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Demise: The Last Remnants of the Fallen

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Ejunknown, May 24, 2009.

  1. Ejunknown

    Ejunknown be creative

    Demise: The Last Remnants of the Fallen

    Chapter List

    Part one: Relapse
    Part two: Defective

    Rating: PG- 13
    Status: working on chapter three.

    AN: This is currently my first experiment into writing full length fanfiction. The Pokemon side will be introduced shortly. <3


    Part one: Relapse.

    At that moment, the only thing he could focus on was the scent of her breath, as it whispered in a light huff across his face; the softness of her lips as they drew close enough to touch his, and the taste of her tongue, twisting with his emotions into knots. Time for a quick breath- before he drew her even closer, fingers smoothing up warm skin, entwining in her hair, before being gripped by emotions, relentless, hearts both racing, as their pauses for breath grew more erratic and far between-

    There was a short pause for a gasp, before the recognition that she had frozen finally made it through the roar of sensation, and dazed eyes opened to meet hers, just before jade turned distant.

    He blinked, struggling to focus as her palms emanated a sudden heat, a vicious pressure that pushed against his temples, before her hands were gone, abruptly returning them to the present, her body withdrawn from his with a gasp. He tried to regain his mind from the haze as he stared at her lightly shaking form, trying to comprehend what exactly had happened fingers managing to raise to brush his lips then his temples-


    He stared in shock at the ground now inches before his face, the reverberating tremors of the punch reverberating through him, the pain quickly following the flush of blood to his face, and he winced, managing to cough out a choked splutter. The words themselves were barely legible, he noted with a grimace, but as the pleading question in his tone should have at least been decipherable, as he tried to even out his breathing, waiting for her response. There was a moment of silence, and he grit his teeth as the pain increased - had she broken his cheekbone? - before the slightly hoarse syllables broke the silence.

    "Damn it, Charles."

    The pain in the whispered words sent a spasm of shock through him, and he looked up, eyes searched fruitlessly for hers as she watched him from the shadows of the door. The ensuing silence was deadening, and he almost tried again to ask her- before it hit him. The only conclusion that could have caused such a reaction, that could have ever disturbed the sentimentality of one of God's golden children; the one piece of knowledge that could hurt an Angel. His actions stopped immediately, and as he caught her reflection in the mirror to the right above the stairwell, he found her eyes in the reflection, hazy and clouded, the mask of confidence washed away with the whisper of tears down her cheeks.

    With that one touch she'd read his memories. With that one kiss.

    His mind worked quickly. It was something he had once taken pride in. It was the reason he had managed to work his way to a status where he'd be privileged enough to meet such a higher being as Clarissa in the first place, and it was the reason he had guessed the truth behind this whole facade of an organisation.

    But, as he stared, frozen, at the Angel before him, and his mind worked through the implications, he found he hated it. He didn’t know how she had gotten the suspicions, but if he had been left in belligerent ignorance, he would never have been put in this position in this goddamn company in the first place. Christ, everyone else on this rotten little planet had managed to survive freely without the specifics on Angels before. His younger, ambitious self, truly hadn't needed to know more than they were guardians, assisted by The Agency; wouldn't known more then that. If he had remained ignorant, he wouldn't have come here, and she wouldn’t be in this position, as he would never have been anywhere near her to let it slip.

    But his mind worked quickly, and so it easily worked through to the resultant conclusion of this accident. Without the hope, the faith that sustained the angels- without the core belief that ‘He’ was there, (ensuring the placebo effect that had maintained the life force of the few members left of her species since the Great Revelation, remained)- she would die.

    Clarissa would die.

    Barely recognising his actions, let alone the dust in his face, he rested his forehead against the boards, scrambling for the footing to push himself to his feet. The room seemed to grow smaller as he turned to find her; recognising his movements she had already left her spot by the door to sit on the edge of the window, gaze unseeing as the wind whipped twists of sand from the windswept sand dunes below.

