Cerinia: Scavengers of the empire

[Guitar dude bill]

Cerinia: Scavengers of the Empire
Rated PG-13
Prologue: More money needed
It was midday in the dirt brown pub. Many people were smoking small pipes. The grey air went over most of the pub. It blinded some of the brown. A black haired man was playing with cards. His brown eyes concentrated on the card. He scratched his short, spiky hair trying to focus his mind to think what to do. He rubbed his tan face and decided. The man took in a deep breath and put two blue swirled cards towards the centre of the round, brown table.

“Two queens,” the man said in an exhausted voice. A blond man with slim hair put on a confused look on his white face. He looked down at his light blue armoured vest.

“Cheat!” a ginger haired man snapped. He used his white hand to toss two cards with ladies with black hats on.

“I guess that means I win?” said the blond man. “I’ve lost all my cards. Better luck next time Marcus.”

The blonde man started laughing. Marcus decided that he would think of a way to stop him laughing.

“You may have beaten me in cards, Tom, but I saved you when we were capturing that sea monster!” Tom stopped laughing.

“You nearly killed that thing!” Tom snapped.

“Yeah well we got it in the end.” Marcus shrugged his shoulders

“Anyway; back to the subject we should be on,” Tom said. “We can’t get enough money just by catching and turning in a few thieves anymore.”

“So, what do you intend we do about it?” asked Marcus. He leaned back in his brown chair touching his netted armour and dark green metal stomach armour.

“Shall I just get this briefly? Bronanz’s; we need more of them.” The ginger and spiky haired one rocked his ocean blue robe came with it.

“So-we basically need to get a high stake job to be rich again?”

“Exactly Taylor!” pointed out Tom. “Marcus will go to Tearrat and check if there’s any high stake job to get. Probably something to do with those Krawna barbarians, the city’s having trouble with those muscle men all the time!”

“Alright I’ll do it. But this had better get us a real high amount of money or else I’m out of this group!”
“Oh you will Marcus, you will,” said another blonde man confidently.

“Thanks for making me feel confident about that Mick, but it won’t help very much.” Mick’s brown eyes just stared at him. Marcus picked up his silver helmet and put it on his head. He grabbed his circular grey shield. He swirled around along with his iron netted cape; and departed the pub. The other bounty hunters waved.

Marcus walked across the sandy path because the gate meant he couldn’t get straight to the light green grass. Marcus opened the wooden gate; and went onto the grass. The sun shined so bright on the grass. It looked so light. Marcus stepped over with his metal shoes to the sand caged with large wooden spears. Marcus dashed to the sandy entrance. He laid his feet beside the wooden gate. He grabbed the copper padlock. He fiddled about with it until suddenly. A clicking noise came and the wooden gate swiftly moved aside. Marcus cautiously walked into the stable. He drew out his silver sword in case there were any thieves around the area. The stable was full of horses, some black, some white. He went up to a black and hairy horse with steel hard feet. Marcus lightly stabbed the ropes holding the horse. The horse stood for a short period and went back down again. Marcus jumped onto the furry creature.

“Let’s go Alice,” Marcus mumbled. The horse slowly trotted out of the stable and down the path. They were heading into a forest. There were trees with dark ends at the top. Marcus and his horse slowly disappeared into the thick of the forest.
End of chapter

So what do you think? Say what was good, what was bad and what needs improving. Just don’t flame or bash.

 

[pisces_beedrill]

okay, here is my review.
negative
1} very rushed
2} little description
3} no title(is it a prologue, chapter 1???)

positive
1} has potential
2} very well done
3} good plot

 

[Guitar dude bill]

Thanks for pointing out the title problem. I've added it now. I know it was rushed. I just needed to get the characters introduced. The next chapter won't be so rushed. Trust me. Thanks anyway. What do you mean by it was well done? And by it has potential?

 

[Ledian_X]

Well,

I gotta say this has potential. That means that it can be a really good story or a really bad one. This could be good but you shoul work on length, character development and introduction and probably more dialog to explain the situation. It might be a good idea too, to think up a way to introduce the setting and the plot. We have no idea wherew they are. Just a bar. But, what city is it in? What era is it?

After reading it and rereading it, I was a little lost in where the story was. I know it's an introduction preview but there's something missing from the beginning and I can't put my finger on it. Either way, it's a decent tale. You just need to work on the description like people said. Just work on the things pisces mentioned and you should be okay.

