QVC PRESENTS: PARADE OF POKEMON MASCOTS TELETHON SALE
Good evening, folks. So glad you could join QVC for our massive liquidation of merchandise featuring everybody’s favorite Pokemon mascots that your children are exposed to every Thursday and tell you to buy.
Is that handmade china bowl featuring art by Van Gogh that you bought from us suddenly making you feel empty? Has the novelty finally worn off that mass-produced gold-plated football we sold you? Have you awoken to the realization that the commemorative mint-condition Obama coin you ordered last week is completely worthless? Well, then good news – these collectibles featuring Pikachu & Piplup’s deserted island adventure are high-quality products you won’t regret buying!
As the episode begins, we see Pikachu & Piplup looking forlorn and yelling out upon the sea. This would be a good time to remind you that all orders are non-refundable, but also that the first item we are selling is a set of wine glasses featuring Pikachu & Piplup stranded. Pure vintage. But, oh look – it’s Ash and Dawn and that other dude who just hangs out in the background. Nobody wants to buy stuff with them on it, so fortunately, the episode cuts right to a flashback of Pikachu & Piplup messing around in the engine rooms. Look at how cute they are! So adorable! Makes you wanna buy this hand-crafted Piplup wind chime, don’t it?
Pikachu & Piplup have now been captured by TR and thrown into a capsule, kinda like a pill. Speaking of which, we’ve got these great pain killers on sale that have Pikachu’s face on the bottle. But they’re a limited-time offer, so buy now before that jackass across the street buys the last one! The duo now runs past a band of Probopass. To commemorate the appearance of such a holy figure in the episode, we are also selling a Probopass-shaped canteen of holy water. This offer only lasts for the next five minutes, however, so hurry!
Pikachu is now picking apples for Piplup; makes you kinda hungry, huh? Well, you’re in luck, as we happen to have a newly-arrived supply of hard candies shaped like Pikachu & Piplup’s heads! Suddenly, the two begin using their bubble and lightning attacks, respectively, to cause a storm. What better time than to show off not only our Piplup bubble bath goods, but our Pikachu night light! This package comes in a bundle, giving you two for the price of one! Now the great Muku.BIRD has appeared in the episode, but no merchandise of the bird is for sale due to the fact that our previous Muku.BIRD clearance sale caused our consumers brain damage.
A mysterious crystal has appeared! At this point, we’d like to inform you all that these crystal figurines of the rat and the penguin are one-of-a-kind, and make great gifts for anyone. The duo has now gone scuba-diving with their assorted water Pokemon friends, and now your kids can, too, with this brand-spanking-new Piplup snorkel kit! That’s right; your kid can now be just as obnoxious as what he sees on TV! Alas, Deoxys has now arisen, and as your kids can tell you, Deoxys is a super-rare-uber-must-have legendary Pokemon, whose goods we are offering at legendary prices! But of course, both this sale and this show are about Pikachu & Piplup, so Deoxys is quite insignificant.
Holy crap, is that Yanmega? We’d sell Yanmega plushies if we could, but unfortunately, people only care about Pikachu & Piplup. As the sun sets and the episode draws to a close, take one last glance at the two forced mascots and think about how badly you want to pinch their adorable little cheeks. And as a bonus, all orders placed today will come with a free keychain featuring the duo, as the writer of this joke review realizes how unnecessarily long it was and how he could have instead been out buying more dolls of Pikachu & Piplup.
We’ll see you next time here on QVC, where we will be selling exclusive merchandise of Steelix and Arcanine, the two secondary mascots of the Pokemon anime.