Charla's Capture (each chapter has its own rating)

[Eevee95]

Hi fanfic readers! I decided to right a series of fan fics about the starters so here is my first one
Chapter 1: Rated G or E
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“Come on Poison there’s nothing to worry about!” I said, I was a female Charmander and my name if you wondering is Charla, and I was with my friend a Nidoran Girl named Poison.

“Charla you know perfectly well there’s something to worry about!” Poison remarked back, “A trainer might try to capture us!”

I sighed, she was always like this.

Charla just rolled her eyes, she didn’t have time to wait for her paranoid friend when they could be exploring. “Charla don’t leave me hear all alone!” Called Poison, she never wanted to be alone; it got annoying though of how she complained when we wandered what she thought was ‘too far’.

“Ah!” Shouted Poison as a huge shadow came upon us.

“Rattata.” I informed her as it scurried past us. “You need to calm down!” I was getting annoyed at her freaking out every time a shadow came upon us. Or even when I would step on a twig and it would crack she freaked out. She started to get on my nerves

But I guess she did have a right to freak out when a huge shadow came over us, the only thing we could understand it saying was “…Perfect…”. We knew the only thing it could be was a trainer as we didn’t quite understand it. The man was wearing a long white coat and had greyish hair, he also had a red tie.

End of first chapter.
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I know its kind of short but the text i used made it a whole page. I hope you enjoy it!

 

[Silawen]

First of all, this is way too short. This is not a prologue, nor does it have a clear event happening. You could have done much more with this, and I doubt if this really qualifies as a chapter in the eyes of the mods. However, that is their right - to decide - and I will give you some pointers if you decide to write a new story or chapter.

“Come on Poison there’s nothing to worry about!” I said, I was a female Charmander and my name if you wondering is Charla, and I was with my friend a Nidoran Girl named Poison.

"Come on, Poinson, there's nothing to worry about!" I yelled.

I was a female Charmander and my name, if you're wondering, is Charla. I was with my friend, a Nidoran Girl named Poison.

To me it seems unlikely that a Charmander, which are very rare in the wild, and a Nidorn - girl or not - would be travelling together. It just seems unlikely, but still..

“Charla you know perfectly well there’s something to worry about!” Poison remarked back, “A trainer might try to capture us!”

"Charla, you know perfectly well there's something to worry about," Poison remarked back, "A trainer might try to capture us!"

I'd think the Charmander would worry more about being captured than a Nidoran. They are more rare, after all, and would be sought after a lot more than some common Nidoran. The first person seeing the Charmander and telling someone else would cause lots of trainers to seek her out.

Charla just rolled her eyes, she didn’t have time to wait for her paranoid friend when they could be exploring. “Charla don’t leave me hear all alone!” Called Poison, she never wanted to be alone; it got annoying though of how she complained when we wandered what she thought was ‘too far’.

Charla just rolled her eyes. She didn't have time to wait for her paranoid friend, when they could be exploring.

"Charla, don't leave me here all alone!" called Poison. She never wanted to be alone, it got annoying through that she always complained when they wandered what Poison thought was 'too far.'

You starts out with an overseeing view, meaning you go 'Charla rolled her eyes, Poison called.' but then you change to 'we' and thus pretend to talk from Charla's POV. She wouldn't talk about herself like she did, "Charla rolled her eyes." Also, they wandered too far from what? There is no description, we don't know where they are, and we really don't know what they're doing. Description is your friend, it makes us enjoy the story.

“Ah!” Shouted Poison as a huge shadow came upon us.

“Rattata.” I informed her as it scurried past us. “You need to calm down!” I was getting annoyed at her freaking out every time a shadow came upon us. Or even when I would step on a twig and it would crack she freaked out. She started to get on my nerves

"Ah!" shouted Poison, as a huge shadow came upon us.

"Rattata," I informed her as it scurried past us, "You need to calm down!"

I was getting annoyed at her freaking out every time a shadow came upon us.* Or even when I would step on a twig and it would crack she freaked out. She was starting to get on my nerves.

* It's repetitive, you've used that before, and that's not something you should do. Try to find a different way of describing it.

But I guess she did have a right to freak out when a huge shadow came over us, the only thing we could understand it saying was “…Perfect…”. We knew the only thing it could be was a trainer as we didn’t quite understand it. The man was wearing a long white coat and had greyish hair, he also had a red tie.

I guess she did have a right to freak out when a huge shadow came over us. The only thing we could understand, was it saying, "Perfect."

We knew the only thing it could be was a trainer, as we didn't quite understand it. The man was wearing a long white coat and had greyish hair. He also wore a red tie.

You're contradicting yourself. They can understand the trainer is saying 'perfect', but they can't quite understand it.
Also, this is not an end, it's not even a cliffhanger. You can't end with description of a character, it just doesn't work as an end.

This needs a lot of work, especially on the following:

Spelling:
Hear instead of here, for instance. Small mistakes that shouldn't be made in a story.

Grammar:
Your grammar is off in quite some sentences, work on that.

Tenses/POV:
You switch tenses, you don't quite set one tense. Nor have you decided on a POV.

Lenght:
You need to make it longer. Much longer. Add description, add an interest event, make it plausible. Just work on it.

Let me know if you need help.

 

[Eevee95]

Ok, I'll work on it, It was a whole page that qualifies for a chapter with the text and size I was using. I havn't wrote a pokemon fan fic yet so thanks for the advice. I am editing the chapter to make it longer.

 

[Zephyr Flare]

It's better not to edit the first post. The fact you pmed me asking not to close this showed a rather blatant disregard for the stickies provided. I don't care if you're new at writting or new at Pokemon fics, you have one for adice elp, an area for help and a rules thread.

Read over them, see exactly whats wrong and try again.


Also please for my sainty's sake, get your tenses sorted, past and present do NOT mix.


Sandra