Digimon Adventure (When they were babies...)

[JimmyKudo]

This is a begining to another story, is sorta like a intro to the characters I'll be typing after I'm finish with this story. This story will be narrate by Jimmy Kudo (not me, the character in my fan fic) .

Chapter 1: The 8 Digidestineds
My friends and I never expected it. My friends and I never knew. My friends and I never want to be in this chaos. My friends and I, want to be free.

It all started when I was 2 years of age, I met my friends back then, that, was the day of destiny.

I was placed on a mat, my mum looked at me and said, "Now play nice with the other babies, O.K.?"

I, surprisingly, understood her! Even though I was just a baby.

I slowly crawled towards my mum, I then saw my mum talking with another person, she looks like a nice woman, glassers, green top, nice tone of speech.

She then placed a baby, who's now my best friend, named, Tony Rylinger. He's an average guy, if you don't get him on a bad mood, spiky hair, blue top, blue jeans, not to mention a tanned skin.

Tony then crawl towards me, asking for my name. I was surprised, but I tried to be calm, so I said my name. That's all I said. He then told me his name, and a friendship, began.

A pretty, uh, I meant nice baby, was then placed on the mat, her name's Violet Parr.

She stared at me, I stared back, she then yelled at me, "What're you looking at!?"

I was shocked! She's the one who stared at me first! So, I calmly said, "Hey, you were the one who's staring at me first."

She swiftly turned her head away from me in anger, gee, and I was starting to like her...uh I meant, I was starting to like her, as a friend! Yeah, that's what I meant.

So anyway, I tried to appease her by giving her a plush toy I found on the matt. She's happy and smiled at me, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. As a friend.

Soon, Phil, a baby who's now a science geek, and Lil, Phil's twin sister, who's now shopping at the mall all the time...was placed on the matt.

Phil took out a bundle of worms and hand it towards Violet and said, "Want some?"

"Eww! get those things away from me!" shouted Violet, making a fuss about worms.

"Want some?" asked Phil again as he handed the worms to me.

"Uh, my mum said I'm not allowed to touch worms, sorry." I answered, hey, worms are gross.

Lil then showed a confuse expression and said, "What's their problem?"

Phil answered, "Maybe they're allergic to worms."

After that encounter, Gust, the nerd of our gang, shows up with his finger in his nose, not realizing we're looking at him.

"EWW!" Violet exclaimed.

Gust, who now realize that we're looking at him, shouted in panic before wiping his finger on his shirt, "Ahh!"

Then, Dash, a baby with a yellow diaper and a white top, showed up with his mum (who's also Violet's mum) Mrs. Parr. Mrs. looked nice, she looked like any average housewife, red top, brown trousers, a pair of overworn high heel shoes.

Dashell was placed on the mat as well, while Mrs. Parr said to him, "Now Dash, I don't want another fight with you and Violet, is that clear?"

Dash then defended, "But she's the one who started it first!"

Mrs. Parr then looked at Violet, saying, "Violet, you know you're the older one, you shouldn't fight with your brother!"

Violet then said, "But..."

Before Violet could say anything, Mrs. Parr placed another baby with a blue top and a diaper and said, "No buts young lady. Now I'm leaving you to in charge of Dash and Jack Jack."

Violet then said in distress, "Humph."

When Mrs. Parr left, Dash began his torturing of annoyance, "Ha ha! You were scolded!"

"THAT'S IT!" yelled Violet as she pulled Dash's golden tiny hair on his head.

"Stop it you two! Why can't we sit together, and sing a song?" upon Gust's comment, everyone looked at him.

Then, my little sister came along with mum sayingto me, "You look after your little sister now O.K.? That's a good boy."

Kari looked at me, I looked at her, we each exchange smiles, she always look up to me, she shouldn't. I'm not perfect.

I'm really worried for Kari, she's always sick ever since she was 6. I just hope she'll get better.

Ah yes, the baby life was great, fun, excitement, speaking of that, there was one time when we have excitement, and it wasn't pretty...

I was with my parents, while playing my spotted plush panda doll, is really cute (at least I thought so when I was young) , I always hugged it when I went to bed (when I was young) .

Suddenly, my mum said we had to go to the aquarium, at first, I don't know what's an aquarium, and I got into a lot of trouble...

 

[Shadowcat]

You definitely need tons of improvement.

