Draco's Journey: Shadow Masquerade

[Sceptilesolarbeam]

Chapter 1: Fortree City

It was a strange world he had landed in. Far from the barren desert, far from the hot, dry air that could kill the unprotected in seconds. This new world was lush. He could see a dark-green forest in the far distance. This openness…it scared him. Draco wasn’t ready for it. He was used to Orre and everything it was based on. Orre…now Orre was predictable. Every day, the deserts were the same. Phenac City was a comfortable town, with plenty of opportunities for aspiring Pokemon Trainers.

“Everyone knows that Hoenn people are savages!”

That’s what they all told Draco as he left on the boat that took him to such a new land. They thought he was crazy for wanting to leave. But Draco had a fire, a passion for Pokemon battling that Orre just couldn’t satisfy. Had he made the right decision? Can Draco settle into his new home?

Draco looked far into the distance. He could see his precious Dratini jumping in the beach water. Nearby, his Scyther sharpened his blades on the nearby tree.

“Well, here’s my new home,” Draco said quietly. Then he walked towards the forest, ready to begin a new career of Pokemon.

Draco looked upon the wooden town lying in the center of the woods. It was an idyllic place, full of children playing and laughing. There were Pokemon, too. One boy had what Draco recognized as a Zigzagoon. He noticed a Spinarak climbing on one of the trees. A man standing nearby stood up as Draco approached.

“Welcome to Fortree City. I hope you’ll find it satisfactory. If you like, I can show you the location of our Pokemon Center, Pokemon Mart, and Pokemon Gym,” the guide said.

“You have a Gym?” Draco asked. He had heard about the Pokemon League, the institution of gyms on the other continent. The Pokemon League had recently come under fire due to their refusal to admit the PreGym into the League.

“Yes, but you can’t battle unless you have entered into our systems and received some of the previous badges first,” he replied.

“That’s all right. I plan to get to that eventually. Thanks!” Draco shouted as he walked towards the town. He entered the Pokemon Center, where he prepared to go to sleep after the long voyage. In the morning, he would be ready to enter the Pokemon League.

As Draco lay down in the guest room and watched TV, he saw a special battle segment come on. The two trainers were competing for some kind of regional championship. A black Pokemon with blades on its arms faced off against some kind of giant sleeping bear.

The trainer of the black Pokemon yelled, “Sneasel, use your Ice Beam attack!” A blue beam struck the sleeping Pokemon directly in the face.

“Shrug it off and use Hyper Beam, Snorlax!” the other trainer proclaimed. Snorlax fired an orange beam at the Sneasel. Sneasel was knocked backwards, and slammed into the wall. The name “Valkyn” appeared in large letters on the screen as the winning trainer celebrated. Draco turned off the TV and the lights. He went to sleep.

In the morning, Draco walked towards the computer on the counter. He navigated it to the point where he could register for the League. Inserting the PokeBalls, pictures of his Pokemon flashed on the screen. Scyther’s and Dratini’s images shined as Draco’s name was registered as a trainer. He feels like someone is watching him. Looking behind him, he sees a trainer leaning on the wall behind him, watching him enter his data. The trainer looks vaguely familiar somehow, but Draco can’t decide exactly what.

“Hey! You up for a Pokemon battle?” the new trainer asked Draco.

“I’m no pushover, you know,” Draco challenged. The other trainer just smiled as they walked outside. The challenger sent out a Pidgeot. Draco used his Dratini.

Boss Battle Music: Rival Battle (Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories)
http://www.kh2.co.uk/assets/com/midi/Rival Battle.mid

The challenger commanded his Pidgeot, “Use your Agility!” Pidgeot glowed and began to flap its wings at a faster pace.

“Use Thunderbolt!” Draco shouted. A bolt of electricity fired at Pidgeot. It flinched but managed to stay conscious.

“Use your Baton Pass, Pidgeot!” said the challenger. Pidgeot vanished inside the PokeBall, replacing itself with the Pokemon Draco had seen on TV.

“Oh! Now I know you! You’re Valkyn! I saw you on TV,” Draco said by way of explanation.

“So, you recognize me. That’s good to know. I thought my reputation was wasted,” Valkyn taunted.

“I’m not scared of you. Dratini, use Dive!” Dratini dove into a nearby pond. The murky waters obscured his location.

