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Changes of Heart(PG) Infraredshipping - Mars x Dawn(Hikari)

Shadow Ichigo

Left On A Journey
Hello everyone^^. This is my first Yuri shipping Story. Hope you guys like. Please be honest about this story. Well Enjoy^^

Edit: Alright I re-edited my story. I like to thank MassivePanda for helping me for this story. Thank You^^




Changes of Heart

Chapter 1: Happy Go Lucky Mars


After the huge disaster on Mt. Coronet. Peace had returned to the land of Sinnoh region. But a certain leader went completely mad after that battle with Dawn and others. When that happened, Cyrus went to a secret lab that no one knew about and not even his own organization knew about it. But he didn’t realize that Mars and Jupiter had followed him to his secret lab.

” He he he…those dang brats spoiled my plans…he he he” said Cyrus in a creepy and scary voice. As Cyrus went inside, Mars and Jupiter were spying on him behind the rocks.

“Wow I think the boss went screwy after that final battle” said Mars.

“Yeah you got a point there. Lets go see what he’s up to” said Jupiter. Both Mars and Jupiter had entered Cyrus’s secret lab. When they got in, they saw some machine that they never seen before. Some were too rusted. Others were broken down and thrashed. And also some were too disturbing and creepy to describe.

” Jeez don’t tell me that the boss is some insane mad scientist” said Mars.

” Looks like it….lets keep going and see what he’s up to” Jupiter answered back.

While wandering inside the lab, Mars and Jupiter saw a bright light at the end of the hallway and went down to see what it was. When they got to the end of the hallway, they saw Cyrus laughing insanity and was smashing every invention that he made.” Gahhhhhhhh!!…Curse this pathetic world!!!!….Darn you all!!!!!” shouted Cyrus. “Maybe I could changes those brats good side to evil….he he he he…..that’s perfect…my Yin & Yang Machine will changes those brats hearts to darkness and hatred…pure genius AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!” shouted Cyrus with that insane evil laugh.

“….but first I need a test subject to see if my machine works….how about you two…MARS AND JUPITER!!!!!!!” Shouted Cyrus.” Oh no he knows we’re here. Lets get out of here quick now!” said Jupiter. As Mars and Jupiter ran off to the exist, Cyrus sent his Weavile to capture them. Cyrus’s Weavile used Ice Beam on the ground and Caused Mars to slip and crashed into the machines.” Noo!! Mars come on get up!!” shouted Jupiter.

“No you go on without me Jupiter. Save yourself. Tell Saturn and the others to get away from Cyrus before its too late!” said Mars. As Jupiter ran off to the exist, Cyrus caught up to Mars and captured her.

“Let me go Cyrus. I don’t want to be your test subject!” shouted Mars.

“Ohhhh what’s wrong Mars? Don’t you want to be pure evil my dear?” asked Cyrus.

” I’m already evil as it is” cried Mars.

Mars tries her best to escape from him but Cyrus had a strong grip on her wouldn’t let Mars go. Mars kicks Cyrus’s left leg and run’s away.” Almost at the exist” said Mars. By the time she got. Cyrus’s Weavile block the door. Cyrus’s Weavile used Ice Beam on both Mars’s hands and legs. Cyrus came running and grabbed her.


When Cyrus and Mars got into the room, Cyrus strapped Mars onto the table and pointed the laser at her. “Hmmmmm…it looks like it can only make one shot….he he he close enough…” said Cyrus.

” Cyrus this is madness. You can’t do this to me. Please come back to your senses” said Mars.

“Not a chance!! Now my Machine!! Turn this woman’s heart into pure darkness and HATRED!!!!!!”. Cyrus pulled the switch and the laser had shot into Mars’s heart. As Mars felt the laser beam striking her heart, The pain and suffering caused her to scream in agony.

“Please Cyrus Stop this!!!! Its Hurts!!!!” Screamed Mars.

