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Crystal Rose [Contestshipping]

Discussion in 'Shipping Fics' started by L0v3 is Evol, May 16, 2009.

  1. L0v3 is Evol

    L0v3 is Evol Active Member

    Hello, I'm new to Serebii, and I've been reading so many fanfictions here, that I've been inspired to write my own. Constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated. And on with the story:

    Crystal Rose [Contestshipping]
    Story Rating: PG-13
    Chapter One: Separated
    Chapter Rating: G

    “I don’t want to go to Pettleburg! I want to stay here! Drew, Misty and Ash aren’t coming with us. My best friend Drew, mom! Remember what I told you?! He’s always alone and… and... if I’m not there…”

    May sobbed uncontrollably. She scanned her room, she saw pictures of her and her friends, and more importantly Drew. The emerald haired boy had been her best friend for as long as she could remember. Ever since she moved to La Rousee two years ago…

    A five year old May stood alone in the playground, she had just moved. Wearing her signature red bandana, May tried to approach the girls who were waiting for their turn in line. The others saw May and scoffed at her attire.

    “Hey Amy, didn’t your mom hire a new maid?” said one of the girls.

    “Yeah, that girl’s probably her daughter, just look at how she's dressed,” replied Amy.

    Mays eyes started to water, as the girls jeered her about her family’s financial status. She couldn’t take it any more and broke down until she heard a voice...


    She saw that boy with green hair-and at the time, she thought he was a walking tree. But pushing that thought aside, she thought how quickly her tormentors’ attitude changed as soon as the strange boy came along.

    “Oh Drew… Hi! Umm... How are you?” The demagogue of the group said nervously.

    “I said stop didn’t I?” he countered.

    “Er… um… stop what?” she said playing dumb, but Drew didn’t buy it.
    Instead, he went over to May and helped her up.

    “I’ll be sure to tell my father Amy. You’re through with messing with people. Your mom won’t be working in the company anymore. No one likes you, get that through your head.”

    Then he turned to May, “C’mon, let’s go away from these weirdos.”

    Once they were out of earshot Drew made some conversation with the distraught girl, “So, you’re new around here, right? Anyways, I’m Drew.”

    May said nothing, but nodded. And then she started crying again. Drew didn’t know what to do, so he saw a park at the corner of the street and took May there. They both sat on the grass field and looked at the other children playing. After she stopped crying he said, “Don’t believe anything they say. None of it is true. You are not a maid and you do not look like one. Those girls don’t know anything about you. Anyway, I actually like the bandana, you look nice.”

    May stared at him in shock as he stood up. No one ever said anything like that to her before. May’s heart started to beat a bit faster and she blushed. She suddenly jumped up and hugged him.

    “Thanks Drew.”

    They stayed like that for a couple of seconds until she realized what she had just done, and felt herself getting redder than before.

    “I’m sorry,” May whispered.

    “Anyway, I’m outta here before you do something dumber and I have to save you again,” he said as he flipped his hair.

    May stared at him in shock. He had just been so nice and kind, but turned out to be a big jerk in a matter of seconds. “I never asked you to save me! You did it out of your own free will!”

    “Whatever,” Drew said as he started to walk away. But he stopped and said, “Here have one.”

    He threw a bright red rose which fell at her feet and she stared at it. She looked up and saw him walking farther away until he left the park. She picked it up and smelled it. It had such a beautiful scent, one in which she had never smelled.

    *Back to the Present*
    May came out of her reverie when she heard a voice, all the while noticing the absence of her mother.

    "What I said yesterday was true. I really don't want you to go. I'll miss you."

    May turned as she responded, "Huh? Oh...Drew, it's you...I'll miss you too...and I'm sorry about exploding and all. I don't want to leave...especially since... you know... your family... always alone... and I can't be there."

    "Yeah, but we'll still keep in touch, right? Cause we're best friends."

    Drew looked unsure for a moment, and continued. "And best friends care about each other..."

    May looked at him and suddenly started crying. "I-I don’t know what I'll do without you Drew" she sobbed.

    Drew hugged May and said "Don't worry you'll be fine." He then pulled away from May and took out a rose from the inside of his pocket and said "Here, I'm giving you this rose so you can remember me."

