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Desperation and abandonment

firewater

Well-Known Member
Desperation and Abandonment
Prologue
“Attention passengers, if you look to your left to that small island with a very large volcano right in the middle, at this moment we are looking at Cinnabar island, home of the 7th gym in the Kanto league, the Volcano badge.” Then the pilot turns around and takes the plane soaring towards the stop in Goldenrod, Johto. Then a boy looks out the window and notices a flash of light flying out of the volcano, signifying a battle. The boy turns completely around wondering about his brother and his Umbreon, who was supposedly in Kanto, as he flew to receive his own pokemon from Professor Elm. Smiling on his good luck the boy watches the slowly fading battle. Just as the plane finally leaves the volcano’s sight he notices the two shapes on the field, but as their trainers call out their attacks a loud beep shoots from his pocket, the boy turns around discouraged that he couldn’t see any more of the battle, but more at the fact that his cell phone went off and his highly embarrassing ring tone was heard by everyone else in the plane. After answering the call, he turns around and goes to sleep, trying to decide who to pick for his starter, and if that was his brother fighting in that volcano that was now hundreds of miles away.

“Quilava use hidden power on that Umbreon”

“Umbreon dodge and use shadow ball!”

We turn to see a gym battle between Blaine, the owner of the cinnabar gym and a nameless trainer, wearing blue jeans, and a purple and green striped shirt square off in a gym battle, in Cinnabar’s infamous volcanic arena (think of Ash’s gym battle against him). As a Quilava, a pokemon with dark fur on its back, flames sparking from its neck and rear and a cream colored stomach focuses on the ground as small spheres glowing green surround it. As the Quilava fires the green orbs at the Umbreon, a four legged black pokemon with yellow rings on parts of its body side steps to the right and spits out dark energy until a black mass appears. As Blaine shouts an indecipherable command the ball is fired at the Qulava who just looks completely oblivious to the attack thrown at it. But as the attack lands a brownish aura surrounds Qulava, and sends the shadow ball back to its owner with twice the speed as it had before, and quickly fires a man shaped fire ball that engulfs the shadow ball, and increases its speed, while encasing it in smoke that blinds umbreon and its trainer.

“Now finish that crazy Qulava with a hyper beam NOW!”

Umbreon charges an orange beam that starts to gain power as he holds it in his mouth with every passing second. Unfortunately the countered and flaming shadow ball flies out of the smoke, and collides with the infant hyper beam which protected its user by blocking the super powered blast but left Umbreon defenseless and exhausted. Sensing a victory Blaine exclaims with glee

” now Qulava finish it with overheat for the win!”

“NO UMBREON!!”

As Umbreon pants in exhaustion, Qulava shoots an immense blast of flames that looks just identical to the hyper beam fired just earlier, but a darker red, slams into Umbreon like a truck. The Umbreon was clearly K.Oed but, to everyone’s shock it was sliding off the field towards the surrounding lava. Panicking, the trainer narrowly returns Umbreon before it falls to its death. Visibly shaken Trent immediately screams at Blaine

“WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING?”

As Blaine ignores his opponent’s cry he turns around and watches Trent call out a Hariyama, a giant pokemon, with a large body, that looks like he is wearing square, yellow rectangles that goes around its ample waist, while he has gigantic legs and hands he is most known for being a pokemon who looks like a sumo wrestler in general. As the referee announces the next round to begin Hariyama quickly grows in size, and his questionable fat grows to muscle, which it the result of Hariyama’s choice to bulk up its body, and stats with the known attack as bulk up.



“Qulava, use flamethrower NOW!”

As Hariyama’s attack finishes, Blaine’s Qulava fires a giant flame at Hariyama that connects, and leaves a sizeable burn on its torso. As Blaine smirks he then realized which ability Hariyama has as it punches the ground , sending shock waves towards Qulava, but also drops several rocks onto the field as well. Qulava, who was not prepared had no chance to use counter as the field shakes from Hariyama’s earthquake. But as it staggers weakly to its feet, it is then hit by a large rock that knocks it out for the count.

