Cheating on your partner.. is it as wrong as people make it out to be

[Pesky Persian]

I've said no. But then, I am not a hardcore ***** so yeah. :]

If you go out and have sex with someone who isn't your partner, that IS your fault. YOU made the decision.

 

[はるひ]

If you go out and have sex with someone who isn't your partner, that IS your fault. YOU made the decision.

I agree that it IS my fault. I'm not trying to get a free pass here. Maybe I'm speaking from the other way around.

 

[Pesky Persian]

I agree that it IS my fault. I'm not trying to get a free pass here. Maybe I'm speaking from the other way around.

It's the same the other way around. If your partner cheats on you, it's still his fault.

 

[はるひ]

It's the same the other way around. If your partner cheats on you, it's still his fault.

Yes, but I have every right to wonder what did I do wrong as well. Which people get butthurt over that. Everyone has different ways with handling cheating.

 

[Pesky Persian]

Yes, but I have every right to wonder what did I do wrong as well. Which people get butthurt over that. Everyone has different ways with handling cheating.

I think everyone who has been cheated on wonders if they did something wrong. Ultimately, though, the blame liez with the person who made the decision. Wondering if you could have prevented it is normal. Blaming yourself is unhealthy but common.

 

[はるひ]

I think everyone who has been cheated on wonders if they did something wrong. Ultimately, though, the blame liez with the person who made the decision. Wondering if you could have prevented it is normal. Blaming yourself is unhealthy but common.

So what is so offending about blaming yourself for part of what your partner did again if it's common?

 

[Pesky Persian]

So what is so offending about blaming yourself for part of what your partner did again if it's common?

I think it's the way it comes across when you've said things in the past in this thread and others. Sometimes you make it sound like the victim is at fault because (usually) she did not cater to her partner's every desire, therefore he looked elsewhere. It's not at all healthy to blame yourself for someone else's wrongdoings and is usually a sign of very poor self-esteem and often an abusive (either physically or emotional) relationship. People who have been through that or know someone who has typically don't like unhealthy relationships to be portrayed as okay.

 

[funrush]

Unless it is an open relationship, and you agree with your partner that you are allowed, it is wrong.

 

[Kaiserin]

So what is so offending about blaming yourself for part of what your partner did again if it's common?

It's not offensive so much as it's unhealthy, and often a sign of serious problems. To get off topic for a moment, rape victims are prone to blaming themselves, and, hell, having others blame them for "asking for it," among other things. If we're talking the half of the couple that was cheated on, I feel like the values of this society would probably make someone wonder if they didn't satisfy their partner, particularly if it's a man who cheated on a woman.

That doesn't make it their fault, though. Actions have consequences; even if it can be said that the relationship was rocky, you reap what you sow. In the case of abusive relationships... well, a woman cheating on her abusive husband is probably more of a symptom than the problem itself, I'd say.

 

[BJPalmer85]

It's not offensive so much as it's unhealthy, and often a sign of serious problems. To get off topic for a moment, rape victims are prone to blaming themselves, and, hell, having others blame them for "asking for it," among other things. If we're talking the half of the couple that was cheated on, I feel like the values of this society would probably make someone wonder if they didn't satisfy their partner, particularly if it's a man who cheated on a woman.

That doesn't make it their fault, though. Actions have consequences; even if it can be said that the relationship was rocky, you reap what you sow. In the case of abusive relationships... well, a woman cheating on her abusive husband is probably more of a symptom than the problem itself, I'd say.

i can agree with this and with what Persian said about their being moral grey areas.

My question would be that if you were in a non abusive relationship but there was neglect on your partners part and a loss of an emotional connection would the blame still fall on you? I understand the physical act is your fault but what about the emotions that pushed you there? Can you even blame emotional distress that caused you to cheat on someone else?

B

 

[Pesky Persian]

If you're unhappy with your partner, you discuss it with them. That's how healthy relationships work. You don't just go behind their back and have sex with someone else. If you're truly unhappy with your partner, break it off first.

 

[Arcamenel]

I said it already but I'll say it again, it all comes down to communication. I don't care if your partner is ignoring you, not giving you sex, satisfying your emotional needs. There is never an excuse for cheating and if you do cheat, you are deserve ALL the blame. What drove you to cheat is irrelevant in my opinion, the fact of the matter is you promised yourself to someone and you broke that promise. If you were unhappy with the way they were treating you, then you should've voiced your concerns and acted accordingly. Fix it if it's fixable and end it if it's not. I don't get how there can be any grey area there.

