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Drabble Dex

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by bobandbill, Jun 25, 2015.

  1. [Imaginative]:[Clockwork]

    [Imaginative]:[Clockwork] X-treme trainer

    Relicanth is for sure my favorite since my last review. I love the highlighting of the non-relationship between rare and good (after using 50+ Dusk Balls to catch regirock in ORAS, I'm all too familiar with the high value of pokemon I just don't like all that much). Of course a little kid wouldn't want a relicanth (or really any fish pokemon for their first one), and the parents' oblivious pride made it all the funnier.

    Mienfoo was another one I liked a lot. While I'm probably more drawn to the pessimistic humor of some of the other drabbles, I liked the sweetness of the ending. It was a different kind of humor, more warm chuckles than the others, but it worked really well.

    I'm not sure about the pikachu one, though. It plays like a joke, but I think it lacks the unique angle you give to the others, so it ended up being a little more typical, I guess, for me. Shroomish, for instance, uses the perspective of a salty little pokemon to add some flavor to the situation, but I'm not sure the pikachu drabble has a voice to make it stand out too much. I thought the pichu one was great, though, so maybe pikachu was suffering from comparison.

    Overall, though, great as usual! Reading these makes me want to write comedy before I remind myself that no, I shouldn't do that. Especially not when I'll be compared to these! Good work!
     
  2. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    I have a soft spot for that drabble too, haha. I actually wrote that one years ago, before any of the others posted here. And yeah, Relicanth were a bugger to catch for me in the 3rd gen games.
    I'm not always pessimistic. =p I always am amused by High Jump kick and the side effect it brings when it misses, heh.
    Interesting call. Curious what others thought about it. The Pikachu one had been suggested with a prompt which I changed up slightly but still kept the main thing (Pikachu under a blanket). Which strikes me as an odd prompt, but I gave it a go at any rate.
    Aw, it's always worth giving it a go! But thanks for the review again!
     
  3. Agreeing with [Imaginative]:[Clockwork] that the Relicanth one was the best of this last bunch, if mostly for how you really captured the awkwardness of the situation of proud parents giving a not-so-appealing Pokemon to their overeager daughter. But I also really liked the Mienfoo one, since I thought it was the one that made the most out of its 100 words. The Pichu one was funny in that I honestly did not expect it to be so, well, secretive of its existence.

    I'm just not sure what to make of the Mienshao and Pikachu ones, since their scenes seem more, well, unfinished than the others. Yes, both of their scenes are clear from start to finish, but they don't have the solid ending that all the others do. I'm not sure if you were actually aiming for the fleetingness of the two drabbles, so if you were, then good job. But if you weren't, then I think you can make the endings stronger for both of them.

    Overall though they're really great, and I can't wait for more! Will it be too cliche if I requested the Mudkip line? Hahaha
     
  4. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Relicanth would be the best starter Pokemon. :V Neat to hear that about the Meinfoo drabble as well.
    I had been aiming for that with those drabbles, actually; Meinshao's was meant to have the abrupt attack-and-escape, while I settled on Pikachu running back out the way it came, as it seemed like a reasonable reaction for it to make given it sneaked into an unfamiliar place to begin with. But nonetheless, two reviews saying they felt weaker (or at least the Pikachu one) is an indication it didn't quite work out. =p

    Not too cliche for me too refuse that, haha. =p I'll be posting the set I have done in a moment, and already started on the line after that, but Mudkip will follow. :V Thanks for reviewing again!
     
  5. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Ponyta


    Intruder

    The farmhand squinted at the far side of the field. He covered his eyes from the sun and walked towards the intruder. Gradually he recognised it as a young Ponyta, and spied the gap in the fence it must have squirmed through. Suddenly it turned its head and stared at him with adolescent curiosity.

    “Go on, get out,” he urged. “Back to your owners.” It brayed and bent its head to graze.

    “No!” But the flames from its mane licked the turf and started spreading. The farmhand shook his head and summoned his Water type Pokémon.

    “We need fire-retardant grass...”
     
  6. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Rapidash


    Unlicensed Havoc

    They heard the sharp strikes of hooves bouncing upon the street well before recognising its confused whines for help.

