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Chronicles of Pangea: Rise of the Plague

Discussion in 'Non-Pokémon Stories' started by milc546, Dec 12, 2010.

  1. milc546

    milc546 << Bonkers

    this is my first fic, so im not really good. please rate and review and please constructive criticizm and you know all that. if this isn't in the correct place please move it mods. anyways, enjoy!

    Chronicles of Pangea: Rise of the Plague
    A great land there once stood, a clean land that no man ever inhabited or even touched, well, excluding monkeys. Pangea. Its secrets were then muffled into the darkest corners of the great Earth. It'll take one of the older hawks to know the history. But this book, or text, will save that mystery. Twas a land of perfectness, ever-growing trees, ever-smelling grass, and ever-clean water. Upon it there lay the bird father Stormcrow. He flew around the great Pangea day and night, eating glorious purplefruit and redpeach. His descendants were skilled with aerial combat and when one ever decides to go to the ground its beak will wreak havoc. They live high in the mountains of Evern, in their great nests of shizzlewood. They became a big part in both animal wars and their flocks would rain down fury upon the next war, the Plague War. Then there lived the insect swarms. Though gross, their allies respect them, and played a well-earned role in the Plague War. The swarm tribe HiveFlutter, their descendant, still plays a wide role in shaping futuristic Pangea, or North America as the men call them. And there were the amphibians. As descendants of mother RainDrop, they spread to the deepest reefs, allying with the great academies of fish. Their naval skills are unmatched, and their toad army is not something even lions want to face for their armies are so huge that on a muddy road, there is not a speck of brown. But aside from all this, the mammal horde stays unmatched, rising in their supreme throne, the savannahs of CaveRealm. Not only is their endurance the best, their size outmatches even the quantity of insects and halfbreeds combined! They wreak havoc more than birds and even the monkeys will be sure to destroy something with their pebbles and sticks. Even we, the men, started from there, but that time they were just a lowly outcast tribe. And who could forget the reptilian alliance! Always with those pesky venom vipers, or color changing chameleons. They took to the thirsting deserts of SnakeVeptor for their defeat at Mount Monsoon was a humiliating one indeed. But one day, the plague came, or the plague war as I said which changed everything, including Pangea.

    The plague was an interesting study indeed, their vengeance seemed to come upon the caves of Kuldanath and the cities of Pericilia (reference to Pericles an Kuldanath was made up). Once again its fury came upon the empire of Lioniheart (Richard the Lionhearted) and Charlotte (Charlemagne). They seemed to be the shapeshifters, as KeenFlight stated. First as swarms, then as rodents. When they become smartbrains, says KeenFlight, then the empire of Vengeance will begin. I pray he is wrong, but nobody knows. The Plague War, however, was the beginning of all this. It invaded the whole of Pangea. Swarm after swarm of plague infested insects infected the cities, and they died a painful death. There were heroic triumphs and humiliating defeats, but the mammals, oh they put up a great fight, honorable and valiant. Prides of lions stormed the hives of Nazakash and plague greeted them. Throwing all the primates and tigers at the plague they truly did do something. But then they fell. Their story began somewhat like this.

    Chapter 1: Elephants and Primates

    It was a clear and bright morning day for Everswift, the swiftest of the warrior chimps. He was greeted by a dear friend, BananaBeard, when he was walking by the gravel road. They nodded a greeting and walked past. BananaBeard must be busy, he usually had something to say, a riddle or something.Light conversations peppered the air as the beautiful morning flowed through the overhanging oaks. As the chimpanzee approached the wooden walls of Kalilith the panther guards greeted him with a welcoming purr. "Greetings, ssssoldier Eversssswift." purred a delicately charming pitch black panther, with its glowing green eyes radiating like emeralds only greener.

    "Cut it out, EmeraldEye." repeated Everswift, for this was a daily failed flirt attempt.

