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earth, flame and water.

P

pisces_beedrill

Guest
[BANNER]http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c76/pisces_magic/EARTHFLAMEANDWATER.jpg[/BANNER]
Chapter one.
Run was brushing her golden-brown hair in the bathroom. She was average height for a twelve year old and as her brown eyes lingered on her hair brushes movement over a stray hair before slipping on her bathrobe, which was white, she opened the door and went through the hallway, to her bedroom and opened the door and closed it behind her.

She kept her hair brush on her ebony table and removed her bathrobe. She slowly applied cream before putting on her white dress.

Her white dress was amazing! It had jewels along the frills and stopped right after her nobly knees, revealing her gorgeous legs which she slipped into white diamond studded high heels. She put on her gloves which were white and her diamond tiara. She then tied her hair into two ponytails, one on either side of her head.

She then left her bedroom and slowly walked down the stairs for dinner. She was tired of her life. Parties everyday, only on her birthday did she let down her hair. No one can remember any other time her hair wasn’t in ponytails.



***

Arma came in through the door cursing in a loud voice.

“Where have you been!?” her mother yelled. Arma didn’t answer. Her mum’s face was red with anger.

“Out,” she muttered. She was sinking under her mothers gaze. She was twelve, and she was taller than her mum, but it didn’t look that way when her mother was in a rage.

“How dare you! Why did you not tell us where you were going or when?” her mum yelled even louder. There was a loud noise as a bat changed into a human. It was her dad. He was tired but angry.

“Where have you been?” he yelled. His face was purple with rage and veins were popping out everywhere on his head. Arma shrank under their gaze. They were angry, very angry.

“I am sorry,” Arma muttered and burst into tears. She then ran to her room. Her mum and dad followed her. They entered her messy, filthy bedroom and sat on her bed which was covered in magazines.

“What happened?” they asked softly.

“Mosag dumped me,” Arma sobbed. Mosag was her nasty boyfriend.

“You can do better than him, he doesn’t deserve you dear,” her mum murmured.

“The worst part is he never liked me, he just wanted me in bed!” she burst into a fresh flow of tears. She looked in the mirror. She had short black hair and pale skin. Her eyes were silver-blue and her lips were rose-red. She had three earrings in each ear and two nipple rings, one on her nose and one belly button piercing. Her nails were bitten.

“Change for dinner dear,” her dad said as he left the room.



***

Raviola lay in bed with her hair sprawled out everywhere. Her red eyes shone brightly. She was exited. She got up from bed and went to shower. She walked past her ivory table and past her ruby. It hung over her mirror. Her eyes lingered on it and then went down to the mirror. She looked at her reflection. She knew her calves were a bit large and she was a trifle to thin for the age of twelve but she was pretty, and she knew it which made her a bit vain, but she wasn’t snobby.

She continued past her large variety of books before arriving at her bathroom. She entered it slowly and closed the door. She then took off her clothes and entered the shower.

Soon she was done. She walked out and turned on the hair dryer. Soon her flaming red waist length hair was dry. She wrapped a towel round her body and walked out.

There was her worst enemy and sister, Morgana. She was holding a camera. There was a flash and an evil laugh.

“Wait until everyone in school sees you naked!” Morgana cackled. Just then,

Raviola noticed her towel had fallen down. Morgana looked just like her except Morgana had black hair and eyes like the rest of Raviola’s family.

A hot rage flared up inside Raviola and she smacked Morgana, then hit here in the stomach, she grabbed the mirror in the bathroom and broke it on Morgana’s head. Ravioli was known for her hot rages. When someone annoyed her, she could summon amazing strength.

Morgana was bleeding. Ravioli smashed the camera on the floor, put on her towel and kicked her sister out of her room.



[SPOIL]please read and make comments, try not to be harsh please. thax ya'll who comment on it[/SPOIL]
 
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Ice_Scyther

FFFFFFFFF-
This is pretty good. It is a little short, and has some all out description, which I get in trouble for. (A Lot!) Just work on it, you'll get way better.

-I.S. ;212;
 
P

pisces_beedrill

Guest
[BANNER]http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c76/pisces_magic/EARTHFLAMEANDWATER.jpg[/BANNER]

Chapter 2
“The party was hectic last night,” Run's mum said to her in the morning. Run was on the breakfast table which was grand. There was everything anyone could possibly want on that table. There was bacon, omelet, cereal, yogurt e.t.c. Run's mum looked a lot like Run. Brown hair, brown eyes and a charming face, but unlike her mum, Run's hair shone in the sunlight, her mum's didn't. Run's mum was a model. She looked amazing, gorgeous, beautiful, unique and Run wasn't because as pretty as her, with nobly knees, skin that dries easily and un-even nails. She got all that from her dad who was the king of the Symbolisers.

