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Drabble Dex

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by bobandbill, Jun 25, 2015.

  1. Enjolras

    Enjolras Master of the House

    I simply adored these Regi drabbles. The shift in mood between the golems and Regigigas worked to perfection, and I had to read Regigigas's entry a few times to fully register it. Although each was only 100 words, there was a certain depth to the drabbles that kept me satisfied with the story told. Your humorous entries are hilarious, but amazingly, I think I prefer these more serious ones. Looking forward to many more!
     
  2. Let me just say that I would pretty much faint if I were to go to an adoption center full of Mudkip. Like, literally faint at the sight of them. Then wake up to a mud bath from all those cute Mudkip burping mud all over me.

    Thanks for getting to the best evolutionary line in Pokemon ever! They were particularly good with the delivery of the punch lines at the end, especially the Swampert drabble. Kudos also for incorporating the most timeless Pokemon meme of our time into Mudkip's drabble. Really creative way of using it.

    Funnily enough, the Regis are actually some of my least favorite Pokemon, so seeing them after the Mudkip line was pretty weird for me :p But I have to say that they're very well-written, and I especially liked how you tied them together when Regigigas came into the picture. When I read your note in the end, I was even more impressed since you incorporated the Regi myth very smoothly, and it managed to do that with 400 words!

    Just a quick quote though:

    I guess you meant Buneary?

    But yeah, great stuff here. I look forward to seeing how you'll be using connected drabbles in the future! It adds another dimension to this project that I think would really push you creatively. :)
     
  3. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Yay, they came out well! \o/ Not the first time it's been commented that the serious drabbles are the particularly enjoyable ones, which I find interesting. I'll certainly consider taking that direction with other drabbles down the track.

    Cheers for the review!
    Heh, I thought you'd like that setting. =p (It's also not the only idea I've had of a large mass of Mudkip, which was well before, and separate to, this drabble exercise...)
    Excellent. Given you requested them (and are also quite the lover of Mudkip), I was hoping that you'd like them. And I felt that meme was too good/notable to pass up, haha.
    The Regis are also not favourites of mine, in fact! I like their puzzle and their designs (well, Regice's anyway) I am alright with, but never really was a fan of these legendaries and never trained them either. And I dislike Regigigas' fingers. =( But certainly the mystery around them makes them interesting, and something I appreciate more now having written the drabbles for them, which is a neat result imo!
    You guess correctly. Herpaderp on my part.
    I already got a request elsewhere to do some more, so I'll see if I get any ideas for that. I do intend to give it another go sooner or later at any rate! Thanks yet again, DM.
     
  4. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Finneon


    Flight of the Butterflies

    “You said we’d see special butterflies,” he whined. “This is the sea.”

    “And you will see them,” his grandfather. The boy sighed and leaned on the railing.

    “There,” his grandfather said, pointing. He squinted and spotted a neon dot among the waves. And then another, then five, and suddenly a whole colony fluttered out of the water, gliding lazily in the wind across the expanse.

    “Different sort, but...” They gazed as the Finneon’s lights danced with the ocean.

    “Yeah, that was nice,” the boy eventually agreed. A pause followed before he added, “It almost makes up for no ice cream.”
     
  5. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Lumineon


    Night Light

    “Time to sleep, son.”

    “'Night.” His father killed the lights and gently closed the door.

    The child sighed and gazed at the fish tank. It was filled with knick-knacks; seaweed, rocks, and even a sandcastle. While the Lumineon it housed was smaller than most, it still required its spacious home to occupy the entire desk. The fish settled to the bottom and stirred up some sand with its lower fins.

    “Lum, please switch on.” On command the Lumineon fins lit up, casting shadows of the objects nearby onto the room's walls. Satisfied, the boy turned back to his book. “Thanks.”
     
  6. [Imaginative]:[Clockwork]

    [Imaginative]:[Clockwork] X-treme trainer

    I think both rapidash entries are new high points for me. The first one had the ridiculously entertaining image of a rapidash bouncing away in terror, while the second one was... well, pretty heartbreaking, to be honest. Still, I think both of them showed what makes this so entertaining, which is that 100 words is enough to tell a story and get a reaction, whether it's a laugh or a broken heart.

