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Demons of Metropolis

Encyclopika

The Queen
Okie, chapter 1. Ehhh...if you want to be on the PM list, I'll take names now. And um...that's it, here's Chapter 1 and thanks to all who reviewed already. ^^
*************
Chapter 1

Brocks voice had driven itself right into a ditch almost immediately and it wasn’t long until May’s head was resting on her folded arms over her cheap, wooden desk. She had tried to keep herself awake by rocking the metal frame of the seat back and forth, but it was no use. Brock, on the other hand, had gotten very wrapped up in his lesson and barely noticed that the milk chocolate haired girl had nodded off.

Lust…freezing…shivers…

May could still hear his deep baritone, as he was bound to the roll away chalkboard in front of him. She could sense the silent scrapes of the chalk on the hard surface, creating a picture only his squinted eyes would see.

Wrath…anger…unstoppable…

And then his voice was lost in the endless caverns of her adolescent mind. As his drone faded, pictures of far off fairytale lands flashed before her. She dreamt of herself flying over the great city of Atlantis, in all its pearly cleanliness and high waterfalls sparkling in a distant morning sun.

…May…

With Metropolis so far behind her, less than a speck in the distance, all the stench of city life perished to unleash the scent of freedom. She could go anywhere on those white, feathered wings of hers. They held her in mid air as if she were as light as a cloud, floating above all the troubles and tribulations of ground life.

…May…

The wind whispered through her brunette hair and all was silent. Atlantis disappeared before her and was quickly replaced with a sky view of classic Rome. It was still; perhaps a fight amongst gladiators was in progress. The picture soon disappeared into blackness once again but instead of being replaced by another utopia, the iron bars of reality came crashing down as Brock’s voice came back into stereo, “May! Wake up!”

“Ah!” the young angel sprung upright into a normal, school, ninety degree angle.

She wiped the bits of drool from her cheek and arm away, and straightened her deep blue skirt that barely made her knees. She fixed the ruffled collar of her white blouse which was decorated with a neck area that matched the blue hue of her skirt. She clasped her thin hands in front of her on the wooden desk and smiled up at him as if she had been awake the entire time. Sleep still hung heavily on her eyelids, but she tried her best to cover it up by opening her sapphire eyes wider than normal.

“I’m listening!” she tried, but it was no use.

One couldn’t miss the fact that Brock was annoyed – his once soft eyes were now stern and his short wings were arched in an agitated way. His arms were folded having his hands lost in the white lab coat he wore. There was silence for the longest minute. Aside from May and her tutor, Brock, the room was vacant of life, and the eerie feeling that haunted it was accompanied by plain, white walls, a high roof, and windows so high up only a giant could see through them. Lining those white walls were various counters, sinks, and a few posters of scientific tables and such – it was usually used as a science room after all. It was only now at the school day’s end that Brock tutored May at the one subject she loathed.

Brock squeezed the bridge of his nose, “May, I can’t help you if you nod off all the time.”

“I’m sorry,” May said, her left shoulder rasied in a shrug, “I just…don’t have any interest.”

Brock looked up at her, dumbfounded, “That’s strange, I though most Angelic kids loved learning about this stuff. Guess I was wrong. Looks like I have my work cut out for me…”

“No, it’s not that! You’re right…all my friends love learning about it,” May said, and then shifted her gaze to the desk surface in front of her, “You really are a good teacher, I just don’t get why we have to learn about Demons if they don’t exist anymore.”

“I understand,” Brock said with a short smile, “But it’s still in the curriculum and you, especially, along with your brother, have to know it. Quite ironic.”

“Yeah, quite,” May snapped bitterly, “It’s because we’re the children of the Angelic high priest. I get why Max has to learn this, but why do I? If anything, only my husband will have to know.”

“Well, they haven’t been gone that long,” he told her as a matter of factly.

May retorted, “They’ve been gone just about twenty years! That’s pretty long!”

“Well, not to those who actually saw it happen, like your father,” Brock countered calmly, “In any case, it’s not only an important, but a new, piece of history.”

May got up from her corner desk, walked up to the green colored chalkboard and folded her arms over her chest.

