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Destiny Bonds

Shymain

Shaymin Lover
Yeah, admittedly the chapter's a bit short, but it doesn't really matter.

Just a note– at the very beginning of the chapter, you used 'kept' twice in one sentence. Rather change one to another word i.e. continued.

Now, in regards to the character, I have to say that you're not letting the main characters expand their, well, character! You really need to make less action scenes, and more just hanging around to have times where they're interacting and showing that they do ot, in fact, have multiple personality disorder, but have their own unique character.

For the plot, I'd say it's improving, but admittedly the chapter length is holding it back a bit. I really did like the touch about how Pokèmon are also as advanced as humans, which really differs from the norm.

Ooh, how could the Absol be, and what does he know?

Keep Writing!

-Shymain
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Hmmm... OK, thanks for the review! I will keep all that in mind, and hopefully when my next chapter comes out it will be even better than the last! :D
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Awww, thanks! I really appreciate it... seriously. :3 And I will! Next chapter should be out within the next few days hopefully. :3 Plus a new banner for my fic (that I am gonna put in my sig) should be ready soon... yay! :3
 

NPT

Just a member
This chapter was good .... but Like Shymain said, you need to expand the main characters personalities.
So another Absol was behind the bushes? I didn't see that coming. This absol turned out to be evil, I guess he's going to be this story's antagonist.
I wonder What does the Absol knows? And why is he keeping it a secret ?
I hope it will be revealed soon, Keep up the good work.
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Thanks for the reviews everyone! They are VERY appreciated! :D Sorry that this chapter once again turned up too short for whatever reason... I am trying to get better at that! :/ But anyways, without further ado, here is the next chapter:

Chapter Six: Unexpected Happenings...

"Get back here you stupid pests!" The Absol cried at us, as he began to gain on us... he was just too fast, even for an Absol! There was definitely something strange about him... I could tell.

"What do we do, what do we do, what do we do?!" I pondered as my friends and I ran for our lives.

"Sky, what do we do?!" Swoobat asked me.

"How should I know! That is what I am trying to figure out!" I said, a bit irritably.

"Guys, stop squabbling... you are slowing us down!" Joltik quickly said to both of us. He was riding atop of Swoobat, hanging on for dear life as we ran from this evil Absol.

"This feels like it is coming out of some cliché book or movie..." I muttered under my breath. "The chase, an evil weirdo villain, it just all sounds so cliché... and it is happening to me of all people! Well, Pokémon now I guess..."

But my ponderings were cut short as I felt some claws raking at me from behind.

"Owww!" I yelled as I tried to kick the evil Absol, who I was sure was the one who was scratching me. But when I looked behind, no one was there. I started to freak out a bit on the inside, but I just kept running... I didn't dare stop.

"Sky? Are you alright?" Swoobat huffed at me.

"No. I'm not... there is something bad going to happen. I just know it!" I said with a deathly stare in my eyes. All of a sudden, something began to attack me, which I caught out of the corner of my eye. I was shocked when I saw a Marill coming towards me. But this Marill wasn't like any other... there was something wrong with it. It was black, with evil red eyes. As I stood in awe looking at this strange Pokémon, it came and attacked me, biting my leg!

"Ow!" I screamed, as I quickly tried to use sucker punch on it. I failed, as a Chatot began using peck on my face so I couldn't see a thing!

"Hey, stop it!" Swoobat said as she quickly used Confusion on the Chatot. This hardly made it flinch.

"You think you can stop me, you dimwits?!" he shrieked with a pure look of evil on his face. He didn't look like a normal Chatot either, he was all black, but his eyes weren't red like Marills. They were blue instead.

"Stop this! Leave us alone!" Joltik yelled as he used thunderbolt on the Marill. This knocked it out, but only for a brief moment.

"You're not going anywhere." The Marill said as it slowly got up from being struck by Thundershock, which with Joltik being so small, had actually done quite a lot of damage!

"Oh yeah? Says who?!" I said as I quickly used Bite on the Chatot.

"Ouch!" It yelled once it had been hit by the move.

"Why are you really here?!" Swoobat quickly said.

"Why should I tell someone as stupid as you that?!" He snickered back at us.