    The wooded gates creaked and groaned and then opened and the chimp went through. He was greeted by many female chimps and fellow soldiers as he crossed the Pachyderm Square. It was filled with cries of every emotion as usual, but this time it was different. "Make way for the elephant cavalry!" warned a primate general. His muscles boomed like something undescribable and his punches must hurt. He had great teeth and his worn old sash just marked another great ape in war.

    Pretty soon elephant stomps were heard. Not just a few like the fun circus but way more. And mounted on them were skilled apes armed with sticks sharpened to the core and on their backs were strapped with even more. "Yew Javelins..." muttered Everswift.

    "How do you like them?" showed off a taunting, not to mention rude, primate.

    Everswift didn't reply. The Elephant Cavalry, being a royal army they were not to be insulted, and Everswift, being a lowly chimp soldier in a lowly town, BarkBustle, was just too unfortunate. Howls of apish laughter was heard, and a banana, perhaps rotting from being in the fruit sack too long, was thrown. It was aimed with perfect accuracy. The elephants, and one howled the elephant shriek and the rest stampeded on and went to the great forests of Kaldoon. "What errand brings you there, genereal Hellhowl?" asked the inquisitive and all too familiar voice.

    BananaBeard. Chimpanzee civilians struggled to keep his mouth shut but the old coot, though wise, just caught too much attention. That instantly angered Hellhowl. "BananaBeard! Too long you have avoided the king's wrath! We shall make your execution here! Today! You may be a candidate for an archbrainer but your life ends here!" boomed the angered voice of the general, and the sharpest of all sticks, was pointed at BananaBeard.

    BananaBeard, when tempered, was a terrible enemy. His old man shell seemed to break and inside a wizard's brain it was. He struck his old wooden staff and thus the shell broke"I might not be an archbrainer but highbrainer I am! No highbrainer ever retires! King FuryStorm II ordered me here!" boomed BananaBeard.

    "FuryStorm's not here anymore. You may have avoided death but you have an angry lion in your room now BananaBeard!" boomed Hellhowl.

    His fierce voice echoed many times yet no walls were surrounding him. In other words it was deafening. Now let me tell you one thing: The Forests of Kaldoon, as stated by BananaBeard, is a very terrible place. Swarms of vicious insects, with no hesitation to sting any passerby to death, and with a sadistic will to torment, live in the forest. And even worse news: They hated loudness. Last seen of them was swarm leader BuzzBlast IV. His pact with BarkBustle soon faded after the years. No one knows how hostile these swarms are now. "Temper the insects you may," said BananaBeard ,"But stings they return."

    HellHowl was very much angered by that, what saved BananaBeard from getting beaten to a pulp by dangerously sharp sticks, was, that HellHowl, in his limited brain, had no comebacks. So the ape kept silent, snarling curses. After all that commotion, Pachyderm Square returned to its normal, typical, chatter place. The Elephant Cavalry marched on. But with all the previous commotion, HellHowl dropped his map, marked with destinations and all that. BananaBeard just happened to pick it up. When the sundial struck eleven o clock BananaBeard hurried to Everswift's bark hut. "Come soldier Everswift." whispered BananaBeard's voice.

    Calling any type of mammal in the military a soldier was most commonly a big sign of insult. Kinda like ours you know. But then Everswift remembered. BananaBeard used to be a valiant fighter, a highbrainer. A very high rank in the Royal Order of Brainers and second only to the archbrainer. BananaBeard then somehow fell into a deep moment of silence at BarkBustle, after the horrific wars with swarm leader BuzzBlast III. So BananaBeard could call Everswift soldier anytime he'd liked, when given thought. "What?" asked Everswift.

    "Look here." was the brief reply.

