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Destroy the Block of Bedrock VI: No More Mr. Gneiss Guy

TheWanderingMist

Paladin of the Snow Queen
That is not the post I expected to win but I'm happy nonetheless.
 

WishIhadaManafi5

To Boldly Go Where No One Has Gone Before.
Staff member
Moderator
@Sketchie Let me know when you need things locked, so you can start up the new thread.
 

Sketchie

literally some guy
@Sketchie Let me know when you need things locked, so you can start up the new thread.

Homeboy, I'm working on a new post right now. Each bedrock doesn't get it's own thread, but rather these threads go and go and go and go... usually until a judge vanishes. V3 came about because I was the only active judge of V2 but didn't have control of the thread, V4 came about because I needed V3 closed down because it got out of hand, V5 because I vanished, V6 (current!) because the judge that came after me stopped judging. Have no fear! I'm working on judging all the backlog now. :)
 

Sketchie

literally some guy
Announcements:
1. Bedrock Awards will be happening, simply because I love them and I think it's fun. Here's the sitch -- PM me with your favorites from the Basic Binchrock! This is any post made BEFORE post #85. The categories are:
-- People's Choice (your top favorite)
-- Most Abstract
-- Most Intimidating
-- Best Judge Response (you get to judge me!)
I will leave voting up for one week, so please PM me as soon as you're able. Links to the posts are mighty appreciated! Here is the link to the previous bedrock award.


2. Announcing the newest bedrock! Get ready for... The Stonks Rock. This hefty son of a gun packs 45000 HP. Fret not, adventurers, for I won't be using the 1-10 scale, but rather anywhere from 0-500 depending on the current stock market. Each post I will go down the list on my Apple Stonks App. I will take the current value of whatever is next on the list, then divide/multiply it by multiples of 10 to get it below 500 or more than 50. Will you falter beneath its spiffy suit in tie? Or will you rise to be the better stock breaker?

3. This post will be split up so as not to face the wrath of Character Limit.

DOW JONES - $26,161 / 100 = 0-262

I frame the bedrock for arson that was actually committed by Jimchar the Chimchar.

A stockbroker's worst nightmare: JAIL. -230

I force a Mewtwo to kick the bedrock off of a steep waterfall, that leads into a deadly volcano.

Bonus points for scenery! Points taken for forcing of pokemon. -214

I have a Level 10 Machamp use Seismic Toss on the bedrock.

Buddy... a level 10..? I'm not even going to question where you got the Machamp, but even though it's super effective... level ten? -113

I accuse the bedrock of high treason, and make sure it gets hanged, drawn and quartered.

HIGH TREASON! HIGH TREASON! HIGH TREASON! -262

I cover the bedrock with paper

Paper > Rock

By golly, you've got a point! -220

I stab the Bedrock with a lightsabre.

That's, like, 20% cooler than all the other sword posts we've gotten so far. -226

I go after the bedrock with Highlander's sword (the one from the tv show), kill it and then become immortal.

I'm... sure this was effective, but google searching what "Highlander's Sword" was somehow made me more confused. Cool looking toys, though. -107

I make the bedrock immortal, then throw it into the Lake of Fire, where it will be subjected to the Second Death.

In the LDS religion, Second Death is basically the worst thing ever, so I'm assuming in the Lake of Fire religion it's pretty not so tubular either. -252

I make the bedrock watch every Badly made Christian propaganda film ever made including If Footmen Tire You Out, What Will Horses do?

Dear God! Think of the children! (Does this include that weird children's show The Family put out? How official and non-culty is this including?) -237

I tell the bedrock to tally its own damage

Sorry. The bedrock got to tally this one. I thought it was great, but Stonk Rock said it was bad for business. -12

I destroyed all of the bedrock's video game save files for all of the games they've ever owned.

This physically hurts me in my soul. (It ruined the value of them too!) -178

I burned the bedrock's dvd & cd collections

Honestly... it's probably a lot of weird business stuff. It's for the best it's gone. -166

I make the bedrock an informant for the mob. Since it remains silent, it is thrown into the ocean where it will erode.

Sounds like the path of a businessman, yes. Informant for mafia, and then thrown overboard. (Can we get the same treatment for Bezos?) -201

I pour hydrochloric acid on the Bedrock.

Did you know you can use hydrochloric acid to clean rocks? Turns out it's not as effective on minerals as it is on human flesh. -121

I make the bedrock so angry that it uses self-destruct.

