Coincidence or Destiny? (Hoennshipping, Newrivalshipping, PG)

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

So... I'm new to this site, and this is my first fanfic... I know everyone uses the names May Maple and Brendan Birch, but I'm not very creative with names, so those are the ones I'm using. Hope you like it!
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Chapter One
May Maple was riding in the back of the moving van, massaging her temples. Her headache worsened with every bump in the road.

Finally the van stopped and May nearly toppled over. As soon as she climbed out of the van, her mom said,

"May! We're here! You get your own room- and a new clock from Norman! Isn't that something?"

May muttered, when she was out of her mom's earshot, "What's so exciting about a damn clock? It's called a watch for cryin out loud."

She set the clock anyways and then went back downstairs.

"Oh, Professor Birch, your father's friend, lives next door. Why don't you go introduce yourself?" Mrs. Maple suggested.

May sighed and went next door to introduce herself to her neighbors.

Mrs. Birch answered the door, and said, "Oh, you must be May! The professor isn't here right now, but maybe Brendan can show you to him! Brendan's upstairs- go on!"

May trotted up the stairs and into a room, where a boy with snow-white hair was kneeling by a desk, reaching for a Pokeball. He glanced up, seeing a girl with sapphire blue eyes and brown hair covered by a red bandana with a Pokeball pattern on it. She stared right back into his bright red eyes.

"Uh, I'm Brendan. And you are..." He said.

"May. May Maple." May responded, "Mrs. Birch said you could take me to the professor?"

"Oh, yeah! Follow me. Dad's out on field work right now, it's where he goes to see Pokemon in their natural environment." Brendan explained, seeing May's confused expression.

Brendan led May down the stairs and out the door, and then they heard someone cry,

"HELP!!!"

"What was that?" May asked fearlessly.

"I don't know. Let's go find out!" Brendan answered, running out to route 101.

"Dad?" Brendan said incredulously.

"Don't just stand there! In my bag, there's three Pokeballs! Get one!" Cried the man in the lab coat being chased by a ferocious looking black dog.

May reached into the bag and released a Pokemon from a Pokeball.

"Tor, Torchic!" The Pokemon cried, coming out of the Pokeball in a flash of light.

"Go, Torchic, scratch!" May cried, pointing at the dog Pokemon.

Torchic raced forward and raked his claws across the other Pokemon's face. The Pokemon yelped and ran, tail between his legs.

"Torchic, return." May said. She handed the Pokeball to the Professor.

"Here you go." She said shyly.

"Thanks, May. You did excellently against that Poochyena." Professor Birch replied, shaking her hand, "Why don't you both come back to the lab with me, I have something for you."

They followed the professor back to the lab, and he said,

"May, the way you battled, that was just remarkable. Here, you may have the Torchic you used to fight the Poochyena. And also, here's a Pokedex. Please, go fill it up for me!"

May nodded.

"Will do, sir!"

May skipped happily out of the lab. Brendan was about to leave, then the Professor stopped him.

"Brendan, you and your Mudkip are an exceptional team- strong and brave. I want you to travel with May- her father would kill me if anything happened to her. Now go! You know what to do." He said softly.

Brendan nodded.

"Alright, Dad. As you wish." He answered, and then ran out the door into the fading sunlight.

"May!" He yelled after the girl, who was tying her shoelaces.

She glanced up, her sapphire eyes glinting in the sunset.

"What?" She asked, standing.

"Dad said to travel with you." He muttered, putting his hands in his pockets.

"Are you on your Daddy's orders or do you want to travel with me?" May teased.

Brendan chose not to answer. May bounced her Pokeball up and down on her palm, sighing.

"Well... hey, do you want to battle?" She asked suddenly, enlarging her Pokeball, and evil glint in her eyes.

Brendan enlarged his Pokeball as well, and said, "Mudkip, go!"

"Go, Blaze!" May cried, sending out her Torchic.

"Mudkip, water gun!" Brendan ordered, and Mudkip rushed forward and blasted Blaze with water.

"Blaze!" May cried as Blaze flew backwards, nearly hitting a tree.

Blaze stood, a determined expression in his chickeny face.

"Blaze, tackle! Atta boy!" May commanded, and Blaze ran forward and threw Mudkip to the ground.

"Mudkip, while he's at close range, water gun!" Brendan said, and Blaze took up a mouthful of water.

Blaze fell back, swirls in his eyes.

"Blaze! Return, you did a good job, boy." May said sadly, returning her fainted Torchic.

"Good battle, May." Brendan said consolingly, grinning.

May sorta grinned back, and the two continued on their journey, walking into the fading light.

"Hey, we'll need to set up camp soon." Brendan muttered, walking slowly.

They stepped off the path and onto a clear space of soft grass. Brendan's white hair swayed slightly in the wind, and he ran a hand through his hair, sighing. He laid out his sleeping bag, and May stood by him, then walked ten steps away. There she laid down her sleeping bag. She laid on top of the sleeping bag, staring up at the sky. She fell asleep with thoughts of Pokemon running through her mind.

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

I'm currently working on the second chapter, I'll post it as soon as I finish writing it.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Chapter One

May Maple was riding in the back of the moving van, massaging her temples. Her headache worsened with every bump in the road.

Finally the van stopped and May nearly toppled over. As soon as she climbed out of the van, her mom said,

"May! We're here! You get your own room- and a new clock from Norman!"

"Isn't that something?" May muttered, when she was out of her mom's earshot. "What's so exciting about a damn clock? It's called a watch for cryin' out loud."

She set the clock anyways and then went back downstairs.

"Oh, Professor Birch, your father's friend, lives next door. Why don't you go introduce yourself?" Mrs. Maple suggested.

May sighed and went next door to introduce herself to her neighbors.

Mrs. Birch answered the door, and said, "Oh, you must be May! The professor isn't here right now, but maybe Brendan can show you to him! Brendan's upstairs- go on!"

May trotted up the stairs and into a room, where a boy with snow-white hair was kneeling by a desk, reaching for a Pokeball. He glanced up, seeing a girl with sapphire blue eyes and brown hair covered by a red bandana with a Pokeball pattern on it. She stared right back into his bright red eyes.

"Uh, I'm Brendan. And you are...?" he said.

"May. May Maple," May responded. "Mrs. Birch said you could take me to the professor?"

"Oh, yeah! Follow me. Dad's out on field work right now - it's where he goes to see Pokemon in their natural environment," Brendan explained, seeing May's confused expression.

Brendan led May down the stairs and out the door and then they heard someone cry,

"HELP!!!"

"What was that?" May asked, fearlessly.

"I don't know. Let's go find out!" Brendan answered, running out to route 101.

"Dad?" Brendan said, incredulously.

"Don't just stand there! In my bag, there's three Pokeballs! Get one!" cried the man in the lab coat being chased by a ferocious looking black dog.

May reached into the bag and released a Pokemon from a Pokeball.

"Tor, Torchic!" the Pokemon cried, coming out of the Pokeball in a flash of light.

"Go, Torchic, scratch!" May cried, pointing at the dog Pokemon.

Torchic raced forward and raked his claws across the other Pokemon's face. The Pokemon yelped and ran, tail between his legs.

"Torchic, return." May said.

She handed the Pokeball to the Professor.

"Here you go." She said shyly.

"Thanks, May. You did excellently against that Poochyena." Professor Birch replied, shaking her hand. "Why don't you both come back to the lab with me? I have something for you."

They followed the professor back to the lab and he said,

"May, the way you battled, that was just remarkable. Here, you may have the Torchic you used to fight the Poochyena. And also, here's a Pokedex. Please, go fill it up for me!"

