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Chaos Storm

Envy

Homunculus
i started writing thisa with characters made by my friends! enjoy!

Pokemon: Chaos Storm
Shane Mustang

On a warm Saturday morning, in the city of Viridian, the morning sunlight filtered through the clouds with the promise of a beautiful day as the commute began to unfold, people pouring out of houses and apartment like ants scurrying about an ant hill. Cars roared down the road as pedestrians leapt out of the way as the ran across the crosswalk.
Downtown, in the Pokemon Center, the business picked up as trainers emerged from their rooms, ready to start a long day of vigorous training for the Indigo Plateau, which was still a year away.

Out of the many trainers, a group of five trainers stood out. They may not seem so special, but there is more to this band of friends than meets the eye.
Shane, the oldest and age appointed leader (age appointed means since he’s the oldest, he leads the group. He’s 17 by the way), sat in a booth, yawning, barley able to keep his deep blue eyes half way open as he scratched his head, ruffling his chocolate brown hair. He straightened out his green zip up shirt and wiped off his brown cargo jeans.

“Man, I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. I wanna go back to bed!” Shane complained, yawning some more.

“Well, maybe if you didn’t stay up playing your gameboy all night, you wouldn’t be so freaking tired!” Said a girl wearing a white hat on brown hair. She had green eyes, and a smile to brighten up any day or situation. She wore a blue tank top and a red skirt.

“It wasn’t all night Omi!” Shane retaliated. Omi smirked and flicked her hair and sat down, as the rest of the group walked to the table as she took a bite from a Danish sitting on a plate.

One of them was a boy of about Shane’s age with spiked black hair and brown eyes, wearing a white shirt and slightly wrinkled brown shorts. His name was Tako, a trainer from Cerulean city. He was a good guy, but he didn’t care much for the law.
There were two more girls in the group, too. One was sixteen, with long brown hair that went to her waist and sapphire blue eyes, wearing a red jacket with a blue shirt underneath and dark blue jeans, her name was Ravin, a trainer from Vermillion City. The other girl was at least thirteen, who looked remarkable similar except she wore a blue t-shirt and black shorts, a Shadow the Hedgehog plush doll clutched in her hand, and had no blood relation to Ravin as far as anyone of them knew. Her name was Maria.

“So, where are we headed next?” Ravin asked, sitting down and brushing crumbs from her jacket.

“Yeah Shane, where ARE you leading us this time?” Maria asked, hugging her Shadow plush doll. Shane had a habit of being a bad navigator, and getting them all lost from time to time.
Shane took a bite from his food before answering, “Back home to Pallet, to visit the professor. It’s been a while since our last visit.” Shane replied, stretching. He sighed, “I’ll be right back, I need to walk around for a few minutes.”.

Shane stood up, walking away out the door. He seemed to be doing that for the past few weeks, ever since IT happened. This whole thing messed with his usual happy-go-lucky attitude, much to the worry of his friends, especially Omi. She quickly stood up, following him out the door. She caught up to him, grabbing his arm.

“Shane, are you….” She began to say, but Shane cut her off.

“I’m fine. Just need some fresh air.” He said, trying to sound convincing, but she wasn’t fooled, she knew he was lying. Omi shook her head.

“Your lying. I know you, and I know it still hurts. I’ve been there. Your heart will heal, give it time.” Omi hugged him tightly, “Please, don’t do anything dumb.”

He sighed and hugged her back, reassuring her he was just going for a walk, forcing a smile as he walked away. She noticed how his smile, even his laugh was forced anymore. She sighed, walking back to the Pokemon Center. When she got there, everyone stood and walked to her, expecting big news.

“How is he?” Tako asked. Omi sighed, sitting down at the table, putting her head in her hand.

“I dunno,” She sighed, “He still seems to be torn.”

“Well duh, Omi. He was CHEATED on. It’s a real ego killer.” Ravin said, crossing her arms, sitting next to her.

“I’m just worried, that’s all.” Omi said. Even before all of this happened, she harbored deep feelings for her friend. She was often the one he confided in. She stared into space, until Tako snapped her out of it.

“Check out the T.V.!” He said, pointing to the T.V. mounted on the wall.

On the T.V., an advertisement for a Pokemon Competition played, “Today at three o clock! A competition to see who the best trainer in the city is! Registration is at the Viridian City Gym! Deadline is One p.m. today! Go now! Fabulous cash prizes!”

Without a word, the four trainers burst from their seats and out the doors of the Pokemon Center, rushing to the Viridian City Gym, the deadline fast approaching, only fifteen minutes away. Ravin threw a pokeball into the air, the red and white sphere burst open, so a Swellow could land on the ground. The regal bird lifted into the air, with its trainer on its back, taking off ahead of the group. Omi released her Dodrio, jumping onto the back of the three headed bird as it ran on the sidewalk, rivaling Ravin’s Swellow’s speed while Tako and Maria “borrowed” a bike.