    A rustled map was on Everswift's beautiful oak table made by his dad, FleetFoot II. Then he gasped so loudly perhaps I could've seen the vibrations made on the wall with an anglomiloscope. The map. The Mammals had declared war on the Amphibians a few days ago, for floods had appeared in WoodBurrow a leading economic city of the Mammals. So they blame it on the Amphibians. Following that flood, swarms of salamanders attacked BurrowDens and a mating session begain in WoodBurrow. To counter this, prides of lions attacked the bordering city of FloodNest. The war had caught fire. Now king FleetStorm II was sending armies of elephants across insect territory and attacking the Amphibian's capital city, DenRiver. BananaBeard, who was reading Everswift's face, which seemed as if he was forming a plan in his mind to stop this threat, nodded. "We should warn the Amphibians!" declared the chimp.

    "Wise choice, Everswift. I will lend my help." replied the wise chimp, stroking his gray beard.

    Everswift nodded and rushed out. BananaBeard was slowly walking behind. Sneaking into the Elephant Cavalry was hard though. After some time of deciding, the two monkeys decided to just follow along, praying the elephant's stomps will drown out their footsteps. Hopefully no one will turn back either. It was the fifteenth hour when the cavalry set off. Everswift and BananaBeard were nervously trailing behind in the helpful shadows. "I hope we brought enough water to douse this water." whispered Everswift in his playful metaphor.

    so how'd you like it? r&r&r!
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2011
  2. milc546

    milc546 << Bonkers

    please review pplz! i'm begging you (sorta)

    Chapter 2: Diseases and Stings

    It had not been long until the cavalry approached an insectoid village. It buzzed with weird, abnormal buzzes and wreaked acid and corpse. Fresh corpse. Its sound was amplified every millimeter they walked and it soon stung their ears as they reached the clearing. Then they noticed the scout hives. They shot acid and bees, stinging the cavalry. HellHowl screeched and cursed. Everswift and BananaBeard did their best to postpone their screeches of pain, and secretly prayed their horrible screeches would drown out. Somehow the desperate prayers were answered. All around the duo primates fell with a dying realization that two pesky chimps had followed them and deserve a good beheading. Only shrieks of no sense came through. With time, the hives fell and the cavalry rejoiced with a pathetic weakling additon added, for all they did was strike blindly and blatantly. HellHowl yelled encouraging words yet they made Everswift feel sorry for that worn primate. They marched onwards painfully, with seeping liquid coming out of the primates who recieved some terrifying stings in some almost crucial places. The woods got darker and darker, and not just because of night. It was approximately the seventeenth hour, and the darkness was at the twenty-first. The cavalry marched into the night without a pause to rest and many other hives came upon them. These were handled with more skill, for awareness can be a great weapon to have for its resistance to surprise make it, in pokemon terms: It didn't effect ELEPHANT CAVALRY. The next day was the day of real pain. Soldiers moaned and they said of a great explosion churning in their muscualr bellies. Everswift shivered at the words and wondered why he didn't feel it. BananaBeard was wary, but otherwise okay. "Keep going. We're almost approaching the end I would predict." murmured the sage, toiling through the decaying ground with the help of his carved staff.

    His fur robe was now tattered and his undergarments were showing. The cavalry's numbers had dwindled to something smaller than none and even tiredness overcame HellHowl, yet his personality was not built for openly showing it, and a great general has that made him, a fierce one too. They fell many hives that day till they came to an anthill. Flaming ants, plagued ants. "For the royal pride!" cried out HellHowl and the elephants stampeded, aiming to crush that hill with ease. "They fell for it." whispered BananaBeard, shaking his head miserably.

    It took Everswift a second to notice, but he was right. Swarms of wasps then came after the anthill had seemingly been stomped on. The elephant who did cried out and perhaps even left this world with the realization of a third degree burn on his sturdy leg wrapped in seemingly indestructible hide. Battlecries rung in the air as the primates fought, and even Everswift fought for a little. BananaBeard swiped his staff at some and threw a well aimed pebble or two. That ambush was a big factor in the Plague War, for the most famed cavalry in all of Mammal military history, had been plagued and that assured death. This allowed the devilish plague shaman to rule over the Bark County with ease, and proceeding into CaveCastle would be the most hilariously easy task ever done, with all those troops gone for war with the Amphibians. His eery cry would poison the dreams of so many, if they had a night, which would be a fortunate thing to have if you were in the midst of it. The primates, unfortunately, had a terrible reflex and tens of them died during the unexpected ambush. "Attack formation!" ordered HellHowl, who was ferociously batting off the wasps.