May nodded.

"Will do, sir!"

May skipped happily out of the lab. Brendan was about to leave, then the Professor stopped him.

"Brendan, you and your Mudkip are an exceptional team- strong and brave. I want you to travel with May- her father would kill me if anything happened to her. Now go! You know what to do," he said softly.

Brendan nodded.

"Alright, Dad. As you wish," he answered and then ran out the door into the fading sunlight.

"May!" he yelled after the girl, who was tying her shoelaces.

She glanced up, her sapphire eyes glinting in the sunset.

"What?" she asked, standing.

"Dad said to travel with you," he muttered, putting his hands in his pockets.

"Are you on your Daddy's orders or do you want to travel with me?" May teased.

Brendan chose not to answer. May bounced her Pokeball up and down on her palm, sighing.

"Well... hey, do you want to battle?" she asked suddenly, enlarging her Pokeball with an evil glint in her eyes.

Brendan enlarged his Pokeball as well, and said,

"Mudkip, go!"

"Go, Blaze!" May cried, sending out her Torchic.

"Mudkip, water gun!" Brendan ordered, and Mudkip rushed forward and blasted Blaze with water.

"Blaze!" May cried as Blaze flew backwards, nearly hitting a tree.

Blaze stood, a determined expression in his chickeny face.

"Blaze, tackle! Atta boy!" May commanded, and Blaze ran forward and threw Mudkip to the ground.

"Mudkip, while he's at close range, water gun!" Brendan said, and Blaze took up a mouthful of water.

Blaze fell back, swirls in his eyes.

"Blaze! Return, you did a good job, boy" May said, sadly, returning her fainted Torchic.

"Good battle, May," Brendan said consolingly, grinning.

May sort of grinned back, and the two continued on their journey, walking into the fading light.

"Hey, we'll need to set up camp soon," Brendan muttered, walking slowly.

They stepped off the path and onto a clear space of soft grass. Brendan's white hair swayed slightly in the wind, and he ran a hand through his hair, sighing. He laid out his sleeping bag, and May stood by him, then walked ten steps away. There she laid down her sleeping bag. She laid on top of the sleeping bag, staring up at the sky. She fell asleep with thoughts of Pokemon running through her mind.

And THAT is approximately how to make your story comply with general rules of paragraphing. New ideas and new speakers get new paragraphs. @_@ Please do that yourself for future chapters - the 'wall of text' you had before is REALLY hard for readers to decipher. And because not all readers will bother with stories that are hard to read, correct, easy to read formatting will probably improve your chances of getting (and keeping) happy readers.

Hmm. Apart from a few little punctuation points, your story came up pretty clean in terms of technical errors. Congrats! For a first story, that's a really big positive!

Actually, besides the paragraphing, I think the only things you really need to work on are not sticking so strictly to the game plot and putting in more description. At the moment, your plot is so tightly adhered to the game story that some points aren't making much sense. Why would Birch hand the Torchic over to May? As I recall, she ordered a single Scratch attack and the other pokemon simply ran away. What's so remarkable about that? Was it in the way she spoke or the way she stood or her body language or gestures? What about her performance made it remarkable to the point that a professor would simply give her a young pokemon (which presumably needs a lot of care in its early stages) when he doesn't even know her? It's not unimaginable that such an sequence of events would take place, but fleshing the scenes out and showing the reader the logic behind the decisions can help to eliminate first-glance disbelief amongst your readers.

Another point - why would May agree so quickly to setting off to fill up a pokedex? And even if she did agree, why would she leave so instantaneously? Wasn't she just going over to say hi to the neighbours? Wouldn't May's mother be worried that her daughter just took of without any extra food/supplies/equipment/saying goodbye? And come to think of it, where'd May get that sleeping bag from? If she went straight from Birch's house to Route 101, surely she wouldn't have one with her if she originally just set out to do a meet and greet? Methinks she DID go home but you didn't mention it. Perhaps revise this chapter to show that she didn't leave on the same hour of the same day but went home first to get her parents' permission and get prepared for a prolonged journey?

Adding in details like this are really important. I know I've skipped at least one like that, but my readers barely noticed and filled in the gaps. I got away with it, but that's not the point. The point is, they shouldn't HAVE to fill in those sort of gaps and they generally don't appreciate the effort involved in providing their own explanations. My advice is to slow down and think about how YOU would have to act in that situation - with all the details involved. You can skim over some points (cause readers probably won't want to hear every brush of your character's teeth) but do mention important stops that will be referred to later/relied upon for continuity.

Anyway, you're showing overall potential. Relax and let your creativity flow a bit more. There's no rule that says you have to follow the game plot or that your story will be wrong if you don't - in fact, branching out is often applauded. So please, put this beginning to good use. You're obviously quite a competent writer - just be sure to make what you write readable (read: use paragraphs)!

Good luck and fun to you and if you want anything in this review explained or if you want something else in your story commented on, let me know!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Literate]

In my view, it was a bit rushed. Even if you don't say everything their doing, at least make it seem like time went by. Like waste time by describing the scenery. Or tell what the character is thinking. And description proves useful if someone who read this didn't know who 'May' is. And things.

But then this is a first story. But then, you could be more specific, or sorts. And characterization you ned to work on. Not everyone acts th same way. Every single person in the world is different, so remember that.

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

And THAT is approximately how to make your story comply with general rules of paragraphing. New ideas and new speakers get new paragraphs. @_@ Please do that yourself for future chapters - the 'wall of text' you had before is REALLY hard for readers to decipher. And because not all readers will bother with stories that are hard to read, correct, easy to read formatting will probably improve your chances of getting (and keeping) happy readers.

Hmm. Apart from a few little punctuation points, your story came up pretty clean in terms of technical errors. Congrats! For a first story, that's a really big positive!

Actually, besides the paragraphing, I think the only things you really need to work on are not sticking so strictly to the game plot and putting in more description. At the moment, your plot is so tightly adhered to the game story that some points aren't making much sense. Why would Birch hand the Torchic over to May? As I recall, she ordered a single Scratch attack and the other pokemon simply ran away. What's so remarkable about that? Was it in the way she spoke or the way she stood or her body language or gestures? What about her performance made it remarkable to the point that a professor would simply give her a young pokemon (which presumably needs a lot of care in its early stages) when he doesn't even know her? It's not unimaginable that such an sequence of events would take place, but fleshing the scenes out and showing the reader the logic behind the decisions can help to eliminate first-glance disbelief amongst your readers.

Another point - why would May agree so quickly to setting off to fill up a pokedex? And even if she did agree, why would she leave so instantaneously? Wasn't she just going over to say hi to the neighbours? Wouldn't May's mother be worried that her daughter just took of without any extra food/supplies/equipment/saying goodbye? And come to think of it, where'd May get that sleeping bag from? If she went straight from Birch's house to Route 101, surely she wouldn't have one with her if she originally just set out to do a meet and greet? Methinks she DID go home but you didn't mention it. Perhaps revise this chapter to show that she didn't leave on the same hour of the same day but went home first to get her parents' permission and get prepared for a prolonged journey?

Adding in details like this are really important. I know I've skipped at least one like that, but my readers barely noticed and filled in the gaps. I got away with it, but that's not the point. The point is, they shouldn't HAVE to fill in those sort of gaps and they generally don't appreciate the effort involved in providing their own explanations. My advice is to slow down and think about how YOU would have to act in that situation - with all the details involved. You can skim over some points (cause readers probably won't want to hear every brush of your character's teeth) but do mention important stops that will be referred to later/relied upon for continuity.