    She took the rose and remembered the first time they had met. May hugged Drew for what she felt to be the last time, and said, "I have to go now, Mom is going to need my help doing some last minute packing. Goodbye Drew," as she wiped all traces of her tears from her face, "I'll miss you."

    He stared at her retreating form and sighed, "I'm really gonna have to let you go... and I'll be stuck here without you." He left her home, but not before leaving a crystal rose on her bed.

    "Don't forget me." And with that Drew left.


    "Mom!" May cried as she searched her room. She couldn't find her picture of her and Drew. "Have you seen that picture of me and Drew? It was the only one we took together, and I can't find it!"

    And as she passed her bed, something caught her eye. It was shiny, red, and beautiful.

    She whispered a name, and a tear dropped down. She was so torn between happiness and sadness, that May fell to the floor in shock.

    END OF CHAP #1! Thank you for your time and please review :D
    Last edited: May 20, 2009
  2. aw. such a sad start to it. ;_;

    well, critisism time... it's really not bad. it seems a little rushed, but i'm a detailed kind of person. ^^; (trust me, it's taken me so long to fix my story i wrote in the seventh grade) in the flashback, i couldn't really see them as kids though. i guess it just didn't sound like a five year old talking. little kids tend not to notice any sexual tension (used loosely) and use little words.

    however, i like the title of it and the mood you put into the story right away. i can really get the feel that they're the best of friends. i'm starting to wonder if Amy will come back sometime too... or maybe her little/big sister? hehe... but have fun with this. it's coming along great so far. keep it up. ^^

    ;216; Tff

    P.S.~ [and this is important] if you don't want this thread to get closed, you need to put a rating at the top: G, PG, PG-13, R, or NC-17. they discribe all those in the rules, so make sure you take a look at them before posting anymore.
    Last edited: May 18, 2009
  3. BabyLugia

    BabyLugia Well-Known Member

    Oopsies? Hehe.
    Really nice story o: Like Teddiursa said, it felt like it was rushed. The feelings in the story can really be understood, though, so that's nice ^-^
    Drew's the one reassuring May when he's the one who's gonna have the disadvantage...BOYS. :p
  4. L0v3 is Evol

    L0v3 is Evol Active Member

    Thanks for the comments guys ;371; [@ BabyLugia: Yup, boys are like that. Lol]

    Here's the second chapter of Crystal Rose:

    Chapter Two: Seven Years Later.
    Rating: G

    With Drew:
    "DREW!!! Where are you?! I wanna go somewhere; it's such a pretty day!" Dawn said...more like yelled.

    'Man, why did she have to come to my place right now? I wanna go to sleep,’ Drew thought. His thought was interrupted, "Oh, there you are DREWSY DEAR!" Dawn exclaimed as she saw him on him lying on the bed.

    She came over and gave him a peck on the lips, continuing, "Drewsy, I don't want to stay home! How about we go to the park? Not many people will be in our grassy area." Drew yawned out a tired, "Fine... let's go.”

    The blue haired girl's face glowed for a moment and then she exploded in happiness, "YAYYY! And on the way back, I want to buy this really cute top I saw at the mall."

    He knew that there was no point in arguing with his girlfriend, because she would always get her way [in the end] - no matter what. And he sighed, knowing it was times like these where he wondered why he accepted her request to be her boyfriend.

    But looking at her face once more, he recalled the reason. The reason why he always stayed: Her eyes. They were the same eyes that he remembered... but he did not recall from where...

    In Pettleburg:
    "Mom! I can't believe we're moving again! And I'm turning sixteen later this year too! How am I supposed to celebrate my Sweet Sixteen in a place I haven’t been too in years? I'll have to make friends all over again," May whined.

    "Sweetie, you'll have friends there, I promise. And many people will be there on your birthday. You know we have to move because of your father’s job. But this time I assure you we won’t move anymore." Her mother, Carolyn responded reassuringly.

    At that moment, May was in the car with her father, Norman , her mother, Carolyn, and her brother, Max. After a couple of hours they had reached their old home that they haven't inhabited in the last seven years. Unpacking their things, Max and May got everything ready for their first day of school, which was the next day.

    Next Day:
    "Class, settle down. We have a new student coming in today. I want you to give her a warm welcome." Mr. Lance said as May entered the room. As she came in, her eyes wandered to find an empty chair. But the only seat available was a seat next to a green haired boy.

