Deeds of Darkness (PG)

[Ladyumbra]

Well this has been a nice read. I'm still trying to get a good feel for the characters. You've given them distinct personalities so far it's just a matter of expanding on them a bit and you better with each chapter.

merely a pile of turmoil.

those words don't just work together nicely. Turmoil doesn't sound good with pile and merely is an odd word usually used just as mere. A mere spec, a mere dent etc

That's about my only complaint with your phrasing.

I'm looking forward to your next chapter, so far the story is interesting action packed, it keeps me on my toes wondering what will happen next. It's also inspired me to on my pearl game.

later

Umbra

 

[Haruka of Hoenn]

Ladyumbra:

Well this has been a nice read. I'm still trying to get a good feel for the characters. You've given them distinct personalities so far it's just a matter of expanding on them a bit and you better with each chapter.

Thanks, I really appreciate it!

merely a pile of turmoil.

those words don't just work together nicely. Turmoil doesn't sound good with pile and merely is an odd word usually used just as mere. A mere spec, a mere dent etc

It sounded fine when I typed it... but thanks anyway for noticing that!


*Ahem* Its finally making its way over here, after a (long) delay! What is it? Is it a car? Is it a train? Is it a plane? No, it's Chapter 7!

Note: Just as a sneak peek, the next chapter will be featuring a character (two, actually) from Lurking in the Shadows: Lisa's Ultimate Challenge, by DarkPersian479!

Chapter 7​

“Well? Do you like it?”

Ignoring Doctor Christopher’s question, which had been repeated constantly throughout the meal, Dalton kept his eyes fixed on his nearly empty ‘gourmet’ breakfast tray that the doctor had set before him not too long ago. Originally, it had contained a stack of three, golden-brown buttermilk pancakes, a tall glass of creamy white milk, a polished red apple, and to top it all off, a plain paper napkin folded into a complicated, professional-looking form of a Walrein, which was balancing what appeared to be a giant pokeball on its nose. Although he was not that hungry, he did not want Doctor Christopher’s hard work to go to waste. Dalton devoured the syrup-smothered pancakes in less than five minutes, dousing the sticky sweetness of the maple syrup with milk as he worked through his meal. In the end, Dalton was forced to take a few bites out of his apple, which Doctor Christopher thought to be a ‘must’ when it came to breakfast.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away!” he had said to Dalton as he reluctantly ate, shaking his index finger as if he was teaching Dalton a lifelong lesson. “Remember that, and one day you’ll grow up to be just like your ol’ pal!” The doctor had then given Dalton a moderately hard slap on the shoulder. It was still slightly paining Dalton to this very moment as he sat in his bed, absentmindedly staring at his tray, whose intense white color was beginning to burn out his eyes.

“Staring absentmindedly into one spot for more than three seconds is bad for you, young man! It weakens the eyes and the mind,” Doctor Christopher spoke up, breaking the awkward silence between them.

Dalton didn’t even bother looking up into the broad grin that he was sure to be plastered on Doctor Christopher’s pale face. Instead, he was focused on the many faint, distant yells and shrieks that had begun to erupt from faraway rooms. Dalton could hear glass shattering and doors slamming.

“Oh, dear!” Christopher exclaimed, “It doesn’t sound too good out there! I’ll be right back,” he said to Dalton, turning for the door. But Christopher was a second too late; the small white door had already burst open, giving way to none other than Abraham, whom Dalton remembered to be Doctor Christopher’s not-so-pleasant intern.

“Abraham!” Doctor Christopher exclaimed, his face brightening up immediately at the sight of Abraham, but that smile soon faltered into a grimace as Abraham stepped into full view.

“Oh, Abraham! I daresay, are you all right?

For the first time in his life, Dalton agreed with Doctor Christopher fully and completely. The small white hat, which should have been on top of his head, was crumpled up into a ball in his large fist. His brown hair was matted and dirty and his overcoat was covered with so many splatters and stains, it almost made him look like a painting. The redness of his eyes and the paleness of his face did nothing to improve his looks as well. His annoyed, raspy voice sent a chill down Dalton’s spine.

“Gee. I don’t know. Do I LOOK all right to you?” Abraham shouted, waving his arms in the air. Apparently he had forgotten he had been holding a hat.

“Oh, Abraham!” Christopher brought his palms to his face, clearly worried. “You didn’t drink chocolate milk before going to bed again, did you?”

Hearing this phrase, Abraham exploded like a bomb, only with ten times more impact.

“I didn’t GO to bed, you imbecile! I spent all last night waking all the helpless victims with that Lunar Wing on your orders, and now they’re complaining for food! There’s a riot going on in the lobby as we speak!”

Abraham paused for a few moments, taking deep, long breaths. Dalton could see the vein in Abraham’s forehead throbbing rapidly. Christopher, ignoring all signs of Abraham’s anger and stress, pressed his finger to his chin.

“Well, if the patients are hungry… why don’t you give them some food?”

At this, Abraham scowled. “Do you not think I tried? Because I did, yes-sir-ee- I did! But our stupid boss had to donate all of our stupid shipment to the stupid military! And when I checked the kitchen for some decent buttermilk pancakes earlier this morning, the supply was all cleared out! The same thing with the milk, and our fruit! Even worse, all of our napkins are gone! Someone must’ve used up every single last one of them! I even checked for some-”

“Easy, easy!” Christopher said, before Abraham could finish his rant. His face was now also covered in splatters, which had landed upon him by Abraham’s waving arms. “I can assure you all those objects were put to…. uh…. a very good use!” he assured. Even though it was hard to notice, Dalton sensed some guilt in the doctor’s tone as he tried to calm his assistant.

Abraham’s eyes narrowed, as if they were looking right through Christopher’s mind, reading the thoughts that were etched into it.

“You…!” he said, pointing a shaking finger at Christopher, who made an effort to remain still.

“Y-yes?”

“YOU were the one who used up all the last of those products?” There was rising anger bubbling in his voice, ready to shoot out at any moment and knock the whole world unconscious.

“Maybe…” Christopher rocked back and forth on his feet, hands behind his back.

At this moment, Dalton’s hands were up in the air, ready to be slammed against his ears. He had been expecting an explosion equal to the one back in Route 203, but surprisingly it did not come. Abraham, too, looked ready to implode, but instead he just sighed and sulked his shoulders, deciding that it was no use.

“Don’t say anything, Abraham. It’ll just make the situation worse…” he mumbled to himself, staring off into space. “Just go crawl back behind your desk, where your opinion has just as much effect as it does here…”

Abraham began to turn for the door, but stopped in mid-step. His right hand dug into the pocket of his splattered overcoat, and emerged with a shiny, crescent-shaped object.

“Oh, and here’s your Lunar Wing, I don’t need it anymore,” he then flicked the shimmering Lunar Wing across the room like a quarter, smack into Christopher’s open hands.

“Why, thank you Abraham!” he said, “But this doesn’t belong to me!” Christopher then turned to Dalton, who, for the last three minutes, seemed to be forgotten in the background.

“Hike!” Christopher shrieked, in a bad imitation of a professional quarterback. Taking a stance, he attempted to spiral the Lunar Wing to Dalton, who would have lost an eye if he hadn’t put his hands up to catch the Wing.

“Watch where you’re throwing that!” Abraham yelled. “See, this is why I don’t like to leave you alone with sharp objects!” he complained. “Anyways, I’ll be in the kitchens, trying to get those lazy cooks to get cooking before the mobs of people tear this hospital down to its foundation.”

With a single slam of the door, Abraham had left the room, and silence was resumed. Dalton was already accustomed to the frequent clangs and splatters that were all too common within the environment where he sat, but he did take notice to a sudden crash, and slamming of doors that stood out from the rest.

Doctor Christopher jumped, clearly taking notice to the noise. “Oh, dear! What on earth was that?” He held his palm to his heart dramatically.

Before Dalton could do as much as shrug, the door burst open again. However, this time it yielded not to Abraham, but to another man. He wore the same exact uniform as Abraham did, however the man was much shorter and looked several years younger than the ill-tempered intern. In his hands was a small clipboard, from which a ballpoint pen attached to a chain was dangling. His messy black bangs were draped over his face, nearly covering his bespectacled eyes.

“Doctor…!” the man shouted to Christopher breathlessly, as if he had just finished a marathon. “…. Young girl…. just came in… needs… immediate…”

“Hold your horses there, Greg! We can’t understand a word you’re saying!” Christopher chuckled.

Without hesitation, the man collapsed into the chair that was standing by the doorway, and took a single deep breath.

As the man rested, Christopher turned to Dalton and whispered in his ear, “By the way, that’s Greg! He works at the front desk in the lobby!”

Dalton nodded, as if he understood. Greg,

“And nobody but me knows the amounts of high blood pressure this brings every single day!” Greg said. The man had now stood up, and was now making his way toward Christopher. He leaned over to the doctor, with an unusually urgent and concerned expression etched onto his face. He didn’t make an effort to keep his voice quiet.

“A girl just got sent in. Ten years old, at the maximum. Apparently she had been battling the gym leader, Roark, when Darkrai had come upon them.”

The smile on Christopher’s face began to slowly fade away.

At this, Christopher gasped. “Oh my! What happened to that poor girl? Is she all right?”

Greg shrugged. “Well, it’s obvious what happened to her, isn’t it? Darkrai came in, bursting the whole front entrance to the gym open, smack in the middle of their battle. Put them both to sleep, as well as the rest of the people who were watching the battle.”

“Well, I had expected Roark to do at least something to stop Darkrai. After all, he is the gym leader!” Doctor Christopher piped up.

“Nobody can stand up to a giganto pokemon who’s up in your face ready to shoot at you at any second. Face it,” said Greg, folding his arms.

“True…” Christopher agreed, rubbing his chin in deep thought.

“Anyway, I’ve got the girl and Roark up on the second floor in Room 167, an-” Greg began, but he was cut off by a gasping Christopher.

“You mean that Roark is in here? Here, in Oreburgh Central Hospital?” There was rising joy in Christopher’s voice as he looked at Greg hopefully.

“Well, of course, Doctor!” Greg said. “Where else would he be?”