“The party was tiring. Can we not have one tonight?” Run asked politely.

“I love partying and you should to. Come on, time for your first Symbol lesson,” Run’s mum said as she got up. Run got up slowly and went to the study room which looked a lot like a mini-library.

Waiting for her was a man with long auburn hair and freckles. ”Hi Run!,” he said cheerfully.

Run stifled a yawn, “Morning Marty. Last nights party was really bad. Why won’t mum-”

“- stop partying? She likes it. Let us begin our lesson,” he said. “as you know this is your first symbol lesson before I thought you math, science, English and Religious Education. Now I shall tell you the history of the Symbolisers,” Marty took a glass of water, cleared his throat and began, “ we Symbolisers came to earth long time ago. We cast spells by uttering words in The Tongue. The symbols are complicated and cannot all be memorized. They come to you as you say the words. If we create materialistic things using our powers, when you touch them, you see the symbols that made it. The other two tribes are the Metamorphmagi and the Potioners. The Metamorphmagi cannot do magic, only transform into anything they want except other Metamorphmagi, Potioners and Symbolisers. Potioners create potions to do spells. Do you understand?”

“Sure Marty so which spell am I doing?” Run asked cheerfully. Slightly taken aback Marty said “ A spell to change clothes. Say suicx,”

“Suicx,” Run muttered. Nothing happened.

“No no no, like this. Sssuicxsss,” his S’s running. Weird half Chinese, half Russian, half Greek symbols covered him, there was a bright flash and instead of his casual shirt and trousers, he had a tuxedo on.

“Ssssuuuiiicxssssssssssss,” Run hissed. The word came out so naturally. Around her, she was surrounded by the symbols then she floated as the tight jeans and small mini-top, both black, turned white and joined together and soon she landed back on the ground wearing an amazing evening gown. It started under her arms to her waist where it flared out. The whole dress was glittering.

“Wow, no one has ever mastered a spell in one day! Run, I knew you were intelligent, but this is amazing! Well, see you tomorrow. No wait, tomorrow is your thirteenth birthday! Happy birthday!” Marty congratulated.

“I wanna continue with our lessons now,” Run looked determined.

* * *

Arma woke up. As usual, she slept naked because she could never find her nighties. She had a pounding headache from all the crying she did. She got up from bed and picked up a towel from under her bed. She used to cover herself as she opened her room door and entered the room opposite it, which was the bathroom. She filled the bathtub to the brim and slowly entered, which made some water spill over the side. She relaxed comfortably for an hour. She got out of the bathtub and brushed her teeth. She got a comb and combed her short hair. Her hair was currently blue and sparkling but over weekdays, she sprayed it black to avoid muttering. She went back to her room, dumped her towel on the floor, got clean underwear from the ceiling fan and put it on. She grabbed light leather trousers and simply wrapped a scarf round her breasts. She put on her boots. She decided to leave her hair its natural colour. Blue.

She walked to breakfast where her mum and dad were waiting for her.

“Good morning,” she muttered shyly.

“Morning dear,” her mum was smiling.

“Today, I am going to give you your first lesson in transformation. Okay you don’t learn transformation in school, the parent has to teach you,” her dad paused, “long ago, us Metamorphmagi came to this earth. We can turn into anything except other Metamorphmagi, Potioners and Symbolisers. Basically, the other tribes. First rate transformers have to utter words to transform, second rate transformers can transform without words but they create a loud sound when transforming and have to go back to their original form before becoming another creature. Third rate transformers just transform without any problem and can go directly from one creature to another,” he drank some tea. Arma was listening attentively while eating coco pops.

“Okay, let us find out your natural animal,” he saw Arma’s confused face, “A natural animal is what you will become when you die. Say transformation,” he ordered.

“Transformation,” Arma said flatly.

“Like this, TRANSforMAtion,” he boomed. Arma got tired and concentrated on his words and was a gorgeous snake. No words, no sound.

“My daughter, a third rate transformer,” her mother cried, “we shall be at this all day!”

* * *

Raviola’s mum just finished cleaning the broken mirror.

