Couler Isle

[Rycosplicer]

The following fic is a story about a boy on well, a Pokemon quest.

Italics (like this.) mean thinking.

The following chapter is most likely G rated and the only things that may or may not be inappropriate are: a boy attacked by a Cloyster, and the same boy getting clamped ( Stockpiled, whatever ) on the head by a Pokemon.

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Chapter 1
A Board The Kelecon​

Cal stared at the ocean, leaning on the Kelecon’s railing.

Why does my dad always want me to try to become some Pokemon master? Thought Cal as he watched the sun’s glare reflect off the ocean. I doubt I’d make a good Pokemon trainer at all. I could have actually liked Pokemon if it weren’t for my dad.

Cal’s arms slipped on the boat railing they had been placed on. Cal’s hazel eyes shot open as he, almost immediately, flipped into the ocean. Cal felt his belly hit the Kelecon’s hard railing, knocking the breath out of him. He flopped straight into the ocean. He flailed like a desperate Donphan, and sunk hopelessly like one.

Come on Cal, swim like a Poliwhirl, smooth, simple strokes. The hazel eyed boy commanded himself mentally.

Cal struggled to the surface, his lungs felt like they would explode. When Cal hit the surface, he breathed in air as fast as he could. He scanned the surrounding water, looking for the Kelecon. Cal turned around, only to see a massive ship, the Kelecon, approach him, suddenly, something sharp stabbed Cal. Cal’s vision bleared as he sunk into the ocean helplessly.

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“Blasted Cloyster.” Muttered Cal’s father, Marc, as Cal regained consciousness a boarded the Kelecon in a luxurious white cabin with his dad.

“Dad?” What happened?” Asked Cal weakly. Cal’s head throbbed with pain.

Cal’s father did not respond. He was thinking heavily about something.

“Are you okay Cal?” Asked Cal’s mother as she entered the room.

“My head hurts but I’m fine.” Answered Cal with a weak grin.

“Marc, have you told him about the Pokemon you have for him? After all, it is December 20th, his birthday, he should know that you had a Pokemon for him.” Said Cal’s mother.

“I guess I’m 12 then….HEY!” Cried Cal sharply as he realized that his father, once again, wanted him to go on some Pokemon journey.

“I’m not going on some stupid quest thing dad!” cried Cal as the smile he had sported on his face, turned upside down.

“Your father and I have decided that you will go on a quest. As you know, we are going to live on Couler Isle. In order to be allowed to live there, we need you to participate in a Pokemon quest and keep a detailed journal of your adventure so researchers can learn more about Couler Isle.” Explained Cal’s mother.

“We’re going to live on Couler Isle? Asked Cal, he hadn’t even known that he was going to live on Couler Isle, his dad had told him that they were going on a cruise.

“Yes.” Replied Cal’s parents in unison

“And you will go on that quest.” Marc told Cal as if he were an idiot.

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“Cal, meet Wooper!” Exclaimed Marc as he pulled a Pokeball out from a bag, and threw it on to the floor of the deck. A blue fish busted out of the Pokeball.

“Woop?” Cried the armless blue fish as it slowly moved around, observing the deck.

“Do you want to nickname it?” asked Marc to his son.

“No, we already have enough annoying Pokemon with annoying nicknames.” Replied Cal. “Like your Weezing, nicknamed Smogster, who they probably had to shut in an air tight room because of the way he spews smoke and gases, and, Gobat, your stupid Golbat who never stops screeching! That screeching noise drives me insane! I’m not nicknaming that stupid fish dad! Nothing you say will stop me!”

Wooper gave Cal a dirty look. Apparently, Cal insulted him by calling him a stupid fish. Wooper jumped up, and clamped onto Cal’s forehead.

“Owwww! IT BURNS!” cried Cal pulling at the Wooper, trying to get it off his head.

“Isn’t that Wooper amazing? He must’ve bred to know Stockpile! And the stuff he Stockpiles into his mouth is probably mixed with acid so he can punish opponents with am acid spray when he uses Spit Up! Kinda like Gulp Down’s Stockpile!” Exclaimed Marc.

“Shut up!” Shouted Cal

Marc’s face turned red with anger. Then, he calmed down as he thought of something.

“Okay, I’m sorry Wooper! Let go of my head!” cried Cal, who was exhausted from trying to release the Wooper’s grasp.

Wooper released Cal’s big head.

“It still burns!” Cried Cal.