Anyway, you're showing overall potential. Relax and let your creativity flow a bit more. There's no rule that says you have to follow the game plot or that your story will be wrong if you don't - in fact, branching out is often applauded. So please, put this beginning to good use. You're obviously quite a competent writer - just be sure to make what you write readable (read: use paragraphs)!

Good luck and fun to you and if you want anything in this review explained or if you want something else in your story commented on, let me know!

Piney.
;204;;324;

I see what you're saying, and right now I'm thinking, "Why didn't I think of that?" I'm probably going to edit it soon. Thanks for pointing that out.

Kitteh

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

I'll have chapter two and three up in a little bit, after I edit them. And if you give me advice on how to make the story better, that's greatly appreciated.

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

But you do see how Professor Birch held Brendan back, May could have grabbed her sleeping bag and stuff then.

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

Well, here's chapters Two and Three... let me know what you think and how it can be improved...
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Chapter Two
May woke up before Brendan that day, and she sat against a rock, staring up at the wispy clouds in the sky.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Brendan get up and roll up his sleeping bag, blinking groggily.

His Mudkip, now dubbed Skipper, had hopped over to him and told him something. Brendan nodded and responded, glancing over at May.

She continued to stare up at the sky, until her Torchic, Blaze, popped out of his Pokeball.

<“May, Skipper saw you over there, talking to Brendan while he was asleep. I think that’s what he’s telling him. I’ll go find out for you!”> Blaze told his trainer, running on his chickeny legs over to Skipper.

<“Skipper, what were you telling Brendan?”> Blaze asked. <“What I saw May do last night, why?”> Skipper replied. <“Just wondering…”> Blaze said coolly.

He ran back over to May and told her, <“Yep, that’s what Skipper was doing alright, telling Brendan what you did.”>

“Thanks for telling me, Blaze.” May told her Chicken Pokemon quietly, then returned him to his Pokeball.

Every now and then, May’s eyes darted over to where Brendan was sitting, talking to Skipper.

“Yeah, I know, but what can I do about it?” Brendan told Skipper, “We hardly ever talk anymore… even though… I don’t know. Skipper, go tell May we know she’s eavesdropping.”

Skipper came over and said, <“May, Brendan said to tell you that he likes you.”> God, Skipper just loved to twist words around.

“Uh…” May said, wide-eyed, “Ew.”

Skipper laughed evilly when he saw Brendan’s face when he overheard what Skipper had said to May.

“Skipper, I suggest you run.” May told the Mud Fish Pokemon, “And now, while you still can!”
Skipper darted into the water, submerging himself in the crystal clear water. “I’M GONNA GET YOU, SKIPPER!!!” Brendan roared, pulling off his shirt and diving into the water.

<“Eep!”> Skipper yelped, swimming away. Brendan grabbed for Skipper’s tail.

“Gotcha!” He cried triumphantly, but he was underneath the water, so May heard, “Mmmmph!”

Brendan surfaced, gasping for air. May was laughing at him. Brendan glared daggers at her as he swam out of the lake, Skipper under his arm.

Brendan returned Skipper, said, “We’ll talk about that one later, mister,” and tugged his shirt back over his head.

“What’re you staring at?” He snapped as he saw May watching him, a smile on her face.

“Oh, don’t flatter yourself, Brendan.” May retorted, standing huffily.

She clipped her fanny pack around her waist and hooked Blaze’s Pokeball to it. She then ran away from Brendan, who yelled after her, “Don’t make me chase you down like I had to chase down Skipper!”

He picked up his bag, put Skipper’s Pokeball on his belt, and sprinted after May, calling her name the whole time.

If what Skipper had said was true, if May really had sat by his head, playing with his hair and talking to him while he slept, God, all these “ifs” were impossible to shove away.

Finally Brendan caught up with May. “Jeez, May, slow down!” He said, seeing the fury in her sapphire blue eyes.

She turned to face him. “You know what, Brendan? You think you’re all high and mighty because your dad is a Pokemon researcher, and you have a Pokemon, and are about to get your first gym badge, but here’s a reality check- YOU’RE ONLY HUMAN! No one can be perfect, but you think you can! That doesn’t cut it with me! If your dad thinks we’re gonna get along, he was dead wrong! The only person you give a damn about is yourself!” May practically screamed in his face.

And suddenly May was running off again. Only this time, Brendan stayed where he was, shock still etched in his face. And as she ran off, Skipper came out of his Pokeball in time to hear Brendan say, “You’ve really done it now, Birch. Great job blowing off your only friend.”

<“Hey, Brendan, no need to be all down on yourself- just go apologize, she’s in that tree over there.”> Skipper said, pointing. “Who asked for your opinion, anyway?” Brendan muttered, returning the mouthy Mudkip.

He ran over and hoisted himself into the tree. May was on a branch quite high up, so he set himself on a branch a bit to her left. “May- I’m sorry.” He said hesitantly. May looked up at him, right into his eyes.

To Brendan’s disdain, tears were falling down May’s face. “I’m sorry, too, Brendan. But sometimes you can be such an arrogant jerk!” She replied.

A grin spread across Brendan’s face. “I know. But I do it just to bug you.” He teased. May glared at him.

“Haha, very funny.” She said, rolling her eyes. God- those deep, sapphire blue eyes. Brendan could melt in them.

He forced himself to look away. Instead, he stared at the tree, studying the intricate bark patterns.

“Brendan… never mind. But let’s go, my dad’s waiting at the gym.” May said softly, squeezing his hand. Then she let go, climbing down the tree. She waited for Brendan at the bottom of the tree, but he was still up there, his hand tingling from her touch.

He snapped back to reality, swiftly climbing down the tree. Once at the base, they both started walking towards Petalburg.

He should of confessed his feelings for May right then and there, but Brendan didn’t know that the person who would steal May’s heart was going to go to the Petalburg gym while they were there.

Chapter Three
May and Brendan walked into the gym, and Norman, gym leader and May’s dad, greeted them. “Ah, May. You’re here. But we can’t battle- not until you have at least-”

Suddenly a green-haired, green-eyed kid walked in, just a little shorter than Brendan and a little taller than May, making him about five foot three.

“You… you said you’d loan me a Pokemon so I could go catch my own…” The kid said weakly.

“Ah, you must be Wally. May, Brendan, would you two help Wally catch a Pokemon? He can borrow my Zigzagoon, no problem, but could one of you supply him with a Pokeball? I don’t have any at the moment.” Norman said, giving Wally a Pokeball.

“Sure!” May said cheerily, “C’mon Brendan!” She led Brendan and Wally out to the fields by Petalburg, the same field where May and Brendan had argued that very morning.

“Hey!” Wally yelped as a Ralts popped up. “Uh, go, Zigzagoon!” Wally said. Zigzagoon came out of the Pokeball.

“Tackle!” Wally ordered, and May gave the boy a Pokeball.

Wally threw the Pokeball- it shook once… twice… and it dinged, signaling that the Ralts was captured. “Yay!” Wally said happily, “Thanks for coming with me, you guys…” And he started walking back towards Petalburg.

May caught up, while Brendan lagged behind. “Hey, Wally.” Brendan heard May tell the green-haired trainer, “Wow. A Ralts your first time into the field. That’s pretty rare, you know…” “It is?” Wally said incredulously. “Yeah! Not even my dad could catch one that quick!” May replied.

“Norman’s your dad?” Wally asked. “Yep. He taught me all I know about Pokemon…” May said thoughtfully.

