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Contaminated Freedom (Oneshot - R)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Burnt Flower, Dec 4, 2005.

  1. Burnt Flower

    Burnt Flower Horror Mistress

    Author’s Notes: Wow, I actually wrote another one-shot! And it’s my first fic that’s written in first-person POV. :O

    …Yeah, it’s going to suck. :p

    Rated R and this is a horror one-shot as usual. Lots of gruesome bloody scenes in this one and a very dark premise. You’ve been warned. Also take in mind that the views of my character DO NOT reflect my own.

    Disclaimer: Pokemon will never be mine.

    Contaminated Freedom​

    I’ve loved raw meat since as long as I can remember.

    Though I don’t know exactly when I started liking the taste of regular, insipid meat, I can still envision with startling clarity the first red, uncooked steak I’ve ever laid my eyes upon. My mother was preparing a fancy dinner that she usually did on Saturdays; she said it was to bring the whole family together, though I knew for a fact that it was just to show off her expensive porcelain Pokemon dolls she bought every week with dad’s hard-earned money. I remember wandering aimlessly around the house (I never considered it a home – it was a boring place that had mom’s bad taste oozing from every frilly ribbon-covered corner) in my pink puffy pajamas and fluffy slippers and decided to have a quick midday snack since I had nothing better to do.

    I almost always avoided the kitchen, a dazzling white room that usually left me blind for several long anguishing seconds if I ever dared to enter, but my boredom and hunger overcame my animosity towards that particular space. I checked the fridge eagerly, but to my disappointment, the only thing left to eat were several opened banana yogurts that looked remarkably similar to freshly squeezed out pus; an unwanted image of my older brother popping his pimples came to my mind, and I slammed the refrigerator door shut in disgust.

    I faintly recall rubbing soothingly my grumbling stomach before I spotted the most magnificent and succulent thing that I would ever taste in my whole worthless life. It was on the kitchen counter, lying there next to a large and shiny knife firmly wedged between its bloody side. I went towards it in a trance-like state, a curiosity that completely overwhelmed my rational side. I had held it almost reverently between my two small pale hands, not caring that a thin stream of filthy blood was sliding slickly through my fingers and staining my nightgown. The stained knife clattered to the floor, as I threw it away carelessly, and for the first time in my life, I touched the one important thing that would forever alter my perception of the world that surrounded me. I timidly closed my mouth on the crimson meat and nibbled on one slippery end.

    The first bite was divine.

    Its intoxicating, salty flavor invaded all my senses until my joyful sobs were muffled by the savory mouthful of crude Miltank flesh. Poochie, my loyal pet Poochyena, heard my ecstatic wails and went towards me in alarm. Once he saw me safe and sound, he wagged his tail back and forth like a soothing pendulum and gently rested his head alongside mine.

    He lightly reassured me with his quiet nudges, but I understood those gestures perfectly. It was okay…it was alright… I didn’t have to feel guilty about this newborn, confusing passion I now had. I offered him one large, juicy piece in thanks and we sat in silent camaraderie side-by-side, eating – simply eating, that appetizing pulp in pure happiness.

    I still don’t know what attracted me to it in the first place. Could it have been that lovely shade of dark red that no other thing possessed? Or maybe it was the absolutely delightful deformed feel it had? Still, I am certain these thoughts haven’t crossed my then innocent mind at the time I first touched it – tasted it, and changed who I was for the better. But I knew that I was meant to do this.

    Born to do it.

    I knew at that precise moment that my whole existence suddenly narrowed down to the dripping, bloody steak that I had been worshipping with my mouth.

    Even at that young age, I accepted my fate willingly.


    Unfortunately, there was one idiot who did not acknowledge this.

    My mother found out almost immediately about my new obsession. She called me a freak. A monster. An abhorrent stain on the ancient Fernandez family name. I couldn’t comprehend her angry tears at that time, or why she slapped my precious deity with a furious vengeance that bordered on true madness. Poochie tried to stop her but his loyalty for my mother won him over, even when she yanked the piece of meat he was dining on and threw it violently upon his back. He walked out of the kitchen defeated, tail between his legs, and his gray coarse fur spattered with blood. Looking back on it now, I should’ve done something, anything instead of crying like the disconsolate, deplorable girl I was back then.

    From then on, I was treated like the black sheep – the hideous runt - whose presence should be hidden from the public eye. I was taken out of my elementary school, to forever part with my old childhood friends, and to be locked like a prisoner in my own wretched house. I had to grudgingly learn from a horrible hag of a teacher who taught me useless stuff (like trigonometry – who the hell cared about triangles anyway?) inside the lonely, cold recesses of my room. I think those were one of the bleakest moments of my life, reading countless amounts of dull books that held absolutely no meaning in the dark (since my windows were boarded up) and my apathy overwhelming my other senses until I had nothing else to look forward to each day.