As Blaine throws out his next pokeball, he watches as Hariyama falls to one knee, as the burn starts to sink in.Blaine thinks for a moment on who he chooses to pick next, as Trent and Hariyama start to grin at each other. Then with a grin he throws out his second out of three pokemon, a fox-like pokemon with nine white tails, otherwise known as Ninetales. Blaine grins as he quickly whispers his attack to Ninetales, who immediately glows blue and green, and has two beams flying out of his head, the blue one looking like a DNA strand while the green line looks like a chain. Hariyama turns around and is shocked to see both beams slam into his skull, and into his brain. Hariyama’s brain ceases for a moment as the blue line goes into its head, absorbing the information of the Hariyama’s Earthquake while the green chain silently goes behind and erases all of Hariyama’s memories of the attack.

Hariyama finally comes out of its trance and immediately tries to slam his foot for another Earthquake, yet again and again the telltale shaking does not occur, and the burn spreads farther with every slam of the foot. Trent looks on confused until he notices Ninetales grinning as Blaine falls over in laughter over the repeated failed attempts, and Trent’s inattentiveness.

Finally Trent gets angry and orders Hariyama to use a rest attack which Blaine immediately counters.

“Hariyama, Rest now”

“oh no you don’t Ninetales, use Earthquake now.”

Blaine finally shows an exaggerated face of pity as Ninetales’ feet slam down sending the drowsy sumo into the air. Trent screams an attack but Hariyama is too far away to hear him and as the sumo finally comes back into sight, Ninetales’ mouth glows red and as Hariyama is right above him, Ninetales fires its fire spin which is a direct hit but the fire engulfs Hariyama who in extraordinary pain uses his last energy to land right on Ninetales K.Oing them both. As the two trainers return their fallen pokemon, Trent whispers a few words while Blaine just throws out his final pokemon, a yellow and red pokemon, with a duckbill as a mouth, known as Magmar. Trent straightens up, and immediately throws out a pokeball, which opens to show a purple circle, with many small valves on its body, otherwise known as Koffing, who immediately glares at the larger Magmar and without an order fires a large blob at Magmar, who immediately counters as its eyes start to glow blue. The blue forms into a wall which pushes the sludge back, and then slams into Koffing, slamming him to the ground for lots of damage. The purple orb wobbles up, but then its face curls into a grin as his trainer calls the next attack

“Koffing, use thunderbolt now.”

Koffing starts to glow yellow, as an orb forms in its mouth, but as the thunderbolt is unleashed Magmar fires a cloud of smoke, engulfing the field and blinding his opponent, but Koffing Smirks and fires anyway, the electricity fires through the cloud, becoming a giant electrified cloud, stunning Magmar, and causing it to cry out. Koffing immediately starts to spin and throws itself at the voice, causing a direct hit at Magmar, who then collapses to the ground. The referee is about to announce the end of the battle when Magmar starts to glow and starts to grow longer, and wider as Koffing and Trent stare in shock, Trent screaming

“Magmar can’t evolve, can it?!”

But evolve Magmar did and as Blaine grins, Trent goes “Oh Crap” as Koffing begins to back up, firing sludge in random directions as this strange looking thing looks up and grins, firing a smokescreen again, right at Koffing. Koffing, who is still scared fires another thunderbolt and hearing the same shout, dashes into the same direction as before but is then slammed back into the smoke by a quickly moving red tornado, which knocks Koffing to the ground, and nearly ignites it, causing Trent to worry a little as Koffing floats back into position. Meanwhile, the strange pokemon is talking to his trainer, and as Koffing finally gets up Blaine Exclaims with glee
“I now introduce my newest pokemon Buuburn, who will now begin to destroy you.”

Panicking from Blaine’s calm attitude, Trent orders Koffing to fire another thunder bolt at the Buuburn but to his shock Buuburn’s left arm glows yellow and it then absorbs the whole attack into that one arm. Then as Koffing and Trent look on shocked the claws in the other arm retracts and Buuburn tosses the electrical ball at Koffing, and then fires another of those flaming tornadoes, which catches the electricity, which turns the twister into a striped pattern of red and yellow waves. Koffing tries to run, but when it turns the attack slams into him, causing a giant explosion which causes the townspeople to turn and look at the volcano and then start to scream as a small ball soars up, and explodes in a gigantic cloud of fire.