Brendan watched the two as they walked quickly, while he walked slowly. “Alright… I’ll take dad his Pokeball back. See you around, Wally!” May giggled, taking Zigzagoon’s Pokeball and waving good-bye to the green-haired trainer.

Brendan jogged to catch up to May, and said, “You seem pretty fond of Wally already, even though you just met him…” Brendan told her thoughtfully.

Then he grinned evilly, “You don’t happen to like him, do you?” May blushed. “Ooh, May likes Wally!” Brendan teased her.

May whacked Brendan with perfect accuracy. He was holding the side of his head all the way back into town.

“Where’s dear Wally headed off to anyway?” Brendan asked. “Uh, Verdanturf. It’s because he’s ill… the air there is said to be fresh and clear of smog and other stuff like that.” May answered.

They stayed silent as May led the way back to her father’s gym. Brendan stayed outside while May returned her father’s Zigzagoon.

When she came back out, she had her “thinking” face on. “Haven’t I advised you against thinking? You could hurt what little brain you have.” Brendan teased.

May glared at the white-haired boy trainer, saying, “While I have very little brain, you have no brain at all!” At this she giggled.

“What’s so funny?” Brendan snapped. “Nothing, nothing…” May replied.

They started walking towards the Petalburg Forest, when May slapped her head and cried, “I forgot to heal Blaze!”

She turned and pelted towards the Pokemon Center. Brendan followed her, and they both handed their Pokemon to the Chansey that came to have them healed.

It took about five minutes of utter silence for the Chansey to return the Pokeballs. “Chansey!” She cried, handing them their Pokeballs.

May thanked the pink Pokemon and she and Brendan walked out of the Pokemon Center.

The two continued towards the forest in utter silence, and for the second time in two days, they heard someone yell,

“HELP!!!”

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

In my view, it was a bit rushed. Even if you don't say everything their doing, at least make it seem like time went by. Like waste time by describing the scenery. Or tell what the character is thinking. And description proves useful if someone who read this didn't know who 'May' is. And things.

But then this is a first story. But then, you could be more specific, or sorts. And characterization you ned to work on. Not everyone acts th same way. Every single person in the world is different, so remember that.

I understand, I tried to slow the pace of the story down in Chapters two and three... I don't think it worked. Thanks for pointing that out to me.

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

Chapter four'll be up later today, possibly tomorrow...

 

[Xiang]

An easy way to slow down is to add in more description, like what the character is feeling.

BAD:
May was sad.

GOOD:
Tears sped down her face like a rushing waterfall.

Use metaphors- those can help a lot.

Also, don't jump from one place to another without a transition. This could also help for slowing down.

BAD:
They ran through a forest until they reached the next town. At the Pokemon Center, they slept for the night in separate rooms. Then they went to the harbor the next morning.

Go through each part slowly, as if it were real life.

And watch how much dialogue there is compared to description.

I hope this helps! And please don't post more than one time in a row, it is against the rules. Just click the "edit" button to add more to your post if you need to instead of posting more than once in a row.

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

An easy way to slow down is to add in more description, like what the character is feeling.

BAD:
May was sad.

GOOD:
Tears sped down her face like a rushing waterfall.

Use metaphors- those can help a lot.

Also, don't jump from one place to another without a transition. This could also help for slowing down.

BAD:
They ran through a forest until they reached the next town. At the Pokemon Center, they slept for the night in separate rooms. Then they went to the harbor the next morning.

Go through each part slowly, as if it were real life.

And watch how much dialogue there is compared to description.

I hope this helps! And please don't post more than one time in a row, it is against the rules. Just click the "edit" button to add more to your post if you need to instead of posting more than once in a row.

Thanks... that really helps.

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

Here's chapters 4-5... enjoy!!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter Four

“It came from the forest- hey, watch where you’re going!” May yelped as someone ran past her, knocking her to the ground. The girl trainer had that furious look in her eyes.

“HELP!!! HE GOT THE DEVON GOODS!!” Another man yelled, and ran past as well.

“Maybe we can help!” May exclaimed, “You coming, Brendan? Let’s chase that guy down!” Brendan sighed.

“Okay…” He muttered. They both enlarged their Pokeballs and sprinted the way the guy that had knocked May down had gone.

They saw the man, in black pants, red shirt, with an M emblazoned on the front, slipping away through the trees. “Go, Blaze, get him!” May cried, releasing Blaze.

“You too, Skipper!” Brendan said, letting Skipper out.

The two Pokemon ran through the closely placed trees, while Brendan and May had to go a little slower seeing their size differences from their Pokemon.

May heard Blaze go, “Tor, Torchic!” and Skipper say, “Mud, Mudkip!” most likely meaning they had caught the man that had been dressed so strangely.

May and Brendan found Blaze and Skipper keeping the strange man in a corner, Blaze shooting embers at him every time he tried to get past the two Pokemon.

“Tor, chic, Torchic!” Blaze cried, seeing May. “Hand over the Devon Goods.” May said firmly, holding out her hands. “NO!” The guy yelled, trying once more in vain to get past the Pokemon. ‘

Brendan blocked his way.

“You heard her, hand over the Devon Goods.” He snarled, “Or face the consequences.”

“No.” The guy smirked defiantly, “What’s a runt like you gonna do anyway?”

“Skipper, water gun!” Brendan ordered his Mudkip. “Mud, Mudkip!” Skipper chirped obligingly. “Fine! Fine!” The guy yelped, tossing the package to May, who questioned, “Who are you?”

“A Team Magma Grunt!” The guy said, “Now, let me go!” And he ran past them, nearly knocking May over again.

“Idiot.” May grumbled, returning Blaze. Brendan did the same with Skipper, congratulating him on a job well done.

“Not calling you an idiot, or anything, Blaze. I’m talking about the Magma dude.” May mumbled to her Torchic through the Pokeball.

May untied her bandana and then re-tied it, sighing. “Let’s go find the dude this stuff was stolen from.” She said.

“Okay.” Brendan agreed, and they shoved their way through the trees, finally finding a dude huddling on the ground outside the forest, bawling his eyes out.

“Oh! The Devon Goods! Thank you!” The guy cried, standing up. He took the Goods and made sure it was all there. “Thank you! How can I ever repay you? I know! Come with me!” He continued.

The Devon dude led them through the forest and into Rustboro City.

He led them through the city and into a tall building, then up to the third floor. “Go ahead, sit, I have to talk to the President.” The Devon dude told the duo, pointing to a couch.

May remained standing, leaning against the wall. Her head hurt all of a sudden.

The Devon dude came back a couple minutes later, two devices in his hand. “They’re PokeNavs.” He explained, handing them each one, “The Match Call system… Oh, find it out for yourself!”

May and Brendan exchanged glances, wondering what on earth the guy was talking about.

“Well, we better get going… See ya!” Brendan said quickly, bolting down the stairs. May followed, running into Brendan outside. Literally.

“Ouch.” She muttered, glaring at the boy trainer, “Warn me when you’re going to stop right in front of me.”

“Whatever. Time to head to the gym, anyways…” Brendan said, pointing to a building farther into the town. The two trainers walked towards it, Brendan muttering about how May needed to watch where she was going and not run into him.

“Oh, shut up.” May finally snapped.

The two walked into the gym in silence. “Who wants to battle Roxanne first?” Brendan asked. May sighed and walked towards the gym leader, head held high.

“I am Roxanne of Rustboro Gym.” A girl in a school uniform type outfit said, as May stepped forward. “May Maple of Littleroot.” May responded, enlarging a Pokeball.

