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Complain about why you're single here

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous Discussion' started by Baba Yaga, Sep 27, 2018.

  1. Holla. I just wanted to make a dating thread so the lot of you can gush about that cutie you're super excited to meet this weekend, or get black out drunk and tell us all why the sex you're attracted to is no damn good.

    I'm just curious. What's dating been like for you? I'm more curious about hearing an answer from people around my age, but your high-school romance is still interesting, heh.

    I'm a 27 year old gay man, and as you can imagine, seeking dates, arranging dates, etc. takes up a lot of my energy these days. I guess you could say that I'm in the "Rush to find someone before I turn 30" panic that's pretty common with folks in their mid to late twenties. Personally, things haven't gone terribly well and I'm kinda jaded. If I'm not stood up or ghosted after the first date, I typically get the "You're so smart, witty, and pleasant to talk to, but I didn't feel any chemistry" which you know, if you've been in the dating world we all know that just means they wouldn't hit it. Which is fair! Haha. Don't get me wrong, I've turned people down for the same reason, but it does get to a point where it becomes pretty discouraging and you question the concept of love itself. Like, do we really fall in love with a person or do we just fall in love with bodies and "real" love or whatever comes afterwards if you're lucky? I feel like you can have everything, and I mean everything - a great wit, a great job, a kind personality and a pretty face but if you don't bring the body to match, you're out of the race.

    For me, dating feels like being one of those exotic birds in a nature documentary narrated by David Attenborough, where the male goes collecting all the shiny bobbits of the forest floor and amasses them in varying shades and colors to impress the onlooking female. The female, unimpressed, dips out, leaving the male to start his project aaaaaall over again.

    Anyways, yeah, spill it kids.
  2. Auraninja

    Auraninja I'm ready to Smash


    Well, I'm 30, and I have been diagnosed with autism through most of my life.

    I find it to be awkward if I just asked someone to just hang out with me, let alone a date.

    But perhaps the most damning problem I have is my perception of the problem itself.

    I feel like one of those people that hope nobody is too picky about, but I feel like I would be picky about the person I want to eventually marry.

    Also, I don't want kids.
  3. Kutie Pie

    Kutie Pie "It is my destiny."

    Making a prediction this is going to turn into an incel thread very fast.
  4. Thanks for your contribution, Kutie Pie. ^_^

    Edit: I don't think the sarcasm was enough to express my general levels of saltiness towards that **** post. Misc. is a dead forum and you'd rather play forum pundit and predict how a topic will go then help steer its direction. That's lame. You're lame. >:/

    Aurinja, how do you even approach dating, then? Just stick to online stuff or? I feel like everyone is just doing that now. Every person I know has had an OkCupid at some point or another.
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2018
    GrizzlyB likes this.
  5. Kutie Pie

    Kutie Pie "It is my destiny."

    And that's why I'm still single. :D
  6. Auraninja

    Auraninja I'm ready to Smash

    The easy answer is that I don't.

    Fun fact: My sister met her match at an anime convention. They are getting married next month. I almost wish I could do the same (or try to), but I don't know how to do that without looking awkward.

    Like, I know the things you obviously shouldn't do, but how do I come across as someone who legitimately wants to meet people and talk about things. Oh wait....

    Maybe, I should just.... talk about things.
  7. PrinceOfFacade

    PrinceOfFacade Ghost-Type Master

    This thread seems potentially toxic, from the inside out.

    Nothing good can ever come from 'complaining' about the reasons one is single. More often than not, those that do have a great deal of inner pain that needs sorting out, and filling that void with constant adverse banter with like-minded individuals is likely to only widen it.

    Being single is nothing to be ashamed of, or stressed about. Sure, [almost] no one wants to live and die alone, but a significant other shouldn't be the only outcome to that issue. Before having even the greatest mate, close friends and family are usually there first. If they are not enough for you to not feel alone, then you have bigger problems than being single, possibly chronic depression (but of course, it is always best to seek professional counsel).

