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Dartmouth & Jollimore's Alolan Adventures

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by NovaBrunswick, Nov 7, 2017.

  1. NovaBrunswick

    NovaBrunswick Canada Connoisseur


    The Skype dial tone rung out from Jollimore's sleek black laptop as he slipped his equally-dark thin blanket down to his lower torso. The emerging white light from opening the upper screen further up shone like a bright flashlight onto Dartmouth's still-asleep face, irritating him awake.

    "Ugh... What, Jollimore..." he groaned lowly, shielding his sleepy eyes from Jollimore's laptop screen with the back of his hand.

    "Shh, Dartmouth, this is a very important call," Jollimore hushed him. "We gotta sign up for the Alola League."

    "Alola...?" Dartmouth trailed off, being shushed again by Jollimore.

    His answering was greeted by a webcam video of Professor Kukui, whose half-bared figure was somewhat sinisterly illuminated by the bright white backlight from the monitor.

    “Hello, Alola!” the Professor greeted Jollimore, waving to him over the camera.

    “Alola, Professor Kukui,” Jollimore returned his greetings, waving too. Dartmouth stared out towards them with widened eyes of disbelief.

    “So you’re coming to Alola to become Pokémon Trainers, yeah?” the Professor asked Jollimore and Dartmouth. “And you’ll also be getting your Pokédexes and your amulets that are proof of your participation in the island challenge.”

    “Pokémon Trainers? This is like Pokémon Go all over again…” scoffed Dartmouth.

    “No, we’re going to be Pokémon Trainers for real this time. Won’t it be exciting?” Jollimore grinned, and Dartmouth gruffly nodded.

    “Okay, I’m gonna need both of your names for your Trainer Passports. They’ll record all your adventures and achievements here in Alola,” said the Professor.

    Dartmouth shuffled across the bed closer to Jollimore, his white sheet-thin blanket still wrapped across his naked torso. “I’m Dartmouth. Dartmouth McKinnon-Graham,” he stated.

    “And I’m Jollimore. Jollimore Ferrison,” Jollimore followed.

    The Professor wrote down the two teachers’ names onto some paper, the tiny scratches audible through the camera.

    “Alright, now let’s take your pictures. Sit in the square.”

    Dartmouth felt edgy as he glimpsed down at himself, seeing deep red ingrained scars. “With a body like this, I’m not exactly photogenic…”

    “Oh, Dartmouth, it’ll only be from the neck up, you won’t see anything else,” Jollimore reassured him.

    “Okay, you two sit together as still as you can…”

    The Professor readied his camera while Dartmouth and Jollimore sat up straight in front of the screen, Dartmouth scowling and tightly crossing his arms. Jollimore smiled, without grinning, and the camera flashed vibrantly, snapping their photos.

    “I’ll crop your faces separately,” said the Professor.

    At that moment, a sole ray of amber sunshine sneaked through the closed curtains, tinting the room with a light orange.

    “Ah, dawn’s breaking. Alright, I’ll be awaiting your arrival in Alola, hopefully very soon,” noted the Professor. “And then you’ll get to start on your very own journey with Pokémon!”

    “Okay, Professor, see you later,” Jollimore bid goodbye.

    “See ya,” the Professor replied, and he signed off.

    Jollimore clicked the laptop lid closed, and gave Dartmouth a playful jab in the shoulder to spur him on.

    “Gah, I just wanna go back to sleep…” he groaned, trying to fall back onto the bed.

    “Hey, good Pokémon Trainers always start early,” Jollimore winked, and he arose to have a refreshing shower and get dressed into his summer attire.​

    To Be Continued...
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2018
  2. roule

    roule take it all or leave it... I Feel You

    This is a very interesting start! I’m already intrigued by the elements in here, such as the mentioning of Pokemon Go. Does this mean that pokemon doesn’t exist from Jollimore and Dartmouth live? Are they traveling and communicating through multiverses? Maybe I’m just overthinking it, but I’m hooked! My only real problem would be that it’s rather short, even for a prologue. The length kind of deprives us of some character development. For example, you refer to Jollimore and Dartmouth as teachers. But other than that indication, I just thought they were two regular dudes. Maybe have some object in their rooms, a lesson plan or poster of some kind, maybe?