Minutes later, Tako screeched to a halt on the bike, him and Maria jumped off and rushed into the doors to find the others already there and registered. Shane spun his registration card on his finger.

“Looks like you made it. Better sign up quick, u guys.” Shane said, pointing to the registration table.

“Looks like your feeling better.” Tako said, walking over to the registration table with Maria.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Shane said, Omi looked up at him with a worried look. She knew better than that. She knew he wasn’t “fine”, but she knew he didn’t want to talk.

“Lets see here, I got Charmeleon, Flygon, Raichu, Corphish, Makuhita and Kirlia.. I’m gonna rule the competition!” Shane said with confidence.

“I’m using Wartortle, Dodrio, Clampearl, Altaria, Shroomish and Magby! This is gonna be fun!” Omi stated.

Three o’ clock drew closer as the five friends prepared tournament. Shane kicked back as Omi went over some last minute strategies, Tako polished the shell of his Squirtle, his Pidgeotto, while his Totodile napped. Ravin released her Swellow, Absol, Mudkip, Hoothoot, Corsola and Ninetales. Maria’s Charmander and Butterfree also burst from their pokeballs.

Just then, the intercom buzzed on, and a female voice said “Will all contestants for the first round please enter the battlefield. I repeat, will all contestants for the first round please enter the battlefield.”

Shane burst up, checking for his pokeballs on his belt before running to the door, rushing to the battlefield, followed by Omi and the others. They didn’t know the trouble they were getting into.
_____________________________________________________

PLease leave a comment.
 

Xiang

Well-Known Member
Not shabby, a few errors like

sat in a booth, yawning, barley able to keep his deep blue eyes half way open as he scratched his head, ruffling his chocolate brown hair.

barley=barely=common typo, nothing really big.

Now, the only thing missing was descriptions of the Pokemon. You've got a bit here and some there, but not enough to picture the scene. Pretend I don't have a clue what any of the Pokemon are. In order for me to get a picture in my head, I'll need more than just names. KK?

sign up quick, u guys.†Shane said, pointing to the registration table.

That is a no-no. u=you. Not just "u."

It wasn't too shabby. You could've put a bit of emotion here so the reader can react to the writing in a way, but overall, not bad.
 

JoJo@210

We Strike At Dawn
Yeah just add more emotion and description when you write. When you write don't be in such a hurry take your time and to do those 2 things and the story will end up being really good. Its pretty good though, just edge it up with more emotion and description.
 

Ash_Junior

Irredeemable Nerd
age appointed leader (age appointed means since he’s the oldest, he leads the group. He’s 17 by the way), sat in a booth

*smacks*

NO!

Never, EVER interrupt your story to put in an Author's Note. Put this at the beginning or at the end, but NEVER in the middle of a story. it interrupts the perception of a false reality. if you want to tell us something, incorporate it into the description, but an aside, unless done VERY well and artistically, is a NO NO.

and, btw, there should be a hyphen between age and appointed, a la: age-appointed.

barley should be barely (unless you mean the stuff they mean beer out of, which I highly doubt.

half way is spelled half-way

ruffling his chocolate brown hair

choclate brown is one descriptive term, and a hyphen denotes this...thus:

chocolate-brown.

this is debatable, however...

however, I'm pretty sure it'sthe case.

also, by the same token, zip-up, not zip up

yawning some more.

this just doesn't sound right to me.

you shouldn't say something like "He's doing it again? That's so boring!"

that's what it sounds like to me, anyway

gameboy....proper noun, name of a particular item from a particular brand. it should be capitalized, a la Gameboy

Shane retaliated. Omi smirked and flicked her hair and sat down, as the rest of the group walked to the table as she took a bite from a Danish sitting on a plate.

okay, I don't think that you should use her name here.

say something like:

the blond/brunette/whatever smirked and flicked her hair.

that gives us more information about her, and we know that we're talking about her, because it's immediately following an address to her.

thirteen, who looked remarkable similar except she wore a blue t-shirt and black shorts, a Shadow the Hedgehog plush doll clutched in her hand, and had no blood relation to Ravin as far as anyone of them knew. Her name was Maria.

do you mean unremarkable?

btw, I distinctly recommend NOT pulling in stuff from the real world, and making up Pokeworld alternatives, just to heighten the sense that it's REAL, and that it's completely different.

hugging her Shadow plush doll.

I'd omit the Shadow bit, because we have already established that she is holding a Shadow plush doll.

all you would need to say would be plush doll, or even just doll. HOWEVER, because it's immediately following:

“Yeah Shane, where ARE you leading us this time?” Maria asked, hugging her Shadow plush doll. Shane had a habit of being a bad navigator, and getting them all lost from time to time.

