Cold Fury (a poem)

[anime_hunter]

This is probably my favorite poem i've written.


Cold fury is all I see in your eyes,

Nothing but pure hatred for our world.

You stare at me, and my soul burns to nothing.

You are but a shell of a human being.

You...Are...Me.


feel free to say what you honestly think of it.

 

[katiekitten]

Short, but sweet. I like it.

 

[anime_hunter]

yeah... most of mine are, but i like them!

 

[Flaming Lip]

Eh.. Profound much?

Its kinda short, but its okay...

Soul burning into nothing? Eh... Not to fond of that. It isn't a very pretty thought, first off, and seems a bit.. er... too depressed. The last line just seemed forced.

Infact, the whole bit about soul burning into nothing is a bit much. If a soul is burning, thats already gets the point across. To nothing doesn't add much, because when something burns, its kinda expected that you would end up with nothing.

You don't need the word 'but' in the 4th line.

6/10

Also, you don't need the word 'pure' in the 2nd line. Its a bit clichéd and is not necesesary as 'hatred' is already a strong word.

 

[anime_hunter]

Well, that's kinda the point. That it's depressing, i mean. Still, thank you

 

[Flaming Lip]

I understand that, but, it seems as if you are trying very hard to seem as profound as possible, and by doing that you are forceing out more than what is needed.

 

[anime_hunter]

thank you for your opinion, Byzantium. BTW, any advice for better poetry?

 

[Flaming Lip]

That I can't say, other than cutting down on unneccesary words and making sure you make no sacrifices for rythm or rhymes.