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Destiny Bonds

pikaskipper

Blue Screen Of Death
Really good story....hunger can make you not think at times! XD

Mistake:“Well, it was worth a shot…” I said rubbing the top of my head with my paw. I then began to feel ( right her have THE) wall, as my friends just looked on confused.
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Chapter 12: Rescued!​

"Halt!" a voice shouted before I could finish telling Joltik my plan.

"Ah!" I jumped out of my skin as I quickly whirled around to see who had said that. "What'd you do that f-"

I quickly stopped what I was saying when I saw her. She was beautiful... an Absol like I was, but she had gorgeous wings that were covered in fluffy feathers. The fur on her head fell over her face in a graceful curl, and as she looked at me, she was actually smiling.

"Don't worry, I am here to... help you out." She said, but it seemed as if something else was on her mind as she was talking.

"You are beautiful..." I said while I swooned, but as soon as I realized what I had said my cheeks blushed a bright red (well, I don't know if you could see it through all of my thick fur, but still). "I mean, er, uh... how do you have wings?" Wow, way to be lame Sky.

"I used this thing called... no, I will tell you later. For now we need to qet out of here, before Dark-Mist catches us." She then turned around and started running away from us.

"Hey, I thought you were going to help us! We don't even know your name yet!" Swoobat yelled a bit angrily, as she used her wings to beat against the bars of the cell.

"Swoobat, calm down, she is just getting the key to get us out of here." Joltik said in his calm sort of way.

"Oh... right." Swoobat said a bit embarrassed. "My bad..."

"You will learn all about me in due time. But for now, we need to escape." She then picked up the key with her mouth and used it to unlock the cages door.

"Thank you..." I said, trying to think of something better to say. But man, was she pretty...

"Your welcome. Now, follow me!" She said, swiftly making her way to... the wall.

"Um... why did you stop at the wall?" Swoobat said exasperatedly.

"Watch and you'll see." She said back simply, as she took her claws and started punching holes in the wall in a star pattern. As soon as she had done this, a small passageway quickly appeared, showing a long set of stairs that went up.

"How'd you do that?!" I said, amazed as we began to climb up through the passage.

"Again, you will learn in due time." She sure was mysterious, I thought to myself.

The walk up the stairs was very quiet, and when we reached the top I couldn't help but wonder why there were no guards around. I shrugged it off, and followed the Absol over to the woods, where we ran until we reached a small den built into a hollow log.

"Here is my home." She said, offering us some small berries. "Would you like some of these?"

My stomach growled a huge growl in response, which again embarrassed me really badly. Swoobat and Joltik just snickered, but quickly stopped when their own stomachs growled.

"Here, have some of these. They will make you feel better in no time." She laughed, after giving us some sort of berries. I tried some, and they tasted very sweet. They were even better since I was already so hungry! But that was when I realized that Tropius hadn't said anything this whole time. I had almost forgotten that she was even here!

"Tropius, are you feeling OK?" I said to my friend, as she sat in silence.

"Oh yes, I am fine, just a bit... shocked at all of this, that's all." She said, with a slight look of sadness in her eyes. "But... aren't we going to rescue Junior?"

"Of course we are. Don't worry Tropius!" Swoobat said, flying over to Tropius and landing on her head, with a mouthful of berries.

"I think I am going to go get us something more... substantial to eat." And like that she was off, and I still didn't know her name.

We sat there in silence, finishing the few berries we had, when I decided to get up and go drink some water from the small river that was flowing right outside of the den. When I had finished and came back, I was shocked at what I saw.

"A Fletchling?!" I said, as I saw the dead Pokémon the Absol had brought back.

"Why of course. Fletchling is my favorite, and I thought that you would agree. Plus, they are easy to hunt for..." She then started ripping apart the raw meat, and dumped a clump of it in front of each of us.

"We aren't even going to... cook it?" I said, getting more grossed out by the minute. "Isn't this cannibalism?!" I stared at the meat that was in front of my paws, feeling sorry for the poor bird.

"Yeah, maybe, but I always eat this... it's not that big a deal. There are millions of Fletchling..." She then took a bite of her Fletchling, daintily eating it. She even looked pretty while she was eating a raw meat!

"Um... OK if you say so..." I was trying to be tough so I could look... well, maybe a bit attractive to her. I then slowly stooped down and took a bite of the Fletchling's wing, and slowly chewed it as I tried not to vomit at how disgusting it was.

"Do you like it?" She called, after finishing her meal.

"Um... yeah, it's... unique!" I said, trying not to lie, per-say. I looked at my friends, who looked as sickened as I was.

"Great! This will be our dinner staple from now on!" She happily called. Great, now I was stuck eating this every night... wait, what did she mean by that? We were going to stay with her?!

