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Destiny's Choice: Theft

Sneaky

Well-Known Member
Destiny’s Choice: Theft
Chapter I


In the silence of the night, mischief was about as someone was trying to break into the house of the Hoenn region’s Pokemon champion, Steven Stone. Click… the window became ajar and a hand wormed through and opened the window fully, allowing a shadow to creep into the house. The figure went over to the nearest door and carefully fished out a strange looking tool from the padded pocket of his sweater. A hand inserted the tool into the lock of the door, causing a hissing sound. With that, the door unlocked.

Beyond the door was Steven’s personal collection of rare rocks. The light from the rocks reflected on the individual, revealing his appearance. His name was Henry Lyle, a young adolescent who had light brown hair, whose fringe was a little over the brows. He wore a pair of bronze shades that shielded his striking blue eyes. His attire consisted of a navy-blue sweater, a black leather belt, a pair of faded white jeans and a pair of black leather boots.

Henry removed a Pokeball from his belt and pushed the button on it. The Pokeball opened and a flash of blinding white light filled the room. When the light faded, there was a creature which resembled a human figure in a white dress with green crown and green arms. It had large red eyes and was floating a few inches off the ground. The creature’s name was Gardevoir.

“Gardevoir, use Teleport on that rock,” Henry whispered, pointing to the said rock. But Gardevoir, being a psychic, knew what Henry was thinking before he even needed to say it. Gardevoir closed her eyes and focused on the command given by her trainer. The rock vanished from its glass casing and reappeared in Henry’s hand.

Unfortunately, just as this was done, an alarm sounded. Henry had expected this; it was obvious that a famed Pokemon champion like Steven would have some security in his house. Henry whispered to Gardevoir once more, “Teleport again, Gardevoir.”

Like before, Gardevoir closed her eyes in silent prayer and whisked herself and Henry outside the house where they re-emerged a few feet away. Steven was by the open window, his face was grim. He turned and looked at the empty spot in the glass casing and uttered to himself, “No… Not the Sin’s Rock…”

Meanwhile, Henry had succeeded in his getaway but was approached by two men in a black cap and uniform and white boots. A large, red ‘R’ was emblazoned on the chest of their uniforms. One of the men said, “How would you like to join the ranks of Team Rocket?”

Henry had heard of Team Rocket before. They were a gang of trainers that used Pokemon for evil purposes. They stole, burglarized, attacked and at times, murdered. Why would Team Rocket want a lowly trainer like himself to join them?

As if the Team Rocket members had read his mind, one of them answered his thoughts, “We just witnessed your incredible skills that helped you break into Steven’s house. Furthermore, that rock you stole, it’s more than just something valuable that you can sell.”

Henry was interested by what the man had just said. He decided that there was no harm in joining Team Rocket and so, he agreed. With that, Henry and the two Team Rocket members were off.




The story length isn't very impressive, huh? I promise that will improve. If there are any other areas I should improve on, please state so.
 
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Astinus

Well-Known Member
Not bad, Sneaky! I did find one mistake:

allowing a figure to creep into the house.

You need that "to" in there. It reads oddly without it.

Ten views and no reviews? ;; Maybe because it's like you said, not an impressive story length. Though, really, this is quite good. Henry is interesting, as he's breaking into Steven's house as a "lowly trainer." And then there's the concept of the Sin's Rock. I would like to see where you go with this.

I'll be your first loyal reader. *sits*
 

Sneaky

Well-Known Member
Thanks I edited the mistake... It's short because it's just kinda like an introductory...(Though it still should be longer >.<) yay a loyal reader! *Cheers* I'm working on the next chapter now. btw, I might not be that free after the June Holidays so chapters after the June holidays will be delayed... further... >.<
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Hmm ... you could have dubbed this a prolouge then ...

Overall .. this seems to look promising, SneakyHeretic. A little rushed buuuut... you seem to not have Team Rocket as the 'pansy evil' alot of writers have them as :/ Anyways so far if you keep this up, and not rush, you might have an even more promising next chapter.

<.< think I'll keep my eye on this thread.
 

Sneaky

Well-Known Member
Yami Ryu said:
Hmm ... you could have dubbed this a prolouge then ...

Overall .. this seems to look promising, SneakyHeretic. A little rushed buuuut... you seem to not have Team Rocket as the 'pansy evil' alot of writers have them as :/ Anyways so far if you keep this up, and not rush, you might have an even more promising next chapter.

<.< think I'll keep my eye on this thread.

It didn't seem too much like a prologue XP
Team Rocket is never evil... They're... misunderstood, yea, that's right >.< And I'll try not to rush too much.
The next chapter should be up by either tomorrow or the day after. If not, then it's Tuesday coz I'm busy on Monday >.<
 

Literate

black cat, black cat
Just so you know, you used figure almost four times in that. *points* I did that in my story and surprisingly there are many synonyms for that. You can describe the shadow and everything else. Not what the figure did. It's too obvious. Just not the aura you want it to have.

Click… the window became ajar and a hand wormed through and opened the window fully, allowing a shadow to creep into the house. The figure went over to the nearest door and carefully fished out a strange looking tool from the padded pocket of his sweater. A hand inserted the tool into the lock of the door, causing a hissing sound. With that, the door unlocked.

Beyond the door was Steven’s personal collection of rare rocks. The light from the rocks reflected on the individual, revealing his appearance. His name was Henry Lyle, a young adolescent who had light brown hair, whose fringe was a little over the brows. He wore a pair of bronze shades that shielded his striking blue eyes.
To tell you, you can pull this off successfully without using it four times. One or two might be okay, but four is a bit too much.

Try to describe the surroundings more. There you can create a successful tale like this. ^.^

~PEACE~
 

Sneaky

Well-Known Member
Thanks Literate, I'll try to keep that in mind. As for the next chapter, it's definitely going to be on Tuesday, because I won't be free on Saturday or Sunday. >.<
 

Angelic Elf Ivy

Well-Known Member
This is a really good start you have here. As for errors, I only found one.
Like before, Gardevoir closed her eyes in silent prayer and whisked herself and Henry away from the house, re-emerging a few feet away from the house.
How about whisked herself and Henry outside of the house where they re-emerged a few feet away......
Yeah. It just sounded funny to me.
Other than that it's good! Ivy thinks that she should keep an eye on this fiction.

*~Ivy-chan~*
 

Sneaky

Well-Known Member
Wow, looks like the readers are increasing, yay! As for the errors, I'll edit them now. Hopefully, this fic doesn't die before it's even finished >.<
 
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