Valkyn looked scornful. “Is that all? Snorlax, Belly Drum!” Snorlax hit itself on the belly very hard. It looked damaged, but at maximum strength. Dratini slammed Snorlax, but Draini looked shaken. The attack barely hurt Snorlax.

“Yawn. Snorlax, Rest,” Valkyn commanded to his Pokemon. Snorlax began to loudly snore.

“Return, Dratini. Go, Scyther!” Draco said, switching his favorite Pokemon for the green swordsman.

“Ah, a Scyther. I’ve always been a fan of Scythers myself. Unfortunately for him, that won’t save him from Snore!” Valkyn said. Snorlax snored very loudly, creating sonic vibrations that hit Scyther hard.

Draco frowned. “Scyther, prepare yourself with Swords Dance.” Scyther glowed as it increased its attack.

Valkyn grinned in response. “Battles like this are practically infectious, don’t you think? I’m always for a good battle. Snorlax, use Snore again.” Snorlax repeated the attack. After the attack, Snorlax yawned and slowly stood up, having awakened.

“Scyther, strike quickly! Slash attack!” Scyther struck quickly with a powerful downwards slashed. The attack struck Snorlax unusually hard. Snorlax collapsed.

“Not so invincible now, are you, Mister Regional Champion?” Draco said.

“You have yet to see my better Pokemon. But you will”, Valkyn said.

 

[Bigbrother87]

Ooh, theme music. No spelling mistakes jumped out at me, and you've got one of my favorite pokemon already. Great job.

You could flesh it out a little more, like you said he could see his pokemon playing near the trees, but then you don't mention that he ever returned them to their pokeballs. A minor thing I know, but I did notice it.

Please continue this, and maybe the next chapter could be a little longer?

 

[NoDayBut2Day]

Pretty cool so far, surprisingly haven't seen Dratini in many fics so cool to see it. Nice length and description was decent. The battle was cool and surprised to see aScyther take out a Snorlax. Nice little shock for me. Ill def keep reading! Keep it up!

-Danny

 

[Sceptilesolarbeam]

Onwards the journey..

Chapter 2: Valkyn's Ace

“Let’s see…Back to Pidgeot,” Valkyn said as he sent out the Bird Pokemon from earlier.

“Unleash another Slash!” Draco yelled. Scyther performed a jumping blade slash. Pidgeot flapped its wings once and collapsed.

“A necessary sacrifice. Time for my Gyarados!” Valkyn shouted. A blue dragon emerged from the PokeBall.

“Another Slash!” Draco ordered. Once again, Scyther brought down his blades-arms in a powerful swipe. This time, however, Gyarados appeared unhurt.

Valkyn smirked. “A nice try, but Gyarados won’t be brought down so easily. Fire Blast!” Gyarados produced a massive burst of flames, searing Draco’s Bug-Type Pokemon.

“You’ll be avenged! Dratini, come on out!” Draco sent out his favorite Pokemon once again.

“Dragon Claw!” Gyarados delivered a powerful slash at Dratini, who appeared to have been hurt badly.

“Thunderbolt!” Dratini electrocuted Gyarados like a fish out of water, charring it badly with electrical energy. Gyarados collapsed.

“I have one more trick up my sleeve, and it’s known as…Regirock!” Valkyn said as he sent out a powerful Legendary Pokemon.

“W-what?! How…?” Draco said in awe.

Valkyn smiled again, but this time, a cold smile. “Years of hunting. My work as a Trainer boils down to my ultimate Pokemon. But you aren’t worthy to see Regirock. Regirock, end this with Superpower!” Regirock fired an immense ball of energy, striking Dratini hard and knocking it out.

“See you around, Draco”, Valkyn said as he walked off.

“Well, that was unusual. But wait…How did he learn my name? I never told it to him, and he wasn’t close enough to see it on the screen…Oh well,” Draco thought to himself as he returned to the Pokemon Center.

Meanwhile, far away, Valkyn spoke to a small gathering of people. Although he couldn’t see their faces, he knew that who they were wasn’t important.

“Just so long as I get my cash…” Valkyn repeated to himself mentally.

The figure at the head spoke first. “Excellent. You have done well. Now nothing can stop me.”