“I’ll take you back to the cabin; my Vileplume can heal your burns with Aromatherapy, but only if you promise to battle your Wooper against Gulp Down, and if you give Wooper a nickname.” Replied Marc.

“Okay! Just get it to stop burning!” Cried Cal.

-----------------------------

“Cal wakeup! Time for are Pokemon battle!” Marc almost shouted.

“It is seven in the morning dad! I think Vileplume’s Aromatherapy didn’t fully heal those acid burns.” Replied Cal.

“That is not an excuse. Go Gulp Down!” Marc responded as he threw a Pokeball. The ball hit the floor and a Gulpin shot out of it with a burst of white energy.

“Oh whatever, go Wooper.” Mumbled Cal as he dropped a Pokeball on the floor with little care for the Pokeball or the Pokemon inside it. Wooper blasted out of the ball.

“You said you were going to nickname him.” Said Cal’s dad.

“Go Woop then.” Mumbled Cal.

Yes! Thought Marc. Having Cal nicknaming his Wooper will increase the chances of Cal bonding with it.

“Son, I’m going to teach you the basics of a Pokemon battle.” Replied Marc.” If you win you get five dollars.”

By giving Cal a reason to battle, he will battle so much, he’ll like battling. Thought Marc.

“Alright! I’m in!” Exclaimed Cal. Five dollars was a weeks allowance and to Cal, it was a lot of money.” Woop is going to beat your Gulpin!”

 

[Guitar dude bill]

Hmmm.
On a negative basis
Very little description. The only thing you described was Wooper. Everything else had no description. Pack in more description! You never described Cal or his father.
Also there are quite alot of grammar mistakes. You end speech if it's he said or something like that at the end you use a comma. If you use !s or ?s then no capital letters afterwards, sometimes suceeded on this though. And two mistakes of words. Once you said 'am' instead of 'an' somewhere. Also you did 'are' when it should be 'our.'
On a positive basis
Good and intersting plot. It does appeal to me a lot. It's well written. It's cliffhanging. I'm really hooked. It has potential
So overall. I'd say this was a good fic.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

First thing I noticed - originality. Your fic is unusual in several ways - the first that it has a very reluctant trainer and the second in that it has a Wooper as a starter. These can be very big positives in my book, so long as you pull them off well. A Wooper is great, but what really makes a pokemon character great is PERSONALITY. Pokemon are characters in their own right - perhaps not as complex as human characters - but certainly possessing of a detailed personality and corresponding set of behaviour traits.

I suppose the only thing more important that your pokemon personalities are your human personalities. You could have a well developed, realistic character going shopping and it would be more engaging that a character who is nothing more than a name and a physical description defeating the League. Personality > Accomplishments.

I say this only because your character at the moment is seeming rather 'one dimensional'. I can't really help you there - changing a character can drastically change the story, so that part is up to you, but remember that 'real' people are rarely single minded about anything. That's part of the complexity of the human personality - being able to see and empathise with both sides of the argument.

As for the plot, I'd say intriguing. Though I must admit, I'm almost more interested to see Couler Isle than to observe the battle between Cal and Marc. Then again, it's been a while since I read a decent battle scene, and possibly it's an opportunity to see the relationships between Cal and Marc and Marc and Gulpin (well, I'm assuming that he's had the Gulpin for a while, so surely they'd be close?).

On to formatting - the first thing I noticed was the thoughts. I suggest you take the bolding off - it's really distracting. Italics are quite enough by themselves. Also, numbers should be written out fully ('twelve instead of '12'). It just looks more professional that way. Punctuation is somewhat lacking - especially in the areas of apostrophes and commas. Mebbe the Word Spellchecker is in order? I think it does grammar/punctuation as well. Another point - there's no need to capitalise after speech.

"Just put it like this - with a comma, not a full stop at the end of the speech," said the reviewer. "There's no need to have a full stop if you're going to put in a 'said' or the like right after it."

I think that's about it for now. Nice work so far - especially on the double spacing. You've got your paragraphs happening very neatly. Well done! In conclusion, I hoped this review has been useful. PM me when the next chapter goes up, or if you have any questions. Good luck and have fun!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Rycosplicer]

Thank you Blingin G and Pinecone Tortoise for reviewing!

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Unlike Chapter one, I’ll put thoughts in just italics (like this).

This chapter is most likely G rated. The only thing that may or may not be appropriate is a long Pokemon battle.