“Oh, nothing…!” Christopher stammered, staring at the floor. “It’s just that Roark is my favorite gym leader and such…”

At this, Greg started to laugh. Dalton too, couldn’t help but suppress a chuckle.

“Then this is your lucky day, my friend! The problem is, though, it’s not Roark’s lucky day. Or that poor girl’s,” Greg said. In one second, all the humor had vanished from his tone.

“And why is that?” asked Christopher.

“Because! Without something to wake them up, or Roark and that poor girl are as good as dead! They’ll be sleeping for an eternity without something to wake them!” In a huff, Greg began pacing the room in panic and distress, hands behind his back.

Christopher just smiled as he watched Greg. He then turned to Dalton. “Why don’t you show Greg what you found the day before?”

Dalton felt the cool edges of the Lunar Wing against his palm. Given no other choice, he held the glistening wing up for Greg to see.

The man’s eyes widened. “That’s the… Why, that’s the Lunar Wing!” He stammered, turning to Dalton. “How on earth did you find this?”

Dalton sighed, knowing exactly what would come next.

“I found it on the ground while I was walking in Route 203.”

For a few moments, Greg remained silent. An instant later, the man was on the floor laughing so hard, that Dalton was sure he’d suffocate at any moment.


“But I did!” Dalton persisted to the man, “Why won’t you believe me?” Christopher gave Dalton a pat on the back.

“Don’t worry, it’s not your fault! He asked, you answered! And this is what he gets for asking.”

Dalton looked at Christopher questioningly, for he had not understood a single word Christopher had said.

It took Greg a few minutes to stop laughing. When he had finally collected himself into one piece, he came over to Christopher once more, his face red with embarrassment.

“Sorry about that. I just can’t figure out how this man can find a rarity like that on the ground! It’s just not natural!” he apologized. “Anyway, do you think I could borrow that for a few minutes?” Greg asked, turning to Dalton.

“Um… sure, I guess…” Dalton handed the Lunar Wing over to Greg, who still had a tint of disbelief in his expression as he flipped it in his small hands.

“Well!” Christopher spoke up, “Now that we have that taken care of… who here has a paper and pen I can borrow?” he asked, giving both Greg and Dalton a questioning look.

Greg sighed. “Hold your horses, Christopher!” he said, in a perfect imitation of what Christopher had said to him when he had came into the room, “If you can just wait a few more hours, I promise you we’ll have Roark wide awake!”

“You got it!” Christopher said brightly.

“Oh, and we have a soldier’s uniform in the dryer for some reason. Any idea on whose it might be before I toss it out?” Greg said as he turned for the door.

“Oh, um… I guess that’s mine,” Dalton stammered. “When can I have it back?”

A grin spread across Greg’s face. “In that case, hurry up and get dressed, young man!”

“Yes, sir,” Dalton said.

 

[DarkPersian479]

Only two bits of grammar that caught my attention:

“I can assure you all those objects were put to…. uh…. a very good use!” he assured.

who would have lost an eye if he hadn’t put his hands up

Wow... the wait was long but it was definitely worth it There's another (now infamous fic) that has a well-known crazy and random character, but let it be known that Doc Christopher predates that one. I actually prefer his style of crazy antics, because they're amusing and entertaining but not too over the top, like a certain other fanfic character on these forums. Overall it makes for a very enjoyable read. Of course, I've been pleasantly surprised with this fic from the start, and I've been able to talk with the author at length about both of our respective fics and

Spoiler: SPOILER FOR BOTH FICS

the roles that each of our respective characters will play in the other's story

Because I feel I'm obligated to note one area of improvement, I'll just say that there were opportunities to show the thoughts of the characters. A couple of examples:

“Maybe…” Christopher rocked back and forth on his feet, hands behind his back.

"Oh, boy... here it comes now... He's gonna blow his top in three... two... one..."

At this moment, Dalton’s hands were up in the air, ready to be slammed against his ears. He had been expecting an explosion equal to the one back in Route 203, but surprisingly it did not come. Abraham, too, looked ready to implode, but instead he just sighed and sulked his shoulders, deciding that it was no use.

And,

The man’s eyes widened. “That’s the… Why, that’s the Lunar Wing!” He stammered, turning to Dalton. “How on earth did you find this?”

Dalton sighed, knowing exactly what would come next. "He isn't gonna believe me... He'll probably think I'm crazy or something..."

“I found it on the ground while I was walking in Route 203.”

It seems like a small thing, but used well, thoughts can really bring out a character's personality.

Now, for the highlights of the chapter:

Originally, it had contained a stack of three, golden-brown buttermilk pancakes, a tall glass of creamy white milk, a polished red apple, and to top it all off, a plain paper napkin folded into a complicated, professional-looking form of a Walrein, which was balancing what appeared to be a giant pokeball on its nose.

Talk about five-star service! And who says hospitals don't offer gourmet dining?

“Oh, Abraham!” Christopher brought his palms to his face, clearly worried. “You didn’t drink chocolate milk before going to bed again, did you?”

Hearing this phrase, Abraham exploded like a bomb, only with ten times more impact.

“I didn’t GO to bed, you imbecile! I spent all last night waking all the helpless victims with that Lunar Wing on your orders, and now they’re complaining for food! There’s a riot going on in the lobby as we speak!”

LOL!!! Poor Abraham... always having to clean up after Christopher's "messes," so to speak.

“Hike!” Christopher shrieked, in a bad imitation of a professional quarterback. Taking a stance, he attempted to spiral the Lunar Wing to Dalton, who would have lost an eye in he hadn’t put his hands up to catch the Wing.

I know of several college football teams that would be dying for Christopher's talent!

I enjoyed this chapter very much, late as it might have been (and the delay is understandable) and I'm looking forward to the next one! Of course, because my characters will be appearing next time, but throughout this has been a pleasure to read

 

[Neko Godot]

Nyah, new chapter~

Well, I really like any interactions involving the doc and Abraham. They're like the original odd couple. XD

Only thing that kinda bothers me about this fic is that for a Pokemon fanfic, it hasn't really greatly involved any Pokemon other than Darkrai yet. D=

 

[Tezza]

Alrighty then, lets have a look at Deeds of Darkness. Firstly, a good title, intriguing even if the ‘darkness’ part is a little cliché. Still it draws me in.

While I do applaud your effort in good description the first sentence is going overboard. It’s so cluttered with adjective and adverbs it just doesn’t flow right. In writing, sometimes less is more. Its using the least amount of words with the greatest amount of impact. Some of these words are synonyms so aren’t necessary. Ditto with the word repletion of ‘began’. Rereading will pick these things up. While it may sound poetic the reader has to slough through it to get to the necessary details. This is called Purple Prose writing and is to be avoided as much as scripty writing.

For example your first paragraph while still giving the same imagery in the readers head could be rearranged

The dark clouds that hung over Sinnoh like a heavy blanket to gradually faded as the first rays of dawn pierced them. Soon people and pokemon would wake from their slumber and as the light cast across the landscape the ocean melted from murky black to sparkling blue.


Still your ahead of most first time writers by a mile, but to avoid the purple prose once you’ve reached this stage go back through your writing and delete the chunky or clichéd descriptions (like ‘pitch black’). Sometimes the less dramatic words like ‘murky’ instead of ‘pitch’ will have more effect because they’re more realistic to the reader.

Dark fics tend to be more sinister because they take a more realistic take on their story, because reality is far more disturbing then the cute little snapshot life the anime paints. So if you want the full effect use earth logic rather than ‘it’s prettier’ approach.

Pokémon are a good example. Rather then impressing human qualities on them, think of them like animals with their own little niche. They can’t all be diurnal and animals, except for big predators rarely sleep as we do. Having eight hours of ‘deep slumber’ isn’t the best survival strategy, nor would ‘dancing’ out on the surface where there’s a whole lot above you and a whole lot below you where attacks can come from. Nature isn’t savage but it is heartless. If you can think of it that way your audience will be that more creeped out and more likely to think ‘that could happen!!!’ Basically most behaviour can be narrowed down to the pursuit of food, safety or sex.

Similarly, if something is of importance it’s going to have a name just for the purpose of cartography and mapping, especially one of infamy. Again, try and get the mix of realism and artistic license just right so the reader can accept both.

It’s a fantastic introduction. You have the basics down pat. Spelling, punctuation and paragraphing, all perfect. However the dark atmosphere being painted isn’t having all the impact it could because it’s just a little too over-described, over-dramatised. When in doubt, close your eyes and imagine what would happen if it everything was set here on earth. In your minds eye, don’t imagine it as an anime but as a live-action.

I hope my crit hasn’t discouraged you in anyway. Honestly, it’s a brilliant start to a fic but if ever there’s a rewrite perhaps use these hints to refine what’s already a gem.

~Cheers

Tez
PS. I wrote this offline a while ago and forgot but thought you might appreciate it nether the less. I've got more on the other chapters if you'd like them too.

 

[Haruka of Hoenn]

*Drumroll* Aaaaand, now presenting... Chaper 8! This one will be featuring two characters from DarkPersian479's fic: Lisa and her little sister Lindsay!

Before you read, however, I'd like to mention that there will be some light swearing. Not too much, but there will be a few words here and there. (It's mostly at the middle-end of the chapter, btw.)

Enjoy!

Chapter 8​

Come on plane, land! a young girl whispered frantically to herself, repeatedly glancing back and forth from the small round window of the plane and the medium-sized black PDA she was clutching tightly in her hand. According to its brightly lit screen, the time was approximately 10 o’clock; exactly fifteen minutes after the plane should have landed. Her other hand was nervously pulling at her white pantyhose. The girl's gold necklace had the name "Lisa" in a gold script, revealing her name.

“Darn air currents…” Lisa swore under her breath glancing worriedly at her PDA’s clock, “I told that pilot that he should’ve gone too the west for three miles to avoid that jet stream! Now he’s wasted fifteen precious minutes…” Looking down, she had realized that her nervous fidgeting had left a nasty run on her left leg. Lisa scowled.

“Great... just what I DON'T need right now...” Lisa continued to squirm, wrinkling up both her blue floral dress and green lace-trimmed cardigan.