    He couldn't speak. He couldn’t speak - only watch, as if he had some morbid fascination, and marvel at her beauty - The beauty of a dead woman whose life he’d just ruined. He could barely think – the leftover hormones and elation tangling with the fear and worry and pain into a gordian's knot- that prevented his actions- when he needed to move. A life built on pretense shattered when the keystone was removed, as he had seen so many times, and was once again observing as those wracking tremors tore up her frame-

    "Oh, oh god. He's gone, Charles! Gone! God is gone. God is-!!" She choked over the revelation, unable to stop to catch her breath. He still couldn’t move, staring, and it was only as the tremors forced her to double over, pupils dilated to such an extent that she barely looked within the limits of reality anymore, that his frozen mind seemed to thaw. The knot distilled as the logic wracked through his system, assembling the first coherent thought in minutes as he recognised this state. Her muscles were going into spasms due to lack of oxygen. This was a simple case of ‘RR’, Recognition Relapse, a state that ended in death, heralded first by the gradual collapse of all her internal organs.

    His mind focused abruptly, all emotions; fear, guilt, pain- gone, as his muscles unlocked.

    He needed to get her to the hospital.


    This is an experiment, and the first draft of this chapter is most likely very rough - I will be working on smoothing it out as I start the next chapter.

    I would love some comments and critique. xD This may be slightly choppy, but we'll see how it goes. Please bare with me. <3
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2011
  2. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    Oh my god.

    I loved this.

    And how appropriate 'omg' is, but still.


    Bloody hell, Ejun! I adored the emotion you put into this, jesus, and you've done a lot to make the whole more coherent. I actually knew they were in a room this time- *shot* But seriously, it is a little more in place. x3 Great job, hun.
  3. #Chimecho#

    #Chimecho# Truth[N]Love

    So little information, it leaves me wanting more.

    I am speechless however, on what to critique on. So rather I will praise.
    You described well, actually superbly. Let us just say, I got worked up during the first few sentences, then got thrown off just like Charles when he got hit (by her fist it seemed, though I am leaving it to question). Then I was also sad as The Angel cried.

    I must say, that this is the kind of writing I am looking to get into. I was just thinking about my own horror writing with Angels and Demons when I realized that you have this Pokemon Fic section.. your writing made me totally forget this was about Pokemon (unless you misplaced it, no idea but Pokemon or not, it was awesome).

    I am hungrily awaiting more..

    ><> Truth
  4. duncan

    duncan Well-Known Member

    I have to say, this looks very promising. Immediately you started with some very vivid description, and quickly went into an interesting, very unique story. As much as I'm interested by what is happening, I really can't help but come back to your writing style. You can get caught up in the emotional side of things and neglect the physical side of what's actually happening (the very beginning is the main thing that I'm thinking of), but that's a relatively small issue. What really drew me in was just your way with such realistic description. Something that you certainly have down is the small details; reading through it really makes a tremendous difference in my opinion. Small things such as the smallest scents, the slightest emotions, they all really add up to make it seem very real, which is something that I love.

    There were, perhaps not run-ons exactly, but certainly some long, slightly unnecessarily wordy sentences. This probably sounds stupid, as I just got through praising you for the details you have included. It's just that some of the longer sentences just break the flow slightly, which takes my attention off the nicely worded prose. Like I said as well, you seem to focus more on the emotional side of things rather than the physical. While that can absolutely work sometimes (and I'll admit I often do the same), it can give the reader an incomplete picture of what is going on. Sure, we can guess (probably correctly), but when you lay out so many perfect little details of what is going on with the characters it seems a bit odd for the actions and surroundings not to be fully described. I can understand that maybe they aren't paying attention to anything but their thoughts, or each other...but that really doesn't help us. At least that's what I usually tell myself anyway.

    However, certainly don't get me wrong. I absolutely loved this, in fact I read it a couple times. Something about really good fics bring out the nitpicky critic in me I suppose, but hopefully I can help you get that little bit better.

    Not even really an error, but the word mind was repeated a bit too closely here for my liking. And that was the grand total of things potentially wrong I spotted.

    Wait a minute...this is your first attempt at something long? It's maybe two pages...I'm suddenly curious as to what your normal is.

    Not a whole lot to say really, but very nice job and I'll be looking forward to reading part two.
  5. ^
    Something long could refer to the whole thing, not on the first part alone. -_-

    Anyway, I have errors duncan didn't find! 8D

    IIRC semi-colons separate sentences, but the part after the semi-colon isn't. Just something of note, but this gripped me immediately.