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Chapter 2

Battle of the Big Mouths​

“Gulp Down, use Sludge!” commanded Marc. Marc’s pudgy, green; Gulpin shot a glob of Sludge at Woop, who was obviously determined to win.

“Dodge it Woop!” shouted Cal, Woop started to roll, but the purple sludge struck Woop head on. Woop easily shrugged off the sludge.

“You’re not even trying dad!” cried Cal, angrily. “You told Gulp Down to go easy, just so I would get cocky and think I could become a Pokemon Master!”

“That’s not true. Ground types like your Wooper aren’t hurt badly by poison type attacks.” replied Mark calmly.

Most Water types learn at least Bubble. So Woop should know Bubble. Cal thought, intensely.

“Bubble Woop!” commanded Cal, Woop turned around to Cal with a confused look on his face. Woop shot a jet of water from its mouth, soaking Cal’s red t-shirt and blue denim jeans.

Marc watched in amusement as Cal fretted over his soaked jeans. The yellow feather on Gulp Down’s head bobbed up and down as the Gulpin chuckled in amusement.

“Okay Woop, Water Gun that Gulpin!” cried Cal, Woop sprayed a jet of water at Gulp Down. The Water Gun connected with its target. Gulpin started to scream in pain by opening its huge mouth, but only managed to spin, soaking Marc’s brown hair in water.

“Gulpin, Encore and dodge the Water Gun,” shouted Cal’s father. Gulpin clapped its puny hands together. A thin purple sound wave emitted from his puny hands hitting Woop head on. Woop giggled like a little girl. Then, the blue fish started randomly blasting water from its mouth, soaking the deck, Cal, Marc, and Gulp Down in his Encored rampage.

“Snap out of it Woop,” shouted Cal, determined to win against the match.

“WWWoooooppppeeerr Wooooo,” giggled Woop, still dazed from Gulp Down’s Encore.

“Gulp Down! Hidden Power!” commanded Cal’s father as his Gulpin’s feather glowed a green color. Six white balls circled Gulp Down’s yellow feather.

“Gulllllll!” cried Gulp Down as he fired a ring of white balls. The white ball turned into six spinning leafs. The six revolving leafs descended upon Woop. However, only one of them hit Woop.

“Wooper?” cried Woop as it exited the delirious state it had once been in, it now seemed more determined to win that ever.

“Woop, Water Gun again!” shouted Cal, Woop shot a blast of water, only for Gulp Down to drink the water.

“You are going to have to do better then that! Gulp Down, Sludge!” shouted Marc as his green Gulpin spewed a thick blast of Sludge on Woop.

“Woop dodge it!” shouted Cal, Woop rolled backwards as Sludge hit the floor boards in front of him.

“Woop! Stockpile!” commanded Cal firmly, Woop ran around swallowing everything in sight. Woop swallowed the Sludge in front of him, dirt, Cal’s shoe, Gulp Down,(he crushed the Gulpin into suitable eating size before eating it.) and numerous other small objects.

“Woop spit that out! You don’t know where that stuff has been,” shouted Cal, Woop spat out Gulpin and a wave of acidic spit, but Gulp Down was determined to fight.

“Woop! Stockpile that Gulpin again! yelled Cal, Woop launched itself at Gulp Down, eager to win. Gulp Down cried in terror at the open mouthed Wooper charging at him.

“I won’t let you go down that easily Gulp Down!” shouted Marc. “Use Acid Armor!” Gulpin melted into liquid goop. Wooper slipped onto the goop and skidded right into Marc.

“At least Gulp Down is safe.” Marc told Cal as he grimaced in pain from eighteen pounds of Wooper hitting him head on. Woop than turned around, determined to defeat Gulp Down.

“Hey Woop, use Slam, that is, if you know it.” Challenged Cal, he knew Woop well by now, and Cal knew Woop did not like to lose a challenge.

Interesting, thought Marc. Cal is learning to use Woops hatred of losing as a weapon.

Woop jumped into the air as Gulp Down solidified into its solid form. Woop spun around once, and struck Gulp Down hard with his tail.

“Oh no!” cried Marc.

Woop hit Gulp Down head on. Gulp Down flipped over with its eyes shut, looking as if it were pretending to faint. He was pretending to faint, just like he had been told to do.

Good job Gulp Down. thought Marc, as he returned the green blob to his Pokeball. Now Cal will have confidences.

Marc handed Cal five dollars.