    But the worst part of it all was the strict deprivation of my delicious, forbidden snack. I longed for it – dreamt about its unearthly flavor, until I woke up countless nights tangled up in my bed sheets, howling for my delectable meal. Those despairing days drew on and on until I was just a shivering, incoherent mass that desperately wanted her reason for living back again. Not even poor Poochie could bring me out of this insanity that threatened to consume me.

    I cursed my mother over and over until she became the sole demon of all my misery. I refused to eat anything she or anyone else offered and I considered it as a personal offense when one day she served me a cooked hamburger patty for lunch. I took pride in my haggard and malnourished appearance - it was a clear sign that my mother’s fierce determination to change me was not working at all.

    Of course, my mother noticed it too.

    I’ve always hated doctors. They’re disgusting necrophiliacs that hide under the false premise to help people, but I knew for a fact that they eagerly wait for their patient’s death so they could get their wrinkled hands all over their dead, clammy skin. My mother thought Dr. Robinson could actually help me and put a stop to what she considered, “This demented stage my daughter, Agnes, is going through.” I hated that name: Agnes. My old classmates could never pronounce it correctly and yet my fool of a mother still kept calling me that horrendous name despite all my protests. And to call my lust a ‘demented stage’? I’m surprised I never caused her any physical harm.

    Dr. Robinson, a kind-looking old man who had a bushy white mustache that hid most of his wrinkled, papery face, told me I was in perfect conditions though slightly underfed. He didn’t see anything wrong with me, much to my mother’s great displeasure. He even said to her, “As healthy as a Ponyta.” He expected me to smile – to laugh at his pathetic attempt of a joke, but I merely sneered and turned my back on him.

    This had been the start of my difficult childhood.


    Almost fifteen years have passed since my six-year old self became addicted to the exquisite taste of raw meat.

    As soon as my body turned from a petty, insignificant girl who braided her long black hair with pink string, into an ashen-faced, sallow woman with sunken blue eyes, my mother decided to enroll me in the army. I was perplexed with this arrangement at the time, but after reminiscing here for quite a while, her decision made sense. My mother wanted to get rid of me for years but she was afraid what the public would say if she had done so without preamble. And what more perfect excuse than to say that her daughter was going to war to protect her country?

    I didn’t complain at all; in fact, I actually awaited my departure eagerly. I was tired of only seeing real sunlight through the cracks of the splintered planks of wood that lined my windows or to eat bountiful amounts of tasteless slop that left me even hungrier than before. I only endured this torture thanks to the weekly visits my dear Poochie made to my room, secretly carrying a small piece of appetizing beef inside his muzzle.

    I longed for the freedom that this new path could bring to me. No more restrictions that would bind my soul to earthly expectations, protocols, and regulations. There was just only one sweet, age-old rule in the battlefield: To kill or to be killed.

    This prospect excited me like nothing else did.

    The physical training was monotonous and repetitive, yet quite strenuous for my thin, weak body. The fierce determination was the only thing that kept my spirit going during the daily pushups, sit-ups, and five-mile runs under fifteen minutes I had to do every day. Once I passed all these difficult exams, I was sent to a little camp in the middle of nowhere.

    That was when I met Jake.

    Jake was a tall, burly guy with a clean-shaven head and a winning smile that made all the ladies swoon. I wasn’t one of them, but I truly admired him because of his exceptional skills in the battlefield; he was a bit of a legend since he killed enemy soldiers not with his gun, but with an ordinary dagger he carried everywhere. People told me he had a girlfriend named Merle, yet no one divulged more information when I asked. They hardly ever touched or befriended him and looked at his dagger with a wary eye.

    Real meat, as well as fruit, was a rare luxury. We usually ate canned beans and bland vegetables that left a dry taste in my mouth and a deep longing for my darling in my heart. So I was more than elated when a large supply arrived carrying real meat; I stole a part of it when no one was looking. Jake was lazing around, when I grabbed his dagger and cut a large piece of the frozen meat vigorously before dropping the dagger without any other thought. I was thawing my palatable beauty by the open fire when I heard him speak softly.

    You’ve touched Merle.”

    That single phrase made me stop cold and turn my somber eyes upon his amazed countenance. His eyes sparked with what I wrongly deduced as fiery rage but just when I expected him to hit me, he did something even more surprising. He laughed – a deep, throaty sound that made me inwardly cringe but nevertheless I joined him in his funny glee, though my high-pitched laughter sounded more like the frantic cry of a drowning Pokemon. Just like so many years back, I offered my companion a slimy piece, after the hot flames had finally melted all the ice from my glistening treasure.

    He pretended to eat it, but he couldn’t quite hide his repugnance when I boldly placed a thick slice on top of his hands. Despite his barely concealed revulsion, it still made me smile, since for the first time I had the warm relieving feeling that someone understood this ardent craving that invaded my every thought. The only other time I felt this sense of true approbation was when I sat beside Poochie in an intimate companionability that only close friends could share. It was in this harmonious moment that he began to tell me his life.

