Blackjack Gabbiani
Clearly we're great!
Can anyone help me make it clearer then? I'd really like to make it obvious to the reader where he is, even if he has no clue at all.
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Creation (Galactific, R100)
- Thread starter Blackjack Gabbiani
- Start date
lugia*master
Cheese XD
I think I understand now, yeah.
The Great Butler
Hush, keep it down
It's a little clearer that he's in a padded cell now, but not that the Commanders are robots - considering you use "flesh" to describe them, most people aren't gonna get that you're using it in the figurative.
Blackjack Gabbiani
Clearly we're great!
Well the problem with that is that he thinks they're alive and real humans, even though he puts them together with a screwdriver.
And yes, I know the logistic problems in having him get a tool kit in a mental hospital, but this is the Pokemon world. They're not exactly 100% on human care, and hey, he winds up only hurting the robots (he's not *intending* to harm himself, after all).
And yes, I know the logistic problems in having him get a tool kit in a mental hospital, but this is the Pokemon world. They're not exactly 100% on human care, and hey, he winds up only hurting the robots (he's not *intending* to harm himself, after all).
lugia*master
Cheese XD
The penny just dropped. So, since it's in his POV, it's describing them as flesh, becaause that's what he thinks they are, when they're actually not. I get it now, but it still should be made a little clearer to us, the readers, that they're robots. Perhaps a brief, non Cyrus' POV bit at the end or something.
Blackjack Gabbiani
Clearly we're great!
Well, I think that would ruin the impact and feel tacked on.
I want to make it more obvious while working exclusively in his POV.
I want to make it more obvious while working exclusively in his POV.
purple_drake
E/GL obsessed
/briefly 'cos I didn't intend to review this:
What if you called them 'flesh', but described the 'flesh' as being something the reader will recognise as other than actual flesh? So Cyrus thinks it's flesh, even though visually/textually he sees it with the visual attributes/texture it actually has.
... I don't even know if that made sense.
What if you called them 'flesh', but described the 'flesh' as being something the reader will recognise as other than actual flesh? So Cyrus thinks it's flesh, even though visually/textually he sees it with the visual attributes/texture it actually has.
... I don't even know if that made sense.
Blackjack Gabbiani
Clearly we're great!
Hmm. He does describe the smile as "plastic" and I thought that was too *obvious*. Clearly I was wrong, so what would you suggest? Like "metallic", "shiny", "smooth" (although that's used for skin too)..."cold" maybe?
The Great Butler
Hush, keep it down
"Steely flesh" or something, perhaps?
chosen_one386
Angel of Chaos
I must say, this passage sent shivers down my spine. Cyrus POV is colder than I've ever imagined him to be...especially regarding his creation. I must say this makes me think. Amazing job, Blackjack.
Blackjack Gabbiani
Clearly we're great!
Hmm. I don't know if "steely flesh" would work, but I'll see what I can work with.
Thanks, Chosen One! Did you get the underlying thing either? If not (or if so even), what can I do to make it more prominant without being too obvious?
Thanks, Chosen One! Did you get the underlying thing either? If not (or if so even), what can I do to make it more prominant without being too obvious?
chosen_one386
Angel of Chaos
Well, I get that there is an underlying theme, but I have learned that it turns out different for each reader. Which underlying theme did you see, Blackjack? 
Blackjack Gabbiani
Clearly we're great!
About what's really going and where he is.
chosen_one386
Angel of Chaos
Oh...In that case, yes, I get the meaning...>_> Is it supposed to be hard to find or something?
Blackjack Gabbiani
Clearly we're great!
Well uh...it's hard to get to, but probably a lot of people know where he *is*.
chosen_one386
Angel of Chaos
Now, tell me: What was the inspiration behind this...is it a one-shot? What was your inspiration?
Blackjack Gabbiani
Clearly we're great!
