~*Chosen*~ (Rated PG) (an original story idea)

[Ice_Scyther]

Hi people! I know my current fanfic isn't the best, but this one I worked hard on. I don't mind Constructive Critiscism, but I don't like blunt reviews. Don't flame. NOTE: This is not copying the elements from Avatar, the Last Airbender, these are the original Greek Elements. so please enjoy!

11/2-Updated Chapter 1 and prolouge! Go me!

Pronunciations-Ryuzan-(RY-you-zin)
Kaisui-(kye-SUE-ee)
Chiion-(SHE-on)
Firas-(FEAR-is)
Mizuki Hikara-(me-ZOO-key he-CAR-uh)
Channeler-(CHAN-ul-er)

~*Chosen*~



Prologue (kinda)


This planet is made up of four elements-Air, Water, Earth, and Fire. Everything has its purpose in this world. There is nothing that is not made from these elements. Well, maybe Bose, I don’t know. Bose is a theory created by Einstein. It may exist, it may not. But anyway, back to the point. Every thousand years, four kids are chosen to represent each of these elements. An ‘Air Channeler’ from Ryuzan, A ‘Water Channeler’ from Kaisui, An ‘Earth Channeler’ from Chiion, and a ‘Fire Channeler’ from Firas. They are chosen to confront an evil so large that every thousand years it can manipulate that world and plunge it into eternal darkness. The Channelers can only defeat this evil together. It can never be completely destroyed, because it is made from everyone’s evil in this world. This is the story of one of these Channelers, living in the nation of Kaisui. He doesn’t yet know his destiny, to save the world from the great evil…


CHAPTER ONE: An Encounter in the Sea

Mizuki Hikara was a farmer from the eastern province of Kaisui. He had brown, ruffly hair. He was an average height for his age of 14, about 5’9” tall. He weighed a little less then standard, about 102 lbs. He had blue eyes that changed color to a very bright blue when a storm was coming. His father had said he was a Storm Watcher, a group of people living here. They could sense storms coming from far away. He also had a very likeable personality. He was not just a Storm Watcher, for he was the next Water Channeler.

He headed off to the small, lake near his home. He jumped into the lake and let the cool water surround him. He floated onto a small island in the middle of the lake. This island was very sandy, but had a few waterfruit trees. Waterfruits were large, plump pink fruits that grew on islands such as this one. His mother had told him to gather some of these fruits for dinner today. He took out a basket and gathered the ones that were the plumpest, and placed them in. When the basket was full, he went back into the water and swam back to the shore. He ran over to his house and placed the waterfruit on the table. He then grabbed another basket and went back to the sea, but swam to a different island. This one was a bit larger, with a few waterfruit trees. It was grassy in some areas, but mostly sandy. He once again gathered the fruits, and jumped back into the water. He loved the water, and was an excellent swimmer. He started to swim back to shore when a seadragon caught him! Seadragons are like medium-sized wing-less dragons, with blue scales and a very short temper. They have one head, but once they clamp on, they never let go. It is unknown how or why they can live in such small environments. They have a habit of hiding in they rocks, so their prey dosen’t know they are there. Mizuki struggled against the seadragon’s might, but couldn’t break free. He tried to get back up to the surface but the seadragon kept him down. He slowly started running out of oxygen. ‘I’m dying!’ he thought as he blacked out.