“And the story is interesting…and I don’t need to learn that, I practically know it by heart!” May told him sharply, “The Demons wanted to rule the city of Metropolis in their greed for power and they figured they could win with the power of Sindarkka, the Angel-slaying dagger of darkness. In the midst of battle, we, the Angels, seized this dagger and crushed the Demons in all their pride. When the battle was over and the Demons were defeated, my father, as high priest, banished them to Outskirt where they all, presumably, perished. I know, I few details here and there, but that’s it. That’s the story.”

Brock was amazed. She had told the tale as if it were nothing exciting or outstanding; just your “run off the mill” fairytale. May stood across from him looking down at the floor with a pout on her face.

“Sounds like you know a lot. Maybe you’re falling asleep because what I’m teaching you is old news?” Brock tried.

He didn’t want to believe he was wasting his time. May had to pass the class and he was trusted by her father that he could pull her through. He unraveled his arms from their lock and presented a stick of white chalk to May.

“How about you teach me? Show me what you know on this board here,” Brock said, pointing to the chalkboard.

May sighed knowing it wouldn’t work out. She wasn’t interested and she knew that was the root of her nodding off. She didn’t know a thing about Demons and planned to keep it that way.
As she silently groaned to herself, she slid the white chalk across the board. She was drawing something. She started with a round head, and then created a thin body below that head, followed by a long, whip-like tail that ended in a devilish point. From the body sprung four limbs, all alike in length and structure – bony limbs they were, with four digits tipped with long claws. She then extended two bat-like wings from the monster’s back, added slits in the face for eyes and a mouth full of sharp, gnarled teeth.

“A Demon,” May said in a way in which seemed she were presenting the picture of a mass serial killer to a class-sized group of rookie police officers.

Brock nodded in approval of the drawing, although it looked as though a four year could do better, “Good. And what can you tell me about Demonic biology?”

May froze in place. This was where she would nod off and fly to Atlantis or Rome or…just anywhere far away from Metropolis. May looked away, unable to honestly look in his face and tell him that that was the subject that caused her brain to go on vacation. She searched her mind for something to put on the chalkboard. The light bulb sparked on, thankfully, and she turned to the board once again and began to scribble, this time, words.

LUST
GLUTTONY
GREED
ENVY
PRIDE
SLOTH
WRATH

“The Seven Deadly Sins?” Brock asked, “What about them?”

“Uh, well, it’s a curse!” May spurted, “That Demons have.”

“Yes, and tell me, what does Lust do to a Demon’s body?” Brock asked, knowingly.

May sighed; she had given up. She placed the chalk on the holder that hung underneath the board and sank her head as low as it could go.

“I’m sorry,” May said sincerely, “I just have no interest. Really. I don’t know anything.”

Brock had folded his arms again, “So what do you have interest in?”

He wasn’t snappish nor was he annoyed, just curious. With that question May’s wings lifted themselves from the floor excitedly as she perked up. That was what she really wanted to get into.

“I’m interested in anything that has to do with travel,” May said and then began to list her favorite classes, “Social Studies, Culture, Latin, Singing class, and Earth Science.”

“Well, that’s a nice spread. What things interest you the most, though?” Brock gave her a warm smile as she was now very indulged in the conversation.

“I like learning about Atlantis and Roman culture. I like all that stuff,” May told him.

She just didn’t want to look too ignorant. It was only one class she appeared to be completely slow in, and that was Demonology. Although, she barely got through her Pokemon Biology final, but a “D” was still passing, so her parents had let it go with groans. This was the second time now she was taking Demonology – she had completely failed every aspect of it last year, but this year had some hope, though still not enough to pass. It was just an endless journey for nothing, it seemed.

“Rome and Atlantis? But those cities don’t exist, especially that last one,” Brock said, “Why interest in them?”

“Alright, look,” May tried to make it simple, “I don’t even like learning about Angelic Biology. Why should I learn about the circulatory system of a creature that doesn’t have a heartbeat?”

“To put it plain and simple, it’ll be on the final and if you want to pass, you’ll need to learn all of it,” Brock said bluntly.

It was a long day and neither side was ready to have a calm discussion with stubbornness. Luckily, for the two Angels, the school bell sounded in a frantic chime. Within seconds, the halls outside the large classroom were flooded with creatures of the Light.