Setting her PDA on her lap, she pulled at the wide brim of her white hat, somehow avoiding upsetting the delicate purple ribbon that decorated it. After what had seemed like an eternity, the large gray 747 finally touched down on the runway of a huge airport. With the jet already on the ground and at the gate, Lisa was permitted to unbuckle.

“That flight from Greenville-Spartanburg took forever…” she said, shoving her PDA into the small yellow handbag that was lying next to her. Upon getting up, Lisa scanned her area one more time with her eyes, double-checking to make sure she did not leave anything behind. Once she was done, Lisa finally headed out of the plane’s exit door.

“Thank you,” she said as she passed by the tall pilot, who was standing outside by the steps. Not bothering to glance backwards to the waving man, Lisa kept her eyes locked forward on the large airport building up ahead.

With each pounding step her anxiety grew, although it did not show in her vague expression.

Is Lindsay okay? Oh, she better be! I was practically the one who introduced her to Pokemon, so I couldn't handle the guilt if something did happen to her...Please... please be okay... your big sis is here for you...

Thoughts like these were swirling in Lisa’s mind as she pushed open the heavy rotating door that led her into the main airport building. To her dismay, the interior of the large stone gray structure was none less crowded than it was outside. As far as the eye could see, there were people hustling and bustling around, carrying large suitcases in one arm and the hands of crying children in the other.

“Man, I haven’t seen a place so crowded before since last Christmas at the mega mall!” Lisa murmured to herself, jerking her head back and forth.

Yet, the hallway she stood in was packed to such extremity, that Lisa could not see an inch of the carpet beneath her. Nor could she move her feet without stepping onto those of another traveler in the congested bottleneck. Realizing that no planned approach at this problem would do her any good, Lisa sighed, giving in to the fact that she was truly stuck.

“If the architects and engineers who designed this building had actually DONE their homework, they would have known that this hallway is too narrow to accommodate the number of people who pass through this terminal!” she said aloud with much anger, clutching the ends of her floral print dress tightly in her fists, even though few people had actually turned their heads to listen to her.

Lisa, completely absorbed in her fuming thoughts, was too distracted trying to make her way through the wall of travelers. All of a sudden, a booming voice called out and attracted the attention of everyone in the terminal. It had about twenty times more impact, and made Lisa’s shout seem nothing more than a whisper.

“I have waited two hours! TWO ENTIRE HOURS! And all that got me was one step further in line! You people have GOT to be KIDDING me!”

Silence followed as everyone, including Lisa, turned their attention toward the left side of the terminal, where the sudden outburst had originated. There stood a tiny man, hardly visible to Lisa behind the heads and hats of the taller people in front of her. He wore a plain gray-checkered suit and a black tie that looked ten times too big for him. His tiny hands were clenched in spherical fists, his face red with stress and anger. He stood on a chair, giving the crowd a livid stare.

“Do you people REALIZE that I have an extremely important meeting in Snowpoint? Huh? DO YOU?” he shouted, waving his arms in the air so rapidly, Lisa was amazed that they didn’t fall off.

“Well, SOMEBODY forgot to show up for anger management class!” a lady shouted in response, from somewhere in the front.

At the sound of her voice, the man looked down. “FOR YOUR INFORMATION, MISS, I TAKE ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES THREE TIMES A WEEK!”

Lisa had to literally clasp her hands over her mouth to stop herself from giggling at this. Really, now? she thought to herself.

“Well, maybe you should go back, and stay there this time!” someone else shouted, this time from the far left side of the room.

“Whoever said that, SHUT YOUR YAP, AND MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!” the man yelled even louder, which Lisa thought to be impossible. “I have an important meeting to attend to, AND I DO NOT NEED YOUR SUPPORT!”

“Oh, enough about your stupid meeting already! You’re just gonna have to wait here like the rest of us, who have just as important things to do!” a lady shouted, waving her purse in the air threateningly.

“I am gonna miss my plane to Hoenn if I don’t get the hell outta here in five minutes! And I have a wife and five children already waiting for me in Slateport!” another man shouted, “And you say, your little meeting is important! If it’s anything that matters, it can wait!”

The man on top of the chair narrowed his eyes for, if it was even possible, a more threatening look with his face all scrunched up, and his yellow teeth bared in a cougar-like manner.

“For your information, idiot man, my meeting is TEN TIMES MORE IMPORTANT than your stupid little vacation spree!

Lisa, of course, could not see much of what was going on, but she could tell that the man who had talked earlier had stepped forward.

“Did you just call me an idiot?” he threatened. Lisa, imagining him raising a fist, scowled.

Oh great… NOW the war begins. Am I ever gonna get out of here? Lisa sighed, for there was little she could do but stand there and watch.

“Well, I ain’t callin’ you a fairy princess!” To everyone’s surprise, the man jumped down from his chair.

“I have HAD it with you senseless people! I’m gonna get to that meeting, AND NO ONE’S GONNA STOP ME!” With that, he ran – literally ran – into the crowd like an angry bull in the direction of the exit door leading to the airplanes, and started shoving people out of his way as he went along. And the people around Lisa, apparently deciding that it was okay for them to push as well, started forcing their way up front.

Great, just what I need! Lisa angrily thought. First it was the late plane, then it’s the narrow hallway, and now this! Am I ever gonna get out of here?

“MOVE IT, MOVE IT, LET’S GO, LET’S GO!” someone shouted nearby.

Without warning, Lisa was shoved backward and sent skidding in the direction of a wall.

“Whoa, whoa!” She flailed her arms and stumbled to her feet, trying to keep her balance without hitting the wall.

Oh well, guess I better start shoving too if I ever want to make it out alive!

Lisa braced herself and heaved a sigh as she looked around. There were people of all ages, races, heights, and colors, all pushing and rushing about. Occasionally, someone ‘accidentally’ bumped into Lisa, causing her yellow handbag to slip out of her grip and fall to the floor. There, it would be stepped on and kicked around like a football with Lisa running around, half-bent to the ground in search of it.

“What kind of engineer designed this place?” Lisa exclaimed in a huff, dusting off all the dirty show marks off of her purse. It had gone from bright lemon yellow to dim brown-yellow in only a few falls, and was covered in brown dirt marks and crumbs that had been picked up off the carpet.

“And if it weren’t for that weird guy, I’d be having a much easier exit right now!”

Strapping the handle of her purse over her shoulder tightly and clutching the handle of her rolling luggage bag, Lisa dared to move on.

“Ow! Watch it!”

“Hey, THAT WAS MY FOOT!”

“Aw, look! My drink is all over the floor! YOU OWE ME FIVE BUCKS! Hey, come back here girl!”

“Watch it! Can’t you see I have a baby in a stroller here?”

“Ouch! Watch where you put those heels!”

Comments like these erupted like magma from a volcano as Lisa made her way through the crowd with much assertion. There was little to do but take a quick glance backwards, shout a quick “Sorry!” and tug on. This dragged on for several minutes, with Lisa being pushed one way and pulled another. Soon enough, though, her eyes caught a glimpse of a red ‘Exit’ sign only a few yards away.

“Finally, I can exit this chaotic building!” Lisa murmured to herself. Now standing by the heavy rotating entrance doors, Lisa reached into her handbag, out of which she pulled out a small purple cell phone. Flipping it open, she dialed a number and put the phone to her ear.

“Hello? Yes, yes, I would like a taxi to pick me up from Jubilife National Airport, 10079 Beckwood Avenue! Yes right now, when else? Okay, hurry!”

For about five more minutes, Lisa stood against the wall, glancing back and forth from her PDA’s clock feature and back again to the bustling city outside. Finally, she could see a bright yellow taxi pulling up in front of the airport. Heaving a sigh of relief, Lisa pushed the wooden door open and scurried to the taxi, where a young man in a black cap awaited her, with the passenger door open for her.

“May I take your bags, Miss Northwood?”

“Here,” Lisa handed over her backpack and her large luggage bag to her driver, but kept her yellow purse in her hands. Once all her luggage was in the trunk, Lisa crawled into the backseat.

“Okay, where shall we be going to today, Miss Northwood?” the driver asked politely, hands on the steering wheel.

“Take me to Oreburgh Central Hospital, pronto! I have a sister waiting there for me!”

“Right away, Miss Northwood!” the driver said, twisting the key to start the engine. “Fasten your seatbelt!”

And with one loud screech of tire against pavement, they were off.

- - - - - - - - - -

“Well,” the police chief said with a single sigh, folding his arms on the polished wooden desk, “I’m afraid there isn’t much we can do for you girls.”

“But please,” Sadie begged, trying to hold back the tears that were welling up in her eyes, “Can’t you at least give the location of the hospital?”

“Look, I’m not supposed to give out this information. Besides, the paramedics that took the Sandgem victims didn’t reveal where they were actually going. But I think that the trucks that were parked there said something about an ‘Oreburgh Central’, if that’ll do you any good,” he said, glancing at the two girls.

Suddenly, Rena’s face lit up, for the first time in hours. “Hey, Sadie, I know a place called Oreburgh Central Hospital! That’s where my gramps went to for foot surgery!”

“Really? Awesome, Rena! Do you know where the hospital is in Oreburgh?”

“Um… I think it was somewhere on Second Avenue, Central Street… Heh! That’s why they call it Oreburgh Central!”

Sadie sighed. “This is no time for jokes, Rena. We’ve gotta find that hospital!” Then, she slowly turned to Officer Garret, who was standing by the doorway, his arms crossed sternly.

“Um... would you please drive us there? We have no one else…” Sadie asked quietly.

The immense man sighed. “Well, I’ve got about an hour and a half for lunch break, so I s’ppose I could give you girls a ride. But I can’t be there to pick you up, so you two are alone on that one.”

“Oh, thank you so much, Officer!” Sadie said, as the two girls followed the policeman to his car.

 

[DarkPersian479]

Just a few corrections here. Only one's grammar related; the others simply address some awkward-sounding sentences.

I told that pilot that he should’ve gone to the west

Yet, the hallway she stood in was packed so tightly,

the man yelled even louder, which Lisa thought was impossible.

You’re just gonna have to wait here like the rest of us, who have things just as important to do!

And with one loud screech of tires against pavement, they were off.

