Cheating on your partner.. is it as wrong as people make it out to be

[はるひ]

Yeah, it's no okay and I'll put it in the nicest way, possible but it it happened again.... I mean, I want to be treated normally so I won't go though the same process. Though, if I were married, it'd be different since no one wants to go through the shame of divorce.

 

[kochoupink]

Yeah, it's no okay and I'll put it in the nicest way, possible but it it happened again.... I mean, I want to be treated normally so I won't go though the same process. Though, if I were married, it'd be different since no one wants to go through the shame of divorce.

Were you raised Quiverfull/Christian Patriarchy, by any chance? No judging, just wondering.

 

[はるひ]

What's a christian patriarchy? Is it the same as being fundamentalist? There is religion involved but wanted to know.

 

[kochoupink]

What's a christian patriarchy? Is it the same as being fundamentalist? There is religion involved but wanted to know.

It's a type of fundamentalism that often uses homeschool or its own textbooks that vary widely from school textbooks. It often involves a dress code (usually stricter for women than for men, though there may be rules for how men wear their hair, etc.) and enforcement of gender roles early through childhood, e.g. daughters cook and clean, sons work outside. There's usually a greater emphasis on education for boys than for girls, who are expected to prepare for motherhood, as this is taught to be the greatest achievement of a woman's life.

ETA: does this mean you've heard the term "Quiverfull"? Did you grow up around people who identified with the movement?

 

[Psychic]

Guys, please take anything not directly related to cheating to VM/PM.

No, I meant it as I can be in this conversation. lol

You don't need to be in relationship to talk about relationships, though. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm single, for instance. My point is that whether or not someone have a partner does not make their argument better or worse.

[SPOIL] in the book she ends up marrying peeta and having kids with him, even though it is clear the gale really wants to be with her [/SPOIL]

Yeah, but so what? Just because someone wants to be with you does not actually mean you're in a relationship with them, especially if they never actually say "I want to be with you." Like imagine you start dating a girl, and suddenly one of your random female friends is upset because she secretly wanted to be with you the entire time. Yeah, it sucks for her, but if she didn't make a move then it's her own fault. You never saw her as anything but a friend, right?

hmm interesting, i would say that if you were gay, opposite gender kissing might not make the other one mad but about BI idk.
but i guess that really depends on the person and what they are comfortable with.

I would agree 100% with the last sentence. Shame more people didn't respond, but all well.

most girls would do it (some guys would as well). i've seen it and it pretty much gets cheered on. funny thing is that they expect to be forgiven just like they forgave their partner.

If you're going to say "most people do x" you should back it up with evidence. "I saw it on a talk show" or "that's what people I talk to say" is not evidence. A study or survey of people cheating is real evidence the only thing to make your argument stronger. You can't believe that everything on TV represents what happens in real life. That's the problem.

Why can't they say "people that cheat must take all the blame" and not make it a one-sided issue? Is it that hard to do.

In this entire thread, you are the only person who has
1) Said it's also the victim's fault too
2) Made it an issue of men VS women
Nobody else has said it's not the cheater's fault, and nobody else has said "men do it more" or "women do it more." So you're kinda just talking to yourself here.

Anyway, when I say "they", that's just me grouping all people together if I didn't want to keep using gendered pro-nouns. But at the same time, I never really knew that about ""they". Like I said, I have no hatred of anyone, but I DO have a habit of grouping people based on experiences.

What kochou was saying was that by talking about women as "they," you make them sound weird and different and bad. It distances you from a group that you belong to no matter what, and it groups them all together as if every single woman is exactly the same. But just as you know that all men are different and unique, you must acknowledge that the other half of the population is also made up of many special, unique people. Despite what some people may have told you, you're not "unlike other women" because all women are already unique. It's a really unhealthy way to view a group you belong to.

If I truly love my partner and I want my relationship to work, then yes I would. Because if I don't, how is it going to be a complete relationship?

Because maybe it's not a great relationship and it's not worth saving? I know you hate to think about it, but sometimes it really is better to be single than to be in an unhealthy relationship.

I think this is kind of a hard-line approach to take on this. I know with my previous relationships, I would end the relationship immediately, but with my current one, I would want to work it out because I think some things are worth talking over. My previous relationships, I was looking for a way out. But I also have a really lax attitude about sexual mores. I'd be fine with an open relationship as long as we were honest with each other, so I guess this is all whatevskies. I'd be much more likely to break up with someone over emotional infidelity because, honestly, sex is just fun, but if you fall in love with another person, why even be in a relationship?