“You deserve it son.” said Cal’s father.

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“Everybody, the Kelecon has arrived at Couler Isle!” announced someone on the loud speaker installed into the Kelecon.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Oooh. there were some truly awesome bits in here. Encore and Hidden Power, for example, are moves I've rarely seen used in fanfiction and you handled them very competently. Especially the Encore. For some reason, I don't use it a lot in the game either, but you worked it in beautifully. First time I've actually seen it used well. Great work! And the same goes for Gulpin and Wooper - pokemon as UU as Encore is as a move.

For a chapter that was purely a battle, I have to say that it was a lot better than I might have expected. However, I will say that a Wooper (supposedly 1'04" high) swallowing a Gulpin (same height) is pretty unbelievable. A Gulpin swallowing a Wooper, possibly, since a Gulpin is accepted as being pretty much all stomach and mouth, but a Wooper has a much smaller stomach, let alone head and mouth. It seemed like it was put in for comedic effect, but it detracted from the actual fic with its physical impossibility. If the Gulpin (assuming that it's mostly air inside a balloon of skin/mucus) had somehow been folded up to fit in, I'd advise describing how it happened. Otherwise, the whole thing has a jarring effect in what was otherwise shaping up to be an intense and interesting battle.

Another point I noted was that you're telling us which words the characters emphasised - that's alright if you're drawing special attention to the fact that a character stressed one word rather than another (a technique often used to imply double meanings) but if you're just doing it to describe the way they spoke, try just putting the emphasised word in italics.

"Kinda like this," murmured the review.

Just a minor error 'confidents' should be 'confidence'. Didn't pick up on any other typos, but then, I wasn't reading that closely.

Apart from those things, I'm enjoying this fic. There's tastes of originality that I haven't seen elsewhere. Don't stop! Hopefully, we'll get to see what Couler Isle is like next chapter! And perhaps some more Wooper/Cal interaction? ^^ Until next time, good luck and have fun. Oh, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Rycosplicer]

For a chapter that was purely a battle, I have to say that it was a lot better than I might have expected. However, I will say that a Wooper (supposedly 1'04" high) swallowing a Gulpin (same height) is pretty unbelievable. A Gulpin swallowing a Wooper, possibly, since a Gulpin is accepted as being pretty much all stomach and mouth, but a Wooper has a much smaller stomach, let alone head and mouth. It seemed like it was put in for comedic effect, but it detracted from the actual fic with its physical impossibility. If the Gulpin (assuming that it's mostly air inside a balloon of skin/mucus) had somehow been folded up to fit in, I'd advise describing how it happened.

Dang, I didn't think about the hight of the Gulpin and Wooper. Thanks for the review. I'm going to edit that so it makes sence. And do a bit of other editing.

EDIT: I'm going to put thoughts as italics in Chapter 1.

 

[Rycosplicer]

Sorry for double posting but no one has even reviewed my fic.
Here is chapter 3.

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Probably rated G, the only two things that may or may not be appropriate are two Pokemon battles.

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Chapter 3

The Maimangare Problem​

Cal opened his journal; he was required to keep track of his adventures on Couler Isle. As Cal started to open his journal, memories of exiting the Kelecon, his parents explaining to him about Couler’s bizarre climate, caused by Castformto, the evolution of Castform, and traveling through part of Virgin Forest, came flooding back to him. Cal knew he was nearing the end of the Virgin Forest. He knew this because he had just checked his Pokedex, (which had a map feature) a tool used to identify Pokemon as well as keep track of Cal’s money. Cal received the Pokedex from his dad who received the Dex from Professor Shrub.

Woop, Cal’s Wooper stared up at the dark, night, sky.

“Okay Woop, let’s make camp for the night!” exclaimed Cal as he took his backpack off and unzipped the backpack.
Cal pulled a sleeping bag out of the bag and laid it on the ground. He then took Woops Pokeball out of his backpack. A small blast of energy shot out of the ball, taking Woop with it into the Pokeball. Cal then put the Pokeball into his backpack.

“Good night Woop.” Cal said sleepily, as he slipped into his sleeping bag. Suddenly, something struck Cal hard. Cal jumped up. Cal located what hit him, a creature with a shiny black sphere shaped head, blackish hands that had a whitish glow, and a black body that also glowed with a whitish light. Cal pulled Woops Pokeball out of his backpack.

“Go Woop!” cried Cal as the water fish Pokemon popped out of his Pokeball. Woop made a face at Cal, as if to say, what the heck did you wake me up for?

