• We are currently experiencing a flood of requests from bots scraping the forums. Unfortunately it has gotten to the point where it is negatively impacting the site. As a result the forums may be slow and you may periodically experiance an error message. We are aware of the problem and apologize for the inconvenience.
  • Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

DKR DX Fan Fic

oliver sreeves

Well-Known Member
Diddy Kong Racing DX: Prologue

Diddy is siting on the porch of his best mate's hut, Donkey Kong’s house in Donkey Kong Country. Diddy is a small monkey that Donkey Kong has known for a long time. He wears a red shirt with yellow stars on it and a red cap. The hut he lived in was actually quite small, but also quite big for a tree house. The hut stood halve way up a tree which could be seen for miles around, as it was one of the many huge tree's in the Kong jungle. The hut had four sides to it (just like an average house) which the tree trunk going through the middle of the house. Each side of the hut had four windows, with a frame, but no glass in them. there was lots of noise from inside as they had guests for the summer. He heard a noise from above and glanced up to see a bird drop a letter as it flew of again.

as it turned out, the letter was from his old friend Timber, son of the Kong’s’ guests, the Tigers. The young Tiger had found himself in quite a bit of trouble that, for once, wasn't even his fault, as, as you would of guessed is quite a trouble maker. After Diddy read the note through a couple more times, he sat back and gnawed on his finger, his gaze fixed somewhere beyond the early jungle mist. He could just see the suns reflections beaming of the tops of the hills, in the distance.

The letter which Timber had sent said:
Please help me Diddy Kong. An evil, giant, pig like being called Wizpig, has arrived at my peaceful Island and has taken over the island. I Know for a fact that you have had a similar problem with the Kremling king. please gather anyone who could help me to save the island. I have consulted with a genie who calls himself Taj, who says that the only way for the island to be saved is to find all of the Golden Balloons around the Island. Most of them can only be found on race courses which will be revelled once you have gathered a certain number of Balloons. If you come first then a Balloon will Magically appear before you, or so I’ve been told.
The best racer on the island called Drumstick offered to help in this challenge but failed, and now he has been turned into a frog, which not even Tag’s magic can break.
I will give directions to my island on the back of this letter. please help, you are my only hope.

PS don't tell my Mum and Dad.


The letter looked as though it had been rushed and Diddy could tell from the messy hand writing and splurges of ink everywhere. He'd been asked to help, so his intention to zip off as soon as possible, could not be in doubt. The question that preoccupied him now was whether or not he should draft some extra help like Timber mentioned, just in case...after all, this Wizpig sounded like a pretty mean foe.

Finally, he decided that his friends Banjo and Conker would still enjoy an adventure, even if it turned out that their services weren't needed. So, the young ape dug out a pencil stub from the mess of his bedroom and hopped back into his seat. Diddys bedroom was very untidy as would any child’s room would be. Banana skins laid every where, even on the bed. There was magazines on the shelves and a trunk at the end of the bed, which contained his odds and end's, from his adventure with Donkey Kong. He had his own bedside table which even had it's own it's own T.V. on the table was a lamp with a candle and a couple of fountain pens, with ink, and bits of paper.

As Diddy sat outside on the Porch he started to write down a couple of messages of his own. as he wrote he whistled for his good friend Squawks, his makeshift carrier pigeon.
As he finished writing his notes with his fountain pen he tied each note to each of Squawks' feat. Squawks flew off sometime afterwards when Diddy had a thought to himself aloud. "I'm going to need lot's of equipment and food for this", and he went inside, through the kitchen, past Timber's dad who would look like a normal tiger but looked quite ferocious, in Diddy point of view, to take some banana's out of the Fruit basket and into his rucksack.

After packing the rest of his things, he had started to pelt of through the jungle to help Timber, after telling D.K. he's going away on holiday for a about a month. A few hours later, Diddy Kong was on the first leg of his journey, tearing off at high speed through the jungle.

As Diddy pounded off through the dense jungle a couple of Kremling spies had seen him and where watching with suspicion.