    Also, dialogue isn’t all in one paragraph. For example:

    Would be written like this

    Also, I wouldn’t capitalize professor, unless it’s in front of Kukui’s name.

    Other than that, I’m interested. As I know from experience, we all struggle with grammar in the beginning. You have a very interesting concept, and I’d love to see it continued!
    NovaBrunswick likes this.
  3. Cutlerine

    Cutlerine Gone. Not coming back.

    Interesting start you have here! As a prologue, it certainly does what it's meant to – it sets up for the story, but leaves you with more questions than answers (the recent-seeming scars, the connection between your protagonists and Kukui, all that interesting stuff), which is intriguing. I get the impression that this is the pokémon world, but one in which Go exists, and that's a rather interesting idea in and of itself -- like, Go would fulfil a slightly different role in the pokémon world, I think, which is kinda cool to consider. If that's any indication of how you're going to go about your worldbuilding in this story, then I look forward to seeing what else you've got planned.

    It's fun, too; obviously it's the games' intro, expanded a little, but I quite like that as a device. It could maybe be handled slightly better in a couple of ways, though – like, Dartmouth doesn't seem to be expecting this or anything, which is a little odd given that they're clearly on the other side of the world to Alola and so travelling there for a trainer journey is no small commitment; it isn't the kind of thing you spring on someone as a surprise, especially if they have a job and therefore prior claims on their time, which both Dartmouth and Jollimore do seem to have. Maybe it would come across as more convincing if instead of this being a total surprise for Dartmouth, it was something he'd forgotten about while sleeping? I can see someone who's been woken up at a strange time temporarily forgetting why it was they were doing this.

    I think I'll hold off on any further thoughts for the time being, though – both because I don't want to repeat anything that roule's already pointed out, and because I feel like it would be premature to offer too much critique before I've even seen the first chapter. I look forward to seeing what you intend to do with the story you've begun here!
    NovaBrunswick likes this.
  4. DeliriousAbsol

    DeliriousAbsol Call me Del

    Interesting start. Certainly leaves one interested. You use description well, and I'm a bit curious about Dartmouth's scars. The opening sentence sets up the story nicely.

    I second what's been said that, even for a prologue, it's a bit on the short side. But it does what it's meant to well. Also, Pokemon Go? Wonder if that's more of an easter egg than anything else, or if it's going to come up again? I second Roule with the multiverse idea.

    You really need to split up speech so it's easier to follow who is saying. Each speaker should have their own line/paragraph to make it clearer. Roule's pointed that out nicely already, but I want to second it as it did bug me a fair bit.

    Maybe refer to the two main characters in this sentence as 'them' so you're not using their names too much. It can be a little repetitive. As someone who used to be repetitive herself, I can vouch that these habits can be hard to break.

    Good start so far. Hope to see more from you.
    NovaBrunswick likes this.
  5. JX Valentine

    JX Valentine Ever-Discordant

    Yanno, the first word that comes to mind when reading this prologue is charming. Right off the bat, Dartmouth and Jollimore have some interesting chemistry going on. They bounce off each other so well (like Jollimore responding to Dartmouth's sarcasm with patience and encouragement about their journey ahead ... never mind that comment about being photographed from the neck up), and it's clear that they're a fun balance for one another, with Jollimore being calm, patient, and positive, and Dartmouth being the sarcastic pessimist. Combine that with the prospect of running around in a region geared towards the great outdoors (and thus ~adventure~), and I can only imagine that the kinds of shenanigans these two will get into is going to be fun and peppered with fantastic banter. And of course, I'm already intrigued by Dartmouth's scars and the fact that these two were described as teachers; you give us just enough background to make us wonder exactly how well these two will fare. Or what kinds of shenanigans they've already gotten into.

    (Also, I'm personally intrigued by the fact that these two apparently shared a bed and are also apparently hella comfortable with seeing each other half-naked. Hints of a deeper relationship between the two besides just colleagues, mayhaps?)