LX

 

[Guitar dude bill]

How long do you reccomend I make the next chapter? It's about 2 1/2 pages on MS word at the moment. How long do you reccomend for the next chapter. I didn't delete that last post and post this one to bump it. I just thought this question was more important to ask.

 

[Guitar dude bill]

Here's the next chapter. If you were a member of my forums you would have seen it an hour ago lol. Anyway here it is. Oh and sorry for double posting
Note: This chapter contains blood and swearing. So there’s a warning before you read it.
Chapter one: Walking in the woods.
Alice galloped her fetlocks elegantly through the dark forest, with Marcus clutching the leather handles, riding it. He was equipped with his heavy armour stacked over his entire body.

Aquatic drips were falling into the ground from the dark green leaves of the trees.

A brown liquid was splashing everywhere from the impact of the feet of the horse.

The feet of the horse were making the grass go flat due to the squashing of the horse’s feet. The feet metal was getting very dirty. Reason being the horse’s legs were rampaging over the ground.

Alice was galloping with pride across the ground. There was much grass lining the path all over it. Alice began slowing her body down, going into pausing. She then froze her body into an immediate halt.

Marcus slid his body off Alice. He fell through the air into the ground.

Marcus twisted his body into a sitting position. He grabbed his stainless helmet with his hands, and removed it from his head.

Marcus’s black, spiky hair had gone a bit messed up now. Reason being the helmet had been on his head for a long time.

Marcus’s armour skirt he wore at the bottom of his waist went mildly tan because of the mud that lay beneath the grass. Marcus grabbed a green, leather bag attached to his black horse. He removed it from the horse’s fur.

The bag was attached right next to a square, white shield attached to a handle hanging from the horse’s saddle.

Marcus shoved his left hand deep into the leather bag.

Marcus shuffled his hand around the items in the bag. He managed to get a grip of something that he found in the bag his hand was in.

Marcus slowly raised his hand up. Lifting his hand back out the bag’s inside.

Marcus pulled a thick, green, sausage-like thing out of the bag at the raising of his hand.

Marcus rolled the sausage out, revealing a picnic rug. It showed red marks lying everywhere on the rug. There were also white lines set up like co-ordinates.

Meanwhile, two muscular figures were hopping through the tree branches with their legs landing on the branches in the treetops.
The creatures were difficult to be visible to Marcus’s vision. Reason being was their verdant body was camouflaged by the tree leaves as they were the exact same colour.

The creatures were armed with small, wooden bows and arrows in a pack lying on the blade of their shoulder.

The creatures could jump quite high due to their shortness. They stopped jumping when they came to a branch. They put their arms behind and got out an arrow from their oval pack. They inserted the arrow into the aim; and took aim.

Marcus slid his body onto the rug. The tanned scavenger turned his body. He faced the bag with his brown eyes staring at it.

Marcus moved his hands to the bag and inserted them back in the leather bag. He shuffled them about again; his hands were whirling around it again. Marcus raised his hands out of the bag; pulling out a bone with some brown meet at the end.

Marcus fiercely shoved his sharp teeth into the chewy meat, and started chewing on it.

Marcus tilted his head up to the treetops. His vision told him there were two short creatures with supremely muscular arms high in the treetops. They were verdant green with their muscular fingers on the string holding their sharp arrows ready to fire. They wore flaming red vests.

The two creatures plucked their strings; and the arrows went flying.

The arrows went flying through the air like a lighting bolt towards Marcus. But he had a plan to get out of the situation.

Marcus rolled to the left; off the picnic rug. The roll inflicted mud covering a small portion of his armour and body.

Marcus whipped his hands’ tanned fingers to rip the square, iron shield off his black, furry horse using the handle. Marcus slipped his tanned fingers through the shield handle.

Marcus had the shield held up in a fighting stance; ready for battle.

Marcus re-inserted his stainless helmet back onto his black hair; covering it up.

“Man I hate these ****ing Orcs,” Marcus grumbled to himself grumpily.

The arrows hit the picnic rug right next to each other, lined up in the centre of the rug. They had penetrated through into the mud, adding brown blobs of mud into their sharp heads.

Marcus slowly lifted his feet and moved them backwards. His brown eyes were narrowed at the Orcs with contempt.

Marcus spun his body around the forest and lifted his feet, forwarding them through the forest. His metal sandals were browning up from the forest mud as they landed in the muddy grass. This ****ing forest is like a ****ing swamp, came into Marcus’s mind. His feet were travelling him through the forest path.