"Hey - where you think he go?"
asked Krunch. Krunch is a Kremling which for those who don't know are actually crocodile's. Krunch often wears an unbuttoned purple shirt which doesn’t even fit him, or his waist side, and is one of the meanest cronies of the Kremling King and was actually quite interested in what Diddy was doing.

Krunch’s accomplish frowned.

"Why?" asked the second Kremling.

"What if he go fetch others? Fight Kremlings?" The second Kremling thought about this and then realised what Krunch was about to suggest.

"No way. I not go," he said, and turned and bolted into the undergrowth. Krunch rolled his eyes.

"Hopeless," he snorted. "I go after him," he bellowed to his cowardly colleague. "You go tell the boss - see what he think of that, huh?" And with that, Krunch lumbered off through the trees, grumpily swatting aside vines as he went.

Krunch continued after Diddy had passed and started to follow him, in case of any plans to thwart their leader again.

Now it's our hero, Diddy’s job to earn those gold balloons, and earn enough to challenge Wizpig.


Will he do it?
Will Diddy free Drumstick from Wizpig's spell?
Will He come first in many of the races, not to mention the islands boss's who won't take kindly to you earning balloons?

Read on into Chapter 1.
 
Last edited:

oliver sreeves

Well-Known Member
Chapter 1

Diddy our hero finally arrives at Timbers Island. It is a huge island filled with vast forests, mountains and lakes. After a huge trek through Donkey Kong country and a boat ride to get to Timbers island, Diddy is exhausted.


"Oh you're finally here" cried Timber, from the near by dock.

The dock was not as big as other docks Diddy had seen, as it only had two piers. There where a few buildings on the Dock and a light house to the East of the Docks to warn passing ships of any danger, of crashing. The many buildings where mostly wooden and one or two had boards over the window, indicating that the place was becoming derelict.

Timber is a small tiger cub, which has been left in charge of the island while his parents are away with the Kong’s. Timber is an orange and black-striped tiger, with attitude. He also wears a blue hat. But right now he has gone soft as the island he was supposed to be watching over has been taken over by Wizpig.

"Wizpig has taken over my island, and has already taken care of Drumstick".

Diddy was told about this in the letter he received from Timber yesterday. Diddy is a small Monkey who where’s a red shirt with yellow stars on it, and also wears a red cap. For those who skipped the prologue. Drumstick is a chicken who, unlike others, is actually brave and is known as the legendary hero who saved the island before, but when Wizpig came and Drumstick challenged him, it was no good and he was turned into a frog. Drumstick dresses like a Hill Billy with overalls and shirt. But don’t worry about him as he is rather nice towards the islands animals.

"Oh, you told about that in the letter I received" Diddy explained. Staring over at Timber with Astonishment.

"Yes, what am I going to do". Timber was already in tears, and his face and fur was all wet and scruffy from wear he had attempted to wipe his tears. Diddy came over closer to comfort his old friend, as Diddy wanted to help as much as possible. So smiled over at Timber and said…

"Don't worry Timber, I’ll help you. I helped to defeat the Kremling king so this should be a piece of cake, Where are the others" mentioned Diddy.

"Oh" sniffs Timber, trying to cheer up after hearing Diddy speak "Thanks for that, the others are in the jungle, gone to speak to Taj the genie, all except Crunch, who hasn’t been seen recently".

Crunch as I will tell you again, if you skipped the prologue, is a Kremling that Timber accidentally bumped into while he was in a panic on the island, and Crunch offered to help. Crunch is a crocodile who wears an unbuttoned purple shirt. He has the same similarities between other Kremlings but, wishes to save the island as a decoy for his masters plans but the animals don’t know about this yet. He doesn’t want someone taking over the island before his master gets here.

Timber continued "he's probably telling the Kremling king about everything right now, but that doesn't matter, we have to save the island".

