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Cody's Journey

What League Should Cody Enter?

  • Hoenn

    Votes: 1 9.1%
  • Johto

    Votes: 4 36.4%
  • Kanto

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Orre

    Votes: 2 18.2%
  • Orange Islands

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Battle Frontier

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Sevii Islands

    Votes: 4 36.4%

  • Total voters
    11

YankeeFan2

Number 1
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Pokemon. I only own Cody Lambert. (Not the Cody Lambert from Step By Step)

CHAPTER 1- Partners In Crime


The sun was shining in the town called New Bark Town, as the sun was rising from the peaks of the mountains, it lit up the room of a person who was taking a nap in his house. As he woke up, the room was black with the window behind him. The side window was covered. He always liked it that way. He never liked rays of sun in the morning shine both ways, just behind him was good enough. He got out of bed as his green shirt and black silky pants were exposed to the sunlight. His brown hair was all over the place as his blue eyes was filled with light. He went over to his closet and pulled out a red shirt, a black leather jacket, a gold hat and green pants. He pulled out his golden chain that was in his dresser with his red socks. He got dressed and put all the other stuff into his backpack. He knew that today was the day that Cody Lambert was going to go on a journey to who knows where? He was getting his starter Pokemon, but he wasn’t sure on where to go. It could be Johto, Kanto, Orre, Hoenn, Sevii Islands, etc., who cares as long as he has a Pokemon, he could go anywhere.

He ran downstairs to have breakfast. His mom and dad, brother and sister were there, waiting for him. Even their pet Meowth, named Kitty Meow was waiting for him.
Today’s breakfast was eggs, bacon, sausage and hash browns. As Cody sat down, they all sat there staring at him. He looked at them like they had two heads or something.

“Uh, I have a question,” he said.

“What?” asked his father, who was drinking his coffee, almost spilling on his pants and tie.

“Why are you all staring at me?” he asked.

“Oh, It’s because, my eleven year old boy is going on a journey. Where to? The Orange Islands? Hoenn? Johto? Kanto? Orre? Where?” asked his mother, as she accidentally tripped and landed in her chair.

“Well, to tell you the truth, I really don’t know for sure,” said Cody. “The world is big and I am really not sure what to do,”

“Well bro, wherever you go this family will be beside you all the way,” his younger brother, Danny said.

“Yeah,” said Stephanie. “We will be here cheering you on,”

“I remember my days when I was a Pokemon Trainer,” said his father. “Those were the glorious days I had in my life until I met your mom kids,”

“Oh, James. You didn’t have to,” his mom said as she stroked her brown hair using a brush.

Cody finished eating and took his bag, before he left, his dad called out to him.

“Cody, wait I have to give you something!” said James. His father went to his study and pulled out a green box.

“I want you to take this, I want you to keep in contact with us,”

Cody opened the gift and realized it was a red cell phone. He opened the phone and saw a fiery setting to his banner, it said, “Cody, Good Luck”.

“Oh, dad! Thanks!” he said. “I better get to the Professor’s,”



Cody finally arrived at Professor Elm’s Laboratory. He was the only resident in New Bark Town that was heading to whatever league he was going to.

“Hello, Professor Elm,”

Elm pressed his glasses up, “Hello, Cody. How are you?”

“I’m fine. You?”

“I’m okay,” he said. “I guess you are here for your Pokemon, right?”

“Yeah, is there any Pokemon left?”

“Why, yeah. There is only one of the starters left,”

Professor Elm went to the back room and pulled out a Poke Ball that contained the last starter in New Bark.

“Here it is,” he said as he released the Pokemon from the Poke Ball.

“Oh my, A Cyndaquil! I love that Pokemon,” he said.

“Cool, I know you will treat it with love and care. Here, I told Professor Oak about you and he wanted to give you something important that you can’t replace,”

He pulled out a red box. (Looks like the G/S/C Pokedex, couldn’t describe it)

“Oh cool,” said Cody, “What is it?”

“That’s a Pokedex. It records anything you see or catch. Oak told me that can help you so DON’T LOSE IT!”

“Great,” said Cody. “Thank you,”

Cody left the lab and went back to home to pack some equipment up that he deliberately forgot.
 

YankeeFan2

Number 1
sorry to double post, but I guess I should've "rephrased" the question

What League Should Cody Enter First?

Suppose you were Cody and you couldn't think of where you wanted to go, well I am keeping the first chapter up for about one week because I already voted on my own thread. More votes on the poll, the chances of Cody going to a different journey. Mostly, I am just waiting for votes that way it felt like I didn't make the poll for nothing. If you have any comments about the story itself, reply. I am ready to listen and I am willing to accept votes at anytime on the poll.

again im sorry to double post on this thread.
 

HB5squared

I'm Back
Considering he is New bark town...Johto.

It really doesn't leave a good impresion on you when you don't even know which way this story is going.

There could be more description and it seems kind of rushed. Cody is kind of (I hate to see this cliche review term but..) Gary-stu

I can see him now winning every single battle or whatever and getting his favorite pokemon that obey him right away... *rolls eyes*

try and keep away from that.

Also if you didn't want to double post...hit the edit button. Or were you trying to bump so you could be seen.

Also In my opinion, I think He should go to the orange/sevii islands because there is no GBA plot that you could follow so why don't you try that.

I'll keep reading before I do my "Overall" Excellent/good/average/poor/terible thingy so PM me when you have made the next chapter.
 

YankeeFan2

Number 1
I was just asking people's opinion on where he should go. Besides after having about two or three months of writer's block, I may post the next chappie.
 

YankeeFan2

Number 1
Here's the next chapter. Please reply! And if you haven't voted, please do so without regret. Here's the lineup so far, Johto is first, then Sevii Islands, then Hoenn. But results will change if you vote. I know some people did, but I am asking for people who haven't. Anyway, if you have enjoy the chapter and if there are any mistakes, tell me. I like to listen to them and if you have any more advice pm me and I can take a very good look.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Pokemon. I play it. Sorry for the delay, I have thought about this for a while and now I have an idea. Hope you enjoy!


Cody’s Journey: Chapter 2

Cody and Cyndaquil went home to show his parents his Pokemon that was filled with pride. His father was happy, his mother was content and his brother and sister thinks it was going to burn everything because he was a fire Pokemon.

“It’s not going to burn everything,” said Cody.