“Morgana, why did you anger your sister?” Raviola’s angry mum yelled, “you could have died!” her yelling reached an earsplitting volume. As she was yelling, Raviola was having toast for breakfast. She carefully buttered her piece of toast as her dad read the newspaper.

A sulky Morgana stomped into the room. She had a bandage round her head that was red with blood. She ate her pancakes quickly because in ten minutes, it would be her lesson time. Sure enough, ten minutes later, “Morgana, time for your lesson,” their mum ordered. “also you Raviola,” this came as a shock to both sisters.

“Well, you are old enough,” their dad said with toast in his mouth. Raviola and Morgana went into the kitchen. Their mum had some ingredients laid out on the table and two cauldrons, both the size of piglets. One black, one red. Morgana took the black one and left the red one for Raviola. Their mum sat on a chair.

“Page ninety two Morgana. Raviola sit down and listen. We Potioners were created long time ago. We were skilled in cooking and boiling. We could make tasty soup out of water but we could do other things as well. We could create poisons and spells and lots of things. Ever heard of the Third Sword? We Potioners made it, the Symbolisers did a protection spell on it and the Metamorphmagi allowed anyone who possessed it to transform. But no one was worthy enough to pull it out from the earth. So today, we do out first potion. It is a simple protection spell. To make it, you put in three caterpillars, four dog hairs, white wine…” her mum was cut short because Raviola just made it.

“You are gifted my child, at the age of twelve. Tomorrow you shall be thirteen. Well done,”

.
thanx for the comment, is this detailed enough?
 
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Ice_Scyther

FFFFFFFFF-
1) Hey, DV, ACTUALLY CRIT. That was more like spam.

2)This is still dang good. Keep it up.

-I.S. ;212;

-P.S.-It's a little rushed, SLOW DOWN.
 
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pisces_beedrill

Guest
thanx alot, here is the next chapter, plz tell me if i have improved on it.
[banner]http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c76/pisces_magic/EARTHFLAMEANDWATER.jpg[/banner]
Chapter 3
Run woke up and screamed with joy. On her bed were a ton of presents. Millions and millions of them. She was thirteen. She began ripping them up straight away. She got so many things but the odd thing is they all seemed for traveling. She went straight to the bathroom wondering why. She took off her night gown and entered the shower. She scrubbed in the usual fashion, her armpits first, then her stomach, then her legs. She put shampoo in her hair which made it glossy and she scrubbed hard, finally she rinsed her body and came out of the shower. She then began combing her wet hair until all tangles and knots were out. Then she uttered the words “Hhahha meeeeekassssss,” and her wet hair dried up immediately. She walked into her room with her bathrobe on and went straight to her closet. She got out the clothes she was going to wear. She put on cream, put on her clothes and re-combed her gorgeous golden-brown hair.

When she walked into the breakfast room, she walked in with a dazzling hair flip that made the jaws drop of her family and the servants. She looked stunning. The skirt was long. It began at her hips and ended at her ankles. There was a long slit from top to bottom on the left side of her white skirt. She wore a white mini-top and white high heels.

“Why don’t you wear this to parties?” her mum cried as she hugged her daughter. Her father was praising her beauty endlessly. Run’s hair was more golden than usual. Both parents looked miserable. They looked close to tears. Run felt uncomfortable and so ate as quickly as she could.

Once they were all done eating, her mother stood up and so did her dad. Her dad took a package out of his pocket and slowly gave it to her. Her parents’ eyes glistened with tears.

Run slowly opened it, inside was a stone the colour of her hair. A golden-brown topaz. When she touched it, three symbols appeared on it. The symbols whispered

“Rrrrrrunnnnn,” and a shocked Run realized it spelt her name.

“What does this mean?” she whispered.

“You were born with that stone. You own it. You are going to save us with two other girls,” her mum whimpered. Then she burst into uncontrollable tears.

“What do you mean save you?” she inquired totally confused.

“Please start packing, then we will show you what to do,” her dad murmured. Run went upstairs pondering on what her parents words. She arrived in her room, got a suitcase and began packing her presents and clothes. When she was done. She thought a bit, and then said “ Ssssoooweee,” and symbols covered the suitcase and shrunk it to necklace size. Run threaded it and wore it round her neck.

She rushed down, curiosity controlling her, and found her dad in the living room. He beckoned her to sit. She sat for half and hour, till it was eleven, then he told her to squeeze the stone.