    “What did that fool teach now?” the man muttered. He tugged his son back against the wall. Soon a large horse with flames upon its back bounded into view, flailing its legs in protest with each flight. The man spied springs attached to its hooves which clinked as one against the bitumen.

    “That, son, is why you won’t teach your Pokémon moves from that Tutor. Let them learn themselves.” The son nodded silently as they watched it Bounce toward the horizon.



    **************

    I actually made two for Rapidash! I got the idea after finishing the first one and felt it was worth a go.



    A few words

    The sun was setting as the Pokémon Fan Club Chairman gazed toward his Pokémon. He murmured the words to his friend, the same he had told so many times before, to the visitors to his club, and his friends who had heard the description a myriad of times.

    The words washed together. His cherished Rapidash heard how it was...cute... lovely... smart... adorable... irresistible... plus... amazing... (Don’t you think so? he thought.) Oh, so... wild... beautiful... kind... (I love you.) Warm and cuddly... spectacular...captivating...simply divine... I treasure you... (I’ll always treasure you.)

    The man smiled, patted the tombstone and ambled away.
     
  7. AmericanPi

    AmericanPi Write on

    AAAAAA!!!

    (That was me screaming.)

    After reading all these light, humorous, comic-strip-like drabbles, the second Rapidash drabble really hit me right in the feels. At first it was like, "Oh, my Rapidash is so wonderful, yada yada yada," but then it was like "BOOM the Rapidash is dead". I like the change of tone, though. As I was reading the funny drabbles I wanted to challenge you to write a darker, more serious one. Then I read "A Few Words" and thought, Wow, you can totally write serious stuff as well as comedic stuff. Your more serious drabble was great - it was an unexpected but refreshing change. The twist at the end was very effective, and felt like a punch to the stomach. The drabble really made me feel sorry for the Pokemon Fan Club chairman, whom I previously thought of as a random annoying NPC who gave you a kind of useful item. "A Few Words" really played with my emotions, and I always like that in a story. I'm especially amazed at how you managed to do that with just 100 words.

    Okay, now that I've gotten all my sentiments about "A Few Words" out of the way, I'm going to get down to providing my signature Review Game-style review for your drabbles.

    Writing
    Your writing style is great, and I can't see anything that you need to work on. You do an excellent job at using the right amount of words to convey the needed message, especially because you're constrained by the 100-word requirement. Writing 100-word drabbles is harder than it looks (I can attest to that), and I think you did a great job.

    Enjoyment
    I enjoyed your drabbles a lot. Like Dramatic Melody said before, they did read a lot like a comic strip, with the punchline at the end. I also enjoyed your one serious drabble, although in a different way. Overall, you have a very interesting idea here, and a very enjoyable work too.

    Plot
    Almost all of your drabbles were really enjoyable and had great plots. However, I felt that your Pikachu and Rapidash (the first drabble, not the second one) ones were somewhat weaker than your other drabbles. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed them, but not as much. The Pikachu drabble's plot felt kind of random, like it didn't know what to do with itself. I didn't exactly find it funny, because why would the Pikachu run back into the blizzard? And I had to read the first Rapidash drabble several times, and even after I did that I didn't get the joke. What's so funny about teaching a Rapidash Bounce by tying springs to its feet? That feels mean and confusing rather than funny, to be honest.

    On another note, even though you said you didn't like it, I liked your Raichu drabble quite a lot. It was interesting to see Ash's Pikachu finally evolve after Ash figured out how to actually use an evolutionary Stone (what an idiot. That's part of what made it so charming.).

    Techniques
    "Drabble Dex" reminds me of the Pokedex One-Shots Yssavryl wrote a while back. The reason why I bring the Pokedex One-Shots up is that you have a great idea here - it's similar to the one-shots in that each drabble features one Pokemon, but different in that they're drabbles and mostly comedic in nature. You seem to have a knack for comedy, because most of the time the funniness was natural rather than forced.