“Well, that was the bell. I guess I’ll see ya on Monday, right?” Brock asked grimly.

“Yeah,” May said obliviously cheerful for the weekend to finally start.

As she walked to the doorway, which was dwarfed by the large wall it had nestled itself into, an Angel poked his head through the opening. He had a head of messy black hair where from the midst of the disaster area poked two big, dark eyes.

“Hey, May! You done or are you staying after?” he asked.

“Hi, Ash. No, I have to see my dad,” May answered.

The Angel that stood before her nodded with a friendly smile. He was outdoorsy-looking with his thin structure, and was easily a good three inches taller than May, although she considered herself short. He wore a white, long sleeved shirt whose rims were lined by periwinkle designs. His dress pants matched that hue of blue and his shoes were as white as the walls of the classroom, as were his large wings, which were known to extend an ten foot wingspan, but for now, they were folded neatly behind him. A Pikachu leaned on his left shoulder, like a accessory, and both this boy and his yellow rodent featured the same silver chain and navy pendent around their necks.

“Alright, then,” Ash said nicely and then he turned to Brock who was collecting some books in a brown laptop bag, in concern, “What’s up, Brock?”

“Nothin’…at all,” Brock answered grimly from behind the desk, “May, you better get moving. You know your father is strict with time.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” May said frantically as she zoomed for the door.

Ash followed her out in a jog. They sped through the dark, wood-walled hallways where the only light came from the classroom doors that had been swung open in the joy of the nearing weekend. Ash hurried to catch up to the little Angel as the halls started to thin out.

“Hey, May! After your talk with your dad, you wanna get a bite to eat with me and Tyson?” Ash called after her.

He had stopped his jog, but she hadn’t slowed down.

“Can’t make any promises, Ash, he’s probably gonna ground me!” May shouted, breathless, “And I have to beg for him to at least let me make it to Misty’s party!”

With that last word, she rounded a corner and disappeared. Ash stood alone in the eerie, empty hallway with his arms folded behind his head. Pikachu had jumped from his shoulder to the dark, petroleum floor.

“Ground?” Ash mumbled to himself, “I wonder what for?”



May had walked from the school building all the way to the large church on Sun Dried Street. Despite it being smack in the middle of Metropolis, the church sat on a plot of grassy land where a few oak trees shot up from the ground in their green splendor. It was a church, but it was dark and Gothic, like the rest of the city. Four tall, pointed towers reached up to the overcast sky and the entire building was coated in knots of metal making it look like a large metallic Spinarak web had been draped over its rusted walls. From the midst of that web a great, black faced clock told the time of an earlier date, broken and never fixed.
May didn’t walk up to the front doors instead she went for the back door on the other side. She slid it open, causing a nauseating metal sound as the bottom of the old door scraped against the steel, hall floor. Once inside, she shut the back door and continued on through darkness. Though it was pitch black, she could sense the walls by running her wings against them. Her velvety, white feathers would surely get dirty this way, but they were easy to clean, thank God. There was an opening at the end of the long, tunnel, where the light from the main room where the religious mortals would pray to God and sit quietly as her father would read from the Bible and such, penetrated the darkness.
As she neared it, she could hear two men talking, and she recognized them as her father and another church helper, though she couldn’t distinguish exactly who it was. She barely went to church after all – there was no need, she was an Angel, she had been told.
She poked her head out from the long, dark hallway and peeked at them talking. It looked like a friendly conversation, but she couldn’t understand it for it was all in Italian. Her wings ruffled against the stone wall and startled the man talking to her father, who had his back to May. As he whipped around to spot her, May hid behind the hallway wall – he had almost caught a glimpse of her wings.

“Come about, child, we are all friends here,” the man had gone back to English.

May sighed and quickly materialized her wings into her back to hide them. She then emerged with a smile and her hands behind her back.

“That’s my daughter, John,” Norman, her father, said to the old man he had just been speaking to.

The man was indeed old and wore a lavish, long robe of white and red. Her father, who also had his wings hidden like May, also wore a long robe, except his was all white.

“Nice to meet you,” May said with a nervous smile.