"So Crunch is in on the situation. This could be serious." Mentioned Diddy worrying about what he could he could do, he was after all a crony of the notorious King Kremling. Diddy continued to speak, trying not to think of Crunch for now.

O.k, so if Crunch is here then where's this Taj the genie then" said Diddy.

Taj is the mystical genie mentioned in Diddys letter. Taj is an Indian elephant. But recently hasn’t been seen, probably because of Wizpig’s magic. Taj lives up in the mountains and remains elusive to all but a few worthy of seeing him.

"He's was over there the last time I saw him" Timber replied who seemed much happier now than he did before. He pointed towards a path away from the docks towards the dense jungle. There was a marked path going deeper into the jungle. The trees where extremely tall and seemed almost giant compared to the two animals. The light from the sun was broken by the branches and leaves in the undergrowth creating a glimmering effect.


Diddy had not gone far when Timber called from behind him

"Wait" cried Timber, "Don’t leave me here", as he hurried on to ware Diddy was now standing.

It was almost noon now, and they had been walking for about half an hour when Diddy noticed a
clearing, where there a vast open area laid. There were gushing waterfalls and a huge Wizpig head carved into the mountain side. The clearing had palm trees and other jungle trees surrounding it around it, with heavy foliage. The clearing had a stream and was on a hill. The clearing also had many paths coming away from the clearing, going back into the jungle.


Taj had just made himself appear, after sensing Diddy’s arrival and He was now making his way to wear most of the other animals where, in the everyone was talking to one another.

"So Wizpig has taken over the island" shivered TipTup. TipTup was not the bravest of animals and was actually a shy animal for a small turtle of his age. He always hid in his shell if something spooked him, or scared him. He is also considered to be one of the smallest animals on the island but not as small as Pipsy, who I will tell you about in a while.

"Yes" replied Taj. The other animals looked around quickly to see him hovering above the ground as if by magic "You must recover every Balloon on the entire island in order to gain access to Wizpig’s arena."

"Don't worry, we can handle it" replied Pipsy excitedly.

Pipsy is a small female mouse who wears a short blue shirt and a pink bow in her hair. She is the smallest animal on the island but hardly ever gets scared. She is always looking up for TipTup but really isn’t that much of a friend as he is always hiding in his shell but you get the idea.

"I hope there’s nuts to be found on this here island" said, Conker.

Conker is a small red squirrel, who is also one of Diddys friends. In fact Diddy had sent a note to him yesterday telling him about Wizpig. He also wears a blue shirt, and is always excitable about something, whether it’s food or an adventure.

"Why do you always think about nuts" replied Pipsy, looking at Conker disgustingly, as if he had done something wrong.

Conker replied to Pipsy angrily and sarcastically "Well sorry Pipsy, but I can't help it, I love nuts," he continued but in a normal voice this time "…and I’m sure the tree’s around here have plenty of them"

"Well, this island mostly has banana's" Replied Bumper in an excitable manor. Bumper is a Badger who is a racing Enthusiast. He loves to race the other animals but can get really upset if and when he loses. He wears driving goggles and driving gloves, and also a scarf. It was obvious to the others that he was keen to get into a race, with the attitude he was in.

"Well" continued Taj, after being interrupted "To increase your vehicles speed, you must find banana's scattered across the each race track into the engine, don't worry, your vehicles won't be harmed!" he chuckled to himself and glanced around.


"Ah there's Diddy" Taj explained pointing towards the edge of the Southern clearing, Diddy had been standing their for a while worrying if he should show himself. Diddy finally came to his senses and came towards the small gang of animals, with Timber in tow and sat down with the other animals.

"Well Diddy, you herd the news then"

"Yep" replied Diddy, "beat this Wizpig guy, and claim back the island"

"good, now in order to claim Balloons you must earn Balloons, from winning races in each area of the island"

Taj went on "You must retrieve balloons from: Dino Domain, also known as the land of dinosaurs, Snowflake Mountain, that is know as the frozen waste lands, but is actually rather beautiful, Sherbet Island, which is a tropical island of shore from this island but is big enough to host several races and Dragon Forest, where dragons roam and damsels in distress get kidnapped, only then can you face Wizpig"

"Let's go then" cried Diddy, loudly and started walking off, away from the others in an Eastily direction. Holding Timber's letter which was now folded up.