“Woop, just use your Water Gun on that figure.” commanded Cal, pointing at the black creature. “We are under attack you idiot!”

Woop shot a blast of water at the unknown figure as Cal pointed his Pokedex at the creature.

“Castformto, the weather Pokemon.” Chimed Cal’s Dex after scanning the dark figure. “Castformto is the evolved form of Castform. Castformto has total control over the weather and changes into six different forms depending on the weather.”

The creature responded to Woops Water Gun attack by shooting a gust of ice, freezing Woops feet to the ground.

“NO!” cried Cal in terror, he knew Woop would be defeated by the Castformto if he did not help him.

“Woop, Slam that ice!” shouted Cal, Woops tail swung into the ice, sending shards of ice flying everywhere.

“Woop, Water Gun that Castformto!” cried Cal, as Woop shot a blast of water at the Castformto. The Castformto yelled in pain as it dropped onto the ground unconscious.

“GO! Pokeball!” yelled Cal as he threw a Pokeball at the Castformto. Cal’s Pokeball opened in the middle, shooting a blast of light at the Castformto. The light absorbed the Castformto as the light entered Cal’s Pokeball. The ball shook once, twice, three times, and then stopped shaking, lying motionless on the ground.

“Yes! I caught a Castformto!” shouted Cal, excitedly. Woop stared at Cal, as if to say, that saying is so clichéd.

“Return Woop.” said Cal as he returned Woop to its Pokeball.

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“Go Castformto and Woop!” shouted Cal as his two Pokemon popped out of their Pokeballs.

“Breakfast time!” shouted Cal cheerfully. Woop and Castformto (Castformto looked like a Castform except for the fact that it had two gray arms, a dark gray wispy tail, and did not have the leg like limbs its unevolved form had.) gathered around two bowls full of Pokemon food. Castformto finished off its breakfast in a time of sixty seconds.

Let’s see what I can find to eat. thought Cal as he peered into the trees around his camp site. I should’ve brought food. thought Cal because he had found no berries or fruits of which he could eat in the first eight trees he looked in. Cal peered into a ninth tree, only to find one Sitrus berry.

That will do. thought Cal, hungrily. But before he could reach for the berry, a green lump wrapped around the berry.

“Gimme!” shouted Cal as he grabbed the berry. The lump dragged Cal and the berry away from Cal’s campsite.

“Help me!” cried Cal.

Cal held onto the Sitrus berry as the green lump dragged Cal through the forest.

Eventually, (After a three minute journey.) the lump let go of the berry, slithering away with out it.

“Ha ha in your face!” shouted Cal as he bit into the Sitrus berry, eating the berry ravenously.

“MAIMAN GARE GARE!” bellowed an immense sixteen foot tall green lump, which was laying next to the tiny lump that had previously, dragged Cal across Virgin Forest. The two lumps mixed together to form an even bigger.

“HELP!” shouted Cal.

Cal then pulled out his Pokedex. He figured that if he could identify what the huge monster in front of him was, he would have a higher chance of survival, if it were to attack him.

“Maimangare the lump Pokemon, Maimangare were considered to be myths until living specimens were found on Couler Isle. The bigger the Maimangare, the more powerful it is.” chimed Cal’s Pokedex. Suddenly, the Maimangare in front of Cal stretched into a hand like shape. The Maimangare hand struck Cal hard, knocking him back a few feet.

“Come on Woop! HELP ME YOU STUPID FISH!” shouted Cal. it was bad enough Cal was lost, but being attacked by Jell-O was enough pain and misery for anyone.

“Wooooppp!” shouted Woop as he jumped out of a tree swinging on a vine rope (which he held onto with his tail). Woop released the vine and Slammed the Maimangare. The Maimangare exploded into three pieces from the impact of Woops tail.

“What took you so long?” asked Cal, Woop ignored him and Slammed into one of the Maimangare, splitting it into two smaller pieces. The two largest pieces of Maimangare roared fiercely, shooting blue fire straight at Woop.

“Watch out!” shouted Cal, as the fire spiraled towards Woop. Suddenly, Castformto jumped out of the tree Woop had also jumped from, Castformto collided with Woop, sending both of them out of the Maimangare fires way.