    The elephant cavalry's position changed, and more mosquitoes and wasps came but Everswift and BananaBeard's tree offered safe comfort for a little bit. BananaBeard had a look of sorrow on his face, and sweat on his brow. Everswift looked identical: sweaty and worried. Wasps surrounded the tough cavalry with terrifying buzzes and stings. Slowly one by one the primates fell and HellHowl, one primate who was a little more sensible than others, fled from the battle, dismounting from his beautiful elephant. His bloodstained cloak was all the remains at the fatal battle. Two or three primates followed the suit but they died of stinging pains and chills. The two sneaky chimps old and young swung from vine to vine, tracking the formerly great ape general. "I swear revenge on my fellow cavalry! Oh how the insectoids will pay! I'm glad my messanger has already asked for more reinforcements, and our northern front has succeeded in surrounding DenRiver! Reinforcements will make the surrounding attack even more fierce!" boomed the now rekindled ape general, and sprinted for what seemed like a clearing.

    "I had only just noticed that clearing." said Everswift, scratching his itching head.

    BananaBeard, too tired to ramble about traps and clearings nodded and hopped out of their comfortable tree. Their footsteps were light and nimbleness surrounded the cautious monkeys. A stream greeted the three mammals and they proceeded on. "An amphibian village..." observed BananaBeard cautiously.

    Everswift gasped and BananaBeard nodded in fright. HellHowl isn't strong enough to take out an entire VILLAGE, is he? "Nooo! HellHowl!" shrieked Everswift, blowing the protective cover.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2011
  3. Dawn_Hero

    Dawn_Hero Written Insanity~

    Altogether this was a very decent read, you have a very unique idea going here. However, I would advise against one thing: The way you started the introduction, well, is confusing. Seeing as how readers don't know anything about the world you're introducing, it's nice to get some background information, but instead of barraging them with the history of a world they don't know and throwing tons of terms at them, why not focus in on the history of Banana Beard and the events unfolding there and what made them unfold, and then expand the history through out the fic so that it isn't so confusing to those of us who don't know the world that well?

    As for your writing, it's alright. There are small mistakes here and there and sometimes you get run-on sentences, but it's definitely readable, unlike some fics posted here. Here's an example of one thing I noticed:

    The main thing I want to point out here is punctuation and sentence structure.

    First of, with the beginning sentence, "its secrets muffled into the darkest corners of the great Earth" doesn't really make sense in my head. Instead, why not try "its secrets were then muffled in the darkest corners of Earth" ? If that doesn't work for you, that's fine- I just wanted to point that out first and foremost before I got into things. I'll use my example for the rest of this.

    Now then, when you add in the part about descendants of mother Windwash, that deserves it's own sentence in my head. They're two different subjects, and the way you presented it, they don't make sense combined to form one sentence. Instead, why not try

    When you add in the part about the hawk, it's sort of added as an afterthought. To me, afterthoughts are best left as a part of that sentence in most cases. So, what about something like this?

    Now for the last bit. The final sentence has two problems in my head: First off, as a personal pet peeve of mine (I don't know if it's an official grammatical rule or not), no sentence should begin with "But" or "And." You also did this in the first sentence that I introduced. Also, the comma in that sentence isn't necessary. Whenever you see a comma, it means that the reader takes a breath and it's normally combining two sentences together. So when I read that sentence, I say "But this book, pause, will save that mystery." When you added that comma, it ruins the flow of the sentence. I can see that you may want a pause there, though, so instead of ruining the sentence flow, add a word there in commas.