The old man nodded and then turned to Norman.
An Italian “thank you” was all she could make out and then he left out the large, heavy front doors. When the coast was clear, both May and her father opened their wings. It was difficult and painful to hide them, but it had to be done. If the mortals knew for sure that Angels really existed on Earth, they’d be all over them asking for messages from God, and that would cause problems.
They stood in a large room on the altar where behind Norman stood a wooden font where he would read from the Bible and other holy texts to the mortals who visited on Sunday. The roof was high and decorated with stained glass windows of all colors and pictures. The inside walls were just as dark and eerie as the outside, with dark black and brown mixed with knotted metal and silver. Wooden pews lined the floor before the alter in rows with a single aisle seperating the two sides.
Norman shuffled some papers into a folder and then stood up straight to look at his daughter. He gave her a warm smile, one she wished he hadn’t given because she would soon have to betray it.

“So, how was school?” Norman asked his daughter with that unknowing smile.

May frowned and looked down at the dark floor, “Not so good, you’re probably gonna ground me.”

Norman folded his arms, “You fell asleep during Brock’s tutoring hour again, didn’t you?”

May nodded without a sound and Norman cocked his head to the side in confusion.

“I sense that there’s something else,” he said, not happy anymore.

May sighed again and then went rummaging through her knapsack. When she was finished, she emerged with a small packet of paper and held it out for him to take. He did so, but didn’t look at it.

“Oh, is this that Deadly Sins test you took today in Demonology?” Norman asked, concerned.

May sighed, “Yeah…”

Norman looked down and a grim face crawled up from the depths of his well being, “An “F”? May!”

May nodded, still not making eye contact.

“Well, you were right, you’re grounded for the entire weekend and you apply yourself!” Norman was enraged, but he kept his anger under control.

“Oh! C’mon, Dad!” May pleaded, “Can I at least make it to Misty’s party? Please? We’ve known about that for months!”

Norman managed a nod.

“I’m only saying yes now because it would anger Triton very much if you canceled now, but besides that, no where else unless your mother sends you somewhere. Grounded is grounded! Understand?” Norman said sternly.

“Yes, Dad, I understand,” May said sadly.

“Well, I don’t understand,” Norman said, his anger leaving him, “How come you can’t get this?”

He had thrown the paper to the font behind him and folded his arms.

May sighed and said, “They don’t even exist. What’s so interesting about Demons anyway?”



Not too far away from the church in an area called the Horizon Line, which separated the lightie and darkie territories of Metropolis, a dark figure somersaulted over low roofs. With the flick of her wrist, her fingers elongated and acted as poles she leaned on them and launched herself high into the air. Her body was that of a model’s figure, though, covered up to the neck in a skin tight, black jump suit with twisting and cut designs of red. From the middle and either side of her hour glass shape extended two, red strings that ended in rings and they bobbed along as she glided on short black wings. She sprung like predator on prey to the nearest roof. Her short, lavender hair rustled against her forehead, but her large, blue eyes followed the pursuit below.
On the sidewalk ran a young mortal woman with red, curly hair. She was whimpering in fright, but the Demon on her tail only giggled in excitement.

“C’mon, baby, don’t be afraid. I’m the least of your problems,” the female Demon egged on.

As the woman neared an ally way, the Demon smiled. From beside a wall in the alley, something grabbed the young mortal and hid her away from the lavender haired gremlin. He covered her mouth so she wouldn’t scream and held her body close to his so she wouldn’t be seen. The two watched as the Demon seemed to lose tract of her prey as she landed on the sidewalk, and then extended her fingers once again to somersault in a search for her. When she was gone, the man loosened his grip and the young woman turned around to face him.
He was much taller than her and wore a long, black trench coat with a silver, oval, pendant like zipper dangling to one side. Underneath this coat he wore more black. His face was young but not cheerful in youth in its pale complexion. Long, green hair extended over his face and bright emerald eyes surrounded by an abnormal darkness stared down at her.

“Thank you for saving me,” the woman said graciously.

The young man smiled at the woman in an evil smirk, revealing two long canines, “She was the least of your problems.”

The woman gasped, but that was all she had time for. The Demon lunged at her and tackled her down to the ground behind a dumpster where he sank his pointed daggers into the flesh of her neck. She struggled under his weight, but it was no use and screamed at first, but her voice was lost soon after the first drainage of blood and was dead soon after that.
The Demon from before landed on the dumpster beside them with a loud, metallic "kaplunk!" and watched the easy murder. She giggled a little. Hunting mortals was just too much fun, although she had no use for it.

