Now that's the sorta feedback I'm talking bout!
Thanks, Sidewinder. You rock!That sentence felt weird to me. Especially the 'he' and 'she' portion. I'm not sure how to explain other than it seemed somewhat impersonal and it didn't really flow well. It's odd, I can see why it didn't work in my mind, but its difficult for me to type up. Hmm, weird. Take from that what you will.
Hm, I see what you mean. That's some cliche writing going on, anyway - not particularly coming from any personal need to write it that way.
Too many commas in my opinion. Try running the different thoughts together at least once to cut down on the breaks. When you come across moments where commas are required, trying reading the passage out loud and pay attention to the pauses as it can really shed light where you should take a break and when you shouldn't. You dig?
Thanks for bringing this up, I've begun to notice sentence structure is a bit of a recurring problem for me anyway. That actually really helps, a lot.
I feel like it would read better if you put, 'Logan's heart was beating so fast that it felt like it would leap right out of her chest.'
Your version sounds odd to me for some reason
Hm, yeah...dunno what I was thinking when I first wrote that.
I was able to picture that quite clearly and you displayed the situation quite wonderfully. Nicely done
That's the kind of description I want to see. Very nicely done. Excellent wordplay and great visuals. Kudos!
I liked that bit as well. I liked how you tied his sweat into the emotional feelings. Tis a very hard thing to do and can come off very weird if not done correctly but you did an awesome job. When you think of fear, or concern, or anger, there are physical symptoms that go along with those physical states. I'm glad you paid attention to that
This is where it helps me to be involved in theatre while writing dialogue/actions - I try to picture the characters living the scenario. I'm glad it worked for you
That seems almost unbelievable. Really, grabbed a tablecloth before leaving? He doesn't seem eccentric enough for that to work. Actually, he seems so level headed that it doesn't seem likely that that's something he would grab before he left. It's one thing if he picks one up along the way, but to make that something he actively sought to grab just felt a little odd to me
What an interesting and dead-on observation about Tracey. I had to go back and reference some of my old writing for this flashback - this one actually takes place right before a scene that is part of "Destined", and therefore is influenced by my older perceptions of characters. My original conception for Tracey back in "One of Many (my first story, of which he was the lead) was actually a lot more similar to Alec - he ran away from home, and a lot of the stuff he took with him was nicked from his parents. So technically, Tracey would have stolen the tablecloth - this is an inconsistency with how the characters developed. I'm really glad you picked up on that, though.
That bothered me a little bit. If you're making eggs (or anything really), unless you add an ingredient to combat certain parts of it, it doesn't change the amount of cholesterol. It doesn't matter if he's making them Sunny or Scrambled, the amount of cholesterol stays the same
Wow, my bad. This was a wording error - what was meant by that sentence was, Preston was making eggs for everyone, except himself. Hahaha I don't think there's some secret art to cooking eggs without cholesterol! Geez, major screw-up on my part. My apologies.
Aww, that was sweet. I liked that. Very genuine and believable
I'm really glad you liked that. I was trying to find a sort of 'key phrase' to characterize Logan's perceptions of situations, and I honed in on this idea that for her, everything wraps up nice and neat, and people stay together 'forever and always.' This causes some delusion on her part, but it's also a very sweet sentiment I think. I really like writing for Logan. Which is funny because when Tracey was around, Logan really tended to be a drag to write about.
If I recall, that's not part of the games or the anime. I'm excited for you to take this because you have a chance for pure creation there. Which could end up being a lot of fun if you do it the right way. I love it when writers take an established region and add in little twists. I'll be watching the evolution of this. Stoked
Yeah, this is completely new. The geography of Johto is something that I've always had kind of figured out in my head, based off the in-game map but extending geographically beyond the set barriers in-game. You can go surfing to the right of the lighthouse in the game, but the standard 'map limitation' rocks block you from going much further. I picture the shore extending into a vast mountainscape, which leads up Northeast to Ecruteak. You'll see in the next chapter, which will be posted very soon!