    His ex-girlfriend, who was also coincidentally named Merle, gave him his precious dagger as a sweet anniversary present for their third week together even though Jake could’ve cared less about her. She had been a joyful woman that smothered him with affection at every possible moment - something that Jake couldn’t stand. Sadly, Merle died some months ago, in a destructive bombing that left hundreds dead, thousands injured, and transformed the whole country into a battered, radioactive wasteland. Jake named his dagger after his deceased girlfriend, though in an ironic twist of fate, he fell in love with it.

    I was the only one who wasn’t bothered by Jake’s loving caresses, the way he softly murmured ‘my lover’ to his silver dagger, or the silent way he kissed the sharp edge until some unnoticeable drops of blood tinged its lovely surface. I don’t know if this was a severe case of misplaced love, nor do I care if it actually wasn’t. All I know is that this mutual understanding of our ghastly reality was identical to one another’s and because of that, a sick, special bond formed between us.

    Other than the true meaning of friendship, there was another important thing I learned in my whole twenty-one years of existence: Freedom comes at a high price. It stained my soul with a grisly, dark blotch that I knew was corrupting my heart. I didn’t exactly care about the people I viciously killed, nor the anguish that caused the loved ones who knew him or her; all of that barely caused me any remorse, on the contrary, I felt indifferent to their pleas when I took their lives away.

    I only felt guilty of the people who I was protecting their freedom for. Sitting there, completely unaware that some unknown person was fighting, killing and saving their despicable hides. How could they live with themselves knowing that their existence was tainted by the blood of thousands? At least I only killed half a dozen guys, and yet they still continue on their lives unaware that almost every death is placed on them? I guess ignorance is bliss.

    I knew my increasing hunger over the sight of rotten, decomposing corpses was not normal, and I controlled myself with every ounce of mental strength I had. It was as clear to me as the bright, resplendent sunlight that penetrated the obscuring smoke that my all-engrossing appetite was subtly evolving and demanding a much different kind of meat than the ones I have previously devoured. I tried to hide the way my tongue would lick my cracked lips every time I looked at the carcasses’ warm blood-splattered, torsos, but I had to dominate these impulses even as I grew more and more ravenous with each and every fucking day.

    It was on one fateful morning that we had the mission to annihilate the enemy troops that were heading to the north. It wasn’t something that preoccupied me but I had no idea that my commander’s off-hand decision would change our lives.

    We traveled on the back of a grimy and battered truck, all huddled up together and joking around nervously, knowing that some of us wouldn’t make it out alive. The truck stopped in one particular desolate place since it’d be too dangerous to continue on, and left us in a barren land that was befouled by the lives the war had taken. We marched cautiously, conscious that one wrong step could be our downfall. The enemy took us by surprise, and soon, Jake and I were separated by a swarm of armed, bloodthirsty enemies.

    He wasn’t able to scream when the bullet hit him directly.

    I was shooting another random woman before I saw him falling gracefully, almost twisting with undeniable elegance as he fell to the grimy floor. I was too far away, even as I ran as fast as I could, to stop her when she arrived.

    The girl, clutching a fried and ripped doll from one small hand, grabbed Merle with astounding agility, and followed a stray Zigzagoon with an almost manic determination shining brightly in her eyes. When I saw her running, I didn’t pay her any attention until I saw her stealing Jake’s unmistakable dagger.

    The nerve, the utter and abominable nerve the girl had to just grab Jake’s one and only treasure. A blinding hatred welled up in my heart and with a scream that almost edged into hysteria, I aimed my trusty black handgun at her. As soon as I had done that, a tremendous force slammed into my back.

    Don’t do it, Fernandez! She’s just a kid!” A guy screamed angrily, while violently holding my arms in a desperate attempt to hold me back from my furious tirade.

    That bitch deserves to die!” I think I had said, as I violently tried to shake off my comrade and point the gun at the retreating back of the treacherous girl. She was gone in a flurry of dust and gun powder, carrying away with her all the failed dreams Jake used to have in his heart. I slumped into a dazed and defeated pile on the floor, whimpering all the while as I crawled toward Jake.

    Ever felt that memories are all blurry and indistinct to one another? Here I am now, looking at my world that has now exploded into millions of dazzling colors now that I’m out of my reminiscing mood. The sweaty and crying men as they weep over their fallen friends…the undeniable mix of fear and death that would be forever etched on the decomposing dead…I watch all of this with a tear-streaked, smiling face. There’s nothing like living in the moment and truly experiencing the events that are transpiring now, even if you don’t want to recall them later on in life.

    Cuddling up against the cold, muddied cadaver of the one who used to be my confidant and my best friend, is something I never wish to remember, but yet…I’m happy. I continue to look up at the fighting and knowing that hugging him, that staying with my friend in these drastic circumstances is a limited, precious time. The enemy will soon find us.

    As I stared down at my beloved with glazed eyes, I made one decision; I wanted a little small part of Jake to be a part of me forever - to know that no matter what happened next, we would be joined together for all eternity. And… I couldn’t stand my mind-bending hunger anymore.

