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Destiny Bonds

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Oh great, another update!
A Black Scyther? Hmm.......interesting. I wonder how did that Scyther became Black/Dark? Seems like somebody or something possessed it.
Anyways, Can't wait for the next chapter, Keep up the good work.
Thanks for the review! Those mysteries should be revealed... eventually. You will see, hehehe... ;3
 

Monek_OP

bernie2016
Wow! This is really 'evolving' (he he, he) into a great story!

I'm hooked! PM pwease :3

Can I ask a question though? Yes? Good: Do you plan what's happening before you write it?
Can I ask a question though? No? To bad: Do you plan what's happening before you write it?

oh my arceus. mah 50th post : o
 
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Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Wow! This is really 'evolving' (he he, he) into a great story!

I'm hooked! PM pwease :3

Can I ask a question though? Yes? Good: Do you plan what's happening before you write it?
Can I ask a question though? No? To bad: Do you plan what's happening before you write it?

oh my arceus. mah 50th post : o
Hehe, thanks for the review! I will put you on the PM list. :) But anyways, nope, I usually don't plan what's going to happen before I write it... usually I just go with the flow and write what comes to me, although on occasion I have something in mind for what I want to have happen. :)
 

mjunior3

Link Jokers!
This is an awesome fic! I'm absolutely loving the originality, the humor, and the little quirks that make everything fit together.

The thing I don't understand, however, is why Sky doesn't just let his Pokemon out at all times, because his team could thrash the opponents that everyone is having problems with.

Anyway, fantastic fic, and can't wait till the next chapter! :D
 

Xylo

Active Member
I just read Chapter 1, and so far the story is so compelling! I love how it makes you want to read the next chapter right away. Great work!
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Thanks for the reviews guys! I very much appreciate them. :)

A new chapter should be coming out soon. Sorry for the long wait, I have just been really busy and not in the writing "mood", ehe... ^^; I assure you a new chapter should be coming out soon (possibly this weekend...?), so stay tuned! :)
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Sorry for taking FOREVER to get this up, but here it finally is! Enjoy! :D

Chapter Ten: Clues are Found...

"Sky? Sky, are you there?" I heard someone saying. I quickly bolted up as soon as I had regained consciousness, and looked around, trying to figure out what had happened.

"Huh? What happened?!" I quickly said. "Where am I?!"

"Sky, calm down. Don't you remember? We are trying to find Junior with Tropius!" Swoobat quickly told me.

I sighed as I slunk down onto the ground once again.

"Oh, right, I remember now..." I said quickly. "But what should we do now?"

"As I said before, my home is right over there!" Tropius began saying. "Follow me!"

We quickly followed Tropius over to a grove of trees, and finally to a large cave that was right past them.

"So, is this the place that Junior was taken, Tropius?" I asked, starting to look around, trying to find any clues I could.

"Yes, it was..." she replied simply, small tears forming in her eyes.

"Alright. Well, come on out guys!" I said, as I threw my Poke balls to release my Pokémon. I thought that they could be useful with helping find any clues that could lead us to Junior...

We kept looking around the area, until we found something of interest.

"Look! I found something!" my Pikachu started yelling eagerly.

"What is it, Pikachu?" Swoobat was the first to ask.

"Some tracks by the looks of it..." Pikachu said, pointing at some tracks in the dirt in front of the cave.

"Footprints, eh? Looks like they came from a large Pokémon... a Salamence possibly." I said, a little hesitantly.

"A... Salamence?" Joltik said, a little nervously.

"Yes, a Salamence." Was all I said back. "Maybe we should follow them. They could lead us to where Junior is!"

"Hold on, Sky... there are some more tracks over here." Swoobat said, pointing to the right of the Salamence tracks.

"Hey, you are right! But what are they from... oh no." I said, fear washing over me as I realized what Pokémon the tracks must have been from.

"What is it, sky?" Tropius asked, a little curious as to why I looked so nervous.

"I think they are from a... Kadabra!" I blurted out.

"A Kadabra?! Aren't they one of the smartest Pokémon of all, if not THE smartest?!" Joltik said, shaking a bit.

"Yes, indeed. He may be behind this plot... or maybe the Evil Absol put him up to this. I am not sure..." I said, looking closely at the foot prints.

"But they are leading in a separate direction the supposed Salamence's... could this be a set up?" Swoobat pondered.

"I don't know what it is, Swoobat..." Was all I said back. I was thoroughly confused as to what I should do now.

