Astinus
Well-Known Member
Jimmy! Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy... You wanted me to read your fic, and I did, but I should warn you: I am a veteran fanfic reviewer, and am very harsh.
To put it bluntly... It bored me. I didn't read past the first chapter. I follow the rule that if the first chapter doesn't interest me, then I should stop reading. There are a lot of other fanfics out there I could be reading...
*settles back for a long review*
Firstly, you should never ever put character descriptions in your fic. That is just a sign of lazy writing. It shows that you don't care enough about your characters to give them a personality. So, why should I care? Introduce the characters in the fic, not as a list...
Next, the description, or lack there of. What do these characters look like? Sure, you described the Digimon in a way, but not well. Here's an example from my fic, on my own Digimon, Tsunamimon:
This is my introduction to her. Her personality came out more through her actions and speech. Again, another part of a fic I wrote about another character from another fic:
Get down their feelings. Make these characters have emotions that any human can have. Right now, they just seem like cardboard.
The next thing is that your characters seem Sue-ish. Sue-ism is a term applied to a character who is perfect in everyway. If they are ever flawed, it is usually a flaw having to do with nothing of their personal character. They are also clichéd in my eyes. Sorry, but I've seen all these characters before under different names.
My main character is flawed on the outside because a family member attacked her, leaving her face disfigured with scars. But on the inside, she is confused about her religion and her family. She wants to make her father proud of her, so she becomes just like him, thirsting for power. This skerewed sense of the world, believing that power is all that matters, gives her the dilemma of power vs. love when she meets a boy that she likes. Again, her lack of secure decision stems from her trying to make her father proud.
Also, grammatical errors shows that you do not care enough about your story enough to make sure it is your BEST. Also, it is lazy writing.
Improve on your attitude toward your reviewers as well. Not everyone will like what you've written, but you should value their opinions as much as the positive ones. I see that you've lost readers when you snapped at the ones who argued against your views on your characters.
To put it bluntly... It bored me. I didn't read past the first chapter. I follow the rule that if the first chapter doesn't interest me, then I should stop reading. There are a lot of other fanfics out there I could be reading...
*settles back for a long review*
Firstly, you should never ever put character descriptions in your fic. That is just a sign of lazy writing. It shows that you don't care enough about your characters to give them a personality. So, why should I care? Introduce the characters in the fic, not as a list...
Next, the description, or lack there of. What do these characters look like? Sure, you described the Digimon in a way, but not well. Here's an example from my fic, on my own Digimon, Tsunamimon:
This is my introduction to her. Her personality came out more through her actions and speech. Again, another part of a fic I wrote about another character from another fic:
Get down their feelings. Make these characters have emotions that any human can have. Right now, they just seem like cardboard.
The next thing is that your characters seem Sue-ish. Sue-ism is a term applied to a character who is perfect in everyway. If they are ever flawed, it is usually a flaw having to do with nothing of their personal character. They are also clichéd in my eyes. Sorry, but I've seen all these characters before under different names.
My main character is flawed on the outside because a family member attacked her, leaving her face disfigured with scars. But on the inside, she is confused about her religion and her family. She wants to make her father proud of her, so she becomes just like him, thirsting for power. This skerewed sense of the world, believing that power is all that matters, gives her the dilemma of power vs. love when she meets a boy that she likes. Again, her lack of secure decision stems from her trying to make her father proud.
Also, grammatical errors shows that you do not care enough about your story enough to make sure it is your BEST. Also, it is lazy writing.
Improve on your attitude toward your reviewers as well. Not everyone will like what you've written, but you should value their opinions as much as the positive ones. I see that you've lost readers when you snapped at the ones who argued against your views on your characters.