HAH. If only it passed its ANGER MANAGEMENT COURSES. -242

I speak purposely bad Swedish to the bedrock to annoy it

I like that this implies that the bedrock knows Swedish. -186

I trigger the bedrock

I'm not a fan of these jokes. Sorry. -1

I defenestrate the bedrock.

The drama. The taste. The defenestration. -253

Current Bedrock: Stonk Rock
Current Damage Rating: Next up: S&P 5000
Damage Done This Post: -3,221
Current HP: 41,779/45000
 
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Sketchie

literally some guy
Part two!

S&P 500: $2,923.65 / 10 = 0-292

I block the bedrock from using the internet, then file a lawsuit against it and then have it arrested on false charges.

I am... not entirely sure how blocking it from the internet relates to the lawsuits, but as I said earlier, a stockbroker's worst nightmare is jail, sooo... -280

Each like on this post is damage to the bedrock. :p

Looks like you got... two likes! (Oof. I'm sure this attack would have fared much better on that last bedrock..) -20, because I'm generous.

I try to calm the bedrock down, it's had a stressful day after all, with all the lawsuits, the triggering and the purposely bad Swedish.

I try to build back up the foundation of trust that I ,ashamedly, have torn down again and again. I Tell the bedrock that I am truly and utterly sorry, and that from this point forward I'll be here beside it, through war and peace, through pain and struggle. I tell the bedrock that it would make sense for it to hate me, I did throw it into the sun twice after all, I tell it that it shouldn't feel like it needs to trust me ,I understand that it might not be there yet, and maybe it never will be, and that is fair, I absolutely get it, I understand.

I tell it that perhaps I don't deserve it's trust, I did all those terrible things after all and that cannot change, the past isn't malleable ,only the lenses through which we see it. But ,I say, but I know that unlike the past the future is malleable, it is not yet set. The future only sets when it goes through the present and becomes the past, that, that is the passage of time. Bedrock , I continue, bedrock please, allow the future to be better than the past by making the right choices in the present, is it the right choice to trust me now bedrock?, that I cannot say because I do not know. I am a strong believer in redemption , the idea that people can become better, is it not a noble sentiment bedrock my friend?, I hope you will allow me to at least attempt to redeem myself, to become a better man. Is that not to the meaning of life? To become better?

I understand ,bedrock, that this isn't easy ,most things worth doing aren't easy, but we need to start a process that will help us to begin to heal. I won't ask you to forgive me because I don't think I deserve that, but bedrock I will ask you something, what in your existence do you treasure most? I ask you this not to simply pry, no, but to better myself so I can become more like that which you most treasure, as a dependable bedrock like you would surely value most the best things in life.

I sit down next to the bedrock and I wait, sorrowfully, guilt filling my eyes with a contorted look of pain. I look up at the bedrock as I await it's response.

Once the bedrock has responded I will spit at it and mockingly laugh at it, I then speak once again to the bedrock, telling it that I only asked what it treasured most so I could take that from it first, and I make good on my word and take away what the bedrock treasures most. I think to myself, what a fool the bedrock is, but then I wonder if I am the fool for teaching the bedrock such a miserable lesson, I do not want the bedrock to become a pessimist as they are never disappointed and I want to disappoint the bedrock. I then wonder where I am, if this is hell for bedrocks or something like that, I then decide that this post has run it's course.

Bravo, AgentKallus, bravo. I might just have to give a little extra for the amount of amazeballs this post is. (If you ever read through old Bedrock threads, you remind me a lot of ShatterSoul. He was a bit of a thread favorite imo.) -301

I declare the bedrock legally dead, impersonate it, and then pretend to have come back from the dead so I can proceed to take over the remains of its shattered life.

Identity fraud! My favorite! -283

wtf, are you feeling ok @AgentKallus

*whacks the bedrock with a cricket bat so that this isn't a spam post*

*adds damage to the bedrock so that post wasn't a spam post.* -168

I have Caveman go to the bedrock

Caveman: BEDROCK BAD *whacks the bedrock with a club*

I will admit, I'm pretty sure cricket bats are better made than Caveman clubs. (Also, you should really read about the cavemen! They were quite intelligent for their time. It's fascinating!) -101

I give the Bedrock a bomb disguised as a basketball.

I'm having trouble with why exactly a bedrock would want a basketball, be it basic or Stonk-sy. Still, it does blow up. -98

I'd throw giant water balloons at the bedrock.