"Hey, there is one more set of tracks!" My Pidgeot called out. "Look here! This pair is going straight ahead of us!"

I looked at the area Pidgeot was pointing at, and sure enough there were tracks there... from a Absol. It just had to be the Evil Absol... and as I looked closer, a Chatot's and Marill's footprints were there as well!

"They sure didn't do a good job of covering their tracks, did they...?" I pondered. Could this be a trap? This was almost too easy...

"Wait, Sky! There are some more footprints over here... from the looks of it they are from a baby Tropius!" Zoroark quickly yelled to me.

"Junior!" Tropius quickly cried out, as she ran to check the tracks.

"Yes, they have to be from him!" I said, as I observed the tracks. "We must follow them. It is our only choice, and is our best bet..."

"But what if it is a trap?" Swoobat said with a nervous look on her face.

"Well, in that case... we must risk it. This is our only hope." Was all I said back. I then began to follow the tracks, while my friends followed.

We walked along for a few hours or so, passing through the forest. It was mostly easy going, aside from a few pop up wild Pokémon battles, but we got through those easily. There were trees we passed under, and there was a light rain shower, but the tracks eventually ended... but they ended at a dead end!

"Wha...?! Did we walk all that way for now reason?!" I said, slightly horrified. I frantically looked around, trying to find more tracks. "Come on, there has to be some more somewhere!"

"Um... Sky?" Swoobat said, watching me going a little crazy while I tried to find some tracks. "There are some more tracks right here you know..."

I quickly stopped searching and stared at Swoobat a little embarrassed, but I tried not to show it. "Oh, right..."

"They lead over this way... come on, let's follow them!" Joltik said to us.

We followed the tracks, until they stopped once again. But this time it was in front of this huge building... it was massive!

"You have buildings here, too?!" I said, a little astonished.

"Yeah, we aren't that primitive... when will you get it?" Swoobat said, shaking her head side to side in an annoyed manner.

"Well, sorry..." I said a bit irritably. But what was this huge building? And what was it for, and why?

"Maybe we should head inside... Junior may be in there!" Tropius said, getting straight to the point.

"Yeah, maybe." I said back to her quickly. "But what if we are caught?"

"Well, I think we can handle them." Swoobat said, a little too confident in herself.

"Come on, I have to save my Junior!" Tropius said, already heading inside the building.

"Wait!" I yelled after her, but it was too late. We had to go after her in case she got into trouble.

"Yeah! This is what I am talking about!" Swoobat quickly said, rushing inside herself, with Joltik on her back. I then followed, a bit hesitant at first. But when I ran inside, I had realized I had made a huge mistake.

"Oh shoot." Was all I said. We had all just touched a bunch of lasers that were shooting all over the place. I then looked up to hear an alarm reverberating throughout the area. "Guys, we have to get out of here!"

"But to where?!" Tropius said, when something caught her eye. She looked into the corner of the building, to see a cage with none other then Junior in it! But there was something wrong with him...

"Junior!" Tropius yelled, running over to him.

"Don't, Tropius!" I yelled back, but she didn't listen. Guards then entered the room - dozens of Pokémon of all kinds. Charizard, Sandile, Gengar, and more. We didn't know what to do. The exit had been blocked, and there was no way out. We were slowly being backed into a corner with no way out... how would we get out of this mess?!
 

Shymain

Shaymin Lover
Wow! I'm definitely of the opinion that this chapter was worth the wait!

The plot and character development have improved a heck of a lot from the first chapters, and I'm really happy with the way they stand.

As I quickly glance through this, I can't find any spelling errors, but this seems a bit awkward...

"Yes, it was..." she replied simply, small tears forming in her eyes.
Small tears forming in her eyes doesn't sound right. Try either tears forming in her eye, or small teardrops forming in her eye. I would also suggest saying 'welling up' rather than 'formig'.

Yay! You introduced a Monster House into a fanfic! What'll happen, I wonder?

Anyways, I really think your writing has improved a lot. Congratulations!

Keep Writing!

-Shymain
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Thanks so much for the kind review, Shymain! I appreciate it... I will fix that error when I get the chance, but again, thank you! :)
 

pikaskipper

Blue Screen Of Death
Amazing! I'm glad you got back to the story! But I wonder what happened to the baby tropius...
I can't wait to see the next chapter!
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Amazing! I'm glad you got back to the story! But I wonder what happened to the baby tropius...
I can't wait to see the next chapter!
Thank you for the feedback pikaskipper! I will try to make the next chapter as soon as I can and feel like it... :)
 

Monek_OP

bernie2016
Aye! We're back on track - this was one of the better chapters! I was thinking of millions, (well not really, you get the point, though.) of different outcomes! Not only was this good, it sets this up for what could be a fantastic Chapter 11!