“Yeah, it will!” said Danny.

“No it won’t!” he said.

Cody took Cyndaquil and went upstairs to get his other stuff that he needed like a pass to the ferry. He was thinking of taking a trip around Johto and battle there. He knew there were eight of them, but he wasn’t really sure who they really were.

“Well, Cyndaquil, this is my room. What do you think?”

“Cynda-Cynda!” (Pretty awesome!) said Cyndaquil.

“Glad to here it,”

Cody stretched out on his bed and took a last look of everything before he leaves with his new Pokemon. He looked at the poster, the window, heck even the walls that were pasted with posters.

He got up out of bed, took Cyndaquil and left the house. He went out of the house and started on his journey to Johto. He picked up a map on the way there.

--

The trees were all around him as he continued to traverse into the forest, trying not to trip over branches or anything. He stopped and looked around. There was a fork in the middle of the road. Cody took out the map and compared it to the fork. One road led to Cherrygrove City and the other led to Blackthorn City and the northern cities.

“Well, Cyndaquil. It’s your job. Pick a path,” said Cody.

Cyndaquil looked around and picked the path to the right.

“Okay, we are going to Blackthorn City then,” he said. He put the map away in his satchel and started his journey to Blackthorn City.

He thought it was all over until he realized that where he was going was really dangerous if he wasn’t careful. He didn’t see trees anymore and the weather was starting to get colder. He was in the mountains next to Mt. Silver. According to the guide he got from his dad, that was the Silver Conference.

‘When is the next town?’ Cody thought as he was climbing up the mountains. ‘I should’ve went to Cherrygrove. Oh well, it’s too late now’.

Cody was right. The sun started to set and it was going to get a lot cooler than usual. What he didn’t know was that a Pokemon Center was coming up, right before his very eyes!

‘Wow. This must be a mirage. How is that possible? Well, might as well see if it isn’t’

Cody walked inside. The main desk was in the middle. The lobby next to it and upstairs was the trainer rooms.

“Hello, welcome to the Mountain Road Pokemon Center. How may I help you?”

“Hi, can you check up on my Cyndaquil?” asked Cody.

“Why sure,” said the Nurse. “Are you staying here for tonight?”

“Yes,” said Cody. “That walk from New Bark Town took a lot out of me,”

“Okay,” she said. She pulled out a key to one of the rooms. “Room 12,”

“Thanks, Nurse, uh?”

“Joy,” she said.

“Thank you Nurse Joy,” said Cody.

Cody walked upstairs into his room. He turned the key and opened the door. The room had two bunk beds, a computer in the corner, a dresser and a window. Cody took off his backpack and placed it next to the dresser, he also took off his hat and jacket and put them on the coat rack, which was next to the door. He sat down at the videophone and called home.

“Lambert residence,” said his father.

“Hi dad. This is Cody,”

“CODY? CODY!”

His dad’s image appeared on the screen. He had a happy smile on his face. “How are you?”

“Good, thanks,”

“Where are you?”

“I am on Mountain Road,” said Cody.

His father nodded. “So, you are going up the mountains instead of the forest? Cool! I guess it’s pretty cold up there,”

Cody nodded. “It is,”

“How’s Cyndaquil?” asked his father.

“Healthy and happy,” said Cody. “Well, got to go. Blackthorn City is a long way up from here,”

“Okay,” said his father. “Good luck on your journey,”



Cody hung up the phone and sat down. He got his Cyndaquil back from Nurse Joy. Cody changed into his pj’s and went to sleep. He has a long day tomorrow. He will need all of his strength to get there.

The next morning, Cody woke up, and did his morning routine. He picked up Cyndaquil, had breakfast and moved out. He was still in the mountains and who knows what mountain Pokemon live there. Suddenly, an entity stopped him in his tracks. It was an armored bird. The bird was silver like steel, his eyes glaring towards his, and the bird’s beak was sharp as an axe.

“Oh my gosh, a Skarmory! A rare Skarmory!” he yelled.

Skarmory roared like some wild animal, making him deaf.

“Cyndaquil, get him!”

Cyndaquil was released from his Poke Ball.

“Use Ember!” said Cody.

Cyndaquil shot a flame at Skarmory’s wings. Skarmory roared as it was trying to escape, but couldn’t because the flames were so intense.

“Go Poke Ball,” yelled Cody.


-

Will Cody catch Skarmory? Or Skarmory isn’t going to be captured? Find out, next time…


Hope you enjoyed the chapter.
 
Last edited:

Literate

black cat, black cat
O-kay. O_O I had a little roleplay like this. Where the characters end up lost and goes to Blackthorn.

First off, the first chapter's first paragraph is way too clumped up and confusing. Seperate it and add a bit more detail. It went all too fast and too typical. Wake up, gets last pokemon, introduce pokemon, etc.

Where there were glaring problems is:
Cody and Cyndaquil went home to show his parents his Pokemon that was filled with pride.
Meep. I didn't even understand what you just said. Who is the his? Cyndaquil was out of *its* ball? Cyndaquil was filled with pride? There are many people who will think the wrong conclusions.
His father was pleased, his mother gave a look like, ‘It’s okay’ and his brother and sister thinks it was going to burn everything because he was a fire Pokemon.
You honestly didn't have to put the 'It's okay' part. The 'thinks' is in the wrong tense, 'thought'. Next, you put 'it' refering to the Cyndaquil, and then 'he' refering to the Cyndaquil, again. It's not genderless I suppose.
“It’s not going to burn everything,” said Cody.

“Yeah, it will!” said Danny.

“No it won’t!” he said.
First everything isn't exactly all flammable. And I assume they are 'fighting'? If so you're convoying it like they are having a mild discussion. Plus you need a comma after 'no'.
Cody took Cyndaquil and went upstairs to get his other stuff that he needed like a pass to the ferry. He was thinking of taking a trip around Johto and battle there. He knew there were eight of them, but he wasn’t really sure who they really were.
Possesive 'his' in the first line doesn't need to be there. It just sounds wrong. It should be 'the stuff he needed'. Eliminate the 'that' and 'other'. Comma before like. And 'there'? What is the 'there'? What is 'them'? Plus, 'who' is refering to a person, 'which' to things. It should be 'which'.
Cody stretched out on his bed and took a last look of everything before he leaves with his new Pokemon. He looked at the poster, the window, heck even the walls that were pasted with posters.
The 'leaves' is in the wrong tense. The poster is a window? Me no understand. @_@
“Glad to here it,”
^_^' Glaring mistakes in one line. The 'here' is 'hear'. And if it is a ful stop, use a period not a comma.
He was in the mountains next to Mt. Silver. According to the guide he got from his dad, that was the Silver Conference.
Mt. Silver is the Silver Conference?! 'Was where' would replace the 'was'.
‘Wow. This must be a mirage. How is that possible? Well, might as well see if it isn’t’
You're stopping. *twitches* Incomplete sentence alert! Incomplete sentence alert! The last sentence does not make sense.