“Good save Castformto! Castformto, use Powder Snow like last night, to freeze all of those Maimangare.” commanded Cal. Castformto blew a gust of snow, freezing all of the Maimangare. Each of the Maimangare shrieked as they were coated with a thin layer of ice. Each Maimangare started turning a brownish color, shrinking smaller and smaller, until all that remained of them were hallow spheres of ice.

“I guess those Maimangares can’t handle ice.” said Cal.

 

[mindripper]

A Board The Kelecon

Hmmm, I'm curious. Is that an error, or was it intentional?

Yeah, I liked the fact that Cal pretty much dislikes the notion of being a trainer. it seems to me that not every single person in their world is going to be interested in being a trainer. Realistically, in any case. Most people have trainers who absolutely cannot wait to start their journeys, and then turn up late for some reason......

The action sequences in the second chapter flowed the best, while the one in the third seemed a little forced at times. "Castformto" seemed to appear a little at random, and really went down a little easy.

Woop is pretty cool, and hopefully it will continue being the main Poke. Would like to se more of it. Till next time, good luck.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

...I THOUGHT I REVIEWED THIS CHAPTER?! Gah! I remember typing up a review for it and everything! >< Well, its obviously not here now, so I suppose I'll have to redo it...

Alrighty, then, first section of the latest chapter I thought was MUCH better than the second section. Though I was a little surprised that Cal seemed so happy about his first capture. I mean, sure, anyone would be feeling pretty great about themselves after just making their first capture, but wouldn't Cal feel just a little annoyed at taking what's widely acknowledged as the first step along the life of a trainer. Mightn't he see it as caving in to his father's desire for him to become a trainer?

And I agree with Mindripper - for an evolved pokemon that can control the weather against an unevolved pokemon with little experience, Castformto went down WAY too easily. And after that, Cal didn't really seem to care about it much - just gave it breakfast and ignored it. I would have thought he'd at least try to bond with it or get to know it a bit better. Same with Woop. Yah, he might not want to be a trainer, but those two are his only companions in a foreign land - surely he'd want to be on good, understanding terms with them?

Basically, I'd like to see some more interaction between Cal and his pokemon. And some more personality and behaviour traits coming out.

Before I go on with reviewing the second half of the chapter, I'm gonna say that where your story goes from here is going to depend on what genre you want to use. If you want to go 'Cartoon slapstick' style, you're going to have to let go of people considering your story seriously and just go for the action and humour. But if you want people to read your fic and really get involved, then I'd advise cutting the 'cartoonyness'. The whole 'swinging on a vine' and 'Cal got dragged through the forest floor that no doubt had hard ground, rocks, tree roots, sticks, bushes, sharp plants, etc but came out the other end absolutely fine' were REALLY unrealistic and kinda spoiled the illusion that your fic COULD happen in the pokemon world. Mind you, it was funny and the fact that Cal wasn't hurt meant that things could progress quicker. It depends on what you want. If you want people to think 'wow, that's amazing, it's like a view of a real person's life in that world', cut the unlikely parts, but if you're going for a 'AHAHAHAHAHAHAH, that is the funniest thing I've read in ages' reaction, you can leave it in. Of course realism doesn't have to be serious and gloomy and slapstick can be done realistically, but cartoon invincibility doesn't mix with realism.

As for the second half of the chapter, it kinda annoyed me. Firstly, it had all the cartoonyness mixed with realism. Secondly, the Maimangare confused me - were they even pokemon, if so, what type, etc. Thirdly, the continuity was shot - Wooper and Castformto appeared out of nowhere. It just didn't make that much sense to me.

Anyway, I'm sorry this is a short review. PM if there's anything else you wanted commented on. HAPPY NEW YEAR and have fun with next chapter. Just fix up the continuity, decide on a genre and show us a bit more personality. ^^ Apart from that, things are going great.

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Guitar dude bill]

That chapter was good and descriptive. But it was a bit short. One of the things I reccomend you work on is length. Make the next chapter a few pages longer.
Well on a negative basis
It was a bit rushed, could have been more rushed but just take it a bit slower. A few grammar mistakes, you end speech with full stops (.) sometimes still, does the spell/grammar checker mention the fragment? If so you should add a comma, I reccomend you read through this and check before posting
On a positive basis
Very well written, especially the battle scene, I'm very hooked to this. Good cliffhanger, fun to read, decent characters. But overall it's a very good chapter.
PS: Piney if you lost your review you probably followed an invalid link. Copy it and submit it. If you follow and invalid link, re-post it.
Keep writing, rysosplicer!