So while it may be true for some that staying with someone after cheating is "faking happiness," for others I think it's different. It depends on how you view sex/love, and that varies on such an individual level.

Having an open relationship is different than being cheated on, however. If you and your partner agree that it's okay to engage sexually with other people, there's nothing wrong with that. I can also agree that some relationships might be more worth trying to save than others, and that's completely up to the individual. Just proceed with caution and whatnot.

I mean if it happened like.... you know 50 times, then I'll say I'll go. but it's hard to leave someone you've done everything for and you wonder if you are ever going to get the same thing else where.

You're young, Gothy. If one relationship doesn't work out, you might find someone else who makes you even happier, who does even more for you, and who loves you even more than someone who cheated on you. But you'll never find out if you remain paralyzed by the fear of "what if?" Ending a relationship isn't the end of the world - I and many people in this thread can attest to that, and if you could find one partner you'll surely be able to find another.


~Psychic

 

[Deku_Link]

Oh please, will you please stop being such a girl hater.

but how else will i get my gold special snowflake sticker from the boys club :cry:

 

[GhostAnime]

even though it's never happened to me (because I am a good person and I don't give my partner a reason to cheat)

It's a never ending cycle.

 

[lanmanna]

I happen to do have a partner so I am pretty normal there. I'm also not the type to cheat either because I find it wrong. But your right, I've never had this happen to me nor have I done it. I'll just say that next to you, I'm pretty forgiving.

Wow, you sound like one of those girlfriend/boyfriend that gets abused physically/verbally, say it's all your fault, and that you still love them. Really scary.

 

[MissDigitalis]

When people are in an open relationship then there's no cheating. If people are going to SAY they're in a monogamous relationship and then have "extra pairs" outside of the relationship then the main problem is in the lying, not the actual sex itself.

I personally am in an open relationship but my partner and I mainly stick to one another. We're free to date who ever we want, it just so happens that neither of us finds many people interesting. Having said that, we're both extremely cautious when it comes to sex so the chances of infection are lower and we've both had vaccines to prevent certain STDs.

If I met someone who wanted an exclusive relationship I think I could provide that and stop having sex with my current partner if I thought it was worth it but I'd really rather be with someone who accepts my current relationship.

 

[Kaiserin]

I know it's men who mostly cheat,

How? And in what proportion compared to women, at that? Do you have a source that proves this? Don't pull statistics out of your ***.

Why can't they say "people that cheat must take all the blame" and not make it a one-sided issue?

Because people are ultimately responsible for their own actions, and no amount of influences will justify someone doing a stupid thing if they were of perfectly sound mind while doing it. Why do you think being pressured to rape or murder someone isn't a viable defense in court if you're determined to have been perfectly sane at the time?

I would probably figure out what I did wrong but others will say they are fine and run with it.

Never assume unless you've actually been in that situation, though. It's rather amazing how people tend to handle things much differently while they're in the heat of the moment, because it's just a little bit harder to think rationally once you either get caught cheating or find out your partner has cheated. Even if you're supposedly prepared for it, it's almost never as easy as it might sound to handle things with a level head.

 

[Steampunk]

How? And in what proportion compared to women, at that? Do you have a source that proves this? Don't pull statistics out of your ***.

yeah in my experiance its been about 50/50

Because people are ultimately responsible for their own actions, and no amount of influences will justify someone doing a stupid thing if they were of perfectly sound mind while doing it. Why do you think being pressured to rape or murder someone isn't a viable defense in court if you're determined to have been perfectly sane at the time?

i agree, i mean if u are mentaly insane or if someone literally holds a gun to your head, but other than that, no one controls what u do.

 

[EmphaticPikachu]

I'm not really approving on cheating...Though what does everybody think of having a sort of fanboy or fangirl obcession of such while in a relationship? I don't really wanna do this, but I'll use myself as an example...

I am quite the Dawn fanboy, however I know my constant fanboying isn't really the best thing to do around a girl a like...It at the very least can sting them. I know that much. But what does it REALLY do? What does the other side think of it? Does it cause problems in a relationship? You gotta stop the fangasuming right, it makes them feel less or something...I dunno, I just kinda want to know how much of a psychological effect that type of thing has on your partner.