Marcus wasn’t too worried; these Orcs had low chances of killing him. But Marcus was still careful and cautious while avoiding these Orcs.

The reason the Orcs probably wouldn’t kill him was because he was well armed: a pack of twenty throwing knives, two climbing knives, five orange, canisters of fire, a steel sword, a stainless helmet and a square, iron shield.

The Orcs were shooting their bodies making them fly through the treetops in an attempt to pursue the tanned hunter. They were camouflaging themselves in the green darkness of the tree bushes. They eventually reloaded their short bows, getting their hands behind their back and inserting them in the aim.

Marcus continued to sprint himself through the path, in an attempt to get to the end of the forest. An arrow flew out of the treetops somewhere. Marcus spun himself around like a thunder bolt. The arrow was flying hard towards him. He whacked his shield at the arrow making it go flying to the side. It was spinning around when it fell into the grass in the ground.

Marcus couldn’t find the Orcs. He skimmed his eyes over the forest attempting to see the Orcs. He eventually saw them with their short bows on a tree branch.

Marcus didn’t hesitate. He rashly grabbed a throwing knife from his bag and without even aiming at the Orc, tossed it towards it.

Marcus threw the knife without even thinking or aiming. Due to his rash actions; the knife missed. But the knife was of some decent use. It hit the branch making a mark in the branch, causing it to bend. The Orcs slid on their feet, scratching the base painfully. They went down the branch of bark, falling onto the ground landing hard on their feet.

They lost the grip they possessed of their short bows. Therefore their short bows flew into the thick of forest trees and were lost forever more.

On the forest ground, the Orcs looked unarmed from was Marcus could visualise. But they gave him a surprise at what they did.

The Orcs waved their arms behind their backs; like they were about to scratch themselves. Marcus stared with his eyes suspiciously at the two green creatures. They whipped up their arms revealing a spiky mace and held it up high; ready for a fainting strike.

The Orcs started waddling over the grass, their maces ready to strike, towards Marcus.

Marcus didn’t hesitate. He lifted his feet up and pushed his feet backwards; landing them on the ground. Marcus grabbed the handle of his sword at this belt. He drew it from his belt, holding it in a stabbing position but behind his body.

One of the green Orcs was up to length with Marcus. He made his mace fly towards Marcus’s armour. The mace made contact with his iron skirt, very slightly, damaging its defensive layer of metal.

Marcus swiped his sword at the Orc; the blade hit and cut the small head of the Orc, leaving it separated from each other. A green liquid oozed out of the separation of the neck and the body.

Marcus was glad that the Orc had died; but it wasn’t over yet. He still needed to defeat the other Orc, but it wouldn’t be hard. Marcus held his sword up high, staring with contempt at the waddling Orc.

“Prepare to meet your doom,” Marcus said angrily.

Marcus let the blade of his sword fall into the head of the Orc. The Orc looked up at the blade coming down onto him. He knew he was about to perish.

The steel blade sliced easily through the Orc, cutting it in half. The green liquid oozed out forming into a puddle that the Orc lay in.

Marcus stared at the blood angrily, he was out of all the breath he had. So to replace the breath; started panting. He was relieved that he managed to make the Orcs met their demise. He slowly turned around, while panting rapidly.

“ALICE,” Marcus called, his voice echoing through the forest, “COME HERE.”

Marcus heard galloping sounds of feet hitting the ground in the distance. It was coming like a stone beast. He eventually saw the oil, black horse elegantly galloping moving its legs high in the middle of the time for the next gallop. Alice was a black horse; therefore she could manoeuvre faster then white horses.

“Those Orcs should be executed at the arena!” hissed Marcus. “They should also make sure that there are NONE in the rest of Cerinia.”

Alice stared at Marcus; he was trying to gain back his breath by leaning down with his arms resting on his skirt. “Ah well, it’ll happen soon; let’s just go now,” Marcus said, relieved.

Marcus clicked his fingers. Alice knew the sign of finger clicking from her owner. She slowly began to trot her fetlocks towards him. Marcus’s hand was beckoning at her face with his index finger.

Alice halted in her trotting towards her owner; she had landed right in front of her owner’s feet. Marcus tilted his chin, moving his tanned head upwards towards his horse; his brown eyes narrowly staring at her dark fur. He slammed his hands, his fingers wide out, on the crimson saddle lying on the horse’s back.