“You gonna finish this one this time, Drew?” the girl asked, sitting in a dog-like position with her knees folded yet raised up to her chin, her hands supporting her in the front and her bottom not touching the cold metal of the garbage disposal unit.

Drew didn’t pay any attention to her as he sucked out his fill. Even though he was a predator, he didn’t like the fact that his health depended on the mortal population number, and that number was dwindling everyday. Thankfully he wasn’t a full vampire, and only had to go on these hunts once a month or so, depending on the catch.

“She’s small enough...would you answer me?” the female Demon snapped.

Drew lifted his head for breath, “Can’t you see I’m busy, Kelly?” and then he dove back for more.

Kelly rolled her blue pools and checked behind them. If anyone was there, the two of them would be in deep trouble. Not even other darkies could know they, the Demons, still existed right under the noses of the Angels, who had been so kind as to put a bounty on any general Demon’s head.

“Did you bring that knife like I told you to bring?” Drew asked as he wiped the blood off the corner of his mouth.

“Why would I do that when I have ten on me?” Kelly asked as she elongated a hand full of long fingers, “They’re just as good. And why? You didn’t finish, did you?”

Kelly looked down at the carcass Drew was lifting himself off of. The young mortal’s eyes were glazed and her body looked sagged, after all, it had been drained of blood, and her face was pale like that of a ghost. Kelly shook her head without Drew's answer, having the short purple locks tremble against her forehead and slowly bent an extended finger near the neck of the corpse. Drew turned away as Kelly made a clean, quick cut across the throat, decapitating the body.
This was quite necessary, for if blood was left in a victim they would become what bit them. Killing the victims for good would stop the vampire population from growing, not to mention it was the Metropolis Vampiric law. The mortal numbers were dwindling, and if any more vampires than those brought into the world by begetting were introduced, the population would starve or start preying on species that packed more of a punch. It was just too much of a hassle to even think of, and so the Vampiric society of the city issued the Decapitation Act, stating that all victims of vampires be killed immediately. That was years ago, but it was in affect even more now than it had ever been. Kelly wiped the cool blood off her finger.

“I have to admit, this is quite disgusting. Why can’t you just finish them?” Kelly asked, annoyed.

“I can only drink my fill,” Drew told her as he turned back, “C’mon, we gotta finish the job.”

“Why?” Kelly asked, “No one’s gonna know. The police will think it was an average rape. It’s not like any other vampire gets rid of the evidence.”

“For your information, there are Angels on the force, and what if they were to recognize the bite mark? A Demon’s bite is bigger than a vampire’s bite but smaller than a werewolf’s bite. They’d know something was up,” Drew told her, “Nevertheless, I know you know Harley told us to get rid of them, or is your memory that short?”

“Fine, fine, but we’ve already buried one over here,” Kelly told him dismissing the argument she lost every time.

“Then make a hole somewhere else…do I really have to think for you?” Drew asked, folding his arms with a smug look.

They always had conversations full of insult and sarcasm, like any pair of siblings, of course, they weren’t siblings.

“Hey! I’m not the one who needed this…girl’s blood!” Kelly shouted, becoming annoyed.

Drew rolled his eyes, “But you are the one who begs to tag along every time. You have to do something.”

“Yeah! Because I don’t wanna hang out with Harley all day! I know that’s fun for you, but he treats me like…junk!” Kelly raised her voice again, compared to Drew’s calm, low tones.

“Well, if you weren’t such a nuisance…as Harley says,” Drew trailed.

Kelly blew up, “A nuisance! All I do is ask to be fed at least once a day! Ya know, if I could get a job, I’d get one and move the hell out, but alas, I can’t because of those stupid Angels!”

Kelly hoped off the dumpster angrily, extended her fingers again, and began to dig a hole next to the body and its head. She was a fast digger, and as dirt went flying everywhere, the conversation continued.

“You have a point,” Drew said calmly as he bent down to the side of the forming pit, “Sometimes I wish I could move out too.”

Kelly stopped digging and poked her head out from the hole with a pained look plastered on her face.