    I'm not saying it's not normal to have a gripe or two about how being single can suck; of course it can. But to dedicate a forum to the pains of it all, especially without any implication of problem solving, seems like a step in the wrong direction.
    satopi and lolipiece like this.
  8. Scammel

    Scammel Well-Known Member

    Ha, this seems good fun!

    Hm, I'm pretty financially secure, probably the most fit I've been at almost any prior point in my life (a BMI of 23.7 compared to an all-time high of 31) and I'm informed - by members on this site, no less - that I'm relatively good-looking. A combination of confidence and experience is probably the issue; I strongly adhered to the stereotype of a fat, nerdy, socially-awkward child growing up, and attending an all-boys school didn't help build skills with members of the opposite sex. It took three years of university and a tough internship to bring it back to a base level, so to speak, and my interests still don't lead to many crossed paths with women.

    There's probably also a cultural thing. My family background and nationality places an emphasis on politeness and self-denial to the point where expressing romantic interest seems awfully forward.

    Still, I'm improving. Working on my appearance has paid off and there's nothing more gratifying than seeing a girl blush after briefly locking eyes. I can hold a conversation without punctuating it with crass jokes - the whole flirting thing is still tantalisingly out of reach, though. There's still something dangerous and disrespectful in expressing attraction, if that makes sense?

    Oh, and edit: Online dating is hard. I get matches, I start conversations, they can last for a few days, then... nothing. Again, I think the problem is the default polite chit-chat and jokes. It takes huge reserves of willpower for me to say anything that could be contrived as even slightly risqué.
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2018
  9. Okay, here's my gripe with this. Virtually any topic has the potential to turn out toxic or devolve into a spam fest. The general chat threat for example is by far the most popular topic, running for over several years, but it's been closed and remade several times because things ended up very badly. It is not lost on me that this topic can be swarmed by bitter, lonely people who are sexually frustrated and full of rage, who will make disturbing posts. However, your post, and Kutie pie's, prophecy disaster before it even happens and that's not fair to me or to anyone else that would want to post here to talk about their positive experiences or vent their negative experiences in a healthy way.

    Further more, saying that nothing good can ever come out of "complaining" is one of those conventionally wise things that we're always told but is actually bullshit. Airing out your grievances whether it be about your boss, your family, or struggles in your romantic life can be cathartic and serve as a reminder that you're not alone. The topic, if you read the entire post, isn't entirely dedicated to "complaining" rather the title was more for humor than anything else. I clearly asked to hear about the generalized dating experiences of others whether they be positive or negative.

    Now, please stop shitting on my topic, contribute to it, or get the **** out. Preaching doesn't suffice as contribution, by the way.

    This isn't difficult.

    Ah, I can relate to this. I've been hard at work on my own appearance for the past year or so. I've managed to lose over 60 pounds. I stand at 6'1" and have slimmed down to 135 pounds from 200. While I'm relatively thin, I still have a bit of baggage that comes from being bigger. I can go back to my first post for a moment, even after all that weight loss it feels somewhat bittersweet. A lot more people talk to me now that I've lost all the weight and put on some muscle, which I appreciate, but that makes me feel like none of my interactions with people I'm interested in are real or genuine and that the halo effect is working it's illusory magic. How do people who are physically fit stay secure in their relationships? Do you ever worry that your significant other might leave you if you hit a low point and gain weight? That's where I'm at, right now.

    I've never had much of an issue with flirting, but I've always been subtle and very polite about it. I can see why it has connotations of rudeness, because I feel like when most people attempt to flirt it just comes off as blunt force sexual thirst. I am highly suspicious of winky faces and monkey emojis and that cover their eyes.
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2018
    GrizzlyB likes this.
  10. Can I post in here despite not being single? Just about past stuff? If not I'll just delete my post afterwards.

    First a summary of myself. I'm male, 26 years old, a bit overweight but nothing near obese. I've got a pretty well paying job, been working as a nurse for the past 2,5 years.

    Anyways, I've always found the concept of dating utterly strange, to just hang out with a random stranger to see if you get along and if you two could have a relationship or not. I've never actually done random hookups or online dating because I really can't fall for someone I don't or barely know. Sure I can find someone attractive that I don't really know but I really can't see them as dating material.