Basically, I'd been talking to someone over Skype and we were discussing how Cyrus basically underestimates human nature, both for better and worse, by thinking that the species can be reprogrammed like robots. I think we mused that he'd be better off populating a new world *with* robots, and that's how it came about. Although since it was a verbal chat and didn't have a log, and since it was at about 4 am, my memory of it's pretty hazy.
chosen_one386
Angel of Chaos
XD Nice. It's great how everyday conversations can provide you with great inspiration.
Ok, how would you populate the world with a robot, first of all, and second, this story was just...ugh. You know you can do better Blackjack, even if you're going through rough times, like wearing those ranch outfits or whatever it is, or getting your job stolen, you should still be able to come up with some good stories for this great forum to read. I'm sorry but you just need to work on your material. This wasn't good. At all. Not one bit. Nope. Very much not good.
It was bad.
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Blackjack what is this???? I was sort of like "wtf" when I read it at first but I was cool with Cyrus being all up in his universe rockin it with his commanders he kept remaking cause he ain't gettin it right no suh but then..
THEN you go all whack on me and say he's in a psycho ward with the robo commanders and whatevs. Now that just ain't right :\
PS To the retard who went on about human anatomy and how 'creating something with your hands' should imply they weren't real people.. have you lived in a paper bag for years and never heard anyone talk about the 'Hand of God' or various other deities and hand-based things? Creating something with your hands is how most deities are portrayed as doing such.
PPS Just because someone writes many fics, most of which I like, doesn't mean all of their work is astounding and deserves you wanking it to. I normally don't have too much crit on Blackjack's fics but this one, man, I just don't even know where to start >8\
Blackjack girl, I know I been a trucking jelk in the past, but str8 up to you here, I got some words.
I think you were writing with a very fine line for a subject. There are too many words you could've/did use that are too ambiguous or too specific to pull off the sort of hidden-meaning effect you were going for. It was a very hard fic idea to write imo and I feel you did well broaching it.
I had no clue what you were actually intending, though, and I'm still sort of mystified by it. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me and the fic really just seems like Cyrus is remaking his universe over and over because he can never get it right since he himself isn't perfect. But of course he'd never admit that.
I think it'd have played out a lot better if you'd gone with that as your plot, or if you'd decided to be more concrete that he's in the loony bin. The way it is, some readers got it and others had no clue.
Could've been a lot better imo. I'm still confused here. Keep writing homie!
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Blackjack what is this???? I was sort of like "wtf" when I read it at first but I was cool with Cyrus being all up in his universe rockin it with his commanders he kept remaking cause he ain't gettin it right no suh but then..
THEN you go all whack on me and say he's in a psycho ward with the robo commanders and whatevs. Now that just ain't right :\
PS To the retard who went on about human anatomy and how 'creating something with your hands' should imply they weren't real people.. have you lived in a paper bag for years and never heard anyone talk about the 'Hand of God' or various other deities and hand-based things? Creating something with your hands is how most deities are portrayed as doing such.
PPS Just because someone writes many fics, most of which I like, doesn't mean all of their work is astounding and deserves you wanking it to. I normally don't have too much crit on Blackjack's fics but this one, man, I just don't even know where to start >8\
Blackjack girl, I know I been a trucking jelk in the past, but str8 up to you here, I got some words.
I think you were writing with a very fine line for a subject. There are too many words you could've/did use that are too ambiguous or too specific to pull off the sort of hidden-meaning effect you were going for. It was a very hard fic idea to write imo and I feel you did well broaching it.
I had no clue what you were actually intending, though, and I'm still sort of mystified by it. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me and the fic really just seems like Cyrus is remaking his universe over and over because he can never get it right since he himself isn't perfect. But of course he'd never admit that.
I think it'd have played out a lot better if you'd gone with that as your plot, or if you'd decided to be more concrete that he's in the loony bin. The way it is, some readers got it and others had no clue.
Could've been a lot better imo. I'm still confused here. Keep writing homie!