Anyway I have to go. Just one more complaint.

“Oh my gosh, a Skarmory! A rare Skarmory!” he yelled.

Skarmory roared like some wild animal, making him deaf.

“Cyndaquil, get him!”

Cyndaquil was released from his Poke Ball.

“Use Ember!” said Cody.

Cyndaquil shot a flame at Skarmory’s wings. Skarmory roared as it was trying to escape, but couldn’t because the flames were so intense.

“Go Poke Ball,” yelled Cody.
O_O A Skarmory! One Ember! So Intense! Do you know how hard it is to catch a Skarmory?? It takes a lot of whittling of energy and countless pokeballs. Plus, it was one Ember! First off about it, how did Cyndaquil know Ember when he just got it? Second, Ember is a very low Fire attack. Third, Skarmory is probably way stronger than Cyndaquil, even with a type advantage.

Goodbye!

~PEACE~
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
litestars, it's a GARY-STU ALERT! Notice how easily the Skarmory was captured by the itty bitty Cyndaquil.

Wonders upon wonders. You really need to work on your grammar. Lots or mistakes. So many, I'm not going to waste time pointing them all out. litestars did a good enough job.

Um, ever heard of "plot?" It's a beautiful thing. It's NOT a good idea to start a story and not even have a general idea of where it's going. That's sad.

Oh, Silver Conference takes place near Mt. Silver. Canon from animé!
 

YankeeFan2

Number 1
thanks for the reply. I guess I did use a bit of Gary in him. But that DOESN'T mean he's smart like Gary.

Also, I did hear of plot and the plot will twist (if I can come up with something)

I also thought maybe reader's opinions can be voted on where he should go. It was just a test to see if it works. This story will lead somewhere!

It also isn't game based. If I do, I try to be creative. Thanks for the reviews. The next chapter is coming up shortly. It may be boring but the plot will "kind of" twist a little. But before I do, I better read some fics that are five star before anything, or go to the author's cafe. The next chapter should be up as long as I don't BURN the plot. I hate doing that.
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
When someone uses the term "Gary-Stu" to describe your character, that doesn't mean that they are like any particular "Gary." If that was true, then the Gary I write about would be a quiet insane homicidal maniac...

Gary-Stu is a character that twists the story to focus solely on themself. Well, I should say male character, as the female version is Mary-Sue. Gary-Stu's also have no flaws, win everything, and everyone likes them.

In your case, Cody capturing a Skarmory with a new Cyndaquil is Stu-alert. Skarmory are birds that are made of tough steel. Whether it be animé or game evidence, a Skarmory is difficult to beat.
 

YankeeFan2

Number 1
Now I know what a Mary-Sue and a Gary-Stu means. Thanks. I read fics on fanfiction.net once and some reviewer talked about a Mary-Sue and I didn't know what it meant. Well, now I know thanks!
 
S

Soleni

Guest
Hear the sarcasm:
Oh, how WONDERFUL, another run of the mill trainer fic. And what an origional starter pokemon he got... I love fics that are mostly speech.

Sorry, but I can't stand unorigionality. Try something that hasn't been done 100 times before...
 

YankeeFan2

Number 1
i know you hate unoriginality. So do I.

Thanks for the great sarcasm. I really thought it was funny.
 

YankeeFan2

Number 1
Sorry to double post, but here's the next chapter. Enjoy!

Thanks for the replies…

Cody’s Journey: Chapter 3

The Poke Ball was thrown toward the Skarmory. Suddenly, Skarmory blocked the Poke Ball. Cody got enraged.

“What? I heard Fire works on steel-types!” said Cody. He pulled out his Pokedex and looked for moves.

“Maybe this one. Cyndaquil use Flamethrower!”

Cyndaquil shook his head. He looked and found what Cyndaquil already knew.

“Uh, you know Blast Burn?” he asked.

Cyndaquil nodded.

“Let’s see what it does,” said Cody.

Suddenly, Skarmory’s wings started to glow and charged right into Cyndaquil.

“Cyndaquil!” Cody yelled.

Cyndaquil tried to stand up. Skarmory began to glow and attack, when suddenly Cyndaquil released a big blast of yellow and white flames that engulfed Skarmory. Skarmory fell flat on its face.

“Let’s see if it can take one of my Fast Balls I got from my house,” said Cody.

He got his Fast Ball as a Christmas gift last year, that way when he started his journey, he could use it for emergencies only. For him, this WAS an emergency.

“Go, Fast Ball!” he said.

The red and white ball with yellow on each side hit Skarmory and it went inside.

‘This better be my lucky day!’

The Fast Ball kept going back and forth until suddenly, it slowed down into a stop and stopped.

“Yes, I got a Skarmory!” said Cody.

Cyndaquil and Cody kept on walking through the mountain road. The sun was shining through the peaks of the mountains, exposing the texture of the rocks that were formed as Cody walked north. He noticed some of the rock remains from the mountains. His legs were tired from walking for hours. Walking from town to town is okay, but going up a landscape just to get there is pretty annoying. If he was going down the mountain, he would be relieved. But since he’s going the opposite direction, he was pooped. He was ecstatic that he was leaving New Bark Town, but now he just wants to relax and do nothing of the sort. Cody sat down and relaxed, yawning. Cyndaquil looked up at him.

“Cyndaquil?” (Are you okay?) The Pokemon asked.

“Yeah. I am just tired,” said Cody.

He sat down next to the big wall of the mountain. He sighed, as he knew that the sun was going to set again and he and Cyndaquil were hungry. They had no Pokemon food or anything. He kept walking up the mountain, until they finally reached the city of Blackthorn.

