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Devil's Canyon (AAML, ratings pg-13 to R)

Dark FireBird

Ah ha!! ♪
it was no problem! really glad i could help then! :D
well, i was never very good at maths, so i guess that's why i don't like it so much! but that's cool that you get to go to england for it at least! i'm hopefully travelling down to england this summer to go to Alton Tower's! can't wait- it's gonna be awesome!! :D

hope you enjoy it whenever you go!
 
Ok, I have decided to split Chapter 4 into parts A and B. Chapter 4A coming in 2 days, my time. I'm still in England. :)
 
thanks, go to thread tools in this page, click subscribe, no email notification, and whenever your on just click user Cp to see new posts.
 
Ok, this is a real bummer. I saved 4a in my PC, hung, got deleted. 4a coming soon, rewriting it.
 
Hey guys, I am in the Philippines right now, and it IS one day since my last post so

here it is. Sorry if it’s a bit short, I mentioned that I was going to split this chap into parts A and B. I have started taking your comments into consideration, and I hope you enjoy

Chapter 4A “Enter the Canyon” Rating-PG-13

“Hey kids!”
The two were awakened by the sudden screech of the car’s wheels when it stopped.
Misty was embarrassed to find she was sleeping with her head on Ash’s shoulder. The two turned away from each other, blushing, and got out of the car. They were amazed at the beautiful sight they saw! It was still 5am, and the mixture of crimson, red and orange glowed against the outline of huge, jagged mountains. The sight was marvelous, but intimidating at the same time.
“Well, I reckon it’ll be a while ‘till light’ll come” the man said.
“Soo, whaddaya wanna do?” Ash asked casually.
“Well I..” Misty started before ash interrupted:
“I’m hungry, lets grab a bite!”
Ash ran off, in search of a 24-hour restaurant, Misty following closely behind.

********************************
“Agent 1, how are you doing?” a gruff yet hushed voice asked on a cellphone
“It’s kind of hard to find anything when SHEs on the loose.” came the reply.
“You don’t mean..”
“Yes, my friend, the monster has returned”
“I see.” The gruff voice came.
“Will this work to our advantage? Or the contrary?”
“Well,” the voice from the phone said.
“Judging from the number of people coming to find her, I think this will work in our favor, my friend! Wait, signals low here in the canyon.. gotta g..”
The call was cut. A man with a gruff voice put his phone in his pocket, the grinned widely.

**********************************

“Ash, chew your food, or you’ll get a stomachache!” Misty watched Ash in disgust.
“Well kids, I need to use the bathroom for a while.” The man hurried to the bathroom.
“I think I need to go to, Mist.” Ash went there too.
“Soo, how have you been doing, Pikachu?” Misty asked the pokemon.
“Pikaaaaa…” it yawned.
“Haha, I can see that.” Misty said, amused.

Meanwhile, Ash was washing his face to wake himself up, when he heard a hushed voice coming from a cubicle.
“I got two more victims with me here, I hope the monster’s hungry!” came the man’s voice.
Ash dashed to Misty: “Misty! We gotta go! I think the man is a Cruel Jewel member out to get us!”
Ash grabbed Misty’s hand and the three of them ran outside the restaurant, and a passing girl, about Misty’s age, inquired to there whereabouts.
They asked her where Devil’s Canyon was, and they speeded to the direction of where the girl’s finger pointed. About 20 minutes later, they arrived at a huge, black gate that said: The Devil’s Canyon.
“Well Ash, I guess this is it!” Misty said
“Alright! Let’s go!” came the enthusiastic reply.
“Don’t go in there!” A short, old woman warned them.
“This is the time of the monster, and you kids will not be safe here!”
“Whatever grandma, we are here to protect an important jewel.”
Ash opened the gate, Misty and Pikachu followed inside.
To get in, they had to go down into an incredibly steep dirt road.
“I have a better idea.” Ash released Swellow.
“I’ll go down first, to check if it’s Ok.” Ash rode swellow into the canyon.
“Be careful” Misty said under her breath.