    Speaking of, I enjoyed the fact that the drabbles since my last review have been getting a lot more diverse in terms of storytelling, to the point where some of them seem to be written more to tell a story than a joke. The regis were a good example of this I think. The idea of a twirling, ice skating regice while the townsfolk whoop with glee was certainly a funny image, but the real value for me came with regigigas, when all the fun the trio had with people had run its course. It was honestly a little sad, and I think it was better because you didn't feel the need to add a joke. I think it makes the funny and the more serious ones stronger. The neon fish's quieter, almost sweeter humor also benefited from this.

    My only criticism is that I can't for the life of me figure out who Clair is dressed as. I know it has to be someone obvious, but I just have no idea. :p But otherwise, these were great. Sorry it's been a while since my last review!
     
  7. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    I need to reply to reviews more promptly.
    Woo, someone else who enjoyed the first Rapidash entry! Glad to hear it.

    Yeah, I felt that only for Regice's entry that the humour was required, and even then I hadn't made it a large focus. Bit more practise of the more-serious sort of entries that some wanted from others, haha.

    It's interesting for me to read comments about how other drabbles read after the others as well, like your comment on Lumineon's entry following the Regis.
    Ah yeah. Some recollection of trainer sprites may help, haha. It's not 100% accurate either (can be taken that maybe she dresses more accurately in the drabble too), but here's an image of her posing with who she's dressed as:
    [spoil][​IMG][/spoil] That'll hopefully make the text in the drabble clearer too, although I may need to reconsider it.

    Thanks once again! I had other writing stuff (including FFQ) to tend to of late, but I'll aim for more drabbles within a week to be posted (I intend to keep a buffer going).
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2016
  8. Dragonfree

    Dragonfree Just me

    I'm here for your unforgivably late Quarterly Challenge review!

    "The Entertainer" is quite cute. The Regis aren't Pokémon that you usually imagine as being playful or friendly, so imagining Regice bringing joy and laughter into children's lives every winter by bringing the snow and ice is nicely different and lends this apparently unfeeling legendary a degree of warmth and character. And as a holiday, legendary Pokémon bringing in the seasons just makes sense - so many real-world holidays are about the seasonal cycle, and if you had actual physical creatures who really do control the weather and bring snow and so on, it's inevitable they'd star in rituals and festivities.

    It's even better in context, though - with the three drabbles showing the Regis helping, protecting and entertaining people, followed by Regigigas's lament for how it all went wrong, you create a nice sense of mystery and intrigue. Why did Regice try to make winter everlasting? What happened to the playful creature we saw in its own drabble? I'm a bit sad we'll probably never find out why, but just leaving that gap to the imagination is a good effect. Also, I like the parallel ending lines.

    To get a little nitpicky, I think the wording of "The Entertainer" is probably the weakest of the four. The language isn't terribly vivid or evocative; the cold wind "begins to generate", for instance, which sounds like something out of a scientific report more than something that evokes an image, and the ice rink merely "had formed". I think you'd get nicer imagery out of this if you tried to find stronger, more visual words to use for some of the more generic ways you phrase things. But it's pretty solid as is, particularly together with the other Regi drabbles. Nice work.
     
  9. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    That's alright, better late than not at all! =) Cheers for the review. (And now I really ought to manage time better and work on my own review...)
    I alao thought it was a cute idea for an Regice to be twirling and creating ice rinks, hehe. Glad to see that carried over. And that's a neat comment I feel - now I want to consider how many more festivals would exist for the other legendary Pokemon.
    Also nice to hear - I hoped that the skip or disconnect between the first three and the final entry wouldn't be too great and be a positive influence.
    I wasn't sure at first about ending each drabble the way I did, actually, but it seemed to work out in the end when I re-read and re-worked them. Yay for it working out!
    Fair points there, something I'll need to work on for future drabbles. Maybe I am still too much to-the-point at times... Thanks for that observation!
     
  10. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Flabébé


    Unsolved Mystery

    The young aide frowned at his Pokédex. “Uh... Professor, I have a question.”

    “What is it?”