Blackthorn City looked like ceremonial shrines. The only building that was modern enough was the Pokemon Center, which was right in front of him. Cyndaquil and Cody took off and ran into Nurse Joy.

“Hello, can I have my Pokemon checked up please?”

“Sure,” said Nurse Joy.

He put Cyndaquil in one Poke Ball slot and Skarmory in the other. Cody went over to the video-phone and dialed home.

“Hello? Cody?”

“Yeah, mom. It's me.”

“Where the heck are you? You forgot to call to say when you were leaving.”

Cody sweatdropped. “I am in Blackthorn City.”

“So you are going to battle the gym there?”

Cody looked at them and then was so ecstatic, he was yelling at the phone, “THERE’S A GYM IN BLACKTHORN?”

“Yes,” said his dad.

“You didn’t know that?”

“No, I didn’t,” said Cody.

“Well, now’s your chance! Beat the leader, my cute little boy!”

‘Here we go with the cute little boy crap’ Cody thought.

He hung up the phone, brushed himself off and went to the lobby to watch some TV. He had to rest. He felt like some guy that never exercised before. He loved physical activities. He knew that he was expected to hike to get all over the region but, he never, ever was a mountain man. He wasn't used to climbing up mountains and going on a path with them at all. Suddenly, a girl walked through the doors. Cody looked at her. The green hair, the red eyes and her Chikorita was standing next to her. Her body was thin, wears a light blue shirt, red pants and has a pink backpack on her back. As she put her Pokemon in the slots to be checked, she walked over to the lobby where Cody was.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hi,” he said.

“I’m Josephine Johnson, but call me JoJo,”

“I’m Cody Lambert, but call me Cody,” he said.

They shook hands and continued watching the television. Then, they looked at each other in the eyes for about five minutes until Cody broke the silence.

“So, um JoJo, where did you come from?”

“I originally came from Ruin Valley in the Sevii Islands. I traveled on a ferry from Ruin Valley to New Bark Town.

Cody nodded. He never met anybody from the islands before. The only one he met was Brawly from Dewford and that’s only because he won a surfing competition. Suddenly, the Pokemon bell rang.

“Okay, your Pokemon are healed,” said Nurse Joy.

“Thank you,” said Cody.

“We hope to see you again,” said Nurse Joy.

Cody walked out of the Pokemon Center and explored the city. The city was very big in the middle of the mountains. It started to get very cold, and the sun was setting. He saw many houses and met many people. He sat down next to the lake and looked in the lake. He was in the middle of the city, in the middle of the night. He was alone in the mountain city. He got back up and walked back, until something caught his eye. A mansion was on the left of him. He wondered if he was on the property. But, who would know. He knocked on the door. Apparently, no one was home. He tried opening the door and it opened on the first try.

‘That’s weird. Who would leave their mansion and keep the door unlocked?’ Gary thought.

He kept walking through the main hall and noticed big red double-doors.

‘What’s in there?’ he asked.

He opened the door, and looked inside. He couldn’t see anything. “Cyndaquil, come out!”

Cyndaquil got released out of the Poke Ball. The flames illuminated part of the room. Cody looked around and noticed a switch next to him, as he flicked the switch the lights around the room came on. He noticed a water field, and a judging post was in the middle and to the right side of the arena. Suddenly, a voice boomed behind him.

“What are you doing here?”

He turned around. He noticed a woman. She has blue hair and blue eyes, and was wearing a blue shirt, black pants and a cape.

“Oh, I was looking for the Pokemon Gym,”

The woman nodded. “You found it. What do you want?”

“Cody Lambert from New Bark Town, I walked up the mountains to get my first badge!”

“Excuse me, forgot to introduce myself, I’m Clair of Blackthorn City Gym,” she said. “You want your first badge here? What Pokemon do you have besides the Cyndaquil?”

“Uh, a Skarmory?” asked Cody.

“You must’ve been PRETTY lucky to capture a Skarmory,” said Clair.
Suddenly, JoJo barged in there.

“Hi, I’m here to battle Clair. She here?”

“Yes,” said Clair. “I’m Clair. You came from New Bark Town too?”

“Yeah,” said JoJo. “But I came from Ruin Valley to start here,”

Clair couldn’t believe it. She was looking at two rookie trainers that just started their journey. She couldn’t understand why they headed here instead of Cherrygrove City. Her dragons against their starters would just get demolished. Her dragons have more experience then Cyndaquil, Chikorita and Skarmory combined.

“Listen,” said Clair. “You don not want to battle me,”

JoJo and Cody looked at each other, then at her. “Why?” they asked in unison.

Clair looked at them. “Usually, trainers go here last to get their badge, and because my Pokemon are more experienced,”

“Oh,” said Cody.

“Don’t worry. Hey, I will make a deal with you. You get seven badges and you can challenge me,” said Clair.

JoJo and Cody looked at each other. “Okay,”

-The Next Morning-

Cody and JoJo were walking out of the Pokemon Center. “You want to go on a journey together?” asked Cody.

“Why not? I mean, I have nothing else to do,” replied JoJo.

‘I may be eleven years old, but Cody is SO hot’

“Uh, JoJo. You okay?” asked Cody.

“Uh, yeah,” said JoJo.

While heading up toward the next town, a mysterious entity spies on the two trainers.

“Perfect, the boss will be happy,”

He jumped into the air and ambushed the trainers. This guy was wearing purple on the shirt and the pants and was wearing a black S on the chest.

“I’m a member of Team Shadow. Surrender,”

Cody and JoJo looked at him and then at each other. What were they going to do? Where they going to sit and fight or die trying? Suddenly, the Team Shadow grunt raised his hands and a purple beam shot up to the sky, making a shield or boundary around the two trainers and Team Shadow. The shield turned into a dark background.

“What do you want?” asked Cody.

“I’m here to take trainer’s lives away, that way I can give the souls to the boss and take the light away from the world and have darkness forever!” he yelled.

"Awkward," said Cody. "How are you going to do that?"

"What I do is my business." he said. "So either you battle me or well lose yourself,"

The two trainers try to walk back, but there was a force field with electronic energy that shot them down.

"Oh, I forgot to mention something," he said. "You can't escape."

Finally, a lot longer. And a little bit of a plot twist. Please reply.
 