“NEVER!!!!! FULL POWER!!!!!” Shouting Cyrus. Cyrus put the machine full power and cause serious intense pain on Mars and screamed even more agony. The terrible pain of electricity striking her heart.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!!!!!” screamed Mars.

When Jupiter finally made it out of the secret lab, she heard the terrified scream from Mars in the Lab. She wanted to go back and help her but she knew that Mars wanted her to tell the others to warn them about Cyrus going mad.

2 weeks had passed after that horrible accident at the secret lab. Hikari and the gang are now having a relaxing time at the Resort Area.” After beating the Gym with some tough training, I'm exhausted!” said Kenta.

“You got that right. But now we can relax and take a nice long break. Right Pikachu?” Satoshi asking Pikachu.

” Pika Pi Pikachu! (You bet Satoshi)” said Pikachu.

“Hey Kenta. Would you like to eat lunch with me at the ball room?” Asked Nozomi.

“Sure Nozomi. Alright we’ll see you later Satoshi” said Kenta.

“Alright have fun you two” said Satoshi.

As Kenta and Nozomi went to the Ball Room to get something to eat, Hikari came into the room and was about to Satoshi about something. “Hey Hikari. What’s up?” asked Satoshi.

” Nothing much. Just wanted to know if you knew where my cousin went. Do you know where Kenta went to? Because I bought this cute swimsuit I just bought today to show him” said Hikari.

” Well he’s eating lunch with Nozomi at the Ballroom right now” Satoshi answered back.

” Awwww……not fair. Ever since they started going out. Kenta barely hangs out with me these days.” Said Hikari.

“What are you talking about? We travel together. So what’s the problem?” asked Satoshi.” Hikari sighed boy are you dense. That’s not what I’m talking about it….What I’m talking about it is that I barely spends some time with my cousin these days now. I want to spend more time with him again like before him and Nozomi got together. I want to hang out with him again.”. When Hikari finish talking, She notice that Satoshi fell asleep.”Grrrrrr!!!…Satoshi!!!! Wake Up!!!!” shouted Hikari. When Satoshi heard the scream, he flew off the bed and landed on the ground on his face.” Humph…tell everyone that I’ll be at the pool” pouted Hikari. When Hikari left the room, Satoshi still felt kinda clueless about what he did.

“Jeez did I do something wrong?” said Satoshi

While Hikari got out the mansion, She saw Kenta running towards the gate of the Resort Area.” Hey Kenta! Where are you going?” asked Hikari.

” I’m going to pick up Kasumi and Ayame….Hey Hikari. What’s in the bag?” said Kenta. When Hikari heard what Kenta said about the bag, She smiled and thought of a plan to have him to spend some time with her.

” Oh just a swimsuit that I bought. I wanted to show it to you but you weren’t at the mansion. Hey if your not too busy, is it alright if you could hang out with me at the pool?” asked Hikari.

“Sure thing Hikari. Nozomi is going to take a nap back at the mansion so I’ll go hang out with you. I’ll meet you at the pool after I pick up Kasumi and Ayame okay. I promise” said Kenta.

After hearing that from Kenta, Hikari felt really happy and excited to hang out with him again.” Okay and you better keep that promise Kenta. See you at the pool” said Hikari.

When Hikari got to the pool, she went to the changing room and was about to changes into her new swimsuit. Hikari’s new swimsuit is a St. John Bay: Pearl Tankini/Sash swimsuit. Ebony color and with pearl shaped circles “Alright time to jump into the pool” said Hikari. Before she could jump in the pool, she heard a familiar voice nearby.

” Oh hello beautiful. Would you like to have a drink with me”.

When Hikari heard that voice, she turned around and was shocked at who she saw and fell into the pool.” M-M-Mars?!” Surprised Hikari.” Awwwww you look so adorable when you're surprised ” Said Mars.

(Wait a minute….somethings not right here. She seems so different from last time) Thought Hikari.

” It’s been awhile Hikari-chan. I really missed you a lot” said Mars.

Hikari began to blush alittle as she’s coming out of the pool.” Y-you did Mars?” asked Hikari.