Trent watches in horror and he begins to scream as Koffing slams into the arena, still glowing red and screaming in pain. Trent runs over and tries to pick his pokemon up but the heat burns his arms until he drops him. Then still panicking he throws out a pokeball, which reveals a short crocodile pokemon, with white spots on its stomach and three red spikes on its head who after seeing his comrade in so much pain immediately fires a Hydro pump on Koffing, creating a large steam cloud. As the steam dissipates, Croconaw then looks at the thing that caused Koffing’s pain and dashes forward, both of his arms glowing, one blue and the other seeming to hold a ball of light, as he charges down at Buuburn to avenge his teammate’s pain……

I’m trying this again, as The first time it flopped, and I hadn’t saved it so I’m just trying again. Please give me comments and feed back please
 

Goldliop

Powerplay Champion
truth... i'd love to read this... but my eyes imploded before i could.
 

Tezza

Bird Master
Heya Mate. I agree, sticking to the basic fonts of the forum because they're easiest to read.

'Then' is one of those word's writers try to avoid because it's too easy to slip into a "And then this happened and then that happened' mantality. 'Then' is a *looks for the word* harsh word? It breaks up flow and its in your best interest to keep it going.

If you read it aloud that will pick up the bits that are uncomfortable to read, like word repetition and those abrupt changes from topic to topic. You jump from the pilot, to a boy, to his brother. Try to dwell on things for a few sentence, build up a picture in our heads and put things in perspective.

Rereading also picks up typos, like the uncapitalised Cinnibar and mispelled Quilava further in the text. In fact the battle scene is a shocker for typos. If you keep missing them, it means that you don't care about your fanfiction. If you don't care, we won't. Have pride in your work and make it the best it can be. Correct spelling and punctuation are easy peasy.

If I may,

Attention passengers, if you look to your left to that small island with a very large volcano right in the middle, at this moment we are looking at Cinnabar island, home of the 7th gym in the Kanto league, the Volcano badge,” the pilot announced in a calm, authoritive voice. Turning the throttle, it carried towards Johto and its largest city, Goldenrod.

Inside the plane, a boy stared with fascination through the threads of clouds sifting over the ocean bound volcano. He'd never flown before, and it was wonderful to see the world from so high up. It gave you persepective. The volcano did that too. He could see the molten magma, a dull red blanket seething inside the ancient mountain and imagined he could hear the slow bubbling and crumbling of rock. Heat waves rippled the air below them.

How long had it been there? How long would it stay? Would it ever erupt again? He smiled dryly. He was always interested in those kinds of things

Suddenly out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of light fly from crevice on the rocky surface below.

My apology putting it past tense, rather than the present tense you chose. Just the one I feel comfortable with. You keep it consistent, good on ya!

Otherwise, how's that? Feel the flow from one topic to another. Put yourself in your characters boots, pretend to be him and describe what you see and you feel!

There's also no word repetion. I see you use the word 'turns' heaps. Don't be afraid to use your thesaurus. 'Swivelled in his seat' 'twisted around'.

Reading lots will really increase your vocabulary and will help you get into a natural flow of writing. Read! Read! Read! Published stuff like Harry Potter or Animorphs, or fanfiction like the stuff on this forum. I think reading is the best thing you can do to help yourself.

Try to avoid author's notes in the middle of your writing, that too disrupts the movie in our head. It's like a narrator with a really annoying voice poping in for a single line.
(think of Ash’s gym battle against him).
Rather than referring us back to a scene in the anime, rather redescribe the scene for us to see. Some of us might have missed that episode or forgotten it.

Three platforms of rock rose up from the sloshing magma, two for the trainers and one between them broad enough to facilitate a Pokemon battle.

I find it kind of strange you reserve most of your description for Pokemon, things we already know what they look like but don't really describe things like the scenery, or body language, guestures, expressions. Paint us a picture!

Your battle is pretty good, pretty dynamic with good vocabulary. Just split it up into more paragraphs and it will look good as well as sound good. Don't underestimate a readers need for aesthetics.

I particuarly like the end of the battle where Umbeon almost slips, nice causuality.


Hope I've been helpful and I'm sorry the review is so disjointed.
In summary
  • Reread your work multiple times and fix up ALL punctuation and spelling mistakes. Its the easiest way to get the reviewer on your side.
  • Reread to check for word repetition and flow of sentencing. Reading aloud makes it easier.
  • Elaborate and describe a bit more. You did marvellously in the battle scene, but other parts are kind of bland.
  • Paragraphing. New topic, new line.