"Not, so fast" said Taj. "Each course is locked behind a door, where you will need a certain number of Balloon’s to enter, even the area its self need's balloons".

Diddy, continued to walk of, followed by the other animals. Who seemed keen to race, followed behind by Timber and TipTup.

Taj called over to them,

"if you need me to change your vehicle between races around the island come find me, I’ll be right here"


Diddy ran off excitably holding the letter timber had given him, not only did it show him where and how to get to the island but it also told him wear each main destination was. Diddy, knowing exactly where he was, was the first to reach the first major destination, which was Dino domain.

Dino Domain as I mentioned a bit earlier was a hot and sometimes brutal land where dinosaurs still roamed. He glanced up suddenly after seeing a bright glimmering light to see, which looked like a golden, round object, trapped in a tree; it was one of the golden balloons. Diddy climbed up and claimed his first golden Balloon. It looked like he had taken his first step to saving the island.

He then saw the entrance to Dino Domain, further along the jungle trail until he got to a large wooden door.
It was a huge door. it was in a cliff face and was partly covered over with foliage, a bit like Taj’s clearing, only more hidden. Diddy could feel a great heat come from inside, as he approached the door. The door also had a rather large red number one on it. which glowed a golden colour, as Diddy approached. And as he did the door magically opened.

Diddy went inside. The other animals who where following much further behind, hurried to where Diddy was, but as they couldn’t keep up with Diddy the door closed behind him. He was now trapped inside, well for now at least.


"Now what do we do!" said TipTup Frantically, flapping his tiny arm’s about "can he get out?"

Bumper replied "I don't know but I'm guessing we have to consult with Taj about this, come on. This is indeed bad."

As the gang hurried off to see what they could do. Krunch had appeared out of the jungle foliage and overgrowth, scaring the others, especially TipTup, who had now retracted into his shell.

"where’s Taj" snapped Crunch, he was covered in broken twigs and moss. And it looked like he had fallen over many times in the jungle.

"he’s this way" beamed Bumper, who seemed to care more about Diddy than Crunches Bruises.

The gang, now teamed up with Crunch hurried along the jungle path to see Taj,

What will happen next?
What will happen to the Diddy? Find out in chapter 2.
Feel free to comment this fan Fic, as it took about an hour, to type this.
I have edited this story as much as possible and I think it is O.K.
 
Last edited:

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
WHERE IS DESCRIPTION D:

Seriously. Where is it. This is very, very poor. You wrote this up in the reply box too, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? .-. broke several rules here my friend. And it'll probably end up with your fic closed and a warning for breaking rules you should have made yourself aware about before hand. THERE IS LITTLE EXCUSE FOR THIS.

Write up your stories in a word program. Add description. Add emotion. Add depth. Make the story more than a poor mans script with little to it, and not much in the way going for it.

feel free to coment this fan fic, as it took about an hour. to type this.

AN HOUR? For that? Bud, unless you can puff up your chest and say it atleast took you five hours or so or more, that's as pathetic as going it took me five minutes to write it!

Because it shows just how much you rushed this trite :/
 

oliver sreeves

Well-Known Member
Yami Ryu i swear that you are braking rules here too, as i looks like you are flamming the editor.

i have edited the last chapter with descriptions of each charcter and surroundings as much as posible and will do more editing when i think the story needs it.
 

Draconis

Currently active.
Yami Ryu i swear that you are braking rules here too, as i looks like you are flamming the editor.

i have edited the last chapter with descriptions of each charcter and surroundings as much as posible and will do more editing when i think the story needs it.

I see no flaming, only harsh, yet constructive critiscism, which you would benefit from. You, on the other hand, are in violatation of Fanfic rule number seven.

7) Broken down for easy understanding.