“Why? He treats you like gold…” Kelly said, “If I were you, I’d stay for the rest of my life.”

“With a curfew at nineteen years of age still?” Drew asked, his eyes narrowed, “I’m not ready to have that at forty. No way.”

“If you live that long. I’m surprised you haven’t caught anything yet,” Kelly mumbled, “Is this deep enough?”

“Immunity and full immortality. End,” Drew told her as he leaned in to check her work, “Yeah, that’s deep enough.”

“You and your immortality,” Kelly said giggling as she hopped out of the hole as agilely as when she jumped over the low roofs.

The two went straight to work as they moved on either side of the small corpse and hoisted it into the pit. It landed on the soft earth with a light “clunk” as maroon colored liquid spurted from the stump between the shoulders. Kelly then picked up the head by the hair and, disgusted, threw it in with the body. It too leaked some blood that was turning black as they stared down at it in disgust. It was something that one couldn’t help watch in its stillness, yet it wasn’t something to look at, at the same time. It wasn’t as if this pair hadn’t seen this sort of thing before, however, for their innocence had been stolen away so many years ago. They started to kick the dirt that had been shoveled out back in, burying the body and the sin they had committed. When all the dirt was back in the hole, it was obvious someone had been digging there, but the two didn’t care. The police force didn't worry enough to uncover it.
Kelly then extended her fingers, hoisting herself up to the nearby roof and disappeared over the corner where a gargoyle sat in his stone waiting for the moon to peak over the horizon. Drew went to follow her as he arched his body forward to expand his black, bat-like wings from his back, for they had been folded during the hunt. They were the one thing that could give his disguise as a vampire away as a Demon. The wings materialized from his back, slowly in their stiffness and the time lapse aided by their great length – a twelve foot wingspan if nothing else. He used them to lift himself onto the roof where Kelly had disappeared to.
He found her on the next roof over, sitting on the cement high above the city life, enjoying the view of another garbage ridden alley, a sidewalk, and an abandoned candy store with windows that were darker than the licorice it used to sell.
This part of town was one step from a slum – it was a bad place to be if one was ignorant or didn’t have any sort of weapon, not to mention the police force had gone to the Pidgey for a while before the Angels hoped on, thinking they could purify the city as well as souls.
Drew landed beside her as she watched as a gremlin climbed out of the dumpster from across the street holding a rotting slice of pizza in his mouth. Drew folded his wings neatly behind him like a bird at rest, and turned to her. Her eyes were distant, as if searching for something better in the endless slate gray of the sky as it darkened, introducing afternoon to evening.

“So, now what? Wanna go home?” Drew asked quietly.

Kelly sighed, “No. I want to be as far away from that…man…as long as I can.”

Drew cocked a thin eyebrow, “Okay, the Kelly I know would’ve slipped in the word ‘*******’ if she were talking about Harley.”

“Yeah, well, I’m trying not to swear anymore. Kitty doesn’t like it,” Kelly said with her nose stuck up in the air, her eyes closed to make a point.

“Kitty? The cat creature...girl…thing at Jack Lantern’s bar?” Drew asked, as if he hadn’t heard her right.

Kelly narrowed her eyes, “Yeah.”

Drew leaned in, “So you’re telling me the one known for being up for hokey pokey with anything with a wallet and a long slender, body part is offended by some choice words?”

“Shut up,” Kelly said distantly.

She wasn’t up for explaining her preferences and Drew just rolled his eyes. Things were just getting weirder, but he tried to dismiss it as best he could.

“Whatever…so, where are we going?” Drew asked uninterested in life it seemed.

“I don’t know…we could sit here until seven,” Kelly suggested, but there was no answer back.

There was just a pained sigh and the rustling of uncomfortable wings. Drew sat next to her, watching the empty street grow older in time.
*************
=3
 
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Jo-Jo

blows stuff uhup
*whistles* Duuuuuude!

Very nice. You can really tell how much work has gone into this. The characters are all IC, which is impressive to pull off in an AU fic, although needless to say the demons are a bit darker than their canon selves. The May/Brock and Drew/Kelly dialogue was particularly strong. The first scene frustrated me, though; I wanted to know about the demons, even if May doesn't! :p But the suspense was good. And I love how Drew and Kelly talk and act like normal kids even as they're doing something totally horrible and shocking. You can tell how damaged they both are, and it's shown rather than told, which is always good.