    I succumbed to my desires.

    I ripped his camouflage green shirt with avaricious and desirous hands, like a child desperate for a long awaited treat. I gladly sunk my teeth into the deep, purple wound, drawing the scarlet blood out with eager laps of my quick tongue. I knew Poochie would be proud of me and wouldn’t look down on my actions if he were here. I grin knowingly, imagining my Pokemon friend’s reaction as he surveyed me with sparkling, proud eyes as I tear a layer after layer of juicy muscle.

    I never particularly cared for humanity, though I had protected them with everything I had and risked my life for their safety. Jake was an exception; his heart had been filled with boundless goodness, kindness and a surprising generosity that was not the norm among us disgusting and greedy humans. I know this with every part of my war-torn soul.

    After all…

    His heart was the last thing I tasted.


    This is an alternate universe to my first one-shot 'A Life's Worth' and 'Within One's Reach' (which was a prequel of sorts to ALW).

    Yeah, yeah...I know what you're thinking...

    *wears anti-flame suit*
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2005
  2. xXSaberXx

    xXSaberXx xxxXsightless

    ROFLAMO. Dear, this isn't flame material. TAKE THAT SUIT OFF! x333333

    No, seriously. This was a beautiful story. Beautiful, stunning, captivating, and sad. Perhaps she was a Poochyena, or a Mightyena in some past life. o.o We may never know.

    The thing that captivated me was that you explained and gave back story so much to her craving that at the end, it didn't even cross my mind that it was cannablisim at all. o-o It was so well done that it never even came to me as an option to think about. That, I think, is the mark of a true one-shot-er/horror writer. Making it so worthwhile and justified that it doesn't even come across as horror.

    A mark of a true writer.

    Bravo, Bravo!
  3. FloatingFlames

    FloatingFlames Lovable Narcissist

    Mmm... Deliciously twisted.

    When I read this however, I was like... "Holy crap! This is so similar to my old one-shot"...It was about a Pokemon who finds a craving for blood and eventually murders his friend to get more of it when he can no longer control his desires...

    So when I read this, my reaction was a resounding O_O. Not only because of the similarities, but because of how well it was drawn out, from the style it was written in (<3 First-person, especially when done this well) to the actual content, which made me smile occaisionally (I'm not a sicko! Horror is just so unbelievably cool at times =D).

    Looking back, that nitpicking I was talking about has no place in this review, because thinking about it, it was unjustified to begin with.

    I spotted a few mistakes however...

    Remove the second away, it's superfluous.

    Repitition of words here.

    Other than that, there was nothing that I can point out. Great touches with Jake and the dagger, that was definitely something that could've been left out, but it added greatly to the amazingly creepy atmosphere you already established. You really outdid yourself you know; you were so thorough characterizing Agnes (I hate that name too - no way in hell am I naming my kid that) and her mother's resentment toward her, and I applaud that.

    Congratulations on a fantastic job. This definitely lives up to the reputation you've earned as a horror writer.
  4. IceKing

    IceKing Sexorific!


    That was...pleasant

    You should make it more clear that its meat, its kind of confusing the way you describe it.


    Now THATS some good imagery

    I positively LOVED THIS PASSAGE!

    I'm sorry but doesn't this measure seem just a tad bit drastic? I'd be freaked out if my child was eating raw meat too, but I'd probably just send him to a psychologist rather than locking them up.

    Holy crap thats some good language...this girl really is a freak (are you sure it's not you, :p?)

    Ok, I have a few problems with this. First, I highly doubt they'd allow someone with such bad physical conditions as hers into the army. And its impossible to run five miles in fifteen minutes. The fastest speed for one mile is like 3:19 I believe.

    WHAT DOES COUNTENANCE MEAN? I've heard it so many times...is it like disposition?

    Errm, how many woman give daggers as anniversary presents? I know you would :p

    So she has a flesh obsession and he has a dagger obsession? I loved the way you said how he kissed it till he bled.

    Good theme development

    Nice foreshadowing. And a great example as to where a cuss word works wonderfully

    That paragraph really took me by surprise to see that girl make her return. But it was too random. He gets shot then some little girl runs into the battlefield and steals some guys dagger and runs off? That was just out of nowhere and you need to make that a bit more clear.

    Wow..powerful passaage and again good theme development

    This wasn't nearly as good as your other three one shots, but it was still deliciously good (no pun) and was definetely the most disturbing. Cannibalism and the taste for meat was a rather strange subject to do but you did it pretty well. You really should have put more emphasis on the devouring of the miltank and Jake's flesh, even if it would make a lot of children run to their Mommys. First person was done very well, though there were times I thought the girl was you and got freaked out. I also really liked the portrayal of the relationship between Agnes and her mother, it was really well done and I could see it perfectly. I was wondering though, is the theme of war and freedom based off of your own experiences? I think your style and diction worked very well in conjunction with the theme of war, and I really felt like I was in a war zone, damn that Shuppet guy! But seriously one of the most confusing things was that girl running in, could you please explain that a bit more? Last time I checked, she never even left her home.