    ‘He looks familiar… but who is he?’ May thought.

    With Drew…
    ‘Oh crap! This is my favorite song.’ Drew thought as he was listening to music on his iPod. He hardly listened to what happened in the beginning of class. It was a miracle he passed all his classes with perfect marks. Suddenly, a girl came and sat down beside him. Then the sound of class starting reached Drew’s ears and he put his iPod away.

    He noticed the girl saying “Hi,” and it was directed at him. Drew replied with a “Hello,” back.

    She smiled in a friendly manner and asked him, “What’s your name? I’m—”


    An airplane had passed by and Drew didn’t hear her say her name. Nor he didn’t really care at the moment, as he responded with, “I’m Drew, now can you please be quiet? I’m trying to listen to what Mr. Lance is saying.”

    “Fine.” Then after a while he though that she looked familiar, but as he racked his brain, trying to recollect something he felt was he was missing. Alas, he came to a dead end, and instead decided to gaze at May.

    She wore blue shorts up to her knees with a white mini skirt over it. She had a red short sleeved shirt and her red and white bandana, that she was always seen wearing, on top of her brunette hair.

    Then he caught sight of her sapphire eyes and was shocked to see how a person could have such innocent and beautiful eyes. He felt his heart beating faster and faster.

    May felt a person’s eyes bore into her figure, turned and once she saw it was Drew. With annoyance, May cried out “What?!”

    “Nothing, just nothing...” Drew responded, amazed that he had been caught staring. ‘This is gonna be interesting,’ he thought.

    End of Chapter Two! Please leave a comment with your thoughts. Thank you for your time! ;132;
  5. BabyLugia

    BabyLugia Well-Known Member

    You caught Dawn's personality so well LOL Hyperactive as usual XD
    If it hadn't been for her eyes' resemblance to May's, Drew would probably kill her by now c:
    I like this chapter just as much as the first c: Write more, please~
  6. L0v3 is Evol

    L0v3 is Evol Active Member

    Thank you for your nice comment BabyLugia ;351;! Constructive criticism would be appreciated. On with the third chapter of Crystal Rose:

    Chapter Three: Math Help
    Rating: G

    After School:
    'I know that boy from somewhere. I know we've met before. Where? Where?'
    She was thinking about that green-haired boy named Drew since she had arrived home, but her thought were interrupted by her mother's voice.

    “Max, May, it's time for dinner!”

    When they all gathered around the dinner table Norman asked, “How was your first day back in school?”

    May was still mad at her parents for making her move, so she stayed silent as she half-heartedly listened to Max rant about some math thing. A squared plus B squared equals C squared, Pathagreen theory or something. May was looking at the vegetables on her plate and instantly thought about the color green once again. Green on her plate to the green colored head or hair to the green colors of his eyes. It seemed like every thought in her head now was revolved around Drew and it frustrated her.

    As May went to sleep she kept thinking about this boy with green hair. 'Drew... who are you? More importantly, who are you to me?’

    Meanwhile, Drew was lying on his bed and was thankful that Dawn wasn't coming over because she was too busy. He kept thinking that he knew the girl from class from somewhere. Her eyes mainly reminded him of another girl's eyes that he met before, but he couldn't even remember what they looked like exactly.
    'What was the girl's name? If that stupid plane hadn't passed by, I would know her name and wouldn't have this dilemma now,’ Drew yawned and went into a dream-less slumber.

    Next Day:
    Panting, May said, “Mom, I'm going to school early because I want to see what we're going to do in class, okay?” She was rushing. May did not want to start off her school year being late.

    “Okay sweetie. See you later!” May's mother responded, while waving to her.

    It was 7:20 when May arrived. She figured since no one might be in school, she would be able to work on her English essay that was due the next week. As she entered the classroom she saw only one person slumped on their chair with a hat covering their face sleeping. As she came nearer she saw that it was the same green haired boy that had been invading her mind the previous day. She went and sat down in her seat, which was next to his. Tired of the silence, she used her finger to jab him on the shoulder.

    “Ow, that hurt,” he said rubbing his shoulder. “You didn't have to do that.”

    He took off his hat and May blushed a deep red seeing each glorious strand of green hair.

    “Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were awake and I was getting bored and I thought that maybe you would wake up and I could talk to you. But I didn't know that you were actually awake, so I thought that a good poke would wake you up and relieve me of this silence,” May said sheepishly.