    Maybe pleading? And a comma between decipherable and he?



    Anyway, I agree with the above posters - this could potentially be a very, very good fic if ever you decide on not just making it a two-shot. I love your description - though I think you already know that. The plot is very gripping as well - very original, and it makes the reader beg for more.

    Really good job. =)
  6. Ejunknown

    Ejunknown be creative

    Thank you for the posts! I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to people; I was going to wait until the next chapter was ready. xD You'll be pleased to know that it is currently a little over the length of the first and missing at least a third of it. (I've written the beginning and the end. xD) There is an interlude I'd like to post that ties in the theme of Pokemon; we'll see how it goes. 83

    I've been using your advice, and have worked on making the next chapter more human - as in, set in an actual place and so on. XD It should be in a more regular, even style, with less absolute concentration on the people and nothing else; and I've worked on the level of detail and the flow, so hopefully you'll like it. The first chapter has turned somewhat into a prologue, in comparison with what I've written now. XD

    I'll make the edits, Duncan and DM, and post the interlude soon. Thank you. <3

    ps. XDD Something long was referring to a multiple chapter fic; although the longest I have written in a while has been five pages. xD My average had been a page for a long time, which I was not so happy with. I just need to break this damn ice wall. xD;
    Last edited: May 30, 2009
  7. Ejunknown

    Ejunknown be creative

    Part two: Defective

    Authors note: ....

    Just... wow. This has been stored on my hard drive for two years, and although I'll probably need to restart this thread again for this update, I think it's about time I posted this next part. There will be one other part to be added to this, to complete this three-part arc, but whether I continue this further than that, we will have to see. x'D

    It's been a long time, Serebii.


    Part two: Defective

    Of tenuous existences, a world destroyed and a mans attempt to salvage what he holds dear.


    Clack, clack, clack, CLANG.

    He managed to catch her seconds before she hit the floor, the momentum of his hurried leap across the narrow room forcing him to twist harshly as he managed to snatch her from the ground, narrowly avoiding colliding with the opposing wall. He landed awkwardly, hissing as he arched his body to avoid crushing her waif like form, before he was focused once more, examining the effect of her changed state on her condition. He felt a slight tinge of relief as the pattern of her breathing seemed to smooth, but it was short lived as he realised the shallowness of her breath. At least the effects of the realisation had been slowed; they might be able to make it in time, so long as she didn’t regain consciousness.

    Gritting his teeth, he slid one arm up her back, gripping the back of her neck firmly as he made an attempt to clear her air way. There was no change in the ragged pattern of breaths, and he leant his forehead against the cold surface of the store closet as he tried to organise his next moves. The Agency had red books of protocol created specifically for situations like this, and he could only be grateful that she had had the foresight to drag him to the store room of all places. This was probably the sole place in this whole damned paranoid building that wasn’t staked out with government monitored CCTV.

    The situation surrounding the situation of Angels was touchy, to say the least. When they had first arrived seventy-five years ago, nobody had had even the time to think through the reasons for such a change. It wasn’t until the first wave that killed fifty-percent of the population that the correlation between information received and death was finally analysed and concluded. To avoid mass hysteria, the Agency had been set up, that created the Protocols vital to their kind, as well as mankind’s, survival.

    Protocol that demanded that once an angel went ‘defective’, the individual in question was to be isolated. 48 hours later, the remains were to be burned.

    He forced his thoughts away from that. Obviously, he wasn’t going to follow the protocol. And if he could ignore that, then he could also ignore the implications of the decision. He reached down to her mouth, fingers hovering as he attempted to gauge the depth of each breath, before leaning forward to replace his hands with his cheek. Despite the small movements of air, the rhythm was still steady. There would be around two hours before she needed to be put on respirators, and another three after that before her heart failed. From what he knew about the differences between the species, the effect of the few changed chromosomes in their genetic code were more prominent in the muscles and bones. This, whilst making their kind impossible to recreate as such a form could never be sustained by human means, left the main vital sections of the body normal. Their organs were human.

    He shifted her more fully into his grip before gritting his teeth, ignoring the throb of his jaw as he forced his dead legs to support his weight, getting to his feet. He ignored the cold touch of her skin as he slipped off his coat and wrapped it around her.