    “See that Pokémon?” He pointed at the grassy field. A bright blue flower was dutifully dragged across the mess of green by a small, white nymph. It hummed happily.

    “Ah yes, Flabébé. Cute Pokémon.”

    “Yeah. It’s been dragging that flower all morning, and clearly likes plants. And according to this, it gets a ton of Grass type moves! Aromatherapy, Razor Leaf, Solar Beam... So why is it classified only as a Fairy type?”

    The Professor glanced at the Pokédex and scratched his head. “...Huh.”
     
  11. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Floette


    Treasure Hunt

    She sniffed at the flower before eventually shaking her head– not good enough. The search was some hours long already, but she had time to find a proper replacement.

    Dusk was upon the Pokémon before she was finally satisfied. The soft scent was right, and it held rich power. The Floette cuddled the prize before gently removing it from its stem.

    A sharp buzz gave her pause. She quickly dropped the flower and ducked as a large Bug type narrowly missed her head.

    They both eyed the flower.

    She frowned. She wasn’t going to give its prize up that easily.
     
  12. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Florges


    First Day

    He really should have asked for a map of the darn hedge maze before going in. Maybe he’d be able to work out the way back from the sections he had trimmed, but he hadn’t been methodical.

    Then he heard rustling. “W-who’s there?”

    At length a Florges rose from behind a wall and glowered at him.

    “Hey, it’s okay. I’m new, is all...” He thought furiously. “I like plants too! You, uh, look nice with those flowers!”

    It smiled at this remark for a mere moment before its face darkened, right as he realised it noticed his secateurs.

    “No, wait-”
     
  13. [Imaginative]:[Clockwork]

    [Imaginative]:[Clockwork] X-treme trainer

    I like the vague mini-arc you have going with these three. I'm not sure how much of it is by design, but it was neat to see the flabebe line get progressively more confident capable of defending itself (and its flowers) as they evolve. From the dutiful little flabebe to the scrappy floette and finally culminating in the deadly grace of florges. With each drabble, they more protective of their flowers, and it was fun.

    I think flabebe was my favorite, if only because I felt the same way when my flying attacks were normal effectiveness against it. I'm also always down for some semi-incompetent Sycamore (assuming he's the unnamed professor here), so his cavalier attitude here was really amusing. As for floette, the image of her diligently tracking down the perfect flower was cute, and her immediate willingness to fight for it was a nice twist. Florges was entertaining as well, and I enjoyed how the narration sort of implies an interesting story for the gardner even before florges showed up.

    I'd say these three made up a pretty high quality batch! I can't wait for more!
     
  14. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    There was some design to it, heh. I decided to make it and flowers get some sort of mention at least throughout, and thought that it should be more able or 'skilled' with each evolution.
    Yeah, there's a few Pokemon whose typing bemuses me and Flabebe is right up there.
    He would fit, but I both use him and a non-canon professor when writing it, having never really settled on who the professor really was in the drabble.
    Ah yes, the poor gardener, haha. Not his best day.

    Glad you enjoyed them! Thanks once again for the review, IC!
     
  15. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Phantump


    Reminiscence

    Normally he was much more lively than today. But today he felt like thinking quietly, sat next to the other uninhabited tree stumps. Nobody else wanted to use these charred homes.

    He swore that same strange memory had come to it once again. He had been running – not floating, running - with someone, from something… They got separated, and…

    That was as much he could recall.

    But that was impossible, right? He had always been a Phantump, not a human.

    Wait… how did he know that word, ‘human’?

    He sighed. He wished he remembered what it meant, and what happened.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2016
  16. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Trevenant


    DIY

    “Bah, another one.” His Pokémon noticed the skinny obstruction. She rolled her eyes.

    “Look, you know I can’t get around that tree.” A moment passed. “Please?”

    She sighed. She was rapidly losing her motivation. A few slashes and hacks gradually stripped the tree of its scrawny limbs.

    Grraewwaorrrr

    She froze.

    “Hi, mister… angry tree…” Her trainer hurried backwards. “Defeat that monster!” She stared at the towering Trevenant. Its single red eye glared back.

