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Cataclysm - oneshot

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by katiekitten, May 17, 2009.

  1. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    This is the third (rather overdue) installment of a oneshot series of mine, detailing a single, devasting event. I'm using these mostly as a sort of practice for, well, general action, as it's a weakness of mine. A practice of pace and timing. So I'd like to apoligise in advance for the unoriginality of the basic plot. xD But yeah. Enjoy. :3


    Cataclysm



    Water trickled in slow rivulets down the old, mortared wall, slipping through the cracks that wound through the stones like clouded tears and pooling silently, relentlessly, at her feet. She could hear their screams, still, in the distance and steadily approaching her, piercing, terrified, agonised; trailing off suddenly, quietly, one by one, as the final wave tore towards the city.

    She knew it was coming, oh god she knew, and it shot fear through her bones and her chest and her straining heart-

    Dragging her swiss-army knife once more against decaying bricks, she scraped desperately at the wall, attempting to loosen the stones enough so that she could remove them and escape from this godforsaken hellhole. If she was going to die - this was not happening, couldn't be – screw it, she wanted it to be at home, surrounded by her family and her pokemon, not in a partially collapsed cellar on the outskirts of celadon waiting to be killed by- by-


    -Silver tongues of flame wreathing and twisting through shattered buildings, licking down freeways – flashes of lightning burning the air and the birds’ shrilling cries as they writhed in flame, forced to plummet- a gargantuan form of stones and ice and fury howling a shriek that shredded anything that remained, including the hovering newscopters-


    She had no idea what the hell was going on- No one did, and her memory scrambled as her knife slipped across the mortar back to the morning, when she was still a sixteen-year old girl, and he was still a seventeen-year old boy. When they'd arranged to meet each other here, and when they'd first confessed to each other, and when they were still-

    A strangled sob broke from her lips, and she continued hacking at the wall, tears welling in her bloodshot, dust-filled eyes and slipping down her cheeks.

    When they were still normal and happy and alive.

    He’d said he’d be waiting.


    -Leaning back, the creature reared and shrieked again, cloven hooves slamming through burning apartments, splinters of stone and glass arcing to the warped tarmac as it paused there a single, lasting second, its call wavering through the billowing smoke and ash, the sickle moon reflected briefly in its glazed, pallid eyes, before it crashed its weight onto all fours once more, the impact sending a rippling shock wave through the earth-


    He must’ve forgotten.

    Catching the edge of the wall as she drew back her arm to gouge again, the knife spun out of her grip, slicing open her palm and skittering across the concrete floor, slipping past the lid of the hastily-blocked well in the center of what remained of the room. Cursing, she cast a wide-eyed, desperate glance back at it before giving up and throwing herself at the bricks instead, beating at the weakened stones with clenched fists, more sobs wracking her throat as she tried to fight her despair.

    Adaline Mathews, I am Adaline Mathews and you are Anthony Kirby, and I lo-

    She slumped forward as she finally succeeded in knocking a brick free, her hands bruised and bleeding, and dragged herself weakly closer, scrambling until she could peer through the gap. Her voice cracked as she took in the sight before her, and her sobs slowly dwindled to a halt, her honeysuckle eyes filled with the devastating beauty that approached, the destruction of the gods so cruelly fair to behold.

    Scooting herself carefully onto her knees, she shivered as a breeze slipped through the gap and caressed her wet cheeks, not removing her gaze from the square of light before her that lit up her grimy, dirty features. Hugging her arms tightly to her chest, she huddled and waited for barely a breath, her shoulders trembling as she faced the inevitable.

    -I love you.

    And then the end.


    Tossing its head, the creature moaned, the sound rumbling and almost alien, light throbbing from the branched antlers that twisted from its head. It stoically surveyed the smouldering city around it as the fires shrank into the distance. Stepping forward until it breached the choked river, it cantered slowly along the bed, each footfall sending tremors rippling through the waves. Ice spread in spindly trails behind it, weaving outwards to the river banks as the legendary forced its way through the water. The wind whispered through its fur as everything caught in the frost's path shivered, subsiding, somehow, into the depths.


    Rebirth.




    Writing song: These Things Take Time; The Smiths. As much as I like it, I was slightly surprsed when this popped into my head. x3
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2009
  2. Praxiteles

    Praxiteles Friendly POKéMON.

    I was drawn by the dust and the screaming, the panic, the vomit, as Radiohead calls it. I do like it. I didn't catch much of your infamous run-ons, so I think you've made progress there. Also, there's the point that this is a flood of panic. Some flood of sentences is only appropriate.

    I have one thing to note though: take good care to see where it's appropriate and where not. In Adaline's thoughts it's quite necessary. While describing some of her desperation and desperate actions it's appropriate. In other cases, such as regarding the beast and its power, the mood calls for different rules of language. For example:

    There is awe here, but I also sense a chilling desolation; in this case the run-ons seem a little out of place. Let the pacing subside a little. The reader's heart, it seems to me, would be better employed here not skittering on in frantic panic, but skipping beats, thudding unnaturally slowly. The writing is best when complimentary to the goal.

    May I ask what the monster is? It seems to be the only pokémon in the story. I have some ideas but my mind is not working on them.
     
  3. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    I quite liked this - short but sweet. And bloody and destructive. =D

    Felt you captured the whole atmosphere well - really felt the panic and all while reading it. The description was nice, and although there are some run-on sentences there, as Lu pointed out it certainly helps add to the story here. Such as this, for instance:
    Here it seemed to work quite well, but I'd have to agree that other times regarding the 'beast', it'd have been better to go without the run-on sentences there. Another instance:
    Didn't quite feel as right for me somehow, although I feel it may be less the run-on-ness of it and the latter part of the sentence on the gap that gaped that feels a bit too much and slightly oddly-mentioned there. =/ But heck, it's well after midnight here so possibly this should be disregarded.