"Um... hey, you still haven't told us your name or who you are!" I said, trying to change the subject, as I tried to force myself to finish the rest of the meat. I was too hungry to let the rest go to waste, and I didn't want her to notice that I hadn't eaten all of it.

"Alright, I will tell you. My name is Aura. I work for Dark-Mist", she then leaned in close to us, and started whispering, "but at the same time I don't. I am secretly going behind his back and getting all the information I can so I can stop this evil plan he is doing... which involves you." She then pointed at me, specifically.

"Why me?!" I said kind of alarmed.

"Because he wants your DNA. He is still perfecting the last bits of his machine, but he needs your DNA to finish the device that will be able to teleport to your world." She said this in a quiet voice.

"What?! But... why?!" I said, not knowing what else to say.

"Yes, why? And why does he have all of these other Pokémon? Like my Junior?!" Tropius said, a bit bewildered. Joltik and Swoobat just looked at each other with sad faces.

"Because ever since he himself heard that Pokémon are kept to fight and work for humans, he thought that was unfair. He wants to get to your world, Sky, so he can take over humans and make you work for Pokémon! Do you see what I am saying here?" She looked directly at me, and it felt as if she was peering into my soul.

I didn't know what to say. This was crazy, terrible, and a bit ridiculous all at the same time.

"Yes, I see what you are saying, but how is he going to carry out this plan?" I said, my voice wavering.

"Because once he has your DNA, he is going to use it to make some kind of terrible formula. One that causes humans to make themselves to act like Pokémon... and can be commanded to do whatever Pokémon tell them, and all kinds of terrible things!" She looked away from me, as I looked away from her.

"This is bad..." I said. I was astonished at all of this information. "But how are we going to stop this?"

"I honestly don't know... I am still working on a plan. But what I think the best thing to do right now is to get you out of this world, before he can extract your DNA. As you are the only human that I know of in this world, if you are gone, he won't be able to carry out his plan and all will be saved. But I don't know how we are going to do that exactly... so far I think the only thing that would work would be to somehow sneak into his fortress and figure out a way to get the machine to work without your DNA." She was looking into space, and I could tell she was thinking very hard as to what needed to be done.

"But how do we do that? I don't have a clue about how machines work and all of that stuff..." I said, letting my head hang low.

"Neither do I, and I doubt Swoobat and Joltik know anything either. No offense, guys..." Tropius said glumly.

"Well, I have a very good friend of mine who might. She is probably the smartest Pokémon I know, and should be able to help us out. Tomorrow, I will take you to her. But for now, I think it is a good idea if we all get some sleep... as it is getting late." Aura looked up at the sky, as if her soul was being taken by the moon somehow.

"Aura..." I began, having to find out the answer to my question before bed. "How do you look like that? I mean, I like it! But... I don't look like that. And I've never seen another Absol who did..."

"Oh, this was caused by a Mega Stone. Have you ever heard of them?" We all shook our heads. "Well, they are special stones that only work when used on certain Pokémon. You hold them up to you, or "activate" them for a loss of words, and then you get transformed for a limited amount of time. Usually for about the length of one battle I would say..." She folded her wings as she slowly turned around in circles before plopping down on the soft moss that lined that bottom of her den.

"But... it looks like you have the effect permanently somehow. I mean, it has been a lot longer then the average battle takes by now since I first met you..." I sure had a lot of questions tonight.

"It is because the friend I told you about made some modifications to my stone, causing me to look like this forever. Cool, right? If you want, I can ask her and she could do the same thing for you..." She then yawned cutely.

"Yes, please! Thank you!" Finally, she had asked me the question I had been hoping for. I had always dreamed of flying, and what better way would it be like then with her...

"I think Sky is in love..." Swoobat giggled.

"Wait, what?! Hey! You don't know that! Knock it off Swoobat!" I said, feeling my cheeks starting to blush again.

"You are..." She continued, bursting out laughing.

"Um... how about we go to bed now. Alright?" Aura said, trying to change the subject. But I couldn't help but notice that she was blushing as well.

"Good idea... good night everyone!" Joltik said, as he curled up with Swoobat and fell asleep.

"Good night... Tropius, Joltik, Swoobat... and to you as well, Aura..." I said, as I felt my eyes gradually begin to close on their own.

"Good night, Sky..." Were the last words I heard Aura say before I was out cold.
 

pikaskipper

Blue Screen Of Death
Wow, huge leap in plot! Man, there are a lot of absols! I think you are doing a great job at writing these! I like the plan absol will use. It just makes me wonder if he will or not complete his plan. Great Job!
 