“One more thing. I met a trainer on my way here. His name’s Draco, and he seems fairly promising. Pokemon team: Dratini and Scyther”, Valkyn said.

The shadowy figure frowned. “Why do I need to know this? Are you suggesting he join us?”

“No, I don’t think you could use his particular temperament. He’s a little too emotional for your tastes. Very talented, though. I’m a little wary of him. I checked his background and it’s fairly mediocre. Born and raised in Orre, ranked average at the PreGym, moved here upon passing the Gym’s final exams. Still…” Valkyn hesitated.

“Still what? Cut the suspense. I’m not naturally a patient person, Valkyn”, the leader said.

“…I don’t know…Anyway, about my pay?”

After taking a long boat ride, Draco has finally arrived in his second Hoenn city. It isn’t an impressive place, but very calm and tranquil. Petalburg doesn’t really count as a city. It’s very small, and most of the residents are involved with either the Pokemon Center, the Pokemon Mart, or the Gym. The Gym has acquired a particularly tough reputation, though. The Gym Leader, Norman, is famous for the number of trainers he stopped from advancing any further. In fact, the majority of trainers never get past the first Gym.

All these thoughts are running through Draco’s head as he nears the Pokemon Gym. He has heard all the stories, of course, but he isn’t too worried. He knows he can do it if he tries.

Draco strides through the wide double doors of the arena. “My name is Draco, Pokemon Trainer, and I’ve come to challenge the Leader here to a match”, Draco shouted. The words echoed in the chamber. A man walked up to face Draco.

“I am Norman. Let me just see your Trainer’s Card and we’ll get down to business”, he said.

Some number of formalities later, and Draco and Norman were facing each other across the small but functional room that served as an arena. A teacher and her class sat on the benches, watching the battle.

Norman pointed to the class. “Sorry for the guests, but they always watch the matches. I believe Gym battles to be a learning experience for all involved.”

“This match will be a 2 on 2 Double Battle! Switching is not allowed for either combatant. The 1st trainer to have knocked out all of his opponent’s Pokemon is declared with winner unless all his Pokemon are knocked out at the same time. Now, let the match start!” The teacher blew a whistle, and Norman and Draco prepared the PokeBalls.

Norman sent his Pokemon first. “Slaking and Vigoroth, my friends, show him what we’ve got!” Two ape-like Pokemon appeared on his side of the battlefield.

“Dratini and Scyther, you too!” said Draco.

“Scyther, use your Swords Dance attack! Dratini, attack Vigoroth with your Dragon Claw!” Scyther raised its attack power as Dratini slashed Vigoroth with a large, floating claw. Vigoroth stumbled but was back in action quickly.

“Vigoroth, return the favor and attack Dratini with a Slash attack. Slaking, attack Scyther with Façade!” Norman yelled. Vigoroth slashed Dratini hard. Slaking also slammed into Scyther. Draco’s Pokemon were hurt, but managed to continue the fight.

“Scyther, attack Slaking with your Fury Cutter! Dratini, use Dragon Claw on Vigoroth again!” Dratini once more slashed at Vigoroth with a large claw of energy. Scyther leaped forward and cut Slaking at incredible speed. Slaking seemed fine, but Vigoroth fell over from the claw attacks.

“No worries. Slaking, just hang tight for now”, Norman said. His Slaking would have anyway, being a lazy Pokemon unable to attack in a row.

“Scyther, Fury Cutter once again. Dratini, use Dive.” Water appeared on the arena immediately, and Dratini dove into it. Scyther repeated the high-speed slash, with more force this time.

“Slaking, we know you can beat these two! Hit Scyther hard with Hyper Beam!” Slaking fired a brown beam of powerful energy. Scyther couldn’t resist the attack, and was knocked unconscious.

“Hit Slaking with two more Dragon Claws!” Draco said to his Pokemon. Dratini obeyed, taking advantage of Slaking’s temporary weakness. Slaking collapsed from the two powerful blows.

Norman nodded sadly. “You have indeed defeated me fairly. As a result, you have received the Balance Badge. Use it well, Draco.” Norman returned to the dojo to train his Pokemon.

After Draco left the Gym, he pumped his fist in the air in excitement. “My first step to the Pokemon League!”