    I seem to only be able to fall for someone if I already know them pretty well, so that means I have to be friends with them for quite some time. But the fact that I have quite some close female friends I just have good friendships with made me pretty dense to the signs someone gives off if they like me since I usually interpret it as them wanting to be friends.

    I am currently in a relationship however, but I know I've been super lucky to have met someone who's so compatible to me. She started working at the same department in the hospital as me as an ergo therapist and we started talking just as colleagues, but figured out we're both huge geeks, both love anime, series and games, both go to cons, etc. So we just started hanging out as friends first until she really made it clear after a few months that she wanted something more.

    But yeah, TL;DR, I never got the dating thing and wouldn't be able to actually do it, purely because I can't get feelings for someone I barely know and find it strange/uncomfortable to just hang out with someone to see if those feelings come on their own.
    Baba Yaga likes this.
  11. Of course. As long as it's tangentially related, I don't see any reason to put up a fuss. I've always wanted to to start out as being friends with someone and have something romantic organically develop without any concerted effort on either of our parts to *make* things work. I'm a bit envious of you there. It seems like something that would be really scary, though. When you ask someone out online or at a bar, rejection is pretty easy to deal with because you don't know that person and they don't know you. You shrug it off and keep on truck'n. If they agree to a date, there's typically no guessing games about whether they're physically attracted to you. Exploring a crush on a friend, though, that sounds nerve wracking. You have all sorts of things to worry about, like judging which cues they give were just friendly and which indicated interest, or the possibility that if you made your feelings known things would get "weird"

    I'm really happy to hear that you've been lucky in love, though! Luckier still that she enjoys all the geeky things you do. I tell boys straight up that if we can't cuddle and play video games and watch anime, it's just not gonna work out.
    Minedreigon likes this.
  12. Minedreigon

    Minedreigon We are the Swarm

    Believe it or not I really think it can actually work in reverse sometimes.

    I’m not single anymore, that’s a recent change, but I can say that whenever I’ve liked someone it’s been personality first. Maybe I’m just weird, but that’s really how it’s been. I don’t really think about what people look like much at all, so it’s not much of a surprise this happens, but I thought you might like to hear this to reassure you that there definitely are people there that are going to fall for people initially for something other than their appearance.

    There is a known phenomenon where if you’re in any way attracted to someone, you perceive their appearance as more attractive too psychologically, so that’s what I mean by the reverse can be true too. I think both outcomes you described can happen. I don’t think they’re necessarily equally likely, but I think they’re both possible.
    Baba Yaga likes this.
  13. Grey Wind

    Grey Wind Only rescues maidens

    Being gay kind of sucks, because the city I live in is pretty small and that means that there's pretty much no chance to meet people outside of grindr and tinder. And grindr is a shithole. I've also lived here for almost 4 years, so at this point I feel like I at least recognise everyone on those apps, and if I don't then I've slept with their ex or their roommate or something. Such a limited pool of people makes actually dating a pain.

    My current sitch is kind of annoying. I started snapping this guy like mid/late August, and because of various circumstances we didn't get to meet up until around 2 weeks ago. The date was fun and he was nice, but since then it's been impossible to get him to meet again. Normally I'd take that as a hint and drop him, but he comes on super strongly otherwise so I don't really know what's up with him. Since actually meeting someone normal is such a pain in the first place I want to give him a chance, but at this point I'm getting tired of what's basically a glorified snapchat friend. Sigh.
  14. Madame Chocobo

    Madame Chocobo PokéDrawer

    I'm a pretty awkward person myself and extremely shy. I don't know how to start or extend conversations(my fault tbh) , I really am not into a lot of stuff people in my college are and that's alright. There's pretty a lot of nice people around. I've been suggested using dating apps like Tinder or mingle or whatever, but I'm really scared on how people see me. I'm not very well groomed myself.(again that's my fault).

    But , I have friends and still hope one day I will find a guy that likes me. :)
  15. Kutie Pie

    Kutie Pie "It is my destiny."

    Finally another single lady. Was getting to be a sausage fest in here.

    We should all share our favorite love songs. I'll start with a few right off the top of my head.