Last edited:

Literate

black cat, black cat
O_O *stares* NO WAY! I just saw something! *mouth wide open* You put GARY INSTEAD OF CODY! NO WAY! THE CYNDAQUIL ACTUALLY KNOWS BLAST BURN?!?!?! JOJO JUST MET HIM AND THINKS CODY IS HOT?!?! AND THEY'RE ONLY ELEVEN!?!? [/sarcasm]

I'm sick, with sore throat and runny nose. But that does not stop me from typing hyperish things into the reply box! Sorry, but I'm being extra mean because I'm right out of my mind! *grins maliciously and rubs hands together* But really I meant everything I typed above.

Plus there are still the same problems as before. Below are some that has the same problem:
“Yeah, mom,”
Full stop needs a period.
“Where the heck are you? You forgot to call to say when you were leaving,”
“Yeah,” said JoJo. “But I came from Ruin Valley to start here,”
“Listen,” said Clair. “You don not want to battle me,”
The 'don' and 'not' is don't! Period there too.
Clair looked at them. “Usually, trainers go here last to get their badge, and because my Pokemon are more experienced,”
JoJo and Cody looked at each other. “Okay,”
‘I may be eleven years old, but Cody is SO hot’
No punctuation. Add a period.
“Perfect, the boss will be happy,”
Period, please!
“I’m a member of Team Shadow. Surrender,”
Period needed.

Alright. I'm done with that, so get ready for the other half of the problem!

“Hey,” she said.

“Hi,” he said.

“I’m Josephine Johnson, but call me JoJo,”

“I’m Cody Lambert, but call me Cody,” he said.

They shook hands and continued watching the television. Then, they looked at each other in the eyes for about five minutes until Cody broke the silence.
Lame-eo. They get all into the 'Hi!' and greetings. Most trainers would ignore the other trainer and/or they won't even acknowldged the other, espeically if the conversations is between a girl and a guy. They would most likely stay away from each other. The boy I'm most aquainted with always runs away every single time he sees me and after he say a ruddy remark. That offends me. ^_^

Cody and JoJo were walking out of the Pokemon Center. “You want to go on a journey together?” asked Cody.

“Why not? I mean, I have nothing else to do,” replied JoJo.

‘I may be eleven years old, but Cody is SO hot’

“Uh, JoJo. You okay?” asked Cody.

“Uh, yeah,” said JoJo.
Dun, dun, dun. *pauses* Dun, dun, dun. *the wedding bells ring* Love at first sight. *everything stops abruptly* Okay, this is love and romance. Plain LOVE and ROMANCE. Nothing secretive about this. But what the heck?! They're only eleven for their sake!

“I’m a member of Team Shadow. Surrender,”

Cody and JoJo looked at him and then at each other. What were they going to do? Where they going to sit and fight or die trying? Suddenly, the Team Shadow grunt raised his hands and a purple beam shot up to the sky, making a shield or boundary around the two trainers and Team Shadow. The shield turned into a dark background.

“What do you want?” asked Cody.

“I’m here to take trainer’s lives away, that way I can give the souls to the boss and take the light away from the world and have darkness forever!” he yelled.
I so want to cower in fear. [/sarcasm] How can they SIT and FIGHT at the SAME time???? Yes, and "Surrender. I will now take away you soul." DUN. That wasn't even scary! And how can they "take trainers' lives away and take the light from the world and darkness will rule over all"? And how can this guy cast a purple beam from his hands???

Well, this chapter breaks a lot of fan fic rules. Wait, it wasn't the rules it was the guidelines. It wasn't this bad in the 1st and 2nd chapter but the 3rd was horrid. I could help you know. (And here I am thinking that this last sentence is the sanest in the entire review.)

~PEACE~

EDIT: Sorry if I was too harsh. I let my hyper side get into effect. Hyper me + your fic = harsh review. SORRY!
 
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YankeeFan2

Number 1
I was doing this very late and I must've been very tired and forgot to edit.
Sorry about that, sometimes I drift off typing and suddenly forget what I was typing about. Like what you said about me replacing Gary with Cody. (Note to self: Need to take a look)


Got to run!
 

Astinus

Well-Known Member
Soleni, better for him to use a Cyndaquil rather than a uber-rare Pokémon. Or a Pikachu.

*joins in laughter* You actually wrote Gary! It's just really funny after I told you what a Gary-Stu was. And why would Cyndaquil know an attack that is associated with Charizard?

Eleven year olds in love. Yeah ferkin' right. When you are eleven, you don't just fall in love and understand the emotions normally asociated with teenagers. And even teenagers don't fall in romantic love. (Again, this could just be my opinion, what with my oddities and all.)

The Team Shadow guy? Scary! *heavy dripping sarcasm* That was the lamest thing I have ever read. Suck out souls?

Your problems can be solved with proof-reading. Like messing up the character's name!
 

YankeeFan2

Number 1
I know. What I did was darn funny. Lol.

Anyway, the next chapter is going to be pretty awesome. But before I become a dimwit and start writing without thinking, I need more
meat in my chapters. Any suggestions?

Oh yeah, the sucking out souls thing will be explained by the next chapter. That way I don't have to hear any sarcasm. Okay?

EDIT: Sorry that I'm being so rough, I feel like I am doing something way wrong when you guys reply. *bows 4 forgiveness*

-Catch ya later-

PS: While you're at it, check out the fic I posted on fanfiction.net (and you can give me tips that way I can write it for the future, BUT if you are interested)
 
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YankeeFan2

Number 1
I may have errors in here, please reply on here. Something tells me there's something wrong.

Also, I made a new way to battle in this chapter with Team Shadow.



Cody’s Journey: Chapter 4

Hand-to-Hand Pokemon Combat: Part I

Darkness covered everything and surrounded the two trainers and the Team Shadow grunt. Cody was starting to get impatient and JoJo was about to lose it. The Team Shadow grunt was laughing because he got the two kids in here. Cody and JoJo still don’t know what’s going on but they already know. That guy trapped them there. As the two trainers look at him, he gave them the same look back.

“What do you want with us besides our soul?” asked Cody.

“Also, how did you do this?” asked JoJo.

“Simple,” said the grunt. He pulled out from his pocket a device that has many buttons on it.

“Welcome to the Dimension of Darkness. In here, you’re Pokemon will be battling me. So, technically your life is on the line in a Pokemon battle. If you lose the battle, your soul will be taken up to my boss. We already captured twenty trainers from another region and we need about a million for us to take flight.”

