Cheating on your partner.. is it as wrong as people make it out to be

[Pesky Persian]

Intentional? No, I would never. If I could be a perfect, "I love everyone and I'll never judge" person, I would instantly, but because the world isn't truly like that, I was not brought up in such an environment. My world does constantly consists of people passing judgement based on the outside and there's only a few people that truly understand where I come from. Cheating hurts and I even though it's never happened to me (because I am a good person and I don't give my partner a reason to cheat), I can understand how it could hurt another person. I do know of someone who's cheated, but the partner forgave them, however they went back and revenge cheated so that was pretty much a blow to the head and the person left, just like that.

I would never revenge cheat because I'd hate myself for doing it. If I forgave my partner, I should continue to be the bigger person and make the relationship work, not make it worse just for me to get even. Plus, cheating is heavily looked at as adultery in my community. So if you cheat, you are probably not going to get a good rep unless you change your ways.

I think you're completely missing the point of why people are annoyed with your post. Either that or you completely skipped over it because nothing in this post explains why you have such negative feelings toward women.

No one's asking you to be nonjudgemental. They're telling you to quit making absurd blanket statements that you only back up with vague anecdotal evidence.

 

[はるひ]

I think you're completely missing the point of why people are annoyed with your post. Either that or you completely skipped over it because nothing in this post explains why you have such negative feelings toward women.

No one's asking you to be nonjudgemental. They're telling you to quit making absurd blanket statements that you only back up with vague anecdotal evidence.

I forgot that someone asked me. I saw "intentional" and I started going at it. If you really must know, I have no hatred towards women whatsoever. I write and most of writings feature girls as main characters. I also treat them the same as I treat any guy. In my most politically correct way, it's things that they can get away with that are... unsettling. Gah, you aren't going to understand but that's how I feel.

 

[Pesky Persian]

I forgot that someone asked me. I saw "intentional" and I started going at it. If you really must know, I have no hatred towards women whatsoever. In my most politically correct way, it's things that they can get away with that are... unsettling. Gah, you aren't going to understand but that's how I feel.

You seem to have some weird internalized prejudice toward minorities (women included) because you think they get everything handed to them... Which certainly isn't the case in reality.

 

[はるひ]

On cheating, what bothers me is that alot of the guys that cheat, they do have to take all the blame (because, you know they cheated they have to), but never really say that same message to the other side. I know it's men who mostly cheat, I just hate how in relationship problems, the balance is unjust when it comes to the cheater. Why can't they say "people that cheat must take all the blame" and not make it a one-sided issue? Is it that hard to do.

Everyone knows that cheating is bad, some people just handle it differently. I would probably figure out what I did wrong but others will say they are fine and run with it.

 

[Pesky Persian]

On cheating, what bothers me is that alot of the guys that cheat, they do have to take all the blame (because, you know they cheated they have to), but never really say that same message to the other side. I know it's men who mostly cheat, I just hate how in relationship problems, the balance is unjust when it comes to the cheater. Why can't they say "people that cheat must take all the blame" and not make it a one-sided issue? Is it that hard to do.

Everyone knows that cheating is bad, some people just handle it differently. I would probably figure out what I did wrong but others will say they are fine and run with it.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you appear to be the only person in this thread who has had a one-sided view on things. People who cheat should take all the blame because they cheated. What sex they are doesn't matter.

 

[kochoupink]

Describing women as "they" is classic othering behavior designed to reduce sympathy. It accomplishes a dual task; it makes a monolithic group out of a diverse set of individuals that represents one-half(!) of the human population, and it sets the speaker apart from that group.

Getting over peer abuse is hard, but it's important not to let it cloud your judgement. Women are people. There is no "they." "They" are half the population. "They" don't get away with anything. SOME women, elevated to highly visible status by the media and by the people you apparently associate with, "get away with" things. So do some men. Some men "get away with" atrocities, often committed against women. Trust me, I know. But that doesn't mean that men are a "they." They are fifty percent of the population. When you engage in homogenizing and othering a group, you open them up to abuse by people who no longer view them as human.

When you other women, you other yourself. You open yourself up to abuse. And a lot of people are going to tell you differently. They're going to use "you're not like other girls" as a compliment. They're going to "they" women. They're going to "women all [blank]." They're going to "women never [blank]." But YOU are a woman. And you're not like other women. And you're not like other men, either. You are a human being. You are your own human being. When you group and dismiss women, you are playing to the prejudices of those who hate you simply for how you were born.