The only things I could find wrong was the fact that you used 'tracks' a lot, rather than prints, footprints, etc., etc. And you said

"Some tracks by the looks of it..." Pikachu said, pointing at some tracks in the dirt in front of the cave.
And then the characters proceed to find a lot more tracks, I feel like it should've been more obvious ...

Anyways, great chapter :D
 

NPT

Just a member
Wow, another update! Introducing a Monster house in the story was cool, and the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter was suspenseful. I wonder how will they get out of there...
This story is getting better and better, Take your time and update.
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
I am SO sorry for taking so long to get this next chapter up, but here it is! I hope you guys all enjoy it! :D

Chapter 11: Clues Are Beginning to be Uncovered Once Again...

We all slowly kept stepping back until our backs hit the wall behind us, which we all pressed up against. The Pokémon surrounding us looked at us with the most evil glares I had ever seen, and they snarled and hissed at the same time. My breathing became heavy and came in short gasps, as I tried to figure out what to do. But all of a sudden a shrill call came, which was so loud it shook my bones, and I looked around quickly while I tried to figure out where the call had come from.

"Halt!" The call came again. I had a bad gut feeling that I knew who had sounded the alarm. It had to have been the Evil Absol himself.

All the strange looking Pokémon quickly followed this order as they scrambled to stand up straight before their master came before them. Right then was when my fears were confirmed - the Evil Absol himself leapt down from somewhere from the ceiling, and stood in front of me, with a stare that seemed to penetrate deep into my soul.

"So you decided to show up, did you?" He snarled at me, with a smirk. "This is just what I predicted... you are fools, which I am sure you knew that already, didn't you?" He said that last line so close to my face that he spit on me, and his breath reeked of nothing I had ever smelled before.

"What do you want with us and Junior?" I said, trying to keep my cool, but at the same time getting ready to fight if I had to.

"What do I want, you ask?" The way he talked was making me get more furious every second. "Why should I tell you? What would I gain from that?"

"You need to give me back my Junior!" Tropius called, looking scared but determined all at the same time. "What have you done to him?!"

"What have I done to poor Junior? Why, I have just done some... experiments on him." After finishing his last sentence he laughed a deep, hideous laugh.

"What kinds of experiments?!" Joltik said from Swoobat's shoulder. I was surprised that he was being so brave as to stand up to this big, bad Absol.

"Why should I tell you, you little pest? I can squash you into a pulp if I wanted to! Which I just may consider doing..." He said this while stepping closer to Swoobat, and looking at Joltik with his evil eyes ablaze with a strange evilness almost emanating from them. He began to pick up his paw as if to swipe at Joltik so he could crush him, when I quickly used to move Sucker Punch to stop him.

"Leave Joltik alone!" I screamed as I thrust towards him with my attack, which hit him suddenly, as he hadn't been expecting it.

"Why you little brat!" He snarled. "Don't you dare mess with me, or else I will send my minions to defeat you!"

"I am not scared of your so called "minions". I want you to tell me what you want with us!" I said, in the middle of a fighting stance.

"Fine. Come with me, and I will tell you what I have to say." He began walking away from us, towards another room of the building. I was astonished that it had been so easy to get him to listen to us. Almost a little too easy... but we began to follow him anyways.

"Sky..." Swoobat whispered to me as we walked down a large hall, filled with all sorts of weapons and strange pictures. "I... I am scared. I want to get out of here..."

I looked at the poor bat, who was shaking from head to toe. She was shaking so much that poor Joltik was having a hard time staying on her shoulder. I felt bad for her, so I decided I should try to comfort her.

"Swoobat... it will be OK. I promise... just stick with me, alright?" I said, forcing a smile, when I was cut off by the Evil Absol snarling once again at us.

"Shut up! We are here..." his eyes sparkled with even more evil then before, as we stood at the doorway of a huge room. My mouth hung open as I looked around it, when I noticed a gigantic machine in the middle of it. I couldn't tell what it was... it was so strange that there was really no way to describe it.

"Now, come on in, don't be shy..." He said in a false pleasant voice. "I should first tell you my name however... I couldn't help but notice that you have just been calling me the 'Evil Absol', which is pretty rude when you think about it, don't you say?"

I didn't say anything, but just slowly entered the room, and sat down on a luxurious rug on the floor that he had gestured us to sit onto.