It's super effective! Too bad the power level on "Water Balloon" is so low... but it DOES get that snazzy suit all wet and embarrasses Stonksy here. -139

I overwhelm the bedrock

Trust me, I'm feeling that. -208

I underwhelm the bedrock.

I'm good... but the bedrock won't be feeling ok

You're right! The bedrock is feeling quite underwhelmed. -178

(lmao the damage here so far is 1776 happy america everyone)

The bedrock is attacked by badly animated CGI anthropomorphic cats

DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE -291

I whelm the bedrock.

giphy.gif

-248

I lock the bedrock inside of a creepy haunted house.

That sh*t's SPOOPY. -233

I abuse the bedrock

Aren't we all, Mon, aren't we all. -167

I let Jameschar cook for the bedrock, he burns all the food to cinders on purpose.

@Sketchie I hope my over the top post didn't kill this thread.

yOu CoUlD sAy He CHARRED ThE fOoD oN pUrPoSe
aml0t5zbeax01.jpg

-222 (you didn't, i nearly did by vanishing lamO)

I force the Bedrock to watch every episode of Bibleman including the animated reboot for all eternity!

Bibleman, Bibleman, does whatever the bible can... -137 bc i actually have no idea how bad it is and unfortunately don't have 15 minutes to find out

I throw rocks at the bedrock.

*gasps* That's like throwing babies at human adults! The horror! -269

I tie the bedrock up onto a rocket and send it off into space where it gets sent into a wormhole and then into a black hole and disintegrates.

Now hold on a minute, things don't disintegrate in black holes, they just get really stretchy! Like, really stretchy. Like, good luck getting unstretched stretchy. -151

Current Bedrock: Stonk Rock
Current Damage Rating: Next up: AAPL
Damage Done This Post: -3,494
Current HP: 38,285/45000
 

Tsukuyomi56

Sky High Knight
I fire a bazooka at the Bedrock.
 

AgentKallus

It's not a game Kate.
To help the poor unfortuneate bedrock feel better about it's recent job termination, I invite it out to the park to play catch, but I only pretend to throw the ball, tricking the bedrock.
 

WishIhadaManafi5

To Boldly Go Where No One Has Gone Before.
Staff member
Moderator
Homeboy, I'm working on a new post right now. Each bedrock doesn't get it's own thread, but rather these threads go and go and go and go... usually until a judge vanishes. V3 came about because I was the only active judge of V2 but didn't have control of the thread, V4 came about because I needed V3 closed down because it got out of hand, V5 because I vanished, V6 (current!) because the judge that came after me stopped judging. Have no fear! I'm working on judging all the backlog now. :)
Ah I see.

I send the bedrock on a one way trip to Jupiter, and as it tries to leave Earth's atmosphere, it shatters and burns up.
 
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TheWanderingMist

Paladin of the Snow Queen
I promise to take the bedrock to its best friend who it hasn't seen in years. We board a plane headed for Siwtzerland, and, after a whirlwind day of touring, we arrive at a small yet luxurious hotel at which I have told the bedrock its friend is waiting for it. We go up the stairs, I have the bedrock carry all the luggage. The room is on the very far end of the hall. As we arrive, the bedrock excitedly unlocks the door with the key and...




Behind the door...





With a small, almost imperceptible smile on their face...



There stands a person very familiar to the bedrock.....


The person's eyes glisten with mirth and they let out a hearty laugh...



But the bedrock does not laugh...



For it has realized now that all along this was a trap...



For behind the door stands not its long-lost best friend, who had in fact, passed away quite sometime ago...



But rather, the bedrock's greatest fear....







It is, in fact, @AgentKallus .
 

WishIhadaManafi5

To Boldly Go Where No One Has Gone Before.
Staff member
Moderator
I throw the bedrock into a giant washer and start it.
 

WishIhadaManafi5

To Boldly Go Where No One Has Gone Before.
Staff member
Moderator
I'd lock the bedrock inside a freezer.
 

AgentKallus

It's not a game Kate.
I'll steal an attack that didn't get counted from the last game.

I free the bedrock from it's torment replacing it with another bedrock. I Then find the freed bedrock and use it's guilt to manipulate it into taking back it's old place and thus freeing the replacement bedrock.This leaves the bedrock perpetually unsure of whether or not it made the right call.
 
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