Whether you think you deserve better than that or not, you do. And maybe if you start pretending to feel that way, you actually will someday.

ETA: Pesky Persian, I believe Gothitelle K has me on her block list. Do you mind quoting the things I've said to her? They're a bit important.

 

[Mandi.]

On cheating, what bothers me is that alot of the guys that cheat, they do have to take all the blame (because, you know they cheated they have to), but never really say that same message to the other side. I know it's men who mostly cheat, I just hate how in relationship problems, the balance is unjust when it comes to the cheater. Why can't they say "people that cheat must take all the blame" and not make it a one-sided issue? Is it that hard to do.

Everyone knows that cheating is bad, some people just handle it differently. I would probably figure out what I did wrong but others will say they are fine and run with it.

You seem to to think when men cheat on women, the men shouldn't take all the blame, and when women cheat on men, you think it's all the woman's fault. That's what I get out of your posts, and I have seen you post something about this as well.

Women and men cheat equally. One doesn't cheat more than the other. I believe when someone cheats, whether it's a boy or a girl, the cheater deserves to get all the blame. Because even if the person cheated on their partner, because they're not happy with something they did, it still doesn't make it right. Maybe the victim should take some fault too, but that doesn't mean the cheater shouldn't have been more mature and spoke to their partner or broke up with them, before they went out and slept with someone else. This is why I believe no blame should be put on the victim. The cheater went out and cheated, when they could have easily broke up with their partner if they weren't happy or at least had a mature conversation with them.

People just get sick of your posts because you feel as if women are evil and deserve to be treated like crap and as if they are below men. I'd like to know why you think the way you do, and maybe I'll understand why you think this way. Trust me, I don't like a lot of women and how they act, but then again I don't like a lot of men and how they act as well. Both genders have their flaws.

 

[はるひ]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you appear to be the only person in this thread who has had a one-sided view on things. People who cheat should take all the blame because they cheated. What sex they are doesn't matter.

To be honest, I don't know if I am. All I know is that I said that I would wonder what was wrong with me and that was that. I'm all about forgiving and forgetting, however it's comes to the point where people get annoyed.

 

[Pesky Persian]

Describing women as "they" is classic othering behavior designed to reduce sympathy. It accomplishes a dual task; it makes a monolithic group out of a diverse set of individuals that represents one-half(!) of the human population, and it sets the speaker apart from that group.

Getting over peer abuse is hard, but it's important not to let it cloud your judgement. Women are people. There is no "they." "They" are half the population. "They" don't get away with anything. SOME women, elevated to highly visible status by the media and by the people you apparently associate with, "get away with" things. So do some men. Some men "get away with" atrocities, often committed against women. Trust me, I know. But that doesn't mean that men are a "they." They are fifty percent of the population. When you engage in homogenizing and othering a group, you open them up to abuse by people who no longer view them as human.

When you other women, you other yourself. You open yourself up to abuse. And a lot of people are going to tell you differently. They're going to use "you're not like other girls" as a compliment. They're going to "they" women. They're going to "women all [blank]." They're going to "women never [blank]." But YOU are a woman. And you're not like other women. And you're not like other men, either. You are a human being. You are your own human being. When you group and dismiss women, you are playing to the prejudices of those who hate you simply for how you were born.

Whether you think you deserve better than that or not, you do. And maybe if you start pretending to feel that way, you actually will someday.

ETA: Pesky Persian, I believe Gothitelle K has me on her block list. Do you mind quoting the things I've said to her? They're a bit important.

Quoted. =)

To be honest, I don't know if I am. All I know is that I said that I would wonder what was wrong with me and that was that. I'm all about forgiving and forgetting, however it's comes to the point where people get annoyed.

That's not actually all you said. You said most girls would "revenge cheat," which is, in fact, an absurd blanket statement and one-sided as far as gender goes.

 

[はるひ]

Describing women as "they" is classic othering behavior designed to reduce sympathy. It accomplishes a dual task; it makes a monolithic group out of a diverse set of individuals that represents one-half(!) of the human population, and it sets the speaker apart from that group.