He awoke on a small island. He did not recognize this one, for it was more tropical then beach-like. ‘Am I dead?’ Mizuki asked himself. He got up and noticed a gash in his leg where the seadragon had clamped onto him. He limped over to an odd shrine. Suddenly, he saw his land being plagued with darkness, and in the mist of it all, there were four figures channeling the for elements at the darkness. He glanced at one, who was controlling water. He gasped in shock. ‘Is th-that me?’ he thought. FIND YOUR DESTINY…. Said an odd voice. He then blinked and saw the shrine again. “That was odd,” he said aloud. He touched the shrine and it glowed blue. “What the-“ he stammered glancing around. An old man then appeared in the shrine. “Mizuki, you must understand your destiny. You are not Mizuki, the farmer; you are Mizuki, the Water Channeler!” said the old man. “So…did you bring me here?” he said questionly. “Yes, for your life must stay alive!” said the man disappeared. “ Ok…I wonder what just happened? Maybe I’m dreaming…” He thought aloud. He then saw his hands glow blue. As he lifted his hand toward the ocean, a stream of water came up. “So the old man was right…I AM a Water Channeler!” Mizuki said in shock. He was surprised. He wondered why HE was chosen, why HE had to save the world. He eventually took it in, and set off for his long journey…

Short, I know, but please review!

-I.S. ;123;

 

[Ledian_X]

Wow. Just. Wow.

It's a good story so far and very descriptive. I hope there's more dialogue later. The story sort of reads like a hero beginning. But, then again I read comics. Keep up the good work on this fic. The combining of the four elements is cool and has been done before with the Fantastic Four but don't worry about power copying. All that matters is the execution. Nicely done story! I can't wait to see more!

LX

 

[Ice_Scyther]

Thanks! I have fans! Whooooooooooooo!

 

[umbreon_lover]

It's ok but I've seen something like it before *coughs* *Avatar*

 

[whit19]

It's ok, but I wanna see a longer chapter (It's gotta be at least two pages on word.) and I think you mighta spent too much time on describin Mizuri (I mean with the weight and the fact about how his eyes change.). Most people like it betta if you describe his appearance through actions and etc.

It's ok but I've seen something like it before *coughs* *Avatar*

Honestly, nothin is original anymore... What story can you make that doesn't borrow any ideas from another story? At least the story ain't an exact copy of Avatar.

 

[Ice_Scyther]

Hey! I didn't copy Avatar! They are the ORIGINAL Greek Elements! Air, water, earth, fire. It wil get more original and longer. chill please.

 

[Ledian_X]

Guys, lay off Ice Scyther would ya? His fic uses the four basic elements of Earth, Fire, Wind and Water. Those are anicent and there's no problem using it if someone else is doing it. It's all in the execution. Similarly, Earth, Fire Wind and Water are used to describe the Fantastic Four and they've been going strong since 1961.

Anyway, let him tell the rest of the story. Anyway, listen to what whit and I said, Scyther. Just go for longer chapters and such. You should be all right.

LX

 

[Yami Ryu]

I don't mind Constructive Critiscism, but I don't like blunt reviews. Don't flame.

So basically you're going for the people that really don't critisize :x

Okay. Overall ... it does seem like an Avatar rip off, even with what you claim, it's still too much like Avatar; the last Air Bender plotwise. Were you maybe unknowingly inspired and are ashamed to admit it? It's not wrong to be inspired to write something because something inspired a plot for it. But mass claiming your story doesn't take from it, well, leads people to think you did take from the series.

First Paragraph; Why dod you think you must describe the person in one place, and then act like you don't need to describe him after that? This kinda leads to your problem, that you still have, and seem unable to get over. OF DESCRIBING STUFF. Your story would be better if you explained stuff.

Like the dragon.

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE. Is it BIG. IS IT SMALL. DOES IT HAVE THREE HEADS, FIVE, OR ONE?

This is the problem it seems I think you'll forever have, and with people like LX reviewing, which don't seem able to tell constructive criting from patting on the back reviewing to keep the author going, you aren't going to get better Ice Scyther.

But eh, you won't listen to me. You'll just say I'm a flamer. And yada yada yada. And what, ignore me if you haven't already?

Oh and I find it funny, that you claim my prologue was too short, when this chapter, or the mockery you call a chapter, is rushed, short, not descriptive and overall bad.

Oh, and also, don't ignore me. Why? Because when you ignore someone trying to help you get better, you only come off as an arrogant *** that will always stay in stagnant water. Meaning if you ignore the people that try to help you, you won't get very far in writing.