Ta and good luck. Don't be embarassed about rewriting or reposting. We do it all the time and no one thinks anything of it.
 

firewater

Well-Known Member
ok thanks for mentioning the changes i need to make, I'll post the second chapter soon

Chapter 1- Revenge, is it truly sweet?
As the plane glides gently down to Goldenrod Airport the boy mentioned earlier gets yet another call on his phone. Answering it he immediately starts to stammer, tripping over his bag as he quickly answers the phone.

“Proffessor Elm, yes I’ve just arrived and may I say that this is a great honor to be accepted into your------- yes, ok, yes I like all pokemon, see you at your lab. My name?”

“why do you want it?, well anyway I’m Trent’s brother, Dan. Anyway see you soon Professor. What, you want me to go to the pokemon center instead? for a test?”

The boy, or Dan quickly rushes out of the airport and dashes towards the pokemon center, running around, into, or over people as he rushes to gain his first pokemon and to start his new life as a trainer…..

“Buuburn thunder punch now”

“Croconaw dodge, and use focus punch”

We turn back to Cinnabar island and the battle between Blaine and Trent. Which is not very friendly to the arena, since as these attacks have been called there are many holes, cracks, and burns as Croconaw’s and Buuburn’s fists collide,you see the two pokemon grinning, Croconaw’s fist glowing white, and Buuburn’s glowing yellow until an explosion is heard and Croconaw is sent backwards through a cloud of smoke. It grins, then leaps into the ground and disappears in a dig attack. Buuburn is confused and is then slammed hard itself when Croconaw bursts out from underneath him, knocking him to the ground as Croconaw dives back underground creating yet another hole in the arena grounds. Blaine smirks as his pokemon finally understands what to do, as Buuburn finally plods to the hole and charges up energy in its mouth until…

“Croconaw, use hydro pump now”

“WHAT!?”

Blaine and Buuburn are both surprised at the attack, and as the water slams into Buuburn, Trent finally looks around at his Koffing, who is still trying to be cooled off by his last two pokemon, first he was being soaked with water by a large pokemon being held up by dozens of tentacles, two sharp, blue stingers and two large pulsing orbs on top of his head. The other pokemon, had tan skin, with purple rings of fur on his waist and neck, who was holding a spoon that was glowing white as energy beams fire from it trying to heal the injuries on Koffing’s burnt and injured body. The Tentacruel and Alakazam were trying to cool off and heal the still glowing red Koffing, completely oblivious to the battle in front of them.

“CROCONAWWWWWW.”

Hearing a shout of pain all three healthy spectators turn and watch ac Croconaw flies up into the air, soaring higher and higher, as his stomach is being assaulted by a yellowish beam that starts to fizzle out as Buuburn finally collapses to one knee, exhausted from firing a solarbeam, and holding it for an extended period of time. Trent looks on horrified and fearful for Croconaw’s health, when suddenly a twinkle of steadily increasing light fills up the whole sky where Croconaw flew up. Then everyone looks up and notices a much larger blue meteor heading right for Blaine’s balding head. Buuburn quickly pushes Blaine out of the way, and closes its eyes as Feraligatr’s fist was glowing brown, and was aimed for the exact same spot that Blaine, then Buuburn was standing on which was right in the middle of the extremely abused battlefield. Closing its eyes Buuburn has one of his fists glow yellow, and just as Feraligatr’s earth encrusted fist slams into him Buuburn thrusts its electrified arm right into Feraligatr’s stomach.

The two stagger around, and faint. Trent immediately returns Feraligatr and Tentacruel and slapping Blaine’s arm holding the volcano badge away, he rushes way to the pokemon center with Alakazam carrying Koffing in a psychic grasp, trying to hold back the tears in his eyes…..

Meanwhile Blaine looks a Buuburn's pokeball and asks hinself, with a little bit of respect and pity

"did I actually go to far?"

“hello are you Dan?”

Dan turns and sees a man behind him wearing a blue jacket and jeans with a Xatu standing behind him. Before Dan can explain, the mysterious person returns the bird and starts to explain that he is the person that Professor Elm sent to retrieve him, but with a twist.

“anyway Professor told me that you are to get a preliminary test before he can give you a pokemon, also whichever pokemon you pick from this bag will be your other pokemon besides your starter, in other words you get to keep it. Your task will be to defeat me in a battle. win you pass lose you fail”

Dan stares dumbfounded until he hears the part about a practice battle. He starts smiling until he sees the bag, which is filled with dozens of pokeballs, and he is startled to learn that he has to choose to take along with him. So he searches through the bag until he notices a ball that is starting to rattle and shake around until it goes into his hand. Surprised, Dan pulls it out and throws it open to reveal a furry, purple sphere with two stubby arms and the largest eyes that he has ever seen. While his testing manager doubles over in laughter over his choice, Dan turns to his new pokemon and grins saying

“welcome to the team Venonat I hope…..”