“Roxanne of Rustboro gym versus May Maple of Littleroot. Three-on-three. Commence battling!” A judge called. May sent out Blaze, while Roxanne sent out Geodude. “Blaze, double kick!” May called.

“Geodude, dodge!” Roxanne ordered.

“Blaze, ember now!” May screeched, “While he’s busy focusing on where he’s going!” “Tor, Torchic!” Blaze cried, sending out yellow-red-orange colored flames. “Ge-Geodude!” The rock Pokemon cried, fainting.

“Yes! Way to go Blaze!” May said congratulatory. “Go, Nosepass!” Roxanne sent out a rock Pokemon resembling a nose. May scratched her head, accidentally tugging at her brown hair, confusion in her sapphire blue eyes.

“Blaze, ember!” May cried, pointing at the Nosepass. Blaze sent out another jet of yellow-red-orange flames, barely damaging the Nosepass. “Nosepass, Magnitude!” Roxanne called. “Blaze, jump, it’s become Earthquake!” May told her Torchic frantically.

“While he’s already attacking! Use scratch, then try another ember!” May called, her blue eyes blazing.

“Tor, chic, Tor!” Blaze responded, as if saying, “Ma’am, yes, ma’am!”

The small chicken Pokemon raked its claws across the Nosepass, then blasting it with a blaze of flames from its beak.
The Nosepass fainted, swirls in its eyes.

“YES!!” May exclaimed, “Good job, Blaze!” “Go, Geodude!” Roxanne said, sending out the rock Pokemon. “Blaze, use Ember! It worked pretty well last time!” Blaze blasted the Geodude with flames- a one-hit KO.

“Well, good job Geodude! You deserve a rest.” Roxanne told her Pokemon. “Well, that was quite a good battle! I haven’t enjoyed a battle that good since Wallace and Steven passed through! You deserve this badge.” Roxanne said, turning to May. She handed over the badge. “That was such an excellent battle. Allow me to register you in my PokeNav!” Roxanne continued. “Well, Brendan, it’s your turn. Have a good battle!” May told the white-haired trainer.

Sitting there, in the Pokemon center, waiting for Brendan to return from his battle with Roxanne, May couldn’t help but think of who she had greater feelings for- Brendan or Wally. Sure, she’d known Brendan longer than Wally, but Wally was just so damn cute!

“Chansey!” The pink Pokemon cried as she returned with May’s Pokemon. “Thanks, Chansey.” May said, grudgingly standing up. She went outside the Pokemon Center, still thinking about that green-haired trainer Wally, not even seeing Brendan. “OUCH!!!” She yelped, running right into him.

“Someone’s in a bad mood. I got my badge!” Brendan exclaimed, grinning broadly. “HELP!! HELP!! HE TOOK PEEKO!!!”

Chapter Five
“PEEKO!” Someone screamed, running right past the two trainers, knocking May over. Brendan tried not to laugh as he offered the girl trainer his hand, pulling her to her feet.

“Don’t you dare laugh Brendan Birch.” May growled, glaring.

“Well… I tried not to.” Brendan finally cracked, nearly falling over from laughing so hard. The girl trainer raised her fist as a warning, then let the matter drop.

“I hate you, Brendan Birch.” May glowered, glaring daggers.

“Aw, I love you too, May.” Brendan teased, pulling May’s hair. But in his head he was thinking, ‘You don’t know how true that is, May Maple.’

* * *
“So?? What started this argument anyways?!” May shrieked, hurling a rock into the lake.

“Uh… I forgot…” Brendan muttered, shying away from the angry girl trainer. May glared, then sighed.

“Jeez, Brendan. Seems like we’re arguing about nothing again. Ah well. Let’s get going, see what that old man was doing.” May muttered, tugging at her brown hair thoughtfully.

May and Brendan walked towards the source of the loud, angry voice screaming, “DAMN IT, GIVE ME BACK MY WINGULL!!!”

They saw the old man up ahead, cornering the Magma member that had stolen the Devon Goods a while ago.

“What are you gonna do about it, old man Briney?” The Magma member taunted.

“Go, Blaze!” May cried, sending out her Torchic. Beside her, May heard Brendan call, “Go, Skipper!”

The duo mixed their fire and water skills, blasting the Team Magma member back. “FINE! HERE’S THE STUPID WINGULL! Now leave me alone!” The Grunt howled, running away.

“Peeko!” The old man cried, running over to his Wingull. “If there’s anything I can do to help you two, come to my house by the sea outside of Petalburg. Thank you so much! I’m Mr. Briney by the way. And you are…” Mr. Briney said.

“May Maple, and this is my travel buddy, Brendan Birch.” May said brightly, “Now, we better get going! See you later, Mr. Briney!”

Brendan sighed, shaking his head. As May walked off into the grass outside of Rustboro, Brendan followed, shivering at how dark it was getting. “Aw, is someone scared of the dark?” May teased.

“No- I mean ye- No!” Brendan stuttered angrily. May just laughed. “Whatever, Brendan.” She giggled.

* * *​

The small amount of trees sped by quickly as May and Brendan raced towards the Rusturf Tunnel. May stopped outside the tunnel, staring at it in dismay. “No! It caved in.” May sighed, “We’ll have to go around somehow…”

“What about Mr. Briney? He has a boat… and we have yet to go to Dewford… Yeah! That’ll work!” Brendan suggested, then cringed at the thought of having to go back through the darkness of the Petalburg Woods.

“Oh, you big baby. Scared of the dark. Well, we have to go back to Rustboro anyways… OK. Let’s go.” May agreed. A hand grabbed her arm, forcing her to face the person the hand belonged to. Brendan.

He leaned forward and brushed his lips lightly over May’s. Two seconds later he pulled away, embarrassed. “S-so-sorry.” He stuttered.

May touched two fingers to her tingling lips. “Brendan-” She started.

“No. I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened…” Brendan interrupted, holding up a hand to stop her, “Please. Forget that ever happened.”

May sighed. She turned around and led the way through the darkness towards the Rustboro City Pokemon Center, stopping only to let Brendan catch up.

Once at the Pokemon Center, the two trainers checked into a room with a bunk bed, flashing their trainer cards at Nurse Joy and getting a room key in return.

May and Brendan plodded towards the room, and once there, May called the bottom bunk, plopping onto it, exhaustion causing her to fall asleep as soon as she laid down.

* * *​

Brendan sat against the wall opposite the bunk beds, staring at May’s sleeping face. “What made me kiss her? She‘s just a friend…” He mused, sighing.

Then he remembered May’s diary. She kept it in her fanny pack, which was on the ground by her bunk. Brendan knew it was a total invasion of May’s privacy, but he had to know what she’d been writing.

Brendan silently unzipped May’s fanny pack, and pulled out a thin red book with a Torchic image on the cover. He flipped it open and skipped over the first entry- it was about May’s move.

The second entry interested him:

“Dear Diary,
Today I met Professor Birch, Mrs. Birch, and their son, Brendan. Brendan’s kinda cute, but not really. He’s really annoying, and bossy to boot! I have to travel with him- that really sucks.

On the other hand, I got a Pokemon today! And this was shortly after me and Mom reached Littleroot Town today. My Pokemon’s a Torchic- I nicknamed him Blaze. He seems to get along with Brendan’s Mudkip, but they have little in common.

Well, that’s all I’ve got to say today…But I’ll update later.
~May~”

Brendan heard May stir at the other end of the room. He looked up, but only saw her roll over and face the wall. Brendan continued to read the diary, and saw yet another interesting entry:

“Dear Diary,

Today, I met Wally Wood at my father’s gym in Petalburg City. He’s ill- he’s heading to Verdanturf Town because the air there is better. Me and Brendan helped Wally catch a Pokemon- he got a Ralts first time out in the field!