* * *

Arma was woken up by her mum and dad in her room with a large blue cake saying “Happy Birthday” to her. They fought through the mess to her bed and sat on it. Her dad kissed her on the nose and her mum burst into tears. Her dad got out a present from a bag in his hands and gave it to her.

“Thanks for the tent dad,” she said with fake enthusiasm. Her weeping mother gave her a smaller present.

“Wow, a dagger, thanks mum,” this time, her enthusiasm was real. Her mum screamed loudly and hugged her daughter.

“Give it to her Bob,” she told Arma’s dad. He got out a small parcel and gave it to Arma. She opened it greedily. In the parcel was a sapphire the colour of her hair. Blue. Inside it, four letters were swimming. A, R, M, and A. it spelt her name! Arma stared.

“Whoa-?“ Arma was speechless.

“Pack darling and we’ll explain all we can,” her dad said. Arma got her bag from under her duvet. She put in some clothes, her tent, her dagger, and some toiletries. She then transformed the bag into an anklet. She went and had a quick bath. Only ten minutes instead of her usual one hour. Curiosity was killing her. She felt it a good idea took take off her piercings. She removed all of them except her nipple rings and belly button ring. She combed her short hair and that was when she noticed it was sparkling! She put on army trousers, a tank top and boots. She looked so hot! No piercings made her look amazing!

She ran to the dining room where she sat down and was forced to eat breakfast by her mum. Then once she was done, her dad forced her to wait till eleven.

“Arma, I hope you are ready,” her dad uttered.

“She isn’t ready Bob, she isn’t, my poor baby,” her mum cried.

“I am ready, I am not a baby,” Arma announced wondering what was going on.

“Well, all I can say is with two other girls, you will save us,” he paused. “Squeeze the stone. Just do it!”

* * *

Raviola laughed when she woke up. She was thirteen! Finally, a teenager. The joy that swelled through her heart was impossible to describe.

She washed her red hair which was sort of glowing, then she showered. She brushed her teeth, then danced. She slowly stepped out of the bathroom naked and danced some more in her room. She went to the mirror and liked what she saw. Even Morgana was happy it was Raviola’s birthday.

She dressed up and burst out of her room and ran into the dining room. Her parents looked depressed. Morgana looked pleased. Her parents ordered Raviola to eat food.

They didn’t even say “Happy Birthday!” Raviola was so angry, she got up with a sweeping gesture, her beautiful dress moving violently. And her hair shaking in rage. She slammed her fist on the table and the table broke in half.

“HOW DARE YOU! MY BIRTHDAY!” she yelled in ringing tones. Her parents looked fearful as Raviola began wrecking the house, tearing curtains, braking plates and destroying other things.

“STOP!!!” her mother yelled. She smacked Raviola who smacked her back. “ HOW CAN YOU SAVE US WITH YOUR TEMPER?” her mother yelled. This calmed Raviola immediately. Her curiosity took over her anger.

“What do you mean?” Raviola whispered.

“You and two other girls are supposed to save us. Make a packing potion and pack,” her mum ordered.

Raviola went to the kitchen and came out in five minutes with a potion ready. She went to her bedroom and began putting things into the liquid. Her clothes, books, toiletries and shoes. Her dad came in and put a tent, then the liquid turned itself into a tiny orb which Raviola put into around her hand.

Her dad broke the ruby away from the mirror. Raviola took it from him. Fiery letters appeared on it. They spelt her name.

“Squeeze the ruby, it is eleven,” her mum muttered. Before she could, both parents hugged her and said the words Raviola was desperate to hear. Happy Birthday.
 
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Guitar dude bill

It's here, it's near
Incredible story! good description. entertaining. and a good plotline. and very original. a few couple of grammar mistakes. you need to always do capital letters at the end of a sentence. this is nearly up to pro standards. but you need to put more in rather than just someone waiting 5 minutes and then going off. also i think that Raviola slightly overeactes to not getting a happy birthday that quickly. but it is still good. even renegade might send a positive (sorry if while i am posting renegade posts) review. oh and you need to do a rating before. do it quick! this can't get closed down cause it's too good. and also you need to describe the environment around you. that creates the most atmosphere. and i think it is too much to learn a spell that quickly. no offense but it gives her a part of a mary sue. so don't make her do something that quickly in future.
description: great description. describe the enviornment though. the area around you
plotline: amazing. good and original
characters: very good character developing. make sure you develop more personality as you go along.
grammar: mostly correct but your not always doing capital letters at the end of sentences. remember to always do that
length: this is a bit short but it's long enough to be good. make the next chapter even longer
entertainment: this is very entertaining. i love reading this fic
this fic is unbeilevalby good 5 star. very hard to make something like it that much. oh and give it a rating pg-13
 
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pisces_beedrill

Guest
thanks so uch for accually reviewing it. the over reactions are part os raviola's personality, but if you think i should cool'em down, i will. anything else before i post the next chapetr?
 