    That said, I do have some suggestions for how to make this project even better. An index would be really nice - that way, new readers can glance at the index and follow appropriate links to their favorite Pokemon. Also, I would suggest to mix up your tone a bit more - your single serious drabble was great, and I hope to see more drabbles of a different tone.

    I can't believe the length of this review lol. It's even longer than my reviews for actual chapters. But that's because I had a lot to say, I guess. I'll definitely come back and drop another review for the next fifteen drabbles you write.

    And while I'm here, can I request Finneon and Lumineon? I feel that these two Pokemon are largely ignored by everyone, which is a shame because I think they're quite cute and pretty. I would like to see you write something interesting on them. Keep up the good work! :)

    - Pi
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2015
  8. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    AAAAAA!!!

    (That's me in reaction to your long, awesome review!) ;p

    I should pretend that all the other drabbles was just a setup for this one, haha. The idea was an afterthought (right after I finished a draft for the other Rapidash drabble), but I felt it needed to be written. Now I'm glad I went with that decision! I felt a lot of us have experienced his ravings though, and hence it'd be easy to relate to him.

    Given it was a drabble I suppose I really tried to keep the twist to the very end (only 9 words, so less than a tenth of the story) and add more to the earlier parts about the character's ramblings and his thoughts with his speech.

    It is true I can write serious stuff, but I also feel more comfortable with comedic, and enjoy that more as well. But I will certainly consider writing more in the future. (I suppose Scizor's also counts as serious rather than funny to be fair. =p)
    Now I want to see drabbles or the like in newspapers with comic strips. :V
    In defense, the plot for pikachu was partially requested by someone else rather than myself. D= Not that I had come up with anything better. And with pikachu doing that, I felt that at least it knew outside better than this strange building with people sitting on it - it could at least try and find somewhere else to hide from the cold. Maybe not the clearest logic to follow though>
    Hmm, I see. The joke was on the dark side, and also more about how a non-legit Move Tutor would actually teach Pokemon moves (or how any move tutor would do that in the first place, tbh), hence the title of that drabble. Wonder what everyone else thought about it!
    I see. I don't follow the anime much so maybe I just wasn't sure about using Ash. I did know Pikachu has had multiple episodes about evolving and ultimately not doing so though! And Ash unfortunately forgets things like typings, so that seemed a fair enough joke for him.
    People seem to like my comedy stuff, I like writing it, it seems a good match! =p I remember those one-shots as well, heh. Hopefully I'll continue to entertain with these like Yssavryl did!
    I was considering doing an index at some stage, and you prompting it and me hitting the second page has made me create one now! And as said, I'll consider more different tones as well. Heck, this is a sort of challenge for myself anyway, might as well practice other writing styles as well!
    They're in the list! They are generally ignored Pokemon, aren't they... water type syndrome I suppose, coupled with their location (need to surf to get them iirc, and to surf you... need a water type. Oh.) I'll work on those after DM's mudkip line, after the other line I've already got, haha.

    Thanks for the great review! =)
     
  9. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Horsea


    Modern Art

    “Hand in your homework,” the teacher announced. She involuntarily shuddered upon glimpsing Jason’s attempt.

    “What,” she said slowly, “is that?”

    “Bubbler made it!” He grinned at her and held out the splat of salt-smelling ink upon the unfortunate paper. The other children clutched their noses as Bubbler – the small Horsea Jason kept in the fishbowl on his desk – honked happily.

    “This... You were meant to make the art piece, not your Pokémon.”

    “We made it together,” Jason said firmly.

    “Alright,” she grumbled, defeated. Bubbler shot a playful spray of water at her, electing laughter from the class.

    She hated children.
     
  10. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Seadra


    Quiet, please

    And NEXT, on Trainer’s Got Talent! It’s Jimmy!

    Jimmy bounded on stage. He took a moment to take in the crowd before summoning his trio of Pokémon.

    “Aww, they’re soooo CUTE!” one judge screeched.

    The others next to her grimaced. “Begin,” one grunted.

    The Seadra started with a good impersonation of a brass band. The audience began to groove to the rhythm before the first judge ‘cooed’ loudly. Her shrill tone startled one Seadra who violently sneezed, splattering ink over the stage and onto the judge. She shrieked and ran off screaming, while the remainder applauded.