Wally’s cute. He has green hair that flops over his face and these really deep, sensitive green eyes. God… I think I’m in love with Wally. How can this be if I just met him?!

Well, that’s all I’ve got to say for now…

~May~”
At that, Brendan shut the diary. He slipped the small red book back into May’s yellow fanny pack, nearly jumping out of his skin when May’s eyelids flickered.

Once he put the book back in May’s fanny pack, Brendan climbed up onto the top bunk to catch a couple hours of sleep.

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

Let me know what you think- ways to make it better are MUCH appreciated. What's the word for May and Brendan shipping??? Cause this story is a whatever that is/ Contestshipping (May does contests as well as pokemon trainin- oops... told you too much) ;259;

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

Chapter Six
When May woke up the next morning, she was thinking, “We definitely have to visit Verdanturf.” Why she thought that, she had no idea, but it’s what was on her mind.

May stood on the ladder leading to the top bunk and tried to shake Brendan awake. When everything else failed, she took Skipper’s Pokeball off Brendan’s belt.

“Skipper, use water gun on him!” May told the tired Mudkip, pointing at Brendan. “Mud, Mudkip!” Skipper cried, blasting the water at Brendan’s face.

“I’m up, ma, I’m up!” Brendan yelped, sitting bolt upright. May fell off the ladder laughing. She landed with a thud, and got the wind knocked out of her.

Brendan roared with laughter as he gracefully stepped down the ladder to the ground. “That’s how you go down a ladder, May.” Brendan teased.

May stood, and said, “C’mon, get your stuff. Time to go.”

The duo walked out of the Pokemon Center after checking out and walked towards the dark entryway to the Petalburg Woods. May led the way cheerfully into the darkness, dragging Brendan behind her.
“Brendan, you big scaredy-cat!” She yelled, dragging the poor boy trainer by the ear when he hesitated. The duo hopped the ledges down to the exit, where bright sunlight was filtering through.

Brendan dashed forward, running straight into another trainer. “Hey, scaredy-cat, I challenge you to a battle! See if you can beat my ultimate bug team!” The trainer snarled, “And watch where you’re going.” The trainer had three Pokemon- all bugs.

“Ah… easy. Go, Skipper!” Brendan yelled, sending out his Mudkip. Brendan noticed May had left, but Brendan didn’t bother looking for her yet.

“Go, Wurmple!” The bug trainer called, sending out the pinkish red caterpillar.

“Skipper, water gun!” Brendan ordered. Skipper obliged, knocking out the level three Wurmple easily. The Trainer-Pokemon team took out all three of the kid’s Wurmples with water gun, winning them $300 and registering the bug catcher in the PokeNav.

May showed up just as the battle ended. She clutched a Pokeball in her hand, a dark dog Pokemon, a Poochyena, inside. She stuck it on her fanny pack, then beckoned Brendan over. “C’mon. Mr. Briney’s waiting for us.” She told him.

“OK.” Brendan said, following May out into the blinding sunlight.

May sprinted over to Mr. Briney’s large wooden house by the sea, skidding through the door.

“Hey- Mr. Briney!” She gasped for breath, “Do you think you could- take us to Dewford?”

Mr. Briney replied, “Of course! Are you planning to battle Brawly?”

May and Brendan nodded. “Yes, sir!” May said, grinning. Mr. Briney led the duo out to an old, rickety white and green boat, telling them to go ahead and wander around- it would take a while to get to Dewford.

May sat on the starboard side of the boat, staring out at the rippling blue ocean. Brendan soon plopped down beside her.

“What’s up?” The white-haired trainer asked her, watching the brown-haired girl next to him.

“Nothing.” May said, sighing, “Just thinking, that’s all.” “Why did you kiss me, Brendan? Why, that’s all I want to know… Are you… what am I thinking?” May thought.

As if he read her mind, Brendan said, “May, I have no clue why I kissed you- it just… happened.”

“OK, Brendan. That’s all I wanted to know.” May said quietly, just as Mr. Briney called, “We have made land in Dewford. Please exit the ship!”

May silently walked off the boat, thanking Mr. Briney as she passed him.

Dewford was a small, quiet island south of Petalburg and southwest of Slateport. The gym, being the biggest building, stood out immensely.

May and Brendan walked into the gym, and wound their way through the darkness to find the gym leader, Brawly, hiding away in a corner.

“I’m Brawly! Are you challenging me, little lady?” The fighting master cried.

“Yes. I am. Hit me with your best shot!” May cried, releasing her Torchic.

“Go, Makuhita!” Brawly ordered, releasing a fat, pinkish Pokemon.

“OK. This will be a three-on-three match. Brawly of Dewford Gym and May Maple of Littleroot. Commence battling!” A judge called, stepping off the field.

“Blaze, ember!” May called, her tension building with each passing second.

“Tor, Torchic!” Blaze cried, releasing a jet of flame at Makuhita. Finally, four direct hits later, Makuhita fainted, X’s in its eyes.

“Yeah!” May cried, thrusting her fist in the air.

“OK… here goes! Meditite, go!” Brawly sent out his next Pokemon, “Focus energy!”

“Blaze, ember!” May ordered, watching the flames hit the Meditite. It fainted in three turns, finished off by two ember attacks and one scratch.

“Damn, you’re good! OK, let’s go Machop!!” Brawly roared, sending out his last Pokemon, “Cross chop!”

“Blaze, dodge it and whack it with an ember attack!” May cried, fear for her Pokemon freezing her to her spot.

May sighed with relief when cross chop missed, and Blaze shot flames at his opponent. Machop jumped up, barely avoiding the red-yellow-orange flames, and hit Blaze with a low kick.

“Tor, Torchic!” May’s poor chicken Pokemon cried, fainting. “Oh!” May cried, returning her Torchic, “Go, Poochyena!”

Her level seventeen Poochyena popped out of his Pokeball and growled, pawing the ground in a horse-like fashion. “Poochyena, bite!” May ordered, praying for a one-hit KO. She got her wish.

“YES!” May shrieked as Machop fainted. Brawly shook her hand.

“Good match! Here’s the badge. Congratulations! And here, let me register you in my PokeNav.” Brawly told the ecstatic girl trainer, grinning. Once May left, Brendan stepped up to face Brawly.

“Brendan Birch of Littleroot.” He said.

“Brawly of Dewford Gym versus Brendan Birch of Littleroot. Three-on-three match. Commence battling!” The judge called.

* * *

Meanwhile…

May sat in the Pokemon Center, tapping her fingers on the table. Brendan was taking forever. “Well, at least we’ll be able to go to Verdanturf soon…” May thought, sighing.

“Chansey!” Cried the pink egg-bearing Pokemon, bringing May her two Pokeballs. Her Torchic should have evolved one level ago… at level eighteen, but he hadn’t. May didn’t understand that.

“Hey! May! I got my badge! I got my Knucklebadge!” A voice behind May cried, running from the sounds of feet pounding on tile.

May turned. It was Brendan, grinning ecstatically. May smiled back, then went back to her thoughts.

“May, c’mon. We gotta catch the boat to Slateport! It leaves soon!” Brendan said, waving his hand in front of May’s face.

May jolted out of her thoughts, then stood and followed Brendan out the door into the sunset.

Chapter Seven

On the boat, there was an extra passenger. Mr. Briney introduced him as Steven Stone, a rock collector and Pokemon trainer.