His tester grins as he pulls a pokeball from his personal belt and smirks as he walks out side the center, motioning for Dan to follow, just as he walks outside he has to dive away, as a large pokemon with blue skin, and a large swirl on its belly fires a huge blast of water, slamming thru the door until one of Nurse Joy’s Chansey runs into the water, which is powerful enough to knock it onto the floor while the other five stop what they are doing and stare at the Poliwrath with hate in their eyes. Dan looks on in anger as Venonat walks onto the field with determination in its eyes as Dan calls out an attack, while his opponent is doubled over in laughter at the result
“Venonat use stun spore.”

“Poliwrath, bubble beam”

The bug goes first by jumping into the air, shooting waves of poisonous, orange powder into the air which to his surprise is knocked away by a steady stream of bubbles, that push the powder to the sides, and slam into the bug’s body in a display of mini explosions, that merged to grow larger and larger until the bubbles explode, Venonat stands up and starts wobbling, as his large eyes are contracting rapidly, he wobbles around and fires a strangely colored wind which after glowing the colors of the rainbow, glows silver and heads straight for Poliwrath. Stunned by the winds at first, Poliwrath grins and starts to spin, effectively wrapping the winds into a mini tornado. Without his master’s command Poliwrath fires the mini tornado at the group of Chanseys huddling around their fallen teammate. Unable to move themselves they look away and brace for impact until they see a shadow go in front of the attack. They look up and see that Venonat has taken the attack, and is now trapped inside. The Chansey start to cheer until they see Dan's face and how his jaw hits the ground at which they get in a huddle and try to think of a way to help. Unknowing this Dan shouts every attack Venonat knows that he can think of to try and get him out of that tornado….

“Venonat use psybeam , psychic, stun spore, poison powder, leech life, gust, double edge, something, just get out of that whirlwind!”

“Haaa hawwwww, Poliwrath finish this with a focus punch.”

Finally Donald finally stops laughing enough to tell his name to the shaken rookie..

“my haahaa name ha is Donald HAAA Haa Ohhhhkaaay.”

Glaring in anger and sadness all Dan can do is watch as the mini twister slowly twirls towards Poliwrath’s glowing fist. Then suddenly a gigantic thunder flashes across the field slamming into Poliwrath and Donald, causing them to collapse as Venonat finally gets out of the weakening twister. Grinning at his luck Dan calls out an attack while looking at the six suddenly quiet Chansey.

“Venonat, finish them with a hidden power now!”

Donald and Poliwrath look up with fear in their eyes as Venonat’s eyes glow blue, and thousands of energy balls fly into the paralyzed team, causing a large explosion and knocking the two into the distance, while everyone cheers. Venonat looks up happily then collapses causing the first Chansey to stand, and hold its egg up as it glows pink, and rainbow beams of light rain down and fully heal Venonat. Just as Venonat runs up to Dan, the eldest Chansey walks up holding a gold egg with white spots on it, wanting to give it to Dan. Stunned Dan looks around and smiles as Nurse Joy and everyone else around him starts to clap and cheer.

Suddenly the five other Chansey jump around the eldest, who starts to glow and in happiness they start moving their arms for a metronome, and instead of the petal dances they wanted, a large whirlwind surrounds Dan as he drops the egg on Venonat’s head. Then to everyone else’s shock a thunder and two ice beams slam into the whirlwind causing Dan to scream in pain as everyone else sweatdrops at his pain. Finally the last Chansey gets a petal dance, showering nearly everyone with happiness and peace- except Dan, who is assaulted by the leaves that enter the whirlwind, and was being whipped around at hundreds of miles an hour. Finally the winds stop and the five Chansey carry Dan inside with a Blissey carrying Venonat and the egg right behind them.

I hope this is better, and I’m sorry if the other chapter was too small to read.
 
Last edited:

firewater

Well-Known Member
can people please start reading this, as I'm sick of double(now triple) posting

* I forgot to mention I do not own pokemon, or anything else but my character in this story.(but I wish I did)
Chapter 2: Machamp, Machamp were did your brain go?