    Overall:WONDERFUL job Patty. You pulled off another great horror one shot and painted a very vivid and dark painting in my mind with your wonderful language. I cant wait to see more from you! You still keep your title as my favorite author here.
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2005
  5. Mimori Kiryu

    Mimori Kiryu Well-Known Member

    *nods with Saber* Take off that anti-flame suit off! O_O

    This is awesome. I read it outloud to myself to really get into it and boy did I ever. This was so captivating and inspiring. I loved the details and how you can explain one's life in such a beautiful way. It's amazing how much details and description and truly remarkable writer can fit into a oneshot. This is absolutely amazing, Burnt Flower. You are one awesome writer.

    ~Mimori Kiryu
  6. Elemental Charizam

    Elemental Charizam Sudden Genre Shift

    *burns anti-flame suit* ;P

    That was beatiful. A bit like one of those knotted pieces of wood you find sometimes; a work of art, to be sure, but warped.

    The use of the first person narrative was a good descision, because it's probably the only way to connect you to somebody so different from yourself; giving her version of events as to how she changed. Very stremlined piece as well, every event and character felt like it had a crucial place in the story. Which makes it all the easierfor morbid curiosity to draw you on. You seemed to be able to get into the character suspiciously well ;D

    The end was possibly the best part of all. Amazingly, you managed to pull off canabalism, disgust and affection all in one go. The eating description used conscise but graphical (just the word 'muscle' being eaten is repulsive on its own) language, that didn't underplay the more important emotional leap being taken. In fact, in the earlier scene of devouring the Miltank flesh, you also managed to make a little suggestive language do far more than pages of heavily described gore. I'm assuming she was shot at the end though, right?

    The only thing that wasn't clear was wether she hit the girl or not. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but it is a little confusing. Oh, andthe below sentence was a bit awkward too, in retrospect:

    The only error type things I can see in the whole one-shot.

    I feel like there's something else I should say, but I can't quite see what. Compared to your other one shots... well, its hard to judge them against each other, but I think this might just be my favourite. Well worth the wait in any case. Keep up the good work Patricia!
  7. Burnt Flower

    Burnt Flower Horror Mistress

    I had the worst stomach ache last night, so I wasn't able to respond earlier. X_x

    xXSaberXx: This was the most unexpected review I received! :D

    You know, if I'd thought that, I might've inserted it into the story. Incredibly interesting theory. ^^

    Yeah, I had cannibalism in mind almost all along, but I really and truly enjoyed giving some backstory to Agnes and why she devoured her best friend. I'm happy I managed to pull it off, and it was really difficult at first since I had no experience with writing first person POV. X-x

    I'm truly honored you reviewed!!!!!!! ^_^

    *bows* =)

    FloatingFlames: When I first read your review, my reaction was: NO NO NOOOOOO WHAT HAVE I DONE?! ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *dies in a pool of blood* ...And that still is my reaction. :p I need to read your old story - NOW! But I assure and swear to you that the only one-shot I read from you was: 'There Once Were Two Green Eyes'. I'll review 'Monster' so you can forgive me. T_T Oh, and thanks for pointing out those mistakes, I'll correct them later on. ;3

    Something that I find interesting is that Agnes and Jake would've fallen in love with each other, if they had been less insane and if they weren't in love with inanimate objects (meat and dagger respectively).

    *gives him all her salsa collection* ;_;

    Thanks for reviewing, though. ^_~

    IceKing: Feniiiiiiiiiit! *glomps*

    Dang, you caught me Fenit! :O And I was trying to hide my meat obsession soooo well. XD

    Hmm...I actually looked at some pages dedicated to army training and it said '16:54', but I guess I can lengthen the time. :3

    The appearance conveyed by a person's face. ;)

    *gives Fenit a dagger* xD

    Heh, I knew someone would recognize her. ;D Here's an actual qoute to that scene from 'A Life's Worth':
    She walked to the direction she thought the doll was referring to. A man, wearing a green uniform, was covered in dark mud and blood, but what caught Michelle’s attention was the shiny metal beside him. She grasped it with trembling fingers, and didn’t like its rusted red surface.

    Yeah, I'm aware I changed that scene in this story so it'd be alot more fast-paced, but Michelle did indeed grasp a soldier's - Jake's - dagger in the original story.

    ...*shoots herself*

    Will I ever get out of the shadow of those crappy one-shots?! ;-;

    Yeah that was the original plan, but I have no idea why I didn't add more to those scenes. Maybe I will later on. >=)

    Kind of. Bolivia is an extremely problematic country that has road blocks, and severe social problems that almost edged into a civil war but I was never in a real war. I hope I never experience that.