  16. Oh man. This is pretty much my exact scenario! I live in a small college town that's pretty desolate until everyone starts going back to school again, and even at that, activity is small. It's weird having Grindr and seeing all the same handful of twenty or so people. What's especially hilarious though, is when you're out with a friend and you recognize someone that sent you a picture of their dick. I shoot a quick glance and I'm asked "You know that guy?" and I just say "Nope. Not at all. But I can tell you what his penis looks like!" Lol.

    I would say keep your snapchat romance even if he is somewhat inconsistent. Since I'm fairly used to flakey guys who just drop off the face of the planet, the best way to deal with it is just not to expect anything. I'm talking to someone right now who acts pretty head over heels about me. It's been three days and he already calls me stuff like "babe" but you know, he's cute and a sweetie so I roll with it. Instead of being hopeful about any future developments, I just take it as a purely in the moment thing and soak up the attention. If he disappears, cool. I thought he would anyway and I still got something out of it.

    Ha, small comforts. I guess it's all about varying degrees. I'm not looking for someone who doesn't care at all about appearance. I think most of us would prefer someone who finds us pleasant to look at. You don't exactly feel sexy if your lover would just as easily get swept up by you as some nasty looking tweaker fellow with bad acne. I guess the concept I'm advocating for here is wiggle room.
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2018
    Minedreigon likes this.
  17. Bolt the Cat

    Bolt the Cat Bringing the Thunder

    I'm mainly just single because I'm broke and anti-social. Okay, that's somewhat of an exaggeration, but I do have some rather niche interests that I want a prospective partner to share and those interests cost money so... yeah.
  18. Sceptrigon

    Sceptrigon Armored Guardian

    Money is a pretty big factor in terms of finding a life partner. Also, I feel that there are quite a lot of other different things that would keep me from being truly interested in someone like their familial background, what experiences they had growing up (serious effects on their psychological state), and medical history. I wish I wouldn’t have to think a lot about these things since it wouldn’t seem fair to others, but growing up these practical considerations have been ingrained on my mind (due to both observations of other families and what my parents told me). Even in my own family, there appears to be quite some conflicts between my dad and members of my mother’s side of the family. Despite familial issues, I suppose it’s just important to look at the individual that you are interested in and see how much his/her beliefs coincide with yours, for the most part. Then together, you can hopefully work issues out.

    Ultimately I would like to settle for a guy who is generally responsible in the things that he does and truly cares about me. But then, I’m only in my early 20’s in college and still working towards a career, so the thought of seriously finding someone hasn’t come up to me yet. At this point though, I’m actually thinking that I wouldn’t mind being single for the rest of my life if I don’t find someone ha ha.
  19. Bolt the Cat

    Bolt the Cat Bringing the Thunder

    Yeah, that's pretty much the only thing I'm really worried about with relationships as a guy, the pressure to be the provider, the breadwinner in the relationship. I can barely even take care of myself and when things are becoming less and less affordable (especially housing. Housing is really ridiculous right now), having a girlfriend in the picture that I would have to take care of as well would be even rougher.

    I'm not sure I would go as far as you in expecting similar backgrounds, but similar values should definitely be important as well. The biggest thing for me is that I need someone I can enjoy spending time with which is why I'm looking more towards hobbies, but similar values also helps with that as well since if you don't agree on things, it's going to be harder to get along with them.
  20. In regards to money, it matters but at the same time it doesn't. It's all really situational. I could date someone who was broke, but I would have to see evidence of motivation to secure a sustained income and secondly, I would probe around a bit and try to get a feel for whether being broke and unemployed was a consistent theme for them. I know what it's like to not have money and feel like you're being overlooked because of that. The way I see it, someone's financial situation is pretty irrelevant to me unless we're struggling. If I can barely afford to put groceries on the table, you best damn well be looking for something better than your minimum wage job. If I have a sweet job that's more than enough for both of us, I honestly don't care if they work or have money, as long as they have some hobbies.

    This is loosely related, but what I really hate is when people expect a college education as a pre-requisite to dating them. Stomaching classism has been a common trope in my dating experience.

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