Curse (one-shot)

[Dragonfree]

Contains a religious/spiritual theme.

I'd REALLY appreciate some constructive criticism on this, as I'm not as happy with parts of it as I could have been and am desperate to know how I can fix that.

Curse

“Dragonite, Curse!”

He has called this one command in almost every battle we have had since he taught me that move.

I would never disobey. He’s my trainer. We have been through so much together – ever since Dragon’s Den, where the Elders deemed him worthy of training me, we have been through everything. Victories and defeats. Sweet and sour. I could never complain. Besides, other Pokémon use it, don’t they?

Must be something you get used to after a while.

I close my eyes and whisper the words that I don’t know the meaning of. I feel like I know it, but it seems to slip out of my mind just before I can grasp it.

As the tan-colored dragon’s lips stop moving, he seems to stiffen and is suddenly out of breath. He looks exhausted and weak; his head hangs low and his eyes look pained.

“Tyranitar, Rock Slide!”

The other Pokémon in the arena, a huge green dinosaur, roars and raises one of his arms as chunks of the floor start to shake and be ripped out of it to levitate in the air. They hang there trembling for a second but are then flung at the dragon. He doesn’t even seem to notice; he stands like a statue, almost immune to the weight and speed of the rocks.

“Curse again!”

The Dragonite starts to recite the same it did before, but with more difficulty. While the Dragonite is struggling through the words, the other trainer sees an opportunity:

“Focus Punch!”

The Tyranitar’s fist glows as he leaps towards the Dragonite. The dragon raises a trembling arm and manages to punch the reptile away with a weak-looking push that nonetheless results in the rock-skinned monster flying across the arena like a ragdoll.

The dragon finishes the words and seems to be weakened again. His head hangs limply, his eyes fight to say open, and his legs tremble.

“One more time, Curse!”

As I start saying the words again, the meaning first now comes to me and I realize what I am saying… what I have done…

But it’s too late now, isn’t it?

The Dragonite starts to move his lips faintly one more time while the Tyranitar struggles to stand up.

Dark One, curse me
Take my life
Bit by bit
Take my soul
Take my offer now

The Tyranitar gets up and shakes himself with another ear-splitting roar.

Give me power
Give me strength
I’ll give you my soul

The Dragonite’s eyes close and he falls down on four legs, having to support his weight with his arms.

Give me glory
Give me fame
I will give you me

The dragon screams, jerking himself up and spreading out his wings for a second. He doesn’t look exhausted anymore; with empty eyes he stares at his opponent.

The dragon’s trainer smiles. “That’s it, Dragonite! Extremespeed!”

The Dragonite darts towards the Tyranitar with an almost robotic expression, preparing to tackle him.

The battle is already won.

They will be masters.

Just like promised.

 

[~*Ratiosu*~]

Amazing! Even though when a Dragonite can't use Curse as a ghost move, but it's still amazing. 10/10! You get fudge brownies!

 

[Dragonfree]

Um, it's not being used as a Ghost move. o.o

 

[IceKing]

Yeah, it definetely could have been improved First off, I love this concept of curse meaning a pokemon is selling his soul to the devil, it makes perfect sense though it is a little dark for the pokemon world. My main suggestion for improvement is to put some more emphasis and elaborate on certain things. Describe how Dragonite is feeling, show his relunctance/acceptance to cast the Curse! Also, I couldn't picture Tyranitar atttacking it while Dragonite was casting the curse, no pokemon would just stand there while the oppurtunity to attack passes. Finally, I suggest putting some nice vivid details and painting a wonderful image of Dragonite after casting curse. All in all, make this more memorable and make it a bit more horrific and drama filled! Not bad though, I loved the way you had him cast curse and the way the one shot ended.

3/5 for me, ELABORATE!


Edit: To Kazemon: Sounds like from the emphasis on the extreme speed, that it is doing the attack and defense up o_0

 

[~*Ratiosu*~]

^^; I mean that only the ghost types can use Curse in the manner which you used it as. Like the 1/2 HP thing. For every other Pokemon it reduces Speed and ups Attack and Defense. And the fact that you can't curse Pokemon more than once; they would have to be returned or switched to another Pokemon and then switched in again.

 

[Haunter]

Nice. Poor Dragonite. I bet he's feeling really bad.

 

[My_Innocence]

This was good. I like that Dragonite is a little full of himself it seems. Towards the end basically he says hes gonna win just because of one move. Curse isn't that fancy, well to me so it being this godly move for Dragonite was cool. I know its a one shot and there usually short but I felt maybe you could have done more with the battle. I felt like there should be some more to it. But overall I liked it. Different from other one shots I've read in the past. I haven't been at the boards lately but do you like writing about pokemon moves? This is your second one shot bit here.

-Danny

 

[Dragonfree]

Yes, that's what it's doing, raising Attack and Defense and cutting Speed. o.o Sure, it's a bit more extreme than just making him slower, but it's basically slowing him down by making him exhausted and mentally weak while his physical strength grows to ridiculous levels. The reason for both happening is the fact that by using Curse he's communicating with some sort of evil that rips bits from his soul when he uses it in exchange for the strength. (Incidentally, this explains it being different for Ghosts, as they are simply souls and have no bodies to make stronger.)

Describing what Dragonite was feeling about the Curse was what I at least thought I was doing with the beginning, but then again I'm not very happy with that part, so you're probably right. The description, too; looking at it I don't think I did a very good job.

Also, I couldn't picture Tyranitar atttacking it while Dragonite was casting the curse, no pokemon would just stand there while the oppurtunity to attack passes.

That seems to contradict itself... First you say you couldn't picture Tyranitar attack while Dragonite stood still, and then you say no Pokémon would just stand there while it can attack...? *confused*

My Innocence, the Dragonite wasn't speaking at the end; it was just the narrator foreshadowing that it would happen, which is exactly the point - in the fic Curse is basically a contract with some sort of evil which ensures more power the more of your soul you give it. Since the Dragonite ended up giving away the last bit of soul he had (and yes, that's what happened), he was ensured the ability to win the whole league.

These two are the first "move" one-shots I write, so you just happen to have come in now.

 

[PDL]

interesting concept on how the move works... anyone else would have easily had a ghost type preform the attack by driving a nail into it's being thus damaging itself...

wonderful work...

 

[Chaos Absol]

I like it, although it could've used some more length in my opinion.I like how you explain it as actually selling its soul rather then just cutting its speed, but wouldn't it be much better to just use dragon dance?Also, is that by any chance Lance?

 

[~*Ratiosu*~]

For the poster above: No, of course not. Lance wouln't do that...would he?

Dragonfree: Oh, all right. I thought it was using Curse in the ghost type, making itself weaker and selling itself to whatever being is in Curse. OK, I get it. ^_^

 

[Dragonfree]

I didn't think of it as Lance, at least...

Also, this is a kind of a 'Johto era' fic, with the whole Extremespeed Dragonite and Curse, so one could say that Dragon Dance hasn't been discovered in it.