JoJo’s eyes were blazed with anger, she took one step toward the grunt, and she wasn’t impressed.

“Listen, idiot. There is no way you are going to take us down!” she yelled. “Cody, let’s get them,”

Cody stopped her for a second. “Us, against him? Who knows what Pokemon he has and how long he trained them,”

The grunt picked up his Poke Ball. “You know what? I’ll face the boy alone. As for the girl, she can leave,”

He pressed a green button on the device making a hole in the darkness background. Light filled the hole and went through the darkness. JoJo got out of the dimension and arrived back into the real world. The hole closed, sealing Cody and Team Shadow.

“Now, let’s battle. Ekans, I choose you!”

He threw the Poke Ball to release Ekans. Cody smiled. “Trust me, I have seen Pokemon that are a lot more dangerous than that snake,”

Cody picked up Skarmory’s Poke Ball from his backpack.

“I choose Skarmory!”

Skarmory came out of the Poke Ball.

“Perfect, now to activate my plan.” The grunt said.

He pressed the blue button on the device and suddenly, a silver glow appeared from Skarmory and silver streaks of light was flowing through Cody’s body. Cody couldn’t move, but he was still able to talk.

“What are you doing?”

“When we have a dark battle, we usually challenge by copy the Pokemon’s energy and give it to the trainer. We fight by using the Pokemon’s energy to battle.” The grunt said.

Cody’s eyes widened with fear. “You don’t mean?”

“Hand-to-hand combat.” The grunt said.

Cody nodded. It all made sense to him. “Oh I get it now, this is a street fight!” Suddenly, Cody started to glow steel wings on his arms, a big silver beak and yellow eyes and the grunt started changing into a snake, except he still had arms and legs, and the skin color was yellow and purple.

“Uh… yes, it is,” the grunt said. “Now, let’s battle.”

The Shadow Grunt started using a poison sting attack from his mouth toward Cody. Cody quickly dodged out of the way, while the poison sting hit the force field. Cody’s left arm start to glow in white light as he started to attack. The Shadow Grunt started using Sludge Bomb. A green sphere surrounded Cody as he came threw. Suddenly, Cody came up and slashed the Shadow Grunt. Cody came around.

“I like this game. Give up?”

“No,” he said. “Take this,”

His eyes started glowing yellow and beams came out of it. Cody tried to dodge it, but the beam hit the force field and hit him. He cried in pain as the electric sparks on his body made him paralyze.

“Now, take this!”

The poison sting came out of his body. Cody used his hands and used protect like he did before.

--09876543210-

Outside the dark dimension, JoJo waited for Cody to come out.

‘Something’s wrong’ she thought. ‘Time to go in there’

She charged toward the dark dimension, instead of going she went through and hit the wall. A big hole of where she hit appeared. (A/N: You know what you see in cartoon movies)

“Ouch. That hurt,” she said. “Why can’t I get in there?”

Suddenly, a male trainer appeared. “Excuse me. Are you a trainer?”

JoJo nodded. “Yes,”

She was staring into his green eyes. “Let me guess, you want to battle,”

“Yup,”

She took out Chikorita’s ball. “You got it,”

Suddenly, the trainer looked at the dark blob. “Whoa, what the hell is that?”

“I don’t know. Some person from this team called Team Shadow is battling my friend,”

“I never heard of these guys before,”

“Well, they’re psycho. They want to take trainer’s souls and make the whole world turn to darkness.”

“That’s pretty lame,” he said.

“It is pretty lame,” said JoJo. “I tried running in there and suddenly I hit the wall of a cliff.”

“Ouch,” the trainer said. ‘Like I really care’ he thought.

-09876543210-

Cody kept slashing the Team Shadow guy with his arm made of steel, while Team Shadow was shooting poison stings, and a glare attack. Cody checked his Pokedex, trying to catch his breath seeing what else Skarmory would know. He looked and noticed an egg move (put a little bit of game stuff in here).

‘Perfect.’

Suddenly, the Team Shadow grunt started glowing red.

“What does that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” he said. “That my Ekans fainted. I have to say, really great job on destroying half my life. BUT, I’m not done!”

Suddenly, his arms and legs started to disappear in the darkness. Suddenly, he threw the Poke Ball, releasing a Raticate, and absorbed his energy. White streaks of energy started to flow through his body, his eyes were glowing white, like he was brainwashed by some guy in a sci-fi movie. He stood up and started to have big teeth and he was growing a huge tail. Cody gasped as he looked at him. He was mutating into a weird creature.

“Let’s see if you can take me on!”

Cody’s jaw dropped. “What?”

-09876543210-

“Who are you anyway?” the guy asked.

“Me? I’m Josephine Johnson, but everybody calls me JoJo,”

“I’m Doug. Doug Blunt,” he said. He pulled down his yellow shirt and tightened his black gloves.

“You always do that?” he asked.

“Yeah. It’s important to keep your posture, man,” he said.

‘You’re weird’ JoJo thought.
-09876543210-

The grunt began to use Brick Break. Cody used his wings and flew upwards. Suddenly, Cody used his arms and an orange glow appeared from his hands. Cody smiled and looked at the grunt.

“Yo, creep!” he yelled.

“What?” Team Shadow asked.

“Time to take a Hyper Beam!” he said.

An orange beam came out of his hands.

“Two can play at that game!” he said. He shot out a hyper beam from his hands as well.

Suddenly, the two beams struck. It was like a game of tug-of-war. Cody pushes his beam toward him and vice verca. Cody struggled with the energy and never felt this kind of energy through him before, not even with his Pokemon. The grunt smiled, he knew this kid wouldn’t be able to survive this battle. He was never used to the power of Team Shadow. Suddenly, there was an explosion between the two beams, both trainers fell backwards, and smoke was lurking around the arena.


Find out what happens next chapter.

If there are any errors, I'm SO sorry. Also, don't be sarcastic. I want you guys to be honest.
 

Tezza

Bird Master
Heya mate! Let's have a look at your fanfiction.

My first suggestion is don't look to your readers for inspiration. Write what you want because you are the one who has to write it. Make your own initiative.

Your opening description is excellent, I get a brilliant picture in my head. Slender rays of sunshine and as if overviewing the town from a hill. Be careful of word repetition, such as the word sun. Read it aloud and you can hear a kind of hitch. The reason there is a hitch this time is because the son doesn't often shine very brightly when it is rising. You know what I would do, wake up at dawn one morning and watch it. Take note of the details, the way the sunlight is very rosy, the way the clouds gleam silver..... Expirience is a great way to build up your vocabulary.

