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Cronicles of Salvation:Thus Spoke the Unsaved

M

Momoko Lover

Hop, Skip, Jump!!!
Okay, first of all, if you have any suggestions on how to change it, like the title, or the way the prologue is written, they will be gladly appreciated, or if you have just a regular opinion about it, then go right ahead. (Just thought I needed to say that.) Also, I posted this in the Fic Ideas thread, but then I noticed all the other topic ideas in a seperate thread, so I decided to do this.

Cronicles of Salvation: Thus Spoke The Unsaved​

Prologue:Once there was a young boy, who was lost in the long book called life. He was a lonely orphan, and wanted to find out who his parents were. His mother and father disappeared when he was just a baby, and the other members of his family were religious people, and resented the fact that his parents committed adultery. He was a very distraught boy, always stealing from gas stations just to find something to eat. No one knew of his identity, he was a drifter. Going from town to town, wandering during the night to find shelter. He's lost, and probably will never be found. "Someone help me, please help me!" the boy said. Then, that's when thus spoke the unsaved.
 
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K

katiekitten

The Compromise
You do know what Adultery means, don't you? Just making sure. Adultery is when a man or a women cheats on his or her husband or wife. Are you saying that both his mother and father cheated on each other? Or do you mean something else entirely? Sorry, I am a little unclear on this point.

Sorry, I can't comment on the story or plot. The prologue is way to short, there should be at least a paragraph. Three lines does not cut it, sorry. Another hint: after a colon, a space is normaly needed.
 
M

Momoko Lover

Hop, Skip, Jump!!!
Thanks for the info, but adultery means premarital sex, I looked it up, but I guess I see what you meant. You're also right about the prologue, I change it now.
 
K

katiekitten

The Compromise
Dictionary.com said:
a·dul·ter·y ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-dlt-r, -tr)
n. pl. a·dul·ter·ies
Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse.
Click to expand...

That's what I got. *shrugs* I just checked.
 
M

Momoko Lover

Hop, Skip, Jump!!!
Um, okay, then. Maybe I'm wrong, I'll look it up again.
 
K

Kyle of Pallet

Guest
yeah, that is what adultery means. The prolouge is a bit short, but it seems to be going in the right direction.
 
Burnt Flower

Burnt Flower

Horror Mistress
I just checked out this preview because of the original name. XP Anyway...

resented the fact that his parents committed adultery.
Click to expand...
I kinda know what you meant to get across, but I think it could be better worded or it'll cause confusion, like the posters above me are.

Then, that's when thus spoke the unsaved.
Click to expand...
This ruined the whole flow, and takes away from the cool title. It makes no sense to end with that line since we have no clue who the unsaved are and just looks out of place.

I'm also here to remind you that orphaned children who go on a quest to search for their parents is overused. You can make it original if you add some other stuff in it, but I see no clues to that other than that random reference to the 'unsaved'.
 
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