The review proper:
Opal, opal, opal...
What an odd choice of color. Couldn't you chose something like sapphire, or ruby, or emerald? Those images come easily to my head, yet opal doesn't really have that effect. I say this only because I can't honestly remember reading Opal's shadow before. I suppose I must have since you remembered me, but it has been only so incredibly long since I was ever invested in the Serebii forums, and that was way back in the waning days of high school.
Well, you did... and you left like, six reviews, I think
(looked it up, actually four). Anyway, I chose opal because:
A.) it was the name of a posthumous character in the story who had a large impact on the version of Ash in that story.
B.) Opal is the birthstone of the month of October, which is the month that this character died and thus kicked off the current plot.
C.) That hazy, indistinct feel was exactly what I wanted to inspire. Opal is a sort of dulled rainbow effect; iridescence in its purest form. It was supposed to represent the intangibility of the character's issues and how difficult it would be for them to get support from each other. Of course, I promptly bungled the handling of this and made the entire story suck as a result =P
That being said, Prologue.
Might I say that you have a way with words? I don't mean dialogue or cliffhangers, but a way with words! Everything you've written in this exposition was incredibly well described. The parallels that you drew from Ash's name to the state of May's maple leaf? Quite ingenious and brilliant if I may say so.
Ahh, finally somebody notices! Thank you, I thought that nobody would see those parallels and the metaphors I was going for through them.
You've chosen the fallen hero archetype, the variant which the hero is thought to be have passed away forever, only to emerge once again with renewed strength. You're writing it with such a greater level of detail that Ash's absense actually seems to have an effect on others! It seems that this level of emotion hasn't commonly been duplicated, and for that it deserves immediate commendation.
Excellent, this is what I've been trying for all along.
I'm a little bit unsure why you wanted to introduce Vincent so soon. I would've personally held him off till a later chapter since this was only the exposition.
I wanted to get the ball rolling a bit early, as one of the complaints of Opal's Shadow was that it was very slow-paced. In hindsight, I probably could have done so, but I like the way it works out.
Chapter 1:
Wow. I'm not sure I like Vince as a person, but I love him as a character! It seems you've really struck a substantial nugget of understanding when you say that Vince is broken inside, just like May is. I think it could also be said that that's a common trait of the over-analytical. I think those who've truly lost something are all the more calculating for it if they try to burry their feelings. The way that Max and Vincent are calculating each other's moves is supremely interesting.
You're picking up on everything I'm trying to do! Excellent, and you've nailed it. That's why I wanted them both to be playing a back-and-forth game of analysis during the battle, and to keep showing their drifting thoughts through asides like Vincent's amazement over the trust Kangaskhan had in May, or Max constantly trying to figure out what makes Vincent tick. It was hard to do both and stay in Max's POV, but I'm glad it came across.
I've always taken issue with the idea of paternalism, which is the paradigm of exposing other people's faults and chastizing them for it. Basically what I mean is that a lot of Pokemon fanfiction usually takes an OP character and gives him monologues that demonstrate why his strategy is flawless and the opponent's is weak in every way. I'm not sure if it's just a self-satisfying way to write battle banter, but for some reason it grinds my gears. I understand it though. In chess, we calculate moves way into the future, examine which trees lead to a "better" position and then say how the opponent obviously made a huge mistake by not seeing it. I guess it's especially hard for me to coast along with reading two characters both doing that to each other.
I don't know how I really did that. The only part that could be construed that way is when Vincent is chewing out Max over they way he beat Houndoom and after he beat Spinda. If I did, would you mind pointing out where, so I know what to avoid later?
Other than that? Stunning, flawless battle descriptions. I see every movement, every dodge, every manouver into a countering mega punch, the burned fur, the Kangaskan's kid, the giant *** Hyper beam, it breaking, the power whip, the collossal dodge, etc, etc. Love it, love it, love it. MOAR
Looks like this is still my specialty. Thanks for validating this.
So wait... Vince is Ash, yes? And an agent of some organization!? Briefing and files? Body guard? Protection? What the flying Fearow is going on. See, here's what's truly interesting about putting words to paper. YOU know who he is, but we don't. WE'VE read a bunch of sub-par return of the hero fics where the hero returns in chapter one. We can't HELP but think that you've done the same since it's practically a mandate of God to write that. Who knows? If he is a red herring, I'd be damned and proud to read something finally truly original.
Why would I just do a typical red herring? That'd be just as boring, in its own way. If I do something to this effect, expect it to have a twist.
But those words... "bloodied rubies"? Godamn. I could steal that straight up.
=D
Thanks so much for this review, Lunar. I'm glad to have someone who sees exactly what I'm trying to do, for what it is. Also for the constructive criticism, which is rare anymore.
GLaDOS Voice: And yes, both of you will get your cake. And you can eat it too.
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