From the shadows, he was being watched. Valkyn and another figure in similar uniform argued in the safety of the woods.

“I told you he was trouble! See how easily he defeated that Gym Leader?” Valkyn shouted in outrage. Draco turned towards the disturbance, but he hadn’t heard the exact words. He shrugged and moved on.

In a quiet voice, the other man responded, “A mere fluke. We’ll have to see something more out of the ordinary than that. Perhaps the leader should be questioning your impartiality. Seems like you overrate him because he defeated most of your precious Pokemon.”

Valkyn suddenly turned cold. “You know nothing of me, fool”, he hissed. “When I say someone is trouble, you had better believe me. This kid isn’t just some punk. Naturally, he didn’t have a chance against Regirock, and I didn’t even need to show him the rest of my team. It would have attracted undue attention to me anyway, and I don’t need that right now. Just watch your tongue next time.” Valkyn stormed out of the clearing. The older man watched his departure, clucking his tongue at the folly of the young.

 

[Sceptilesolarbeam]

Wow. While I didn't exactly expect MASSIVE feedback, this is kind of sad. Come on, people! Read it and tell me it sucks, at least. 2 is not enough!
On a completely unrelated note, I hate the inactivity thing on this site. I've been a member for at least a YEAR, but I keep getting kicked out for inactivity. Bah.

 

[Sceptilesolarbeam]

I would like more responses! Bump.

 

[Sceptilesolarbeam]

Chapter 3: Revelations at Rustburo

Draco looked on the road to Rustburo City. Still elated from his victory the day before, he didn’t worry about the Gym Leader there. Draco knew the road was long, but in the far distance, he could barely make out the spire of Devon Corp. and the lights around the city during the night. Rustburo would be his first major city he had ever seen. Petalburg was tiny, and nothing in Orre really counted. Draco had heard Pyrite Town was large, but he had never had time to go there, at least, not for any noticeable length of time.

Draco stepped on to the path toward the lights in the distance. In a bit of a philosophical mood, he inwardly noted how similar this was to the life of a Pokemon Trainer.

“But enough philosophizing. Time to move.” Draco thought.

About halfway towards Rustburo City, Draco was walking in some tall grass when he thought he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. He whipped around suddenly, hoping to catch his shadow by surprise. But he was the one to be surprised, as when he looked, he saw a green Pokemon. He recognized as a Ralts, from one of the trainers at the PreGym.

“Well, I can always use a new Pokemon. Besides, I heard they were hard to find. Dratini, come on out!” Draco said as he released Dratini. Ralts concentrated, shooting Dratini with a ray of psychic energy.

Draco wasn’t fazed. “Dratini, use Thunder Wave.” Dratini zapped Ralts with electrical energy, impeding its ability to move.

“Now, follow through with Thunderbolt!” Dratini shot Ralts with greater electrical energy, this time causing damage. Ralts fired another ray of psychic energy. The ray seemed to confuse Dratini. Dratini would be dizzy and might cause damage to itself if it attacked.

“No matter. Dratini, Thunderbolt once again,” Draco said. Unfortunately, the thunderbolt lanced into the air and then fell back down on Dratini. Dratini was then blasted by the Psybeam, falling into unconsciousness.

“So be it. Time to use Scyther!” Draco yelled as he released his Pokemon from the Pokeball.

Draco commanded his Pokemon, “Use Slash now!” Scyther did just that, slashing the Wild Pokemon. Ralts spun around in a tight arc, forming a whirlwind of dust. The twister slammed into Scyther, damaging it, but not severely. Draco tossed a Great Ball from his pocket at Ralts. The ball shook but glowed red, signifying a successful catch.

Satisfied, Draco continued on the path. It took him through the night, but, in very early morning, Draco reached the Pokemon Center of Rustburo City. He looked at the doors for a short while and then walked into the Trainer rooms.

Once more, Draco was being followed as he entered the Center. But not by a Pokemon. Valkyn stepped away from the wall he was hiding behind as he watched Draco close the door to his room. Valkyn pulled out a small cell phone.

“The target has arrived at Rustburo City,” Valkyn said.

“That’s all very nice, but let me sleep for now. I don’t believe in this…intuition you have, and I’d rather not lose sleep over it. Now go to bed.” Whoever was on the other end of the phone hung up. Valkyn checked into another room, awaiting the next day, just as Draco was.