Monek_OP

bernie2016
Destiny Bonds Review: Ch. 12

Ooh, very, very good. Chapter 12 is the best by far:

Chapter 12: Rescued!​
What I disliked:

  • Dialogue: Like I've said before, dialogue can be important, but too much dialogue can get boring, and you can miss things without enough adjectives; even if you explain literally everything your character was thinking and or speaking, it may not make sense without the descriptions that can explain why your character thinks / speaks that way. That being said, blunt / unrealistic dialogue is the worst, and, unfortunately, clearly evident. However, the use stylistic blunt dialogue can be very good if executed correctly.

    How to fix it: Re-reading and or drafting will catch most dialogue esque issues, if not all.

  • [Lack of] Adjectives: Simple. Add more descriptions. Currently, you're lacking.

    How to fix: Word vomit. Describe until there is nothing left to describe, and then, and only then, cut some stuff out.


    What I liked:

  • Character Development!: Oh dear, development this chapter was magnificent. Magnificent. For the first time, I felt sympathetic to DM, which made him not only more realistic, but more fun to read, and, it made him seem more evil, not in an evil way, but from a soul perspective in a way that combines the meaningful perspective of villainy in a way that can oppose good in a way that's meaningful; even if you know its wrong.

  • Plot: Good pacing!

    :D
 
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Saturnidae

Bugs!! :3
Came here because I saw swoobat and joltik~ But I'll read your fic XD
 

TheCharredDragon

#HelloLoki
Okay. I gotta say that this is VERY original so far. (I've only skimmed One through Three)

But first, allow me to scream this:

YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! A FIRST-PERSON PMD FIC!

Seriously, I rarely find PMD stories in first-person, so I, am, ecstatic! Now, I like that you made it start in another world instead of just waking up. And also that his Pokémon are still with him. I've still have the rest to read it, so after I do that. I'll give a more thorough review.

PS. If you didn't play the PMD games yet, I seriously suggest you try it. The story line is great.
 

Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Aw, thanks for the reviews everyone! I really appreciate it. :)

@Saturnidae - Haha I am guessing you are a Swoobat and Joltik fan? Please tell me what you thought of my fic once you've read it. :)

@TheCharredDragon - Thanks so much for that review! I would very much appreciate it if you wrote a nice review of my fic once you've read the whole thing. Wow really? First-person is my favorite view to write, so it was natural that I would use it for this fic. I'm surprised it isn't used more though. :eek: I have started playing the first PMD game, although I haven't finished it yet... but I am working on it. ^^;

@Monek - Thanks for the very through review! I will definitely work on adjectives, and I am really happy that you liked the chapter that much. :)
 

mjunior3

Link Jokers!
I loved it...Man, I logged back on at the right time, lol, and yeah, now love and Megas in the story...my life is complete :D Keep it up, Cassy!
 

TheCharredDragon

#HelloLoki
Cassafrass1999 said:
@TheCharredDragon - Thanks so much for that review! I would very much appreciate it if you wrote a nice review of my fic once you've read the whole thing. Wow really? First-person is my favorite view to write, so it was natural that I would use it for this fic. I'm surprised it isn't used more though. I have started playing the first PMD game, although I haven't finished it yet... but I am working on it. ^^;
Your welcome! And don't worry, 'cause that review is now! Yeah, I've only seen four (yours included) so far. Two are in here, if you're wondering what the other one is, it's Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Journal. It's very good. And don't let the title fool you. The rest were on FF.net. Another would my own story, if that counts. What? Well, in my opnion, it's one of the best decisions The Pikémon Company made!

Now, onto the review! First, I gotta say the typos.

Cassafrass1999; Chapter 2 said:
"OK... these Pokémon are kinda creeping me out." I thought to myself.
I suggest you make any thoughts coming from the character italic to make it easier to tell the difference.

Cassafrass1999; Chapter 5 said:
"Well... we should I get back to sleep." Joltik quickly said. "We have a big day tomorrow as we try to find that good for nothing Absol..."
Either you remove the "I" or change the sentence. It made no sense.

Cassafrass1999; Chapter 5 said:
"Good thing the front door is unlocked, and that we have this secret passageway." She said as we began to walk down into the darkness of the corridor.
What? That doesn't make sense.

Cassafrass1999; Chapter 5 said:
Luckily, we had had just enough time to get through the door while covering it with the rug. Don't ask us how we did it, but we did.
Remove the second "had".

Cassafrass1999; Chapter 5 said:
"Ah-ha!" He said as he quickly moved the carpet, revealing the door that we were hiding right behind. "I got you know!"
Should be "now", unless the sentence was shortened.

Cassafrass1999; Chapter 6 said:
"How dare you think you can stop me!" He shreaked, but he couldn't move.
I think it's spelled "shriek"? I could be wrong though...