Guitar dude bill

It's here, it's near
pisces said:
thanks so uch for accually reviewing it. the over reactions are part os raviola's personality, but if you think i should cool'em down, i will. anything else before i post the next chapetr?
thats good then. but overeacting like that as a personality is even more over the top than my geography teacher. so make them more calm than that. not much less calm. just don't make them make a big deal over that! still can make a huge deal out of it. just don't make her go around the house destroying things. and make sure you describe the environment. if you use critisism you can make this a real book
 
P

pisces_beedrill

Guest
sure, no problemitos. i will cool her down, but i based her on one of those special cases on reality tv where some kids are born and have immensly violent rages...
lemme wait for more reviews before i post da nxt chapter. keep reading ya'll
 

Itachi16

Mangekyou Master
your story kicks *****!! and can you read mine plz, KTCArk1 and this is a better sequel, im desperate for readers. thanks.
 
P

pisces_beedrill

Guest
it may make people not review at all but i would like proper reviews...
 

Ice_Scyther

FFFFFFFFF-
This is pretty good once again. Also please cool down Raviola. *chuckles* Raviola...Ravioli...Am I the only one who noticed that? Wow pisces, you must've been hungry. Just kidding. ^_^ *Raviola walks in*

Raviola:What did you say!?!?

Me:0.o; Oh crap.....

-I.S. ;212;
 

Guitar dude bill

It's here, it's near
Ice_Scyther said:
Also please cool down Raviola. *chuckles* Raviola...Ravioli...Am I the only one who noticed that? Wow pisces, you must've been hungry. J
yeah. i though of ravioli. in fact at first i thought arma was having tea and she was eating ravioli for . may be a co-incedence that raviola has red hair:p keep up the good work. write chapter 4 soon
 
P

pisces_beedrill

Guest
[banner]http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c76/pisces_magic/EARTHFLAMEANDWATER.jpg[/banner]
Chapter 4
When Run opened her brown eyes, she saw two other confused looking girls. One girl had blue hair, the other had red. The girl with red hair was staring at her. Run blushed and looked away.

Then she noticed the amazing beauty of the place. The place seemed out of a fairytale. Green grass, sweet smelling air, butterflies flying, flowers everywhere. A cloudless sky, a shining sun and perfect temperature. She loved it, she felt so at home. This was a place she dreamed of all her life.

The wind blew back her hair and she realized she was holding her stone. The symbols were still whispering out her name. she walked over to a pool of shining water, she put her hands into a cup shape and before she could scoop up water, a mermaid rose up from the water. It had shining green scales from the hips down, and a slim body. Her hair was waving in the wind, it was pure lavender. ‘She is so beautiful,’ Run thought.

“Come Arma, come Raviola. Run, stay,”

* * *

Arma suddenly jerked open her eyes. She noticed she was lying down on soft cushiony grass. She slowly got up. Her blue hair was shining marvelously. She noticed the two other girls her parents spoke of. One of the girls had golden brown hair, the other had red hair. She had never seen a brown person so she kept glancing at the red haired girl. She couldn’t stop so she decided to use another object to occupy herself with. She chose her surroundings.

She gasped .It was breath taking. Green grass, pink flowers, sweet air. She was in heaven.

She slowly picked up her sapphire from the ground and kept it in her pocket. She noticed the brown haired girl about to take a drink when a gorgeous mermaid came out. Glossy eyed, Arma stared. The mermaid spoke.

“Come Arma, come Raviola. Run, stay,”

* * *

Raviola woke up. Her flaming red hair was spread out everywhere. She got up slowly and looked around her. She stared at the beauty of the place. It was amazing. Lovely green grass, endless amounts or flowers and to complete the scene, butterflies. Raviola checked her flaming red dress to make sure it was clean, made sure she was still in one piece, picked up her ruby. Then she noticed two other girls. A blue haired one and a brown haired one. She saw the girls looking around in confusion.