    Heh, hope I can mantain my title for the next horror one-shot. *laughs nervously* ^^;; THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING, FENIT!!!!! =D

    Mimori Kiryu: *sheepishly takes off only one part of anti-flame suit* You can never be too safe. ;)

    Another unexpected reviewer!!!

    Yeah, I'm staring to get fond of first person POV though it's much harder to write. I really tried to get into Agnes's mind and how she viewed the world around her - during her childhood and during her adult years in the army. It was a really bizarre and a bit disturbing experience but it still paid off well in the end IMO. I think this is my only-oneshot that doesn't suck 100% XP

    Thank you Mimori for reviewing! :D

    Elemental Charizam: HAAAAAAHA! You'll never be able to burn it! >=D

    ECCCCCCC!!!!!! =D Yay yay yay, I liked this review!

    I thought I was making the craziest descision of my life by writing first person POV, but I kinda liked it since I could get even deeper into a character's mind. =)

    *chews on her own finger* Whatever do you mean, EC? =O XD

    This is the one line that made me feel truly happy, because I tried so hard to convey all that. There were times I was pulling my hair, biting my computer screen, but it was worth it if people enjoyed it. :)

    Okay, shall fix it up. ;)

    She didn't hit Michelle, since Michelle was still okay when she followed the Zigzagoon in the original version. Heh, maybe I should've taken her out, though her whole purpose was extremely important. ^.^;;;;;

    Yup, though I don't if this will make people feel bad for her or cheer. :p The funny thing is that the original ending was completely different and I changed it because it didn't bring any kind of resolution. I mean, Agnes didn't even eat Jake. o.o;;

    WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO Someone enjoys this one-shot better than that old, icky crap! :D


    Thank you so much for the reviewww!!

    *gives Miltank flesh* XD

    Interesting tidbit: This is yet another one-shot based on the completely twisted personality of one of my classmates, and this time, it's my friend Agnes.

    ...Who's a vegetarian. XD
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2005
  8. Chibi Pika

    Chibi Pika Stay positive

    OOOH, I bet I can burn the flame suit!!!!! 8D *Brings Firestorm into room and lets him wreak havok.*
    Silverwing;249;: Chibi!!! You burned the one-shot!!!
    GAH, I can fix it!!!!
    Firestorm;006;: *Sweatdrop* Maybe I should leave. *Runs back over to LC.*


    *Cough.* Yeh...aaaaanyywho. When I first started reading this it reminded me of this time when I was hungry and there was a big plate of leftover ham, and so I ate it, thinking to myself that it was a whole heck of a lot better than the ham we'd had for dinner. Later I figured otu that it was raw ham XP

    Yeah...and that was irrelevant...on to the review!!!

    Me likey, me likey very much. ^^ I dunno if I like it better than your other three, but...mega-cookie for writing in first-person!!! First person = ownage!!!!
    Silverwing;249;: Gee, I wonder why you think that...maybe because every single thing you've ever written is in first???
    >> Ignoring.
    Anyways, I love how you got that insight into the main character's mind. I think the Miltank scene in the beginning was fleshed out well enough (pun not intended ><) as well as the ending. Even though I've already read A life's Worth, I had to reread the scene where Michelle ran in to make sense of it since it's faster this time around. But it's all good--I love the language use and the incredibly vivid imagery. And as I said before, <3 the first person ^^

    Now if only I could figure how to get my newest one-shot off my crap laptop...*grumbles*

    *Pulls out stamp* This thread hath been Chibified!

    Last edited: Dec 4, 2005
  9. Burnt Flower

    Burnt Flower Horror Mistress


    I appreciate the review very much!!!!!! *dances* :D

    I once ate a rotten ham and got extremely sick...don't worry, I also go off-topic too. XP

    I think it was a good idea to write this in first person POV since it wouldn't have come off too good if I had written in my usual, third person POV. :3

    Damn, everyone got confused by that scene. @_@;; I think it was a bad idea to give her a cameo though it was pretty important. :p

    I'm so glllllaaaaaaad that people liked this story though some people think it isn't better than those three other one-shots that haunt me with their lameness. o.o;;

    Thanks for reviewing Chibi...you too Silverwing. ;D
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2005
  10. Sike Saner

    Sike Saner *aromatisse noise*

    Alas, alas, alas...All of the prior reviewers have basically said nearly all of what I could say about this...

    Whatever. I will say that this is my favorite of your written works; your best, too, IMO. I also daresay that you pull off first-person even better than third-person. Make a habit out of using the first-person perspective and I will smile.