Draco yawned as he opened the curtains. Light streamed into the room, jarring him out of his deep sleep. He had slept into the late afternoon.

“Hmm. Not enough time to do my Gym Battle, unfortunately. I’ll have to wait until tomorrow. In the mean time, let’s go see what the city is like,” Draco said out loud. Draco walked out of the Pokemon Center. Taking care to appear inconspicuous, Valkyn followed a few minutes behind him. Draco walked towards the town center.

Hours later, Draco emerged from the city on to a hill nearby. It was night. Behind him, Valkyn sweated as he struggled to keep up.

“This guy is nuts! He…won’t…stop…walking! I need a break…” Valkyn thought to himself as he climbed silently up the hill.

“What a chump. I’ve known this guy’s been following me for hours now. I wish I knew who this guy was, and who asked him to tail me, though.” Draco smiled as he reached the top.

A hooded figure stood there silently, watching Draco.

“H-hey, who are you? Move it!” Draco said as he tried to push past the mysterious stranger.

The stranger stood absolutely still. In a cold voice, he said, “I expected you to be more imposing somehow. You aren’t a threat to me. Still, you’re meddling in our business. You must be disciplined.”

“Huh? What are you talking about?” Draco began to slowly walk backwards, away from the figure. He bumped into something hard behind him. He turned around, but there was nothing to halt his movements. And yet, he couldn’t go any further.

Boss Battle Music: Shrouding Dark Cloud (Kingdom Hearts)

http://www.vgmusic.com/music/console/sony/ps2/Shroudingdarkcloud.mid

“You aren’t going to be allowed to leave that easily, Draco. First, I’ll test your skills. Arbok and Vigoroth, come out now!” said the hooded figure.

Draco grimaced. “Today was supposed to be relaxing for me. You’re messing up my day! Dratini and Ralts!” Draco sent out his new Pokemon.

“Arbok, use your Toxic attack on Vigoroth! Vigoroth, use Façade on Dratini!” Arbok poisoned Vigoroth and, as part of the cunning strategy, Vigoroth used Façade and its Guts Ability strengthened the attack. This was going to be tough.

 

[Sceptilesolarbeam]

I hate you all. GIVE ME YOUR RESPONSES.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Hey, hey, calm down! A severe lack of reviews is natural unless you're one of the 'big names'. Perhaps you could try a different approach? Cause in my opinion, consistently expecting/demanding reviews and announcing to potential reviewers that you hate them all probably ain't the greatest way to foster sympathy. As I recall, there's a reviewer thread in the Author's Cafe that you could check out to find people willing to review. If you know (or know of) someone who you'd like to review your story, you could try sending them a request via PM - but be sure to do it politely and gently since most reviewers have a LOT on their plates already. And if people have already reviewed your story, you might try sending them PMs alerting them to new updates (though don't EXPECT a response - reviewers review when they have time/feel like it).

As for the content of your story, you're going pretty strong. Your continuity appears sturdy, your pace, though fast, is not enormously so and there's elements of character depth poking through. Oh, and your grasp of the technical elements of writing seems pretty steely - quite a feat considering the length of these chapters (that's not to say you can't make your chapters longer. If you want to - go right ahead!). These are all REALLY important things to get down quickly, so my congratulations on pulling them all off in three chapters!

Actually, I think one of the few things that's annoying me about this story is how centred on Draco the whole thing is. I think the difference is that to some degree, you're writing a story ABOUT him, not OF him. The distinction is that with the first one, the limelight is on Draco both in the reader's eyes AND in the story itself. Yes, the point of a main character is that the reader follows them through the story. But common sense starts to waver when other characters start to centre themselves around the main character.

Basically, Draco seems a little TOO special. He's got Valkyn (a supposedly powerful trainer?) following him/interested in him, he stands out amongst his own people for being something of a radical thinker, he stands out amongst the 'regular' people of Hoenn in that he doesn't even associate with them but seems to gravitate to the 'important people' and he's got 'special' pokemon. Ralts, Scyther and Dratini are all considered rare and valuable - and those pokemon are appearing as little more than trophies to his name.