”Yep I sure did . If you want to know why I’m here, I can tell you all about it once we get a drink are the snack bar” said Mars.

” Ummm…sure okay” said Hikari.

Mars and Hikari had gone to the snack bar. When Hikari looks at Mars, She feels kinda safe around her for some reason.

” I would like cold glass of Lemon Iced Tea please” asked Mars.

“And I would like some Pink Lemonade please” said Hikari.

” Okay coming right up” said the Snack Bar owner

“Okay Mars…why are you acting so nice to me?” asked Hikari.

” I wanted to make it up to you for the things that I’ve done. Plus you’re the reason I suddenly changes….also I don’t have any evil in me anymore….thanks to my insane boss’s machine.” Said Mars.

” What kind of machine was it?” asked Hikari

” It was called a Yin &Yang Machine. It’s a type of machine that can turn someone’s heart into light or Darkness. Cyrus wanted to turn my heart into pure darkness without any light in me. But the machine backed fired and took out all the darkness in me and now my heart is full of light and kindness. The machine used too much energy and cause a huge explosion and it took Cyrus with it” said Mars

Hikari knew that Mars would never lie about stuff so she knew that Mars was telling the truth. “Thanks for telling me this Mars. I always knew you had a kind heart. Also you look really cute in that swimsuit Mars” said Hikari.

” Awwwww thanks Hikari-chan” said Mars.

” Okay here are you drinks girls” said the Owner.

Mars and Hikari been talking the whole time together. Hikari never felt this much fun with Mars before. She really enjoyed hanging out with her. While Mars and Hikari were chatting, Kenta finally came to the pool to see Hikari.

“Hey Hikari. Are you here?! Shouted Kenta.

“Over here Kenta!” said Hikari. When Kenta see’s Mars with Hikari got freaked out and fell into the pool too. Mars and Hikari started to laugh when Kenta fell into the pool. Both of them helped him out of the pool and Hikari told him the whole story. Kenta got kinda confused about it but still kinda understand the story. Kenta doesn’t sense any evil around her so he also trusted her.

“Hmmmm well if Hikari trusts you, then I’ll trust you too Mars. Oh yeah did you say you wanted to show me something Hikari?” asked Kenta.

” Oh yeah I did. This new swimsuit I’m wearing. What do you think? “Asked Hikari

“I say you look really adorable and really cute in that swimsuit Hikari” said Mars. Hikari smiled and her face turned bright red.

“ Gotta agree with Mars. You really do look really cute in that swimsuit Hikari. And I’m being honest about it” said Kenta.

Hikari felt really happy about it and hugged Kenta.” Thank you so much Kenta and thanks for keeping your promise too” said Hikari.

“Awww don’t I get a hug too sweetie?” asked Mars.

“Oops sorry about that”. Hikari goes hug Mars and Mars hugs back. Thank you too Mars and thanks for hanging out with me.” Said Hikari.

“Well since Hikari really likes hanging out with you, Do you want to stay with us Mars?” Kenta asking Mars.

” Sure all right. I really wanted to spend more time with Hikari-chan” said Mars.

Kenta, Hikari, and Mars went to the mansion. Kenta and Hikari told everyone Mars and the accident she was in. Everyone agreed to trust Mars except Satoshi. He still doesn’t trust anyone that’s part of an evil organization. But he did agreed to himself to keep an eye on her to make sure.

“Thank you so much for accepting me everyone” said Mars. “No problem. This kinda reminds me of Mrs. Go from Kim Possible” said Nozomi. “Yeah I remember that. And it was a good one. Mars does sound like shego and Hikari is like Kim Possible” said Kasumi

“Awww guys your embarrassing me and Mars,” said Hikari.

Satoshi was silent the whole time and decide to take a walk to think about something. “I’m going for a walk for a little bit. I’ll be back” said Satoshi. When Satoshi left the room, Kasumi began worry about him and followed him.