    He couldn’t call the ambulance to bring her there. Not only would that journey have been impossible in the first place, what with the supposed ‘poisoning’ of the area by nuclear waste, but it would make what he had decided to do obvious, giving cause for people to stop him. He’d have to take her to it. He took a short pause at the sill of the window to adjust his bundle more securely in his arms before he took a breath of the night air, looking out at the darkened sky.

    The moonlight cast the sand a pallid color that lived up to the supposed status of the area, but the waning crescent was settled firmly into the sands, barely visible in its waning cycle. He followed the shadows to the building, where they settled in deep, beckoning crevasses that begged short-lived safety. This was it. He took the step off, feet thudding in the sand.


    A tall, dark haired man with sharp eyes occupied the otherwise empty waiting room of the government owned facility, the intelligent depths of a light chestnut gleaming, as the set idly followed the progress of the smallest hand on the clock. The light ticking reverberated sweetly, almost cheerfully through the silence, matching the small smile that quirked the easy-going features of the inhabitant, providing some warmth to the sterility.

    It had been silent for quite some time, but with the turning of the hour to the final forty-eighth, Jonas could guess what was keeping him.

    It was over.

    Finally. He tried to ignore the slight sense of relief that followed with the acknowledgement that it had happened – as it was expected, of course, the situation entirely ordinary and thus requiring no more thought. The angel had died, at the appointed time as set by The Agency. No more, no less. He hadn’t been forced to deal with another of the other cases- and those cases had so been few and short lived anyway, it didn’t matter. He needed to concentrate on other things; like the fact his colleague, his friend, had just lost the women he loved.

    He suppressed a snort at himself, shaking his head distractedly to get the few strands of hair out of his eyes, before he tilted it back to rest against the sterile, impassive wall, feeling a small amount of jealousy for its impartiality to the world. This was ridiculous. Forcing every other thought out of his head besides, he sought the local vicinity quickly for a distraction, trying not to concentrate on the frustration at the near empty environment; before he finally settled his attention on the few infrequent passes of the hospital attendants left on the late night shift.

    Catching his gaze, a nurse hesitated for a second, expression moving from distracted to disapproving as she mistook him for an escapee patient, but he managed to stop the ensuing tirade with a quick show of his badge, taking only slight pleasure from the way her eyes widened as she read the department he was from, before apologising quickly and hurrying away.

    Damn, it definitely had to be his mood. It had been a while since he had not downright laughed at the reaction that the Agency’s very name still managed to incur. The idea of a government armed with Angels would have been terrifying to him if he hadn’t managed to secure his position within, protecting them himself.

    Angels. The thought brought him back to his earlier internal war, and his expression relaxed back to neutral as he let out a sigh. Still, he could not completely override his worries. The cases, growing from one in five years to six in two, were not only growing in number, but getting stronger. Not only were they not dying, but the last couple had even managed to come back to nearly full health before they had been forced to pull the plug. If this trend continued, then maybe all of the remaining angels left could survive the process to, and with the free will breaking the Agency’s already tenacious hold on the remnants of this particular hybrid species, who knows what could happen, what horrific actions the once saviours of humanity could do with their super human strength and ability to live forever once they were fully freed from their bonds-

    There was a small clatter as the handle on the door of the private suite turned, the harsh glare of the safety standard issue fluorescents above throwing the his face into sharp relief as the shadows under his eyes painted him as a murderer. He heard a brief spate of a monotonous tone before Charles stepped fully into the hall, the weighted door cutting off the sound as it swung quietly shut behind him.

    “I’m sorry, Charles.”

    Then that was that.


    The sound of soft beeping was insistent as it woke her, easing her from the warm depths she had plundered in sleep, bringing her back to the frigid reality of consciousness. The world beyond her lids was bright, nearly painfully so as it pierced through the heady haze of her dreams, and she was unprepared for it, yet. At the this moment, with the pains and stark brutality reality promised, Clarissa wasn't ready yet. Her decision was tinged with irony. As if she ever would be.

    Her mind firm with the decision to leave reality where it was for the time being, she turned eagerly inward, stealing back into her dreams, for she had dreamt last time, for the first time since... she could remember. Her head felt strangely empty, the daze between sleep and waking removed from all the fears and worries she had been suffering under, and she welcomed the sense of freedom it allowed her.