    When its six legs scampered towards her with spiked arms outstretched, she decided. She flew straight up, out of the forest, and ignored her trainer’s protesting wails.
     
  17. AmericanPi

    AmericanPi Write on

    Hello! American--Pi here, and welcome to the Weekly Review! Here's how it works: Once every week I pick a fic to review. I try to alternate between the Fan Fiction and Shipping Fics forums. My reviews are Review Game-style, which means that for Fan Fiction I pick four out of the eleven Review Game criteria and comment on them as much as I want to (but at least two sentences per criterion). Every time I try to pick four different criteria, but usually I just comment on whatever in the story catches my eye.

    This week, I decided to come back to "Drabble Dex", because I adored it the last time I reviewed it (which was, holy crap, October?). You've written quite a few drabbles since then, and I'll review all of the ones you've written since I last reviewed (Horsea to Trevenant). On with the review!

    ---

    Characters
    You characterized your characters pretty well in the short span of your drabbles. The Flabebe line became more and more sure of itself as it grew and evolved. The Phantump and Regigigas are contemplative. The unnamed Pokemon using Cut in the Trevenant drabble is kind of a jerk, but I would also be annoyed if someone asked me to do the same thing again and again within a short span of time.

    I liked your human characters, as well - for example, the boys in the Finneon and Lumineon drabbles are really relatable, because let's face it, we've all acted like them before in our lifetimes.

    Spelling/Grammar
    I noticed that in some of your drabbles, it isn't exactly clear what the pronouns are referring to. It's probably difficult to make pronouns and antecedents clear in just 100 words, so I would suggest removing some descriptive words from the drabbles.

    Here, it isn't always clear whether "they" and "them" refer to the pack of attackers or the community of people. Were the pack's howls chilling themselves to the bone? Granted, I could figure it out with a second reading, but maybe replace some "they"s with "the pack" or "the humans".

    I found this to be quite confusing, and unfortunately this confusion somewhat undermined the emotion of Regigigas's drabble. I wasn't sure what "it" was referring to - I thought "it" was Regigigas until I realized that that wasn't possible. I would fix this as follows:
    As you can see, this replaces all the "it"s with the Pokemon names, which doesn't affect the word count at all.

    The Phantump drabble kept referring to the main character as both "he" and "it", which was pretty confusing. But props to you if that was intentional, because the whole drabble is about a Phantump trying to figure out who and what he (or it) is.

    Enjoyment
    I absolutely adored the Finneon and Lumineon drabbles I requested. The Finneon one painted a lovely picture, and the punchline at the end was hilarious (because everyone can relate to how much of a bummer a no ice cream situation is. I wondered what exactly happened that led to no ice cream, lol). The Lumineon drabble was amusing in a more subtle way, but I mostly loved the sweet interaction between the boy and his Pokemon.

    The Mudkip line drabbles were all pretty amusing in their own ways. I especially like how you incorporated the mudkipz meme into the Mudkip drabble.

    Unfortunately, I didn't notice the theme you had going on with the Flabebe line, but that didn't impact my enjoyment of them. Flabebe's drabble featured a question I'm pretty sure all of us have been asking. Floette's drabble was a really interesting interpretation of a Pokemon's life. And Florges's was just pretty darn amusing.

    Techniques
    I like how you're writing more interconnected drabbles, because it's a nice change of pace and style. The drabbles about the Horsea line were all connected with the same funny gag of spraying water or ink, which I thought was a nice way to unify the three drabbles. It was cool how each could stand on its own, but read as a whole the experience was really nice.

    I also like the tonal shifts you're incorporating. Some of these drabbles are funny, some are warm and friendly, while others are serious and contemplative. I especially loved the drabbles on the Regis, for both the tone and the interconnectedness. I think you structured the Regi drabbles very well. Regice, Regirock, and Registeel's drabbles all had a similar structure, and it was quite fun reading them. I enjoyed reading the cute, heartwarming stories of how each of the three legendary golems interacted with humans and brought good to them.

    Regigigas's drabble hit me in the feels, and I could really feel Regigigas's sadness over what had happened with the three golems. The drabble served as a nice contrast to the previous three, and I like the technique you used to make the four Regi drabbles in general very enjoyable.