Its been 2 and a half years since my last relationship, and I don't remember most of her responses. But she tended to usually shrug it off, just like I did to her fangirling over people like ikuto from shugo chara and such. But sometimes it made us a bit...angsty, and annoyed. I'm just wondering the effects is all. :/

 

[Mandi.]

^ the ****?

 

[EmphaticPikachu]

^ the ****?

*sigh* nevermind >3>...ignore me. I'll creep back into my hole now and hide...

 

[Kaiserin]

...I think perhaps you should consider your own psychology over someone else's if you think something you're doing is driving them away, to be perfectly honest.

Cheating isn't cheating when you're only doing it in your head, since imagination is free, but tunnel-visioned obsession certainly sounds like a gigantic turnoff. (To me, anyway. YMMV, I guess.)

 

[EmphaticPikachu]

...I think perhaps you should consider your own psychology over someone else's if you think something you're doing is driving them away, to be perfectly honest.

Cheating isn't cheating when you're only doing it in your head, since imagination is free, but tunnel-visioned obsession certainly sounds like a gigantic turnoff. (To me, anyway. YMMV, I guess.)

IF I'm talking about my own psychology, I understand it about as well as any person without reading a book or taking a class on it can. I guess the difference is that I was quite emotional back then, and tended to act on my emotions really easily. Even if I was very restrictive about it. I've learned to control myself much better, and Basically don't care about fangirling as long I know the girl cares about me. To be honest, if I was too look back at some of the decisions I made during that relationship, I'd slap my younger self in the face and groan like hell. I just wasn't very smart. I BELIEVE I've gotten over that, maybe because of that relationship and idoicy (I hope I'm not still in the "put the significant other above you" stage in abandonment recovery. ._....XD). But that's besides the point. I would get a little twing of jealously, but I've never considered myself to be the emputitude of beauty, so in the end its just something I can turn into fun. At least to me. It is my other that I am worried about...

tunnel-vision...that's a bit big for what I am. I see beauty in many things. I don't only see her as beauty. But I've always been a big fan (like always). I want to know if stating that you are a fanboy or fangirl of a certain person, is that much of a turnoff. Like I said, if they have the ability to care, then its not much of a problem to me...Its the other I am worried about. :/...Though I guess you did answer your personal opinion as well...

...I digress, I really don't want to continue the conversation here. I was a bit uneasied about the first response to it, so much so that I didn't feel like responding to this at all. (I only forced myself because I want to respond to basicly anything evenually...otherwise it will bother me even more. I only posted the fanboy thing because I beleived the feeling it tends to give...gives the illusion of cheating (for a lack of a better word), and I wondered how big it was to other people. But this has become a bit to personal, and I blame myself for that...

 

[Mandi.]

IF I'm talking about my own psychology, I understand it about as well as any person without reading a book or taking a class on it can. I guess the difference is that I was quite emotional back then, and tended to act on my emotions really easily. Even if I was very restrictive about it. I've learned to control myself much better, and Basically don't care about fangirling as long I know the girl cares about me. To be honest, if I was too look back at some of the decisions I made during that relationship, I'd slap my younger self in the face and groan like hell. I just wasn't very smart. I BELIEVE I've gotten over that, maybe because of that relationship and idoicy (I hope I'm not still in the "put the significant other above you" stage in abandonment recovery. ._....XD). But that's besides the point. I would get a little twing of jealously, but I've never considered myself to be the emputitude of beauty, so in the end its just something I can turn into fun. At least to me. It is my other that I am worried about...

tunnel-vision...that's a bit big for what I am. I see beauty in many things. I don't only see her as beauty. But I've always been a big fan (like always). I want to know if stating that you are a fanboy or fangirl of a certain person, is that much of a turnoff. Like I said, if they have the ability to care, then its not much of a problem to me...Its the other I am worried about. :/...Though I guess you did answer your personal opinion as well...

...I digress, I really don't want to continue the conversation here. I was a bit uneasied about the first response to it, so much so that I didn't feel like responding to this at all. (I only forced myself because I want to respond to basicly anything evenually...otherwise it will bother me even more. I only posted the fanboy thing because I beleived the feeling it tends to give...gives the illusion of cheating (for a lack of a better word), and I wondered how big it was to other people. But this has become a bit to personal, and I blame myself for that...