    In any case, though, I'm glad roule pointed out literally the only bit of criticism I could come up with. I know it seems minor, but separating paragraphs the way she described can make a huge difference to some readers. It'll help us parse your paragraphs better, and it's got the additional perk of maintaining the flow of a conversation (because characters' lines don't end up bleeding together).

    Tl;dr, interesting start with a pair of fascinating characters. :D Should be fun to see where this goes!
    NovaBrunswick likes this.
  6. NovaBrunswick

    NovaBrunswick Canada Connoisseur

    Chapter 1: Aloha Alola!

    The sapphire seas of Melemele Island swam into view as the cruise ship sailed in. On the pier, hula dancers in Hawaiian garb greeted and graced the disembarking travellers with swaying grass skirts, twanging ukuleles and bright flower leis. Dartmouth and Jollimore stepped out into the cerulean skies, azure ocean, golden sands and tawny sun.

    “Alola!” Jollimore swung his lei excitedly around his neck.

    “Isn’t it Aloha?” Dartmouth sardonically tried to correct him.

    “No, here it’s Alola. Which is the name of the region, funnily enough.”

    Jollimore felt something lightly grasp behind him. “Oh, what’s this?” He whipped around to try to find the mysterious entity.

    Dartmouth peeked behind to find a small, cottony, somewhat floral Pokémon, called Comfey, attached to Jollimore’s lei.

    “Oh. That must be one of the Pokémon from here. Never seen it before.”

    “Maybe we can ask the Professor what it is when we meet him?” Jollimore lit up.

    Speak of the devil, the Professor was standing right at the end of the pier, waving to the two teachers about to turn Pokémon Trainers.

    “Hey! Alola!”

    “Oh, he’s already here!”

    “Well, go say Alola or whatever,” said Dartmouth, who didn’t seem quite as enthusiastic as Jollimore was.

    Jollimore approached the Professor. “Alola, Professor Kukui,” he and Dartmouth both greeted him, shaking hands.

    “Alola is how we say hello in this region, yeah? Fun fact - it’s also the name of the region itself.”

    “I know, he told me that like five seconds ago.” Dartmouth scowled slightly at Jollimore.

    The Professor was amazed. “Whoa, Jollimore man, you already know Alola. You must’ve done loads of planning for your vacation, huh? Well, we’d better get you two ready for your adventures.”

    “Yay! We’re gonna have our own Pokémon!” Jollimore clapped, but Dartmouth didn’t share his zeal.

    “C’mon, my lab isn’t too far from here. Just a few steps across the beach and you’re there.”

    “Well, this doesn’t look much like a laboratory to me…” Dartmouth squinted at the wooden shack and aquaria filled with marine Pokémon from around the world.

    “Maybe it’s an Alolan thing - scientists here are a bit more ‘in tune’ with nature,” remarked Jollimore.

    The two teachers drew close to the flickering lights from the Professor’s computer, where he tapped away on the keyboard.

    “So I’m gonna sign you both up for the Alola League.” He pulled up the official website of the League and started entering the teachers’ details.

    “The island challenge…?” Dartmouth skimmed the screen.

    “Yeah, the island challenge is our rite of passage to becoming Pokémon League Champions in Alola,” Jollimore whispered.

    “How old are you both?” the Professor asked, still typing.

    “I’m 26 and he’s 28,” replied Jollimore, indicating Dartmouth.

    The Professor recorded a few more small details on the database, and pressed a button. His printer whirred into action and began ejecting out the teachers’ Trainer Passports, each with blank pages for stamps and the photos which had been taken earlier.

    “Okay, these are your Trainer Passports. They’ll record all your achievements on your way to the Alola League.” He handed the teachers their Passports, and they flipped through the pages.

    “So I guess we’re Pokémon Trainers now, eh?” Jollimore grinned.

    “Ya got it, cousin.”

    “Cousin…?” Dartmouth tilted his head to the side, but he didn’t have time to answer as Jollimore dragged him outside onto the beach, overflowing with excitement.

    “Next town is just up the hill. You’ll get your first Pokémon there. Welcome to the Alola region!” the Professor announced.

    “C’mon, Dartmouth, let’s go get our Pokémon!” Jollimore called out as he rushed up the lush grassy cliffside hill, and Dartmouth only sighed angrily, trailing behind him.​

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