    Florges's drabble took a while for me to figure out because I had no idea what secateurs are. Once I inferred and confirmed the meaning of the word I was able to appreciate the drabble - I especially loved the "No wait-" at the end - but I think the drabble could be improved with a different word choice, like "shears".

    ---

    Are you still taking requests? I'd like to request drabbles on more forgotten Pokemon - namely, Patrat and Watchog. This is totally because Scout the Watchog from JX Valentine's Electric Sheep just died in the last chapter, and I'm still a little sad about it. My reviews have gotten generally longer since the last time I reviewed Drabble Dex, and I hope this one was helpful. Keep up the good work!

    Pi
     
  18. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Cheers for the comprehensive review, American--Pi!
    Yes, I have gone for different styles and variety in characterisation since. And I feel we should give some thought to the HM slaves in our parties, haha.
    Especially when we don't get ice cream.

    Hmm, I see. I'll look into it. Admittedly when I read it I think it's clear enough that the pack's howling wouldn't be chilling themselves, but maybe it's only obvious to myself that someone else would be affected by it.
    Hmm, again I will consider a rewording. I will have to respectively disagree with your suggestion however. The reasoning for that is that, in my mind, Regirock and friends aren't named by Regigigas. While the people have names for Pokemon, including the one-off genderless golems, Regigigas hasn't named those Pokemon himself. I suppose that's some headcanon there when I was thinking up that series of drabbles, heh. Meanwhile, I had banked on each 'it' being clear given each action they had taken referred to each other drabble - everlasting winter to Regice with its ice powers, destroying homes when Regirock was building them, and 'The Protector' Registeel becoming the opposite in attacking the people and Regigigas itself. At any rate, I'll mull on that.
    I looked and I indeed had one 'it'. That wasn't intentional sadly, and while you raised an interesting idea I've gone and made it he instead. Herped a derp on my part there!
    Woo! Glad you enjoyed those. =) As said earlier, no ice cream is no good. :V And when I had the idea of a Lumineon night-light I was instantly settled on that idea, even if it's not a strong punchline sort of joke.
    I was determined to make a way to fit in at least a reference to it in the drabble for the heck of it, heh.
    Fair enough. I had hoped that each one would be strong enough to stand on their own as well, which is an interesting balancing act in a way. The tie between each one wasn't exactly strong.
    They've been fun to try out. There'll be more of them as well for sure!
    As said earlier too I'll be intending to maintain variety. Comedic ones will probably still dominate however, that's just my preferred style.
    Woo, nice to hear! I was pretty happy with how they turned out - again, a sort of idea I had that instantly struck with me as something I ought to tackle.
    Huh. I guess it may be just a country thing - here in Australia we never refer to them as 'shears'. That's probably why I'm inclined to stick to secateurs; they're how I know them as, and I feel it'd be better to be consistent with my use of 'Australian English' (which is practically British English anyhow).
    I certainly am! It's been added to the queue. More Pokemon I've never used in the games, yay!

    Thanks again for the review!
     
  19. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Yamask


    Contemplation

    It wasn’t bad being a Pokémon. But the memories of her previous life still stung.

    There were advantages, of course. She carried so much knowledge and life experiences that she could draw upon in this new form.

    But she just couldn’t forget. She couldn’t forget the escape, nor the fire chasing them, nor how they had been split up.

    Only she had made it out. Surviving then proved to be a curse as much as a miracle.

    She gazed at her mask, but she only saw his face in her mind. It would be better if she couldn’t remember everything.
     
  20. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Cofagrigus


    Censored

    Another successful GTS transfer. He grinned.

    Sure, it was lazy. But the professor never said how he should complete the Pokédex. Breeding all those starters was paying off. He typed in the next Pokémon on the list and hit submit.

    WARNING! INDECENT REQUEST! INDECENT REQUEST!

    The trainer clutched at his ears as sirens blared and alarm lights flashed. Police barged into the internet café and hauled him out.

    “What’s going on?!” he cried.

    “We don’t tolerate that kind of language, sir,” one told him coldly.

    “But I just wanted a Cofag-” he started, before soap was thrust into his mouth.
     

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