"Well, a little nervous, aren't we? I can tell." He then snickered at us. "But anyways, my name is DarkMist. I -"

"That isn't a very scary name, you know... it is actually kinda cute." My Pidgeot said mockingly to DarkMist. I quickly mouthed "shush Pidgeot!", but it was too late. The damage of her proclamation was already done.

"Don't you dare every speak to me that way, you feathered rat!" He said, walking up to her so close that he spat on her face while he talked.

Pidgeot just gulped and didn't say anything, as she quickly shut her beak.

"That's better. Now, where were we? I could tell you about my tragic backstory, but I will spare you the time. Aren't I nice?" He then began laughing at his own "joke".

As he laughed I just thought in my head, "this guy is a real weirdo, that's for sure..."

I then felt the urge to speak up to him about something that had been on my mind for a while now. "DarkMist, what I really want to know is what you want with us. Just answer that, please!"

"Aw, you said please... how polite... for a human." At the word "human", I froze on the spot. How did he know I was a human trapped in a Pokémon's body? Did he know even more about this? Did he have something to do with all of this in the first place?! I just spaced out and gulped loudly for a moment, when reality quickly came back to me.

"Yes, I see that you are surprised that I know the truth about you." He had a horrible smile on his face has he looked at me menacingly. "You may be wondering if I know even more about this, and the answer is simply yes. I do. I probably know more then you do in fact. Humans are so stupid anyways, which is proven right now, while you just stare at me and don't even say anything back while I just try to have a decent conversation. In fact -"

"Shut up!" I said, practically screaming at him. "You are dodging my questions you coward! You are despicable! How much do you know about me, and what happened to me? Give me answers or I will fight you!"

"Fight me?" He said, practically mocking me. "Not a big deal, I could beat a idiotic human like you any day. As I said before, you aren't the brightest of creatures... Pokémon are far smarter then you. But you did know that already, right?"

"I don't care what you say to me, you are still dodging my questions! Hurry up and cut to the chase and spill the beans. What do you know? Tell me now!" I said, getting more and more furious by the moment. Joltik, Swoobat, Tropius, and my Pokemon just watched on, shuddering, and not knowing what to say or do.

"Alright, alright, I will. Maybe..." He then laughed his hideous laugh once again, and it reverberated throughout the room.

"Just. Start. Talking." I said through gritted teeth, staring at him with a look of steel.

"Alright... well, let me just start with this - I have been watching you. Everything you do, ever since you arrived in this world, I have watched you do. I have cameras set up all over, by your little home, in the fields, by the woods. Everywhere at all times." I could tell that he was enjoying this very much as he went along.

"Where's proof?" Was all I said back. I was shocked at this... it was creepy, horrible, and unsettling all at the same time.

"Right here." He said, pushing a button on the desk in the middle of the room, which a huge TV then came out of. It quickly turned on, and all sorts of random footage from my adventures while I had been in this world began playing on it. When I sat in the field looking up at the stars, when I met Swoobat, when we ate berries for the first time together. There was even footage of us looking in the woods, trying to find Junior with Tropius. But as I looked closer at the footage, I could see the evil Marill, Chatot, and even sometimes DarkMist himself in the shadows watching us as we went about our business. I was shocked, and didn't know what to say. I looked at Swoobat, Joltik, and my Pokémon, and I could tell that they were just as horrified as I was.

"Where did you get the idea to do this to us? Where?! Answer me!" I said, staring into DarkMist's evil eyes.

"This is as far as I will go to tell you... for now. Meanwhile, how about you have some time to get comfortable in your new home?" He began laughing as he once again pushed a button, and I began to feel the floor underneath of us give way, and we began sliding down some crazy tunnel into the dark depths underneath this retched building.
 

Monek_OP

bernie2016
Ooh - yay for cliffhangers. I get the sense you're turning Dark into a bit of a stereotypical villain? Those are always fun. I'm also impressed by the amount of technology they have: TVs, cameras, and classic 90's cartoon pitfall traps?

Also, try disabling your signature for your fic posts, ... its a bit distracting. There's an option for it in Edit > Go Advanced > [scroll down].
 
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pikaskipper

Blue Screen Of Death
Gasp! This is rising action, as it builds up tension! I can't wait for the next part! Great work!
 

mjunior3

Link Jokers!
Oh, that was gooooood. I loved it. Interesting name, too. DarkMist...I like it.
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Thanks so much for the reviews guys! They are very much appreciated! And thanks for the tip Monek, I will be sure to do that! ^_^

Chapter 11: A Plan is Desperately Needed...​


We were flung down the crazy tunnel until we landed in a thud underneath the building. Unfortunately, I was the first to land, so Tropius and the others landed on top of me.