The main thing I see at a glance is the lack of detail, and the best way to get over this is three things.
One, use your minds eye. Pick a short scene as if it were a movie, or in the cartoon. Imagine it clearly, such as you panning over New Bark Town. What do you see? I'll tell you what I see, a veteran of early mornings. I see a quiet town. Little over twenty rooves peeking through tall pine trees. The light that illuminates them is grey and a chill is in the air (expirience is a great way to build up your vocabulary, so take every chance to try something new!!!) Slowly, as the pale white face of the sun climbs higher a rosy hue suffuses the clouds. A few morning birds cry out and swoop between the branches of the outskirts of town.

That's one scene and then I go on to view the fellow 'napping' although I don't imagine it would be napping at that early in the morning. That is another thing I should warn, be careful when you are using a thesaurus even though I praise them to the heavens, make sure the word you chose is in context. In this case I would choose a word like dozing lightly. What else do you see as the author? Jump into 'movie-vision' perhaps drawing through the window. Close your eyes if you have to, even if you fill kind of dopey.

Again, for an example I tell you what I see. I see a boy, the morning shadows still cast across his form. You say he woke up... How did he wake up? Again, use that minds eye... He stretches slightly and opens his eyes a little. He takes in the room around him... What does he see... What do you see? Look through his eyes and imagine.

As you said, the room is still dark, even if it is shadowy he sees something. The silhoettes of his desk, a few toys or shelves, ornaments that are special to him... These things build are history and personality which are close to him, just like a real person. The more we can associate with your character, the better. Maybe use shadows, silvery shadows and him identifying them.

You do excellently portraying what he likes and dislikes, bias is a key towards personality. Use it! You know what? A great way to make sure your story stays on track is to write character bios. It crystalises in your own mind exactly what Cody is about! (Name: Age: Appearance: Clothing: Positive Traits: Negative Traits: Quirks: Family: Likes: Dislikes: First interaction with Pokemon: A positive and a negative thing that happened with pokemon.... The more you can detail, the better. The most important I think is the Negative traits and the quirks which identify them as an interesting character) The more history you can establish, the more they feel like a normal person to the reader. Even if you don't show it to someone else it really helps you write because it seperates Cody from yourself, something I know about a lot! My own character and I are almost interchangable and that has cause me a bunch of problems.

How does he get out of bed... Does he throw himself out of bed in one huge movement in an effort to get himself awake, or does he kind of slither out of bed, still half asleep. Use your own feelings to get this just right.

That first paragraph does a lot for Cody, but I think you have to worry a bit more about paragraphing. Here's a hint about paragraphing. One paragraph per topic. Say, for one paragraph you talk about the looks of the town in the early morning light, and in the next you describe his dimly lit room, and then maybe detailing Cody himself. New lines. Also to flesh out your story, because a lot is dialogue, aim to write three lines of description (In Microsoft Word, Web View, Tahoma Size 10 is my preference) per paragraph. I promise you making yourself slow down for the 'three lines per paragraph' really makes your story better.

Like I said, your first paragraph is fantastic, if only you could do that for each time your character speaks.

Now lets comment on you dealing your appearance. You should be careful because your readers will only remember the very skeleton of your character in their minds I. I tell you what I see. Scraggly brown hair, (Eye colour doesn't mean a lot because how often do you take note of someones eye colour in everyday life) Red shirt with a black jacket, a cap and green pants... if that. See, when I picture it I don't care about his red socks are gold chain, unless that gold chain has sentimental value. (Never underestimate sentimental value!) Don't pay too much attention to clothing.

It is in this paragraph you show that you're good at description. That proves, if you extend this detail to the other things that don't focus exactly on your trainer, you can be a great writer. I mean this. Just focus that minds eye on other things. When in doubt, reread all your work, three, maybe four times before you post, each time adding more detail.... Detail.... Your goal as a writer is to get the reader to see a movie in their head and to get it clear you must describe it. If you can describe it in as few words as efficiently possible, the more the better but if your just starting, describe away! Lots of adjectives and adverbs! Go for it!

As I said, detail, maybe go into thought processes.

Here, I think, is the key to a good story. Action, emotion, description. Action is writing about all the things that are moving (trees in the breeze, flowers drooping in a vase, expressions, eyebrows, their nose wriggling in distaste) Emotion, is not only what they think, but why they think and lots of adverbs (Adverbs are anything that end in -ly eg, she said sadly. He glared fiercely) because they also help define personality. Description, is everything left over to fill up those three lines.

As I said, thought processes. Maybe he could debate the pros and cons of each of the regions you mentioned. Mention things like terrain, whether favourite pokemon are native their, the difficulty of attaining badges. In this case, what is your favourite region.

Don't... Don't.... Really Don't... use shortened words like Ect.... Try speaking aloud. Would you say 'Ect' in a sentence? You'd probably say Excetra, or thinking it.

'He ran down stairs' again, look through that minds eye. What does he/you see? His brothers room with the door flung open revealing heavy metal posters, or his sister sitting in the door way lacing her shoes.... Close your eyes and imagine yourself ducking down the stairs.. perhaps clearing two at a time in your excitement. Close your eyes, write it. Go back and imagine it with extra details, write those in, close your eyes and do it again. I promise the more you take time, the better the movie in you readers mind is.

Where were they having breakfast? The kitchen? The dinning room? How are they at the table. Close your eyes... Is his sister slumped over her bowl rubber her eyes. Is his brother grinning beadily at him. Is his fathers chest swelled with pride? What was Kitty Meow doing? Watching the stairs while licking her paw, the light gleaming of her charm? And his mother flipping bacon in a fry pan.

The way you describe it its like they're sitting at the table staring at him like they are hypnotised. What are his siblings expressions? Get a bit of movement in there! The description of his father drinking coffee. Now if only you could extend that. How did he say it? 'he said hesitantly. What was he doing at the time? Look through his eyes. Sitting at the table staring at the tablecloth, or reaching for some scrambled eggs, or brushing his hairs out of
his eyes. Close your eyes, imagine....
“Uh, I have a question,” he said, hesitantly as he reached for the bacon in the centre of the table and avoiding his fathers eyes. He glanced at his brother, Ben who leaned back in his chair despite the pointed gaze of his mother by the stove. He grinned in devious way Cody was always suspicious of.
That's just a example. Go over it over and over, each time picking up on something new. Why doesn't he know, surely he's pondered it. In fact he'd probably go over it over and over inside his head. What does he think of what his mum thinks? These are the things Cody would contemplate. What does Cody think of his brother?