    Ugh, raw meat...Hate it, hate it, hate it. Hate being anywhere near it, which is part of why I'm rather useless in the kitchen. (That, and the fact that I basically just suck at cooking.) So, yeah, that provided a lot of really strong, squirmworthy imagery for me. Fun stuff. ^_^

    My favorite highlight:

    "Worshipping with my mouth"...*smiles diabolically* Mmm...inspiring. That's the sort of thing that gives me the kind of ideas I can take to the shadows, if you know what I mean. ;)

    This is a succulently sanguinary new apex for you. Kudos. *gives a blue scale as a token of deepest appreciation*
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2005
  11. billy5772

    billy5772 SENIOR

    Whoa. BF, this is your best one-shot in my opinion. I like how applicable this is to real-life. A lot of us here are teenagers who will have to think soon about what we want to do with our lives (i.e. where to go to college, what kind of career to pursue, etc). This fic explores the possibility that when you find out who you are/what your purpose/fate is, it will be shunned. Your character goes through a couple of interesting stages, too. At first she herself regards her longing for uncooked meat as “insanity”, but even within a paragraph becomes proud and confident about who she is.

    In a way, you’re saying “be who you are”, but then, also, some ambiguity exists in your message as well, which is cool. It’s like, for a second, “who’s right?” It’s cool for the girl to be proud of who she is, but is who she is justified and right just…because? Eating raw meat is her choice, her passion and she should be allowed to pursue it. But on the other hand, eating raw meat is dangerously unhealthy. So, are you also saying that to be who you are is not a way to justify dangerous/non-beneficial actions? And that people who are who they are no matter how wrong they are are enjoying some sort of “contaminated freedom”???

    Okay, I’m typing this as I’m reading, but my foreshadowing alert just went off after this line:

    It’s almost like Jake is the antecedent to “real meat”, like he’s gonna be her next victim. Like she’s gonna become a cannibal? What’s gonna happen?

    *continues reading*

    or is jake just another Poochie?...

    “obliviously unaware” was kinda redundant. And Jake and that dagger got a thing goin’ on, huh? That’s weird.

    Is this the “contaminated freedom” as well?

    Was I right, or was I right?

    Maybe I’ll be 2 for 2. Is Jake going to die and then get eaten by the narrator?

    “fellow comrade” is a bit redundant.

    I knew it! 3 for 3.

    hmmmm....so she ended up eating the epitome of everything the humans in her life had lacked. I don't know exactly what the sig is in that.

    Anyway, AWESOMEST BF ONE-SHOT EVER. Horror Mistress is an understatement. And first time doing first person?!
  12. SnoringFrog

    SnoringFrog I kill my characters

    SICK! Absolutely revolting, Burnt Flower! This must be the most terrible thing I've ever read, yet I loved it.

    Alright, I caught the reference to "A Life's Worth" quite easily. But how is this connected to "Within one's Reach"? I went back and skimmed through it to refresh my memory of what it was, but I'm still not quite sure. Could you clear this up for me please?

    Anyways, great work, BF. I love your horror. This, IMO, is your best one-shot that I've read. Although it was hard to choose between this and "A Life's Worth."
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2005
  13. Typhlogirl

    Typhlogirl keep battling on!

    Oh yummy.

    Where do you think of this BF? It's so deliciously horrific...now I have a craving for meat...I've always liked my meat rather raw...XD

    Worshipping with my mouth...sounds rather erotic...*shot*

    The imagery there was quite fantastic, I could visualise this little girl holding a steak in her arms, letting the juices flow onto her clothes...brilliance...my favourite part of the story...

    Me too actually...though I do feel rather sorry for her mother...it would be hard...

    The title was quite nice. I like any story that has to do with freedom. Though I couldn't really link it with the one-shot in general...but that's probably just me. :)

    The fact that the character of Agnes was based on your vegetarian friend made me LOL, for obvious reasons. Honestly XD.

    I also respect the theme you have here of finding yourself...finding who you really are...the feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction you would recieve would be amazing...I say 'would' because I'm yet to find it. But I liked how this story seemed to represent the hardship on has to go through to find themselves.

    All in all, a truly wonderful one-shot. I found everything to my liking, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

    Good job! ^_~

  14. mindripper

    mindripper Guest

    First, we start with the tiny mistakes, before moving onto the good stuff.

    Erm, I think you meant "hard-earned" or a similar derivative?

    Personal peeve, but would "I slammed the refrigerator door shut in disgust" work better? It is like you do not say "I switched off the lights", but rather "I switched the lights off". The apostrophe is also not needed.

    Ok, I am going to stop with the nitpicking, because I cannot concentrate otherwise.

    Yeah, I used to dislike trig as well, although 3-d trig was one of the easier topics as compared to the applications of differentiation and integration. Sigh.

    You know, I liked the imagery used in this particular work. Not too sure about the rest of your one-shots. but this one deserves credit on its own. From teenage rebellion to cannibalistic desires, issues abound everywhere. Did you know that cannibalism is rumoured to have been the cause of the HIV virus? I was surprised that your character's comrades did nothing to stop her from carving up Jake's body but let that take nothing away.

    Good work.
  15. Burnt Flower

    Burnt Flower Horror Mistress

    Yay! More reviews! *dances around*

    Sike Saner:
    I'm glad that more people think this is my best one-shot. =D

    I do? That's great praise considering this was my first try. I'll use first-person perspective in later one-shots, but I'll continue with my usual third-person POV in others.