The only problems so far are that you have a very slight tendency to use purple prose sometimes (but only occasionally; for the most part the description works well). "As she walked to the doorway, which was dwarfed by the large wall it had nestled itself into" is the sentence that leaps to mind. When you start describing stuff that doesn't matter, like the size of a door, then it's best to cut the description because it's only distracting us from the bits that are important. The other thing is there's a bit of infodumping going on at the moment; I know it's necessary to set the scene, but it sometimes feels a bit too much like you're speaking through the characters, trying to give us background knowledge. May rattling off the tale of the angels and demons is an example. The Drew/Kelly bit did this better, because we got plenty of information, but it all arose naturally through the dialogue and setting.

Anyway, that's me done. Looking forward to chapter two. ^_^
 

lilrumpkinkb

Well-Known Member
Woah, Chapter uno was really good! I suprisingly liked the description of the hunt (I usually don't like gore). It's nice that all of the characters are ones we know and love instead of new and foreign ones. That's funny, May failing a class!! During this chapter, I had to remind myself that the school was a normal one instead of some building on top of a cloud in the sky, annd that the Angels and Demons could hide their wings. I'm confused about the difference between a vampire and demon, and what characteristics vampires have in this story? (They differ from story to story sometimes.)

I would like to be on the pm list!!! ~*^_^*~
 

Encyclopika

The Queen
Ah, reviews...I can sleep well now. =)
Jo-Jo said:
The first scene frustrated me, though; I wanted to know about the demons, even if May doesn't!
I promise you'll have truck loads of info soon enough. ^.^ You'll have to wait a few more chaps though. =(
When you start describing stuff that doesn't matter, like the size of a door, then it's best to cut the description because it's only distracting us from the bits that are important.
D'oh! <-lol, you rub off on me. =P Sorry, that sort of thing slips. ^^;; We talk about that all the time too. ^^;;;; gah Will try to leave useless info behind me next time. Nitpicker. lol jk
lilrumpkinkb said:
I'm confused about the difference between a vampire and demon, and what characteristics vampires have in this story? (They differ from story to story sometimes.)
From what we get from Drew so far, vampires are basically smaller in some aspects than Demons ("bite" size, no pun intended) and don't own any wings. Unlike Drew, they have to hunt everyday for blood...and blah blah can't go out during sunny hours, killed by getting decapitated, killed by getting stabbed in the heart at midnight...but my vamps don't turn into bats >> I absolutely hate that.
 
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WHOA!!! That's.. hawt. Lolz. I saw absolutely zip, zilch, nada mistakes, but then again, it's 1:02 am, the lights are off, and I'm typing in the dark. Lolz. Add me to the PM list please!

Over and out,

~!Kitteh!~
 

Fofa

Thunder Trainer
Wow. Simply put, wow. You make my written things look like mold, I can't think of a better word.

I would like to learn more about the demons and such, but I'm sure we'll learn more about it as the story progresses right? And by what Drew said, he might be only half-vampire, I'm guessing.

Can't wait for the next chapter. ;)
 

Juny

Savvy?
Hyuu~ The long-awaited first chapter!

I'm already loving this fic - It's so well described (though sometimes maybe slightly too much, but that's only a very few times) and you kept everyone very in character. I especially liked the Drew/Kelly part. The way it's written makes you think that what they do is just an ordinary thing, while it's actually quite horrible. I love that. <3 And you're using The Seven Deadly Sins! They're probably the best curse you can think of for a Demon. But I'm rambling. Shouldn't be posting when only half awake. ^^;

I can't wait for the next chapter!
 

Stephy

candies!!!11
I loved this chapter! ^_^ How May kept falling asleep...xD And Demons DO exist! =P Wait till you fall in love with a demon, May. xD

Oh yeah, put me on the PM List, Encyclopika! ^_^ Can't wait for next chapter! ^_^

~Cecilia~
 

Jemi Rose

Thunder Trainer
Wow, this is a fic worth to be reading! I was, though, wanted to know( like Jo-Jo) more about the demons. Well, I guess I have to wait for the next up c oming chapters. This story seems similar to the "Charmed", when they had a book that "Seven Sins" like the ones you have explained in your fic. Hm...I wonder, well I guess I have to wait to find out. Well, awesome job, and hope that you update soon.