    “You’ve got my vote!”
     
  11. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Kingdra


    New Fashion

    “Hey, Kingdra. Come over here.”

    She opened one sleepy eye. That was Clair, her trainer. Normally training wasn’t this early. She yawned and made her way towards the water’s surface. It took a moment for her to reach Clair.

    She beamed at her. “What do you think?” She twirled, an action most unlike Clair which threw off her Pokémon. It took another moment for the Kingdra to register her clothing. The blue dress and headpiece resembled... her. She snorted, accidentally spat out a blot of ink, and chuckled.

    Clair put her hands on her hips. “What, don’t you like it?”
     
  12. Finally found the time to read this. Yay for slow days at work!

    So first, let me echo American--Pi in saying that GODDAMN WHAT THE HELL WAS "A FEW WORDS"??? What did I do to deserve to feel sorry for that FREAKING POKEMON FAN CLUB CHAIRMAN WHO JUST WASTED MY TIME WITH HIS FREAKING ELLIPSES AND--

    Erm, what I meant to say was, you did really great in throwing the reader off-guard with that one. Even if I read it independently of the other drabbles (in that, if I wasn't taken aback by how serious it was compared to the lighter and funnier nature of the others'), I still think it would pack quite a punch with that last line. And that punch is like Machamp's Dynamic Punch. Or Hitmonchan's Mega Punch. Or something.

    Granted, the drabble immediately preceding it, "Unlicensed Havoc", was actually one of my favorite ones in this bunch, along with "Quiet, please." The very image of a person joining a talent show with three Seadra as a musical act is just on a whole other level of awesomeness, you know?

    I also felt that these latest batch of drabbles were much more holistic in their approach, in that I didn't feel like any of them needed more than the 100 words you gave to each of them. If anything, I was just a bit surprised that every single one of the Horsea line's drabbles involved them spraying ink on someone for comedic effect, but that's just being nitpicky. (I mean, they will probably be three of the very few Pokemon you'll have a chance to do that, so might as well, right?)

    Great job as always! (And I'll take a look at that fic you just posted soon.) :)
     
  13. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Sorry DM, I had thought I had replied earlier! This is what happens when rl jumps over your plans I guess. But hey, mudkip line drabbles after this reply? ;p
    I'd say Machamp's punch given with the right ability it won't miss. And gets STAB as well.

    Nice to hear multiple people had similar reactions to that drabble! And hey, don't be too annoyed at the guy, he did give us a Rare Candy for listening to his long monologue. =p I had to say though when the idea came to me I had to do it - him being too memorable a one-off character was part of that, haha.

    Ah cool, conflicting thoughts on Unlicensed Havoc! Neat to know. And hurrah for love for the Seadra show! I reckon Pokemon talent shows in general would make for great entertainment, haha. Maybe from the safety of the television screen though.
    Yeah, it's something I noticed as well, but I decided to go with it. And to be fair, the last one doesn't rely on it for the joke, but it seemed like a common trait the Pokemon species would have to me, in using ink to such an extent. Or maybe that's just me remembering Clair have hers use Smokescreen too much. :V
    If you do (or did) I hope you like it! Thanks once again for the review here!
     
  14. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Mudkip


    Adoption Centre

    “Thanks for letting me report on this!”

    “No worries.” She opened the door. “This way.”

    They were greeted by endless rows of sterile cages. All the occupants turned their heads as one to regard their visitors.

    “Wow... so many Mudkip,” the reporter breathed. “Why are there so many?”

    “You’re aware of the ‘herd u liek Mudkip’ advertisements?” He nodded. “Too successful. People bred them like Buneary, and now we have an overflow.”

    “But why were these given up? They’re cute!” He petted one. It burped an astonishing amount of mud in reply that overflowed onto the floor. “...Oh. Right, mud.”
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2015
  15. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Marshtomp


    Eat your vegetables

    “C’mon, they’re good for you!” the trainer pleaded. He got knelt and offered the remaining dinner contents to his Marshtomp. It backed up into the corner and moaned, shaking slightly for good measure as it ignored its trainer’s coaxing.