As Trent looks up he sees a four armed pokemon, with a gigantic belt staring in his face, he then notices that he is in a bed and immediately notices that his possibly mortally wounded Koffing was nowhere to be seen. Without thinking he immediately shouts at the very large pokemon who is looking at him….

“where am I, and WHERE IS MY KOFFING!?”

Stunned by that the person he was looking at was looking at him, Machamp inadvertenly starts to glow, and his four hands start to glow white. Unoticing this he starts over to carry the teen to Nurse Joy until a blue alligator, that was as tall as he looks at him and motions at his glowing arms. Sweating at the potentially fatal accident chance, and the unbeleving stares of the four other pokemon in the room he quietly walks into the wall. After recovering and walking out the door he immediately runs over to the first pink haired person he sees, not even noticing that his employer and trainer had walked into the room and was chatting with the young man when he suddenly looks and sees that the girl isn’t wearing a dress. Groaning he stops dragging her to the room, and starts to go back to the room when he suddenly trips over a large red flower, with very stubby branches. Machamp looks up and sees a very angry face from the Vileplume, but while trying to explain the accident he fails to see the glowing ball of light on the top of the Vileplume’s head.

“Nurse Joy, where is Koffing?, and where am I?”

“well you are in the Cinnibar Island Hman recovery center in the pokemon center, we found you unconscious with your Koffing and Alakazam. Umbreon, Hariyama, Frealigatr and Alakazam are alright but Koffing isn’t ……..”

“what was wrong with Alakazam? And what about Koffing?”

“Alakazam was suffering from exhaustion, and Koffing is in very serious condition. He also has something weird happening to him too.”

Nurse Joy starts to explain what is going on with Trent’s Koffing when a large explosion is heard. Looking out the door they hear yelling, a scream, and then a flying Machamp speeding towards the back wall, his body being moved by a beam of pure energy. Nurse Joy sighs and walks out the door with a black and yellow ball in one hand and a pinkish ball in the other. Trent turns and looks as the first girl starts yelling even more, and orders her Vileplume to fire another solarbeam. Finally the girl looks up and notices Trent, looks and stares in horror as her Vileplume’s blast is heading straight for Nurse Joy. The Nurse calmly looks up and frowns as a green shield projects around her, and a very large pink egg-shaped pokemon lands in front of her frowning fiercely. As calmly as possible Nurse Joy beckons to another Chansey who takes the Ultra ball and places it in a instant recover machine. Next she turns around and angrily shouts

“WHAT NERVE DO YOU HAVE SHOOTING A SOLARBEAM IN A POKEMON CENTER WHERE THERE ARE MANY INJURED POKEMON THAT YOU COULD HAVE HURT, WELL YOU ARE NOT BANNED FROM THIS CENTER, BUT YOU WILL BE TAUGHT A LESSON OUTSIDE NOW!”
“or are you chicken?”

Everyone and every pokemon looks at Nurse Joy and the pink haired girl who is quickly dragged outside by the other Chansey to a grassy field, with all of the boxes, boundaries and other things needed for an arena, which was right below the humans’ recovery ward. Trent grins from his seat and waits for the fireworks to begin

Trent turns and watches, as a guy who looks to be the pink- haired girl’s boyfriend walks to the Referee’s box, shows a referee badge and announces the rules…

“this is a two on two pokemon battle with no time limit, between Sally Simms of Celadon, and Nurse Joy of Cinnibar island. There will be no substitutions BEGIN!”

Some out of town trainers are confused, yet all of the locals know what is going on as on Sally’s side, a bug that looks like a very large wasp, with black and yellow stripes, large red eyes, and three stingers flies out on the field as on Nurse Joy’s side, the same Machamp is up and on the field and ready to go

“Machamp, flamethrower right now!”

“ WHAT! Beedrill, use swords dance, then poison sting quickly.”

Being in mid yawn after hearing Nurse Joy’s attack Sally looks as bored as her Beedrill patiently waits, as Machamp immediately spits out a large beam of fire. Machamp starts to grin as the blast collides with Beedrill, until Beedrill finally gets up to speed with her Swords dance. But instead of flying to the sides, the fire starts to spin with Beedrill until the fire forms an orb around the Bug. Stunned Sally watches, as Beedrill finally comes out of the orb with swirls in its eyes. But it wasn’t K.oed but was confused. With Sally’s mouth dropping lower and lower Beedrill aims her arms straight up, and fire a hyper beam straight in the air.

