Drift (PG-13)

[GDE]

Drift With Me
Prologue​

I gently hovered above the lush trees of the Eterna forest. My blue figure stood out among all of the greenery. A strange gray cloud seemed to constantly float over me, following me wherever I went, and though I didn’t know why it was there, I didn’t care. If it’s not an enemy, it’s a friend. That’s my motto, and it seemed to be true most of the time. There was also a white “X” shaped bandage between my bright aquamarine eyes. I did not know why I had a bandage there, but I could not take it off, and even if I could I wouldn’t want to. The only thing a bandage can do is cover up something bad, so therefore I think it should stay there. A strong gust of wind suddenly came towards me. I felt a rush as it carried me away, my four white-tipped tails followed close behind me as I was carried over the forest.
Suddenly my movement stopped. It appeared that I was stuck between the branches of a tall tree. I wriggled around, trying to use my tails to push myself out of this predicament. It was all pointless, I wasn’t getting anywhere, and I knew that I would just have to wait for another gust of wind to free me from this plant trap. Much time passed as I lay ensnared by the tree branches. As I looked around, I saw the brilliant sunset. I watched as the Sun sank below the distant Mt. Coronet. The mountain glistened as the final beams of sunlight reflected off of the snow covered peak.
Tonight was the night of a full moon. Full moons here on Sinnoh were almost as bright as the sun. The silence of the forest was broken by the howls of wild mightyenas. Their howls startled me, as the mightyenas were usually not very plentiful at this time of the year. I must say, I was a bit jealous of other Pokémon, they could freely move around, where I am controlled by the wind. Occasional I can grab onto a tree or a pole with one of my tails, but aside from that I have no control over my path. However, we drifblims learned how to deal with our limited control.
As ghosts, we were able to transfer our souls into other individuals. Our plan would be to trick the young humans of Sinnoh into thinking that we were balloons. When they grabbed onto one of our tails, we would immediately initiate a soul transfer, and then we would use our new bodies to carry our currently lifeless balloon bodies to another place, and then we would switch our souls back. Unfortunately, obtaining human hosts has been hard lately. Many of the older humans in Sinnoh have been warning their offspring about us. We are feared now, I do not understand why, we were not hurting the children, just using them as a mean of transport. The sun began to rise again, and I was still stuck in this tree. Finally, as the sun passed over my head, an incredible burst of wind coming from the east pushed me out of the tree. After that incident I decided that the tree that trapped me would be added to my list of enemies. One thought passed through my mind as I floated away from the forest, Damn trees…​

I'm just starting for now, i hope you enjoy it.... the chapters will have more length to them when I add them
It's only PG-13 because the later chapters will have more language, and there will probably be many bloody scenes that might not be appropriate for younger audiences.

 

[Breezy]

Why is everything centered now? It's actually distracting and makes its harder to read, and there seems to be no purpose to it.

To be blunt, everything is awfully awkward, mostly because you're trying to get out description. I mean, I will give you credit; you do know about the "show, not tell" rule of thumb but it doesn't necessarily work for first person narrative - rather, you have to go about it in another way so it doesn't sound so blunt and weird. Let's dissect some of this:

I gently hovered above the lush trees of the Eterna forest. My blue figure stood out among all of the greenery.

No one really thinks like this not unless you were asked. It's like saying "I walked across the red carpet of my house. My blue clothes stood out among the white walls." Obviously, I would know what color my carpet is if it was my house, so I probably wouldn't include it, nor would I really describe my clothing not unless I were to observe them. It's obvious to your character that it looks a certain way, so it comes out awkward when your character explains how it looks like with seemingly no purpose other than for you, the author, to describe it.

In some cases, straight out telling what your character is okay, especially if the description is strange, or strange to the character. This, for example:

A strange gray cloud seemed to constantly float over me, following me wherever I went, and though I didn’t know why it was there, I didn’t care. If it’s not an enemy, it’s a friend. That’s my motto, and it seemed to be true most of the time.

I had no problem with considering it is odd to your character and was worth noting.

There was also a white “X” shaped bandage between my bright aquamarine eyes.

This is ... a mixture of the two above quotes. The white bandage is probably an odd feature to your main character but it saying what its eye color was is just awkward and off-putting.

Really, it's all the innate detail, like color, texture, etc, that makes things seem odd. Again, this is because a person wouldn't really describe/care about small details like that not unless it was making a point to observe and detail. I mean, would you think like that? Would you say there was a scratch between your bright, aquamarine eyes? I doubt it.

I mean, even with this attempt at embedding description, your actual, necessary detail seems forced, listed, and emotionless:

Suddenly my movement stopped. It appeared that I was stuck between the branches of a tall tree. I wriggled around, trying to use my tails to push myself out of this predicament. It was all pointless, I wasn’t getting anywhere, and I knew that I would just have to wait for another gust of wind to free me from this plant trap.

Basically--while getting rid of all the fancy wording and detail--this is your formatting:

Suddenly, this happened. There was a reason for this happening. I did that because of this. That wasn't doing anything, and I hoped for something else to happen instead.

Just one point to the next without much character interpretation of the events taking place. I mean, eff, man. You would think SOMETHING if you got stuck in a tree. My head is actually racing with different ways I could put personality into this. I mean, it's kind of just ... odd that the only little bit of actual emotion is this:

One thought passed through my mind as I floated away from the forest, Damn trees…

And this was it's only thought? Come now. You're always thinking, you always personally interpret things even if you don't realize it - you're not always describing in your head like what you're trying to do here.

The plot itself is good; I like how you found a fault (well, the pokedex entry lol) in the drifblim line and thought of way of how these drifblim get around. I can't comment much as it is the prologue and the prologue doesn't seem to lead anywhere, but the plot itself has promise. The character, too, could have a quirky, perhaps sardonic, personality considering how it seems to get stuck everywhere and how humans don't trust it anymore, but you really, really need to work on getting your character's personality out. Prologue or not, your character doesn't stop having a personality because of what chapter you're on ... or whatever.

Ideally, what you want to work on is switching your focus from awkward description to emotional context. The little details aren't necessary; your readers probably won't care and neither would your character for that matter, but what it is thinking is what makes first person so different from third person. What you have here is a great basis for the events taking place; however you should BUILD on it emotionally so we get a feel for your character. Play around with language. Get inside your character's head and REALLY explain what he sees and not just what is happening -- if that makes sense.

I'll give examples later if you ask, but I think it's pretty straightforward. If not, I'll be happy to explain more thoroughly.

 

[GDE]

finally someone commented <.<
now that I have read your comment I shall rewrite chapter one to put more personality in it, I'll aim for having it done by................................. let's say Sunday