"Hey! What gives you the right to call her that?!" I quickly growled back.

"Hey, I am just doing what pleases my master." He said with a devious smile on his face. "And you must be Sky, who he has sought after for so long."

"How do you know my name?!" I asked back, starting to panic a little after the Chatot had said this.

"Why does it matter?" He said back, simply.

"Where is your master?" I quickly asked him. I figured this master was obviously the evil Absol, but I just wanted to know where he had gone off to. It was like he was setting us up for some reason...

"Why should I tell you?" He was really annoying me now by his smarty-pants remarks.

"Tell me now, or else I will attack you again!" I snarled. My inner Absol was starting to take over once again...

"Woah... what's up with Sky? It's like he totally changed in an instant." Swoobat observed.

"Yeah? And you think I am going to be scared of a human like you?!" The Chatot finally had said it. I had been waiting for him to finally reveal the truth about what they knew about me, and he had finally done it. He and his so called master knew that I was a human. But how, and why?!

"How do you know that?!" I snapped back.

"Why should I tell you? Remember, I am just doing what my master wants me too... I will obey him no matter what!" By this time the Marill, who had been letting the Chatot take over for the past while, finally came back over and started attacking us again. It quickly used its BubbleBeam attack on me, shrouding me with hundreds of bubbles.

"Ack, stop it!" I screamed. But it was no use, as it didn't look like it was going to stop anytime soon.

"You fool!" The Chatot laughed as it watched me. "Haha!"

"Hey! Stop treating my friend like that!" Swoobat than used Heart Stamp on the Chatot, which made it flinch so it couldn't move.

"How dare you think you can stop me!" He shreaked, but he couldn't move.

Swoobat than used Heart Stamp on the Marill as well, but this time it didn't make it flinch. It turned to face her and was about to attack when the ground started to shake and rumble.

"What's that?" I quickly said, shaking. "What's happening?!"

"Ah." Was all the Chatot said. "It's finally time."

"Time for what? What's going on?!" Swoobat desperately shrieked.

The Chatot and Marill didn't answer, and just sat there with their devious grins still on their faces, as they obviously anticipated whatever was about to happen.

"You better not think you are going to get away with this!" Joltik cried, as he quickly used bug bite on the Chatot.

"Who says we won't?!" Was all the Chatot said back.

The ground continued to shake, as we all kept running through the tunnel. Interestingly enough the Marill and Chatot didn't try to follow us, but instead just stayed rooted to the spot of the tunnel they were in.

"Hey, I see light!" I yelled happily.

"Yeah! That must be the end of the tunnel!" Joltik cried joyfully.

"Yeah... but don't look behind you... just run!" Swoobat slowly said.

"Why...?" I said as I slowly turned my head, but kept running forward. But before I saw it, I heard it. An explosion!

"What the?!" I yelled as I ran for dear life for the end of the tunnel. "This whole tunnel is going to explode!"

"What?!" Joltik yelled in panic. "But how, why?!"

"I don't know... just run!" Swoobat said, also in panic.

We ran for dear life before the bomb reached where we were in the tunnel. We didn't know if we would make it or not...

"As long as we made our master happy, that is all that matters!" We heard the Marill cry from within the tunnel. It finally dawned on me that they hadn't ran to try to catch us since they wanted to be caught by the explosion! They hadn't cared if they got blown to bits!

"Yes... truer words have never been spoken!" Was the Chatot's last words.

I didn't say anything, but I knew what Swoobat and Joltik were thinking - would we survive the explosion, or would we be blown to bits just like the Chatot and Marill?

"Ahhh!" We cried as we finally reached the end of the tunnel, and started to run for our dear lives up the stairs to the safety of the above ground. The heat of the explosion soon reached us as we leaped to safety on the soft grass. I was just thankful to be alive, unlike some other Pokémon I had known...

"Swoobat, Joltik, are you alright? We made it!" I yelled happily as I ran over to my friends. But my happiness soon turned to despair as I saw my friend Joltik, who wasn't looking so good...

"Joltik! Are you alright?!" I said with a ghostly look on my face. "Swoobat! I don't think Joltik is alright..."

"Huh? Joltik? What about Joltik!" I then realized that Swoobat must have been knocked out for a brief amount of time, and was just regaining her consciousness.