 

[Saffire Persian]

Intruding on this little war, I agree with everything Renegade is pointing out. You should be happy that he actually TOOK the time to read your story.. Although, it now occurs to me it's short enough for someone not even interested in the thing to read. Generally, and I mean 99.9 % of the time, Prologues are more then a dang paragraph. You happen to be that miniscule 1%, and there's a reason the minority is so low.

However, perhaps you could have made up for it by making the first chapter a bit longer, but it as, what? Three paragraphs long? Now, while the combined prologue and first chapter would've made a fair prologue length wise, alone, they don't make a minimum length chapter. But it is more then a page, I'll give you that. Now, I'm going to go over this, so maybe you'll realize that it's not only Renegade's opinion.

Well, maybe Bose, I don’t know.

Care to enlighten us who Bose is? And why he/it whatever does not fall under the element catagory?

They are chosen to confront an evil so large that every thousand years it can manipulate that world and plunge it into eternal darkness.

Okay.. So they confront it? Obviously they have to defeat it some way or another.. so WHY the heck does it keep coming back? Explain why, for us people who do not know what's going on in the plot...

Now, after that Paragraph.. I move onto the first chapter.

Mizuki Hikara was a farmer from the eastern province of Mizuri. He had brown, ruffly hair. He was an average height for his age of 14, about 5’9” tall. He weighed a little less then standard, about 102 lbs. He had blue eyes that changed color to a very bright blue when a storm was coming.

This is pure, straight out description of a character. Generally, you do not want to do that. You need to weave elements into it, so it doesn't sound so... Bland. Use some actions that bring us to this present time.. and personally, I do not think we need to know Mizuki's weight.... unless it had something to do with the story that is of grave importance. It's one of those things that people really don't care about.

s father had said he was a Storm Watcher, a group of people living here. They could sense storms coming from far away. He had a very likeable personality, but he was not just a Storm Watcher, he was the next Water Channeler.

I'm sorry.. but I'm confused. What does personality have to do with being a Storm watcher? He has a likable personality, but he was not a storm watcher... How the heck does that correlate to anything? Does having a likable personalty make a person a Storm Watcher? Somehow I don't think so. But if it is, explain WHY. Answer our questions, we don't know about your world you made up; don't expect us to.

He headed off to the small, blue lake near his home.

Aren't lakes blue? I'm not banging on the fact you use description, but people can usually infer that a LAKE is a blue color of some sort. Unless it's some odd color - like pink - I'd leave that word out.

He jumped into the lake and let the cool, blue water surround him. He back floated onto a small island in the middle of the lake. This island was very sandy, but had a few waterfruit trees.

What did I say about blue? While it's not bad to describe, you don't need it there because you describe so little. If it was something like: "Mizuki waded slowly into the lake, the sapphire water glinting in the sun's rays. Slowly, he made his way further into the lake, until his feet no longer touched the grainy surface below. He allowed the liquid to envelope him as he went onto his back, allowing himself to float aimlessly to wherever the lake willed him to."

Note that was haphazardly written, but I hope you get to the point. You could've, during his little "floation" (Which, bytheway, I find very odd that he 'floated' to the island. Why didn't he just swim?) to think to himself. You could explore his feelings, and justify him floating to the island because he wanted to think, and because the water relaxed him. That would make sense, considering he's a water-channler.

Waterfruits were large, plump pink fruits that grew on islands such as this

but swan to a different island.

Swam. NOt swan. Swan is a bird .

This one was a bit larger, with a few waterfruit trees. It was grassy in some areas, but mostly sandy. He once again gathered the fruits, and jumped back into the water.

Okayyyy, so he's gathering fruits. Care to explain why he makes these little trips, 'cause right now, they seem a little pointless. Is he getting them for his mother? To sell them in town.. because he loves the fruits and wants to eat them himself?

He loved the water, and was an excellent swimmer.