Eh, I found the capture of Ralts one of the most moving sections of the story - but it was with sympathy for that poor little Ralts! The whole Ralts line is sort of centred on emotion - specifically the emotion of their trainers. And when Draco came across the li'l Ralts, all he had to say about it was "Well, I can always use a new Pokemon. Besides, I heard they were hard to find.". Sounds very much like a disinterested and unemotional person chancing upon a very sensitive pokemon and catching it for its rarity. And the end of the battle only added to that impression. "Satisfied, Draco continued on the path" - it just seems so... calm. Yah, Draco might be used to defeating and capturing pokemon, but I'm guessing the Ralts isn't used to being captured. And Draco's showing an extraordinary lack of empathy towards ANY of his pokemon.

Hmm. There's a key point - so far, you've done quite a decent job of showing your human characters' personalities (though perhaps a little more description of their mannerisms and feelings would help?) but comparatively little time has been spent on the pokemon characters. How do Scyther and Dratini feel about each other and Draco? How will they feel about the new addition to their team? And how will Ralts feel about the all three and about life as a trained pokemon? Oh, and will Ralts obey Draco in the next battle? And what will it base that choice on? Sorry to overload with the questions - these don't (and possibly shouldn't?) be answered right away, but they're points to consider that your readers might be interested in eventually knowing the answers to.

As for the battles, they seem quite realistic, if somewhat adhered to the games. Feel free to branch out a bit and use a touch of creative license when you plan these battles. Oh, and a little more description of how the pokemon perform their attacks and how they look while doing so be nice! Nevertheless, you've already shown a flair for tricky strategies. Like the Arbok/Vigoroth combo - that was REALLY crafty! (Though perhaps Arbok might have chosen a poison attack less agressive that Toxic? Toxic increases in effect each turn.. wouldn't a simple Poison Sting have been smarter?). Still... slick work!

Hmm... what's with Valkyn? Wouldn't a really tough trainer be physically fit? If Valkyn was strong enough to train his team to capture a Regirock, surely he'd be strong enough to follow a kid up a mountain? And surely he'd also be smart enough to keep said kid from noticing him? On the one hand, you've make Valkyn quite powerful, but you seem to be making him less so in comparison to Draco. The contradictions are a little confusing.

Eh, the overall atmosphere I'm detecting is one of insanely powerful trainers strutting their stuff in front of each other. While that's doing a lot to make Draco seem strong, I think it might be detracting from his development as a character. Perhaps let down the 'image' a bit more and let the characters see more of his emotional range? Even just time out interacting with their pokemon can provide an opportunity to reveal a trainer's thoughts and personality along with that of their pokemon.

Whoah. That review was very long. And considerably critical. Well, that's a compliment. I try not to overload people with criticism I don't think they can handle - and I think you can handle this. You've shown a strong grasp of the basics - now it's time for nitpicking and refinement. So here you have a huge load of nitpicking that will hopefully keep you going for a while. And don't worry about the lack of reviews. It's hurtful and annoying, but it happens. Lots of people have complained before but the advice is generally the same - try the reviewer thread, mebbe try putting a banner in your sig, advertise your story in the 'Happy fun get the word out thread' and the 'Fanfiction Commercials Thread' and ask people to review. Oh, and be as friendly and polite to other forum users as possible. If people like you, you chances of getting reviews will probably go up. ^^

So do put this start to good use - you've a fair amount of skill and potential and it would be sad to see that go to waste. Best of luck and fun to you! And if you want anything in this review expanded upon or explained or if you want anything else in your story commented on or critiqued, let me know!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Sceptilesolarbeam]

Oh, thanks! I will fix some of Draco's personality in the future. I intend to write my next chapter in the near future.

 

[Sceptilesolarbeam]

This shouldn't take too much longer. And I know somewhere there is a person who is eagerly awaiting my next chapter. He's just...hiding. Yeah. That's it. He's hiding!

 

[Deathborn_606]

Just found this and enjoyed the last chapter. I love stories with attack combos {Toxic-Facade} is a favourite of mine. But don't you have to beat 4 gyms to battle Norman. Overall very good and there's no need to post about people not reviewing this cause I'll review every single chapter. And VIgoroth has vital spirit not guts.

 

[Mawile XD]

Great story! I'll say more later, but Ralts was treated as a mere object, not a living, breathing pokemon. It might not like Draco because of that.