“Hey.” Steven said, grinning. His silver hair glinted in the fading sunlight, and he held a dark, midnight black stone in his hand.

“Sup?” Brendan muttered, preoccupied with his thoughts. “May, why don’t you give me a chance? Why don’t you understand that I love you?” Brendan thought.

“What’s wrong?” Steven asked the white-haired boy, a thoughtful expression on his face.

“Huh? Oh, nothing.” Brendan replied. Brendan walked over to the rail and stared out at the ocean, watching the Goldeens and Luvdiscs jumping in the water.

“I just don’t get it, May.” The words formed in Brendan’s head, like a letter that needed to be written.

Suddenly the boat docked, and Mr. Briney asked them to exit the boat.

A green haired trainer stood on the dock, three Pokeballs on his belt and a smug look in his emerald green eyes. He introduced himself to Mr. Briney as Drew, but that was all he said, other than asking for a ride to Dewford, and then to Petalburg.

“C’mon, May. Let’s go.” Brendan muttered, turning to walk up the beach.

May stood rooted to the spot. “He looks like Wally…” May thought, then turned and ran after Brendan, trying to catch up.

May caught up quicker than she thought. She was going so fast she ran straight into Brendan, knocking him over, flat on his stomach. She sprawled on top of him, red creeping across her face like a spider.

“So- sorry-” May apologized, quickly standing up. She offered Brendan her hand, and when he had grabbed it, tugged him to his feet.

“Brendan, I’m so sorry…” May said again, blushing a deep red. She stared at the ground, drawing in the sand with the toe of her tennis shoe.

“It’s OK, May. Chill.” Brendan grinned, “I just didn’t know you liked me enough to knock me over!” May glared daggers at him all the way into town.

As they passed a squat building by the sea, May and Brendan saw people in blue and white striped shirts shoving their way into it.

“Hey! Get out of Team Aqua’s way!” One member of the group yelled.

“Team Aqua-” May started, then she screamed as someone grabbed her. A hand was clamped over her mouth, and an arm circled her waist.

“I am a Team Aqua Grunt, and you’re coming with me.” Her captor hissed in her ear. This was definitely not Brendan pulling a prank, that was for sure, because her captor was wearing blue stripes.
“Brendan!” May tried to scream, but due to the hand over her mouth, it came out, “Mmmmmph!!!”

The Aqua Grunt howled in pain as May bit him. “BRENDAN!!!” May screamed, just before her mouth was covered again.

“Little b****!” The Aqua Grunt panted, “Go, Bulbasaur! Hold her with your vine whip, and cover her mouth with it too!” Bulbasaur popped out of his Pokeball, obediently wrapping a vine around May’s arms and chest, and wrapping the other one around her head across her mouth.

But it was too late, Brendan was already sprinting over, enlarging a Pokeball. That was all May saw before an ear-splitting CRACK resounded, and she blacked out.

* * *​

Brendan saw the bat come down on May’s head, saw the girl pass out.

“Let her go!” He roared, sending out his Mudkip. But it was too late. The Team Aqua Grunt had thrown down a smoke ball and disappeared.

Brendan dropped to his knees, tears falling down his face like rain. “No…” He moaned, putting his head in his hands.

<“It’s all right! We’ll get May back!”> Skipper said, patting his trainer’s back.

“But where did they go?” Brendan asked the Mudkip, “WHERE DID HE TAKE MAY?!”

<“That I don’t know, Brendan, but we’ll find out! Let’s go!”> Skipper cried, a fierce look in his orange eyes.

Brendan wiped the back of his hand across his face, wiping away the tears. He returned Skipper to his Pokeball and in his head vowed, “I will save you, May, I promise.”

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!!! Thanks.

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

The next couple of chapters will be up soon.

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

Chapters 8 and 9... for one scene, I thank Breezy for the idea.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter Eight

May regained consciousness in a small, bleak white room.

“Ugh, where am I?” She thought, blanching at the sight of the skeletons hanging from the walls.

May herself had her hands tied to a ring on the wall above her head, her legs chained together, shackled to the floor.

“HELP!!!” She yelled, the sound of her cries reverberating through the room.

“HELP!!!” The walls seemed to mock her as her cry rang through again.
“My God… What are they going to do to me?” May asked herself fearfully.

“Hmmm…. What are we going to do with you….” A thoughtful voice said from the doorway.

May turned her head and asked, “Who are you?”

“Why, Archie, leader of Team Aqua, of course. And thank you for gracing me with your presence, you will make a lovely addition to the team.” The man replied. Archie was in blue pants, a white and blue striped shirt, a blue jacket, white tennis shoes, and a blue bandana with the Aqua insignia on it.

“And why would I make a good addition to the team? I’m nothing to you, you kidnapped me, for crying out loud!” May asked, glaring.

“I’ve seen you battle- you can beat that white-haired boy’s Mudkip with your Torchic. Not many trainers can do that. Besides- you’ve beaten several Magma Team members as well- good work. Now, I offer you two choices- join Team Aqua, or die. Plain and simple.” Archie answered smugly.

“Hmm… give me twenty four hours- release me now, and I will meet you at the cliff by that one lake in that amount of time.” May said quickly- she knew this was her only way to escape, yet she had to keep her word.

“Deal.” Archie said indifferently. May was released, and she scurried out the door and through the endless halls of the Aqua hideout.

Suddenly, a burst of air smacked the brown-haired girl in the face, making her gasp. The Aqua hideout had been tucked away under a secret door on Slateport’s beach, hidden by the endless sands.

May felt at her belt for Blaze’s Pokeball. It wasn’t there. Neither was her Poochyena’s.

“He- he tricked me.” May said, horror stricken, “I can’t believe he was able to trick me like that.”

May sprinted towards Slateport, where she spotted Brendan through the windows of the Pokemon Center. May burst through the door, and called the boy’s name.

* * *​

“Brendan!” Brendan heard someone yell his name, so he slowly turned around. “What do you-” He started, but seeing May standing in the doorway, he stopped.

Time seemed to stop as Brendan ran over to May. He was oblivious to all the trainers in the room but May. As he scooped the girl into his arms, she started laughing.

“Hello to you too.” May said, “But I need your help. I have to go back to the Aqua hideout- they held me captive there- and they have my Pokemon.”

Brendan gasped, “My God.”

May leaned her head tiredly against Brendan’s chest. Brendan led the girl outside, then they sat underneath a tree, Brendan leaning his head on May’s head, which was resting on his shoulder, his arms around her.

“I have to meet with him again in twenty four hours.” May murmured, tearstains streaking her face, “He wants me to join Team Aqua.”

“You can’t. Team Aqua just wants to turn the whole world into one large ocean!” Brendan cried.

“I know. But it’s that, or death.” May replied, sighing, knowing there was no way to undermine Archie.

Brendan saw May’s thinking face creep its way up. But next thing Brendan knew, May was asleep, head on his shoulder.

* * *​

“May. May, wake up.” Brendan hissed. There was an evil presence around, he didn’t like it. Skipper could sense it too.

<“Brendan, I’m scared.”> The blue Pokemon cried.

“It’s all right, Skipper. As soon as May wakes up, we’re leaving.” Brendan said quietly.

“You’re not going anywhere.” A sly voice hissed. Brendan looked up, just as a man in a blue uniform stepped out of the shadows, three growling Poochyena’s by his side.

“Archie wants to visit with Miss May Maple about that position he offered her. She is to meet him at the cliff she specified the meeting to be at. Be warned, several Admins and Grunts will be there, and their Pokemon too. Good day.” And the man disappeared into the shadows again.

“Brendan?” May asked groggily, sitting up.