“Ow! Guys get off! Please!” I yelled as I tried to squirm away from them as they sat on top of me in a heap.

“Oh, sorry!” Tropius said as she quickly tried to get off me.

“Where are we?” Swoobat said as she slowly began to look around.

“Hey! Don’t forget about me down here you know!” Joltik said as he was being squished from underneath Swoobat’s wing.

“Oh sorry!” Swoobat quickly said as she lifted her wing to let poor Joltik come out from underneath it.

“It’s OK… but yeah, where are we?” Joltik turned his head and looked at me quizzically.

“Well, I know we have to be underneath the building… but it’s too dark to see any-” I was cut off when a bright light all of a sudden came on from the ceiling right above us. “Well, that was convenient”, I muttered sarcastically.

“It looks like we are in a… cell!” Tropius said gasping.

“What?! That can’t be! We have to get out of here!” Swoobat said panicking as she tried banged on the walls of the cell as she tried to get out.

“Guys, relax. I need to think…” I said this as I observed our surroundings. There was a thin rug on the floor in the corner that I assumed was to be our bed that we would have to share, and on the right there was a small but disgusting bathroom. I was just happy that it had its own separate room. And… that was it.

“Guys, we have to get out of here. Now!” Joltik said panicking along with Swoobat.

“Guys, you need to calm down! We will get out of here! I just have to -” I was again cut off as DarkMist himself came up to the bars of the cell.

“Do you like your new home? Hm…?” He said tauntingly to us, as he bellowed an evil laugh.

“Why have you done this to us?! Get us out of here, now! What do you want from us?!” I pleaded.

“That is what you shall soon find out. But for now, until I finish the last preparations for my evil plan, I will leave you be in here for however long that takes…!” He then stalked away laughing all the while.

“You can’t do this! You have gone mad!” I screamed, not knowing what else to do to make him change his mind.

“You are going to make a plan on how to get us out, aren’t you, Sky?” Tropius said looking down at me with worried eyes. I just wanted to know why everyone was looking at me to make a plan on how to get out of this mess, but I didn’t feel like arguing with them. They were already scared enough as it is, I could tell.

“I promise that we will get out of here Tropius. Now, let me try this…” I then began to run towards the bars of the cell and used Sucker Punch on it, to try and see if I could bust them down. Unfortunately, this did not end well, and I just ended up with a very sore head.

“Sky, did you really think that would work?” Swoobat said giggling.

“Well, it was worth a shot…” I said rubbing the top of my head with my paw. I then began to feel wall, as my friends just looked on confused.

“What are you doing Sky?” Joltik asked with a puzzled look on his face.

“I am trying to feel the wall to see if there are any secret buttons that lead to an underground passage… or something. Like in the movies!” I said, not even glancing at my friends as I focused on my task at hand.

“Sky, this isn’t like the movies you know…” Tropius said giggling a bit.

“Hey! It was worth a shot!” One thing you had to know about me was that along with books, I loved watching movies. All kinds of movies, from action to sci-fi.

The next couple of hours were very uneventful. I kept on trying to think of ways on how to get us out of there, but it wasn’t working so well… so far I had had no luck at all, and now it was 11:00 clock at night and DarkMist still hadn’t brought us any food or water. He was treating us like we weren’t human, er, well I should say Pokemon.

“This is terrible! I am so hungry… we haven’t eaten since this morning.” I said as my stomach growled to remind me of its emptiness

“Sky, we need to get out of here… now.” Tropius said with a worried look in her eyes.

“Well, I think we need to get some sleep. We will get out of here tomorrow…” I then curled up and tried to sleep in the damp coldness of the cell. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well that night.

~ Back in the Human World ~​

Professor Juniper was hard at work doing all kinds of experiments and other scientist types of things. With the paper her assistant John had brought her next to her, she was inside of the machine that had caused this whole mess in the first place.

“Now, if I can just get this to work…” She said as she opened up the part of the machine containing all of the inner workings, and began to mess around with all of the wires.

“Red goes here, and the blue one should go here… aha! I have done it! This has to work!” She said, and feeling confident in herself, she ran to go tell John. “John, I think I have done it! Hurry!”