I would like to stress to other readers that even though we did work together on this chapter, the author was responsible for much of Lisa' characterization here. With that said:

I told that pilot that he should’ve gone top the west for three miles to avoid that jet stream! Now he’s wasted fifteen precious minutes…

If the architects and engineers who designed this building had actually DONE their homework, they would have known that this hallway is too narrow to accommodate the number of people who pass through this terminal!

Lisa's nerdy nature was captured very well! Kudos for keeping her very much in character!

The description was nicely done and actually reminded me of an airport experience I had recently.

And you've really improved with showing the thoughts of characters as events unfold. I do have a minor gripe with it, though, and it actually involves structure:

Sometimes you have the thoughts in italics with no quotation marks, and other times they're italicized with the quotation marks. Either way is acceptable, but you should choose one or the other and stick with it.

Other than that, I enjoyed this chapter. You were able to handle a character who was not your own and do an excellent job in bringing out her character to be consistent, and you've improved quite a bit in showing character thoughts. Despite a couple very minor gripes, it was very well done!

 

[Haruka of Hoenn]

Lisa's nerdy nature was captured very well! Kudos for keeping her very much in character!

Thanks! (Although I did have some help... )

The description was nicely done and actually reminded me of an airport experience I had recently.

I can imagine how that would've gone... Crowded airports are not a good thing, people!

Sometimes you have the thoughts in italics with no quotation marks, and other times they're italicized with the quotation marks. Either way is acceptable, but you should choose one or the other and stick with it.

Well... I actually use the quotations when the speaker is muttering to himself or herself, but I'll try to just stick to one in the chapters to come!

Other than that, I enjoyed this chapter. You were able to handle a character who was not your own and do an excellent job in bringing out her character to be consistent, and you've improved quite a bit in showing character thoughts. Despite a couple very minor gripes, it was very well done!

Thank you! Your review was also greately appreciated!

 

[Saphira_Thorn]

The prologue alone is enough to grab my attention.

Anyway, time for the mistakes…

pokemon

Should be ‘Pokémon’.

suns

You did okay on the first version of this, but it should be ‘sun’s’.

complaints to the government about mysterious disappearings

Should be ‘disappearances’.

All in all, a very interesting and eye-catching story so far. I look forward to seeing what happens next.

One day, after wiping out twenty soldiers and sparing fifty pokemon, Darkrai had just about enough. Soon would be its time to make a comeback that would forever change the world of Pokemon.

This bit alone is definitely intriguing enough for me to want to keep reading. Please add me to your PM List, if you have one.

 

[Haruka of Hoenn]

Saphira Thorn:

pokemon

Should be ‘Pokémon’.

suns

You did okay on the first version of this, but it should be ‘sun’s’.

complaints to the government about mysterious disappearings

Should be ‘disappearances’.

Strange, cause Word didn't notice those... but your help is appreciated! I'll fix those right away...

All in all, a very interesting and eye-catching story so far. I look forward to seeing what happens next.

Thanks! The ninth chapter is progressing well, and I don't think it'll take too long.

Please add me to your PM List, if you have one.

Sure, I'll add you! *Rushes to edit PM list*

BTW: Expect Chapter 9 to be up in a few days, if not then on Friday or Saturday.

 

[Haruka of Hoenn]

OMG CHAPTER 9 IS UP!!!!!11!!! Yes, it's one of my longer ones, but this is the major turn of events for the characters. I won't spill too much, though.... Enjoy!

Chapter 9​

“Name, please?”

“Sadie Catherwood and Rena Bedford,” Sadie said to the small man behind the reception counter. Almost as soon as she did so, Sadie felt an elbow push against her shoulder, and Rena’s hot breath blow against her ear.

“Hey, why do I always have to get mentioned last, Sadie? It’s like you’re Batman and I’m Robin or something! I don’t get what the big deal is with mentioning me last. It makes me sound like your idiot sidekick. And come on, Sadie, you know how much I hate being the sidekick! They’re totally ignored, and underestimated… I, for one, think that this is really – ”

“Ssshh! Rena, please don’t, not now! We’re probably in enough trouble already… Plus, what about my mom? I have to check on her!” Sadie whispered back impatiently.

“Fine!” Rena sighed playfully, folding her arms. “But if you start selling Superhero Sadie action figures and Rena in Rags dolls… well… let’s just say I’m gonna take back that bracelet I gave you back in kindergarten!”

With a sigh, Sadie turned back to the reception counter, and stood on her toes to make her face and the man’s face level.

“Um, may I please visit someone? Her name is Katherine Catherwood, but I’m not sure what room she’s staying at,” Sadie said.

The man looked down, and immediately began shuffling through some papers that were scattered among his desk, murmuring “Catherwood… Catherwood,” to himself as he went along. After a few seconds his face finally re emerged at the top of the counter, and Sadie could see a paper in his hand.

“Well, according to this paper that I just fished out of the trash can, it says that Miss Catherwood is staying at Room 479 and is currently sharing a room with… Lindsay Northwood, if I’m correct?”

“Um… okay,” Sadie said, “But can we still visit?”

The man sighed, and took off his glasses. “I’m afraid not. Miss Catherwood is doing better but the girl, I’m afraid, is still in critical condition, and has not regained consciousness yet. Normally, I would let you two visit, but we can’t have anybody visiting a patient who is still sleeping.”

At this, Sadie’s bubble of hope burst with a pop that could be heard in China. But at the same time, a new one swelled up at the brimming thought of her mother being okay.

What a relief! Sadie thought to herself, But what about that poor girl? Oh, I do hope she’ll be okay too…

“So…? What’d he say?” Rena asked eagerly.

A grin spread across Sadie’s face, the first time in days. “He said that my mom is doing better!” she exclaimed. “But…” the tone of her voice suddenly changed from happy to hopeless, “There’s another girl in there, and we can’t go visit.”

Rena rolled her eyes. “Drat! Why did they have to put her in the same room? It’s not like this hospital doesn’t have any more room left! Boy, that would suck.”

Sadie sighed in agreement. “Well, I guess we have no business here anymore. Let’s find that officer and ask him to take us back.”

“Back where?” Rena said, nearly shouting. “There’s nowhere else for us to go!” She collapsed into a nearby waiting chair.

“Face it, Sadie. We can’t go home cause there’s nobody there. We can’t stay at this dumb hospital overnight because that would be just… weird cause we’re not sick or anything. And we can’t keep traveling with that officer cause he can only drop us off, not pick us up! Now we’re stuck in this crummy hospital with nothing to do, and no one to do it with.”

Sadie opened her mouth, ready to say something, but nothing came out. Deep down inside, although she dreaded the mere presence of this thought, she knew that Rena was right.

Where are we gonna go? Who’s gonna supervise us? We can’t just go out on the streets while my mom’s in the hospital! And who knows when she’ll get out! Days, weeks… months, maybe? I can’t last that long! Oh, what are we gonna do?

A feeling of loneliness and fear swept over her like a cold mist. It penetrated her skin, and flooded her heart. She fell into the chair next to Rena. Rena, noticing her friend’s grief and agony, put a comforting arm around her.

“Aww, cheer up, Sayds! It’s not that bad! Hey! I think I see a table with cupcakes! A plate filled with yummy cupcakes! Come on, you know how much you love cupcakes! Vanilla icing? Flavored sprinkles? Eh? Come on Sadie! Okay, fine your new nickname is Sad-ie! Get it? Sad? Ha!” Rena started cracking up at her own little joke.

“But there’s nowhere else to go…!” Sadie said faintly.

Rena considered her friend’s words for a moment, pausing her laughter. “Yeah, you’re right… Hey, could you hand me that magazine over there?”

With a sigh, Sadie slapped her arm on the nearby table, groped around for any random magazine, and threw it to Rena.

“Thanks!” With that, Rena buried her face in the pages with much interest, completely switching her attention from Sadie to the large periodical. After a few moments of dead silence between the two girls, Rena looked up and turned to her friend.

“Oh, come on, Sadie. Grab a magazine, relax, and be happy to be alive! You can only be a kid once, you know.”

“I know Rena, but – ” Sadie began, but was unexpectedly cut off by a crash of door-against-wall. The room was in total silence, and all heads were turned to the front of the lobby where a young girl stood, panting and wheezing. She wore a blue floral dress, a green cardigan on top of that, and white pantyhose. At once, she rushed to the front counter.

“Excuse me sir, but I would like to see Lindsay Northwood, if that’s possible?” Her voice was frantic and nervous.

At the sound of the name, Sadie nudged Rena in the shoulder. “Rena, that girl Lindsay is the one sharing the room with Mom!” she whispered.

At once, Rena’s face lit up. “Yeah! That girl must be her sister or something!”

“I’m sorry,” the man behind the counter said to the girl, “Lindsay Northwood is in critical condition right now, and we cannot accept any visitors.”

His reply took the girl by surprise. "What?! What do you mean?! I'm her SISTER! Don't tell me she's doing so bad that I can't... can't see her..." She gave an angry grunt and folded her arms. The man took a deep breath.

“I – I’m truly… sorry, Miss, but we cannot accept any visitors for patients who are in critical condition!” Seeing the irritated expression on the girl’s face, he added, “ Regardless of their relationship to the patient.”

Rena leaned over to Sadie. “Harsh, much!” she whispered.

Realizing defeat, the girl sighed. "Okay... but if anything happens with her condition, I want to be the first to know. I guess I'll just stay here and wait for any news..." Sulking, she made her way to the waiting chairs and collapsed into one not far from Sadie.

At once, Rena kneeled on her to make herself more visible. “Hey, pssssst! Over here! Hey, you! Psssssssssssst!” She started waving her arms and whispering loudly in a failed effort to get the girl’s attention. “Come on, yoo-hoo! Over here! Hey!” She managed to turn several surprised heads, but the girl just sat there, staring at her shoes and minding her own business. Yet Rena’s persistence was that of a sturdy steel pole.

“Hey! Psssssst! Over here! Helloooo! Yooooooo-hoooo! Hey! Heeeey!”

Taking a deep breath, Sadie turned to her friend. “People are staring, Rena! Get down from the chair!”