Getting over peer abuse is hard, but it's important not to let it cloud your judgement. Women are people. There is no "they." "They" are half the population. "They" don't get away with anything. SOME women, elevated to highly visible status by the media and by the people you apparently associate with, "get away with" things. So do some men. Some men "get away with" atrocities, often committed against women. Trust me, I know. But that doesn't mean that men are a "they." They are fifty percent of the population. When you engage in homogenizing and othering a group, you open them up to abuse by people who no longer view them as human.

When you other women, you other yourself. You open yourself up to abuse. And a lot of people are going to tell you differently. They're going to use "you're not like other girls" as a compliment. They're going to "they" women. They're going to "women all [blank]." They're going to "women never [blank]." But YOU are a woman. And you're not like other women. And you're not like other men, either. You are a human being. You are your own human being. When you group and dismiss women, you are playing to the prejudices of those who hate you simply for how you were born.

Whether you think you deserve better than that or not, you do. And maybe if you start pretending to feel that way, you actually will someday.

ETA: Pesky Persian, I believe Gothitelle K has me on her block list. Do you mind quoting the things I've said to her? They're a bit important.

I don't. I used to because you hated me before

Anyway, when I say "they", that's just me grouping all people together if I didn't want to keep using gendered pro-nouns. But at the same time, I never really knew that about ""they". Like I said, I have no hatred of anyone, but I DO have a habit of grouping people based on experiences.

I do get told that I'm not like other girls as a compliment and maybe that's why I pretty much seperate myself from the others. Because I don't want to be someone one who people are always complaining that they demand alot. That's why in cases like cheating, I don't demand alot. If it happened to be I'd be crush, but I have to forgive and forget if I ever want to live a good life right?

 

[Pesky Persian]

I do get told that I'm not like other girls as a compliment and maybe that's why I pretty much seperate myself from the others. Because I don't want to be someone one who people are always complaining that they demand alot.

So many blanket statements, you could build a fort out of them.

That's why in cases like cheating, I don't demand alot. If it happened to be I'd be crush, but I have to forgive and forget if I ever want to live a good life right?

No, no you don't.

 

[はるひ]

No, no you don't.

If I truly love my partner and I want my relationship to work, then yes I would. Because if I don't, how is it going to be a complete relationship?

 

[kochoupink]

I don't. I used to because you hated me before

Anyway, when I say "they", that's just me grouping all people together if I didn't want to keep using gendered pro-nouns. But at the same time, I never really knew that about ""they". Like I said, I have no hatred of anyone, but I DO have a habit of grouping people based on experiences.

I do get told that I'm not like other girls as a compliment and maybe that's why I pretty much seperate myself from the others. Because I don't want to be someone one who people are always complaining that they demand alot. That's why in cases like cheating, I don't demand alot. If it happened to be I'd be crush, but I have to forgive and forget if I ever want to live a good life right?

I never hated you; I just think you hold some very sad opinions that make me concerned about what happens to young girls in today's society.

I've got to be honest, here; if you're hanging out with people who complain that women(! All women! All 3.5 billion of them!) "demand a lot," these are not people who like women. The reason they separate you from other women is because they have a deep prejudice that makes all women the same (not-quite-human) group, and since you are human in their minds, you can't be a woman. It's a very sad double life to have to live. It's the same with all prejudices; there must be so much exception-juggling for the prejudiced because women, minorities, etc., actually ARE people, but in order to hold prejudices, the person MUST other them. Freeing yourself from prejudices results in a simpler, happier life.

Honestly, if you ever want to live a good life, you need to start accepting yourself. And that's hard, especially when the people who accept you are the ones who define you by what you're NOT (e.g. "not like other girls"). We all deserve friends who define us by what we ARE. Finding those people starts by accepting truths about ourselves. You also need to stop thinking in absolutes. Some relationships deserve forgiveness, and some do not; but there can't be this blanket attitude of "forgive ALL to be happy" or "never forgive to be happy." It's the same thing as trying to believe all women behave a certain way, or all men behave a certain way.

It's kind of scary, letting go of categories. But addressing things on a case-by-case basis ultimately leads to a more balanced life and greater self-acceptance.

 

[Mandi.]

If I truly love my partner and I want my relationship to work, then yes I would. Because if I don't, how is it going to be a complete relationship?