” I’m going to see what’s wrong with Satoshi. I’ll be back” said Kasumi.” Hmmmm guess Satoshi still doesn’t trust Mars yet. But he’ll come around. Just leave him alone to think about it.” Said Kenta.” Hey where’s Ayame at?” asked Hikari.

“She’s sleeping in my room right now” said Kenta.

“Oh alright. Hey I’ll be at the Hot springs. Do you want to come with me Mars?” asked Hikari.

“Sure thing sweetie. Do you two want to come too?” said Mars. “Sorry not tonight. I’m going to spends some alone time with Kenta” said Nozomi. Nozomi smiles at Kenta and winks at him. Kenta began to blush alittle.

“Alright have fun you two. Lets go Mars” said Hikari.

As Hikari and Mars left the mansion, Nozomi sat next to Kenta and laid her head on Kenta’s left shoulder. “You sound like you’re in a really good mood Nozomi” said Kenta.

“Yeah I know. Hey want to finish Tales of the Abyss? We’re half way done with the game” said Nozomi. “Okay lets go finish the game” Kenta agreed.

The Sun went down and everyone is relaxing inside of Mansion. Kenta and Nozomi are playing a game called Tales of the Abyss, Satoshi and Kasumi wandering at a nearby garden, and Mars and Hikari went to the hot springs together. Mars was got to the hot springs first and was waiting for Hikari to come out to see her.

"Hmmmmmm I wonder what’s taking Hikari so long......" said Mars.

Hikari Finally comes out and she was bit shy and finally being alone with Mars. "Awwwww you look so cute when you blush sweetie" said Mars. Hikari's Face turned bright pink and smiled. "So Hikari...why were you so sad this morning?” asked Mars. When Hikari heard that. She suddenly felt kinda down.

" Well....ever since my cousin and Nozomi are going out, I felt kinda lonely. I always wanted to have someone in my love life. I did had a tiny crush on Satoshi but since now he's going out with Kasumi, Now I feel more alone than ever " said Hikari

When Mars heard that, she hugged her from behind and Dawn laid her head on Mars's left shoulder. " Cheer up Dawn. I know one person that loves you" said Mars.

"Really?....who is it" asked Hikari. Unexpectedly Mars kissed Hikari lightly on lips. When Dawn felt her kiss, She returned the kiss and kissed back.

" I love you Hikari. I'm the one that loves you. From the bottom of my heart" said Mars.

” But why do you love me Mars?” asked Hikari

“It was thanks to you that you brought my heart from darkness. That was when I started to have feelings towards you Hikari-chan” said Mars. “Mars….thank you for confessing your feelings but would it be alright if we spend more time together before I be together with you?” asked Hikari.

“Sure I’m alright with it. You can let me know when your ready” said Mars.

“ Thank You Mars. Is it alright if we could stay like this for a little bit?” Said Hikari.

“That’s fine. I like holding you like this” said Mars.

Mars and Dawn didn't realize that Kenta and Nozomi heard behind the fence." Is it alright for Dawn to go out with Mars Kenta?" asked Nozomi.

"Well I'm alright with it and I will support all the way. She's my cousin and well stay on her side" said Kenta. "Yeah your right. I'll support her too and I'm really happy that she found someone that she loves…hey lets invite them to the Cosplay Festival tomorrow" said Nozomi.

“Yeah that’s a good idea” said Kenta




End of Chapter 1
 
Last edited:

MassivePanda

Goofy time?
Yes! The Mars x Dawn fic! 8D It was very cute, but I see mistakes here and there. I'm not gonna say them here, since I have them all listed on the document, that I'm gonna give to you when you come back. xD

Since I'm lame and retarded, I forgot to send you the corrections. GO ME.

