu this way seems more like taking up space. Some of these are pretty inventive, don’t get me wrong. I’m glad you expanded the lessons available beyond what the Kanto TV had. But I’d shorten this to a smaller list, presented through a character reading off a few options or just “the menu included such topics as . . .” and then listing no more than ten titles or just naming the overall lessons rather than the individual lessons under the different headings.
    This seems a little too flirty for a reaction to someone she’s just met.

    This seems a tad wordy, as “began” and “start” mean more or less the same thing. You don’t need both terms. “The show began” will do nicely on its own.
    Route Nine is the route’s proper name, so the Nine part would also begin with a capital letter. Buff instead of buffed (though you may also try the word “muscular” to avoid repeating the same term two sentences later.

    And that right there is why I always hated the Teachy TV in Fr/Lg. That condescending expectation of a response when he can’t hear you because it’s a recording really irked me. It’s the kind of thing used in kids’ programs, so it is like talking down to someone when presented to anyone older than six or seven.

    But . . . it is what the TV says, not something you added, so I guess I’ll let it go./rant
    Everything up to now had been past tense, so the present tense here is jarring to the reader.

    Another present tense verb managed to sneak its way in here.

    That’s an interesting interpretation of how the move gets from the disk to the pokémon (even if you don’t go into the specifics of how the technology works to teach the move). I’m not sure why there would be a four move limit in a “real world” setting, though.

    Is the menu on a gray static-y screen or a transparent black one? As it’s written, it looks like you’re trying for both.

    I don’t know, the “Hello trainers!

    Let me hear you!” thing seems like something found in programming for 4-year-olds, to be frank.

    So . . . Jupiter already had a TM case but didn’t know how to use a TM? That doesn’t make a lot of sense.

    Iron Tail? A move Stuntank learns via TM in fourth gen? Is the twist ending that she already knows how to use TMs and HMs but was playing dumb? Wha . . .?
    More switches to present tense here.

    She pushed … with her face? Ow. I would have thought that she’d at least stand on her hind legs and push with her forepaws.
    Her eyes started to light up.

    It was instead of it’s to remain past tense.

    So it was foreshadowing, and Jupiter really does have certain rocks in mind. That’s good. Maybe a follow up with what she’s after behind the rocks in “the forest area”?

    maybe “before Steve was able to finish his sentence would work better?
    Kissing a person who is basically a total stranger is a little unusual, to say the least. Why does she kiss him and give him her number after such a brief encounter? The two are perfect strangers.
    But he wasn’t hiking before. He was racing with another grunt who is forgotten about for the rest of the story.

    A “how to use TMs” tutorial is a little odd for a pair of adults, but I could see it working if you explain why they wouldn’t know this before (i.e. Steve was never able to afford a TM until he had one as a gift from a friend), or why stuntank apparently already has TM moves (is Jupiter only feigning ignorance for some reason?).

    The race with the other grunt in the beginning just seems there to give Steve a reason to run into Jupiter. You could remove it and have him running to get out of a rainstorm and not know the difference in the story. You need reasons for your characters to be where they are – and you need to be consistent about it rather than turning a race into a hike within the same story.

    Jupiter and Steve apparently falling in love after such a brief encounter is not very realistic for either of them (less so for Jupiter because she actively kisses a man she’s talked to for all of ten minutes). I’d say if you want to develop a relationship with these characters, you need to do it slowly, over longer intervals of time and multiple meetings, rather than “love at first sight.”

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