Brendan nodded. “Come on. You have to meet with Archie.” He murmured, helping the girl stand.

“Oh…” May muttered, walking through the dense trees to the lake. The steep, gray cliff jutted over the water, a menacing shadow in the dark.

“Wait here.” May told Brendan, walking up. The path was steep and rocky, and several stones fell behind May as she precariously picked her way up the cliff. Two Pokeballs were tossed to her, but soared over her head as she ducked. A dull thock behind her told May that Brendan had followed her.

“Go back down!” May hissed, “They’d kill you on the spot!”

Brendan sighed and trudged back down.

“May Maple here to see Mr. Archie, leader of Team Aqua.” May told the people on guard. They bowed and let her pass.

May passed other Grunts and Admins on her way to visit with Archie, but none challenged her. She reached Archie without event.

“What is your answer?” Was Archie’s first words to May.

“No.” May said clearly. She could tell by the twitch of Archie’s eyes that it was the wrong answer.

“Fine. Go, Lapras! Ice beam on the girl! Teach her that no one tells Archie of Team Aqua no!” Archie ordered, sending out the Pokemon. It was a graceful blue color, with a shell on its back for people to ride on it.

“Lap, Lapras!” The Pokemon cried, sending the blast of ice at May. It hit her too suddenly for May to worry. The ice attack froze her arms to her sides, her legs together, and she couldn’t move at all.

“NO!!!” May cried in her head, falling over the edge of the cliff in a solid block of ice. She could do nothing as her frozen body got closer and closer to the solid wall of water.

With a humongous splash, May met the water, sinking straight to the bottom. The last thing she saw was Brendan and Skipper swimming towards her.

Chapter Nine

Brendan saw it all- saw May refuse to join Team Aqua, saw Archie order his Lapras to attack May, saw May go falling off the cliff as a solid block of ice. He moved quickly, sending his Mudkip into the water to float above the place where May had sunk.

Brendan quickly swam out to the part of the lake where May lay, frozen, at the bottom. He dived down and reached around, feeling for the girl.

May’s wide eyes stared up at him through the ice, which was already melting. He grabbed May’s arm and dragged her to the surface, gasping for air when his head broke the surface.

He released May’s Torchic from his Pokeball, ordering him to melt the ice surrounding May. When the job was done, May’s face was already blue, her lips a light hue of purple, and her skin was really cold, like ice.

“Return, Torchic!” Brendan said, and put the Pokeball in his bag. He picked May up, slung her across his shoulders, and carried her to the nearest hospital, all the way in Verdanturf. Just as soon as Brendan set foot on the springy grass in the small, quiet little town of Verdanturf, a very familiar green-haired trainer came running.

“What happened?” Wally exclaimed, seeing May.

“I’ll explain later. She needs medical attention now!” Brendan cried, rushing to the hospital next to the PokeMart. The tiled white walls were not inviting to step through, but as soon as Brendan and Wally came in supporting May between them, May was taken directly to the ICU.

“Now, tell me what happened!” Wally snarled, making Brendan sit in the waiting room.

“OK, I’ll start where May was kidnapped. We were in Slateport, when we saw Team Aqua going into the Oceanic Museum. May was talking to me, when a Grunt came up and kidnapped her, taking her to their hideout. There, she talked them into letting her go if she met them again in twenty four hours with an answer to their proposition of a place on their team. So when she met up with them, she refused to join, and the leader Archie sent out his Lapras and used ice beam on her. She fell into the water and sunk. I dove in after her and brought her here.” Brendan explained, a poorly concealed sigh exiting his mouth.

“Oh…” Wally murmured, “That’s horrible…”

Suddenly the doctor came out of the ICU unit. “Brendan and Wally?” He said.

Brendan replied, “Yeah.”

“My medical team have learned what happened by probing the patient’s mind with a Kadabra, but we are currently trying to revive Miss Maple. We lost all vital signs about a minute ago- they are trying to resuscitate her currently.” The doctor told the two boys with a grim sigh.

Wally gasped, but Brendan completely broke down. “Keep trying- I can’t lose her like this.” He choked out past the lump in his throat.

The doctor nodded. “Will do. And if you two wish to stay here, we can get you some cots.” He replied.

“No, I live here in town. Brendan can stay with my family.” Wally interrupted, which was followed by another nod from the doctor.

“I’ll call you with more updates.” He said, “You’ll be the first to know anything. What’s May’s parents’ number?”

When Brendan had given the number to the doctor, he was led to Wally’s aunt Wanda’s house in the south part of town.

“Brendan, I can understand what you’re going through-” Wally started.

“No… I need time to think right now. Please, leave me alone for a while.” Brendan said quietly, sitting on the edge of the rough wooden porch.

“OK. Let me know if you need anything. Come in whenever.” Wally sighed, walking through the door. Wally could understand what Brendan was going through- Brendan wasn’t the only one who couldn’t bear to lose May.

“I can’t believe it. Team Aqua- I knew they were crazy, but not crazy enough to attempt to kill someone! This is insane!” Wally thought with a grim expression.

“Wally! Where were you?” Wanda, Wally’s cousin, asked, seeing him come through the door.

“Helping whats-his-face out there get May to the hospital…” Wally told his cousin thoughtfully.

“Who’s “whats-his-face”?” Wanda asked.

“Uh… Brendan Birch.” Wally replied, slipping through the door to his room. Wally had more important things on his mind than his rival. He was worried about May. Despite what he had told the doctor, he was going back to the hospital.

Wally opened his bedroom window and punched out the screen, causing blood to run down his knuckles. Ignoring the pain, he jumped out the window and sprinted towards the hospital. He ran through the white-tiled halls to the nurse service counter.

“Where’s May Maple?” He asked, gasping for breath.

“Third door to your left, going that way.” The blonde-haired nurse answered, smiling.

Wally nodded in acknowledgement and went the direction the nurse had pointed- right. He counted the doors until he came to May’s. He opened the door a crack and slipped in, shutting the door behind him.

“May?” Wally whispered. A pale face turned towards him.
“Wally?” Answered a soft voice, riddled with emotions. Wally stepped closer, and got a good look at the damage the ice attack from the Lapras had caused the girl.

“Oh, May… What did they do to you?” He asked, gripping the brown-haired trainer’s hand.

“Wally- please… can we not talk about that? It’s such a painful memory…” May whispered, a tear rolling down her face.

“OK.” Wally told her, then, not knowing what pushed him to say it, he continued, “Let’s talk about us.”

Wally mentally slapped himself. What had made him say that?

“Wally- you- you feel the same way?” May asked in hushed tones. Before she could continue, Wally bent his head and kissed her, his lips dry and scratchy against hers.

“Is that the right answer?” He answered softly, pulling away.

* * *​

Brendan saw it all from the doorway.

“Damn.” He hissed, “Too late…” Wally turned around, and upon seeing Brendan, snarled, “What, is she your girlfriend or something? According to May, she’s a free lady.”

May looked startled. “Yo- you like me, Brendan?” She said, eyes wide.

“No, God damn it, I don’t like you! Hell, I think I’m in love with you!” Brendan practically yelled.

Just as Brendan said that, May fainted in shock.

 

[Rufinito18]

you shouldnt quintuple or sixuple post you know?
Anyhow, its a not bad fic, but its annoying that the whole thread is you spamming

 

[~!Mudkip Kitteh!~]

What the heck?? Thanks for saying it's not a bad fic, I tried my best on this, but I don't get what you're saying about that quintuple and sixuple posting. Sorry, it's just I'm not that smart, some things like that I don't know.