If there are children involved I can somewhat see an issue but in my own personal experience I've seen more kids messed up from living in a household where they could tell their parents didn't like each other than those whose parents were split up.

 

[Electricbluewolf]

If you were unhappy with the way they were treating you, then you should've voiced your concerns and acted accordingly. Fix it if it's fixable and end it if it's not. I don't get how there can be any grey area there.

I've never cheated when I was with people, but I have been cheated on. I do know, however, that sometimes there is grey area. My friend was in a horrid relationship- this guy wanted to tie her down- if she had ended with him, he said he would cut her. However, she went out with this complete opposite guy, who was loving and kind. The other guy knew of this and didn't care- as long as he had some sort of claws in her back, then like I said didn't care. Some people cannot talk to their partners as they get emotional. And even though cheating is bad, there has to be a side to why they are cheating, and maybe that is all the others person fault.

 

[GhostAnime]

And even though cheating is bad, there has to be a side to why they are cheating

There's a difference between answering why and saying it's justifiable.

There's a difference between understanding and saying it's the right decision.

Was that the right decision on the scenario you gave? I can't say. It's a sticky situation all-around and quite nontraditional, but I acknowledge that these sort of things happen.

One thing I will say that has been said before in this topic:

1) Cheating on a guy who is capable of cutting you for leaving is very bad, and I'm not speaking in a moral sense now; I'm speaking in a safety sense.
2) One has to also question the morals of the single guy who permits the act as well. Is he not wrong?

 

[indifference]

If you don't know you're in a relationship with someone online, and you think the person who is your significant other is doing things with other girls, is it still cheating? Like say if you kissed someone or said you wanted to kiss someone?

It doesn't matter now, but I was just wondering.

 

[The Benmeister]

Well what would you mean by you 'don't know'?

If you're not in a definitive relationship then I wouldn't say it is.

 

[Steampunk]

I said it already but I'll say it again, it all comes down to communication. I don't care if your partner is ignoring you, not giving you sex, satisfying your emotional needs. There is never an excuse for cheating and if you do cheat, you are deserve ALL the blame. What drove you to cheat is irrelevant in my opinion, the fact of the matter is you promised yourself to someone and you broke that promise. If you were unhappy with the way they were treating you, then you should've voiced your concerns and acted accordingly. Fix it if it's fixable and end it if it's not. I don't get how there can be any grey area there.

If there are children involved I can somewhat see an issue but in my own personal experience I've seen more kids messed up from living in a household where they could tell their parents didn't like each other than those whose parents were split up.

i agree.
now maybe the other one did something that the other justified their cheating with, but that doesnt change who was at fault.
if u cheat u are at fault, not the other way around.
if u want out of a relationship then just end it with divorce, but i would try to stick it out as long a humanly possible before it came to that.

 

[BJPalmer85]

2) One has to also question the morals of the single guy who permits the act as well. Is he not wrong?

You mean the person that is being cheated with? How can they knowingly have some sort of an affair with someone that is in a relationship?

To me it is like the saying goes, all is fair in love and war. If you have no connection what so ever to the woman's partner (ie. you arent friends, business associates...basically you need to have never met) than to me you are not at fault and should feel no guilt

B

 

[Pesky Persian]

You mean the person that is being cheated with? How can they knowingly have some sort of an affair with someone that is in a relationship?

To me it is like the saying goes, all is fair in love and war. If you have no connection what so ever to the woman's partner (ie. you arent friends, business associates...basically you need to have never met) than to me you are not at fault and should feel no guilt

B

I think it depends on the situation. If the cheater tells the person they're cheating with that s/he is in a relationship, I think the person being cheated with is not necessarily "at fault," but should at least feel guilt. I mean, it's really not that hard to be a decent human being when it comes to this kind of thing. If the cheater tells the person s/he is single, obviously there's no way for the person being cheated with to know.

 

[GhostAnime]

You mean you wouldn't at least feel guilty in partaking in an activity that could possibly damage a person for years to come? Just because you don't know them?

Would you pick up someone's 20 dollar bill just because you didn't know them?