More detail!

He started to swim back to shore when a seadragon caught him!

Forgive me, but I LAUGHED here. Loudly. He got caught by a Seadragon, which apparently inhabit a lake, and they do not seem to be friendly creatures. Mizuki's obviously been to the island before.. so.. if there were Seadragon's that could catch him, Why the HECK would he bother to swim out to the island - or for that matter, float. And that leads me to another point, why didn't they catch him while he was floating.. I mean, yeesh, would you float and swim around in a lake that has crocodiles in?

I wouldn't.

[/quote]Seadragons are like wing-less dragons, with blue scales and a very short temper. [/quote]

As Renegade said, more description. Is it a fat creature? Is it bipedal, or does it use four legs.. does it even have legs at all?

‘My lungs are bursting!’ he thought as he blacked out.

...What an odd think to think as you die. XD

He gasped in shock. ‘Is th-that me?’ he thought. FIND YOUR DESTINY…. Said an odd voice. He then blinked and saw the shrine again. “That was odd,”

I concur. That was extremely odd. First, he was blacking out to a watery doom.. now he's on this island. Whaa?

“Mizuki, you must understand your destiny. You are not Mizuki, the farmer; you are Mizuki, the Water Channeler!”

X.x.. How does this man know him? You said the children were chosen. Certainly not as randomly as this! You need some background as to why. In fact, I'd have him be a water-channler from the beginning, and spend the first chapter delving into Mizuki's background. We need to know this character, after all.


s

‘So the old man was right…I AM a Water Channeler!’ Now Mizuki knew his place in the world, as he set out to say goodbye to his family to seek out the darkness….

Mizuki here doesn't seem to be human. How does he feel - scared, excited, challenged? And to think he'd automatically go to confront the darkness, and just give a little good-bye to his family. I, personally, don't see this happening. The darkness hasn't even appeared yet, or so it has seemed like. Everything seems to be peachy.. of course, you didn't give much background as to setting...

Now, I think I've pointed everything out to you, and perhaps you'll realize that Renegade isn't the only person who thinks such things about your story.

You seem affronted at what he says - true, he is harsh, but I can see why. He has commented to many of your stories, yet you make the same mistakes. He IS giving you constructive criticism, just more constructive then you'd like, apparently. But really, you could learn from it. Take his advice for what it's worth. Don't do the same mistake twice..

And no, I am not flaming. I'm giving you advice. Take it, use it, don't cast it aside. Learn from people who are more experienced in writing, be grateful. In fact, read the stories that get so much high praise. You can learn a lot by reading them. Read your favorite books, learn from them, and you'll also see where your problems lie.

 

[Ice_Scyther]

Yeah, thanks for the advice Renegade and Saffire Persain, i'll work on it.

-I.S. ;123;

P.S.-Wow! A post without arguing with Renegade! Go me! *dances*

EDIT: I fixed it as well as I could!

 

[Ice_Scyther]

Sorry for double posting, I wanted to get the new chapter up.

Pronunciation guide:

Ryu-(ROO)
Kataro-(KAY-TAR-oh)


CHAPTER TWO: The Search for the Other Channelers!

Mizuki said goodbye to his family and left the town that he had lived in for 14 years. He looked back on his memories he had had there over the years. He turned forward and walked toward the horizon.

As Mizuki walked down the field, he thought, ‘Wait a minute…I can’t take on the darkness by myself! I am just one Channeler! How can I find the others?’ He asked himself. “I’ll answer that.” Replied a voice. The old man once again appeared! “What the-where did you come from?” Mizuki asked in surprise. “I have my info, which humans will never know-but back to the point. There are three other Channelers, in each of the other three nations. Since the closest is the air nation, Ryuzan, I would recommend you go there first.” Replied the old man. “So…how can I find them?” “They may not know they are Channelers, so you cannot just ask, ‘Are you a Channeler?’. You will know when you encounter them.” “How? By the way, what is your name?” “My name I shall not reveal until the time is right, and I must go. May our paths cross again,” said the man, disappearing into the air. Mizuki then headed east, toward the nation of Ryuzan.