~ Back in the Pokemon World ~​

That morning I awoke to find myself in the middle of a large field of flowers. How I got there, I had no idea. In the middle of the field there was a huge feast of food, ranging from delicious macaroni to mouth-watering watermelon. I quickly bounded over and began to stuff my face with food, as I was starving to death. There was also water - oh, glorious water! - that came from a small waterfall that I drank in huge gulps.

“This is heaven!” I said, not even giving a thought to my friends who were nowhere to be seen. All I was focused on was the food and water… until a huge evil laugh came from out of nowhere, and a giant paw stepped in front of me. I looked up to see none other than DarkMist himself peering down at me as a giant with a hideous grin on his face.

“I have you now, you little pest!” He said as I began to run as he tried to crush me with his huge paws.

“Help! Anyone! Please!” I screamed as loud as I could, until another voice became known to me.

“Sky! Wake up! You are having a terrible dream!” I heard Tropius saying as Swoobat shook me to wake me up.

“Huh?! DarkMist! He is coming after me!” When I looked around me to see my friends staring worriedly at me, and saw that I was still in the cell, I sank back down onto the blanket.

“Sky… it was just a dream! It’s OK!” Joltik said as he crawled up onto my short snout and peered into my eyes.

“Thank goodness… there was a feast of food and water, and DarkMist was a giant and was trying to get me, and… and… it was wonderful and awful at the same time. I am just glad it was only a dream…”

It had been five days since we had been stuck in this cell, and we still had had no food or water. I hadn’t heard a sound from anyone ever since DarkMist talked to us when we had first been dumped into the cell, and I was still as hungry and thirsty as ever.

“Sky, we need to get out of here… I know I keep saying this, but we have too. We are going to die from starvation and dehydration unless we do something fast!” Tropius said to me.

“Yeah!” Joltik said still on my nose.

I didn’t say anything for a few moments, as I was still a little shook up from the dream. This was when my stomach once again became known to the rest of my friends in the cell. Our stomachs were always growling… I used to think that it was embarrassing, but now we were all just plain used to it. This was when I realized that we had to do something fast, just like Tropius had said. We were going to die if we didn’t do something, and we all knew it.

“I am so hungry…” Tropius said as she walked over to the bars and looked out at what seemed like freedom. With her being so big, her stomach growls were loud enough to shake the whole cell. Swoobat’s were average sounding like mine, and surprisingly Joltik’s were loud enough that we could hear them pretty clearly even though he was of such a small size. Why am I going on about this too you? Well, I don’t know… probably because I am so bored of this cell and don’t know what else to do.

“Hey, Joltik… you can fit through those bars, can’t you?” I said, starting to think how stupid I had been not realizing this before.

“Now that you mention it, I probably could if I tried… wait, are you getting an idea in that brain of yours, Sky?” He said with a scared but at the same time excited look on his face.

“I just might…” I said back, getting a great idea in my head.
 
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Monek_OP

bernie2016
I'm afraid this isn't one of your best, Cass .... The writing seems a bit clumpy and rushed.

By clumpy, I mean there's a lot of dialogue, then description; so on, so forth. This makes reading it awkward; I have to get accustomed to reading Sky's thoughts & emotions, and then go to the swift, analytical mind of narrator, then back again. Now, this only really only in the beginning, about the first 3/4. Re-read it and see what I mean, then compare it to the remaining ~1/4. This can be fixed by just proof-reading before posting. Clumpy can also refer to, (and does, in this particular situation) the miscommunication and disproportionate ratios of time; for example, you describe the first few minutes of the Pokémon talking, and then say, "The next few hours past uneventfully". This can be fixed by saying something along the lines of, "Minutes turned to hours ...", or simply three asterisks centered below the text before resuming.

Rushed is self-explanatory; the time seemed too quick, and lacked detail in some areas, mainly the dream.

Also, just a reminder, try to use contractions when you write dialogue; it flows better.

***​

Things I liked:
  • Sky's acknowledgement that the scenario seemed eerily close to a 90's cartoon.
  • Sky's thought process.
  • The friendship of Sky - Swoobat -Joltik's growth.

To name a few.

I wanted to ask though, can Dark-Mist be hyphenated? The grammar Nazi inside me cringes every time I read a name that has caps in the middle.
 

mjunior3

Link Jokers!
For me, it worked. I like the story, and yeah, when she tried looking for a way through a 'secret passage', I thought that was great, lol. But I do agree that Drak-Mist could be hyphenated...I'm OCD, so that would help, lol. Overall, good read, can't wait for the next chapter. ^___^
 
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