Marcus clutched the crimson saddle tightly, his tanned fingers pinching it. The tight squeeze of his fingers brought the black fur up. Marcus pushed his hands down on the saddle, the intensity of the push made Marcus go flying through the air, onto the saddle. His muscular legs flew with his body.

Marcus’s buttocks landed hard on the saddle, his legs slipping down the side; scratching the fur of the horse. The sandal fell through landing in the air like a glass floor at a higher level. Some dirt dusted off onto the floor, like soothing sand falling from the air.

Marcus lashed Alice with the leather handle ropes.

“Take it slow, Alice; you know I’m not a good rider,” mumbled Marcus.

Alice slowly started trotting across the ground, her feet low on the ground.

A branch fell somewhere in the forest. Marcus didn’t see it, but heard it. The intense sound echoed inside Marcus’s ear drum, vibrating like a buzzer. The volume of the crash made Alice go mad; she couldn’t stand loud noises.

She cried her voice into pure volume, even higher than the crash. At the time she was standing up like a real human being, madly waving her front legs around like arms.

Alice re-landed her fetlocks on the ground and started galloping at high speed across the forest. Marcus was jiggling about on the horse. He was tightly gripping the handle. He managed it well for a small period of time; but eventually lost his grip.

Marcus’s body flew off the horse, descending into the ground. He squashed the grass flat with his strong back.

Marcus leaned up a bit, his arms pushing on the ground. He pushed himself hard with his arms, attempting to get back to his feet.

Marcus pushed his arms on the ground, twisting his feet around to hit the ground straight with the sandal base. He bent his legs up; he was standing up on the ground again.

Marcus’s legs were straight and muscular, ready to run after Alice.

Marcus was a good runner, it was one of the skills he had. He gained it in his training. Being a bounty hunter needs good speed.

Marcus moved his legs up and down, splashing mud due to the impact of the foot landing heavily on the ground. He forwarded them across the ground.

Marcus ran fast through the forest. Alice was still far ahead though.

Marcus ran like a tiger through the forest. Although he was used to running fast; this fast was difficult for him. He was in heavy armour for protection. The weight of the armour stacking him was inflicting a major decrease of speed. If he was in no armour he would be running like the wind.

Marcus kept running for a little while. Eventually he just lost his breath though.

Marcus kneeled down to pant again. He knew he wouldn’t have to run much longer; he was nearly at the end of the forest. So he decided to walk

Marcus narrowed his eyes, staring at the forest end.

“I hope Alice is okay,” Marcus mumbled. He had great fear that Alice was gone.

Marcus kept walking into the light of the forest outskirts.

 

[pisces_beedrill]

very nice, very controlled, very easy to uderstand but isn't orcs from lord of the rings?

and

“Prepare to meet your doom,” Marcus said angrily

is so corny!

overall, well done.

things to improve on
1) description
2) names {let them symbolise stuff and not be copied from summing else}
3) vividness {i can imagine a lot, but the area in which he is in and the orcs colour e.t.c. has lost me}

that is it. well done though

 

[Guitar dude bill]

No Orcs aren't from Lord of the rings. Well they are but. They were an already created fantasy creature. They were in my favourite book. So no I didn't steal Orcs from lord of the rings. They're already a well known fantasy creature.
You'll probably say the name of a character in one of the future chapters lol. But thanks anyway. I'll work on description.
EDIT: Orcs are also a warhammer race.

 

[mindripper]

The blonde man started laughing. Marcus decided that he would think of a way to stop him laughing.

I realise that is wat Marcus had in mind, but it sounded really childish to me. Get what I mean?

Aquatic drips were falling into the ground from the dark green leaves of the trees.

I am not sure if "aquatic drops" is the right way to describe things here. The connotation is just not prevalent enough.

“I hope Alice is okay,” Marcus mumbled. He had great fear that Alice was gone.

Show more emotion here. From what you wrote, I got the impression that Marcus could have been talking about the sports news or some other totally unimportant thing. If he had great fear, showcase him having great fear. Have his voice tremble, or cold sweat run down his cheek. Use your imagination and how you would feel in a similar situation.

Other than that, I get the impression that you are racing through your writing, which is not a good thing, as you are not giving the plot time to settle. The dialogue is pretty ordinary at times, and does not really do much to stir the imagination, but that can be improved with realism.