    Also am wondering what the Pokemon was. I'd hazard a guess to something like Arceus, but for some reason the image of a giant Stantler has entered my mind and refused to leave, so I'll consider that being a possibility as well. =P
    I wouldn't really know if they actually are called 'newscopters', but I'll raise it anyway. Can they? XD

    At any rate, good work here - liked the use of pacing and underlying horror within it, along with the atmosphere surrounding it all. Most enjoyable.
     
  4. Bay

    Bay YEAHHHHHHH

    I pretty much agree with both Lu and bobandbill on this one shot. ^^;

    Both pretty much pointed out examples where the run-ons are appropriate (the main character's thoughts), and places where it wasn't (the Armageddon scenes). Here's the thing with me and run-on sentences. If I'm reading a sentence, after finishing that sentence I feel a bit exhausted trying to finish reading it instead of able to comprehend what just happened and not feeling that "woah" effect if there's going to be any. ^^;

    In any case though, I still think you did a great job portraying the girl's desperate attempt to get out and also that Pokemon (will mention my guess in a bit :p) destroying the city. Unlike your other one shots, I can be able to picture the actions more clearly. :)

    One other thing I want to mention is I wish you expanded more on the character's love for Anthony (his name, right? ^^; ). Pretty much all I got is she loves him and those two are young and innocent. Maybe explain why she loves him a lot, maybe have her thought about a memory or two of them together, also how her heart races each time she thinks of him.

    Overall, I quite enjoy this one shot and you improved your action description a lot. :)

    PS- I think the Pokemon's Arceus too. XD
     
  5. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner Peace to the Mountain

    I think there was some great imagery in this, first of all, my particular favorites being the birds falling from the sky, the newscopters stricken and made to fall likewise, and the approaching wave of destruction. Something about the third thing on that list that I thought made it all the more potent somehow was the fact that that's the image that greets Adaline when she finally manages to break through that wall. Despite not doubting in the least that she was totally screwed, the confirmation of her fate provided by that moment still had some potency to it, I thought.

    I enjoyed the previous installments in this series, and the same goes for this latest one. Thanks for posting it. ^^
     
  6. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    I liked it, very well described. The opening line caught my interest and dragged me in. I really enjoyed the entire story, it was just extremely well-written and I'd love to see more from you.
     
  7. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    Thank you all for reviewing, and sorry for the wait! Have had three exams over the last three days, two today - English Literature followed by Statistics. ;___; Talk about painful. On to the reponses!

    Luph: ...You're made of win, you know that, right? xD *squishes* Have edited the pacing problems (can't believe I botched that up - Woops. :x Hope it didn't detract overly much), and thaaaank you! I'm so glad I'm finally working on my run-on problem. xD; I like over extending my sentences all, all too much. I hope you enjoyed it. x3!

    The monster = Arceus, thought it was fitting. *shot* xD;

    Bob: Thank you for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it, and that I got the atmosphere right. x3 I'm overly fascinated by the apocalypse, I know. :x And have edited the scene again (you caught me after my first edit, so I had another go), and took another look at the sentence. Hopefully it's a bit better? Thank you again, hun!

    xD I'm gonig to have to write something containing that now. The apocalypse delivered stag style. :x Yeah, it was Arceus! :3

    *edits* I may have made that word up. :x

    Bay: Thank you, hun! I really appreciate it, and I'm glad you enjoyed it! I've edited it a little to slip a little more of a relationship slant into it - don't want to slow the pace, but you're right, that end does need tying up. I actually nearly put something in when I was writing it the first time, but didn't want her to sound whiny. I've sorted it now, though. x3

    Yep, Arceus it is! xD Am glad I've improved the action scenes, and thank you again!

    Sikeeeeee! *glomps* I really haven't talked to you in ages, sorry for dissapearing on you. Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked the imagery - that is always my favourite part. xD; The ending, as well, I'm glad did have some potency - I can never tell if the endings have the effect I want them to have. >.< I'm glad it struck! *squishes* And thank you again for reviewing!


    TurtwigFan1: Thank you, hun! *hugs and gives cookie* I'm glad I actually managed to grab and keep someone's attention - I always worry about boring people. xD; Thank you again, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. There will be more - I'll make sure of it. *squishes*

    Again, sorry for the waiiit! *hugs and cookies all around*
     
  8. duncan

    duncan Well-Known Member

    Mmm. I read this at first when you posted it, but reading through it again it seemed even better. Run-ons weren't really a problem (just a couple that I saw), and to be honest I really can't find anything to criticise. The pacing was excellent, the apocalyptic vibe was great (you and I both love these types of stories), and Adaline's reactions and thoughts were really nicely done.

    I absolutely loved the imagery, particularly where Arceus walked ice spread out from where it stepped. Same for when everything was anhilated. The end was perfect as well, I thought it was perfect. The theme of destruction leading to rebirth is always something I enjoy, and I think you did it particularly well here.

    In all, fantastic job. It definitely left me feeling very envious of your writing skills, as always.
     
  9. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    *smothers the duncan in cookies* x3

    Who can't love exploring the end of the world? x3 It's rediculously fun to write.

    ...You, envy me? I still can't get over the fact of how damn good TEN is. o____o *may be slowly reading it to catch up* You put me to shame, hun. *squishes* I'm glad you liked it, though, especially the ending. Am glad I found a conclusive tie for it all.

    Cookie? *offers one* :D
     

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