    The light beep of the EKG machine slowed, evening to a steady rhythm that echoed the even of her breathing, a small smile sloping the soft planes of her mouth.

    There was a quiet clacking sound as a pen clattered to the floor, the shock of the white-jacketed man standing watch at the end of the bed stark as his fingers tightened around the empty clipboard in his clutched hands, eyes fast on the face of the patient. His jaw was slackened, and he struggled to right himself as he quickly scrabbled to the floor to regain his papers, moving himself closer to the bedside.

    "Did she just..."

    Shaking his head as his voice failed him, he sent a quick glance to the straining face of the orderly, amusement at his complete lack of composure plain across the other mans features. The young doctor's face ultimately flushed, eyes narrowing in an embarrassed frown, before he looked pointedly back towards the bed. "Josh. Seriously. Did she..."

    A smirk still threatened to break through his forced expression expression of composure, and deciding to save the Doctor from increased embarrassment, the man nodded sharply with a small smile. "The Jane is showing signs of consciousness, doctor."
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2011
  8. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    Assdsfsdg You updated it! 'Bout time. xp No, m'dear, this was wonderful - an evil cliffhanger for a two year break, but good nevertheless. You evil thing. X3
  9. Ejunknown

    Ejunknown be creative



    It's been a long, long time! x'D Thank you, writing this was a breath of fresh air. :'D
  10. katiekitten

    katiekitten The Compromise

    It has been, it has been! I am determined to revive you here, though. :p x3 I really think you should post your Shippo/Nathaniel 'fic here. x33

    That said, I noticed more typos after a reread. ;x

    Two, very close 'yet's. x3

    The 'to' should be double 'o'. x3 (These are in no particular order, by the way)
  11. Ejunknown

    Ejunknown be creative

    You are a dear, you silly muffin. I posted it - but you found it. I love those characters, I need to draw them more. AND YOUR GUYS. ;U;

    ...you are also a life-saver. Thank you, BETA FOR ME AGAIN. ;U;
  12. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    ...o_O Apparently some people have some freaky smelling breath.

    I believe a comma would be required between happened and fingers.


    You repeated the phrase "his face" in an awfully close proximity from the first. It sort of knocked me out of the story for a moment - I thought, "Oh ****, what's going on, huh, I'm- wait did I just re-read... no, I didn't? NIIITTPPPPIIICCCKKK TIIIMMMEEEE."

    SO, yeah. May wanna figure out a way to change that.

    "as tears cascading". Sort of sounds iffy. I'm guessing you meant "cascaded"?

    The bold/italics part is what I'm focusing on here. Simply enough, I don't think it's grammatically correct. I'd go for something more along the lines of "he hadn't known more than that". I understand what you were going for here, but it's just not right, me'thinks.

    Okay, okay. So I'll admit, I'm a tad bit confused here, but that's probably my brain running off of four hours of sleep and a day of my senior year of High School, so I'll come back when I'm less tired and reread. <3

    But it looks good. I like your writing style. It's got an air of mystery to it, it's descriptive, and it's very immersive. Overall, I'm impressed, and after waiting for a bit and rereading this first installment, I'll get on to reading/reviewing the second.
  13. Ejunknown

    Ejunknown be creative

    x'D Thank you for your post, the first installment has needed an edit for two years, it's about time I got around to it. It was a flowery writing year. >__>

    About the Lavender, she has reason for that, mainly because she is not human, and everything about her is meant to be appealing, but 'lavender' is a bit over the top. o__o;

    I'll see what I can do to smooth out the first section! 8'D
  14. FlamingRuby

    FlamingRuby The magic of Pokemon

    As thanks for reviewing mine, now I will review you.

    I will agree with what everyone else has said--character development is your strong point. From the get go, we see Charles is a complex character--he has dreams, wishes, regrets, and motivations. I also like how much he cares for Clarissa.

    While I still have some questions about how the world works, you're off to great start here--keep it up!
  15. Ejunknown

    Ejunknown be creative

    I've made edits to parts of the first chapter, could I have your comments? >u<

    Man, it's been years since I've looked at this. There are still some long sentences, but they are more smoothed out:

    Also, Ruby; I've had no comments on the latest chapter, would you be able to comment on it for me? >u<

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