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Diary of a Traveler

Uke

...Eh?...
The diary of a poor innocent man as he was caught up in one of the worst creations in the world.
----------------------

Dear Diary,

Hello there! As I write down into your blank pages, I cannot help but feel like a weight is off of my chest. This may be my first entry, but you have made me feel like someone besides my Rattata listens to me. As often as I can, I will write down in you the events of my life. Yet, for the practice of becoming a better writer, I shall tell you what happened in the form of a story. I won’t use my real name, so just call me Eric from now on.

This is the tale of how my life was uprooted beneath my feet and turned upside down. This is how I met a young girl named Mary Sue.


Entry one: The Meeting


Eric lived on a tight schedule, which is rather a strange thing to have when you’re on a journey. Everyday, Eric would wake up at the same time in the early morning. He would go to sleep at the same time every night. He followed the schedule no matter what, never straying away from it.

However, it was on a faithful morning that Eric’s schedule would betray him. The schedule would be the cause of how his life would be at risk for the rest of his journey. After having a light breakfast, Eric went on his way through a dense forest in hopes of reaching the next town by nightfall.

Eric’s only companion for the journey was his Rattata, a small violet colored rat that he received as a pet when he was younger. The rat Pokemon was tiny and barely reached the height of Eric’s ankle, but it was loyal friend. Every so often the rat’s whiskers twitched as it peered out into the forest for any danger, ready to attack with its claws and sharp teeth.

Then, out of no where, there came a bright orange creature dashing across the worn pathway that Eric was traveling on. The creature nearly gave the poor traveler a heart attack. He could hear his Rattata hissing loudly beside him. Looking closely, Eric saw that the creature was a Pikachu.

Yet, there was something strange about this Pokemon. He knew the species known as Pikachu mostly have a bright sunflower yellow fur, but this one had a pale orange color to its fur. The electric rat snarled at Eric’s Rattata, making the poor creature let out small whimper of fear. Afterward the Pikachu pouncing upward onto a pink blur that rushed by the confused traveler.

The Pikachu was now flying the air, its teeth ripping into the pink flesh of some sort of Pokemon. Eric wasn’t able to get a good look at whatever the electric Pokemon was attacking.

"Okay then. Let’s go before we run into anything else strange." Eric said quickly to his Pokemon, who agreed at once to get a move on.

Sadly, Eric wasn’t out of the danger yet. Instead of another Pokemon, a sparkling woman dashed past him. Sparkles were coming off of the human’s flesh like she was some sort of god. The woman was cheering on as the Pikachu was able to force the unknown Pokemon to land.

Eric stared at the woman, wondering why she would be cheering. The sparkles were even brighter now that the woman was cheerful. Poor Rattata let out a scream of pain because it was struck blind by her beauty.

This odd woman looked to be around sixteen, if Eric could guess her age. Her flowing blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail; it was such a bright color that Eric thought it was the same color as the sun. Her eyes were a bright blue- no, make that crimson. Wait no, purple.

"Her eyes are changing color," Eric whispered as the horrified trainer was reaching to protect his Rattata from harm from the creature in front of him.

The woman is wearing a school uniform that Eric had seen a few schools use, yet her skirt was way too short. He felt like a pervert by just staring at her. Slowly backing away, Eric was able to finally see what her Pikachu had attacked.

The woman held up a wounded creature by its long tail, its bubblegum pink fur was messy from the attack. It was small, two tiny ears on its head and large back feet. Foam was coming out of its mouth as it shouted out demonic words while wiggling to get free. Bright azure eyes were turning into blood red as it was glaring up at Eric. Even if he had only seen a few artist sketches of the legendary beast, Eric was sure that it was a Mew.

Eric suddenly felt scared for his immortal soul as the woman glanced over to him. This woman would still his soul, he just knew it. Dropping the Mew onto the thick forest floor, the woman came closer to Eric.

“Just what are you?” she muttered, grabbing Eric’s face into her hands as she was looking close at him. The woman seemed to be confused by something, and she scanned Eric from head to toe.

Rattata, wanting to protect its trainer, let out a low hiss at the woman. At once, her Pikachu let out a snarl which made Rattata run behind Eric’s legs for protection. Eric glared down at the Pikachu, but stopped at once when the demonic Mew looked fiercely at him.

“Your hair is the color of mud. Your eyes aren’t shining pools of azure, and your clothes are all worn!” the woman barked, her temper starting to flare up as she stomped her feet. Eric looked down at his tattered green sweatshirt and grass stained blue jeans, just what was so wrong with him?

“Do you think I’m strange, Rattata?” Eric asked with a little hint of sadness in his voice from the woman’s hateful remarks. Rattata shook its head, not thinking anything was wrong with its trainer. The rat Pokemon adored its trainer, most of all his bright blue eyes. His eyes reminded the Pokemon of fresh Oran berries.

The woman turned back to her Pikachu and the Mew, muttering something to the two before looking back to Eric. The trainer noticed that the Mew looked like it was brand new, yet Eric didn’t see her use a potion or anything.

“Alright, listen up! You’re going to be my traveling partner, because I’m just a helpless little girl and I need protection.” The woman hollered, pointing a perfectly smooth hand in Eric’s face.

“Helpless little girl? What? You just took down a Mew with a Pikachu!” Eric snapped, clearly upset by the fact that this faultless woman just forced him into being a traveling partner.

Yet, the woman didn’t seem to be listening. She gave a little hair flip as the sparkles returned and the sunlight formed a glowing light around her. With her Pikachu and Mew the background, she made a super model pose that made Eric felt uncomfortable by staring at her.