“NOOOOOOO, don’t do that Beedrill, I told you to use poison sting….”

Finally after a good five minuets the orange beam washes down a reward of pain, Sally looks away. Looking back she sees that Beedrill is fainted, and is out for the count.

“………….ugh go Roselia.”


Machamp gets into a ready position yet again, but without orders quickly charges at the flower shaped pokemon with his hands glowing, and curled into fists. Roselia immediately rushes at the larger pokemon which to the spectators appeared to be a suicide pact. Then the crowd grows silent as they watch the small pokemon dodge all four fists, to the point where Machamp collapses to the ground. Roselia quickly senses its chance and fires a cloud of Orange powder at the fallen wrestler. Machamp lies stunned for a moment, then to everyone’s surprise he rushes at the Roselia and punches him in the stomach, slamming him into a tree. Machamp quickly recovers, and rushes over again, but as he goes to punch again he freezes in mid step. Roselia grins and shows his incapacitated opponent the rainbow of colors showing on his normally blue and red hands before releasing waves of silvery leaves which knock Machamp backwards. Finally with a smirk he starts to spin, releasing pink petals of every size and shape that slams into Machamp, finally K.oing him.

Nurse Joy starts to think but then her beeper goes off. When she checks on the screen to see what patient it is she immediately grows grim, simply pointing at Roselia, tossing her Chansey’s pokeball, Returns Machamp to his, and rushes to the ICU ward. Sally grins and starts to shout an attack but as her Roselia dashes over to fire another Magical leaf, all she hears is a particle cannon charging up. Confused she looks at Chansey, the orb in between its arms, and the speed of Roseila’s charge. She tries to call him back but as she starts Chansey picks up the orb in her right arm, and points it right into Roselia’s face. He stops and looks sympathetically to the crowd, and is then blasted by the beam, and is pushed back until he slams into his trainer knocking them both out. Chansey grins and picks up the two by their feet and skipping along the path towards the center is managing to hit every tree trunk in the path with their heads. Meanwhile….

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH Venonat what’s the deal with trying to get a girlfriend, pissing off her trainer, getting me hit by another thunder attack, stealing food from a baby spearow, and getting us chased by a horde of Beedrills anywayyy HELP MEEEeE!!”

Looking back in Ilex forest we see Dan and Venonat running away as a Scizor, about twenty spearow and fearow , and another dozen beedrills are chasing them with gleams in their eyes, and with poison stings, tri attacks, and hyper beams following their every step all Dan can do is run until…

“Owwww I tripped.”

“oh crud”

Dan falls, and seeing the pain he was going to receive, curls into a ball but just as the pokemon were about to attack him, suddenly another silver wind twister picks them up, and one by one each of the enraged pokemon were tossed out and K.oed. Dan stares at Venonat, until they see another pokemon right in front of them. This pokemon was in a Dragonflyish shape, with two large, red eyes, and six small appendages on its belly. Next to it was a boy, wearing all green and holding a net who quickly returns the pokemon to its pokeball. Dan stares in shock until their savior goes and introduces himself.

“ Hey, the pokemon that just saved your sorry butts is Yanma, and I’m Bugsy a bug expert and the leader of the Azelia town gym. Home of the Bug type Hive badge.”

“Wh……oooooo”

“wow he’s out cold. Hello?, Hello?” “Well time to get help then come on out scyther, and you too ariados.”

As Dan and Venonat sleep peacefully, being guarded by The Gym leader Bugsy’s pokemon, both are wondering if they will survive each other or the Journey ahead of them.
 

Golden Charmander

Beginning Trainer
I don't normally review things, but I'll give it a try.

Try adding a line or some sort of seperator when switching between Dan and Trent's perspective. Otherwise the reader may get confused. Also don't talk directly to the audience. There are many cases when the narrator uses the words you and we.

Battle description is pretty good, but don't get carried away. You tend to use a lot of complex sentences, which is good, but not every sentence has to be 2-3 lines long. Too many complex sentences make it difficult to read. Make sure to add in a few shorter sentences for variety.

There are also several minor spelling and grammar errors that can be easily avoided by rereading or having someone else read your story before you post it here. Also make sure to write out knocked out or fainted instead of saying the pokemon was K.O.ed.

With dialouge make sure it is clear to the reader who is speaking and that the first word is capitalized.