By the way, if I am not wrong, LOTR was the first work to conceive orcs, as well as their origins. Other fantasy works basically realised that they made a good horde enemy and followed suit.

 

[pisces_beedrill]

oh, i see. nvm. but some lines are so corny, but it was real good!

 

[Guitar dude bill]

OK TY for the advice guys.
Sorry for making Marcus sound evil.
This is a bit of a spoiler but [SPOIL]The emperor[/SPOIL] might say alot of corny lines.
Mindripper, sorry I didn't know Orcs were originally from LOTR. I mainly got them from warhammer and my favourite book. I'll try adding more emotion into Marcus. I'll start writing the next chapter now. Actually I'll get a banner for it first.

 

[Ejunknown]

Ok, I read the prologue and chapter one. It was a little confusing at the beginning, but I think I have the gist of it.

Good Points

¬ Interesting, pretty much unique idea.
¬ Ok description.

Bad Points

¬ At the beginning who was speaking was a little confusing. Next time maybe try to make that clearer by giving each character a defining characteristic, eg. A scar running down half of one's face.
¬ In the first chapter, although you used quite a lot of description, it was all in short sentences. That jolts the reader out of the story and doesn't make it flow. To fix this, you should try to used some conjuntions. An example of this is:

Marcus leaned up a bit, his hands bracing against the ground, before pushing hard upwards with his arms, attempting to get back to his feet.

¬ In the first chapter, you repeated yourself a lot. I can tell that you were trying to remind people of what the character was really doing, but it was a bit much and you don't need to. An example I took from your work is this:

Marcus shoved his left hand deep into the leather bag.

Marcus shuffled his hand around the items in the bag. He managed to get a grip of something that he found in the bag his hand was in.

We know his hand is in the bag. You didn't need to tell us again.

All in all, it was pretty good. Sort out what needs improving, and this should turn into a really good fic.

 

[Ledian_X]

Well, I finally got around to reading this chapter like I said I was going to and I got to say it's a little better. It's less confusing now but there could be something missing that I'm not seeing. I can't put my finger on it. The dialog's better and so is the description. Either way, I'll figure it out later but you have a great story here so far. Keep up the good work. Just watch out for run on sentences and try to make pragraphs a little longer. It'd be nice to see a longer chapter with detail.

I was a little confused with the action and yeah I agree that maybe each character should be a bit different. Maybe that's what I wasn't seeing. Anyway, it's a good start. Just try to have someone beta it too. Might be a good idea ya know. Someone'd be glad to help.

LX

 

[Shiny_deoxys]

Well, reviewing as requested. I liked it, even though I rarely read non-pokemon fics. It was no masterpiece, but it was well done. I only had two things I had to gripe about in this.

The first one was that you wrote Marcus, Marcus, Marcus, again and again. Unless that's your style, I would suggest that you cut back, use different things like, "The warrior," or use "He" and "Him" just a bit more. We know that it is Marcus, you don't have to keep retelling it.

That leads to the second thing, there is too much telling the reader what to think and not enough space to let them imagine their own things. We don't need to be reminded of the things that we know are happening. Just continue with the flow and trust the reader.

One suggestion I have for you is that you let someone else read it before you post it. Then, small things you may not have noticed will become clear to you. Good luck in future chapters.

S.D.

 

[Jetx]

meh review

I owed this to you, so here it is. I'm gonna be pretty negative although I really liked this chapter. I'll start with I what I really hated. I think SD mentioned it but I didn't read that review much.
...
Well I just read it now and he mentioned it briefly. I think overused certain words, especialy at the beggining. And I got really annoyed eventualy with the 'tanned fingers', you said it like... 4 times. The other one was. 'Reason being' oh and you also overused Marcus. A bit more 'he' could have been needed.

Now I'll do the other stuff.

Aquatic drips were falling into the ground

Aquatic is a very bad word to use in that way. Try 'clear' and replace 'drips' with 'drops'

A brown liquid was splashing

If that was mud, I suggest you say 'squelching mud' rather than brown liquid. Because technicaly, mud isn't a liquid.

into the chewy meat, and started chewing on it.

I think that part needs a different describing word.
Oh and of course, like Ejunknown said, you keep telling us the same thing again and again...

Now possitive.

94% original, LOL. In other words, very original.
Good description, everything described well, but just don't overdescribe the same thing.
Very entertaining.
Good supence.

And most importantly of all. I'll rip your head off if you don't get Alice saved! LOL.
Looking forward to chapter 2.