“My name is Mary. Mary Sue! One of the greatest trainers of all time, and don’t you forget it!” The woman said pride as the sunlight bounced off of her perfect teeth and set a nearby Pidgey on fire.

As the smell of roasting Pidgey filled the forest, Eric felt something hard forming inside of his stomach. He had no idea what he was getting himself into, and he would most likely be dead by the time he would part ways with Mary.

“Rattata, we’re doomed, aren’t we?” Eric mumbled to his Pokemon, whom gave a small nod of agreement to the trainer’s statement.

As if as a sign of things to come, the schedule that Eric put so much time into was missing from his pockets.

Worst of all, he was sure that meeting a psycho in the forest wasn’t marked down on it.
 
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This is the one you pitched to me in PM right? Either way, I"m here to suck your blood...
I mean, read your fic. That's it. Yeah, read your fic... <<;

First I'm gonna pick on the length. The first chapter isn't alway long (Mine was only 5, which is short for the recent 20 pager), but this bearly fits into the 2 pages most people expect. I didn't mind, though, but you might get some flak.

The diary of a poor innocent man as he was caught up in one of the worst creations in the world.
----------------------

Dear Diary,

Hello there! As I write down into your blank pages, I cannot help but feel like a weight is off of my chest. This may be my first entry, but you have made me feel like someone besides my Rattata listens to me. As often as I can, I will write down in you the events of my life. Yet, for the practice of becoming a better writer, I shall tell you what happened in the form of a story. I won’t use my real name, so just call me Eric from now on.

This is the tale of how my life was uprooted beneath my feet and turned upside down. This is how I met a young girl named Mary Sue.
This part was very nice. A pokemon trainer who looks to improve his skills as a writer too? Maybe it's sjust somthing I can apreciate, but I realy liked his idea.


Eric lived on a tight schedule, which is rather a strange thing to have when you’re on a journey. Everyday, Eric would wake up at the same time in the early morning. He would go to sleep at the same time every night. He followed the schedule no matter what, never straying away from it.
Sounds more responceable than most jorneying trainers.

I skiped over some discriptive parts, but they were very nice. I liked the use of "Violet" over "Purple" for Rattata, and he was very clearly discribed. But we didn't see Eric, atleast not yet. Also, good use of words like "Worn pathway" and stuff.

"Okay then. Let’s go before we run into anything else strange." Eric said quickly to his Pokemon, who agreed at once to get a move on.
That would SO not have been my reaction but XD

Eric stared at the woman, wondering why she would be cheering. The sparkles were even brighter now that the woman was cheerful. Poor Rattata let out a scream of pain because it was struck blind by her beauty.
Dear lord...


"Her eyes are changing color," Eric whispered as the horrified trainer was reaching to protect his Rattata from harm from the creature in front of him.
There wasn't much talking in this chapter but it's somthing you should watch out for. If someone says somthing, and then you discribe how they say it, it's a comma. For example
"Come, Angelo," Jovial said keeping his voice low.
Of course, if someone's yelling or questioning, you use the appropriate mark and don't capitalize the next letter
"What are you doing!" he yelled
"Do you trust me?" the man asked.
You use a period if it's the end of somthing, like a normal sentence.
"I'm Ryu Rider, and this is where you fall!"

The woman is wearing a school uniform that Eric had seen a few schools use, yet her skirt was way too short. He felt like a pervert by just staring at her. Slowly backing away, Eric was able to finally see what her Pikachu had attacked.
Hahaha, perversion.

The woman held up a wounded creature by its long tail, its bubblegum pink fur was messy from the attack. Foam was coming out of its mouth as it shouted out demonic words while wiggling to get free. Bright azure eyes were turning into blood red as it was glaring up at Eric.
Maybe it was me, but I couldn't get a clear picture to what pokemon it was. Either way, the first line (Bolded), fells like it could be worded diffrently.
"He saw the woman hold the creature up by its long tail. Its pink fur was a mess from the attack, and it shouted demonic words from its foaming mouth in a struggle to get free."
That's how I would have said it, but I'm not you.

Eric suddenly felt scared for his immortal soul as the woman glanced over to him.

She started looking at him in the last paragraph. I think this line would have carried much more weight with just "Eirc suddenly feared for his immortal soul."

All in all, it's not bad. Not bad at all. Eric is pretty much invisible, I don't remember you discribing him at all, but the discription on Sue was amazingly well done. Pikachu and Rattata's discriptions were both well done, too.
Keep up the good work and I can see this becomming a hotspot fic.
 

Uke

...Eh?...
I shall edit it until it is perfect. I'll will also PM you when it is finished for real. Mostly, I was rushing and even I felt like it wasn't finished yet. It will be edited over the weekend.
 

haitianzero

Active Member
Not bad, I'd say. Though, I agree with the above poster about punctuation within dialogue sentences, and also the part about the bubblegum pink pokemon, whom I still couldn't identify. Maybe you should use more descriptions, and I mean descriptions that point out what makes that pokemon stand out.

Also, I believe you should have described the Rattata a little more, because what's prevalent on a Rattata is its two large buck teeth.

By the way, never rush your fics. It's not like we're giving you deadlines of some sort, and also, you should be doing this out of enjoyment and to entertain your audience. Your readers can wait for your chapters, as long as you write them the best way you can. Quick, but poor quality chapters will only repel readers away. If it's a long wait, make sure you make it worth it.

Good luck and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
 

Uke

...Eh?...
New edited version of the first chapter is up. The next one shall be in a new days or so. Enjoy!
 
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