Sorry for sounding like a bitch in my post. But honestly in the real world, that's how a lot of people are going to think, unfortunately. Not everyone is going to understand you, and that goes for everyone as well.

Slight fanboying/fangirling is normal ..but I will emphasize 'slight'. If you're afraid your fanboying over an anime character is going to interfere with your real life relationships, then that's where there's a problem, and you have to look at yourself and think 'do I want to continue fantasizing over a drawing who will never really be with me' or 'do I want a real girlfriend who I can be with physically and emotionally.' Sure you can have both.. but just being honest here, a lot of people in the real world will think it's absolutely strange.. and it will possibly be a turn off for a lot of women you meet.

 

[EmphaticPikachu]

Sorry for sounding like a bitch in my post. But honestly in the real world, that's how a lot of people are going to think, unfortunately. Not everyone is going to understand you, and that goes for everyone as well.

Slight fanboying/fangirling is normal ..but I will emphasize 'slight'. If you're afraid your fanboying over an anime character is going to interfere with your real life relationships, then that's where there's a problem, and you have to look at yourself and think 'do I want to continue fantasizing over a drawing who will never really be with me' or 'do I want a real girlfriend who I can be with physically and emotionally.' Sure you can have both.. but just being honest here, a lot of people in the real world will think it's absolutely strange.. and it will possibly be a turn off for a lot of women you meet.

I understand that the real world will think of it as weird...Its not something that's really foreign of me. Despite the fact it annoys me that they consider it so weird, I never really cared all that much. The fact that I'm an anime/manga fan in the first place is proof enough of my "weirdness". I like pokemon to what some people think is an unhealthy extend. But again, it doesn't really matter... I just don't care. Think of it like what happens when you criticize something. You will almost always get flak for it from those who like it...Why? because it disrupts their view of the world and makes them respond differently then if they agreed with it. Correct me if I'm wrong, or I'm mixing up facts, but isn't there a part of physcology that states something about building a view on life as you grow older, and a challenge to that view tends to make them react different? I read something about it, but my memories fading...Ugh, what a worst time to be having memory failures, and a quick google search about it doesn't seem to be helping...lol

Well, in any case, all I know is that generally when you challenge how some perceives the world or what is normal, they will jump at you (How much or at all depends upon the person.). Does that change my reaction? no not really, that's why I receded originally (Not taking a liking to the reaction...lol). However I still came back eventually. And I thank you for the apology.

Yeah...I understand it turns people off, but I sometimes wish people weren't so critical about it...I can't do much about it directly, but I hope to slowly change that view...On quite a lot of things like that for the matter. Buts a more personal mission, nothing to do with here. I just kinda wanted to know some thoughts about it...

 

[Thomas Elliot]

I'm reading this thread and I realize how young many of you are in here and how clueless many of you are.
I'll be honest I've cheated and I've been cheated on, hell I've been single and been the guy she is cheating with. My reasons are my own and if you really want an explanation, PM me.

When you get to be my age, you see a lot of people who have been with a certain person on and off for a set amount of time. Marriages happen, divorces happen. I've seen people get cheated on and stay together, and you can poo poo that idea all you want.
I've made mistakes in my relationship but I have also matured as an individual. I guarantee you that you kids out there that are 14 to 20, you think if this person breaks your heart there is no one else, but that's not true at all. And I also don't think that if you are that age you don't know what real love is, how far you would go for a person, what you would be willing to sacrifice.

Now before I get attacked, I'm not saying go out and cheat, or going out and cheating makes you mature or anything of the sort. Cheating is isolationist behavior, you push away the people you care about (specifically your significant other), you are paranoid, you are deleting your facebook messages, you are locking your phone. You spend so much time and energy on ensuring that you don't get caught, energy that you could be using to improve your relationship.

 

[Psychic]

I'm going to address this once to clear things up, because it's getting pretty off-topic and ridiculous.

Liking a fictional character while in a relationship sounds akin to liking a celebrity while in a relationship. Having a crush on someone you will likely never meet, never mind having a chance with, in itself can't hurt that much. But of course, everything is in moderation. If it's less of a crush and more of an obsession you can't get off your mind and won't shut up about, then it starts to become an issue and can hurt your relationship. Not because it's somehow cheating. It's an issue because it's irritating, it's pointless, it removes the focus from your partner, it can make your partner feel they have to compete for your attention, and it's just generally a surefire way to get on your partner's nerves if it's consistent.