    So, after taking out the two "But"s that start off sentences and fixing that comma, you can end up with something like this:

    You see, by adding in that "however" you get that pause, but the sentence flow isn't screwed up. Of course you don't have to add in these corrections, I was just trying to show you some examples.

    Hopefully some of this made sense to you. :< I'm just trying to give you some pointers on writing better. If you go through your fic and look up stuff like that and fix it, I think it'll read much more smoothly. Also, as a side note that has nothing to do with your writing, formatting makes a fic a lot less scary-looking to possible viewers. Whenever you finish a paragraph, leave a complete blank row between the end of that paragraph and the next one- press the "Enter" key twice, basically. That way each one's separated and it's easy for us to read your fic.

    All in all, great job, I enjoyed reading it. Hope to see more! :D Oh, and sorry for the hella long post. Hope you could make sense of it, cause I doubt I could if I re-read it hahah.
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2010
  4. milc546

    milc546 << Bonkers

    Thanks for the reply! Fixed it I think, unless the save was too laggy. I guess i overdid the mysteriousness. Ty again and here is chapter 3 my awesomely awesome audience (AAA)
    Everswift: hoot

    Chapter 3: Ambushes and More Pain

    Everswift and BananaBeard were approaching the eastern walls, but a great path still lay ahead. of DenRiver, but the northern front saw a danger as well. Mammals of all sorts plowed through the amphibious kingdom, which was easy, considering the only enemies were poisonous frogs and salamanders that would only stain your feet with icky blood.

    It was another day of squashing salamanders and frogs. Hopefully at DenRiver there will be a real fight, with real deaths and all. You get it. StormFoot was bored. "Come on chimps! DenRiver waits for us!" boomed the harsh chimpanzee general, RageFleet.

    Chimps hooted in glee and raised their sturdy sticks. The march continued down the muddy banks of RiverShade. It was all boring and stuff, and it felt as if a day had passed. But the clock only struck eight. That enhanced the wait. "One friggin hour?!" shrieked an insane StormFoot, who was clutching his dusty brown hair.

    All chimps stared at him like he was a madmonkey, which was true. For that moment. "We're approaching there!" boomed the general, who was irritated at the extraordinarily loud complaint by StormFoot.

    When the ninth hour was struck StormFoot was literally dead already. His throat dry and his mouth cracked. His canteen was scoured to the molecule for a drop of water, which didn't come. Then came the forest. "We've approached the jungle, sir." stated the navigator in a meek tone.

    "How?! We crossed the stream of Gorganoth! That should be 50 miles east of the Kaldoon!" boomed the angered general.

    "My prediction is that the forest grew, general. We'll have to cross it if we are to make it on time." replied the meek monkey.

    "Grrrr....Onward march chimps!"

    Thus the march was resumed and StormFoot was revived with the thought that insect swarms would live in those jungles. "Oh boy we get to fight insects!" though Stormfoot in his head.

    Little did he know he would have to flee and join the rebellion alliance against the Plague which would change his life forever. The jungle was an instant change of atmosphere. Hot and dehydration changed to cool and moist. But if it was worth it or not thats a different question overall. Did you want to get stung to death by vicious swarms or find a nearby stream and brave the desert? If you picked answer number one then, don't worry, I've got your funeral ready man. But the army did go anyways, that was unchangeable. After walking a mile or so buzzes were already heard. Hoots and howls broke out among the monkey army and went frenzy as they tried to attack the ambushing swarms. When the swarms did go away only a crippled and sick squad of monkeys were left, and StormFoot, who was scared out of his wits and bleeding terribly on a nearby tree. An eerie voice then rang in his head. "Bewarrrreee. Beewaarreee. We will get you Stormfoot."