Not long after, Ash returned and signaled misty it was safe.
Ash helped Misty go on Swellow, when a rumbling noise could be heard from behind.
Misty looked with horror as a huge boulder was headed straight for Ash.
She shouted, but that was all she could do. Swellow was already taking her down into the canyon.

The smoke cleared, and Ash got up, shaken, but not at all hurt. He looked, and there, standing in between him and the rock, was the old lady guarding the canyon gate.
She stopped the rock apparently with a sort of wooden cane, which you would expect to break even at the slightest contact with a boulder of that size.

“Wha- how did…” Ash said, dumbfounded.
“Young man,” the old lady sighed.
“I have been guarding this canyon’s gate for 65 years, and I have seen a lot of things people would never have believed without the sight alone. I have seen many marvelous graces of nature in this here canyon,” she paused.
“I have also seen several youngsters come in, but not return here, as this gate is the only entrance, and exit as well.”

She gave Ash her cane.
“This, will guide you, throughout your quest here. Whatever it is you are seeking, pray you find it without any harm, and if I am still here by the time you have completed your expedition, I pray you will save this canyon from its fate.”
Ash took her cane, being careful not to break it.
“Thank you, for saving my life.” Ash said seriously.

Ash rode Swellow to where Misty was, waving to the lady until she was out of sight.

*************************************

“I’m afraid you’ll have to deal with them yourself. The rock didn’t work, and now he’s on his way.” A gruff voice said to a cellphone.

“I pity them, as the monster is still hungry, and she is headed their way.” Came a voice from the phone.

*******************************************

Ash arrived in the canyon, and recalled Swellow. Misty then gave him an embrace that could shatter his bones.
“How the hell are you still alive?” she asked.
Ash explained to her what happened.
“How is this ridiculously small cane supposed to help us?” Misty wondered out loud.
“I dunno, but I trust that old lady.”

They set off, admiring the natural shapes of the crags. Their were starly and staravia flying overhead, making calls to each other. You could see Staraptors in their nests on the high mountains. Sandshrew and Sandslash were digging holes in the ground, and Barboach and Whiscash swam about in rare oasis.

Their sightseeing was interrupted by a sudden cry:
“Help! Help me!”
They ran to a boy about Ash’s age. His clothes were badly ripped and torn, and bloody cuts were all over his face and body.
“What happened?!?” they asked in shock
“Th-the m-monster!” the boy said still shaking from fear.

Suddenly a low but loud rumbling noise was heard.
The boy ran away quickly, screaming in fear.
Then they saw it. The monster. Right in front of them, and there was nothing they could do to avoid it.

Chapter (semi) end
Comments…
 

Dark FireBird

Ah ha!! ♪
that chapter was really good! lots of improvement and more description- well done! :D your descriptions are definately getting better- i really liked how you described the sunrise at the start, very nice! and liked the shippiness of misty waking up on ash's shoulder, and then the bone-crushing hug. and love the mystery with the people on the cellphone and the monster- wonder what it is?!

anyway, although this half chapter is a bit short, as you said, it was a big improvement- so well done and keep it up! the only thing that might make it a bit easier to read is if you maybe space out the dialogue a bit, like how you did it for the mystery people on the phone after the rock had failed to squish ash (if that makes any sense! didn't know how to explain it properly. o_O).

overall= very good, and can't wait for 4B! :)
 
Thanks, it is short because 4A and 4B are one chapter, and this is only a half chappie.
Actually, the people on the phone aren't THAT mysterious. ;)
4B coming soon
 
Comments? Ideas? Ratings?
Pls guys, your posts really give me encouragement. Even if you post telling me my fic sucks, it will give me motive to work harder. And please rate this if you havent yet. Ty. :)
 
Howdy all, am now back from the camp, and working and polishing the next chapter (4B) for you. Expect it soon
 
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