I understand that the real world will think of it as weird...Its not something that's really foreign of me. Despite the fact it annoys me that they consider it so weird, I never really cared all that much. The fact that I'm an anime/manga fan in the first place is proof enough of my "weirdness". I like pokemon to what some people think is an unhealthy extend.

Take some perspective; you're on an internet forum full of people who love Pokemon, and consequently a huge percentage of members who love anime/manga. It's not "weird," it's just not a common hobby in the western world. You don't need to turn yourself into an outcast over it - the only way you'd be socially outcasted would be if you were obsessive over your hobby to the point that it annoyed people or made them think you're weird. Unfortunately, that's kind of what it sounds like is happening. That is simply what happens to any person who is too intense about a subject - it alienates others. That's not what you want to do.

But again, it doesn't really matter... I just don't care. Think of it like what happens when you criticize something. You will almost always get flak for it from those who like it...Why? because it disrupts their view of the world and makes them respond differently then if they agreed with it.

No, you get flack because people get annoyed by ranting. You're not doing something that's new or edgy; you're not fighting any unnecessary social constructs. You're not changing anyone's views, you're just obsessing over something and irritating people in the process.

Yeah...I understand it turns people off, but I sometimes wish people weren't so critical about it...I can't do much about it directly, but I hope to slowly change that view...On quite a lot of things like that for the matter. Buts a more personal mission, nothing to do with here. I just kinda wanted to know some thoughts about it...

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it sounds like you just don't want to accept responsibility for your own actions. If people don't like the way you behave, you can either change that behaviour, ignore them, or communicate with them and explain yourself. That's the way it goes. If a lot of people are criticizing you, it's time to ask yourself if you're the one doing something wrong, and if it's worth changing. If you don't want to change, that's your own decision, but you'll have to live with the consequences.

And to reiterate, liking/crushing a character isn't a crime. But obsessing and fangirling over anything gets irritating. You can't just assume people are going to be fine with it, or even should be fine with, because it's simply rude on your part. Whether you're doing it intentionally or not, it's annoying and shows a lack of social etiquette. While that kind of behaviour might be acceptable on the internet, in real life it's going to irritate most people.

Lastly, no, you can't automatically understand your own psychology with the same knowledge and skill of someone who is actually educated on the subject. Not to mention that you missed Kaiserin's point.

Either way, if you want to continue this conversation, this thread isn't the place to do it.

I'm reading this thread and I realize how young many of you are in here and how clueless many of you are.
I'll be honest I've cheated and I've been cheated on, hell I've been single and been the guy she is cheating with. My reasons are my own and if you really want an explanation, PM me.

When you get to be my age, you see a lot of people who have been with a certain person on and off for a set amount of time. Marriages happen, divorces happen. I've seen people get cheated on and stay together, and you can poo poo that idea all you want.
I've made mistakes in my relationship but I have also matured as an individual. I guarantee you that you kids out there that are 14 to 20, you think if this person breaks your heart there is no one else, but that's not true at all. And I also don't think that if you are that age you don't know what real love is, how far you would go for a person, what you would be willing to sacrifice.

Now before I get attacked, I'm not saying go out and cheat, or going out and cheating makes you mature or anything of the sort. Cheating is isolationist behavior, you push away the people you care about (specifically your significant other), you are paranoid, you are deleting your facebook messages, you are locking your phone. You spend so much time and energy on ensuring that you don't get caught, energy that you could be using to improve your relationship.

While it's interesting hearing your take, it did come off as a little condescending at some points, and I couldn't quite tell what point you were trying to make here. In addition, the fact that you assume the majority of the members in this thread have the same view as the say, one member everyone has been disagreeing with the entire time, leaves a bad taste in one's mouth.

Also, I'm not sure every cheater becomes as paranoid as you describe. In fact, it sounds more like the behaviour of someone who feels incredibly guilty, something not all cheaters feel. This seems like quite a blanket statement.



Seems this topic is running pretty low on steam. Have we decided whether or not cheating is "as wrong as people make it out to be"? There hasn't been much talk of that specifically as of recent.

~Psychic