    Drew stared at her for awhile until he responded, “Thanks for the lecture, Mom.”

    “Hey, this is the first time I ever said something this lengthy, to anybody since I got here. Drew, you don't have to be rude, you know. And if I didn't make my apology clear before I'll say it again, I'm sorry for poking you, alright?”

    “Okay. Thank you, Mom.” Drew sighed sarcastically, while rolling his eyes. He was amused, but he didn't want May to know. Drew still didn't know May's name afterall, and he thought it would be a bit embarrassing to ask now.

    May turned back to her writing, seeing that their conversation was getting nowhere; while Drew got up to look out the classroom window.
    Later in the day:
    Millions of math questions decorated the board. It was a nightmare for May—she didn’t want anyone to know her weak point. Yet she knew she couldn’t pass her way through math if she didn’t find any help. May looked across, to her left. Drew seemed engrossed with his work, breezing by it as though it was a walk in the park. May stared at him, wondering if he was any good at math and then—

    “Can I help you?” Drew’s voice came through, pulling her out of her thoughts.

    “Huh? Oh nothing…” May said sheepishly, while Drew gave her a look. He wasn’t convinced. But somehow he knew what was going on.

    “…So, you don’t need any help at all…?” he replied slyly. ‘Hook, line and sinker’ he thought as he saw her evident fear.

    “…I…I um…” stuttering hopelessly, May was at a loss for words.

    Drew grew tired of her hesitation “Well? Do you want my help or not? 'Cause I want to get back to my work, I only have two questions left—”

    “—wait! Drew, please help. I really don’t get this stuff, but I don’t want anyone to know I can’t do math! Can you help me? Please?!” May cried out, to the only person she thought that could help him.

    But he was a jerk, as she recalled. So she immediately regretted her decision to tell him in the first place. She shut her eyes, in fear of rejection, awaiting her fate...

    “Sure,” a short and calm reply shocked May deeply.

    She was so sure of rejection, but he gave her the exact opposite…Who are you? . And then she was set to work, with him the mentor.

    End of Chapter Three. Thank you for your time!

    Also, does the story still seem rushed? Because that was a problem I had in the beginning. So, I just want to know if it is. Please review with your thoughts.

    Thanks for your time ;261;!
  7. BabyLugia

    BabyLugia Well-Known Member

    That was also a really good chapter c:
    The only criticism I can give for both the last chapter and this one is that they seemed only a tid-bit rushed. There is one thing that I caught o__o
    Was May thinking that part? 'cause if so, you switched from using single quotation marks to italics.

  8. L0v3 is Evol

    L0v3 is Evol Active Member

    BabyLugia, ;207;

    Yea, it was. I was experimenting with writing styles right there. Because it was more of what May was thinking, so I thought puting her thoughts in italics w/o stating who was thinking would give it away.

    It wasn't a very good experiment, huh?

    Thanks for the review ;026;!



    Edit. This story is going to be on hiatus for a while...I gotta fix the rushed problem. So... I'm going to go by dates for each chapter from now... unless otherwise stated. Heheh... Sorry for the inconvenience.

    Here’s the timeline…BUT THESE ARE SERIOUS SPOILERS! So I tried to make it as sketchy as possible. These spoilers go until December 6th 2008, for the story.

    Year 2008:
    Thursday October 2nd: May starts school in Petalburg.
    Sunday November 16th: Start of Hoennshipping.
    Thursday December 4th: More Hoennshipping-ness; Ikarishipping exposed.
    Friday December 5th: May tells Drew something important… But he doesn’t believe her.
    Saturday December 6th: The end of Belleshipping for this story.
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2009
  9. luvallpokemon

    luvallpokemon Optional Author

    I wonder if they will ever get together and remember the good times they had cause this is is serioiusly sad for the both of them!!!
  10. kyogreblue3

    kyogreblue3 san junipero

    i wonder if they'll ever get together and remember the good times, too, because Drew with Dawn is kinda weird. anyway, this is a good ContestShipping fanfic so far, even if it is a bit too rushed.
  11. AquaRegisteel

    AquaRegisteel Face Oblivion

    I enjoyed reading it as well!

    It may be rushed but it is still pretty awesome.Good way to block May telling Drew her name!

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