Rena paused in her ineffectual waving. “Can’t you see I’m trying to get her attention?”

“Well obviously you’re not doing it the right way! Everybody’s paying attention to you expect for her!”

Rena frowned as she looked around the silent room. All eyes were on her. “Oh… well, uh…” Her cheeks reddened as she sat back down. “Okay, you people can go back to what you were doing now!” Rena said loudly, still blushing.

Once everyone had stopped staring at Rena and gone back to what they were doing, Sadie said to her friend, “Here, I’ll show you the right way to do these things!” She got up from he chair and walked toward the girl.

“Um, hello! I’m Sadie Catherwood. What’s your name?” Sadie held out her hand for the girl to shake.

At the sound of Sadie’s voice, the girl looked up. “Oh, hey! I didn’t notice you were there!” She took Sadie’s hand and shook it politely. As she did so, Sadie couldn’t help but notice a glittering necklace bearing the name “Lisa” in gold lettering hanging from the girl’s neck.

“Lisa, right?” Sadie asked suddenly.

The girl looked surprised for a second, but then smiled. “Oh, you must have noticed my necklace! Yeah, I’m Lisa Northwood! I came here when I heard about my sister…”

“Oh,” Sadie frowned a little. “What happened to her, anyway?”

Lisa shrugged. “Well, the last time she called me, she said that she was going to go battle Roark to get her Coal Badge, but –” Her voice trailed off at the end.

“But what?” Sadie asked, showing her interest.

“I don’t really know what happened after that. I never got to talk to her… But there aren’t many things that could knock a ten year old girl and the Gym Leader unconscious, right? What’s even stranger, Roark’s pokemon are gone…”

Sadie was in shock. Roark’s pokemon are… gone? I don’t understand… why would anyone take them?

“Well,” Sadie said aloud, “I’m officially clueless.”

“So am I!” said a sudden voice, making Sadie jump.

“Ack! Rena, that was you?” Sure enough, Rena was standing beside the two girls with her arms crossed, eavesdropping on their conversation for an unknown amount of time.

“Sadie, how could you? You run off and talk to some other girl while your best friend is left behind, cold and alone in the dust?” Rena faked a sob.

“Oh Rena, you know no one will ever replace you! But I’d like you to meet Lisa Northwood! She’s Lindsay’s sister.” Sadie put the two girls face-to-face.

Lisa put her hand forward. “Hey! I’m Lisa Northwood!”

Rena smiled and took Lisa’s hand. “Name’s Rena! I hate my last name, so I won’t bother mentioning it. And now that we have the boring ol’ introductions outta the way, what are we gonna do at this boring hospital?”

For a few moments, the girls just stood in silence, just looking around the lobby as patients checked in, and checked out. People came and went, and the clock seemed to tick faster and faster each second. Time flew by, taking seemingly everyone with it except for Sadie, Rena, and Lisa. Eventually, one of the girls tried to start up a conversation with each other, but nobody seemed willing to talk. Finally, Rena spoke up.

“Okay, we need to find someone who can take us home! We can’t just sit here like hoboes!”

Lisa sighed. “Rena’s right, y’all. Hey!” Suddenly, she snapped her fingers. She began digging onto a small yellow handbag, out of which she pulled a purple cell phone and a small white business card. “I think I have the solution to this problem!”

“What’s that?” Rena asked.

“Taxi Service!” Lisa replied with a grin, flipping open her cell phone. In a few seconds, the grin was erased and a scowl formed. “Oh, great! Just what I need! A dead battery! Just PERFECT…” Lisa grimaced at her blank screen.

Sadie groaned. “Honestly, will we ever get out of here?”

Before she could say anything more, there was a sudden BANG from somewhere in the hospital, followed by a single booming shriek.

“CHRISTOPHER! GET OVER HERE, NOW! THERE ARE ABOUT A HUNDRED RATTATAS IN THIS KITCHEN, AND THEY’RE EATING ALL OUR FOOD!”

“Sheesh!” Rena said, clasping her hands over her ears tightly. “What is that guy’s problem? The Martians are probably having fits right now!”

“Rats?! Goodness that’s terrible!” came another yell. This one has less impact than the first but was still audible throughout the hospital. “I’ll send for the custodian right away!”

Suddenly there was a rushing sound of footsteps as a tall man with frizzy black hair sped by the lobby and into a separate hallway.

“Whoa…! He runs pretty past!” Lisa said, looking at the peculiar man.

“Yeah. He’s probably one of those cooks!” Rena said.

In a few moments he was back, this time followed by a Spanish man in a gray suit carrying a net and a large cage with its lock hanging from the door. He was shouting “This way, this way!” as he ran.
As soon as they exited, the lobby was back to its normal state once more.

“Hey! At least it managed to kill about a minute!” Rena said with mock cheerfulness. “Now we may resume our dull and miserable lives, thank you very much.” With that, she flopped down back into her chair and propped open the magazine she had been reading.

Sadie sighed. “Well, I suppose since there’s nothing else to do, Rena can you hand me that – ”

Before she could finish, yet another scream had erupted from somewhere in the building.

“Oh, GREAT! Now look what you’ve done! They’re running all over the place now, thanks to you! DON’T JUST STAND THERE! DO SOMETHING!”

“Eww!! Now the Rattatas are gonna be all over the place!” Lisa exclaimed, jumping onto a chair frantically. “Geez, are all hospitals in Sinnoh as hectic as this one?!”

Again, the sound of frantic footsteps drew nearer. Sadie could hear millions of high-pitched squeaks. The Rattatas were entering the lobby.

Uh oh…

“Noooo! Wait, wait! Hey! Come back here! Goodness! Where did all these Rattatas come from anyway?”

In an instant, there were screams and shrieks as the mass of tiny purple pokemon poured into the lobby. At once, the frightened creatures scattered across the room, hiding under chairs and gnawing on fake plants with their large front teeth. The lobby was in total chaos – with people screaming at the top of their lungs and children running to and fro with parents chasing after them.

“Ewww! Ewww! Ewww! Oh gosh, why did I wear these shoes today? Ugh! Now they’re gonna be ruined!” Lisa shrieked.

“Okay, calm down!” Sadie assured. “I bet those pokemon are just about as scared of us as we are of them!”

Rena turned to her friend. “But do you want their cute little teeth marks all over your shoe?!” She shouted.

“Point taken. But what do we do? There are hundreds of tiny pokemon scattered on this floor! What if I step on one? Man, I do not want Rattata-goo all over my sneakers! Plus, that would be mean!” Sadie shuddered at this thought.

At the front of the room, the same frizzy-haired man Sadie saw earlier stood with a net and a cage, and wearing large green goggles. “Calm down everybody! I assure you not to panic! Everything will be all right! We just have a, uh… minor infestation!” With a loud war-cry-like yell, he dashed forward with his net arm outstretched. People bounded out of his way, and so did the pokemon.

“Wait, no, wait… Come back here!”

He gave the net several swift swings, almost knocking Lisa’s large white hat clean off her head.

“Hey, watch it! You could have turned my hat into Rattata food!”

“My bad, my bad!” the man shouted. “Ack! That was my finger! Goodness, there are just too many of them!”

“OUTTA MY WAY, OUTTA MY WAY!” came yet another voice from the front of the room. There, barely fitting in the doorway, stood a large, stout man holding the same net and cage as the other. However, he wasn’t wearing goggles as the other man was. “If this means time off from my shift, then let it be so!”

“Ah, Abraham! And you’re just in time to help me catch all these irritating rodents!”

Abraham sighed and muttered something to himself under his breath, too quiet for Sadie to hear. “Just move,” he finally said. He put down the cage in an open spot on the floor, and opened its door wide enough for his hand to fit through. He dropped several cubes of cheese into the cage. “Here, Rattata, Rattata, Rattata. Come get the cheese!”

At once, several Rattatas froze in their tracks, sticking their tiny noses in the air, apparently sensing the cheese’s strong aroma. Immediately, thirty or so pokemon came scurrying to the cage, and Abraham successfully locked it in place while they fought over the food.

“Abraham my man, you are a genius!” The man patted Abraham on his shoulder.

“Yeah… I know.” He said with much self-regard. “Christopher, get a few more blocks of cheese from the kitchen, put them in the cage, and get the rest of these Rattatas outta here.”

“You got it!” Christopher said, immediately hurrying toward the exit.

As soon as Christopher had left, Abraham turned to the rest of the people huddles in the corners and standing on top of chairs. He sighed.

“I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but if you people can just wait for a few minutes, this hospital will be cleared of all rodents. Please return to what you were previously doing. Thank you.”

In a few more minutes, Christopher returned with three other men and a bag full of cheese cubes. “All right, let’s show these pokemon who’s boss!” Over time, all the Rattatas were captured in cages, and there was a cloud of relief throughout the room.

“Whew! Glad that’s over!” Sadie said, taking a deep breath.

“Yeah!” Lisa sighed.

“Hey, look!” Rena pointed to a moderately tall man in a military uniform standing by Christopher and Abraham, “Doesn’t hat man look like a soldier?”

“Yeah…!” Lisa exclaimed, taking a closer look. “Wonder what a solider is doing in a hospital!”

Sadie, meanwhile, couldn’t help but overhear their conversation.

“… Here Dalton, I want you to take this Lunar Wing back. I don’t think we’ll need it anymore!” Christopher handed him a glimmering object.

“Um… well okay, thanks I guess. But what do I need it for?” asked the soldier, flipping it around in his hands.

“Well, you could turn it in to the museum. I’m sure they would pay you quite a lot for that thing!” Abraham said.

“Hey, I have an idea!” Christopher piped up, “You could take it to Celestic Town’s elder! She’ll return it to the spirit of Cresselia for you. Maybe Cresselia needs it more than we do…”

“Have you lost your mind? Celestic is all the way across Mt. Coronet! How on Earth is he supposed to get there?” Abraham exclaimed.

“He’s right.” The soldier said. “I can’t possibly get there alone!”

“Patience, patience! Find someone to go with you!” Christopher said.

“But there’s nobody else! Normally, I could have traveled with my friends, but… well… I was the only survivor in Route 203, and…”

Route 203? Wait a second… that was where the tornado was!