I'd recommend getting rid of the whole doll bit, and transition in the bad habit/habit of being a bad navigator bit.

wering, “Back home to Pallet, to visit the professor. It’s been a while since our last visit.” Shane replied, stretching. He sighed, “I’ll be right back, I need to walk around for a few minutes.”.

okay, a couple things:

1) always use periods before you use quotes (or dashes), never commas. That's something I'm still working on

2) if you end something, then continue on in the same thought, end with a comma, a la

answering. "Back home to...last visit," Shane replied, stretching

Shane stood up, walking away out the door. He seemed to be doing that for the past few weeks, ever since IT happened.

for the sake of flow, I'd omit the comma, insert "and" in its place, and change walking to "walked"

also, adding "have been" before doing, a la "seemed to have been doing that"

She caught up to him, grabbing his arm.

once again, get rid of the comma, change grabbing to grabbed...

“Shane, are you….” She began to say, but Shane cut her off.

THIS is where you use the dash. the ... implies that Omi trails off, and not gets cut off

since you can't make a dash in this, use:

“Shane, are you--” She began to say, but Shane cut her off.

a double hyphen

“I’m fine. Just need some fresh air.” He said, trying to sound convincing, but she wasn’t fooled, she knew he was lying. Omi shook her head.

okay, that's a run-on. the "she knew...lying" bit is a complete sentence, and should be treated as such.

“I’m fine. Just need some fresh air.” He said, trying to sound convincing, but she wasn’t fooled. She knew he was lying. Omi shook her head.

“Your lying.

homonym. really easy thing to miss, especially since Word doesn't catch it.

“You're lying.


He sighed and hugged her back, reassuring her he was just going for a walk,

I'd in a that

He sighed and hugged her back, reassuring her that he was just going for a walk,

“How is he?” Tako asked. Omi sighed, sitting down at the table, putting her head in her hand.

“I dunno,” She sighed, “He still seems to be torn.”

the Omi bit describes her, not Tako, so it should be in her paragraph:

“How is he?” Tako asked.

Omi sighed, sitting down at the table, putting her head in her hand. “I dunno,” She sighed, “He still seems to be torn.”

“Check out the T.V.!” He said, pointing to the T.V. mounted on the wall.

On the T.V., an advertisement for a Pokemon Competition played, “Today at three o clock! A competition to see who the best trainer in the city is! Registration is at the Viridian City Gym! Deadline is One p.m. today! Go now! Fabulous cash prizes!”
two things about this, both about your T.V. thing

1) TV is one word: television

2) TV is so common an abbreviation, you don't need the periods.

3) this seems a bit too much like the start of RS

Minutes later, Tako screeched to a halt on the bike, him and Maria jumped off and rushed into the doors to find the others already there and registered. Shane spun his registration card on his finger.

wrong pronoun him should be he, since if it was only the him, you would say he:

Minutes later, Tako screeched to a halt on the bike, he and Maria jumped off and rushed into the doors to find the others already there and registered. Shane spun his registration card on his finger.

“Looks like you made it. Better sign up quick, u guys.” Shane said, pointing to the registration table.

u should be you

“Looks like you made it. Better sign up quick, you guys.” Shane said, pointing to the registration table.

he knew he wasn’t “fine”,

comma belongs inside the quotes

Three o’ clock drew closer as the five friends prepared tournament. Shane kicked back as Omi went over some last minute strategies, Tako polished the shell of his Squirtle, his Pidgeotto, while his Totodile napped. Ravin released her Swellow, Absol, Mudkip, Hoothoot, Corsola and Ninetales. Maria’s Charmander and Butterfree also burst from their pokeballs.

after the description for Shane/Omi, you would probably expect some description for the other two trainer's Pokes.

not too bad...not the best, though.

like I said, it seems like it's a wash-up of Ruby/Sapphire, placed in Kanto, albeit with more than 1 starting char.

however, two of those chars are completely cardboard, one apparently has a pity-party complex with unpredictable mood swings ("Come on you guys, sign up!" he didn't sound too sad right there), and the other is the stereotypical girl that has a "I'm the love interest" sign hanging around her neck.

also, you need to work on spacing each paragraph out.

Some were stuck up on the one before or after it.
Like this.

that's not pretty to look at.

oh, and don't double post...unless you're posting a new chapter

:p

EDIT: sorry, I got so caught up in everything that I forgot to post something:

while it does seem very linear, there is a lot of room for improvement.

er...that's not what I meant.

what I meant was, while it seems a lot like everything else, you've provided yourself with a lot of wiggle room.

now that I look back over it, it doesn't look like a standard journey thing, thank goodness...

it'll be interesting to see how this shapes up.

and also what jojo said.

describe more.

describe everything.

go nuts!

the kind of description I like is Ben Hur-ific.

not that you'll ever get that far (I never will, most likely, either, lol)

:p
 
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