"I don't think he is OK... I don't know if he survived the blast or not... we need to get help right away!" I looked around desperately for anyone who could help, and so did Swoobat.

"Hey, I know someone who might be able to help! Hurry, and follow me!" Swoobat than began to lead the way towards the left half of the forest. I grabbed Joltik and put him on my back, and quickly ran after her. Would my friend be OK? And where was the evil Absol and what was he plotting to do against us next...?
 
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Shymain

Shaymin Lover
Nice chapter!

You really went overboard with the cliches just for the sake of irony, didn't you?

Funny, all of this chapter happened while running from an Absol... a bit too much while doing one thing, IMO.

So the other Absol is supposed to be like Gengar in Gingi's Adventure/PMD Rescue Team?

So, mistakes:

Chapter Six:Unexpected Happenings...
There should be a space after the colon.

And, just in case you don't know, you capitalize the names of attacks.

Well, that's all for now!

Keep Writing!

-Shymain
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Thanks for the review! I really appreciate it. :) A new chapter should be up tomorrow, so don't worry! I am trying to get a new routine going, that goes like this:

Write chapter

Put it onto special computer writing program

Come back to it the next day and go over it, fixing any and all mistakes.

I got this info from Knightfall on here, who kindly gave me this advice, which I thank him for that. So you should expect the new chapter to be up tomorrow! :D

You should also know that I capitalized the attacks since I though that was the proper thing to do... is it not? :eek:

And one other thing: Remember when a review or so ago you said that I used the word "kept" twice in one sentence? Could you please tell me which one? I tried to go back and see, but I couldn't find it! >.<

Thanks again for all the help! :D
 

Shymain

Shaymin Lover
Uh... That's strange. The attack that wasn't capitalized has been capitalized... Must have been an edit.

Yeah, let me find that...

Aha!

I kept growling at the bushes as they kept rustling.
The first sentence in chapter five. Rather change the second one to 'continued to rustle' in stead of 'kept rustling'.
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Hmmm... OK, that is strange. Should I change it or just leave it be capitalized? :/

And thanks for finding that for me! I could not for the life of me find it myself lol... that is redundant. Let me fix it right away! XD
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Oh, must have missed that lol! Let me go fix that mistake ASAP... and thank you once again for the help! XD
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Here's the next chapter! Enjoy. :D

Chapter Seven: More Dangers Approach, and a Few Clichés as Well...

"Swoobat, who is this Pokémon that you say can help Joltik?" I asked the bat as I ran as quickly as I could to keep up with her as she flew.

"He's an old friend of mine... a wise Watchog, who will surely be able to help Joltik." She paused for a moment, but then muttered under her breath: "At least I hope so."

We ran (well, Swoobat flew) until we reached a ravine, with a rickety old bridge leading across it to the other side. I gulped as he looked down into it, not being able to see the bottom. I then looked back at the bridge, and began to examine it. It looked as if it was going to fall apart any moment.

"Swoobat..." I cautiously began to say. "Do you think crossing this is a good idea?"

But Swoobat was already on the other side of the ravine when I looked back at her.

"Gah! How did you get over there so quickly?!" I yelled, astonished at the bat for having been able to cross it so swiftly.

"Duh! I have wings!" She said as she landed and pointed at her wings, obviously trying to make me feel like I was stupid.

"Grrr..." was all I growled back. I then peered at the bridge once more. Was it really safe to cross? I wasn't so sure...

"Swoobat, I don't know if I should cross this bridge..." I said with a hint of fear in my voice.

"Oh, right! You don't have wings... poor, poor you." She said with a cooing voice. She was really getting on my nerves now.

"Grrr, I will prove to you that it isn't bad that I don't have wings!" Was all I growled back. I then boldly took a step onto the bridge. It creaked a bit, but luckily it didn't break.

"See? No problem! I do wish this didn't feel so cliché again though... am I cursed with clichés or something?" I said this as I took another step out onto the bridge, and then another.

"Can't you pick up the pace? We have a friend at stake here, remember!" She said to me, slightly annoyed.

"Alright, alright! Miss bossy today, are we?" I then turned my head to check up on Joltik, only to find that he wasn't there!