“Well, you can’t stay here, because you’re not a patient anymore! You’re just not allowed to. I’m truly sorry, but you have to go.”

The man sighed. “Well bye, I guess.” He turned to the door, and began walking out.

“Wait!” Before he could leave, Christopher pulled him back. “Before you go, take my business card! It has my cell number and everything on it in case of an emergency! Don’t lose it!”

“Um… thanks!” With that, he turned to leave.

“Hey!” Sadie felt a tap on her shoulder. “I have an idea!” Rena exclaimed.

“Oh great, Rena not another one of your ideas…” Sadie groaned.

Noticing the scowl on her friend’s face, Rena added, “And, no, it won’t get us into loads of trouble this time, promise!”

Sadie finally gave in. “Okay, Rena fire away!”

“Okay, we got here to Jubilife on our bikes, right? So why can’t we get outta here on bike? We don’t need some crummy old car to drive us back to Sandgem! And once we get there, we’ll just camp out until your mom gets back!”

Sadie considered Rena’s words for a moment. “That could actually work… Plus Lisa could stay with us too until her sister is better!”

Apparently overhearing their conversation, Lisa gasped. "Oh come on! There's gotta be a Quality Inn somewhere! Do we have to camp out?”

Sadie shrugged. “Well, if you really want to I guess we can stay in my house if you don’t want to be outside…”

“As long as I have a sturdy roof above me and air conditioning, I’m fine!” Lisa grinned.

“Then it’s settled!” Rena said. “But wait… we only have two bikes. One of us will have to walk.” Their heads slowly turned to Lisa.

“Wha-what? Oh no no no! I can not walk in these shoes much longer! I have been through a crowded airport and one mile of running in these heels! I will not stand to run any more!” She turned to look at Sadie. So did Rena.

“What? No way!”

And so, the war went on. Each girl put up her own argument as to why she should not be the one to walk. In the end, it was decided that Rena, because she was the one who had come up with the idea, should walk. With much reluctance, Rena allowed Lisa on her brand-new bike, and strode alongside Sadie and Lisa on foot as they made their way to Sandgem.

………

Man, I’m never gonna get to Celestic Town on foot! I really wish Bret or someone from my squad group were here right now… I don’t even know the way there! Plus, I have to get through that horrid mountain… Negative thoughts like these clouded Dalton’s mind as he walked down Route 202. He even felt sort of embarrassed, being a soldier for over twenty years, and still not knowing the entire region.

“Hey, wait up!” came a sudden voice from behind him. Dalton froze in his tracks and turned back in surprise.

Behind him were three girls, two of which were on bikes. The third, a red-head, was running on foot, and was far behind the other two. They didn’t seem to notice Dalton, who was standing in the middle of the pathway.

“This is soooo not fair! When I said one of us had to walk, I didn’t mean me!” The girl on foot said.

“Oh, come on Rena! Be a good sport!” the black-haired girl said.

“Yeah! But don’t worry, we’re nearly there!” shouted the other biker. She had bright brown hair and wore a large white hat on top.

The third girl groaned. “Whatever. Hey you two, look! There’s someone there!” she pointed to Dalton. “Stop watching me being tortured and keep your eyes on the road!”

The girls braked just in time, a few feet away from Dalton.

“Hey, weren’t you the one in Oreburgh Hospital?” the brown-hired girl questioned.

“Well, yeah! You were there?” Dalton asked, though he did not recognize these three girls.

“Yeah!” the orange-haired girl remarked. “Man, I can’t believe there were a hundred rats in there! So, where you headed?”

“Well, I’m headed to Celestic Town to return this,” he held up the Lunar Wing, which still glimmered like ocean water.

The girls held puzzled expressions. “What’s that?”

Dalton was in shock, yet relieved at the same time. Well, at least I wasn’t the only one who was clueless about the Lunar Wing…

He began to explain, “Well, this is called the Lunar Wing. It’s a very mysterious object and is used to cure people who are put under Darkrai’s sleeping spell.”

“Darkrai, Darkrai… hey, that’s the pokemon the military was supposed to get rid of! And after like months of trying, they still couldn’t get a hold of that thing!”

“Um… yeah,” Dalton said. “Anyways, that’s not the point. I need to get this thing to the Celestic Town elder, but the problem is that I have no clue how to get there!”

The orange-haired girl grinned. “Well, then you’ve met the right set of girls! Sadie and I know this region like our own houses! We’ve been living here for, like, forever! By the way, I’m Rena and that’s Lisa.” Rea pointed to the brown-haired girl.

“So… what you’re saying is, you can help me get to Celestic Town?” Dalton asked, taken aback for a moment.

“Sure!” Sadie said. “Why not?”

‘Well! Um… all right, I guess. My name’s Dalton, by the way.”

Wasn’t expecting that… Seriously! Three girls suddenly show up and just happen to know this entire region? Although I would’ve preferred Bret, I guess this is okay.

“But we’re still spending the night in Sandgem!” Rena said.

Lisa groaned. "Remember what I said about camping!"

 

[DarkPersian479]

This one had less impact than the first

“But do you want their cute little teeth marks all over your shoe?!” she shouted.

“Yeah… I know,” he said with much self-regard.

Abraham turned to the rest of the people huddled in the corners

“Doesn’t that man look like a soldier?”

“He’s right,” the soldier said.

When I said one of us had to walk, I didn’t mean me!” the girl on foot said.

Rena pointed to the brown-haired girl.

Well, once again, you did a very nice job of handling my character It's always a concern when writing these co-op chapters that your characters are kept in character, but you seem to be doing a fine job of it with only a little help.

“But if you start selling Superhero Sadie action figures and Rena in Rags dolls… well… let’s just say I’m gonna take back that bracelet I gave you back in kindergarten!”

Wait, is Rena related to Doc Christopher in some way? Because the sidekick thing seemed to come out of nowhere!

“Ewww! Ewww! Ewww! Oh gosh, why did I wear these shoes today? Ugh! Now they’re gonna be ruined!” Lisa shrieked.

There's an article of clothing besides her shoes that Lisa would be concerned about, lol

“Wha-what? Oh no no no! I can not walk in these shoes much longer! I have been through a crowded airport and one mile of running in these heels! I will not stand to run any more!”

Couldn't have written it better myself

Lisa groaned. "Remember what I said about camping!"

LOL! Don't ever want to be stuck with her outside XD

I really liked this chapter. It start off all serious with the girls moping around, then, BAM! Random Rattata infestation creates some unwanted excitement. Rena's attempts to cheer up Sadie were funny mostly because they ended up backfiring Of course, there's Lisa's big entrance and her just being herself and interacting with the other girls was also fun to read.

And it looks like we're going deeper into the plot, with Dalton joining the girls and the group making their way toward Celestic Town. I'm looking forward to see what awaits them during their journey up there.

Something to crit... well, it seems like you let up on the proofreading a bit, since there were quite a few more mistakes than you usually make. Also, it would be nice to have the girls try to get to know each other better but you might do that in the next chapter while they're in Sandgem.

Overall, not much wrong with the chapter though, and it's serious when it wants to be and funny at other times as well. Good luck on the next one!

 

[Haruka of Hoenn]

Wait, is Rena related to Doc Christopher in some way? Because the sidekick thing seemed to come out of nowhere

No, not at all! I just decided to add in the sidekick part for a little humor

Well, once again, you did a very nice job of handling my character It's always a concern when writing these co-op chapters that your characters are kept in character, but you seem to be doing a fine job of it with only a little help.

True... But you already told me the key things to remember about Lisa's character: Likes math, cares about her outfit, doesn't like Rattata infestations, etc. It wasn't hard from there

Something to crit... well, it seems like you let up on the proofreading a bit, since there were quite a few more mistakes than you usually make.

Hmm... I use Microsoft Word when I type my chapters, so that corrects most of my mistakes for me. But I'll try to pay a little more attention.

Also, it would be nice to have the girls try to get to know each other better but you might do that in the next chapter while they're in Sandgem.

Yeah, I'm gonna let the girls get to know each other more while they're staying in Sandgem since they'll all be together and will have more time to talk and stuff.

Overall, not much wrong with the chapter though, and it's serious when it wants to be and funny at other times as well. Good luck on the next one!

Thanks! I'm not gonna start on the next one right away because I've got some other things to catch up on, so expect it to be ready sometime after New Year's!

 

[Saphira_Thorn]

Hi Haruka. It’s Saphira_Thorn here and this is my review for chapters 1 to 9.

Chapter 1

Buneary was hanging in the air…Buneary stuck out its left leg in preparation for a kick

After ‘Buneary was hanging in the air…’, there should be a space before the next part of the paragraph begins. The same concept goes for the rest of the paragraph as well.

Sadie could hear snapping and crackling as sparks erupted from Luxio and shot forward at lighting speed

‘Lightning’. A simple mistake, really – one that anyone can make.

pokemon

I know Divinity_123 has an issue with me over this, but I’ve always capitalized this word.

‘Pokémon’. And just for reference’s sake, I will provide a shortcut as to how to get that letter… é. All you have to do now is copy and paste that accented letter and things will be a lot easier.

pokeball

See above.

But, Sadie was sure that her true talent lied within the walls of the Contest Hall.

Try this version: But, Sadie was sure that her true talent lay within the walls of the Contest Hall.

Notice the bolded word?

The two girls then began walking on the dirt path that led to Sangem Town, where they both lived.

Sandgem Town.

Notice the bolding?

“Sadie! Rena! You two girls scared me nearly to death!” gasped the Sadie’s mother, Katherine, who was sitting in the leather sofa.

Two mistakes here.

(1) The ‘the’ before ‘Sadie’s mother’ is unnecessary.
(2) Sitting in the leather sofa? Shouldn’t it be sitting on?

Though the chapter is short, it is by no means not interesting. It introduces the main characters very well and sets the scene perfectly. Good work, Haruka. Can I also point out that Route 203 is actually east of Jubilife City?

Chapter 2

“Come on, keep it moving! Let’s go, let’s go!” Commander Hart shouted in a gruff voice as the soldiers left their base camp at Oreburgh City that next morning.

Instead of ‘that’, I think ‘the’ should replace it.