    His roommate looked up from his book. “I told you not to use him in the Grass-type Gym after he evolved,” he berated. “You probably scared him off plants for life now.”

    The trainer persisted. “Look, they’re tasty!” He took a bite from one before violently spitting it out.

    “It’s Pokéfood, not people food.” He turned back to his reading. “Idiot.”
     
  16. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Swampert


    Mega Waste

    It hadn’t even a moment to take in his surroundings when he felt the energy behind him. He turned and saw his trainer grin, toss him a stone, and place a hand on his bracelet.

    The Swampert nodded back and allowed the stone’s light to consume his body. His arms and fins grew until the light burst away to unmask his transformation. He let loose a roar and looked for his opponent, only to face a lone boulder.

    “Yeah, could you please move that?” the trainer asked. Swampert slowly turned back and glared. “What? I thought the muscles would help!”
     
  17. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Here's the first set of legendary Pokemon drabbles! I wrote these for a prompt over on PC, even if the prompt could only possibly fit one of them (I'll post what that was after the last of these). And it kinda fits the FFQ prompt as well, so there's that too!

    Back to the requested list afterward, but given time constraints (prompt deadline), this had to be posted now (Christmas Eve over here!)


    -----------------------------------


    Regice


    The Entertainer

    It was already there, waiting for them. It knew better than they when Winter had begun.

    But now it could celebrate. It skated to the centre of the clearing and twirled. A cold wind began to generate from its body, coating the ground in ice. Soon a makeshift ice rink had formed. A few children giggled and leapt onto the icy creation, only to promptly fall over.

    The Regice continued, caught up in its celebratory dance. Soon a thick blanket of snow had engulfed the hills, enough for a small snowman army, or a snowball fight.

    They whooped with glee.
     
  18. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Regirock


    The Builder

    It appeared with two large boulders scooped under each arm, placed them on the ground and set to work. With a quiet hum it rapidly sliced at the rocks. When the dust settled, the onlookers saw that they had been impossibly separated into neat cubes.

    It then moved onto arranging them. First the outline was laid down, and then the walls built up, row by row. A roof was erected, and then a window and entrance punched in. Satisfied with its construction, it turned back to the quarry to get the materials for the next house.

    They murmured with gratitude.
     
  19. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Registeel


    The Defender

    The pack opted to announce their attack with aggressive howls that chilled them to the bone, rather than sneak into the community. They poured through the trees.

    The Registeel suddenly ghosted in front to greet them. They paused, uncertain of this challenger, before one leapt forward with a mess of claws and teeth. It merely stood its ground, waited for the attacker to comically clang off its body, and punted it away back past the pack.

    It turned to face the others. The attackers quickly chose to retreat before the mysterious golem decided to give chase.

    They cheered with awe.
     
  20. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Regigigas


    The Master

    It instructed the people to block off the final entrance. When they finished filling the tomb, it summoned up strength to seal it. Mere rocks would not be enough to conceal them.

    It wondered what had gone wrong. Why had it tried to make the winter everlasting? Why had it tried to take back the homes it built? Why had it turned against its friends, against its own creator?

    It slowly lumbered toward the mountains. For the good of its friends, it would retreat into a deep slumber. Hopefully it could dream of the happier times.

    They watched every step.




    ------------------------------------------------


    Both prompts were related to Regice's entry: "Write a holiday fic about a holiday that doesn’t exist. (Bonus points go out to fics that create holidays that in no way resemble Christmas but are still very obviously winter-themed.)", and "How does Regice celebrate the winter season?" With the latter, I felt Regice would have interacted with people in ancient times, and perhaps celebrated the beginning of winter with them.

    But if I did an entry for Regice, I had to do one for the other Regis as well. After a while I recalled that Regigigas created the three, and that going by dex entries for some of them (and backed up by their locations in the games as well), they were 'sealed away by people long ago'. If they got along with people, then naturally something went wrong for them to be sealed, and Regigigas far away in a deep sleep.

    It was a neat thing for me to write some connected drabbles for a change! Hope it turned out well.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2016

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