Prologue: The recommended is about a page length in word but you won't be penalised for going under, long as it gets across what it needs to and doesn't break another rule it's fine

Chapters: These are kept in ONE thread and the recommended for these is about 3 Word pages which in turn encourages good formatting so nobody gets blinded by the blocks of text some people happily produce. You will be taken more on content but you can have the longest chapter on record but if the content is bashing somebody, out of the ratings, bad grammar to the blocks of ext or sprite ridden you will received a warning and closure if the fic is not sorted.

You seem to fail at using proper punctuation in some cases, and your so called chapter looks like multiple blocks of jumbled text, instead of being properly paragraphed. Typing your fic up in the reply box is another way to make your fic less appealing. I highly doubt that your first so called chapter is even two pages long in a proper word program, let alone three.

It would be in your best interest to read the fic rules, and advice for aspiring authors threads, and actually follow said rules and advice next time you submit another chapter, or fic.
 

oliver sreeves

Well-Known Member
i don't want any trouble so i put everything into word and spell checked it and improved it slightly. hoping to post my second chapter shortly.
 

oliver sreeves

Well-Known Member
Chapter 2

Diddy was left pounding on the large wooden doors of Dino Domain, when he heard a strange whirling sound coming from behind him.

The place was searing hot. There was a clearing through the steamy mist and He approached he saw a strange new surrounding.

There where not as many palm trees, no grass or ferns, the soil beneath his feat was gritty, but dry.

As he continued he saw a small pterodactyl fly by crying out to its family. This was indeed the Dino Domain.

As the mist started to clear he could clearly see a strange red circular thing that almost looks like a clock, a stop watch in fact, with feat. Diddy approaches the strange being, cautiously and says...

“Excuse me, how am I supposed to get out”

“You won't be able to unless you beat the boss in this area”
This was a talking stop watch. Diddy was astounded, and explained to the strange being that his friends where trapped outside.

“Don’t you worry about a thing, they will get in eventually. Oh I haven’t introduced myself my names T.T”.

T.T smiled and continued to walk in circles. T.T, the clock is actually a really friendly character, who guided Drumstick through his missions, he now roams hear and there on Timber’s island. He over looks the islands race courses and is in charge of the chequered flag, and keeping a track of time.

“So how will they get in” explained Diddy in a confused but almost furious manner.

“They will get in once they earn their own golden balloons” T.T explained “but for now take the time to explore, you can't race without them”


Meanwhile the others had just come of the jungle path and where now lost, they had no idea where they where, but Banjo the bear knew where he was going.

Banjo, the bear is a friendly honey bear, who enjoys eating and drinking honey. He is always helpful, and occasionally, playful, but can be a bit boisterous, and not know his own weight, as he is the one of the largest members of the small group. He also went everywhere with the blue rucksack he carried on his back.


“I can smell, honey!” gasped Banjo, as he followed his really sensitive nose.

“Where are you going” cried TipTup who was now getting agitated, by the fact that, their strongest member of the group was walking away from them.

“Do you remember that sweet smell, when we where in the clearing” called Banjo, back to the group, “it was nectar, and where there’s nectar there’s honey”

The group decided to follow Banjo through the dense under growth. Long vines whipped them as they went, and by the time they reached the clearing they where just as a mess as Crunch who looked even worse now.

“Taj!” bellowed Banjo, “where are you”

Suddenly Taj appeared before them, and looked puzzled why Diddy, was not with them. He smiled, suddenly and said, “What all this fuss about then is, and where’s our friend Diddy?”

“Diddy went ahead of us” explained Bumper the badger, “and got locked in the Dino Domain”, Bumper tried to continue to explain, but was so exhausted from clambering through the jungle that he was out of breath, so Pipsy finished what he was saying.

“…When we got there the door had closed. Why was it that the door didn’t stay open for us?”

Taj looked calmingly over at the exhausted animals, and explained

“He will be o.k., I have a friend that is waiting for him in Dino Domain so there is no need to panic, but for now, you must search the island for your own golden balloons”

Taj continued to speak, but more slowly than usual.