“Yes sir!” The man saluted and marched to the designated spot.

The man? Men, maybe, but not man.

“And as for you, Dalton,” the commander turned, looking Dalton in the eye, “You will be all the way over there behind that big log down there.”

There should really be a full stop after the word ‘eye’.

His fate lied in Darkai’s hands, hands that he could not trust.

Try this version instead: His fate lay in Darkrai’s hands, which were hands that he could not trust.

The commander must really hate me. Dalton thought, as he wiped his forehead.

It should be: The commander must really hate me, Dalton thought, as he wiped his forehead.

Notice the bolded comma?

Darkrai was flinching attempting to dodge the bullets, but there were too many for it to concentrate.

How about: Darkrai was flinching in his attempt to dodge the bullets, but there were too many for it to concentrate.

Ohhh, cliffhanger! I love, and despise at the same time, cliffhangers. Even though I’ve already read ahead, I wonder why Darkrai chose to be merciful to Dalton.

Chapter 3

The tires were beginning to lost air, since Sadie hadn’t ridden for a long time.

‘The tires were beginning to lose air’ sounds better to me.

Cresseila

I think it’s meant to be ‘Cresselia’. You had it right the first three times, but then a finger must’ve slipped or something.

Chapter 4

Sadie was just about to explain to the officer what had really happened, but then tall lady standing next to him turned around.

Try this instead: Sadie was just about to explain to the officer what had really happened, but then a tall lady standing next to him turned around.

Notice the bolded a?

Chapter 5

“Good! Now I say- wait a second… Oh, he’s waking up he’s waking up! Come quick!” said the first man, as if he had just witnessed a miracle.

Two mistakes here.

say-

This is a spacing issue. It should be: say – wait a second.

he’s waking up he’s waking up

Between the first ‘up’ and the second ‘he’s’, there should be a comma.

Not eve giving time to think about what Dalton had said, Doctor Christopher answered him right away.

The word that’s meant to be ‘even’ is missing the ‘n’.

Chapter 6

“Hey, while we still have a chance, why don’t we go check out he rest of the town? If you ask me, standing here and listening to two grandpas’ chatter is pretty boring,” Rena whispered, leaning over to Sadie.

he

This word is meant to be ‘the’.

“I toldyou two to get outta my way!

Spacing issue here; should be: “I told you two to get outta my way!

Sadie felt droplets form in her eyes as he slowly got to her feet.

Try this version instead: Sadie felt droplets form in her eyes as she slowly got to her feet.

Notice the bolding?

Chapter 7

“A girl just got sent in. Ten years old, at the maximum. Apparently she had been battling the gym leader, Roark, when Darkrai had come upon them.”

gym leader

This is one of my pet peeves. I’ve always done it like this: ‘Gym Leader’. But that’s just me, you don’t have to follow my lead if you don’t want to, Haruka.

“Because! Without something to wake them up, or Roark and that poor girl are as good as dead!

or

If this is meant to be ‘poor’, it’s missing two letters here.

Chapter 8

“I told that pilot that he should’ve gone too the west for three miles to avoid that jet stream

too

There should only be one ‘o’ here.

Chapter 9

What a relief!

But what about that poor girl? Oh, I do hope she’ll be okay too…

Thoughts should be italicized.

Everybody’s paying attention to you expect for her!

It should be: except.

“Doesn’t hat man look like a soldier?”

The word’s ‘that’, right? We’re missing a ‘t’ here, Haruka.

“Wonder what a solider is doing in a hospital!”

Try ‘soldier’.

“Hey, weren’t you the one in Oreburgh Hospital?” the brown-hired girl questioned.

hired

I think you meant for it to be ‘haired’, didn’t you?

Rea pointed to the brown-haired girl.

Rea? I thought her name was Rena.

*Breaths a huge sigh of relief*

Man, what a massive task that was. I’ve finally caught up. What’s gonna happen to Lindsay and Roark, I wonder? But more importantly, where have Roark’s Pokémon gone to? I look forward to keeping on reviewing this ficcie, Haruka.

 

[Haruka of Hoenn]

Ah, finaly the horrors of Exam Week are over! Now I can finally reply to your review

Wow, I made a lot more mistakes in those chapters than I thought! Luckily, I corrected most of them in the revised version of my fanfiction on PC. (Note to self: Stop relying on Microsoft Word to do all the proofreading for you!)

I know Divinity_123 has an issue with me over this, but I’ve always capitalized this word.

I don't really capitalize it, since I'm not referring directly to the Pokemon company.

Example when I don't capitalize: "My pokemon know a lot of moves!"

Example where I do capitalize: "The Pokemon company should really come up with new games."

But thanks for bringing up all those mistakes! That must have taken you quite some time. I seriously need to go back and correct those...

Ohhh, cliffhanger! I love, and despise at the same time, cliffhangers.

Same here! The problem I have with cliffhangers is coming up with a sensible resolution to them :/ That's usually what slows me down while typing chapters, since it requires a lot of thought. But, cliffhangers add more suspense to the story, and make it exciting to read But all will be revealed later in the story, so don't worry!

What’s gonna happen to Lindsay and Roark, I wonder? But more importantly, where have Roark’s Pokémon gone to? I look forward to keeping on reviewing this ficcie, Haruka

Thanks! After I finish editing Chapter 3, I'll get started in typing up the next chapter. But I still don't know for sure when I'm going to post it, so expect anything!

 

[Haruka of Hoenn]

- - - - - -
Eh?
- - - - - -
Since when did I have a fanfic?
- - - - - -
What chapter?
- - - - - -
No, I don't have it.
- - - - - -
Seriously?
- - - - - -
Oh, you mean the one featuring Lisa fromDarkPersian479s fic? Yeah, I have it! It's right here. Sorry for the delay, folks! I hope you're all not dead yet! (bad joke)

Chapter 10​

“Tell me again why he’s sleeping on the floor outside of the house?” Sadie questioned, looking strangely at the simple gray tent Dalton had set up earlier that evening. It had already turned dark, and the man had probably already fallen asleep by now. She, along with Rena and Lisa, were standing by the doorway of her house, already in their colored pajamas.

Well, I didn’t expect him to offer to sleep in my house… but this? Sadie thought to herself.

Rena shrugged. “It’s a guy kind of thing. They think they’re all tough and brave to offer to sleep outside, right? And the next morning they come back in, covered in poison ivy and big bites saying ‘Mommy, I got a boo-boo!’” Rena sighed, pretending to pity him, with her hands folded sternly across her chest.

Lisa shivered. “Ugh! I just can’t imagine someone sleeping outside all night with a tiny canvas tent to shelter them from all the disgusting bugs, and the rain… and the wind… and if your tent gets blown over into the mud… Ugh!” Lisa shivered, as if she had just stepped on a cockroach.

Sadie frowned slightly, watching Lisa squirm. “I really don’t get why camping outside is such a tragedy! I’ve done it with Rena a million times!”

“Well, I for one, prefer a five star hotel! With those comfy mattresses, and high speed internet, and the complimentary drinks! Who in their right minds would rather sleep in a stuffy, hot… bag thing?” Lisa stomped her foot.

Rena sighed. “You know, there’s really only one way to settle this, girls!” The three stood in an awkward silence for a few moments, until Rena finally spoke. “Okay, since there will be no volunteers tonight, I’ll answer the question! Lisa, Sadie and I challenge you to a bet!”

Lisa was dumbstruck. “A bet?”

Rena smirked. “Yep! A bet.” Seeing Sadie’s and Lisa’s uncertain gazes at her, Rena sighed. “It’ll be fun guys, don’t worry!”

Sadie rolled her eyes. “Of all the people here Rena, I’ve had the most experiences with your little ‘bets’ as you call them. Seriously, they’re stupid and pointless, and they get people hurt. Me people!” She threw her hands up to emphasize.

Rena just shook her head, brushing off Sadie’s words. “Look, I promise you, no one’s gonna get hurt!”

Lisa raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? No injuries?”

Rena smiled. “Maybe a few bug bites.” Without another word, Rena dashed back into the house, leaving Sadie and Lisa alone to exchange uncertain glances.

“Sadie,” Lisa confided, “I do not like where this is going!”

………

“… simply outrageous! My city’s hospitals are running out of supplies and room to care for all these patients that are coming in! It’s as if some sort of epidemic has struck Sinnoh! Even worse, Jubilife’s condition… Oh that is just too much to bear! How, I ask, how can you just sit there smoking your pipe when all of these cities are crumbling down on their foundations? Mr. President, I demand that you come up with something to stop this at once!”

President Berry’s eyes wandered around the perimeter of his office. He wasn’t really paying any attention to the furious words of the woman that was sitting not far away from him. The woman, Mrs. Stein, was glancing at him in a rather demanding way, indicating that she had finished with her supposedly endless rant. Acting as if he had actually been listening, he lit his pipe and shot her a glance.

“I am fully aware of this, Mrs. Stein. Right now, the army is doing all that it can,” he said in a reassuring voice.

“Don’t you understand? The army is not enough! My city is running out of money to pay for the damage! Its current condition is worse than that of a dump!” She ended this with a hard slap on the table.

A man on the opposite side of the long table rose from his seat. “It is no use relying on Mr. President to do this for us. We must act together!” He said with a nod toward Dr. Berry, who was still smoking his pipe.

A surprised look came upon Dr. Berry’s face. “Interesting. Dr. Golgorov, do you have anything in mind that may help us out? Anything at all?”

The man pondered for a moment. “Mr. President, if you are talking about a complete plan, then no. But, I do have an idea that has been on my mind for a while now.”

“Do go on,” Dr. Berry sighed.

Dr. Golgorov cleared his throat. “Well, I believe it is insufficient for the military to be divided amongst the cities of Sinnoh, waiting for an attack. Instead of this, the army, or what’s left of it, should wait in one designated location while another group of strong pokemon trainers – the Elite Four, possibly – to somehow lure the pokemon into the city where the military is hiding. The pokemon will be surrounded, giving us the perfect opportunity to - ”

“Stop!” the man next to Golgorov interrupted. “How are we supposed to strike the pokemon? The damn bullets will go right through it! Are we forgetting about the merry incident back at Route 203?”