"Where is Joltik?!" I yelled, looking all around, trying to make sure that he hadn't fallen off of my back.

"Silly, he is on my back now! I snatched him from yours right before I tried to cross this ravine. Didn't you notice? You are really funny but weird..." She giggled.

I had had about enough of her smarty pants remarks, so I made a bold move and started to actually run across the bridge full force!

"Oh yeah? Well watch this!" I yelled as I ran across the bridge. It was all going fine until I looked behind me to see a Stantler running towards me of all things! But this wasn't any ordinary Stantler... as soon as I saw it's eyes, I knew it just had to be one of the evil Absol's henchmen.

"Hey, what're you doing?!" I yelled at the Stantler. It didn't say anything, but just continued to run towards the bridge I was crossing. I gulped as it stopped right at the edge of the bridge, and picked up one of it's hooves. I could see where this was going, and yelled as it used it's hoof and used it to break the bridge ropes!

"Ahhh!" I screamed as the bridge began to fall down towards the ravine, with me still on it. How had the Stantler's hoof been so sharp as to break a rope? I didn't know, but as I pondered this I saw something starting to fly towards my head.

"Sky!" Swoobat screamed as she boldly started to fly down into the ravine to try to save me. She had left Joltik on a tree stump in the forest, hoping that the evil Pokémon wouldn't find him.

"Sky, are you OK?!" She quickly asked me.

"Do I look like I'm OK?! Hurry up and help me!" I screamed as my paws began to slip from the bridge. I was certain that I was going to fall down into the ravine, right then and there, when some kind of Pokémon flew at my face and began to smack my face.

"Ahhh! Stop it!" I yelled as it began to bat at my face. It was obviously a Ledian, as I quickly stole a glance at it.

"Stop hurting my friend!" I heard Swoobat scream, as she swooped in and used the move Confusion on the Ledian.

"Stop you fool!" The Ledian snarled back.

Then it happened. My claws finally slipped from the bridge. I was plummeting towards my death, that was surely going to follow any second. I screamed as I fell closer and closer towards the rocky ground below.

"Sky!" Swoobat screamed, racing towards me, but knowing that there was no way she was going to make it to me on time.

As I was just about to touch the rocky ground inside of the ravine, I began to pass out... all I remembered was finally thinking to throw one of my Poke balls, hoping it was the right one that contained the Pokémon I needed most at that moment...

~ Back In the Human World ~

"What?! Our precious Sky in danger?!" Sky's mom said, starting to cry a little. "My baby boy!"

"Yes, I know that this is hard news to swallow Mrs. Taylor, but it's the truth, and I felt that you should obviously know right away. I promise that my team of scientists and I will do everything we can do to get him back home safely." Professor Juniper said this with sympathy in her voice.

"We trust that you will, Juniper. You have never let us down before, and we are certain that you won't now." Was all Mr. Taylor said back.

~ Back In the Pokemon World ~

I awoke in a large patch of grass, with sunlight pouring over my fur. I slowly looked around myself, to find that I was back on land in the forest, with tall trees surrounding me. I quickly sat up, checking my body to see if I was still alive. All my bones were intact, and I was still an Absol. I quickly sank back down again, relieved, although I had hoped that I would wake up as a human instead of still being a Pokémon.

"Ah, you are finally up I see." Said a voice that sounded like I had heard it before...

"Salamence, is that you?" I said as I bolted upright to face my Pokémon.

"Yes, yes, it is me. But how are you feeling? Are you alright?" He said with a gentle tone in his voice.

"Yeah, I think so... but why am I not... dead?" I said with a small voice.

"Haha, you let me out of my Poke ball just in time so I could come out and save you!" He smiled at me. "I am just glad that you are alright."

"I am too!" I said as I got up and walked towards my Pokémon. "I thank you for saving me."

"It was no problem." He said as he smiled at me.

"Hey Sky! You're alright!" Swoobat said as she came in. "I am so glad! But look who else is feeling better."

Joltik than peeped out from behind Swoobat's head. "I am OK!" He said happily, jumping off of her and coming towards me to give me a hug.