 

[Naraku_Diabolos]

Off topic for a second: Hey Ledian X, do you remember a guy name Saturos on The PokeMaster forums? I'm Saturos, just a different screen name on here.

On topic:

Blingin-G, very original concept and plot. Do you have a plot line on your computer for the story? Just type some quick notes to jot down so that your story can be well planned.

Orcs, however, were in European mythology. Along with Norway's goblins and trolls.

Orcs on FFXI are Beastmen. They specialize in all of the character jobs too, except for Summoner, Ninja, Samurai, and Bard (I think).

Blingin-G, you should put this in your fanfic -- Orcs track prey and their targets by scent. In the game, if you get aggro by an Orc, you just have to walk through a stream in the surrounding area. They lose your scent upon a running water.

Your character, could have special medicines that can cloak his odor as well. FFXI has Deodorize and such to do that. There's even a potion that negates odor. So you should really consider Marcus needing some way to mask his scent from the Orcs.

 

[~*Ratiosu*~]

Hmm...some of the sentences were a bit choppy. You pointed out certain things more than needed. Try to imagine them in your head. Then write them down on paper...like if you want to say:

"Deoxys was a Pokemon. Deoxys flew. Deoxys looked down."

Well, to correct my own sentence, Deoxys was used way too many times. Ya wanna make sure you start with a different word nearly every time. Correct sentence:

"The Pokemon known as Deoxys flew over the city, and shifted its view below."

Like that. Try that with your own sentences.

Overall, pretty good.

Rating: ;381; ;381; ;381;

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

I am SO sorry for not reviewing before this!! ...actually, I DID try before... but through a misclick of SHEER STUPIDITY, a link opened in the window I was writing the review it... I hit the back button, but I'd lost a LOT of it... and couldn't be bothered re-doing it until now... >< for shame... ANYWAY, here's hoping you'll forgive me and find what I put here useful.

Y'know... there's two points that I notice most about your story - Firstly, your flow - that is, the smoothness of your sentences and presentation of ideas - is rather choppy to the point that it makes your story hard to read... but the second point is that you seem to have a highly detailed and artistic visualisation of the action and characters. It occurs to me that if you can only kick the tattered joltiness of your phrasing and aim to put the same artistry you've shown in your visual imagination into your actual writing, your work will be stunning.

What I mean about your wording is kind of hard to explain, but I think it's to do with the natural lilt of the English language. When you speak, certain syllables and words are emphasised - if you mess with the flow, your wording becomes jerky and distracting. I also reckon the multitude of short sentences is making your story read as if it's chopped into little bits. Try presenting your ideas more fluidly so that there's fewer hiccups from one idea to another. A full stop acts as a sort of 'breath' between ideas. It separates them very clearly and very finally. Yet the ideas you have are so similar they don't need to be separated. Meh, I think you get the idea now. As almost everyone else reviewing before me has said, try to use longer sentences wiht more conjunctions.

Another little point I found was the actual wording you're using. Where's that quote... aha!

The feet of the horse were making the grass go flat due to the squashing of the horse’s feet. The feet metal was getting very dirty. Reason being the horse’s legs were rampaging over the ground.

The first sentece in particular has several problems, IMO. 'The feet of the horse' could simply be called 'hoofs' or 'horse's hoofs'. By talking about a single concept with lots of itty bitty words has the same effect as using small words in a paragraph - it chops things up and interrupts the flow of reading to piece together the meaning. Again, 'making the grass go flat' could be reduced to 'flattening the grass'. Then comes the needless repetition - you've used 'feet' twice in the same sentence. IMO, that's a no-no. Apart making you look like you have a little vocabulary, it just sounds rather silly. Plus, you don't need to say 'due to...etc'. You could collapse that entire sentence to:

"The horse's hoofs were flattening the grass".

Except that it doesn't sound so great. That's where the 'artistry' comes in. You need to flesh this sentence out so that the reader can get more of the gorgeous imagery that I suspect was playing in front of your eyes as you wrote this. But now you have to capture that feeling, that sound and that sight and convey it to your readers with words. I get the feeling that you can visualise better than I can, but I'd try something like this:

"With every pounding thump of the horse's hoofs, the turf beneath beast and rider grew flatter, compacting the fragile grass stems and heavy loam together into a single crushed mush."