Please, you could do some more description here. And it was too short. Your paragraphs are too short, and this isn't a page on MS Word.

Could you just add 'Prologue' or 'Chapter *insert number here*' before you post a new chapter/post your Fic/whatever related.

And it hurts my hands, having to keep moving right and left, because, something makes your posts become so huge, that I'm ****** off.

And yes, to just make something clear, I live in Singapore.

Also, your fic needs improvement. Description and a wider vocabulary perhaps? And also, you should do something about the post being so wide. It makes it difficult for readers to read the fic. Or is it just my computer?

I can't picture the characters in my head. Try adding some description, so that reviewers can picture how the characters look like.

This is a fic that may become successful, but it all depends on how you improve. This fic has a chance, but it all depends on how you write.

 

[Shadowcat]

It still needs tons of description. How does Dash look like? How does Violet look like?

And please, is this a chapter? I'm not trying to be harsh, but it isn't a page long on MS Word. You should fuse both chapters together to become one chapter, which is more than a page on MS Word.

And you should make your paragraphs longer with description. No description = Bad Story. That's just my point of view. You should improve on Vocabulary. A lot.

Improve, and don't rush your chapters, when rushed, sometimes, it has tons of errors.

Till next time,

Sapphire,

Oh wait, I mean,

Lucy

 

[JimmyKudo]

He he, sorry, but this is my first time writing a fan fic on this forum, on another forum, one post doesn't=one chapter. I'll edit my last posts.

 

[Shadowcat]

Just a little tip. Don't seperate your chapters. It's confusing for the readers.

I suggest you read the 'Advice for Aspiring Authors' thread, and read the Rules of the Fan Fiction Forum if you want your fic to outshine others.

 

[JimmyKudo]

Oh I seen them, just that is hard to describe characters, very hard. Especially if you need to describe for every single characters, what they look like (two eyes, one nose and a mouth, what would they look like?) , what they wear, is kind of hard.

 

[Shadowcat]

No... I'm not talking about having two eyes and one nose... Describe all characters, it doesn't take long.

A simple example:

The female had long, brown hair, which swayed in the wind, as a gentle breeze blew by. She wore a cyan blouse, which had a stain. Her pink skirt was full of mud, after she had tripped. Kneeling down, the white daisy placed in her hair dropped onto the ground. Her white boots were now dirty, due to the fact she had fallen. The fair-skinned brunette slowly got up, her calm cobalt eyes staring at the sky.

That's just a basic description. It doesn't take long to come up with that.

Yes, description is one of the main factors when writing fics.

 

[JimmyKudo]

Whoa, I could never come up with that...

Anyway, I finished editing chapter 1, time to go to chapter 2!

Chapter 2: The Aquarium
At the aquarium, fishes can be seen in tanks every where, mum carried me down on soft gentle her hands while daddy is taking pictures of the fishes with his brand new camera red in color.

I see a lot of kids older than me back then, there are small kids who're amazed by the beautiful fishes, there are big kids who tells the small kids what're those fishes.

I was resting in mum's comfort hands, watching those kids and the fishes, when suddenly, one of my mum's friend came along, with another guy who I don't know of. He looks mean, (at least I thought so back then) I gave a angry look at him. I looked at his suit, his tie is awfully neat, his shoes made him looked professional, I shouldn't had judged him by his nasty look on his face, but I did, I did.

The man was apparently some insurance guy who's honest, but I thought he was some guy trying to trap my mum in his suitcase, which I called it a box. I was very ignorant at that age.

The man talked to my mum with my mum's friend saying the insurance is good and all that, but I had no idea what were insurance back then...

Anyway, as he was talking to my mum, the thought of him, going to trap my mum in the suitcase, was caused by none other than Gust.

Not that Gust's a urchin, he's just as ignorant as me back then. Gust can walk on his own, that's why he's following his mum towards me and my mum.

Gust's mum greeted my mum, Gust's mum then rejects the insurance for my mum, seeing that is costly. That's when Gust asked me, "Do you think that man is a bad man?"

I answered with ignorance, "Probably..." I grabbed his trousers, it fell off, he was so embarrassed. My mum, seeing that I don't know any better, apologized for my sake, yep, I felt so guity.

 

[ø®ΑпGЗ ♠]

I thought that was a bit too short. I don't see a pointof a prequal, when you didn't even finish the other story.