“Only when you get your own balloons, will you be able to get in. not many are left and there won’t be enough, for you all to go in, so you’ll have to pair up and meat back here.”

The animals agreed on this and split up in to groups.

Tiptup went with Pipsy and Conker went with Bumper and Banjo with Timber, Leaving poor old Crunch to find one on his own. “Grrrr” growled Crunch who had now worked up a temper, “why is it that no one ever stays with me”

At this Taj had finished which made crunch even angrier. He stomped of back towards the docks, to where he had been spying on Diddy and Timber before hand. He looked as though he knew what he was after.

Shortly Tiptup had noticed a balloon near the raging water falls on the eastern shore. The beach was clean, and the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks sounded beautiful. The two of them climbed up, the water fall using an old log near by. It was an old log, and was really damp from the spray of the water fall. The spray had created a rainbow in the mist, which looked really cool.

“I’m scared” cried the cowardly Tiptup, as they got nearer to the Balloon. The log was creaking ever so slightly under the weight of the small turtle.

“Don’t be such a wimp” called Pipsy after him. She was down near the beach. Pipsy had helped TipTup to reach the balloon, and could help no further.

“I’m almost there……Got it!!!” TipTup yelled, but just as he did the log he was standing on broke and he fell into the water fall. Pipsy yelled back to him

“Are you ok?! TipTup, are you there?!”

“I’m ok” replied the figure of a turtle, who was now drenched. “I tucked myself in my shell just as I hit the rocks. My shell maybe bruised, but I’m completely unharmed. The two of them, started talking about their balloon when they herd voices coming from further down the beach. They turned to see who it was.

It was Bumper and Conker where. They had also found a Balloon around the northern isle and where trying desperately to reach it.

“Can’t you reach it yet” yelled Bumper to Conker, who was standing on his shoulders in a wooden boat. This was a boat similar to the boat Diddy came in, and was just as small, but was really old.

The Balloon was on a branch sticking out of the cliff but not far up. The cliff was tall, and small rocks fell from time to time.
The old boat started to wobble, with the weight of the two animals, and just as Conker managed to grab it, the boat tipped over and they fell into the water. They managed to swim to shore to where Tiptup and Pipsy where standing.

“You two o.k.!” Cried Pipsy to the two drenched animals slowly coming up the beach

“Yeh!” Cried Bumper and Conker simultaneously.
They each looked at each other then started laughing.

“Ha, ha, ha you do look funny wet” explained conker pointing at Bumpers fur which was standing on end as he shook himself dry. Conker had every hair on his skin on end, and was very much the same as Bumper but his sweatshirt was soaked through to the skin.

“You don’t look great, you’re self” explained Bumper to Conker, pointing to the soaked sweatshirt.


Meanwhile Banjo and Timber had found a Balloon near to the clearing where Taj was. It was nestled near to the large figure of Wizpig in the rock but was really high up. Banjo, who was good at climbing offered to climb up and get the balloon; it was very slippery with moss and spray, but not as slippery as the honey he was used to and soon managed to grab it and climb down.

“Great you got it”, cried Timber

“Yep, I got it”, replied Banjo “…and even found some bananas up there”.

“Let’s go see Taj now” cried Timber, and the two of them ran to see him.

The animals on the beach continued to make jokes about each others fur, apart from Tiptup who had no fur. Pipsy started to get really annoyed and shouted out
“I can’t stand here all day, we got to save Diddy”.

At once the animals stopped, and nodded.
“Let’s go see Taj, then” explained Conker “maybe he’ll tell us if we can get in yet”.

“O.k.” cried the others, except Tiptup who had now gone into his shell.

“What’s the matter” cried Bumper.
“It’s Crunch” cried Tiptup, who had taken one arm out of his shell and was now pointing further down the beach.