Cassafrass199 said:
I got this info from Knightfall on here, who kindly gave me this advice, which I thank him for that. So you should expect the new chapter to be up tomorrow!
What the heck?! You know Knightfall?! o_O I can't believe it!

Cassafrass1999; Chapter 7 said:
"Grrr..." was all I growled back. I then peered at the bridge once more. Was it really safe to cross? I wasn't so sure...
I think using "was all I/he/she said" isn't the best idea. I feel like it's better to use it for suspense.

Cassafrass1999; Chapter 8 said:
As soon as I heard the bell ring again, I quickly used Sucker Punch, which hit Salamence pretty hard. But he soon hurried and got up again, using Outrage on me!

"Owww!" I screamed in pain. "I
thought you were gonna go easy on
me?!"
Okay, this isn't a typo, but I have to say that Outrage is one of the strongest Dragon-type moves. How come Salamence wasn't enraged and how did Sky survive it?!

Cassafrass1999; Chapter 9 said:
Professor Juniper was hurrying around her lab, trying to fix the machine, which had apparently blown up after the accident.
I suggest blew up instead.

Cassafrass1999; Chapter 9 said:
"I rescued you." Tropius said
proudly. "I attacked that Scyther
with Leaf Tornadoe, which knocked it
out just in time for me to dive and
come rescue you. After I had done
that I quickly finished off that
Scyther."
It should be "Tornado".

Cassafrass1999; Chapter 11 said:
"Fine. Come with me, and I will tell you what I have to say." He began walking away from us, towards another room of the building. I was astonished that it had been so easy
to get him to listen to us. Almost a little too easy... but we began to follow him anyways.
Yes Sky, NEVER trust the bad guys until you've seen ten tons of concrete proof!

Okay, now that's over with, I'll say the parts that weren't so good and didn't make sense to me.

What's with the Jinx joke? I don't get it. Now, the pacing is a bit too fast. And my solution could also help with legnthening the chapters. Be more descriptive. Do what Monek suggest. Describe everything and anything until there's nothing left. And then see which descriptions are important and which ones are not. But if Sky isn't that type then, try to be as descriptive as possible without getting out of character. Next is the use of formal words. Like "I am" or "that is", I mean, would you use that in real life? Try to make them fit the character's personality.

Now, the part that every author likes, the compliments!

Again, I like that you're using first-person because I raaaarely see that viewpoint for PMD and PMD-style fics. I looooove Dark-Mist. (Even though the latter part of his name is girly) I rarely have favorite characters so you did a good job! Either that or I just like stereo-typical villains. I love his evilness and that he's not not monologing. (Is that how you spell?) Unlike the usual villains... For some reason, Dark-Mist's hench-mon seem uncannily similiar to Shadow Pokémon. But I doubt they are.

I liked that his Pokémon were still with him when he arrived but I'm wondering why don't Swoobat and Joltik have names? I could think of several names to call them by... Anyways! I found Sky's infauntion funny. It was well done.

Anyways, your story is great but you still need a lot of work. Might I suggest a beta reader? They can read over your work to check for grammar mistakes amd give suggestions for dialogue before (or after) you post your work. Reading other's works is one way to get better. The ones with ridiculously long chapters that I know of are Knightfall's works. They're in third-person, but they're still ridiculously long, as of now. It's just a suggestion. But keep at it! Never lose motivation! Because it could be the death of the next best fic.

So that's all I could think of... Might edit this to add more stuff. But for now, keep up the awesome work! Oh and, add me to the PM list please. :)
 
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I was going to wait until I caught up with the fic before reviewing, but there's just a few things I want to point out about the first chapter :)

'' The machine was a cool temperature inside ''- Maybe you could change that sentence to '' The temperature inside the machine was cool '' or something? I dunno, it just kind of sounded weird to me. I most likely am wrong, but I don't profess to know everything about English and/or writing...anymore, that is.

Also, it's really cool the main character is an Absol! That's a very original and awesome idea. Swoobat and Joltik are going to be the partner Pokemon, I assume?

Also, I agree with another reviewer, you should probably use contractions a bit more ;)

A really good first chapter and it looks like it's going to be an amazing fic! Hope you complete it eventually ( take your time though, a good fic usually takes years to finish ;) I know a fic that's still going strong and it started it either 06 or 08 )!

I'll read more soon :)
 
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Cassafrass1999

A new beginning! <3
Aw thank you so much for the reviews guys! And thanks soooooo much for reviewing the first chapter Midnight! Haha I personally don't think the first chapter is anywhere near as good as the most recent chapters, but thanks so much for reading it. I reaaaally appreciate it. And your review, Charred, is amazing! Thanks so much, I will definitely keep your tips in mind and fix those mistakes when I can. :D
 
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