After traveling for a few days, Mizuki arrived at a sign saying ‘Welcome to Ryuzan. Please have your passport to enter.’ Mizuki took off his heavy backpack and got out his passport. He walked into a small office near the sign. It was very warm and stuffy. There were papers cluttering the red walls. It was very cramped. It had one window, but it was closed.

“Can I help you?” asked a voice. Mizuki turned around and saw an old man behind a grey, metal desk. “Yes, I need a stamp for my passport.” He replied. Mizuki held out his passport to the old man. The man took out a red stamp that said ‘RYUZAN OFFICE OF RECORDS’. He took out a green ink pad and stamped Mizuki’s passport. “You may go now,” said the man. Mizuki left the office, and felt the nice, cool breeze outside cover and surround him. He took a deep breath and headed to a large, clay gate. He stopped in front of a large man with green armour. “Passport?” he asked in a gruff voice. Mizuki held out his passport. The man checked it and opened the gate. Mizuki walked into the large capital city of Ryuzan, Kataro.


Mizuki looked around at the large, bustling city. There must have been thousands of people in the marketplace. The tallest buildings seemed to scrape the sky. The marketplace was filled with people selling everything from beautiful sand art glasses from Chiion, and genuine volcano rocks from Firas. Mizuki walked over to a stand selling ‘plump’ waterfruits from Kaisui. “These waterfruits aren’t plump!” said Mizuki, looking at the sad selection. “And so what is plump?” replied the merchant in a snobby voice. Mizuki reached for his pack, pulling out a very large waterfruit. “OK boy, you are starting to aggravate me!” the man said, pulling out a butcher’s knife. Kaisui noticed a well nearby. He focused his energy into his hand as it glowed. He streamed the water into a ball and launched it at the man. “What the heck!?!?” shouted the man in shock as he was hit. He fell onto the hard, grey pavement and used a few words I will not repeat because this is rated PG. People turned and saw Mizuki’s glowing hands. “Th-the next Water Channeler? But it’s a second until-whoops, now it’s not.” Said an observer. “No-oh crud…” said Mizuki, pulling up his hood. He dashed through the marketplace, dodging looks as he went. “Over here!” said a voice. Mizuki turned and headed into the alley where the voice came from. No one noticed where he had gone. A young boy, about 12 came out of the shadows.

He was about four and a half feet tall, dressed in green rags. He had dirty blonde hair, and blue eyes. Mizuki then felt something odd. ‘You will know…this must be the Air Channeler!’ thought Mizuki. “I’m Ryu,” said the boy. “What’s your name?” “Mizuki, from Kaisui,” replied Mizuki. “So how’d you do that?” “Do what?” “Pretend to control water,” “Er…well…I wasn’t really pretending…” Ryu then burst with laughter. “Not pretending!!! Ha! Next you’re gonna tell me you’re the next Water Channeler. “I was, but now you seem to know.” Ryu’s laughter immediately ceased. “You’re kidding, right?” “Nope,” replied Mizuki. “Really?” Yes! I’m serious!” “Riiiiiiiight,” “I told you I am!” “Ok, then show me some channeling.” “Fine.” Replied Mizuki, lifting up his hand. He once again pointed it toward the well. It glowed blue and he focused the water into a ball and threw it into a wall. Ryu looked in awe. “Ok…so you ARE the Water Channeler.” “Told ya so,” Mizuki said,” “Ok, then follow me!” laughed Ryu, running down the alley. “I’m coming!” said Mizuki, chasing after him.