Make sure you establish where Cody stands in his family. All to many authors don't give the family the credit they deserve. Cody lived with them for at least ten years, so of course they influenced him. Opinions, opinions! What is Cody's relationship with his brother and his sister respectively. What was his father's life before settling down like? What was his first Pokemon, how far did he get in the league? Ask yourself questions and try to solve them in your writing. We, the readers, want in-for-mation!

Another thing I should comment on is making sure your punctuation is perfect. Spelling, punctuation and grammar are the keystones of an writer, so make sure you get those right! It's a sign of your pride in your work. If you love your story you will do what it takes to make its perfect, that's the key to success. Never ever submit it until you are sure your story is perfect.

I think you're hurrying a bit too much. For example, where did this bag come from? Did Cody pack it carefully the night before? Did his father give some advice as to what to pack, considering he's been on a journey. Does he look up to his father? Why? Think of these questions.

Remember adverbs. How does James say, “Cody, wait I have to give you something!” Is he bursting with enthusiasm? What is his expression. Look through Cody's eyes and what does he see?

"His father ducked out of the kitchen and returned hastily with his hands behind his back. Cody cocked his head questioningly and smiled broadly as his dad presented a green box.
“I want you to take this, I want you to keep in contact with us.” If possible his smile threatened to reach his ears as Cody carefully undid the tissue paper. A phone! A red cell phone! He looked up at his parents, holding hands and beaming, the banner of his cell phone read, highlighted in flames “Cody, Good Luck!”

Take the time. What does he do before going to the Professor's? If you were leaving your family and maybe never seeing your house again for over a year, what would you do? Take in that perfect family scene and preserving it in memory? What would your family do? Would they kiss and hug you and try to give you last minute advice? What would your brothers and sisters do? Try to wheedle you out of items such as CD's or computer games or even your bedroom itself? Use that's minds eye! Close it and picture the kitchen scene in exquisite detail!

I think you might be skipping to far ahead. Use that minds eye and see through Cody's eyes. He doesn't just jump from home to the Lab. He wanders along a road and he thinks of things? What does he think of? Prior champions? His choice in beginner pokemon? His father's journey? What does the road look like? A sandy road? Garbed with palm trees? What about the weather? Is it cold? Is there wind? Or is the temperature climbing towards summer highs?

And then he sees the Lab on the hill. What does he think about being the only kid leaving for a journey? Is it lonely, or does he feel superior? Why is he the only kid leaving this year? These are the details you can go into to give a story depth.

Again there is a sudden jump from outside the Lab to inside where he's inside and talking to Professor Elm. Make it a smooth transition.

Here is about the time I should talk about punctuation. “Hello, Professor Elm,” should be "Hello Professor Elm." because it is a full sentence, unless he went on to add, such as this "Hello Professor Elm," Cody chirped happily. Elm pressed his glasses up, “Hello, Cody. How are you?”

Maybe you would also like to go into detail as to how well Cody knows Professor Oak. Does he drop around every so often? Or is it only in passing. I assume that he knows him quite well since he's inquiring after his health.

In this case Elm is really blunt. Think of his anime personality if that's helps, kind of dreamy eyed and not really paying attention and again look through Cody's eyes, see what he sees, feel what he feels and write it down!

I'm a little confused. If Cody is the last of his age group, how is there only one Pokemon left? Maybe Elm could go onto explain where the other two went, maybe one went to a neice while the other was needed by the fire department... who knows?! And remember expression! How do they say it and what actions/expressions does he make while saying it? Three lines!

Why is Cyndaquil his favourite? Is it because he's a fire type, or his colour? Explain, exagerate, use an anecdote or story from his child hood to back it up. Again, backing things up with history gives your story depth.


Now, look at your Authors Note (Looks like the G/S/C Pokedex, couldn’t describe it), such as that. Putting AN's in the middle of the story disrupts the flow of writing. Think of it this way, imagine you're watching a movie. It's really tense! And then a voice over comes through the movie and booms in a big voice "LOOKS LIKE THE G/S/C POKEDEX, COULDN'T DESCRIBE IT!"

See! It really breaks up the movie in your head! If you can't describe it, don't mention it. Don't worry, the people who read it will have a picture in their head already so you don't need indepth detail.

Well, that's my review of your first chapter... What's the message to take away from this? Detail! Go into detail and use the minds eye! Take your time and go over it once, twice, three times at least adding more detail each time. Don't be afraid of rewriting, especially at this stage of your story. You know what you could do? Rewrite this chapter including lots of the information mentioned above and edit your first post and I bet you'll get much more readers!

Never ever be embarrassed to rewrite. Our Moderator, Dragonfree, has rewritten at least three times. An amazing author on here, Ash Junior has rewritten more times than I can count! It's the basis of an Fanfic writer! Try! Try! Try again! Each time working in more detail!

Above all, don't be discouraged. Everyone here had to begin somewhere and you've made a huge step chosing to post on a forum. This means you get heaps and heaps of advice and you can't always take it all in at once. So many people are trying to help you be the best you can be, and I bet you're feeling like everything you've done is wrong. Please don't feel that way, we all just want to help, and the best way we can do that is by pointing out flaws so you know exactly where to improve. My own review included, extremely much! I want to see you amongst those "Authors I admire most" threads in the Authors Cafe.

That's another way you can help improve yourself is by helping yourself. Reading the Authors Advice thread is a good start, and hanging around the Cafe and picking up on what established authors have to say. "Reviewers help those who help themselves." Is a good quote to learn by. What it means is if you listen to what they say and keep it in mind when you write next, they'll be more likely to review again, thus keeping up yourself esteem!

Good luck in your endevours, and I apologise if I don't review again. Busy, busy, busy with university assignments. Please don't give up no matter how down hearted you may be at this review because you can only go up from here!
Persistence is the key!​
 
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YankeeFan2

Number 1
thanks for the review Tezza. It was a long review. But, it was worth it.
 
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