“Sure I’m alright with it. You can let me know when your ready” said Mars. “ Thank You Mars. Is it alright if we could stay like this for a little bit?” Said Hikari. “That’s fine. I like holding you like this” said Mars. Mars and Dawn didn't realize that Kenta and Nozomi heard behind the fence." Is it alright for Dawn to go out with Mars Kenta?" asked Nozomi. "Well I'm alright with it and I will support all the way. She's my cousin and well stay on her side" said Kenta. "Yeah your right. I'll support her too and I'm really happy that she found someone that she loves with…hey lets invite them to the Cosplay Festival tomorrow" said Nozomi. “Yeah that’s a good idea” said Kenta

My favorite part! D: It was so adorable.. Go Mars!
 

Bay

YEAHHHHHHH
Hello, Shadow Ichigo! Review like I promised!

Okay, there are still quite a lot of silly mistakes here, like mispelled words and grammar problems. I am only going to mention some of them because a lot of the mistakes had been repeated. On the ones I mentioned though, I will put the correct form of the error you did and plus say in the lines like, "That mistake also happened in a few instances".

“Wow I think the boss went screwy after that final battle,” said Mars.

Should be a comma when doing sentences like these, the ones with no question or exclamination points. Quite saw a lot of those

“No you go on without me Jupiter. Save yourself. Tell Saturn and the others to get away from Cyrus before its too late!” said Mars. As Jupiter ran off to the exist, Cyrus caught up to Mars and captured her.

Should be exit.

Mars tries her best to escape from him but Cyrus had a strong grip on her wouldn’t let Mars go. Mars kicks Cyrus’s left leg and run’s away.” Almost at the exist” said Mars. By the time she got. Cyrus’s Weavile block the door. Cyrus’s Weavile used Ice Beam on both Mars’s hands and legs. Cyrus came running and grabbed her.
[/QUOTE]

"Exit" again and also the second bolded red part is an incomplete sentence. Shoud be like By the time she got there, Cyrus' Weavile block the door.

“Hey Kenta. Would you like to eat lunch with me at the ball room?” Asked Nozomi.

Supposed to be asked. There were also some instances you captialized "Shout" and "Said" too. When using the lines like "Hello," said Kelly, the words said, asked, shout, etc. should not be capalized.

What are you talking about? We travel together. So what’s the problem?” asked Satoshi.” Hikari sighed boy are you dense. That’s not what I’m talking about it….What I’m talking about it is that I barely spends some time with my cousin these days now. I want to spend more time with him again like before him and Nozomi got together. I want to hang out with him again.”. When Hikari finish talking, She notice that Satoshi fell asleep.”Grrrrrr!!!…Satoshi!!!! Wake Up!!!!” shouted Hikari. When Satoshi heard the scream, he flew off the bed and landed on the ground on his face.” Humph…tell everyone that I’ll be at the pool” pouted Hikari. When Hikari left the room, Satoshi still felt kinda clueless about what he did.

Supposed to be, Hikari sighed. "Boy are you dense." Plus, that paragraph could have been a smoother read by breaking that up into smaller paragraphs.

Hikari began to blush alittle as she’s coming out of the pool.” Y-you did Mars?” asked Hikaei.

Mispelled name: Hikari.

“Thank you so much for accepting me everyone” said Mars. “No problem. This kinda reminds me of Mrs. Go from Kim Possible” said Nozomi. “Yeah I remember that. And it was a good one. Mars does sound like shego and Hikari is like Kim Possible” said Kasumi.

Forgot to put period. Also forgot it in a couple of instances.

Hikari Finally comes out and she was bit shy and finally being alone with Mars. "Awwwww you look so cute when you blush sweetie" said Mars. Hikari's Face turned bright pink and smiled. "So Dawn...why were you so sad this morning?” asked Mars. When Hikari heard that. She suddenly felt kinda down.

" Well....ever since my cousin and Nozomi are going out, I felt kinda lonely. I always wanted to have someone in my love life. I did had a tiny crush on Satoshi but since now he's going out with Kasumi, Now I feel more alone than ever " said Hikari

When Mars heard that, she hugged her from behind and Dawn laid her head on Mars's left shoulder. " Cheer up Dawn. I know one person that loves you" said Mars.