Ryu led him to an abandoned shack. The shack was black with decay, and very run-down. Ryu opened the door and it fell off. “Whoops…” he said. They walked into the shack. There was nothing there except a pole leading into the floor. “Follow meeeeee!” shouted Ryu as he slid down. Mizuki followed and slid down. Ryu decided he would pull a 360. He spun really quickly as he flew off. He grabbed a plank from the wall and leapt onto it. He spun around upside-down and landed on a small mattress. Mizuki followed. He looked around. “Whoa,” was all he could manage.

This may, once again, be to short for your likings. Please review!

 

[Guitar dude bill]

it was good and all. it was quite rushed though. here are the ratings
origianality: very original. apart from the 4 elements.
grammar: don't rely on me to correct grammar cause i suck at it myself
entertainment: it is quite entertaining but you can improve a bit
description: you were definetly good in description
length: too short, needs to be alot longer.
P.S.
STOP DOUBLE POSTING!
IT'S OBVIOUS YOU REALIZE
AND STOP USING THAT EXCUSE FOR
I WANT TO GET THE NEW CHAPTER UP
YOU CAN STILL EDIT YOUR LAST POST WHICH IS JUST AS EASY

 

[Yami Ryu]

Blingin G; STFU and learn the right way to mini mod. If it's a chapter or new art or to keep an RP alive, you can double post. It is allowed.

Ice Scyther, your story is still suffering from what I told you in my first post, and even worse. You're rushing the damn thing, which leaves little chances for an original plot to develop, and all you're ending up with is a bad copy of Avatar; the last air bender. You should be trying to correct where you are wrong, not continually posting out bad and rushed chapters.

 

[Ice_Scyther]

Ok, Renegade, I will continue to tolorate you. I will try to work on it.

Oh yeah, Blingin G, learn to crit.

 

[Guitar dude bill]

Oh yeah, Blingin G, learn to crit.

does crit mean critiscize or somthin. and what da heck is "avatar" i have never heard of it. and i am just saying where you can improve. and where i say it is bad is criticising. oh and renegade. since when was their a rule that "i wanted to get the new chapter up" an excuse for double posting> sorry filterkeys is on and i don@t know how do get rid of it> and I@m just trying to stop him from either getting a warning strike or getting another fan_fic closed down again>

 

[Yami Ryu]

Blingin G, use the brain god gave you, to use. If it's not spam. If it's new work, etc, etc, etc, it is alright to double post then and only then, I have seen Razor Leaf tell a user called Clare it was alright, Zephyr Flare chewed out someone doing what you're doing to I_S what they did to me, when; since no one replied to my fanart as I wasn't all perfect/an attention ***** noob, I was forced to once do 8 double posts in a row.

And also LOOK AT THE POST DATES. They are five days apart, not an hour, not two hours, not two minutes. Five days.

If you don't believe me why don't you go ask a Mod of an RPG/Fan Art/Fanfic sections.

Ice_Scyther; it's nice to know you won't call me a flamer then --; but you've ignored what I told you the first time, and I'm doubting you're going to really listen to me now. And re-reading that 'chapter', now lets me see; you're character is dangerously bordering the line between mary sue and main character.

 

[umbreon_lover]

I have to agree with renegade *nods head* and to steal a bit of her advice use the brain god gave you Ice scyther and stop using names you've you used before >.< <---- brain freeze Also Kataro *replaces o with a* Katara wow go me

 

[Guitar dude bill]

Sorry renegade, umbreon lover and ice_scyther. i guess it is an excuse. my friend did that and if you say that than i guees it's true. sorry you lot. and well, what does stfu mean. though i think i know though

 

[Ice_Scyther]

Ok, guys stop ganging up on me. Renegade, I'll listen to you. Umbreon_Lover-Kataro is an old Japanese last name, genius. Blingin G, stfu means shut the f*** up. And crit does mean criticize.

For my actual fans, Chapter 3 will be up soon.

EDIT-the Adventures of Ryu(pronounced other way), Dragon Master was closed. therefore, I will use names from there. *spits out tongue*

 

[umbreon_lover]

jeez i did not no that Kataro was like that *backs off* *leaves to poke sokia*