“Interesting perspective, Calvin,” Dr. Berry acknowledged. “But who says that a pokemon’s attack can’t do that Darkrai some damage, eh?”

The room was rapidly filled with audible whispers of ‘He has a point there’ and ‘That might just work!’

Dr. Berry laughed to himself. “What, do these people think their president was a moron?”

“But where on Earth are we going to get enough pokemon to surround that demon?” someone piped up.

Dr. Berry could see Mrs. Stein roll her eyes. “Where do you think?” she shouted back, “We’ll just capture them out from the wild!”

Golgorov rose again from his seat, in objection. “No!” he said firmly, “We cannot do this! Because of Darkrai, don’t you think it would be wise for those pokemon to flee for their lives? I would think it to be extremely stupid for them to be just prancing around, as if they were not in danger! If they’re not worried, why don’t we just sit back, grab some lemonade, and pretend this never happened?”

Again, shouts of agreement and objection arose. Several people stood up, trying to out argue the other by shouting, pounding, and waving their hands madly as if swatting a dozen flies. Dr. Berry signed to himself. He was just about to get up, when a sudden screech froze him in his tracks.

“STOP!”

All heads were turned to the door, where a tall, moderately skinny man stood. His hair was dyed a strange blue color and he wore a red velvet suit. His eyes glinted with determination behind his spectacles.

“Lucian?” Dr. Berry said, with more curiosity than astonishment. “I don’t mean to be rude, but this is a private meeting.”

Lucian nodded. “I understand, Mr. President. But I have come with good purpose.”

“Please explain.”

“By now, there is probably not one living soul in Sinnoh that doesn’t know about the Darkrai crisis. I also understand that the army has been failing miserably in trying to stop this beast from doing any further harm to us. I, for one, think that it is pointless continuing to do what we are doing right now; stationing the army in separate cities like this. In this case, divide and conquer will not work. That creature is out for blood. If we – ”

“Get to the point!” shouted an impatient Mrs. Stein, slamming her coffee cup on the table in disgust.

Dr. Berry picked up his pipe again, not showing any signs of astonishment for her sudden outburst. “Mrs. Stein, please get a hold of yourself.” Then, turning back to Lucian, he said. “I’m terribly sorry for the interruption, Lucian, you may go on.”

Lucian nodded, still slightly frowning. “Bottom line: the army should be stationed in one location, while another group of particularly strong trainers lures the pokemon to the army.”

“And where do you suppose we GET that group of ‘particularly strong trainers’, smart one?” someone piped up.

Lucian smiled. “Ah, but that has already been arranged.” With a single snap of his long fingers, four more people entered: a tall blonde woman dressed mainly in black, a short man with a bright red afro, and elderly, gray-haired woman, and finally, a skinny man with his neon green hair in a tight ponytail.

“Well, I suppose we could send the Elite Four out there, but don’t you guys need some… well… backup?” Golgorov doubted.

The blonde woman stepped forward. “I think we are more than capable of taking that pokemon ourselves,” she said coolly.

Mrs. Stein laughed aloud. “Did you not hear about what happened to Roark and that poor little girl? Are you suggesting that just because you’re the Elite Four, there will be some magical shield protecting you from anything that tried to harm you? Well, Cynthia?”

Cynthia rolled her eyes. “Of course not! Roark was attacked by surprise! He wasn’t paying attention! If he was, then he and that girl probably wouldn’t be hospitalized right now. The point is, we’re the best group of individual pokemon trainers there is. If we can’t do it, no one can, and possibly no one will. Believe me; I’d rather die knowing that I tried to save Sinnoh than die without even trying to help.”

Mrs. Stein sighed, recognizing defeat. "Okay, okay! Whatever you say! I don't really care anymore how it's done. I just want this to end!"

"I agree with Mrs. Stein. Let's do it!" Golgorov said.

Dr. Berry smiled. “Then it’s settled. I’ll phone the general right away.”

………

“WHAT?!” Lisa shrieked, staring with horror at the three green sleeping bags that lay before her.

“You heard me! I said, we’re gonna camp outside!” Rena repeated. Her face was a complete question mark as she stared at Lisa, who was complaining, wincing, and squirming.

Sadie sighed and put her arm around Lisa’s shoulder. “Come on, it’ll be fun! Nothing bad is gonna happen! Trust me! I’ve done this a million times and not once did our tent blow over, not once did we get poison ivy, not once did we – err… what else did you say?”

Lisa stepped backwards in fear. "Please, anything but that! I... There are things out there... creepy slimy things that might crawl all over me... gross! I... I don't wanna!" Her left hand crept over to the hem of her dress, and began crumpling it.

Rena rolled her eyes. "Look, I'll sleep on one side of you and Sadie on the other side. That way, any creepy crawlies have to go through US first! Plus we're dragging you out whether you want to or not!"

“Think of us as your bodyguards!” Sadie added with a smile.

Lisa shrugged, pondering their words. With much hesitation, Lisa finally gave in. “Okay, okay, I’ll do it! But if I find ANY bugs, worms, or any other gross thing in my bed, I’m blaming you two for it!”

Rena smiled. “Great! I’ll go put up the tent!”

 

[DarkPersian479]

indicating that she had finished with her seemingly endless rant.

"Seemingly" just seems to fit better here.

We must act together!” he said with a nod toward Dr. Berry,

Instead of this, the army, or what’s left of it, should wait in one designated location while another group of strong pokemon trainers – the Elite Four, possibly – somehow lures the pokemon into the city where the military is hiding.

an elderly, gray-haired woman,

And there was one bit of inconsistency here:

She, along with Rena and Lisa, were standing by the doorway of her house, already in their colored pajamas.

Her left hand crept over to the hem of her dress, and began crumpling it.

Lisa had already changed into her sleepwear.

It would hve been nice if the actual night camping out was included with this chapter. However, I understand you've been VERY busy, both with real life and helping me out with my fic, so I really can't hold that against you or the chapter.

One thing I might suggest doing is putting the meeting with the government officials either before or after the scene with the girls. I tend to put in scene breaks when I'm trying to skip extended lengths of time between events. In this case, since I wouldn't think it would take a lot of time for Rena to fetch the sleeping bags and announce her bet, I'd combine the two into one extended scene and put the big meeting at the beginning or the end of the chapter.

Having said that, the meeting brings new insight into the next stage of "Operation Darkrai" as I shall call it until I think of a more creative name. It shows that the government isn't always thinking properly, as it took them awhile to realize that this is one Pokemon you can't fight with bullets - you have to fight Pokemon with Pokemon. Of course, I'm doubtful that the Elite Four and Cynthia alone will be enough. I just have this feeling that the Darkrai situation is going to erupt to the point where the seven remaining non-hospitalized Gym Leaders will also need to use their skills, as well as random Trainers. Strength in numbers, after all.

I know that I've been helping you out with it, but I'm still impressed with how well your characterizations are. Even in the brief time that the leaders of Sinnoh are featured, you give a pretty good idea of their personalities.

“It’s a guy kind of thing. They think they’re all tough and brave to offer to sleep outside, right? And the next morning they come back in, covered in poison ivy and big bites saying ‘Mommy, I got a boo-boo!’”

I've sadly seen this, so many guys trying to prove how tough they are only to do something stupid and get hurt because of it.

“Well, I for one, prefer a five star hotel! With those comfy mattresses, and high speed internet, and the complimentary drinks! Who in their right minds would rather sleep in a stuffy, hot… bag thing?”

Two things: First, two-star is perfectly acceptable to Lisa, as long as it's clean and well maintained. Second, I need to clarify that those "complimentary drinks" are non-alcoholic. Just in case someone gets the wrong idea

But it IS exactly the sort of rant Lisa would go on at the mention of "camping out."

I definitely enjoyed this chapter, and I PROMISE I'll let you get chapters posted more often. I just needed your help for a couple of mine

 

[Pikalika55]

I like this fic, uh, the story is really coming together nicely! Although, things in the 'meanwhile' department are going very slowly, if you catch my drift. ;-)

 

[Haruka of Hoenn]

DP49:

And there was one bit of inconsistency here:

She, along with Rena and Lisa, were standing by the doorway of her house, already in their colored pajamas.

Her left hand crept over to the hem of her dress, and began crumpling it.

Lisa had already changed into her sleepwear.

Ouch.... I guess I'm just so used to writing: Lisa crumpled her dress that I got a little carried away there... Oh well! And that, children, is why we proofread!

It would hve been nice if the actual night camping out was included with this chapter. However, I understand you've been VERY busy, both with real life and helping me out with my fic, so I really can't hold that against you or the chapter.

I actually wanted to start off the next chapter with the camping scene, but I understand your view anyways!

I know that I've been helping you out with it, but I'm still impressed with how well your characterizations are. Even in the brief time that the leaders of Sinnoh are featured, you give a pretty good idea of their personalities.

Thanks! I guess the key to good characterization is to reflect the characters' personalities through their words. i.e, Bob is a bully. "Give me that sandwich, you little baby!"

I definitely enjoyed this chapter, and I PROMISE I'll let you get chapters posted more often. I just needed your help for a couple of mine

It's okay! Finishing your part of the chapter is more important than finishing mine somethimes, because since it's my fanfic, I can literally post the chapterswhenever I want! (Of course, I try to post them as soon as I can but... We all have different deadlines!




Pikalika55:

I like this fic, uh, the story is really coming together nicely! Although, things in the 'meanwhile' department are going very slowly, if you catch my drift. ;-)

Be patient, my friend, good stories cant be rushed! (Besides, it'll be boring posting ths entire thing in like 20 chapters :/) Thanks for the compliment anyway!





Note:
Chapter 11 will be here in December, just in time for Christmas! You see, I'l be VERY VERY occupied with my RE.L.A.X.A.T.I.O.N. exams and... well...

























APRIL FOOL'S!!!!!!!! HAHA!!! XD
Chapter 11 will be here in a few days/weeks. (guaranteed to come in April, or you can all throw pies in my face!)

 

[Pikalika55]

Well patiance isn't quite the word to use when describing my personality. I'm more of a nice guy who hates to be ridiculed, don't we all?

Emphysis on the word guy.

~Pika'55