    That made him go on total instinct mode. With a deafening hoot he lept onto another tree and started hopping to who knows where. After sprinting for quite a while he stopped. His back had a nasty gash that was oozing green unidentified liquid mixed with blood. His arms had scratches and burning stings all over them, and even without a mirror he was sure his head was very discontorted. A big purple sting above his left eye proved that even more. "I'm going to die here..." moaned the dying monkey, and that seemed pretty true, but wait and see, wait and see, my young audience.

    Buzzzzz. Buzzzz. "Oh no! Not the swarms!" hooted StormFoot, springing back into action, despite the pain.

    After an attempt at breaking into a run he reeled over in pain. "Grrrr....Forgive me..." gasped StormFoot, who was drifting into the world of disorted nightmares.


    HellHowl failed in defeating the village, and the main duo were forced into the forest... They must take a different route *dramatic music*
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2011
  5. milc546

    milc546 << Bonkers

    behold chappie 4! i know u guys are out there but hiding, JUST COME HERE AND REVIEW I DONT BITE FOR PETES SAKE! (bob: *whisper* hes lying!)

    Chapter 4: Rescues and Escapes... and more Captivity

    After hours of walking through a dense forest EverSwift and BananaBeard came upon a swarm of scout bees. "Better avoid them." whispered Banana Beard, as they dashed into an overhanging tree.

    With further inspection, the two lone chimps noticed that they were holding someone captive. But what was it? Instaneously it lept onto its feet, uncloaking its hidden identity and confirming it was a chimp. A horribly stung one. A flurry of kicks and punches mixed in with some shrieking pounded upon the swarm of bees, but their retaliation was not a nice one. A sting to the groin and the chimp was down, reeling in pain. "We got to help him!" yelled EverSwift, leaping out of the comfy tree.

    A stick works much better than hands, and thus the swarms fell with simple poking and slashing, though of course some leaping this way and that way was used. BananaBeard, equipped with some herbs he found in one of their numerous rests, rubbed it on the poor monkey's head, and life was breathed into him immediately. "Ahhhhhh! Where am I?! Evil swarms! Wait...you're not swarms...Am I in the heavens?" screeched the confused chimp, who lept onto his two furry feet.

    "No, your not in the heavens.Be glad we saved you." soothed BananaBeard.

    "Who are you guys then?" dazed the chimp. "Did I get caught running away?"

    "No, we were survivors of the BarkBustle siege." clarified EverSwift, while asking for his name.

    Nodding, the chimp spoke, "I'm StormFoot."

    EverSwift and BananaBeard introduced themselves, and after a minute of rest they went on with their long trek. The clearing was visible already and light was flooding into the damp and lonely jungle. "Sweet sunshine!" hooted StormFoot.

    "Agreed." said EverSwift, who was happily dancing around.

    When they inspected closer, their small triumph faded away. DenRiver was right in front of them, and it was in smouldering ruin already, and the job was not done by any lion claw or monkey stick. "Insects..." muttered BananaBeard.

    With a wiff of the air it was true. Rotten corpse and spoiling flesh would bombard your nose, and probably your mouth would be firing puke at it in return. So be glad your not there. Remaining frogs wandered around painfully and slowly collapsed, succumbing to the darkness of the plague. No mammal was in sight. Only a big elephant corpse who's stomach had been used as shelter and a monkey who looked as if he desperately tried to escape on the floor, seeping green and red. His stick was a few feet after him, like he tried to throw it as some crazy last ditch attempt for hitting a swarm. Or the plague got to his brain. But either way it was sad. "Where to now BananaBeard?" asked StormFoot who, after a few pukes had been clutching his nose.

    A tall spire of seaweed collapsed before any other sound was made. " Across would be too difficult..." muttered BananaBeard, who was clutching a terrible sting that broke through his leather pants.

    But that was already too late. Just too late. Darkness had clutched them firmly already, and unconsciousness, only a few paces behind, was coming to grab them. "What now?" mumbled StormFoot.

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