"Really?....who is it" asked Dawn. Unexpectedly Mars kissed Dawn lightly on lips. When Dawn felt her kiss, She returned the kiss and kissed back.

" I love you Dawn. I'm the one that loves you. From the bottom of my heart" said Mars.

Are you using "Dawn" or "Hikari"? Sorry, it is just weird that you are using both names while with the others you used either their Japanese or American names.

Sorry to say this, but it looks like you just post this story the instance you finished it. I recommend checking the spelling and grammar mistakes a few times first as usually when typing there are bound to be mistakes. Checking your work a few times will miminize the mistakes in your story. Also, getting a beta reader is a good idea as they can probably catch the mistakes that you didn't notice the first few times you checked it yourself. ^^

Besides the mistakes, the other problem I have is you tell more of the story and not show. What I meant by that is there is not much description. You really did not describe the Pokemon or the characters, for instance. True, most people will probably know how the Pokemon and the characters look like, but what if there are a few people that don't? I usually describe the Pokemon and the cannon characters as if they had not seen them before. That part will be dealt with a bit later as I want you to focus more on the errors I told you.

Other then that, looks like a cute story so far. Hm...so Mars is all good now? The only problem with this is this gives me signals that there is no flaws in her now. Well too me, she can still be very good but have some flaws...like maybe she can be a bit annoying to some people, for instance. Just say I don't want you to make Mars a Mary Sue.

Well, hope you will improve at least slowly and heed at my advice! I will try to check this story out to see how you progress though I am not sure if I will be able to review all of the chapters because I am going to be quite busy with a lot of stuff. Good luck with the next chapter!
 

honey_clover112

tsundere full force!
I agree with Bay. *nods*

I would've posted those wrongs too in my post. Using Bay's format of correction:
Hikari Finally comes out and she was bit shy and finally being alone with Mars. "Awwwww you look so cute when you blush sweetie" said Mars. Hikari's Face turned bright pink and smiled. "So Hikari...why were you so sad this morning?” asked Mars. When Hikari heard that. She suddenly felt kinda down.

Finally? Isn't it supposed to be 'finally'?

Also, it should be: "Awwww, you look so cute when you blush like that, sweetie!"

Again with the capitalizations.

Should be: "When Hikari heard that, she felt kinda down." I also think the grammar here is wrong.....*shrugs thought* Er, I think:...."When Hikari heard what Mars said, she had a feeling of depression, her mind going into a complete blank....*andblah*" Lengthen your sentences too.

“Yeah that’s a good idea” said Kenta
Corrected from above:

"Yeah, that's a good idea!" said Kenta.


See? You also have to put correct commas and periods.

The capitalizations are frequent here. You must remember that capitalizations are only for names, or after periods. Also, lack of comma and period use. Also, you should be more expressive in descripting the characters. You know...put a little spice in it.
What are you talking about? We travel together. So what’s the problem?” asked Satoshi.” Hikari sighed boy are you dense. That’s not what I’m talking about it….What I’m talking about it is that I barely spends some time with my cousin these days now. I want to spend more time with him again like before him and Nozomi got together. I want to hang out with him again.”. When Hikari finish talking, She notice that Satoshi fell asleep.”Grrrrrr!!!…Satoshi!!!! Wake Up!!!!” shouted Hikari. When Satoshi heard the scream, he flew off the bed and landed on the ground on his face.” Humph…tell everyone that I’ll be at the pool” pouted Hikari. When Hikari left the room, Satoshi still felt kinda clueless about what he did.

Also, in dialouges, the sentences should have a space in it....And like Bay said, break the paragraph.

But I thought that it was cute, seeing that Mars had a switch personality....and giving Hikari a kiss in the lips.X3

;006;
 
Last edited:

Shadow Ichigo

Left On A Journey
Ohh alright. I'll try to do better for the next chapter. Also sorry I'm taking a long to to do the next chapter everyone. I've been really busy and I didn't have time to do it. But I wil try to post it this weekend or next week.
 
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