Sure enough, there was crunch. He also had a balloon and approached the gang of smaller animals.
“While you lot where doddering, I found myself a balloon” he snapped. He paused turning to look at the wimpy TipTup who was just poking his eyes out of his shell, he then continued,

“It was over by the dock, but that’s not for you to know. I saw you lot having fun so thought I’ll drop by. Do you know how I can get back to Taj.

Bumper answered back “he’s up that path” pointing towards another marked path heading deep into the jungle.

Crunch started walking in the direction of the path.

“Well let’s not stand here for ever, lets go!” cried Bumper.

The others agreed and ran to catch up with Crunch.
When they had caught up, he was near to the clearing and could see Banjo and Timber there in the clearing waiting with Taj.

The others ran up to Taj including Crunch who looked menacingly over at Taj and the others.
“Well, it looks like you all found balloons well done”, Taj explained. “You should be able to get in if you hold each others hand and go in altogether or as pairs”.

“Thanks!” Cried everyone but Crunch, who just wanted to get this over and done with.

The animals hurried back to the entrance to Dino domain, and it opened again as it had done with Diddy, and they all managed to get in, just as the huge door, slammed shut.

“You lot made it!” Cried Diddy, who was really happy to see him.
He had not noticed Crunch, who was standing behind the rest of the group.

“This is my new friend T.T.!” Explained Diddy, “He has told me everything there is to know about the area, and I found out where we need to go first!”

“So where is it then?” Snapped Crunch, in an angry manor, who was just impatient, to get everything over and done with. Maybe if he actually helped, it would cover up his plans for the time being.

Diddy turned to notice where the voice had come from, to see Crunch.

“I though you weren’t coming” Replied Diddy in a puzzled manor.

“I was late, so I followed these lot here” he bellowed loudly “I even found this balloon near the docks, where you where!”

“So anyway,” Diddy continued. “we need to make it to The Ancient Lake” which is just a bit south of here, come on!” Diddy stopped and paused for a moment. “how did you know about me at the docks”

Startled by this comment Crunch replied “I was just wondering around and saw you talking to the little pussy cat over there”

“Hey!” replied timber in a raged voice. “I am not a pussy cat, I’m a tiger”

“What ever” replied Crunch, who didn’t seem to care at all now?

The gang started walking along towards where Diddy was when they herd a voice.

“Wait”, cried T.T who seemed to be quite until, now all of a sudden.

“I’m the overseer of the Tracks on the island and in essence I’m the referee.”

The other animals looked astounded, except Diddy who had been told before hand, but it seemed clear to them that a stop watch would look over them, to see who was cheating.

They continued down the marked path towards another huge door. T.T opened it and the animals went inside.

“You will each receive your own custom made vehicles.” Explained T.T “Pipsy and Tiptup, your vehicles will have greater acceleration than other vehicles but less speed and weight as the others. Diddy, Timber, Conker and Bumper, you will each receive vehicles which slightly differ from one another.”

“These will be classed as middle weight vehicles. And last of all we have Banjo and…” T.T looked nervously at Crunch, who in turn glared back at him “what’s your name, I haven’t seen you before”. Crunch answered “the names Crunch and don’t you forget it”.

“O.k. replied T.T, well you to will have heavy weight vehicles, but they suffer from low acceleration and handling.

The others liked there vehicles and got ready for there first race.


I will put up chapter 3 when I hear this is o.k. as the next chapter will include the first real race.
 
Last edited:

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Maaaan my mama didn't raise no idiot. You're still rushing the fic, it's still short, and probably it is still being written up in the reply box. Oh, and also, if I was flaming you, your name would now be Crispy Fried Fritter. What I really did, was burn you with the truth, and you should know: TRUTH HURTS.

All this chapter was (2), is seven paragraphs really. Seven poorly made, stretched out, poorly described, structred, thought out paragraphs. Chapter 1 was basically the same and the prologue is still poor.

So I am going to do the world a favor. And you. I am reporting this :/
 
Right I stuck this in Word and got 3 pages and a bit.