Raviola then noticed the brown haired girl’s stone was whispering! She stared. The brown haired girl blushed, and then the brown haired girl went over to the small pond and bent down then jumped back as a mermaid rose from the water.

“Come Arma, come Raviola. Run, stay,”

* * *

“Welcome girls,” the mermaid said in two chorusing voices. “Welcome to the world of dreams,” Run, Arma and Raviola looked confused. “I am Pisces, the dreamer. You girls are obviously wondering why I am not two fish. Well I am. As I said, this is the world of dreams and I rule it. I can look anyway I want. Well, I am to tell you of your journey.

“There is a horrible evil brewing in the kingdom of Lala. As you know, Lala is an all tribe city. Anyway, the people creating the evil are a boy and girl. Twins. My sister and brother,” Pisces sniffed and let a tear drop. “Well, that is all I can say. When you make up, go to the pastures of mystery. That is where my brother Aries lives. He will tell you the rest. Lemme tell you one more thing. Your powers. The topaz you own Run controls the Earth, the sapphire you own Arma controls Water and the Raviola, your ruby controls Fire. Be careful in your journey. I shall leave you here for an hour to get to know each other,” then Pisces hopped into the water and vanished.

All three girls looked at each other.

“Hi, I am Arma, and you two are?” Arma began.

“I am Raviola El Fiero. I am a Potioner,” Raviola announced proudly.

“I am Run Akasha. Princess of all Symbolisers,” Run whispered.

“Okay, Lemme begin again. I am Arma Baube. A proud Metamorphmagi,” Arma blushed. “So where do you guys live?”

“I live in Maktoob. A city where all the princes and princesses of all Symboliser habitats live. It is a gorgeous city,” Run announced.

“I live in Nolo Modo,” Raviola snapped. Her mood was getting bad again.

“I live in Str. Well-“ Arma was cut off.

“Let us begin a good topic. Run do a spell for me. I wanna see a Symboliser at work. Arma, transform for me and I will show you a potion. A defensive one,” Raviola ordered.

“ Here is a spell for a shield. Hhhammmadaaaaa,” Run sang out and symbols formed an invisible wall infront of Run. Arma and Raviola looked impressed. Arma then transformed her hand into a titanium steel shield. Ravioli took pieces of grass, a flower and enlarged her cauldron.

“The potion is ready,” suddenly and invisible shield appeared infront of Raviola. They began complimenting each and were soon chatting like old buddies and soon an hour passed.

Pisces appeared as itself. Two fish and said goodbye to the girls, then vanished and in their houses, the girls woke up.

[spoil]there ya go, hope u like it. and i based Raviola on a veela called Veela summing, forgot her name. ravioli, *chuckles* never tasted it. or even seen it. my comp in spell check keeps changing Raviola to ravioli. arma is latin for weapon and Run is secret in rune. except that run has a hat on top of the u[/spoil]
 
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Ice_Scyther

FFFFFFFFF-
This chapter was a bit short.

Never tasted ravioli? You poor thing. *sobs uncontrollably* Rune. I play an online game called RuneScape.

This is still awesome. Keep up the dam good work!

-I.S. ;212;
 
P

pisces_beedrill

Guest
really, the next one will be longer, promise. thanx for your reviews.
 

Guitar dude bill

It's here, it's near
sorry i didn't review earlier. i had scouts. Heres a review. first I'll just correct your grammar mistakes (note: i suck here but i can still correct your mistakes)
The symbols were still whispering out her name. she
look at the she. you forgot a capital letter again.
‘She is so beautiful,’ Run thought
you're supposed to do thoughts in italic. if you did this on word first then i don't blame you for the mistake. i made the same one

She gasped .
why is their a space between the gasped and the full stop (.)

“Welcome to the world of dreams,” Run, Arma and Raviola looked confused
it should be a full stop after the word dreams. only a comma at the end of these if there is a Run said or Pisces said or anything that says "said"

“Welcome girls,” the mermaid said in two chorusing voices. “Welcome to the world of dreams,” Run, Arma and Raviola looked confused. “I am Pisces, the dreamer. You girls are obviously wondering why I am not two fish. Well I am. As I said, this is the world of dreams and I rule it. I can look anyway I want. Well, I am to tell you of your journey.
where is the speech mark to end? remember that in future.

sorry but i don't have time to do a proper review. I'll do a further review later. bye
 
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