There were also a few confusing parts in the story...

“Croconaw, use hydro pump now”

“WHAT!?”

Blaine and Buuburn are both surprised at the attack,

Why would Blaine be confused about a Croconaw using Hydro Pump? Was he not expecting it to know the attack or was the attack so powerful that it surprised Blaine? Make sure to fully describe what you are thinking.

In the upcoming chapters also try to add in more story. If there are too many battles in too short of time, readers may lose interest.

Anyway, I look forward to your next chapter.
 

Tezza

Bird Master
I will agree with Ol'mate. Write for the love of writing, reviews are a bonus.

Cheers mate, onya for changing the fonts and fixing up your formatting! That aughta draw in a few more people. It also helps to get your name around and making connections, reviewing others and commenting in the Authors Community.

Remember what I said about word repetition? You have some more of that in the first paragraph, the word in question is 'phone'. Alternatively it could have been 'tripping over his bag as he quickly answered it.' I also see further down repetition with the word 'anyway' in dialogue to the Professor, although that could be a funny little speaking quirk of Dan's.

I also mentioned rereading your work to pick up misspellings, ala 'Proffessor' instead of 'Professor'. A simple spelling mistake as close as that to the beginning of the chapter doesn't bode well for us and will probably deter people. And not two lines down I see miscapitalisation.

Maybe I didn't say clearly enough how much proper spelling, paragraphing and punctuation mean to the reader. I'll say it now,

Spelling, Paragraphing and Punctuation Are Reeaaaaaaaallllly Important!!!

If you can't get those easy things right, they really don't have much hope for much else. Finish your chapter, reread it. Leave it a day and come back and reread it again. People most often miss spelling mistakes out of familiarity with their own writing so if you show the restraint to wait a day, you also show your own maturity. Go on, take the time, I promise you its worth it.

Now you change scene quickly. We barely sink into the scene where Dan talks to the Professor when we're tossed to meet Trent. I agree with speaking in first person at random points, ditch it. Instead, use a scene break,

|+|--------------------|+|​

or whatever and then ease us into another scene. Build up its description and its atmosphere all over again. Eek, really, really bad punctuation... Again the battle is great, some attacks need a dynamic retouch, but still needs to be spread out more. Also a tip, if you're going for excitement and urgency, try to make your sentences short and sharp.

Trent finally looks around at his Koffing, who is still trying to be cooled off by his last two pokemon, first he was being soaked with water by a large pokemon being held up by dozens of tentacles, two sharp, blue stingers and two large pulsing orbs on top of his head. The other pokemon, had tan skin, with purple rings of fur on his waist and neck, who was holding a spoon that was glowing white as energy beams fire from it trying to heal the injuries on Koffing’s burnt and injured body. The Tentacruel and Alakazam were trying to cool off and heal the still glowing red Koffing, completely oblivious to the battle in front of them.

See those repeated words, vary your vocabulary. A thesaurus is a newbie writer's best friend.

There's another scene change but I didn't even pick it up. I ran straight into the next one going 'What? What happened?' and had to go back and reread. Make scenes changes clean cut.

As difficult as the paragraph was to read (an absolute shocker, consider going back and rewriting it) I adore the idea of Venonat as a beginner! How brilliant and original. Bravo. I am however highly, highly, oh very highly, suspect of a Venonat beginner battling a Poliwrath.

Thru? Thru? Please don't use chat speak in fics. Think about it mate, when was the last time you read Harry Potter or whatever and there was the word 'thru'?

Go into more description of your battles. You get the idea that they're monsters battling back and forth but it lacks the dynamic. Think of Nurse Joy running into the water? What do you see? She's stroking, struggling against the waves, uniform plastered against her skin with water churning around her. Water drips from her hair into her eyes? Little details are great for building the bigger ones.

“Haaa hawwwww, Poliwrath finish this with a focus punch.”

Finally Donald finally stops laughing enough to tell his name to the shaken rookie..

“my haahaa name ha is Donald HAAA Haa Ohhhhkaaay.”

Wha? Honestly, wha?

Now I'm rolling my eyes. I don't want to but I am, I'm sorry. A venonat starter, defeating a well trained poliwrath.... Dear dear....

Now let me make this clear. Get the basics right, spelling, grammar punctuation. If you can't pick up on those I'll feel like you're ignoring all the work I put into reviews and I won't be buggered to come back. Come on, they're easy.
 
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