    I sometimes help my mother in the kitchen, but I don't like to cook that much. ^^;; I held raw meat in my hands to feel its weight and texture to be more accurate in my descriptions but I did not taste it if some people think I did. O.O

    I know exactly what you mean. *winks back* ;)

    *gives an eyeball medal for leaving such a nice review*

    Thanks for reviewing Sike! :D

    billy5772: This has got to be the most original review I received. Really. I mean reviewing while reading? This is some good stuff. :3

    This is also a very in-depth review since you explored some of the themes I tried to portray to my readers/reviewers/etc. I tried to incorporate many different messages as possible, and that your future can be shunned from society is one of them. Another of those messages in this one-shot is that friendship is important to everyone - even to the people you think are sick and disturbed. I think there is neither a right nor a wrong answer, so 'be who you are' is sometimes hard since society will think you're a freak depending on what kind of personality you have.

    *claps* Wow, you're extremely observative! =)

    Yup, you have a good eye.

    Okay, I shall change them in a bit.


    This has got to be one of the best reviews I received. Thanks billy!

    *laughs evilly* I'm glad you think that way. ;)

    Okay, I'll explain this better since some people are a bit confused about my whole one-shot connection. This one-shot is in the same universe as 'A Life's Worth' but it's through the eyes of a soldier, in other words, Agnes. I wrote 'Within One's Reach' since some people were confused about how the whole war started in the one-shot 'A Life's Worth'. It was like a vague prequel to it. The Shuppet guy, Oliver, was behind the whole war thing and kills Michelle's - the girl from 'A Life's Worth - mother. Hope that clears things up. :)

    Woohoo! More people that think this one-shot is my best one. 8D Eek - Actually, I think 'ALW' was my worst one-shot. ^^;


    *gives a cooked steak*

    Typhlogirl: I was chuckling throughout your whole review. :p

    LMAO. XD

    Really? The mother was actually the character I disliked the most. XP

    Hehehe, yeah, but if she ever finds out about this, I'm dead meat.... o.o;

    I'm glad more people are getting what I tried to get across. It was a bit hard at times, but I really enjoyed writing this and actually looking through the eyes of Agnes when I wrote this.

    Thank you for reviewing!! ^_~

    Heh, thanks for picking up on that mistake. *goes to correct it*

    I was also a bit iffy with that line too but decided to leave it as it is. I'll go change it in a moment.

    Yeah, I know what you mean. I was gonna give more details about their reactions but I thought it'd take too much attention away from that scene.

    Thanks for reviewing!
  16. Kiyohime

    Kiyohime Well-Known Member






    I LOVED IT!!!

    *falls to knees* and you say you're not as good as me. I beg to differ, Burnt Flower-- your works surpass my own. Just ask Iceking! XD

    I truly thought this was your best work yet, because the description of emotions you conveyed was nothing short of incredible.

    You have a way of making things seem almost normal, as though her craving for raw meat could have been justified, and I love that. You can just capture the thoughts in her head so well, you find yourselfsupporting the girl's cravings.

    Bravo, I say. Bravo!
  17. SnoringFrog

    SnoringFrog I kill my characters

    Okay, that's what I thought, but I wasn't that sure about it. Thanks for clearing that up for me.
  18. Burnt Flower

    Burnt Flower Horror Mistress

    Scrap: Don't be so modest, Scrap! You know deep-down your works surpass my own - by a thousand miles. ;) And to tell you the truth, Fenit didn't like this one-shot as much as my other ones... ^^;;;
    Muahaha, more people think this one-shot is better than the old ones! :D

    You know, I'm kind of glad no one really hated Agnes - I guess one could call her a freak for obvious reasons, but she actually feels that eating meat is a normal passion. At least she wishes society would accept her cravings.

    Thanks for the review, Scrap. =D *bows*

    SnoringFrog: No problem, glad I could help out! :3

    I finally corrected all my mistakes, guys. =)
  19. Riaf

    Riaf Cockaroach

    Blood. :3

    Well Patty, (can I call you Patty?) you have created my possible first favorite fanfic main character. Anges was so colorful with personality, even if she didn't seem like it. I have one question though. What exactly shocked her mom so much that they went to the doctor for it?

    BTW, one more mistake:

    What does that mean?
  20. Burnt Flower

    Burnt Flower Horror Mistress

    Of course! :D Just don't call me Patricia... x_x *shudders at the horrible name*

    ...At first I was very confused when I read this since I didn't remember any mistakes on that part until I looked at it....

    And saw one-fourth of my one-shot deleted.

    I added the ending part, Riaf, but thanks to you I noticed that someone erased it (it wasn't a mistake on my part since the last time I edited my one-shot was December 6, and before I edited it yesterday to add what was missing it said December 8). I have no idea if this was a hacking attempt or not, but just in case, I changed my password. Please read the ending part now that's it complete, please. :)

    Thanks for the review!

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