Or something to that effect. Meh, tinker at the sentences as you will. That's part of the most aggravating fun of writing. Sometimes, you'll come across a real gem of wording, others, you'll fiddle and mess and hammer at it, but it still won't sound the way you want it. Ah well. Such is writing.

Just another point before I move on... 'feet metal' - you mean horse shoes, right? Cause IMO, if you're setting your story in a world where horseriding and horses are a big part of everyday life for your characters, it's probably a good idea to brush up on the terminology. For one, it makes you look like you know what you're talking about and for another, it adds an extra touch of the characters' lives to the reader. (Incidentally, I DIDN'T know what 'fetlocks' were (another point, don't use terminology your readers WON'T understand) and looked it up on dictionary.com. I think the way you've used it might be lightly out of context. Or if you meant it that way, perhaps pick another word.)

With regards to the actual content of your fic - it reminds me of the epic fantasy stories I read when I was younger (I pretty much grew out of fantasy). I think you're getting the same mysterious, alluring quality that professional authors have but, as I said earlier, the way you express it needs work.

And you know what else? I liked the orcs. The way you described them made me think 'fat and waddling... squat... JUST LIKE DUCKIES!!!!' So naturally I pictured them waddling in a line down to the pond and felt quite distressed when they got killed. *tear* Actually, I don't really like stories where things get killed. (Yah, pathetically soft and dull.... but I still feel sorry for practically everything that ends up dead.) That's another thing - pick the words you choose to describe things. You want to create a bias when you write. If you pick words carefully so that they don't remind people of other things. 'Waddling', for example, reminds me very strongly of ducks and ducklings. So unless you want me thinking 'DUCKLINGS OH HOW CUTE!!!' everytime your orcs make an entrance, I suggest you try something different. 'Shuffling', perhaps. 'Squat' is fine, but 'squat' + 'waddling' makes me think of chubby, adorable water birds. Sorry. It just does. Probably because so many people before just automatically describe ducks as 'waddling' and 'fat'. And even 'fat' can be used affectionately. If you want something nasty to be overweight, mebbe try 'flabby' or 'bulging'. See? Different words have different connotations. Just be careful which ones you pick or you make be adding traces of 'cute and cuddly' to what you want to be 'despicable and violent'. ^^;;;;;;;;;;

Anyway, youv'e got an amazing beginning here. I really got a sense that you can imagine your story in beautiful detail and watch it play out before your eyes. That's an incredible talent and a great help when writing. If you can only get the distracting technical stuff out of the way and make sure that you express what you see with clarity and aesthetics, you'll do well. Mebbe try longer sentences and words to replace the myriad of little ones you have. That'd be a great start.

Hopefully, somewhere amongst this mess of prattle and over explanation (another useful point to avoid. Trust your readers - they know more than you think they would.) you'll find something useful that will make up for the horrendously long wait I put you through. Again, I'm very sorry for that. If you want more of a review or explanation for anything I've said here, just PM me. Be warned, though. I rated COUNT 'G' for a reason. I dislike violence, etc, and probably won't wanna continue reading your story if there's more killings and such in store. And fantasy as a genre ... I've rather grown out of it. >< Sorry. Dull and pathetic, perhaps, but I don't see that changing any time soon. At any rate, good luck, have fun with next chapter and remember: You have talent. Use it well and wisely!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Guitar dude bill]

Thanks for the advice guys. This'll get a lack of updates 'cuz my labtop's down and well, my files are on there. As soon as my computer's back up, I'll give you guys a preview and continue writing it.

 

[Exel 4.0]

I read the first chapter and half of the second. I could already spot some major mistakes that need to be delt with immediatly.

Before I start my list, let me just say that some problems in this are very hard to spot, and you may not know what I'm talking about.

First off, the description. It's not that you don't use enough of it (though you don't, just for the record), it's that you use it thw wrong way. In about every long paragraph, you describe things by putting an adjective in front a noun (the first paragraph has plenty of examples). This is good in small portions, but terrible when using it as much as you have (compare it to salt). Instead, try either basing a single paragraph on describing something or bring the information out nice and slowly. Slower than you were doing it, anyway.

Another problem is your use of Marcus's name. Sure, you only used it once per paragraph, but that is still too much. Try coming up with a replacement for Marcus, such as 'the warrior', 'the adventurer', or simply 'he' (don't stress that last one).

Here's a little trick for your writing: write the next chapter, read it as if you're reading an actual book, ask yourself 'how is this different from a book', and then change those differences.

But, overall, this does have potential...