"Joltik! You're alright! I am so glad." I said as I hugged him back, which was a little awkward considering his small stature, but I was just happy to have him back.

"I hate to break up the party, but I just got a wonderful idea that I just had to tell you!" Swoobat quickly blurted out, ruining the moment.

"Yes Swoobat, what is it this time?" I said, rolling my eyes as I was clearly annoyed.

"How about we have one of those 'Pokémon Battles' you told us about a little while back? I think it would be fun!" She said smiling.

"What?! But how?! There are no trainers here, and that would just be weird since I am now a Pokémon." I was shocked at hearing such a ridiculous statement from Swoobat.

"Well, I was thinking of mixing it up a little." I thought "uh-oh" to myself as I saw the mischievous look on her face. "You would be the Pokémon fighting, and your Pokémon would be the trainers!"

"What?! Have you gone insane?!" I practically screamed at her.

"Woah, woah, woah... Sky, calm down. Swoobat's idea actually does sound pretty cool, you have to admit." Joltik tried saying to me.

I was practically ready to blow up. "How in Arceus' name is that a good idea?!" I couldn't help myself, I was furious now. And it is really hard to make me angry... but when I do, I get furious.

"Sky, control yourself. That would be an awesome thing to do! I have always dreamed of what it would be like to be a trainer..." Salamence said in an almost trancelike state.

My rage started to fizzle down a little as I began to think over Swoobat's idea. Salamence and Joltik did have a point. This could be fun if I tried it, but I wasn't sure how it would turn out... I sighed, and then said: "Alright, fine, you win. But this is just for fun, as we need to hurry up and figure out how to turn me back into a human, remember?"

Swoobat and Joltik winked at each other, and I overheard Joltik say: "I knew I could convince him!"

Would this go well, or would it turn out to be a disaster? I would soon find out...
 
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Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
This is quite the Fic you got here! Very attention grabbing. Good work mate!
Thank you so much for the kind words! Could you please give me some more info about it though? Like, what did you think was good and bad about my fic? You don't have to if you don't want to, but I would really appreciate it if you did. Thanks! :)
 

Shymain

Shaymin Lover
Hey, sorry for the late review, but it happened again, if you know what I mean...

Well, for a start, I thought that this was supposed to be a serious fic. Am I wrong?

"He's an old friend of mine... a wise Watchog, who will surely be able to help Joltik."
That comma doesn't belong there...

"Oh yeah? Well watch this!" I yelled as I ran across the bridge. It was all going fine until I looked behind me to see a Stantler running towards me of all things! But this wasn't any ordinary Stantler... as soon as I saw it's eyes, I knew it just had to be one of the evil Absol's henchmen.

"Hey, what're you doing?!" I yelled at the Stantler. It didn't say anything, but just continued to run towards the bridge I was crossing. I gulped as it stopped right at the edge of the bridge, and picked up one of it's hooves. I could see where this was going, and yelled as it used it's hoof and used it to break the bridge ropes!
In both of the examples of dialogue you used yelled. Rather change one of them to a synonym such as screamed or shouted.

"Ahhh! Stop it!" I yelled as it began to bat at my face. It was obviously a Ledian, as I quickly stole a glance at it.
I get what you're trying to say here, but it wasn't conveyed very well. It's sorta confusing...

Well, those are all of the mistakes that I could find. On a side note, this chapter seemed shorter than normal. I recommend prioritizing the length, then description, then action. The action isn't actually that valuable if the chapter isn't very long, and you need description to, well, describe it well.

That's the end of my review!

Keep Writing!

-Shymain
 

NPT

Just a member
Looks like you added some humor in this chapter. Humor is fine when you use it serious stories once in a while, but I don't think using it in the other chapters would be good.
Anyways, I hope you'll make the next few chapters more serious. This was supposed to be a serious story after all, right?
Keep it up.
 
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Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Thanks for the reviews guys! This fic is supposed to be serious, but also funny as well... I like a mix between the two themes, ya know? Although do you think that is bad...? :/

And I will fix those mistakes! Expect a new chapter up hopefully soon... possibly tomorrow. :)
 

Ninfia-Fan

Well-Known Member
This is great and very interesting. There are some grammatical errors, but it's only minor and they've already been picked up.
 
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