~*Jemi Rose*~
 

Encyclopika

The Queen
GAH!!! Prologue and one chapter and I already had to delete two posts of SPAM! Please people...for the sake of, demon!vampire!Toast, stop giving me "That was great...do more!" posts. -_-
Anyway...OMG I'm loving these reviews. ^.^ And I know, to the people who mentioned...I detailed a little too much. I'm sorry. -.-;;
Juny said:
And you're using The Seven Deadly Sins! They're probably the best curse you can think of for a Demon.
GAH! I wanna tell you what they do...waaaaaahh. Well, when I do tell you, I'll add that "explaining page" I was talking about on the DoM main page.
Jemi Rose said:
This story seems similar to the "Charmed", when they had a book that "Seven Sins" like the ones you have explained in your fic.
=O I never read that. Sounds good. The Seven Deadly Sins have taken over my life.
Fofa said:
And by what Drew said, he might be only half-vampire, I'm guessing.
Yes, he is...mentioned that in the prologue. ^^;
PM list is as follows, but in the future, not limited too:
Kitteh
~Cecilia~
 

Tiffany

Staff member
Super Mod
You already KNOW I'm going to ask to be on the PM list. :p

Finally DoM has kicked off and might I say it seems really good so far. The description of some of the scenes was really informing (for instance the hunt) and I could actually imagine it happening in my mind. I can't wait to see when May and Drew meet. That's going to be interesting. :p
You did a good job with keeping everyone in character and all that jazz which everyone pointed out already.
 

MayShuufan

Mrs Brendan Birch ^^
Nice, starting with the demons and angels. The demon part fasicnated me more as the demons do seem a lot like vampires except a little different so very cool. Well written and nice description, character's seem right though some people would make them different to suit this plot.

Add me too the PM list please, can't wait for more!
 

Flame Man

Mi Apodo Es Leo
hey, could I be on the PM list please?

You played may like any other lazy schoolgirl: falling asleap in class and getting an F or two.

I never have heard of the 7 deadly sins. Now I know where the homunculi on FMA got their names :)
 

Fofa

Thunder Trainer
Drew being a half-vampire. . . .hmm. . .half-mortal, or half-angel. . . probably half-mortal though.

I want to be added to the PM list. . . :D
 

Encyclopika

The Queen
Well written and nice description, character's seem right though some people would make them different to suit this plot
As Jo-Jo mentioned, Kelly and Drew seen a little more darker, and they are partially. Kelly is a little darker than she is in the show, though I'll try to keep her as IC as long as I can. There will be other characters who seem a little off, but they're not that important.
Flame Man said:
I never have heard of the 7 deadly sins. Now I know where the homunculi on FMA got their names
Well, that's where the interest started. You're on the PM list.
And Fofa, I don't know what you're doing, but I said that Drew is half Demon, have vampire. Okay? You're on the PM list.
 

Animematchmaker2

Romance Maniac
Hey Ama! I didn't find any mistakes, in either the prologue or the chapter, but hey, that could just be me. Ama? Could I pretty please be on the PM list? Thanks so much! (In advance for putting me on the PM list, and for writing this kick a*s story!) Yeah, Kelly does seem a little darker than in the actual anime, but, she's still IC! In fact, everyone is! But, I'm really waiting to see the party, and when, well, you know, an angel falls for a demon, if you know what I mean...can't wait for chapter 2!
 

scrapbook

My Emo Friend
I guess it was okay, Im not much into the vampire and angel things i guess, good discription, so keep continuing
 

Encyclopika

The Queen
I'm really starting to get p*ssed off now. STOP SPAMMING THIS THREAD! Is it so hard to expand "Gee, that was great!" into something that actually talks about the fic? Is it? really? I'm not talking to the people who have already posted, I'm talking to all the SPAMers who come in here and give me that one line bullcrap! It's in the rules, follow it. I'm so not going to deal with this summer NC17 n00b bull. Be forewarned, if you SPAM in here, you will pay for it. Do I make myself clear? Christ! >>
 
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