I understand, but if your partner were to cheat on you and you knew it, you would never forget that. Yet in your case, you'd forgive him no matter how many times he did it.. just so you could be with him and fake your happiness.

There's no love in that, just lies. Lies to hold onto a broken relationship which is slowly hurting you even if you hide it.

 

[kochoupink]

I understand, but if your partner were to cheat on you and you knew it, you would never forget that. Yet in your case, you'd forgive him no matter how many times he did it.. just so you could be with him and fake your happiness.

I think this is kind of a hard-line approach to take on this. I know with my previous relationships, I would end the relationship immediately, but with my current one, I would want to work it out because I think some things are worth talking over. My previous relationships, I was looking for a way out. But I also have a really lax attitude about sexual mores. I'd be fine with an open relationship as long as we were honest with each other, so I guess this is all whatevskies. I'd be much more likely to break up with someone over emotional infidelity because, honestly, sex is just fun, but if you fall in love with another person, why even be in a relationship?

So while it may be true for some that staying with someone after cheating is "faking happiness," for others I think it's different. It depends on how you view sex/love, and that varies on such an individual level.

 

[はるひ]

I mean if it happened like.... you know 50 times, then I'll say I'll go. but it's hard to leave someone you've done everything for and you wonder if you are ever going to get the same thing else where.

 

[Pesky Persian]

If I truly love my partner and I want my relationship to work, then yes I would. Because if I don't, how is it going to be a complete relationship?

How can you have a complete relationship with someone you can't trust to be loyal? I agree with Kochou that it's a case-by-case thing. From your posts, it just sounds like you're setting yourself up to be a victim of manipulation. Believe me, it's not fun and it's not happy. Been there, done that. I've never been cheated on (not physically anyway), but being in a relationship where you're made to feel like you're to blame and having that person use your own low self-esteem against you is a horrible experience.

Everything else Kochou has said about prejudice, etc. is totally true. It takes a lot of thought and a lot of relearning to get to that point, especially if things have been ingrained in you from an early age. It is, however, possible to break free from those attitudes and thoughts that separate us from other people. Been there, done that too.

I mean if it happened like.... you know 50 times, then I'll say I'll go. but it's hard to leave someone you've done everything for and you wonder if you are ever going to get the same thing else where.

Of course it's hard. Lots of things in life can be hard. Sometimes it's the hard decisions that help define you for better or worse.

 

[Mandi.]

I think this is kind of a hard-line approach to take on this. I know with my previous relationships, I would end the relationship immediately, but with my current one, I would want to work it out because I think some things are worth talking over. My previous relationships, I was looking for a way out. But I also have a really lax attitude about sexual mores. I'd be fine with an open relationship as long as we were honest with each other, so I guess this is all whatevskies. I'd be much more likely to break up with someone over emotional infidelity because, honestly, sex is just fun, but if you fall in love with another person, why even be in a relationship?

So while it may be true for some that staying with someone after cheating is "faking happiness," for others I think it's different. It depends on how you view sex/love, and that varies on such an individual level.

Yeah I was saying more towards people not in an open relationship, and a partner going behind your back and not letting you know what they're doing.. especially more than one time. I believe goth isn't in an open relationship??

I guess i'm more strict towards love and sex than most people. ): I would only have sex with someone I was in a relationship with and actually loved.

 

[はるひ]

Of course, I don't want to be like that. I don't want people to walk all over me which is why I do kinda applaud the people who are strong enough to leave their cheating partners. Because someone of us aren't. but I guess it comes with having a strong personality.

I mean, I would feel uncomfortable knowing that someone I love might do it or do it again after I've forgiven them.

 

[Mandi.]

Of course, I don't want to be like that. I don't want people to walk all over me which is why I do kinda applaud the people who are strong enough to leave their cheating partners. Because someone of us aren't. but I guess it comes with having a strong personality.

I mean, I would feel uncomfortable knowing that someone I love might do it or do it again after I've forgiven them.

It's ok if you forgive your partner once for cheating on you. I mean I could never do that, but if you are to forgive your boyfriend for cheating on you, be sure you're not just all "whatever. it's ok." You have to let him know it really hurt you and talk it over fully, so he doesn't think "she doesn't really care, I can do anything I want."
If he continues with it though, and you forgive him over and over again, he just thinks he can do it and know he's going to be forgiven. Nothing will get better. That's why people see you as a doormat.