BUT WAIT, HUGE POINTLESS SPACES, LETS REMOVE THEM.

3 and a tad now but still heavily stretched out. Do you know how speech works? I did add an example in the rules so if I may quickly snag it:

Her expression strikes a something completely undignified, furious before it quickly subsides for reluctant acceptance to his decision. Daring not to utter a word, she can’t help but question in her mind why send that pitiful old one with her and not allow herself to go with the master.


Turning away to allow the pair out from their captives, he stares carefully at the Umbreon a moment, quirking an eyebrow a slight and snickering a little before glancing back to Helle.

‘Would you be so kind to help her up? You are admittedly a little tall for shorter legs lacking your kinda spring,’ he asks so almost innocently, wondering if possibly she would take the bait.

‘Very well then,’ she replies with a dip of her head earning a quiet mutter in return.

Walking up to the sitting Umbreon with a clatter and scowl across her face, glaring at the seemingly expressionless Pokemon whose ears merely wave a slight as she waits with the utmost patience.

Carefully she is scooped up, extra care to ensure no legs are caught in an almost loving gesture before being placed on the grumbling mare’s back and completely oblivious to the smirk.


‘Good enough, come on Diablo with both of us tracking there’s a better chance of finding something this way, we’ll leave the ladies to themselves’ the speaker says simply, with a hand a slight before already breaking into a run leaving the emaciated canine little more choice than to chase after.

Watching her master depart with harsh eyes, she turns to the waiting Umbreon, raising a hand to strike her now so sure how would not see.


Oh but that if he was to find that I struck her out of turn, he knows well I do not like her and should nothing be found this would only put him in a fouler mood.


The centaur blinks a moment, stupidly, had she just thought that? Looking a little confused she glances to Yami who has done little more than tilt her head with the look of wonder to why she stands there still.

Frowning slightly and with a snort, finally she runs trying to ignore the faint grip on her back from the old one muttering a quiet word of hatred at her rider, doing little more than to widen that grin and every tooth it possess in turn.


Thats just a tad under a page because of wierd spacing caused by the page drop from the previous paragraph. Admittedly you have no idea who anybody is as this is a random chapter snippet. However can you see the description there? How the speech is structured? How you can remotely twll the difference between everybody?

Too many characters are very hard to control which you have smacked straight into. A lot of people will have no idea who half of these are much less so from your poor description and personalising of the characters.

Your paragraphing also leads a lot to be desired. It descends into just people talking, talking, minor action sequence that is barely noticable, talking.

Go read the two threads and have a skit roung real stories both in books and online. You'll see that pothole infront of you much better in doing so.


Sandra
 

oliver sreeves

Well-Known Member
i re-did the prologue for now as i don't want to do any chapters for now incase of any more bad news. i did descriptions as much as possible and even did Unnecessary things. please say that it's a start as a don't want this to be deleted. if it is, at least warn me it is being deleted so i can save my story into word.
 
Why haven't you already got it in word? Thats what you should be doing. Yuor write it out in word spending up to a week or more if need be, certainly not anything less then two days for a chapter. Course that meas saving and checking all the way.

Going back to edit something bad is one of the stupidest things you can do as a riter. Writting afresh shows if you've picked anything up and bothered to use it, editting just shows you know how to read.


Sandra
 

oliver sreeves

Well-Known Member
phew! just finnish chapter 2. again!

it's 6 pages and one line so wow!!
this is in my opinion a step forward. i rekon i'm getting better, but could improve more,

suggestions?
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
It's only six pages because you stretched it out even more with mostly single scentences.

“So how will they get in” explained Diddy in a confused but almost furious manner.

I think the correct thing would be asked not explain. And maybe it'd help if proper grammarwas used too. You know, periods, exclimation marks, question marks.

You have not read Advice for Aspiring Authors, you aren't really trying to make this better. You continue to do the bare minimum in an attempt to keep this from getting closed, when doing so is what will end up closing your shoddy wrote in the reply box fic :/
 
Top